A Story About Bullying

A high school gym. Image source.

So here's a thing that happened to me in high school.

In gym class, we had a unit on volleyball. It was probably a few weeks long, and we were put into teams, and stayed with the same team for the whole unit. I was very bad at volleyball, and there was a girl on my team, let's call her Sylvia, who was always criticizing me for it.

Many times I would try to hit the ball and fail, or I would not hit it because I thought it was going out of bounds but then it didn't, and Sylvia would yell at me at tell me I'm doing such a bad job, and all that.

I'm writing about this because back then, I didn't know what she was doing was wrong. I thought, well, she's correct, I am bad at volleyball, that's an obvious fact. If I didn't want her to yell at me about it, I should stop messing up when trying to hit the ball. I thought it was my fault, and she was justified in constantly criticizing me.

But now I realize that it was wrong for her to do that. This was high school gym class, who cares if you're bad at it? What does it matter? It's not like it's a real sports competition. You are allowed to be bad at it, there's nothing wrong with that.

Another aspect that ties into this: On tv shows, there was a common narrative that went like this: Character A is mocking Character B for being bad at something. But then, it is revealed that Character B is actually really good at it! Wow! Everyone is impressed with Character B, and Character A feels so ashamed at how wrong they were for mocking Character B.

And we like to see that; we like to see bullies brought down and embarrassed for their behavior. But it also sends the message that the way to avoid being mocked is to prove them wrong. Character A was wrong to mock Character B because Character B is actually good at volleyball. If Character B was truly bad at it, well then Character A would be in the right.

I seem to remember that there was a "Bring Your Parent To School" Day, and my mom came with me to school. On that day, in gym class, I continued to be bad at volleyball, but Sylvia didn't say anything to me about it. Wow, fascinating. So she knew it was wrong for her to treat me that way, and that's why she didn't do it when my mom was there. Very interesting that Sylvia knew it was wrong, even though I didn't.

And now I'm thinking about it, and thinking "that was bullying," but, was it? When I think of bullying, I think of something that has long-term mental health consequences for the victim. I think of kids who are so unhappy that they refuse to go to school. I don't really think it had any bad effects on me. It was only during gym class- Sylvia wasn't in any of my other classes. And it was only for a few weeks, during the volleyball unit. So was it bullying? Yes, I think so- because we should define it based on her behavior, not the effect that it had on me. 

I just wanted to write about this because what she did was wrong- but I had no idea back then.

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Touch (part 2 of Autism & Teaching Kids to Protect Themselves)

Bullying, Beauty, And Plastic Surgery You Don't Need

Nadia Ilse, a 14-year-old girl, received $40,000 in free plastic surgery to get her ears pinned back and her nose and chin modified. Why? Well the simplest answer is because kids in school bullied her, but I think it goes much deeper than that.

Here and here are some links about this story.

There are so many problems I have with this; where do I start?

First of all, it would be the wrong response to read this story, look at the "before" photo, say "ah come on, there's nothing wrong with her, she looks fine" and conclude that she was wrong to get the surgery.

It's TRUE that there was nothing wrong with her. But if you go tell her some cliche about being beautiful, why should she believe you? Why should she believe you when bullies make her ashamed to walk around in public with her ears sticking out? Why should she believe you when the media is full of images of women with a certain body type, implying that those images are the ideal, and that a woman's worth is based on her appearance?

You can't solve this by giving girls some cliches about self-esteem or inner beauty or whatever. (See also: We CANNOT say "everyone is beautiful.") You need to address the culture that perpetuates these stupid sexist ideas about what women are "supposed" to look like.

So maybe in her situation, getting the surgery did make sense. I don't know. I don't know what level of bullying she was dealing with. But even if it was "the right decision", it's not supposed to be this way. People are not supposed to bully other people. Women are not supposed to hate their bodies. High-school kids are not supposed to be getting plastic surgery.

I don't know; maybe it was the right decision in her situation. But it shows something is terribly, terribly wrong with society.

Also: Does anyone actually think this a guaranteed solution to her bullying problem? Do you really think bullies operate on logic? And the reason she was bullied was simply "her ears are big" and now that that's not the case anymore, there will be no more bullying?

Right...

Perhaps the most disturbing is the idea that you should solve your problems by changing yourself to fit a stereotype, to fit what other people say you should be. Apparently the bullies were right- her ears WERE too big, and something needed to be done. And now that she's changed herself, things are much better. This is not okay.

This is not okay. And I hope Nadia can get away from that environment of bullying. I hope she can love her body. I hope she will learn to be strong and fight against all the illogical criticism of women's bodies. I hope she can follow her dreams without being held back by any of this garbage.