Adventures in Sexy Halloween Costumes

Of course I had never worn a sexy Halloween costume before this year. Because they are "immodest" and therefore evil.

But, you know, I'm on tao bao (Chinese equivalent to ebay) trying to pick out a costume for my school's Halloween party. (We teach the students English, and we also teach them a bit about Western culture, so OBVIOUSLY there needs to be a Halloween party.) There are so many cute costumes... and you know I'm thinking those women are so beautiful, and those costumes would look so good on me... I'm young and skinny and beautiful and I really love how I look. I want to wear stuff like that.

(You know, ever since I ditched modesty, I've been so happy that I'm free to say, "She's really beautiful" rather than judge other women for wearing the "immodest" stuff I wish I was allowed to wear.)

So, encouraged by my coworkers, who assured me I would look incredibly cute in many of those costumes, I picked one out and ordered it.

Here's what I bought, female Captain America:

Image source.

I mean, she's beautiful, right? (No no, she's totally evil for wearing that and being so inconsiderate to the men whose minds are being attacked by her sexiness, plus she doesn't respect herself, she just wants attention from men.) (Wow I'm so glad I ditched modesty culture so I don't have to think stuff like that any more.)

It came in the mail, I opened up the package and my first thought was "oh no, I ordered a child's size by mistake." Haha, no this is the adult woman costume, honey. "One size fits most."

Okay so I tried it on. Well goodness, I look freaking beautiful. I pretty much look like the woman in the picture- tall and skinny (and no cleavage). Put on my high heels and everything. Oh man I felt so good, strutting around my little apartment.

However. The skirt is incredibly short. My underwear might show when I sit down or move or whatever. So I reasoned that I had 3 options:

1. Wear something under it- shorts or leggings, maybe, so no one sees my underwear.
2. Make peace with the fact that people might happen to catch a glimpse of my underwear.
3. Be paranoid and careful throughout the entire party, avoiding any movement that might perhaps cause my skirt to move slightly.

And wow, I suddenly realized, every woman who dresses "immodest" (normal people use words like cute, hot, sexy, beautiful) probably thinks carefully about stuff like that, and makes a decision about what exactly she wants to show and not show. 

Of course I used to imagine she would just think "haha I don't respect my body, WHATEVERRRRRRR" and totally not care who saw what.

Like, you're already wearing this evil immodest thing, you have no right to set a boundary and not let people see your underwear. (Wow if that's not rape culture, I don't know what is. Asking for it...)

So I talked it over with my sister, who said the dress would be fine as-is just for a regular party, but since I was going to a party at my job, with my boss there and me being a teacher and stuff, I should get some leggings. She said if it was her, she wouldn't want her boss to see her underwear. (My boss is a woman- is that relevant here? No, still wouldn't want my boss to see my underwear.)

I've never had to think about stuff like this before, you guys!

I told my sister, "but I want to be sexy" and she said "if you get some tight leggings it will still be sexy." OH MY GOODNESS! Do you know how many rules I broke by saying "I want to be sexy"? And wow, the idea that tight clothing is good- completely mind-blowing. Completely immodest.

Okay so I bought some blue leggings. And I still look great, I'll have you know.

So the day of the Halloween party came. When students started showing up in costumes- my students are adults, mostly in their 20s and 30s- I went into the back room and got changed into mine. I came out and was immediately made aware of Captain America's Chinese name (美国队长 měiguó duìzhǎng) because the students were all impressed and telling me I was beautiful and such- I was turning heads. And everyone was taking pictures with their phones. (Not just me- anyone with a good costume got mobbed by paparazzi.)

I knew I was beautiful. And I totally didn't worry at all about "what if my skirt comes up" or whatever- actually I totally forgot about it. I had the blue leggings so no worries. So happy.

And there you have it. My very very first time daring to be sexy in public. My very very first time unashamedly, explicitly saying I want to look sexy. Sure, there have been formal dances I've attended, where I wore amazing dresses and looked incredibly beautiful- but I always felt guilty for indulging my desire to be beautiful. It's mean to the guys, you know.

My body is freaking beautiful and I want to look amazing- something totally not allowed in Modesty Land.

It feels so good to be immodest.

It feels so good to dress for myself, not for guys.

Maybe the Old Testament God isn't the Worst God Ever?

So here's a question: What if the violence God did in the Old Testament was to punish people for doing bad things to other people, instead of being the wrong religion?

As Psalm 79:6-7 says,
"Pour out your wrath on the nations
    that do not acknowledge you,
on the kingdoms
    that do not call on your name;
for they have devoured Jacob
    and devastated his homeland."

Not "for they follow the wrong gods" or anything like that. No, it's because of the war crimes committed against Israel.

Another example: Amos 1. Judgment is prophesied against many of the nearby nations, and the reasons given are all massive human-rights violations: killing civilians, forcing people into slavery.

(However, Amos 2 gets around to condemning the nation of Judah- God's people- for not keeping God's law. Seems like they're held to a different/higher standard?)

When Israel's God commanded his people not to follow other gods, perhaps it was because of what other religions did, not because "hey if you refer to God by the wrong name then you make him very angry." The Old Testament mentions two incredibly shady aspects of the other religions at the time: temple prostitution and human sacrifice.

Temple prostitution:

Passages explicitly mentioning temple prostitutes: Deuteronomy 23:17 ,1 Kings 14:24, 2 Kings 23:7 (why are all of these about male prostitutes? I'm assuming it's because female prostitutes were normal, so they didn't bother to write that part down?)

Passages which used terms related to prostitution as a metaphor for following other gods: Exodus 34:15-16 plus commentary, 2 Chronicles 21:13, Isaiah 57:5 plus commentary, Jeremiah 2:20, etc, this theme comes up a lot. So, I'm going with the assumption that talk of lust and adultery was not just a metaphor for God's people chasing other gods, but that their religious practices actually involved having sex.

(Wait a minute... I'm starting to think this is totally not a metaphor at all... wow I've been reading the bible completely wrong.)

I'm not sure how exactly the temple prostitution worked, but given the patriarchal culture of the time, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was not very nice to women.

(see also the wikipedia page on sacred prostitution)

Human sacrifice:

Worship of the god Molech involved sacrificing children. That is MESSED-UP, dude.

See this list for biblical mentions of Molek.

Also this list of references about sacrificing sons and daughters.

This is not really the best thing to be googling late at night. Image source.

So, if this were true, if the people God killed in the Old Testament were all guilty of horrific human-rights violations, that would make the God of the Old Testament kind of reasonable and not the worst God ever.

But.

But this can't account for everything. Sure, crimes like this were occurring- but do you really think every single man, woman, and child killed by God's punishments was personally involved in these crimes?

Why was God's response just about killing and punishment? What about trying to help the victims?

Does it make any sense to say, "Some of the people in [place] are mistreating other people in [place], so we should punish this crime by killing everyone in [place]"?

It's like God/ the biblical authors see it as "well these things are happening so that society is totally messed up- gotta totally get rid of it."

And the religion that Israel's God established still commanded genocide and horrible stuff like that. This theory doesn't make it all better.

But I really do think the problem was that different religions were actually different, and had religious practices that hurt other people, and that's what made God angry. Not worshiping in a temple that's a different shape or whatever.

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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 79. To read other people's posts, click here: Where is Jesus?

Blogaround

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1. ordeal of the bitter waters, part five (posted October 15) "To me, that’s the only thing this passage could mean; God had created a ritual that forced abortions in order to prove a woman’s guilt."

2. The 12 Types of Procrastinators (posted September 14) Yep.

3. Happy Reformation Sunday!

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4. Beyond Tribal Theology (posted October 24) I like this graphic because it says I'm still a Christian, just as Christian as conservative Christians.

The People Are Many

The subway pulled into the station, and the doors opened. It was packed- people all the way up to the doorway, and none of them got off. So we pushed. The people in front of me, who had been waiting, pushed into the subway car, and I pushed them, and people behind pushed me, and I heard “Move! Move!” in Chinese.

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In English we say “It’s crowded.” In Chinese we say “人多(rén duō).” 人(rén) means “people” and 多(duō) means “a lot.” Literally, “The people are many.”

But it bothers me. Complaining that “it’s crowded”- this place is crowded- it’s a problem with the place. But when you say “人多(rén duō),” 人(rén) is the subject of the sentence. Like it’s a problem with the people. Like we don’t like people or something. It feels so dehumanizing to me. (Yes I know that Chinese people don’t think of it that way, because this is a completely normal thing to say in Chinese. I’ll get used to it eventually.)

I didn’t get a seat on the bus because 人多(rén duō). I had to wait in line and missed my train because 人多(rén duō). There’s so much traffic because 人多(rén duō). The concept of “personal space” doesn’t exist in China because 人多(rén duō). I took one look at the line outside the museum and decided it wasn’t worth it because 人多(rén duō). People stampede onto the subway car in the hopes of grabbing one of the few seats (AND IT TERRIFIES ME) because 人多(rén duō). Hang on tight to your purse because 人多(rén duō).

So when I go out with friends, we hope that 人(rén) aren’t 多(duō). Going to the park in the daytime is nice because 人(rén) aren’t 多(duō). We had a great time sightseeing because 人(rén) weren’t 多(duō). I hope 人(rén) aren’t 多(duō) on the subway so I can get a seat.

Doesn’t it kind of sound like I hate people? Like, these people are just trying to get to work, or enjoy their vacation, or go to a restaurant, just like me. They didn’t do anything wrong. But we don’t like how they’re so 多(duō).

The way I see it, it’s not that there are too many people in China, it’s that the space is too small.

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There are little sparrows here, just like in America. They look exactly the same. And it’s nice, something familiar, a reminder of home.

And when I see a sparrow flitting about, I remember what Jesus said: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care." Sometimes I feel so small and lost in a sea of people, but God cares about me. He sees every sparrow. And he cares about every person. Each and every one of the 1.3 billion people in China.

And I want to love like God, but I know I just can’t. I just can’t. Not when the people are many.

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You know what’s annoying? When I’m trying to buy myself an ice cream cone, but there are too many fearfully-and-wonderfully-made people, created in the image of God, each one with their own desires and dreams and fears, completely known and loved by God, and so it takes freaking FOREVER to get my ice cream.

I live in a huge city. I’ve never lived in a city as big as this. And the reality is, I have to view random strangers in public mainly as obstacles I need to navigate in order to meet my day-to-day needs. As much as I’d love to see people as God does, I just can’t. No human brain can do that. It’s completely mind-blowing and overwhelming.

Because the people are many.

I’m not God, I can’t be God, and I think it would be very unhealthy to even try. Every time I see a person, to think “here is a person created in the image of God, known and loved by him, isn’t that great, let’s pray that God would bless him/her,” and then feel guilty when I can’t keep up with it when 12 people get out of the elevator... No, my brain can’t handle that. No human can.

(Also I have to think about my own safety, before just trying to "love everyone." There's a small minority of people who would like to take advantage of me... I have to be aware of that rather than just naively thinking I can "love everyone"- because I'm not God.)

On the one hand, maybe this is good because it shows me how God’s love is so unimaginably massive. You know, more unimaginably massive than the population of China.

But on the other hand, I don’t want to see people as obstacles. I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I can’t feel love toward my brothers and sisters.

I can’t love everybody. I just can’t. God can, but I can’t. And I know that it’s okay- God made humans limited like that. Just love a few people at a time- friends and family- and that will be enough. (And maybe pray, “God, bless EVERYBODY. Amen.”) That’s all I can do.

Because God made the people many.

Chinese Food (Photo Dump)

And here's this month's edition of "what Perfect Number has been eating in China":

番茄炒蛋 (fānqié chǎo dàn) Fried tomatos and eggs.

Whoa cool, ice cream! That looks really good! Ummm, no actually, this is mashed potatoes. That was not a typo: this is mashed potatoes. Cold mashed potatoes with some kind of sweet blueberry sauce and a cherry on top. WHYYYYYYYY WOULD YOU DO THAT????? My 2 Chinese friends who were with me also thought it was incredibly bizarre.

Kiwi and yogurt for breakfast.

Fancy coffee.

奶茶(nǎi chá) In English, I guess this is called "milk tea" or "bubble tea," but uh, I haven't had it in America so I don't know.

Some fast food from a cafeteria-style place. Tofu, horrible-tasting veggies with eggs (I thought they were green peppers. They are not), and rice. Always gotta have rice.

鸡蛋 (jīdàn) Eggs. In a bag? Idk, man. You can also buy them in plastic cartons, which seem much more normal to me as an American.

青椒炒蛋 (qīngjiāo chǎo dàn) Green peppers and eggs. AWESOME!

My attempt at making 番茄炒蛋 (fānqié chǎo dàn) fried tomatos and eggs. They came out okay.

鱼香肉丝 (yú xiāng ròu sī) Shredded pork and veggies.

芒果冰沙 (mángguǒ bīng shā) Mango smoothie.

炒饭 (chǎofàn) Fried rice.

Okay so there's this place that makes really awesome crepes. (可丽饼 kě lì bǐng in Chinese, but it's from France so most Chinese people don't know what a 可丽饼 kě lì bǐng is.)

Doesn't that look freakin' delicious? Banana, vanilla ice cream, custard, whipped cream, caramel.

Here is the finished crepe.

TOTALLY AWESOME ICE CREAM!

Pineapple fried rice.

宫保鸡丁 (gōng bǎo jī dīng) Kung pao chicken.

土豆丝 (tǔdòu sī) Shredded potatoes. And some mysterious type of meatball.

I bought this mysterious vegetable. I have no idea how to cook it.

Fancy coffee.

Pig ears. Kind of chewy... I only ate one.

You guys! Look what I bought!

I'm so freaking happy!

In Chinese, Harry Potter is 哈利波特 (hā lì bō tè). This book is "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets," aka "哈利波特与密室 (hā lì bō tè yǔ mìshì)."

And here's the inside:

So cool! I'm totally gonna read this and be AWESOME at Chinese.

An Illogical Prayer?

You know, we Christians pray this way a lot. And I'm not sure it makes any sense at all.

Basically, the writer of Psalm 77 is crying out to God for help. Pretty desperate- he seems to have some serious problem, though we're not told what it is. Then he gets super-honest, which is great:

"Will the Lord reject forever?
    Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
    Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

And then he begins to talk about what God has done for the nation of Israel in the past- bringing them out of Egypt, parting the Red Sea, sending Moses and Aaron to lead them. And he finds comfort in that. God's past actions prove him to be faithful, powerful, and loving. Fantastic.

Image source.

But... uh... here's the problem. So... God did an amazing, powerful miracle to rescue all those people... and therefore he should help me? What if he only sees people from a distance and can't see an individual's needs? I mean, yeah he loves people so he'll do these big things that benefit large groups, but what does it matter if one person here or there is suffering?

And that miracle- bringing the Israelites out of Egypt- is such a big deal precisely because it's the kind of thing that doesn't happen every day. How does it make any sense to pray "God help me like you did when you did that miracle"? It's a miracle precisely because God doesn't really ever do that for people.

But I've prayed like this so many times. Something in my life reminds me of a bible story, and I pray for God to move with power like he did in the story. As if my life is so important that it can compare to a biblical epic.

Okay, wait. What if the point of miracles, the meaning behind them, isn't "we're bending the laws of physics how cool is that" but in what they reveal about God's character? And that's why they were written down for us? The bible has these accounts of huge miracles not so we can say "something really amazing happened to a handful of people back in the day, good for them" but so we can learn about who God is- the living God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Maybe? I don't know, just throwing some ideas out here.

Because it is a leap of logic to think that something that happened to a small minority of people in the past should determine how God acts toward me right now. And that's what the writer of Psalm 77 does.

Should we pray like that or not? Why were the miracles in the bible recorded? Miracles are so rare (that's why they're miracles) so do they even matter in our lives at all? And how do we know if God's love is for people in general or actual individual people?

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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 77. To read other people's posts, click here: When We Don’t Feel Like Worshipping.

Blogaround

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1. 50 People On ‘The Most Intellectual Joke I Know’ (posted October 1) My favorite is "Q: What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot."

2. The Shooting Room, a fascinating math problem/paradox, and here is the reddit discussion on it. Blows my mind.

3. Once Upon a Cheap Hotel Room (posted October 5) "If you ever hear a purity culture Christian saying, 'I’ve never heard of anyone who had premarital sex and didn’t regret it!' you can send them this blog post. I had premarital sex. I don’t regret it."

4. Star Trek Tribble Nerdcraft (posted October 10) I want to make one!

5. How Malala, Teen Activist Shot By Taliban, Made Jon Stewart's Jaw Drop (VIDEO) (posted October 9) Wow.

6. ordeal of the bitter waters, part two (posted October 10) "And that’s when I understood that being pro-life and advocating for the rape exception was wrong. Because, if I’d lived in a system where you have to prove you were raped? I wouldn’t have been able to do it. ... And the thought of living in that world ... it sickens me."

Because We're All Wrong

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Slacktivist nails it with this post, Are Mormons Christian? A series of unhelpful questions.

"Is Mormon doctrine orthodox, accurate and correct?" he asks, then answers no, of course not, because Mormons are human and all human thinking has some errors.

Next, "Do Mormons have a proper understanding of salvation?" Again the answer is no, because no one does. And oh my goodness, this:

Most Mormons, to their credit, do not subscribe to the one theory of “salvation” about which I can say with confident certainty, “This is wholly and utterly wrong.” That certainly wrong theory is the notion that our salvation is dependent on our possessing a correct and proper understanding of the mechanics of salvation.

Oh dear goodness, this. How many times have I heard that some person or group of people (usually Catholics?) are "not real Christians [or not really saved] because they believe we can be saved by [some belief that differs from 'the right answer']."

Which seriously makes no sense. We're saved by having the correct understanding of how exactly we're saved? I thought it was the grace of God or something like that.

And from there of course Slactivist goes on to say Jesus loves everyone, and shouldn't we be loving Jesus by helping others rather than arguing about who's in and who's out? Amen to all of that. Go read the whole post.

And now, here's my story about the question "Are Mormons Christian?"

In college I had many acquaintances who were Mormon, plus a couple of close friends. And, you know, back then, I knew the "right answer" was that Mormons are not Christians and that it's all bad and whatnot. I talked with my Mormon friends a lot, to try to find where the difference was between their beliefs and mine- the difference that supposedly made them so dangerous and wrong. But where was the difference? They talked about Jesus and sin and all the same stuff I believed.

Yeah, if you talked about some details about their beliefs, there were things I thought were weird, but those were just details.

But, I was told by those Christians I considered "real Christians", the important difference was that Mormons think Jesus was created by God the Father, or something like that? Not sure on the exact details, but since it was an error about Jesus, it disqualified them from being Christians.

Okay... and since I was a good Christian at the time, I believed in that "right answer," even though I wondered what difference it made. The exact details of where Jesus came from and whether he's equal to God the Father- like, how does that actually affect one's life on a personal level? Was my Mormon friend's relationship with God somehow completely fake because of a line in a creed about the Trinity, which nobody understands anyway?

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And much later, I realized how wrong I was about God. I had subconsciously believed he was white, and male, and American, and more or less the same as the people in my church growing up.

And yet I had believed I was right and was therefore going to heaven, and people of other religions were wrong and were therefore going to hell.

Seriously?

Yeah, like I'm gonna get into a heaven based on understanding who God is. Yeah right. Like I'm gonna get in, thinking he's American, but Muslims aren't getting in.

Dude we're all wrong.

No one can understand God. And I can tell you I am 100% sure I'm wrong about God. I mean, how could I not be? How could any person not be?

And sure, some people's beliefs are closer to the truth than others, but who's to say where the line is?

This reminds me of all those gospel presentations I heard growing up. "Getting into heaven can't be based on doing good. Sure, some people are better than others, but who's to say where the line is? And therefore the only standard that makes sense is you have to be PERFECT, and no one is."

Unfortunately we run into the same problem if getting into heaven is based on being right about God. We're human. We can't be right about God.

But maybe we're saved by his grace, somehow. Even those in the "wrong" religions. And perhaps I should count myself among them.

An Angry God

Yeah, I was taught that God's angry. And why? Because of our sin. He is angry at EVERYONE because everyone sins. And why is sin bad? Because it breaks our relationship with God. And so we all deserve to be punished.

And so we should all feel really bad about how unworthy we are.

So let's take a look at Psalm 76:7-9, shall we? About God being angry.

"It is you alone who are to be feared.
    Who can stand before you when you are angry?
From heaven you pronounced judgment,
    and the land feared and was quiet--
when you, God, rose up to judge,
    to save all the afflicted of the land."

Wait wait wait a second there. "To save all the afflicted of the land"? God's punishment comes because people are doing bad things to other people? And God's anger is a good thing for those who are "afflicted"?

God's anger isn't toward everyone.

Well that makes a lot more sense. Celebrate!

Image source.

But wait wait wait.

Am I "the afflicted"? Is this actually a good thing for me?

Okay, so I'm a white American living in China. Everything's cheap- or is it that my salary is higher than everyone else's? At any rate, I'm not really "afflicted," but I probably pass "afflicted" people on the street every day.

And am I doing something to help others and make the world a better place, or am I just taking care of myself?

(I'm not even sure where to start. I'm in China, yo. I don't know how to "make the world a better place" in a foreign culture and stuff.)

But as Psalm 76 shows, God saves the afflicted and brings judgment on those who contribute to that affliction. God is angry- but my response is not to feel horribly guilty about my individual sin (perhaps the sin of "not reading the bible enough" or something to that effect). My response must be to work with God to help all of his sons and daughters who are afflicted.

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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 76. To read other people's posts, click here: When the Bible falls flat.

Blogaround

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1. Overcoming Stereotypes, One Study Room At A Time (posted October 4) "I just didn’t want to be mistaken for the mail guy, and was still young and stupid enough to believe that there was some kind of personal choice I could adopt that would make prejudiced white people treat me fairly."

2. MRC: 'Sweetness Of Cam And Mitchell' Makes Modern Family 'Dangerous' And Misleading (posted September 27) "It moved me like a good art is supposed to do. But that’s the problem. It moved me."

3. My Story: Questioning (posted September 30) "I felt sick. What was I doing? My parents were saying I couldn’t trust myself; maybe they were right. Maybe I was treading on dangerously thin ice. Another book, more ideas and I might become an atheist."

4. Why We Don't Need "Women's" Ministry (posted 2012) "I would like to do a Bible study that does not have pink or flowers on the cover."

5. This silly dog:

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6. And this picture, for the Star Trek fans:

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Have a good week!

Tiger (a story about how Chinese see the world)

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So hey, let's play charades! Your word is "tiger." How will you act it out?

I'm thinking something along the lines of prowling around like a big scary cat, but that's just me.

We played charades in one of my classes recently. (Important background information: I teach English in China.) The students were laughing and fooling around the entire time, and they loved it- even though some of them were pretty low-level and kept looking up the words on their phones. At one point, one student had to act out "run" so he ran across the classroom, and everyone was like "What? Do it again." They knew what it was- they just wanted to make him run around the classroom again. Sneaky.

But the part that stuck out the most to me is when I gave the word "tiger" to a student.

He held up three fingers, and laid them horizontally across his forehead. Then one more finger, vertically crossing all three of them in the middle.

Like this, with his fingers.

And the other students were all like "Tiger!"

And I bet most Americans would have no clue how in the world that's supposed to be a tiger.

That right there is the Chinese character 王 (wáng) and it means "king." And in China, apparently it's common knowledge that tigers have the character "王 (wáng)" on their foreheads.

So in this round of charades, the student was acting out something that had a 王 (wáng) on its forehead, and his classmates correctly guessed that it must be a tiger.

Crazy, isn't it? Crazy how different cultures can be. How amazing, how foreign, how incredibly different from the way my own language and culture has structured my brain. Here in China, for perhaps a billion people, one of the first things that comes to mind when they think of a tiger is that it should have a 王 (wáng) on its head.

Wow.

Tigers don't really have a 王 (wáng) on their heads. It's an example of how humans look for patterns in chaos. Here, take a look at some tigers:

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Okay you guys, this one definitely has 王 (wáng). Image source.

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Do you get it? Do you see the 王 (wáng)? The largest cat in the world- the king of the cats- he is marked with the Chinese character for "king."

Wild.