Honest Lent: "Think About Such Things"

Image shows a pretty tree with the text of Philippians 4:8 written next to it. Image source.

[content note: Christian ideology which is damaging to mental health]

Today for Honest Lent, I'm reading Philippians 4:1-9.

Specifically, I'd like to talk about verse 8. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."

Okay, sure, there's something to be said for thinking about positive things rather than negative ones. This verse could be interpreted as encouraging self-care. It's good for your mental health to focus on the positive things in your life, instead of dwelling on bad things. That's good advice.

But.

See, this is a bible verse. And that means, when I was a good evangelical, I would have viewed it as an absolute command, not a sometimes-useful piece of advice. And there is a world of difference between those two things.

If it's a bit of advice about mental health, then that means its purpose is to make us feel better, to give us less stress. It means we can understand the purpose, and we have the ability to judge whether or not this advice is worth following in our current situation. If following it would help achieve that purpose, then we should totally do it. But if there is a situation where it would not be helpful to try and force ourselves to think about "excellent or praiseworthy" things, if doing so would cause more stress, then we can make the choice not to follow this advice. In other words, when it's useful, we can do it and benefit from it, and when it's not useful, we can just ignore it. (The Sabbath was made for people, not people for the Sabbath.) When viewed in this light, this verse about focusing our thoughts on positive things is a very good and healthy principle.

But if it's a command from God, then everything is different. If it's a command, then when we fail to do it, we're sinning. The church taught me that sin is a big deal- committing any tiny little sin meant I deserve death, I deserve to go to hell, I killed Jesus. Any little sin is a serious rebellion against God, a vicious, heartless attack on the one who constantly showers us with love, mercy, and forgiveness. If you keep thinking about sad things and you can't help it, you're hurting God. You are a bad bad person. And if you have depression, first of all it's your fault; if you had been obeying God and thinking about "whatever is true, whatever is noble," then you wouldn't have depression. And now in addition to your depression, you should feel really guilty for your failure to obey what God commanded here. And in addition to that, you should try to force yourself to only think of good things, and then feel even worse when that doesn't work. (They tie up heavy burdens for others, but they themselves will not lift a finger to help.)

The difference between viewing this as a command and viewing it as a possibly-helpful piece of advice is enormous. If it's a command, any good it might have done is completely destroyed, and it heaps more guilt and self-hate on people who are already struggling.

But if it's just some good advice we are free to take or leave, that means we're in charge. We have the authority to decide when it would be helpful to follow it, and when it doesn't apply. But of course this would be unthinkable in the evangelical Christianity I learned. Believing that I had the ability to know the purpose behind biblical "commands" and I should choose to ignore them if they wouldn't achieve that purpose in my current situation? Ha. Of course not. Of course humans are so sinful, we can't trust our own minds, we're always looking for excuses to ignore the "clear teaching of Scripture."

Just because the bible says something doesn't mean you have to obey it. Only obey it if it's a good and healthy thing that makes sense. This stuff about forcing yourself to think about "positive" things and then feeling bad when you're not able, labelling your mental illness as "sin", doesn't help anybody. The Sabbath was made for people, not people for the Sabbath.

"Rubbish"

Batman and Alfred. Image source.

When I first started studying Chinese, I was in college in the US. I made friends with lots of international students from China, and practiced Chinese with them. I really admired the international students- they were so awesome and courageous, moving to a whole new country, a whole new culture, having to learn how things work in the US. I wanted to be like them.

Their English was very good, but I noticed they had weird words for things like trash cans and bathrooms. Bizarre, creative terms like "dust bin" or "wash room." I'm sure the first time someone said to me, "Can I take the rubbish?" I had NO IDEA what they were saying- both because of their accent and because who even uses the word "rubbish"?

As it turns out, the answer is British people. British people use the word "rubbish." Apparently, it just means trash. (I moved to China and taught English for 2 years, and I learned more British English in that time than I had in my entire life before. Chinese students all walking around saying cookies are "biscuits"- it's just madness over here.)

All this talk of "rubbish" reminds me of a sermon I heard many years ago, on Philippians 3:7-11.

But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

(The above excerpt comes from the ESV. The current NIV version uses the term "garbage" rather than "rubbish" in verse 8 there, but the one I read growing up, the 1984 NIV, said "I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ." And I'm pretty sure that was the version used in this sermon.)

The speaker- an American, giving a sermon to an American audience, in the United States- pointed out that word, "rubbish." She said, wow, such a unique word, we rarely use it. When you think of "rubbish" you think of a British butler with his nose turned up, holding a trash bag at arm's length, like he's so high-class and these things are so beneath him.

Her point was, the apostle Paul felt such disdain for his "gains" in his life before Christ, that he needed to choose a special word to properly convey that feeling. The apostle Paul wanted the Philippians to know that his feeling was the same as that of a proper British butler.

And like, when I phrase it that way, the anachronism is pretty obvious- like obviously Paul didn't hold stereotypes about what British butlers are like. Actually, the speaker was just trying to tell us that the word "rubbish" has a different feel than "garbage", like it's a term reserved for especially awful garbage. And that's true, in American English, but only because of American culture's idea of British butlers. It's still an anachronism.

If you're a British person reading "I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ," there's no shockingly unique word that stands out and demands us to question why it was chosen. It's just the same thing as if an American read "I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ."

(And I won't even go into how, if you look at the actual Greek word that Paul used, it should probably be translated more like "shit" or "crap.")

That sermon is a good example of how Christians of the "bible is inerrant" persuasion put so much emphasis on every individual word in the bible, and they find meaning that isn't even there. It's a translation of an ancient book- you can't take the individual English words too seriously. I often have to write English translations of Chinese documents for my job, and, you guys, translation is hard. For some reason, four sentences' worth of stuff somehow becomes all one sentence in Chinese. I have to decide where to break it up. And sometimes there's a word or concept that doesn't translate directly into English, because you'd have to understand some Chinese culture in order to get it. I have to decide whether to preserve individual words or just write a completely new sentence that gets the same point across and sounds much more natural to an American reader. And there's no "right" way to do it.

When you read an English version of the bible, you can be pretty sure the English translation matches the general idea of what the passage said, but oh my, DO NOT get stuck on individual words. (Maybe the best way to avoid this problem is to read several different translations- if a specific word gets translated in a few different ways, maybe don't put too much emphasis on that exact word and how it feels to you, a native speaker of American English [or whatever your language background is]). Really, it's kind of deceptive how the bibles we read are full of English words we understand and sentences that make sense to us. It hides how completely foreign the bible truly is.

Here's another way that Christians get stuck on individual words in the bible: I've often heard people say things like "This bible verse has the word 'trust' in it, so I looked up 'trust' in the dictionary, and one definition was [definition that isn't the one being used in this verse], and wow, isn't it amazing to think [whatever the conclusion would be if that was the definition that the writer meant, rather than the definition that's more likely based on the context]."

So bizarre. The translator just chose the word "trust" because it was the English word with the closest meaning to what the writer was saying. That doesn't mean every possible definition of "trust" in Webster's dictionary applies to that verse.

Or there's this: "The word that's translated as [whatever English word] comes from the same Greek word they used for [some interesting imagery about farm animals or whatever]. So really, the writer meant that we [do whatever thing] in the same way that [a donkey pulls a cart or whatever]."

Uh, not really. (This is really the same mistake as the "I looked it up in an English dictionary" thing, except you used a dictionary from the original language instead.) Just because the same word is used in multiple circumstances doesn't mean that, when we use it in one context, we're always thinking about how this situation is similar to another context where that word would also be used. It would be like if someone read "we were kicked out" and started teaching that "this word 'kick' is the same word they used in their sports games, so the original audience would have imagined big, strong athletes when reading this." Yes, in some cases it's true that a word has a certain special "feel" because of the other ways it can be used, and that affects its meaning- but sometimes it totally doesn't. (This is especially true in Chinese, where more complicated words are often made of smaller, simpler words, but nobody is thinking of the meaning of those smaller words when they say them. Like "小心 [xiǎo xīn]" means "be careful"- but "小 [xiǎo]" means "little" and "心 [xīn]" means "heart." Why on earth do they mean "be careful" when you put them together? Who knows? But when you tell someone to be careful in Chinese, you don't involuntarily think of little hearts.) You really have to have a deep understanding of the language and culture to know when those other situations would affect the meaning or "feel" of a word, and when they wouldn't.

Don't take individual words in the bible so seriously. It's just a translation, and maybe they picked the best English word but that doesn't mean it has the exact same meaning as the original Hebrew or Greek. Translation is hard.

My Identity was in Christ

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"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ." - Philippians 3:7

"Don't be angry, if I wash his feet with my tears and I dry them with my hair. You weren't there, the night Jesus found me. You did not feel what I felt when he wrapped his love all around me. And you don't know the cost of the oil in my alabaster box." - "Alabaster Box" by Cece Winans

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Obsession.

I was at a Christian conference, and the bible study leader asked us to write down one word to describe our faith. I wrote "obsession." And it was true.

Jesus was everything. Jesus had saved me- but I didn't use the word "saved" because for Christians, "saved" means you became a Christian. No, Jesus had rescued me. As in, literally changed my life. In less than a week, he had turned my life around- I went from completely hopeless to the happiest I could possibly be. It was a deep deep change, all the way down to my heart, all of my emotions. It wasn't just a new piece of information I started to believe, or a new plan for how to improve myself... no, I had changed, and in such a deep way that I knew it was God who did it.

It was God, God Almighty, who reached down from heaven and healed me.

And I was forever grateful. Jesus, Jesus was my love, my life. My lord, my master. Jesus was everything.

Do you know how it feels to lose everything?

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Christians talk about how our identity should be in Christ. And God is supposed to be the most important thing in our lives. And we shouldn't have idols.

And then they come to their weekly prayer meetings and say, "Can you guys pray for me? I've really been struggling with putting God first. I try to make time to read my bible, I try to remember to pray, but there are always other things that come up, and it's so hard." The idea is, we all agree that our identity should be in Christ, but it's such a faraway and impossible goal. And we should feel bad about our continued failure to reach it.

Not me though. My identity actually was in Christ.

I loved him. I thought about him constantly. He had rescued me. He was real. I had experienced his power and it was the greatest thing imaginable.

Every day I woke up early so I could spend maybe 40 minutes to an hour reading the bible, journaling, and praying. Sometimes I had an extra hour in the evening between classes and group meetings, and I'd find an empty classroom and kneel down and pray. I loved God.

When I had a crush on a boy, I would pray about it. God was in charge of my life, and any likage of boys was a possible threat. It would be a sin to like a guy "too much" and get "emotionally attached" to him. (That wouldn't be "guarding my heart." And if I acted on my feelings- even in a way as subtle as choosing to stick around and talk to the guy after bible study meetings- that would be "not waiting for God's best.") So if I liked a guy, and he was a good Christian and therefore he might be the special one that God had destined for me, I prayed. And prayed. And prayed. And begged God for a "yes" or "no." I spent hours of my spare time asking and asking and asking, listening for his (yes, his) answer. Analyzing whatever random thoughts popped up while praying, wondering if God was telling me "yes" or "no."

Sometimes God did say "no." Most of the time, I didn't get an answer and I worried about it constantly. And I never got a yes.

I prayed and I begged and I didn't allow myself to feel. But it was all worth it, because I trusted God so much. I knew God cared so deeply about my love life and about keeping me pure, inexperienced, and safe from the horrible danger that is romance.

Jesus was Lord over all of it. I thought, I will wait. And even if God wants me to be single forever, I will. I trust God.

You don't know the cost of the oil in my alabaster box.

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There was also evangelism.

I knew everyone needed Jesus. I knew every non-Christian was living every day in their own personal hell, and I knew God had the power to work a miracle and get them out of it.

And I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I wanted to see God's power, to experience God transforming the lives of my friends. God, open his eyes. God, change her heart, God, show them that they need you.

I knew I was a missionary. Also a college student, but that wasn't anywhere near as important. I went to meetings with my Christian fellowship. I planned evangelistic events. I started bible studies. And came back home and did my homework in the middle of the night because it was the lowest priority. ... Nope, sleep was the lowest priority.

God would sustain me.

And it hurt, and I doubted, and I failed. There were times I was so excited because a new person came to my bible study, and times I felt awful because I missed an opportunity or said the wrong thing. I was locked in spiritual warfare, and I knew I just had to stay strong and keep working for Jesus. He knew. He cared. He knew I was doing the right thing.

I loved him, and it was all worth it.

Do you know what it feels like to lose that?

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God was it. God was everything. Every now and then I would identify some kind of "idol" in my life and get all freaked out and repent and consider anew how deep my sin nature ran- but for the most part, God was first in my life.

I prayed. I worshiped. I sang and danced and overflowed with joy and I wanted to share God's love with everyone. I was not ashamed of the gospel. I loved my friends so much and I knew that they needed to become Christians or they would never be truly happy. I had the awkward conversations. I didn't let social norms and politeness get in the way of telling them about God.

My identity was in Christ. My desire was that whenever someone thought of me, they couldn't help but think about Jesus too. I was happy to hear a friend of mine say that, when he was talking to some acquaintance and mentioned my name, the acquaintance said "is she the one who's always posting religious things on facebook?" I'll have you know I never posted sappy Christian-sounding platitudes and cliches. Nope, I'd heard those all a million times and I wanted to cut through all that and express the fact that my relationship with God was real and life-giving and nothing at all like a tired cliche.

That relationship defined my life, just the way that evangelicals say it should.

Now it's over.

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They said everyone needs to worship something. And people will look for satisfaction in all kinds of places, but the only one that really works is God. You can chase all kinds of other things- money, romance, family, career, fame- and you'll end up unhappy.

They said build your house on the rock. All other ground is sinking sand.

I gave everything to God. It was hard, but it didn't feel like a sacrifice because I knew that living without him would be hell on earth.

Whatever was to my profit I considered loss for the sake of Christ.

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I was driven. I was devoted. And Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." So I started to listen to people who were different from me, so I could understand them and love them. So I could help them get out of their sin and find God.

I listened and read so many people talk about things I didn't agree with. Telling personal stories about their lives that I didn't agree with. They said it was okay for them to live that way, but I knew it wasn't, and I looked for uncertainties in their tone, for places where their confidence cracked because they were living a lie.

Because I knew, and God knew, that you can't have a truly happy life unless it's centered on Jesus. I was on his team. We were on a mission to save the world.

Until I bailed on the mission.

Because how many times can you read people's accounts of their own personal lives, and believe every one of them is lying? (Or at least, lying to themselves?)

I read about a gay man who had spent most of his life thinking he was broken, but finally he accepted himself, and now he's in a relationship with a man, and he's happier than he's ever been. I can read that and think, "No, he's secretly unhappy." But what happens when I read similar stories, again and again and again? How many times can I reassure myself, "No, these people are wrong about their own personal lives, and I know what they really need"?

I read a blog by an atheist who said no, she doesn't have a "God-shaped hole." She is actually totally fine with her life. There is no deep unresolved unhappiness. I can decide, "No, she secretly is unhappy, she'll realize it eventually." But how long can I keep that up, faced with an onslaught of personal testimonies which contradict what I was taught?

In the face of this new evidence, I changed my beliefs. I decided that to truly love someone means to believe them when they talk about their own personal life and their own needs.

But my God didn't change. How could he? Don't you know Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever? This was the God I prayed to because I wanted him to stop same-sex marriage from becoming legal. We were a team. We were fighting for the same things.

I admitted I had been wrong, that I didn't have enough information at that time, and that's why I opposed LGBT rights and thought everyone needed to become a Christian.

But God wouldn't admit he was wrong.

The God I had trusted, that I loved so much, that I devoted my life to, without limit. And all this time, we had been fighting for the wrong things. I didn't know any better. But what about God? He must have known. And his goals- my goals- were things that were actually hurting people.

Do you know how it feels to see the one you love more than anything else turn into a monster?

What's supposed to happen to me, when my identity is in Christ, but I can't have anything to do with that version of "Christ" anymore?

It hurts so bad. I've lost my identity. I've lost everything.

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Whatever was to my profit I now consider loss.

Blogaround

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1. ‘Erotic liberty’ — Al Mohler’s new slur is really a sad confession (posted May 21) "The phrase, as Mohler is trying to use it, only makes sense if you accept Mohler’s premise — which is that “erotic” has, and can only have, negative connotations."

2. Jesus and the Beelzebul Controversy: A Devilish Synoptic Puzzle (posted May 20) Cool stuff.

3. Why I Hate The Most Popular Verse on Twitter (Philippians 4:13) (posted May 21) "In short, Philippians 4:13 has become about winning."

4. Out of Sight (posted 2014) "In terms of being able to live a quality, independent life without sight, the Internet has been the most dramatic change in the lives of blind people since the invention of Braille."

Links about the Duggars:

5. When a Good Offense is the Best Defense for Abuse (posted May 25) "Growing up Quiverfull taught me to hide family secrets through misdirection, offering up my ultra-modest wardrobe and political rants and Bible memorization trophies to public scrutiny so that no one would guess the horrors happening behind the scenes."

6. The Duggars: How Fundamentalism's Teachings on Sexuality Create Predatory Behavior (posted May 23) "He can't think about sex, because that is sin. Of course, he can’t masturbate either, because that is sin. He can’t even be friends with a girl. In fact, he his kept physically separated from them. He is staring at having to completely satisfy his future father-in-law before he can even try a relationship, and that could be many years down the road if financial prosperity doesn’t come quickly."

7. I’m Tired of Talking about Bill Gothard & the Duggars (posted May 26) "I’m tired of watching them fumble around with dramatic heaviness the “oh my god can you believe this scandal?” when it was my fucking life for twenty years."

8. It's Not Only About Josh Duggar, It's Also About An Entire SYSTEM of Abuse (posted May 27) "Especially in spiritually abusive environments, people are told that forgiveness is the same thing as reconciliation. We are told we must accept the abuser’s apology and allow him/her back into our lives."

9. All of these posts from Libby Anne:
When the Perpetrators Matter More than the Victims
How Christian Culture Excuses Sex Offenders
Josh Duggar’s Lies, Damn Lies, and Half Truths
It Took This for People to Listen?

Not a Cliche

Sometimes the bible seems really cliche to me. I can't help it, I've been a Christian my whole life- I have a lifetime of experience in Christian culture with people always reciting the popular bible verses, putting them up against a pastel background on a powerpoint slide, cross-stitching them into pillows...

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And I'm sorry but it gets old and kind of meaningless.

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If anyone could explain how the flowers relate to any of these verses, I would be most grateful. Image source.

All these encouraging verses, ripped from their context, presented as a simple answer to the world's problems. Just putting a good face on stuff as if we're always TOTALLY FINE AND HAPPY when we're Christians.

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(Though I must admit, I really do like a lot of the above images and verses...)

So I read Psalm 57 and yeah, a lot of these verses, I've heard them before. "Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth," and so on. And my first response (though I'd probably keep it to myself) would be "blah blah blah yeah I've heard that before"- IF I hadn't read the entire psalm.

Because dude, Psalm 57 talks about some scary stuff! "I am in the midst of lions; I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts- men whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords."

Yikes. Let's see that one pasted onto a photo of a majestic waterfall. Let's use that as the theme verse for our women's conference. Deck it out in pastels and flowers. And we can have the little kids in Sunday School draw lions. Perfect.

Psalm 57 is so odd- it has these 2 seemingly unconnected themes running through it. First, David being in incredible danger from these "lions," his enemies, and he's crying out to God for help. And second, abundant praise and love for God.

What is the connection? Well I guess the connection is that God saved him, so then he praises God? I guess? To me, reading this psalm, they just appear to be completely separate ideas, set there next to each other.

Basically, out of his distress and danger, he was able to say, "My heart, O God, is steadfast," and worship God with so much adoration. And wow, I love that. THAT is authentic. THAT is not a cliche. That is NOT just saying nice things to pretend that there are no problems in the world- no, David was suffering and yet he still praised God.

Wowwwww. Context is everything. A few more examples:

Ever hear the verse, "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth"? Ah, that's nice, my redeemer lives, obviously we're talking about Jesus, yada yada yada.

Wait, this is Job 19:25? Job? As in, the guy who lost everything he had, and all his kids died, and then his "friends" were like "well obviously this is your fault for being a sinner"? And in Job 19, Job accuses God of doing all this to him...

“Though I cry, ‘Violence!’ I get no response;
    though I call for help, there is no justice.
He has blocked my way so I cannot pass;
    he has shrouded my paths in darkness.
He has stripped me of my honor
    and removed the crown from my head.
He tears me down on every side till I am gone;
    he uproots my hope like a tree.
His anger burns against me;
    he counts me among his enemies.
His troops advance in force;
    they build a siege ramp against me
    and encamp around my tent.

He has alienated my family from me;
    my acquaintances are completely estranged from me.
My relatives have gone away;
    my closest friends have forgotten me.
My guests and my female servants count me a foreigner;
    they look on me as on a stranger.
I summon my servant, but he does not answer,
    though I beg him with my own mouth.
My breath is offensive to my wife;
    I am loathsome to my own family.
Even the little boys scorn me;
    when I appear, they ridicule me.
All my intimate friends detest me;
    those I love have turned against me.
I am nothing but skin and bones;
    I have escaped only by the skin of my teeth."

(Let's cross-stitch some of those on pillows. And you guys, there's a lot more where that came from. Seriously let's get working on those pillows.)

And then, right near the end of the chapter: "I know that my redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand on the earth." Wow, that verse means something different now, doesn't it?

And have you heard those verses from Philippians? Things like "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" and "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Did you know Paul was IN JAIL when he wrote Philippians?

Jail. JAIL! Image source.

Dude. Dude. When we read the bible, we have to see the good and the bad- or else it comes across like all those Christian cliches which deny the existence of suffering, imply that Christians should hide their problems, and give pat non-answers to those who are hurting.

And wow, Psalm 57 does this really well. The extremes of the good and the bad. "Be exalted, O God, above the heavens," and "I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts."

As I said in The Bible Is Less Naive Than Me:

I thought the bible presented a naive religion that couldn't handle anybody asking questions about God letting evil things happen. I thought it promised puppies and rainbows and had nothing to say about sickness and tragedy. But nothing could be further from the truth.

The church NEEDS to talk about pain and suffering, because pain and suffering are real.

The church NEEDS to overflow with worship in response God's love and faithfulness, because God's love and faithfulness are real.

The church NEEDS to fight injustice in this world, because the injustice in this world is real.

The church NEEDS to believe in the goodness of God, because the goodness of God is real.

And it is that goodness that will win in the end. God's love and justice will transform this world so there will be no more pain. (Can I get an amen?)

And as we look forward to that, as we join Jesus in his mission to change the world, let's be honest about the good and the bad. Just like Psalm 57.

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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 57. To read other people's posts, click here: Breakthrough, A Reflection on Psalm 57.