Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Dolly Parton, Queen of Country Music, Dies at 80 (August 25, via) 

2. Tim Curry, ‘Rocky Horror Picture Show’ Star, Dies at 80 (August 26, via) 

3. Catastrophic floods kill over 390 in Nepal and Tibet, with more than 1,400 missing (August 28)

4. Peter Cullen, Voice of Optimus Prime in ‘Transformers,’ Dies at 85 (August 27, via)

5.  Lil Nas X - Jolene (Dolly Parton Cover) in the Live Lounge (2021) 

6. Bruce Banner and (Not) Being the Hulk (August 29) "What frustrates me in all this is not that a bunch of superheroes like having another superhero around. It’s that none of them seems willing to put themselves in Bruce’s shoes and think about how horrible being the Hulk must actually be. Every time Bruce Hulks out, he loses consciousness. When he comes to, he’s often miles from where he was, alone, and half-naked."

7. The bridges of Rwanda open up new worlds (August 29) "'Before, I would have to wait for my grandkids to bring me food every day. Some days I would be very hungry' she says. Now, the children can easily get food to her, and she can cross the river herself to visit them."

8. Celebrities who left (August 29) "So what is a celebrity to do? If they came out as asexual, but no longer identify as asexual, do they just quietly drop the subject and hope it gets memory-holed?"

9. Tracing the Route of ‘Cathay’ (August 25) There's an airline based in Hong Kong called Cathay Pacific. Here's an article about where the term "Cathay" comes from.

Also from Sixth Tone: Behind China’s Unlikely Box-Office Hit, Indie Filmmakers Struggle to Be Seen (September 1) "After grossing just 5,500 yuan ($815) in its first week, the animated film, reportedly made by 34-year-old amateur filmmaker Xin Yumeng using secondhand equipment, experienced an extraordinary box-office turnaround, taking in 50 million yuan ($7.44 million) by Aug. 26. It has since been dubbed China’s answer to “The Room,” Tommy Wiseau’s 2003 drama that began as a box-office bomb before achieving cult status for its notoriously crude production."

And: Remembering Gyirong: The Bustling Port That Vanished in a Flash (September 3) "Frequent visitors to the China-Nepal border crossing wait anxiously for signs of life as rescuers search for those missing in the Aug. 26 mudslide."

And: Two Filmmakers, 1,100 Villages, and a Race to Record Rural China (September 4) "Many of the projects were built more than 60 years ago, and Zhao said it is increasingly hard to find surviving workers who can still tell their stories."

10. How Evangelical Sex Teachings Obscured the Red Flags in Death of a Pastor’s Wife (August 31) "But what this book did was it turned men talking about their struggles with lust into something that we should applaud, not judge."

I think there's a lot to be said here about the evangelical view of "sin", ie, there's so much talk about how we're all horrible sinners, we're all just totally the worst, we shouldn't ever think we're any good, the best we can do is to honestly confess our sins. So then when a man says he "struggles with lust" and teenage girls need to not wear "immodest" clothes (whatever that means), one way this could be interpreted is like, oh it's good that he's being honest, we're all horrible sinners so this is normal. There's not really a concept of your sin having a victim- like when a man says he "struggles with lust" why does the church not take that to mean it's not safe for girls to be around him because he's a creep?

Kinda seems like overall, it's a very flexible view of sin, where any kind of sin can be excused like it doesn't even matter, because "we're all sinners so we can't judge", but also, any kind of sin can be treated like it's such a big deal and that person is disgusting and should be ostracized because don't you know that every sin is an infinite offense against a holy God? Could go either way, depending on *who* the "sinner" is and what kind of hierarchies and power dynamics exist around them.

11. ‘Don’t panic’: How two men were rescued from a flood-stricken Nepali power plant (September 4)

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. In candid interviews, National Guard members speak out about D.C. deployment (August 24) "The guard member from West Virginia said it was the first time he'd ever not had the community in a domestic deployment welcome the help, since the guard usually shows up after floods or natural disasters."

2. Trump directs federal government to rename Lake Ontario to Lake America (August 27) 

And Lake Ontario now called Lake America on Google Maps for US users after Trump ordered name change (August 31) Oh come on.

3. Immigration arrests soar, hitting 50,000 in July (August 26)

4. Trump administration deports relative of Afghans who helped US military to Central African Republic (August 30) "The deportation flight which landed in Central African Republic's capital Bangui on Saturday, included 12 Afghans and eight Iranians, as well as several people from Nepal and Nicaragua, said Savi Arvey, director of policy, refugee and immigrant rights at Human Rights First."

5. Milo Yiannopoulos, far-right critic of U.S. immigration, is deported from U.S. (August 29)

"Aces Wild" and my thoughts on queer fiction

Book cover for "Aces Wild"

I read Aces Wild: A Heist by Amanda DeWitt, and here's my post about it~

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Overview

This is a novel about Jack Shannon, whose mom owns a casino in Las Vegas. His mom gets arrested for shady business things, but Jack's take on it is that all the casino owners are doing those kinds of illegal things, and the reason his mom got arrested is that a rival casino owner targeted her. So Jack invites his friends- that he met on an asexual web forum- to come to Las Vegas and help him figure out what's going on/ play illegal blackjack/ etc.

So we have 5 ace characters working together, in this casino-heist-style plot. When we talk about queer fiction, we can say there are 2 kinds: One kind is where the queerness *is* the plot- like, it's about a character figuring out they are queer, or about overcoming obstacles/discrimination related to being queer. The other kind is a plot about something else, where the characters are queer but the story isn't *about* being queer; the queerness is just a background element. "Aces Wild" is the second kind. We need both kinds, so it's good that this exists.

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My opinion

I found this to be a good story, fun to read. And I liked the asexual elements in the background- for example, having online friends that you feel totally understand you, because they are also ace. Meeting ace people "in real life" and feeling so comfortable with them because they *get* that. I've had that kind of feeling in some queer spaces and ace meetups.

Also the line "sometimes you need five aces to win," in the context of asexuals playing illegal blackjack, is just extremely clever. Love that.

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But basically I don't know if I'm interested in queer fiction

Or rather, I guess I'm not really the kind of person who likes to read a lot of fiction. 

I read a lot, and my motivation for reading is I want to learn things. When I see a book about some topic and I think "oh I want to learn about that" then I add it to my wishlist. 

Fiction doesn't necessarily fit into that. Fiction *can* be a way to learn things- some authors use fiction as a way of exploring a topic and getting the readers to think deeply about it, and if the author is skilled then this can be more effective than just directly telling you what their point is. But fiction can also be really formulaic, where readers want to have an enjoyable experience by reading a story that follows a known structure. Where it's fun but you don't really learn anything new from it. And that's fine- I'm not saying it's "better" to read to learn things vs reading to experience a plot structure you already know you're going to like. (I mean, I read dozens of "Nancy Drew" books when I was a kid.)

(And also I'm oversimplifying it; there's a wide spectrum between "learning things" and "formulaic", and also, one reader might read a book and not get anything out of it, while another reader reads the same book and finds it really insightful and illuminating. For one reader, it's near the "formulaic" end of the spectrum, and for another reader it's at the "learning things" end.)

Most of the books I read, I choose them because I want to learn things. But sometimes I just want something easy and fun; I don't feel like learning things. There's a place for both kinds of books! But anyway, my point is, I see people on the internet talking about how important it is to have queer fiction and representation, and sure that's great, but it seems it's not really something I'm interested in myself. Maybe sometimes? But also sometimes I'm like, what's the point of this?

Obviously, since fiction exists, there *should* be fiction books with queer characters. And we need more of that! For people who like fiction, there should be a whole range available to them. There should be books where the plot is about being queer and overcoming problems associated with that, and there should be books where the plot is about something else entirely and the characters are queer just because.

Or, maybe nobody likes to read *all* queer fiction; they only like a small subset of the books, and when we make such a big deal about how "queer fiction is so important" and "representation is so important" it means "a wide range of books should exist, because someone will like to read them, but that doesn't mean *I* am going to read them."

So anyway, that's my opinion on that. I enjoyed reading this book, but I don't really feel like it's something I "need" or something that made a big difference and improved my life or whatever. BUT there have been other fictional stories I've read, with queer characters- fanfics- which did make an impact on me and improved my life. So I'm sure for some readers, "Aces Wild" could be meaningful and helpful to them. Different readers, who are at different places in their lives, will feel differently about reading the same book.

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See also: 

Siggy's review of "Aces Wild"

And this review from Bring On The Pigeons

Related:

Totally Baffled, in an Asexual Way (or, my review of "Let's Talk About Love")

All of My Book Review Posts

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. The Dirty Golden Yellow House (July 13) "Marital rape is not rare, but the telling of it is."

2. The Princess and the Pea (July 13) From xkcd.

3. NO-ONE IS GOING TO BUY YOUR VIDEOGAME (posted in June or July. via) It's an essay- click "Run manifesto" to read the essay. "It is easier and more fulfilling to show me who you are than it is to try and triangulate who you think I want you to be."

4. Andy did you hear about this one? (July 13) "What are humans like? Well, they’re made of meat. And also here is a statue they have chosen to show us. It depicts an innocent man being tortured to death by imperial power."

5. Lindsey Graham Dead, World No Worse (July 13) "Lindsey Graham made a horror of his life. Continually, day by day, on purpose, for decades. He built a tower of monstrosity right up to the sky and then died. Do him the honor of acknowledging his life's work. You can't be trusted to burn down what you're pretending not to see."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. Man killed by ICE in Maine remembered as a father and hard worker (July 15) "He's saying, 'my son was a wonderful son. And I don't know why they did this to him.'"

2. What “voter fraud” really means (June 17, via) "I think it’s next to impossible for bien pensant liberals of the bipartisan comity is important despite our differences [italics added] variety to grasp that white supremacists truly believe that white people should rule the country because white people are hierarchically superior to non-white people, and that men should rule the country because men are hierarchically superior to women, and that Christians should rule the country because Christianity is true, which means it’s God’s religion, which means it’s true, because the Bible says so."

3. Update: E. Jean Carroll got paid, despite Trump having "stall[ed] this case for years” (July 9) "Law Dork confirmed that funds totaling more than $5.62 million were transferred to E. Jean Carroll on Tuesday."

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Journal Club: An Ace Reading of Frodo (June 29) "Hobbit culture emphasizes the importance of family and lineage, but Bilbo and Frodo are both highlighted as strange for being perpetual bachelors. This puts a lot of distance between them and their home culture."

2. The Lexicon of Revolution: Tracing the Origins and Global Journey of China’s ‘Long March’ (June 30) "In 1976, 'Long March' was first added to the dictionary, merely as a subentry under 'long.' However, in June 2016 — coinciding with the 80th anniversary — the OED upgraded it to a standalone main entry with a comprehensive historical definition: 'The retreat of Chinese Communist forces ... in 1934–35 ... over a distance of 6,000 miles.'"

Also from Sixth Tone: Investigation Uncovers China’s Underground Height Surgery Market (July 1) Wow this looks horrifying.

3. Jurassic Park but with a Cat (2021, 1-minute video, via) and Jurassic Park with a Cat — Behind the Scenes (7-minute video)

4. Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are married. What to know about the wedding (July 5)

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. The Supreme Court upholds grace periods for mail-in ballots, siding against the GOP (June 29) I don't really *get* this case- so, the question is about how the deadline for mail-in ballots is defined: is it that your ballot has to be received by election day, or postmarked by election day? Both of those seem like reasonable policies to me; either one should be fine, as long as everyone is clear on which one it is. I'm confused about why this is always framed as "Democrats are in favor of counting the ones that arrive after election day, Republicans are not" and also why Democrats are talking about this like it's about the big questions of democracy and fairness to voters- it *doesn't* seem intuitively obvious to me that being on the side of fairness and democracy means that even the ballots received after election day should be counted.

(Okay, but from the Supreme Court's perspective, the question is about whether states are in charge of their own election policies.)

My initial thought was, maybe it's about "people who have enough money and resources that they're able to live their lives in an organized way and don't have trouble with meeting deadlines" skewing Republican, and "people who are poor and therefore never have enough time or money for all the things they need to deal with, so they often miss deadlines" skewing Democrat- so that's why Democrats want to count them and Republicans don't? Or maybe "people who aren't paying attention and didn't realize there was an election until the last minute" correlates more with voting for Democrats. Something like that?

*I* vote by mail- I wonder if any of my ballots have ever been received after election day. I try to get it done as early as possible, because I know there's uncertainty in how long it takes to mail stuff from China to the US (unless you pay like 50 bucks for a good shipping service like DHL or Shunfeng). But yeah, sometimes the time between when the ballot becomes available to download and print, and the election day, is not that long- maybe it makes sense that a lot of mail-in voters send in their ballots and they *don't* arrive by election day, even if these voters are being responsible and aware of what's going on. 

Maybe the partisan angle is about how Democrats are more likely to vote by mail than Republicans. So I should think of it not as "this is about counting the ballots of people who are bad at meeting deadlines, apparently a key demographic for Democrats???" but more like "it *is* reasonable that some proportion of mail-in ballots arrive after election day- this is about protecting the right to vote, for people who vote by mail." (I would be interested in seeing the statistical distribution showing when mail-in ballots arrive, relative to election day.)

And then another way to think about it is, those ballots are already in the mail. People *want* to vote, they have the right to vote, and they did the work of filling in the ballot and mailing it. You *should* count them.

2. Immigration is about Race (June 29) "Both of Alito’s opinions are mockeries of legal reasoning. He had a conclusion to get to, and he got there. He can’t say it in so many words, but he wants to Make America White Again. And the other five conservative justices agreed with him."

3. Megyn Kelly faces backlash over ‘profoundly racist’ rant against Haitian immigrants after Supreme Court ruling (June 26) "'We don’t care if you’re offended. Get out! Go home! Go back to f***ing Haiti!' Kelly said on her podcast."

And also about Haitians: The U.S. healthcare system is in crisis. A Supreme Court ruling could make things worse (July 2) "Experts say deporting Haitian TPS recipients will have a catastrophic impact on the nationwide healthcare workforce crisis — a workforce that is hugely dependent on immigrant labor."

4. Israel Bombed a Turtle Sanctuary & Killed Mona Khalil (June 29) "In my opinion, Israel destroyed the Orange House, and Khalil, because they want to destroy what it and what she stood for: hope. A better life. A life where even poor refugees can care about helpless little turtles."

5. Supreme Court upholds birthright citizenship on constitutional grounds (June 30) So the court ruled 6-3 that the 14th amendment says what it says. Uh. Jonathan Last writes, "The first time the Trump administration was able to find any judge, anywhere in America, to state that it had the ability to do away with birthright citizenship was when it got to the Supreme Court. And then it found three of them." (And Kavanaugh, even though he sided with the majority, it was for other reasons, not because he believes the 14th amendment says what it says.)

The six opinions in the birthright citizenship ruling have a lot to teach us about the U.S. today (July 2)

And apparently a bunch of MAGAs are really unhappy about this, and have a lot of racist things to say about it. My "favorite" is Steven Crowder, who is mad that "little Josue born to illegal Haitians in Springfield, Ohio is just as American as you and me." Um, yes? That's what America is about? So I guess they're not even going to pretend America is about equality for everyone. And for the MAGAs who make a big deal about being Christian, I guess they aren't even going to pretend that Christianity is about a God who loves everyone.

6. He sent a harsh email to ICE's top official. 5 months later, federal agents tracked him down (July 1) "'It's starting to look like a pattern of knocking on people's doors to ask them questions about clearly constitutionally protected speech. And that is very troubling,' said Nathan Freed Wessler, the deputy director of ACLU's Speech, Privacy and Technology Project."

7. House Democrats accuse Trump of 'hijacking' America's 250th birthday for his own gain (July 2) "'They had a chance to do this in a bipartisan way or a way that wouldn't enrich cronies, but they pretty clearly didn't do that,' said Zibel. 'I think that this is a follow-the-money situation that needs to be explored.'"

Marriage

 

"Mawwiage." (From "The Princess Bride.") Image source.

[content note: it's about how, historically, sexual violence has always been a big part of marriage]

Thinking a lot about marriage lately, and what marriage is overall, in a general sense. As in, if you look at all marriages throughout history. The overall picture of it is very bleak for women, and I don't know what to think about that. My own marriage and my own culture- where you get married to someone because you genuinely love them and want to marry them, and you are equals- this is very much an anomaly if you take an outside, objective view of what marriage has always been.

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. On “Asexual” as umbrella term (February 22) "Sometimes I hear newbies propose that there should be a separate asexual community that is *not* inclusive of gray/demi/etc. folks. I would go so far as to say that this idea is totally pointless."

2. Eliminating the Impossible (February 20) Very good point from xkcd.

3. Fix Your Hearts or Die (February 22, via) "Meanwhile men are finding out that they'd rather suffer loneliness than learn how to treat women as human beings instead of possessions, because treating a woman as a possession is domination, which means that it is seen as not just masculine, but core to masculinity. Treating a woman as a human being is gay, which is the least masculine thing of all."

4. Gaza death toll for first 16 months of war far higher than reported, says peer-reviewed study (February 18) "'The combined evidence suggests that, as of 5 January 2025, 3-4% of the population of the Gaza Strip had been killed violently and there have been a substantial number of non-violent deaths caused indirectly by the conflict,' the authors of the study, a team including an economist, demographer, epidemiologist and survey specialists, wrote in the Lancet Global Health."

5. Does Waiting for Marriage for Sex Increase the Chance for Painful Sex? (February 23) "Because for so many women, the first sexual encounter doesn’t happen because her body wanted it—it happened because 'time’s up.'"

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Image source.

Links related to the antichrist:

1. Former top general calls military's removal of trans troops a costly mistake (February 21) "I'm completely qualified to serve. I'm good at my job. The Navy has paid for me to be good at this. If we really are preparing for deployment or combat, why can't we just focus on doing our jobs and doing them to the best of our abilities?"

2. The Battle Of Minneapolis (February 22) "Think about that: You now live in a country where volunteers deliver babies at home, in secret, off the books, because mothers fear that if they go to the hospital, they will be abducted by masked, armed agents of the state while giving birth."

3. In Crackdown On Worst Of Worst Children, ICE Raids Kids Who Wrote Letters, Deports Sick Two-Month-Old (February 20) "Besides, before going on to whatever job she’ll have at a right-wing think tank, or in Hell itself, departing DHS propaganda minister Tricia McLaughlin explained to the Independent that it’s perfectly normal to dump sick infants across the border in the middle of the night, especially if you can do it before an interfering federal judge can stop you."

4. I posted a link about this same story last time, but this one is also worth reading: A Presidents' Day lesson from Philadelphia (February 17) "Instead, she wrote, 'It is not disputed that President Washington owned slaves.'"

5. I Love Illinois. I Love America. I Refuse to Stop. (February 19, via) "I am begging my fellow politicians, my fellow Illinoisans, my fellow Americans to realize that right now in this country we are not fighting over policy or political party. We are fighting over whether we are going to be a civilization rooted in empathy and kindness — or one rooted in cruelty and rage." From Governor JB Pritzker.

6. UN experts condemn US executive order imposing fuel blockade on Cuba (February 12) "They expressed deep concern about the foreseeable humanitarian consequences of restricting fuel supplies to Cuba through the coercion of third States. 'Cuba is already experiencing severe energy shortages, due to previous U.S. sanctions, with blackouts lasting up to 20 hours in many areas, affecting refrigeration for food and medication, and contributing to public health crises.'"

7. Maine immigration observers sue over Trump admin "domestic terrorist watchlist" threats (February 24) "Addressing their interactions, the lawsuit put it bluntly, '[T]he message of intimidation was express and clear: Plaintiff Hilton’s lawfully protected First Amendment activity, and that of her fellow observer, would result in them having their personal data captured and being placed on a ‘domestic terrorist watchlist.’'"

8. ICE Whistle Blower (February 24) "'Never in my career had I ever received such a blatant unlawful order, nor one conveyed in such a troubling manner,' he said. 'Incredibly, I was being shown this memo in secret by my supervisor, who made sure that I understood that disobedience would cost me my job.'"

9. We Can Beat Gavin Newsom (February 18) "If you are committed to progressive policy, Newsom is shit. If you want a Democratic leader who will relentlessly fight the right, then Gavin 'I want to praise Charlie Kirk at every opportunity' Newsom is also shit."

10. A U.S. veteran adopted an orphan from Iran. Decades later, ICE is trying to deport her (February 24) "But in the eyes of the U.S. government, the woman, who's now in her 50s and lives in California, is not American. Instead, she's an immigrant who overstayed her visa since she was a toddler and therefore, subject to deportation. She spoke to NPR on condition of anonymity because she fears speaking publicly will complicate her immigration case."

My thoughts have changed on aces "pleasing their partners"

Asexual flag. Image source.

This post is part of the January/February 2026 Carnival of Aces. The topic is "second glance."

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[content note: it's about consenting to sex you don't like]

It's a common piece of info I've often seen in "asexuality 101" resources. "Some aces do choose to have sex, for various reasons. Like, curiosity. Or, because it feels good. Or, to please their partner." 

And way back when, that was also a reason for me. But now my thinking has changed on this. Having sex just because your partner wants to is much more complicated than the breezy way it's presented in Asexuality 101. It is, quite possibly, a bad idea. 

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Film review: Cover-Up (2025) (December 29) [content note: descriptions of genocide] "It is must-see viewing for anyone who wishes to know more about the murder, war crimes, rape, torture, and other abuses committed by the US government and its military, many of which were revealed because of the dogged work of Hersh."

2. From xkcd: Anyone Else Here and High Altitude Cooking Instructions

3. The biggest downside of marrying someone from another country... (December 29, 28-minute video) This vlogger is a US citizen married to a Chinese man, and she is trying to help him get a US tourist visa so he can come visit her family. Spoilers, he doesn't get it. The interview process for a US tourist visa is about proving that you really do just want to take a short trip there, and you're not planning to overstay your visa and be an illegal immigrant- and the evidence they want to see is that you have a well-established life in your own country- being married to a US citizen is a strike against him, actually. Lots of couples are in this situation, where the foreign spouse comes from a poor background, such that it's almost impossible to convince the US visa interviewer that you genuinely like to live in your own country and you're not going to decide that being an illegal immigrant would be a step up.

This is the kind of thing that radicalized me. Seriously, there are Americans who are not allowed by the US government to bring their spouse home on a trip to meet their family- not because they've done anything wrong, but because the US judges the foreign spouse as not having sure enough ties to their home country. 

My husband and I are lucky that this didn't happen to him. He got a US tourist visa before we got married, and now has a good track record of going there for a vacation and then leaving, they like to see that.

4. Natasha Romanoff: My Unlikely Ace Icon (January 2) "Nat is perennially single and, unfortunately, incapable of having children of her own. But she has a good relationship with Clint and Laura, and the way their daughter greets her suggests that she has also provided at least some childcare. Though we don’t get a lot of details on the relationship, it seems that Nat is valued by the Bartons and perhaps even loved."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. In Parents' Own Words: Documenting the Stories of Separated Families in Honduras (December 18) "One mother, who had been deported without being given the opportunity to bring her two month-old child, a US citizen, back with her, could talk of little more than her frantic desperation to have her newborn baby back."

2. Trump calls Somali immigrants ‘garbage’ as US reportedly targets Minnesota community (December 2) I guess I didn't post anything about this when it happened a few weeks ago, because he always says all manner of horrible racist bigoted things, I can't possibly pay attention to all of them.

But, this one was pretty bad. Calling a whole group of people "garbage."

And part of me wants to be like "how does he get away with calling himself Christian- the bible says all people are made in the image of God- to call people 'garbage' goes against Christian teaching" but like, come on, that ship has sailed, the MAGAs are no longer even trying to pretend that being Christian has anything to do with, like, following the bible or the teachings of Jesus. Everybody knows that's not what it means.

3. Capitol riot 'does not happen' without Trump, Jack Smith told Congress (December 31) "Accounts from Republicans willing to stand up against the falsehood that the election had been stolen 'even though it could mean trouble for them' created what Smith described as the 'most powerful' evidence against Trump."

‘This is not a peaceful protest!’: A visual archive of Jan. 6, 2021, through the lenses of those who were there. (January 4)

4. The Artists Are Not Obeying In Advance (January 1) "The administration is threatening to sue these artists for millions, and no doubt they will try to find ways to intimidate and defund any organizations with whom they might be affiliated. But that won’t stop them. Artists, musicians, writers, film makers and performers of all kinds are rebelling, one of the most profound forms of resistance to a repressive regime."

5. 'We are going to run the country,' Trump says after strike on Venezuela (January 3)

Photos: Aftermath of strikes in Venezuela (January 3)

The Dems (January 3) "Too many people on social media are saying that the Democrats are all falling in line with Trump’s Venezuelan misadventure. That’s not true."

Miami mayor calls for Trump to 'immediately' reinstate TPS for Venezuelans (January 4) "'The instability unfolding in Venezuela today makes it even clearer that the country remains unsafe for people to return. No one should be forced back into chaos and uncertainty,' Higgins wrote in a statement. 'They have built lives here, contributed to our community, and deserve the security to remain while their homeland regains stability. This is not just a matter of policy — it is a matter of basic human dignity and safety.'"

6. DHS pauses immigration applications for an additional 20 countries (January 2) "U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services, or USCIS, in a memo released Thursday, said it would pause the review of all pending applications for visas, green cards, citizenship or asylum from immigrants from the additional countries."

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Maybe Don’t Talk to the New York Times About Zohran Mamdani (November 7, via) "God, did I love this. An “alienated view of the world”! Not by, like, trying to pay rent or having an insurance claim denied—no, no, it was probably the Foucault you read in 2003."

2. I get knocked down, but I get up again (November 12) "But I’m not sure those writers fully appreciate that they’ve written an accurate summary not just of this one weird individual, but of the overwhelming character of white evangelical discipleship and white evangelical devotion, practice, hermeneutics, orthodoxy, orthopraxy, spirituality, piety, ethics, and soteriology."

This is spot-on.

3. 2024 Ace Community Survey Summary Report (October 20)

4. Why housing shortages cause homelessness (2024) "Her story echoes the widely repeated observation that ‘people don’t become homeless when they run out of money, they become homeless when they run out of relationships’."

5. Scientific study on types of detransitioners (November 16) "I think, the vast vast majority of the time, if someone mistakenly believes they’re gender dysphoric, they will sort it out within a year or two. We need to create norms where this mistake, most of the time, doesn’t have severe negative consequences."

6. Life After Death: A Widow’s Fight for Her IVF Baby (November 17) "At the time, sperm banks and medical institutions in China were banned from providing unmarried women — which Guo technically now was — with services involving assisted reproductive technologies under technical and ethical guidelines introduced in 2003 by the Ministry of Health."

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Image source.

Links related to the antichrist:

1. How We’re Taking Trump’s Deportation Machine to Court (October 29) "The administration’s agenda is clear: forcing immigrants to endure months or even years of detention under inhumane conditions while their cases make their way through the backlogged immigration system ensures that people will give up and agree to return to their home countries. Even when their cases are likely to succeed, eventually giving them the right to remain lawfully in the U.S., many are unwilling to endure the squalor and uncertainty."

2. Veterans Group Urges States To Pass Protective Policies In Response To Trump Trans Bans (November 14) "Roughly 3,500 newly discharged transgender service members have been forced out of their jobs and stripped of health and housing benefits by the federal government."

3. “I Lost Everything”: Venezuelans Were Rounded Up in a Dramatic Midnight Raid but Never Charged With a Crime (November 13) "Federal prosecutors have not filed criminal charges against anyone who was arrested. Nor have they revealed any evidence showing that two immigrants arrested in the building belonged to the Tren de Aragua gang, or even provided their names."

4. Feds Pepper-Spray 1-Year-Old In Cicero, Use Tear Gas On Little Village Neighbors (November 9)

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Whiteout: Trapped Trekkers Discover Dangers of ‘Hidden Gems’ (October 22) "As hiking and other adventure sports grow in popularity across China, enthusiasts have begun seeking out undeveloped or little-known spots, often promoted among online communities as “hidden gems.” As a result, accidents and disappearances are increasingly common, with trekking-related emergencies reported nationwide during this year’s eight-day National Day break at the beginning of October."

(Note, this is an entirely different incident than the other link I posted recently about hikers who had to get rescued from a mountain in China because of heavy snow.)

2. Shielding Chart (October 22)

Also from xkcd: Emperor Palpatine (October 20)

3. Why TERFs Don't Like Asexuals Either: An Analysis (October 25) "This is very similar to TERF explanations for trans men and transmasculine people.  In fact, as seen above, TERFs believe the same process causes women to identify as both.  It’s not a legitimate identity; it’s a response to misogyny, an attempt to escape misogyny by identifying out of it."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. Trump’s Gutting Sex Ed. Here’s Why That Matters (October 22) "More than 90% said that if they had had more education on those topics, their life would be better now: they thought they would have more sexual confidence, a better understanding of their own body, a better understanding of how to be a good partner, healthier relationships, a better understanding of their own sexual health, a better quality of life, or the resources to make more informed decisions."

2. Exclusive: Trump's demolition of the White House East Wing is nearly complete (October 22) Oh my goodness, he's actually destroying the White House.

3. ICE keeps detaining pregnant immigrants — against federal policy (October 20) [content note: miscarriage] "While the agency said in a statement in August that pregnant immigrants are receiving sufficient care in custody, medical professionals say the conditions in these facilities can heighten the risk for complications. Limited food can impact nutrition at a vulnerable time; access to medical appointments is spotty and often not aligned with standards of care; and pregnant, postpartum and nursing detainees also face the stress of arrest and separation from their families."

4. Taylor Swift, The White House Demolition, And Pathways Of Persuasion (October 24) "An astute commenter on BlueSky put it this way: Democratic outrage over the White House demolition was 'not as strong as the [Republican] pushback against the change in the Cracker Barrel corporate logo.'"

5. NYC Public Schools Becomes Latest To Defy Trump Trans Bathroom Ban Demands, Launches Lawsuit (October 18) 

2025 Ace Community Survey

The 2025 Ace Community Survey is now open:

The Ace Community Survey is run by the Ace Community Survey Team–a community-based volunteer organization–in collaboration with Northwestern University.  It collects valuable information on the demographics and experiences of members in the ace community, including asexual, demisexual, gray-asexual, and related identities. Participants also have the option to make data available to external researchers, or only to our team.

The survey is open to anyone: ace, non-ace, or still questioning. As long as you are 15 years of age or older, we want to hear from you! We want to get a wide variety of responses from as many parts of the community as possible, so we encourage you to share this link with any other potentially interested individuals you know or any ace communities you participate in.

Click here to take the 2025 Ace Community Survey: 

https://redcap.fsm.northwestern.edu/surveys/?s=44EAW3J8FRWXMNTC or https://tinyurl.com/AceSurvey2025

You will be able to view any published results from the survey at https://acecommunitysurvey.org. If you would like to receive an automatic email update when new results or announcements are posted, you can subscribe here.

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Air Bud Pt. II: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive) (October 20, 20-minute video) I love when people take the details of a fictional universe way too seriously.

2. From definitions to motivations (October 21) "Educators must be on guard against the shitty imaginations of skeptical audiences."

3. An explainer about kiwi farms. (October 21) "Kiwi farms has always existed as a community designed to foster, celebrate and encourage online harassment of vulnerable people."

4. Iceland reports the presence of mosquitoes for the first time, as climate warms (October 22) [content note: article has a close-up photo of a mosquito]

5. Reversing peanut advice prevented tens of thousands of allergy cases, researchers say (October 21) I'm kinda surprised to read this- I have little kids and so I've been through the whole process of how to introduce new foods to a baby, and the concerns about allergens, and the impression I got was basically "Don't give foods that are possible allergens to your baby until they are 1 year old! Oh, but wait, there's this other scientific evidence that giving potential allergens to the baby earlier can actually prevent allergies, and that also makes a certain kind of sense. Hmm, both sides have good points here, hard to say which one is right." But this article is saying yeah that standard advice has changed, now we are telling parents they should introduce potential allergens to their babies earlier, and this is a real thing with scientific evidence to back it up, and wow look how many allergies it has prevented. I'm really surprised to hear that "U.S. health guidance changed in 2015 and 2017"- that was before my kids were born, but when I was doing this for my kids, I very much did not get the impression that this advice was well-supported by evidence. I have always seen it talked about in parenting social media groups like "well, there's a certain logic to the idea that introducing these foods earlier can avoid allergies, but who's to say?" 

Could be that different countries have different standard advice? The groups I'm in are moms from all different countries, currently living in China. Or it could be that parents are overly-cautious, and view delaying introducing these foods as the "safer" move- even though that's not what the research says- but I can understand how intuitively it "feels" safer.

6. ‘Huge Lesson’: A Beijing Farmer Learns to Live in Climate Extremes (October 22) "It was 4 a.m. on July 28, when record-breaking downpours struck the mountains in Miyun District, northern Beijing, part of a storm system that swamped valleys overnight. By dawn, the flood had erased his 30-hectare farm."

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Links related to the antichrist:

A lot of bad stuff going on... don't get discouraged by all of it; instead, find ways to take action. Protest, donate money, connect with people near you to see how you can help.

1. Trump’s college compact is a trap (October 17) "The only reasonable response for now is for colleges to show solidarity and refuse."

2. We Found That More Than 170 U.S. Citizens Have Been Held by Immigration Agents. They’ve Been Kicked, Dragged and Detained for Days. (October 16) "'If the officers learn that the individual they stopped is a U.S. citizen or otherwise lawfully in the United States,' Kavanaugh wrote, 'they promptly let the individual go.' But that is far from the reality many citizens have experienced."

3. Millions Show Up AGAIN To Tell Trump They Hate Him (October 20) Photos and videos from No Kings protests across the US. [content note: one of the photos shows a giant penis costume]

4. Trump posts AI video showing him dumping on No Kings protesters (October 20) "President Donald Trump on Saturday posted an AI-generated video depicting him in a fighter jet dropping what appears to be feces on U.S. protesters." What on earth.

5. Why the State Department handed U.S. informants over to El Salvador (October 21) "So a core part of an informant relationship is that the United States says, you know, if you give us some information, we're not going to turn around and send you to the very government that you are giving us information about. That just doesn't happen."

6. White House begins demolishing part of East Wing for Trump ballroom (October 21, via) 

7. Legal experts question Rep. Goldman’s call for NYPD to arrest ICE agents if they act unlawfully (October 21) "'It is abundantly clear that the Trump administration is unwilling to police its own officers or hold them accountable for gross misconduct,' the letter states. 'Accordingly, NYPD — pursuant to the department’s own mission, values and oath of office — has an obligation to intervene and take appropriate action, including arrest, when federal immigration officers engage in conduct that is unlawful under state law and beyond the scope of their federal enforcement authority.'"

Also from Gothamist: Federal judge in NYC rules ICE can keep detaining people at immigration court — for now (September 13)

8. Arizona Attorney General’s Office confirms lawsuit against House Speaker Johnson (October 21) "Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva has still not been sworn in four weeks after her win. Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes is suing House Speaker Mike Johnson, citing 'taxation without representation.'"

9. Home missions (October 21) "For 21st-century white evangelicals, Hudson Taylor and Lottie Moon are too 'woke.'"

Also from the Slacktivist: Get angry. Stay angry. Do better. (October 22) "That anger is the thing missing from all of the recent stories of more than merely 'problematic youthful indiscretions.' These stories involve plenty of defensiveness and dismissal and diminishment, but no self-reproach. No anger."

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Michael Tait | CCM's Biggest Star Abused Others For Decades [re-upload] (August 2) 1-hour-46-minute video from Fundie Fridays. I've posted other links about this before. Here is a long video which explains the whole entire thing. It's really horrifying the way he sexually abused people.

2. Israel strikes Gaza as both Israel and Hamas accuse each other of breaching ceasefire (October 19) 

3. Story of The Split: a zine about ace community history (October 19) "This term—this specific string of words—does not come from the ace community. It comes from people framing ace community vocabulary writ large as a threat to gay people."

4. Never Too Late: China’s Takeout Apps Remove Tardy Delivery Fines (October 20) "Under the pilot rules, drivers will no longer face immediate cash deductions for late deliveries."

5. Enchanted Capitalism (2023, via) "In the past, humans generally believed that the metaphysical structure of the world was determined by God. In a capitalist society, money plays that role: without money, you, or at least your needs as a human being, don’t exist."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. No Kings, October 2025 (October 18) "If you google 'how to prepare for a protest', I think the advice is overly cautious, preparing for the worst.  But the median protest is entirely safe."

Also: Photos: Scenes from the No Kings Protests (October 18)

Photos: ‘No Kings’ Anti-Trump Protests See Massive Turnout Across the Country (October 18)

2. As tensions rise in Chicago, volunteers patrol neighborhoods to oppose ICE and help migrants escape (October 17) "Witnessing ICE arresting people in this area has become an almost daily occurrence over the last few weeks, Ivan says. A few days ago, he took a video of an enforcement operation happening at the nearby grocery store." (I posted a different link about this same group a few weeks ago.)

3. The Pro-Massacre, Pro-Segregation, Pro-Eugenics Administration (October 17) "Put another way, we’re no longer in the usual realm of Republicans whitewashing or downplaying the darkness in our history, e.g., the Supreme Court saying we don’t need voting protections because racism isn’t so bad anymore. This administration has upgraded the earlier model, showing through word and action that it believes the shameful sides of America’s past were, in fact, good—even examples to follow today."

4. In Shambles (October 20) "Petro tweeted that 'US government officials have committed murder and violated our sovereignty in our territorial waters. Fisherman Alejandro Carranza had no ties to drug traffickers and his daily activity was fishing.' He added, 'We await explanations from the US government.'"

5. Unfettered and Unaccountable: How Trump is Building a Violent, Shadowy Federal Police Force (October 18, via) "Speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation, the official rattled off scenes that once would’ve triggered investigations: 'Accosting people outside of their immigration court hearings where they’re showing up and trying to do the right thing and then hauling them off to an immigration jail in the middle of the country where they can’t access loved ones or speak to counsel. Bands of masked men apprehending people in broad daylight in the streets and hauling them off. Disappearing people to a third country, to a prison where there’s a documented record of serious torture and human rights abuse.'"

6. Adelita Grijalva was elected to Congress. But she's having trouble doing her job. (October 20) "Democrats in both Washington and Arizona have ramped up pressure on Johnson to schedule Grijalva's swearing-in ceremony, with House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, D-N.Y., on Friday sending a letter to the speaker demanding he swear in Grijalva during a short session, as the speaker has done in the past with Republican members-elect."

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Journal Club: Global Asexual Solidarity (September 30) "Chen says this argument goes too far. They criticize it for relying on an Orientalist fantasy of a pre-existing “authentic” sexuality, and ignoring the agency of local activists."

2. The War on Science (September 23, 4-hour-2-minute video from Shaun) "This book is a collection of tired, irrelevant, right-wing, culture-war nitpicks being released at the most ridiculous possible time. These complaints have never been less relevant to reality, which makes the entire book read like one big joke."

Wow, turns out a lot of the essays in this book are some professor writing "I got fired because of some little mundane thing that THE WOKE MOB got angry about" and then Shaun digs up what actually happened and it turns out the professor in question was sexually harassing students/ had a long-term pattern of extremely racist behavior/ etc.

3. Jane Goodall, renowned chimpanzee researcher and animal advocate, dies at 91 (October 2, via) "He said Goodall was among the first researchers to make close observations of chimpanzees as individuals with personalities and quirks, at a time when other scientists were not trained to observe such specific details."

4. People Mountain, People Sea: Golden Week in Pictures (October 3) This week is China's "Golden Week" (the week we have off work for the October 1 National Day 国庆节 holiday). Usually it's 7 days off work, but this year it's 8 days because Mid-Autumn Festival 中秋节 happens to fall during this week too. This article has a bunch of photos showing the crowds of vacationers all around China.

Also, the phrase "people mountain, people sea" is a direct translation of the Chinese idiom 人山人海. It means it's very crowded. Like you look at a crowd and it looks like a mountain of people or a sea of people.

5. Israeli forces board Gaza flotilla, detain Greta Thunberg, other activists (October 1, via) "At least three ships from the Global Sumud Flotilla, made up of 44 vessels and some 500 activists, were intercepted approximately 70 nautical miles (130km) from the coast of Gaza, according to organisers."

And more updates on this:

Greta Thunberg ‘beaten and forced to kiss Israeli flag’, activists say (October 5, via) 

Greta Thunberg is among flotilla activists deported from Israel. Others remain in prison (October 7)

6. Multi-generational vulture nests hold 700 years of human artifacts (October 3, via) Cool!

7. This Is What Happens When Therapists Don’t Understand Asexuality (September/October issue, via) "As I scribbled darkly with a dark pen, my therapist talked with us about how I could move forward toward having penetrative sex a certain amount of times per month."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. There will be No Kings protests on October 18. Join if you can!

2. UN says Fox News host apologized after calling for world body to be bombed (September 27) "'What we need to do is either leave the U.N. or we need to bomb it,' Watters said. 'Maybe gas it ... we need to destroy it.'"

3. Trump revives family separations amid drive to deport millions: ‘A tactic to punish’ (October 2) "Among Mukherjee’s clients are a two-year-old and a seven-year-old. 'An Ice officer has threatened to separate each of these children from each other and from their mother and their father, detain them in separate facilities, and put them on four different deportation flights,' she said. 'This is unnecessarily cruel.'"

4. Massive immigration raid on Chicago apartment building leaves residents reeling: 'I feel defeated' (October 2, via) "Armed federal agents in military fatigues busted down their doors overnight, pulling men, women and children from their apartments, some of them naked, residents and witnesses said. Agents approached or entered nearly every apartment in the five-story building, and U.S. citizens were among those detained for hours."

5. ‘Could have been an email’: Officials balk at Hegseth's generals meeting (September 30) "'It‘s a waste of time for a lot of people who emphatically had better things they could and should be doing,' said a former senior defense official. 'It’s also an inexcusable strategic risk to concentrate so many leaders in the operational chain of command in the same publicly known time and place, to convey an inane message of little merit.'"

6. The federal government is shut down. Here's what that means across the country (October 6)

Democrats united in effort to stop Trump's 'lawless activity,' says Sen. Van Hollen (October 6)

7. Trump Promotes Magical Conspiracy Beds (October 2) "In a serious country with democratic norms still in place, a circumstance like this would lead directly to journalists forcing Donald Trump to explain whether or not he posted the video, and as a follow-up they would force him to elaborate on whether or not he understands reality. Like, does he know he never said this? Does he know that magical beds don’t exist?"

8. A federal judge blocked Trump from sending the National Guard to Oregon — again. Here’s what we know (October 6)

"Girls & Sex" (book review)

Book cover for "Girls & Sex" by Peggy Orenstein

[content note: discussion of porn, discussion of oral sex]

Here's my review of the book Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape by Peggy Orenstein. Overall, I enjoyed it, and I feel like it helped me understand some things about the way people talk about sex.

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Overview

This book is about the culture ("hookup culture") surrounding high school and college girls, in regards to sexual relationships. It's about what's expected, what's seen as normal, what they want, how they feel about it, what kinds of expectations they are facing from boys, how girls' knowledge of feminism doesn't necessarily stop their behavior from being dictated by these societal pressures, etc.

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"Egalitarian Pleasure Party"

Clip art image of a balance scale with a female symbol on one side and male symbol on the other side. Image source.

[content note: it's about Christians teaching that men are supposed to sexually dominate women]

This is something that flitters through my mind every now and then, and I think to myself "I should blog about that" but also "maybe no one cares because it happened in 2012." Well, Doug Wilson is in the news now, for being a pastor who is super conservative and sexist, like so over-the-top sexist, you didn't even know there *were* people this sexist... so the moment has finally come when I can blog about this.

Gather 'round, it's story time.

In 2012, the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" was very popular, and the evangelical Christian blogosphere was all up in arms about it. The evangelical Christian position was, this book is BAD because it's about a sexual relationship outside of marriage, and it's being portrayed as positive and exciting. (No, for the most part, evangelical Christians did not notice that it was about an *abusive* relationship being portrayed as positive and exciting. In Christian "purity" ideology, the one and only indicator of whether a relationship is good or bad is "are they having sex outside of marriage?") And also, women being interested in this book is basically the same as watching porn, which is basically the same as cheating on your husband. (Or your future husband, if you're not married.)

Anyway, in the midst of all this pearl-clutching, Jared Wilson published an article on The Gospel Coalition's website, called The Polluted Waters of 50 Shades of Grey, etc. That's the original link, but the article was taken down due to the backlash. I couldn't find an archive link, but many bloggers wrote articles in response to it, and quoted big chunks from it, so you can get a good idea of what it said. I'm looking at Rachel Held Evans's post, The Gospel Coalition, sex, and subordination.

Here's a summary of Jared Wilson's article: Hmm, why is it that women are so interested in "Fifty Shades of Grey"? Ah, it's because women have a natural, God-given desire to be sexually dominated by men. Our society has lost sight of this- feminism teaches that men and women are equal, and that sex should be based on equality and mutual pleasure. So, women don't have any proper outlet for their God-given desire to be sexually dominated by men. They have this need that's not being met. And then "Fifty Shades of Grey" comes along, this low-quality sinful erotica that has all sorts of bad sinful sex, and so many women are into it. Well, this is the reason why.

To support his argument, Jared Wilson included quotes from Doug Wilson's 1999 book, "Fidelity: What it Means to be a One-Woman Man." Sorry there are 2 different people named Wilson. Makes it kinda hard to follow. They are not related. Anyway. Here's a quote from Doug Wilson:

Because we have forgotten the biblical concepts of true authority and submission, or more accurately, have rebelled against them, we have created a climate in which caricatures of authority and submission intrude upon our lives with violence.

In other words, Doug Wilson believes the correct, natural, God-intended way for sex to go is that the man dominates and the woman submits. And because our society has rejected that and says you should do what feels good instead of following gender roles, well now people are all screwed up and confused and that's why they are drawn to bad versions of sexual dominance and submission.

Another quote from Doug Wilson:

When we quarrel with the way the world is, we find that the world has ways of getting back at us. In other words, however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party. A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts.This is of course offensive to all egalitarians, and so our culture has rebelled against the concept of authority and submission in marriage. This means that we have sought to suppress the concepts of authority and submission as they relate to the marriage bed.

So yeah, Doug Wilson says it just doesn't work, if you try to have sex in an equal, mutual way. It just can't work, that's not what sex is. It needs to be "A man penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts." (Eww.) (Also, are the straights okay?) 

People are trying to go against God's design for sex, but in the long run you can't. You try to escape God's design, and then you end up with all these "Fifty Shades" fans.

Okay so that was what Jared Wilson's article said. The feminist Christian blogosphere read it and was outraged. In particular, I saw people saying "yeah I knew that conservatives teach that men have to be the leaders, and a wife has to submit to her husband, but I'm shocked at the idea that these authority/submission roles would even apply to sex. Is this really what complementarians believe? Really? Even in sex, the husband has authority over the wife? Really?"

And my thoughts at the time... well, this was 2012. I had no sexual experience at all, because why would I have any sexual experience, I was a good pure girl. (Also I was in grad school, that's too young to be thinking about sex, right? ... This post is about how I'm asexual...) But everything I'd heard from purity culture said that sex was easy and self-explanatory. That if you don't do a good enough job controlling your desires, you'll just automatically start having sex, without thinking or making decisions. It "just happens," if you're in a situation with "temptation."

Yeah, according to the mythology I believed back then, sex is so AMAZING, but also shrouded in mystery- good, pure, unmarried people aren't allowed to know any concrete details about it. That would be "temptation." But don't worry, once you're in the proper God-approved situation where you are allowed to have sex, ie, on your wedding night, it will be great and you don't need to think or know anything beforehand, it just happens and it will be great.

It didn't really make sense to me, but I believed it. Yeah, it didn't make sense, because... if you think about it... in order to have sex, wouldn't you have to take off your clothes, in front of another person? Wouldn't you have to, uh, interact with a penis? All of that sounds so unpleasant. Hard to imagine any set of circumstances that could entice me to do that. But, purity culture assured me, when you're in that situation, you *will* want it. You'll lose control of yourself and you'll have sex without really thinking about it, and it will FEEL SO AMAZING but it's WRONG, it's BAD and WRONG, and will RUIN YOUR LIFE FOREVER. 

Didn't seem to make sense, but I believed it. Once you're in that situation, your body will just know what to do, and if you're married it will be the best thing ever, and if you're not married then it will feel good in the moment but will RUIN YOUR LIFE.

So in 2012, reading this article where the Wilsons perhaps inadvertently announced their own kinks to the world... I thought, what do I know, maybe sex is like that. Maybe when you're in that situation and your body just takes over and does what's natural and it feels amazing, maybe it will naturally be a woman-being-dominated-by-a-man roleplay. My whole life, everything I had heard from Christians about sex was in the genre of "this makes no intuitive sense at all, but on some level you *do* have these desires, and when you're in that situation, you *will* act this way." This felt no different. On some level, you *do* have a desire to be "conquered" and "colonized" by a man during sex. Hey what do I know, maybe that's true?

And then the bloggers that pushed back and had some very strong responses to this- many of them were married Christian women, like Rachel Held Evans. They had sexual experience, unlike me in 2012. There was something kind of surprising about it... about reasoning about sex based on one's actual experience. Normally in Christian culture, we talked about sex in terms of these big general principles, about "God's design" and "how God made women" and "how God made men" and "the biblical definition of marriage" and so on. It was like arguing over fan theories about a fictional world. Like hypothetical thought experiments. To have people say "I know Doug Wilson is wrong about sex because my own marriage is not like that"- that was a new and different thing for me.

Very interesting how Doug Wilson said, "however we try, the sexual act cannot be made into an egalitarian pleasuring party" and then a bunch of people popped up to say that yes, they had done that very thing. Sounds like it's a *you* problem!

Anyway, looking back on it now, the biggest misconception I had back in 2012, the thing that blocked me from understanding in so many ways, was the idea that people don't think or make choices during sex. Like, it "just happens," you "can't control yourself," etc. Like you're just strapped into a roller coaster car and you have no control over where it goes. When I eventually did start having sex, I was so surprised at how we needed to actually take actions to make things happen. And I was just as mentally-present as any time in my normal life, and it's just as weird as you would imagine from reading a description.

So you can choose. If you're into this BDSM roleplay stuff, you can discuss it with your partner and make a choice together about it. If you want to have an "egalitarian pleasure party", great, there are all sorts of sex acts you can choose from, so you and your partner are free to pick which ones you like, and do those- they don't happen automatically, you think about it and make a choice and then take action. 

I'm kind of glossing over the role of desire and arousal here... yeah, those do affect one's thinking and one's choices. I conceptualize this in terms of how you weigh your various reasons to do or not do something- ie, you *want* to do something, for certain reasons, but also you think you shouldn't, for certain reasons- and the desire/arousal/attraction can make you weigh some of those reasons much more highly, so that in that moment it feels like a good idea. I'm probably not describing this well? But my point is, if you imagine that people don't really think or make choices during sex, because it all just happens automatically and naturally and your body just takes over- well, no, that's not how it works.

(Kind of curious about whether "people don't think or make choices during sex" is a common belief for people who grew up in purity culture, or if I just thought that because I'm asexual and couldn't imagine people would do that if they had a choice.)

I have a few things to say in conclusion. First of all, why shouldn't sex be "an egalitarian pleasure party"? Like, why would it not be what both partners want it to be, with equality between them? If it's something other than that, where they have to play certain roles and don't have a choice, isn't that obviously worse??? Second, I wish I could have told my younger self not to believe it, when Christian role models confidently announce "*these* are the desires you have, because these are the desires that everyone has"- how messed up that I believed that rather than my own feelings. And third, when someone is trying to tell you sex *is* a certain way, and it just *cannot possibly be* some other way, they're actually talking about themself, rather than big abstract overarching concepts like "God's design" for sex.

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A few links on Doug Wilson. For years, people have been sounding the alarm about how racist and sexist and Christian-supremacist his ideology is.

From Libby Anne: 
It Is Long Past Time for Evangelical Leaders to Condemn Doug Wilson’s Views on Slavery and the South 
Doug Wilson: Women who reject patriarchy are tacitly accepting “the propriety of rape” 
Shades of Sexual Deviance: Doug Wilson and the Tale of Two Boxes

From the Slacktivist: 
Evangelical gatekeepers and conservative holiness 
For evangelicals, racism isn’t a dealbreaker, but feminism is

From me: 
Christian Nationalism / Faith Without Works Is Dead

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Related

I need to talk about this "selfish and small" nonsense

"Desiring God" says God wants women to be scared of men 

This May Be The Most WTF Christian Article On Sex I've Ever Read

Getting the Power Dynamics Backwards 

How would we even know 'Fifty Shades' isn't normal?