Blogaround

October 23-29, 2022 is Ace Week! Awesome! Image source.

1. The 2022 Ace Community Survey is now open! Go take the survey! Even if you aren't asexual, it still helps if you take it :)

2. The Unending Lies of Matt Walsh (October 21) Jessie Gender's 4-hour-long video responding to Matt Walsh's "What is a Woman?" documentary. And, wow, Jessie's video is extremely good. Matt Walsh has a lot of disgusting things to say about trans people and about women, and frankly he creeps me out. 

I remember years ago, when I first became aware of Walsh's blog... and it read to me like, take a Christian belief and then take it to such an extreme that it becomes heartless and shockingly offensive. I don't view him that way any more, though- I don't see anything Christian in it; I just see hate. 

Did he change and move farther from the Christianity I knew? Or did I change and can no longer imagine a Christianity compatible with that much hate?

3. Texas Woman Nearly Loses Her Life After Doctors Can't Legally Perform an Abortion: 'Their Hands Were Tied' (October 18) [content note: miscarriage, medical trauma, anti-choice politics] "'It was just so frustrating to be dealing with something so traumatic, and then just gamble with the outcome of Amanda's life unnecessarily,' says Josh."

4. Netflix & AI Discrimination (June 4) "Here’s why Netflix’s response is laughable.  I completely believe that Netflix’s algorithm is not based on race, gender, ethnicity, or orientation. I believe that they only use a member’s viewing history. But that doesn’t make it any better?"

5. Equality vs equity: An overanalysis (February 13) "Of all my complaints about this meme, my most significant is about its choice of words. On the surface level, the meme is educating us about the distinction between 'equality' and 'equity'. However, outside of the meme, that is not how the words are used."

6. I didn’t want a baby (June 27) This writer talks about her feelings about her abortion- how she felt various conflicting emotions, including sadness. 

I think this is a really important story to tell, because I feel like, in pro-choice discussions, it's like you have to say abortion is a great thing, and if you say it's a hard decision or something, then supposedly that cedes ground to "pro-life" people because they're going to jump on that and say "see, it's a HARD DECISION, that's why we need to force women to have unnecessary ultrasounds and a 24-hour waiting period and yell at them from the sidewalk, because they can't just make a HARD DECISION by themselves."

I'm pro-choice. But that doesn't mean I have to believe "abortion is always great and awesome" or whatever. I don't really think abortion is a good thing. (I think the medical technology that allows doctors to perform abortions in a safe way is a good thing! Laws that ensure that people have access to abortion care are a good thing!!!) But you know what else is also not a good thing? Pregnancy. Like, oh GEEZ, pregnancy is THE WORST. I did a whole pregnancy, and I hated it. But it was worth it for me because now I have a perfect child. But DAMNNN obviously no one should have to go through all that if they don't want to. And obviously the pregnant person is the only one who has full knowledge of the situation and is able to weigh the options and make the decision that is right for their situation.

I remember Dr. Parker's book "Life's Work" also talks about this- many of the women that come to him for abortions have complicated feelings about it. He says it's very normal that a woman knows that having an abortion is the right decision for her, but she still has feelings of caring about her "unborn baby." (But I feel like the pro-choice people on Twitter don't want you to say that, because then "pro-life" people are going to swoop in like "AHA, this is why we need to stop women from having abortions.") Women who have abortions aren't the stereotypes that get thrown around in political debates, like this stereotype of a foolish girl who was talked into it and doesn't know what's going on, or the stereotype of someone who says "it's just a clump of cells."

7. Billy Graham’s apology was a lie (October 25) "Billy Graham visited the Oval Office to talk to the president of the United States about the evil Jewish conspiracy that he believed had a 'stranglehold' on America."

8. One Of The 10 Hardest Puzzles We've Ever Seen (October 24) 1-hour-37-minute sudoku solve video. This is incredible.

9. Biden pushes crackdown on bank ‘junk fees’ that government says will save Americans $3 billion a year (October 27)

10. People of faith, Fox News grifter edition (October 11) "Nobody talks about people of politics, because the idea is inherently stupid. The idea of people of faith is similarly stupid — everybody is a person of faith, in the sense that everybody operates from axiomatic metaphysical priors, except for Richard Dawkins, who is just purely rational and objective all the way down to the last turtle — but of course 'people of faith' not really an idea per se, it’s just some idiotic slogan, meant to make conservative white Christians feel like they’re under some sort of constant massive cultural attack by the godless socialist woke hordes."

11. ‘Do They Even Read the Bible?’ — Why Exposing White Evangelical Hypocrisy is a Dead End (October 25) "But the White evangelical Bible isn’t simply a biblical text that speaks to its readers, it’s a complicated assemblage of social, political, and theological assumptions that determine in advance how that text speaks. The White evangelical Bible speaks for itself only after the reader makes arguments out of biblical allusions and citations that reinforce what the White evangelical already knows to be true." This is SPOT ON.

12. Trump’s Ties to Jerry Falwell Jr. and His Wife’s Creepy Pool Boy Sex Saga Revealed (October 26) [content note: Jerry Falwell Jr.'s sex life] "'I felt guilty,' Granda says in the film. 'I’m like, I know the truth about Jerry. He’s trying to appear like this strongman, but I know him as the cuck in the corner of the room.'"

13. The ace nerd (October 27) "It’s obvious that the nonsexual nerd is not 'for' ace nerds, and the writers are not interested in any real world intersection."

14. An Ace Reading of "When She Loved Me," Exploring the Drawbacks and Affordances of Nonhumanity (2021) "When friends get partners and suddenly disappear from our lives, we're told that we should've expected to be dropped eventually."

I know I mask, I don't know when - #TakeTheMaskOff

A person wearing a fluffy black mask. Image source.

During the months of July, August, and September, autistic bloggers are writing and tweeting about masking, with the hashtag #TakeTheMaskOff. This campaign was started by The Autistic Advocate, Neurodivergent Rebel, Agony Autie, and Do I Look Austistic Yet?

What is masking? Basically it's when autistic people pretend to not be autistic, in order to fit in. So in a sense it's necessary, we need to do it for survival, because if people notice we are autistic they might exclude/mistreat/abuse/bully us. But masking isn't really *good*- it means we're hiding our true selves, and it's exhausting to keep doing that all the time.

Here are some of the articles people have posted about #TakeTheMaskOff:

An Autistic Perspective - What is Autistic Masking? #TakeTheMaskOff

Autistic Burnout, “Regression,” and Identity Crisis – #TaketheMaskOff Week 4

#TakeTheMaskOff Week 1: What Is Masking?

When Masking Leads to Mental Health Misdiagnoses. #TakeTheMaskOff

So... I'm autistic, and I mask... Or rather, I know that I mask, but it's hard to think of examples, or estimate the extent of it, because it's just a thing I do subconsciously, I guess. I was diagnosed in my early 20's so I already had a whole 20 years of acting like a "normal person" and not knowing I was autistic. When I read about the concept of masking, intuitively it sounds like something I can very much relate to, but I'm not really able to specify exactly how.

So I'll go ahead and share a bunch of anecdotes from my life, which may or may not be examples of autistic masking. I don't know.

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From a young age, I was aware that the things my family talked about at home were "weird" and I couldn't talk like that to kids at school, or play with kids at school the same way I played with my sister. For example, one time when I was in elementary school, my sister and I cut open an empty cereal box so it was one big flat piece of cardboard, and drew a map on it. Then we pretended we were traveling around the different places on the map. I remember there was a mountain and some other different kinds of geography.

My parents said it was so great how creative we were, and I should take the map to school for show-and-tell. But I didn't want to; I thought the other kids would think it was "weird." Like that's not a "normal" game that kids play. But I did end up taking it to show-and-tell, and it went fine.

Another time in elementary school, our class did a "secret Santa", where we each were assigned a random classmate and at some point we had to secretly sneak a gift into their desk. Then at the end of the week, we had to make a card that revealed our identity to our secret gift recipient. My parents were like "you're so creative! you should make a card with a puzzle in it" because I actually did use to make cards with puzzles for my cousins or other family members- people I felt safe sharing my "weirdness" with. But I didn't want to bring a puzzle card to school- the other kids would think it was weird.

But I did end up making a pop-up card with a puzzle in it. As I recall, there were several different flaps you could lift, and under one of them was my name, revealing my identity to my secret-Santa target. I assumed we would be secretly, anonymously giving the cards to our classmates, but instead the teacher had us hand them to them in person, so it didn't work like I expected- my target would know it was me because I handed him the card, instead of by solving the puzzle and lifting the flaps in the card. And also when I gave it to him, one of the flaps ended up folded in the wrong direction, so the front of the card wasn't facing outward, and so it wasn't clear to him how he was supposed to read the card, and I was trying to show him and everyone was looking at me and I tried to explain it really fast because I felt embarrassed, why couldn't I just make a boring card like a normal person.

Now I have the confidence to pull that off and not be flustered by little minor things not going according to plan. I could totally make a pop-up card now and give it to any of my friends and be so proud of how cool it was. But back then, at 9 years old, I worried so much about being good and following the rules, and I was so scared of people looking at me like they didn't know what I was talking about.

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I remember one time, probably in my early 20's, when I was talking to my family, I mentioned how "some things we're not allowed to do because they're too awesome." And somebody was like, wait wait wait what do you mean by that? But that's how I really felt, and I assumed other people felt the same way- as if there was some Law of the Universe that says we really shouldn't do things that are really really awesome.

Maybe because all my life I felt like I had to hide my obsessive nerdy interests. Maybe because there were a lot of times where I suggested some INCREDIBLY COOL idea and people responded with, uh, not the enthusiasm one would expect for such a cool idea... and I assumed they were hesitant over the fact that it would just be too much fun. Like, it was easier to believe there was a rule against things that are too awesome, than to believe people were actually legitimately not interested in my AWESOME suggestions.

At any rate, I learned that it's not socially acceptable for me to show that much enthusiasm for those things.

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In high school I made the decision to stop trying to be a "normal person" and identify as a nerd instead. This was a really really big important decision, and it was really good for me. Before this, I was trying to walk a fine line... feeling like I should wear makeup and shave my legs because that's what high school girls are supposed to do, even though it all seemed like a giant waste of time... showing off that I was the best in math class but feeling uncomfortable when my classmates looked at me like a genius freak... I decided I didn't have to do any of that any more, because there was a social category called "nerd" and I could be that and it would be acceptable.

It was really good for me, but at the same time, it put limits on how femme my gender expression could be. I thought nerd girls shouldn't look too feminine. If I wore pretty things, people would think I wasn't a nerd. (This is internalized sexism.)

In college I decided that since everybody knew I was an engineering major, I could dress more feminine without hurting my nerd cred. And a few years later, I quit believing in "modesty" so now I want to wear all sorts of "immodest" clothes to make up for lost time. Basically I'm now confident in my identity as a nerd and as a woman and I wear whatever I want.

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In middle school I bought orange pants. At the store I was so happy with them because I love bright colors. But then, at home, reality set in- I can't wear these to school. Because nobody else wears orange pants. Everyone is going to look at me and think I'm weird.

I think that happened to me several times- where I would pick out something so cool at the store, forgetting that I "couldn't" wear it to school because it was, ahem, too awesome.

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Normally, I have to filter what I say so it fits the format of what the person I'm talking to would expect to hear. But sometimes, when someone asks me a very open question about how I really feel about something... I fall for it. I tell them how I really feel, without first curating it into the kind of answer they were expecting. And they take it the wrong way.

Like the first year of middle school, when each of us students had to meet with the school guidance counselors so they could see how we're doing with the transition from elementary school to middle school. He asked me what I've noticed that's different from elementary school.

Such an open question, right? About how I feel. You'd think there's no "wrong answer." And actually, I did have an answer. See, in the first week of classes, I had noticed that every single one of my teachers said they don't accept late homework. Wow, interesting, right- every single one! Whereas in elementary school, the teachers generally had a policy about how if it's late 1 day you lose 10% of the grade, etc. What a fascinating pattern middle-school Perfect Number discovered! Let us speculate as to the reasons why this might be the case. Like, I can understand in general they want us to be more responsible in middle school, but would that really account for LITERALLY ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of my teachers saying they don't accept late work? Is there some other factor at play besides a vague sense of "kids are old enough to take responsibility for their homework"? What a cool thing to wonder about.

So I told the guidance counselor, "teachers here don't accept late work" and he was like ".................... do you .... usually hand in late work?" He took it completely the wrong way. Because, see here's the thing: He asked what is different about middle school and elementary school, but that's not what he actually wanted to know. He wanted to know what was different and affected my life. Ugh, but I thought since he asked such a broad open question about how I felt, I thought I could really tell him how I felt. I thought it meant he was willing to indulge with my esoteric wonderings about the reasons behind trends in homework policies, so that's what I answered. Instead of the usual filtering I do so it's an answer in the genre that the other person would expect to hear. I always fall for that.

Another time, I was at a job interview for a summer internship during college... yeah, interviewers always come across like they just want to get to know me, like they're so open and ready to listen to whatever I say- so I have fallen for this problem A LOT during job interviews. (It took me A LONG TIME to realize job interviews aren't about answering the questions correctly; they're about presenting myself as a person that one would want to offer a job to.)

Anyway, the interviewer asked me to tell about one of my strengths and, as it happened, I had recently been thinking about how I'm really really good at picking just the right word when I'm writing something. Like, uh, I don't even know how to describe this ability that I'm SO PROUD OF- it's not being good at communicating, it's more like, I have such a good grasp of English vocabulary and, like... using a word... I ... haha well it's quite funny how I'm not even able to really describe what I mean about my supposed ability to perfectly describe what I mean... uhhhh I'll just say it doesn't work 100% of the time... But anyway, you know how job interviewers look at you like they genuinely want to listen and understand you- it made me feel like I could really tell him whatever bizarre thing came to my mind. And there I am, trying to explain my uh, ability to choose the exact right English word... ugh yeah I wish somebody had told me that's not what you're supposed to do in a job interview. You're not supposed to just answer the questions; you're supposed to tell them why you are the kind of person they want for that particular job.

And another example: A few years ago I was seeing a psychologist for depression, and I later I ended up needing a copy of my medical records, so the psychologist sent me the notes he had taken during our appointments. And I read some of them, and ... a lot of things he wrote down were like, a slight misinterpretation of what I said. Like... you know, you're at a therapy appointment and it's all about you, the doctor just wants to ask you about how you feel and they're so open and ready to listen and, ugh, I fell for it. I told him how I really felt, unfiltered, and he misunderstood a bunch of things because I skipped the adaptation processes I usually do to get my thoughts into a format that other people will *get*.

The therapy was still really good and helped me get rid of depression; I don't think the slight misunderstandings led to any problems. But it made me realize, ah crap, in the future I'm gonna have to filter myself when I'm talking to doctors.

Gotta make sure I remind myself of that; otherwise I'll fall for it again.

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And, related to that, there have been times when I told someone something really deep and emotional, but when they didn't get it, I just passed it off as a joke. Usually related to sensory pain. Something along the lines of "isn't it terrible how people [something that causes me extreme sensory pain]?"

And then people tell me I have a great sense of humor. And I don't know what to do with that.

Well, back then I didn't know that other people experience sensory stimuli different from me, and what I'm feeling is ACTUAL PAIN and it's RIGHT for me to take steps to protect myself even if no one else is bothered.

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Back when I was in grad school, I got sick, and I ended up having surgery to have my gall bladder removed. Even though the surgery helped me feel a lot better, I still felt nauseous every day, and it was hard to find food I could eat that wouldn't make me feel sick.

Pretty soon after that, I was diagnosed with autism. And I remember back then, how my health problems made me feel so autistic, if that makes sense. Because suddenly, because of my stomach problems, I knew that "regular people" rules didn't apply to me and I would have to make my own decisions about what I needed, and I just had no idea how to do that. Like if I was out somewhere and felt really nauseous, I could make the decision to leave and go home and lay down- even if it wasn't really "socially acceptable", it was an okay thing to do because I was sick and wouldn't it be much more "socially unacceptable" to throw up in public. If people gave me food, I didn't have to eat it- even though the rules of politeness dictate that you must at least eat a little bit, if someone gives you food. But because I was having stomach problems, I was free to break those rules, and it was all my decision, nobody else is able to tell me how nauseous I feel.

Basically, I realized that my whole life I had always tried to do what other people do and trust that I would be okay, instead of actually paying attention to my needs. A lot of times, I didn't feel safe- like when I was in an environment with bad sensory stimuli. Or I didn't understand how to talk to people, so I just tried to learn the rules and fit in. But when I had stomach problems, I knew that I couldn't do that- couldn't just do what other people do and trust that I would be okay. I had to know my own needs and make my own decisions about what I could or couldn't handle. Maybe it was the first time I ever thought in those terms.

But I say "I felt so autistic" because without the "normal people rules" I had no idea how to act, and I felt so lost. I remember at one point I went to an amusement park with some friends and I didn't ride most of the rides, which is fine, except for that bit where I was just stuck there, just staring at a ride and totally unable to make a decision, just NO IDEA if it would make me feel sick or not, and feeling so lost and confused and anxious because I didn't know how to make a decision.

I didn't know how to take care of myself. My whole life I just copied other people, even when that meant I had to tolerate things that hurt me because I'm autistic.

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I'm white and I live in China now, and maybe that means I don't have to mask as much because if I come across as "weird", people will just assume it's a cultural difference.

Maybe it's been good for me to be in a situation where it's obvious that I'm learning a foreign culture, so people help me out when I'm confused and don't really judge me for it. Whereas, in the US, as an autistic person I was also "learning a foreign culture", in a sense- trying to figure out the social rules for how to interact with people. In my own country, I'm expected to just *get* it automatically, but here I'm not.

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Last week at work there was a loud sound- I think someone dropped a heavy box on the floor or something. And I didn't cover my ears, because the first thought that went through my mind was "I don't want them to know I'm autistic."

But there have been other times at work when I've communicated about my sensory needs related to sound (ie, loud sounds are painful for me so I need to avoid them). Fortunately it's not that much of an issue, sounds loud enough to be painful are pretty rare, but it is a big deal that I now believe I have the right to take care of my needs related to this, instead of just pretending to be "normal." I don't tell people I'm autistic; I only tell them whatever practical things they need to know about my sensory needs. That's all. The rest of my autistic traits they don't need to know.

But nowadays, I usually do cover my ears if I think there's going to be a loud sound. It makes a huge difference- if I cover my ears, I can still hear pretty much everything, but it won't be painful. And I reassure myself that I'm allowed to do that. Because when I was a little kid, adults told me I shouldn't cover my ears, that I was "overreacting" and the sound "isn't that bad." And I still feel guilt... I feel like I am being bad when I protect myself from sensory pain instead of pretending to be "normal."

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So. There you have it, a bunch of stories from my life that might be examples of autistic masking. Intuitively, I feel like masking is something I do all the time, but it's hard to know how much of an effect it has on me because this is just my normal life and I don't have any other standard to compare with.

I guess I am pretty good at masking and that's why I was undiagnosed for so long. But being good at masking didn't mean I was okay, even though to other people I might seem okay. Finding out I'm autistic and finding people putting words to these experiences has been really really good for me.

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Related:
How Are Autistics Supposed To Know Which of Our Pain is Socially Acceptable To Express?

It wasn't just merit

Three children doing arithmetic problems on a blackboard. Image source.

I'd like to talk about my experiences in school- specifically, what it was like being a girl who excelled in math and science. In the past, I thought I did it all on my own merit- I wasn't held back by sexism in grades K-12. And yes, that's partly true. Sexism didn't affect my success in math/science in any meaningful way back then. But. That doesn't mean it was all my own merit. I now see that, all along the way, my parents and teachers encouraged me and shaped my expectations of what I could do. I was in an environment which pushed me to follow my passions and didn't think there was anything weird about a girl being good at those things. But I now see so many places where there could have been sexism or other types of discrimination, places where I could have subconsciously internalized the idea that participating in math contests is just not the sort of thing that I do.

My parents both have backgrounds related to computers and engineering. So they were happy to teach me all about science. In kindergarten, I was fascinated by the planets in the solar system, and my parents told me all about them. Throughout my childhood, they bought me science kits and books full of logic problems, because I loved that stuff. They told me it was so great that I was interested in science.

Actually, I liked art class the most, back in elementary school. But my mom and dad aren't interested in making arts or crafts, so they didn't really have the ability to encourage me in art to the extent that they encouraged me in math and science. They bought me all the art supplies and craft kits I asked for, but because they weren't personally interested in it, there wasn't the same "wow it's fantastic that you're good at this" that there was for science-y things. And that's not their fault, but my point is that I was raised to value math and science much more highly than other subjects. It was probably unintentional- I know my parents would support me no matter what job I decided on- but at the same time, I don't really see a way for parents to avoid passing that kind of bias to their kids. It seems like, if you have parents who are good at a certain thing, you'll naturally end up believing that it's "normal" to value that particular thing. I can imagine there are kids who would be good at some certain activity, but because no adults in their life do that activity, it never really occurs to them to do it.

My parents told me "you're good at math and science- you should totally be an engineer!" and guess what, I'm an engineer now. And yes, of course I love it, I wouldn't want to do any other job, but I wonder how much that choice was influenced by the idea that "kids like you, who are good at math and science, should become engineers when they grow up"- because that's pretty much what I was taught. That's what I always thought I was "supposed" to do.

In high school I discovered contest math. Well, actually, those of us in the upper-level math classes were required to participate in math league. We had to attend 3 math league meets per year. My 9th grade math teacher told us that math league questions were so hard and hardly anybody ever gets any points. She framed it as something that we had to do, but nobody really has fun or is successful at it. I went to the first math league meet of the year and scored a bunch of points- I don't remember the exact number, maybe 10 out of a possible 18. Which is way above average (the questions are hard, but it turns out I'm a math genius).

The next day, my math teacher was like, "So who went to the math league meet last night? ... So... did anybody get any points?" and I told her how many, and she was shocked and I was kind of embarrassed, like I was freakishly good at it and I was weird.

So that's how it was my freshman year of high school. I went to exactly 3 math league meets (the bare minimum that was required), did really well, but it never occurred to me "wow I am really good at this and I really like solving these types of problems- maybe I should go to more than 3 meets." Because my 9th grade math teacher had set the expectation that math league isn't something people are actually interested in, and the other kids complained about how hard the questions were.

In 10th grade, I thought I would just do the same thing. I attended the first 3 meets of the year, thinking then I'd be done and wouldn't have to worry about it for the rest of the school year. At the third meet, I got 18 points. Out of 18. Pretty amazing- it was very rare that anyone in our school got 18 points. Still, I considered myself done with math league. Until the day that all the different clubs at school were having their photos taken for the yearbook, and when I got there for the math league picture, the head of the math department was like "where is Perfect Number?" and handed me the trophy that our school had won at that third meet, and I had to hold it, front and center, in the yearbook photo.

And then I kind of felt like, well I'm holding the trophy in the yearbook photo, I guess I can't just quit math league now.

So I went to every meet that year, and I found the other kids who were actually interested in math league. I qualified to go to the state math league competition, and it was great. Nerds everywhere! I loved it. I had finally found my people.

After the state math league meet, our coach gave everyone an application for the national math league meet. (Yes, math league teams have coaches. Also we sometimes referred to ourselves as "mathletes." Because of course we did. Also, fun fact: A group of nerds is called a nerd herd.) My parents were like "are you going to apply for it?" and I said no. They wanted to know why not. Eh, it just didn't seem like the kind of thing I would do. I wasn't really the kind of person who filled out applications or attended national competitions. Just seemed kind of weird.

My parents were like "but you had such a good time at the state math league contest" and I realized I didn't have any good reason not to go to the national one. I had just thought it didn't seem like the sort of thing I do, but there was really no basis for that belief.

So I filled out the application. I made the team. My mom told me I had to write a letter to my school and ask them to cover the costs for me to go on the trip. Did that. Did more math. Had a great time.

And after it was established that I was a huge math nerd and that I was totally the type of person who missed school to attend math competitions in other states, I started pursuing them more and more. I found so many different math contests. I met other math nerds online. I took the USAMO.

But I see now that raw talent alone was not what allowed me to participate in those contests. It was adults telling me "you're really good at math, therefore you should participate in this optional contest"- and sometimes they needed to convince me because I just had never thought of myself as the type of person who did that sort of thing. It wasn't enough to have the ability- I also needed to have an understanding of my own identity that included being a math nerd and/or math genius. And let me tell you, it was a big step when I decided I was a math nerd, back in high school. Before, I felt social pressure to "be normal"- straighten my hair, shave my legs, put on makeup, don't wear t-shirts all the time- basically to meet society's standards of what high school girls should look like. I didn't want to (it seemed like a lot of work with no real purpose), but I felt like everyone was judging me. (They probably weren't, I was just insecure. You know how high school is.) When I decided I was a nerd, it meant I could stop trying to meet society's standards of what "normal" looks like- I could stop trying to be someone I'm not. And most importantly, I no longer had to hide my math skills. I no longer felt embarrassed for being freakishly smart. (I definitely had to deal with sexism for this aspect- I've written before about how presenting in a more feminine way would make me "look like" I wasn't as much of a math nerd, and it wasn't until college that I decided I could be cute and feminine like I wanted, without calling my nerdiness or math skills into question.)

And I started applying for colleges. Because my parents taught me that everyone is supposed to go to college, that's normal, that's what we do. I always knew I was going to go to college and major in engineering- the only choice was which college. What if I had been raised in an environment where going to college wasn't seen as "normal"? Would I have been able to recognize that it would be a really good thing for me and that I was capable of doing it?

I went to a well-ranked engineering school, and a lot of my classmates were planning to get Phds. Many of them had known for their whole lives that they wanted to get a Phd. I never even considered it. My parents don't have Phds, and there was never really anything that prompted me to ask "I wonder if it would be good for me to get a Phd." I thought "normal" was you go to college for 4 years and then you're done with school. That's what I had been expecting my whole life.

I remember some of the other students did co-ops- which meant working at a company for one semester, instead of taking classes. I never even considered doing a co-op because I just didn't get it. Like, the way life is supposed to work is you go to college for four years, and then after that, you get a job. Right? Taking a semester off to do a co-op (or study abroad) didn't fit into my idea of "normal," so I never even thought "hey is that something I would want to do?" And nobody ever sat me down and specifically addressed my not-getting-it and explained that no, my ideas about "how life is supposed to work" weren't necessarily true. Maybe I wouldn't have been able to do a co-op anyway because I was double-majoring and it wouldn't have been possible to take no classes for a whole semester. Maybe. Who knows? The opportunity was there, but I never even looked into whether it could be a good thing for me, because it didn't fit into my assumptions about how life is supposed to work.

My advisor talked me into getting a masters degree. The school had one of those programs where you can take some grad-level classes while you're an undergrad and then finish the masters degree after only 1 extra year. I wasn't interested at first, because I had always figured I would do 4 years of college and be done. Why would I want to do something different than that? Isn't that the "normal" thing people are "supposed" to do? But my advisor was a really really big fan of the school's MS program. He was really persistent- he talked a lot of us into it. I finally decided it was a good deal, and that's how I got my masters degree in electrical engineering. (Which, actually, is a really good thing for me. As it turns out, there's a big difference between "I have a degree in electrical engineering" and "I have a degree in electrical engineering and my thesis was on this one specific aspect of robotics" in a job interview.)

And let me tell you about when I started studying Chinese. So I'm like, hey I'm going on this mission trip to China, so I should learn how to say some things I guess. But my entire life I had heard people saying "I tried to study this foreign language, but... it turns out my brain just can't learn languages." A LOT of Americans say stuff like that. As if speaking two languages is so unbelievable and superhuman, us mere mortals can't expect we can actually do it. (Oddly, though, I never heard anyone say we shouldn't expect immigrants to learn English because "maybe some of them just can't learn languages.")

So I started studying Chinese, with the belief that maybe no matter how hard I study, I won't ever be able to speak Chinese, because white people just can't, it's way too hard. I heard people say that if you're not exposed to the sounds of a different language as a baby, then you just can't learn it. What a bunch of nonsense.

However, I did know one white missionary who was able to speak Chinese. He was the proof that it could be possible.

And even when I started learning how to say a few sentences, I didn't try to learn the characters, because wow how can anyone learn all those? I actually was skeptical over whether Chinese people really do read and write in Chinese characters- it just seemed so impossible. (Umm, they do.) I didn't even try at first- I thought "well I'll just be illiterate." Surely white people can't really learn to read Chinese characters.

And then I started taking an actual Chinese class in college and guess what, when we learned vocabulary words, we learned to write them in Chinese characters because OBVIOUSLY that's part of what it means to learn a vocabulary word. There was no talk of "but maybe it's too hard and impossible to actually learn to write Chinese." The professor expected us to read and write. Because, OBVIOUSLY.

So please don't go around telling people "Chinese is the hardest language in the world", or that it's unfathomably astounding that someone can speak two languages, or that it's very common that people "just can't" no matter how hard they try, or any crap like that. I really believe that these myths stop a lot of Americans from even trying to learn a second language, even though they totally do have the ability. Yes, it's hard- but it's not so hard that it's pointless to even try.

And by the way, I now speak Chinese fluently, can read and write Chinese characters, and I'm still as white as ever.

It's all about your beliefs and expectations about whether or not you're able to do something, internalized from society and role models in your life before you even try to do the thing.

Of course I worked hard. Of course I have the natural ability to excel in math and engineering. But that's not enough. I also needed adults and role models in my life to tell me which direction I should work hard in. I needed people who said "you're good at this, how about you take this opportunity, I bet you would really like it." And fortunately I had those people in my life. I'm not aware of any parents or teachers who didn't encourage me because I'm a girl. But now I see many places where that could have happened, and probably does happen for other girls. (Or really any demographic that's not "expected" to be good at math and science.) I can now see how there were so many ideas I internalized about what's "normal" and what sorts of things I would or would not be involved in, about my identity, really. I always knew that I was the type of person who would go to college. But I didn't think I was the type of person who would get involved in contest math until my parents explicitly pointed out to me "hey you enjoyed doing that one contest, how about you do more?" It's not about talent alone- I see so many ways that sexism, racism, and other forms of bigotry can influence kids, make them internalize messages about what they should or shouldn't try.

One more thing I will say: Back in middle school and high school, I often heard adults make comments about how it's great that I like math because "we need more girls in math" or "isn't it nice to see a girl winning the math award." And I hated it because for me, there wasn't any sexism that discouraged me from succeeding in math and science class (at least in grades K-12, where all the grading is objective). It felt like they were saying I had overcome something internal, as if femininity was an obstacle I had to defeat in order to be a math genius, instead of just "I am a math genius and being an girl really has nothing to do with it." Really, if you want to bring gender into it, it's not about what I did, it's about what society didn't do. Society often discourages girls from pursuing math and science, but in my case, society did no such thing (at least at that age). Good for you, society!

When kids are that young, they're not really able to question and reject the expectations that society puts on them. If there is sexism or other prejudice that tries to hold them back, they won't recognize it as incorrect and fight against it unless an adult in their life tells them they should. How can a kid know that "people of this certain demographic don't do this certain thing" is a factually incorrect statement? They're not born with an innate understanding of reality; they're learning everything from scratch based on what adults teach them. So don't go and tell the girl "it's great you're doing this because we need more girls in math"- no, tell that to the parents and the teachers. Tell them good job not being sexist, good job recognizing students' natural talent and encouraging them in that direction. When kids are that young, they're not the ones overcoming sexism. They're just doing what their parents and teachers expect and encourage them to do. (Or at least, this was my experience- if yours was different, go ahead and leave a comment.)

It takes more than just skill and hard work. Kids also need access to education and opportunities. But it's more than that too. They need people to tell them "you are good at this, therefore you are totally the kind of person who should choose to take this opportunity, it will be really good for you." Otherwise they might believe the stereotypes and not even realize they have the ability to excel.

Blogaround

Four golden retrievers. Image source.

1. Break the Cycle: Spiritual Abuse and the Conversion of Children (posted September 1) "We discover that Jimmy has never asked Jesus into his heart. My heart pounding, I convince Jimmy to let me lead him through the sinner’s prayer. I feel both very uncomfortable and somehow accomplished. By this time, most nights I don’t lie awake crying, repeating the sinner’s prayer over and over in a state of severe anxiety."

2. Florida Demands Parents Call Their Kids "Limited" or Lose Health Care (posted August 28) "We should never have had to justify services by listening to others denigrate our son."

3. The ugly ingratitude of the ‘Nashville Statement’ (posted August 31) "But Paul wasn’t having it. He insisted it was wrong to “trouble” and “unsettle” these uncircumcised believers by telling them that they would have to first become something else in order to follow Jesus."

4. The Adorkable Misogyny of The Big Bang Theory (posted August 31) Well full disclosure, I really like "The Big Bang Theory," but this video is absolutely right. The sexism in this show is very bad and as a nerd girl I really hate it. In the first few seasons of "The Big Bang Theory," Raj "can't talk to girls"- which meant he literally was unable to speak in the presence of a woman- and this was presented like "oh look how pathetic he is," as if it was something that mostly affected his love life or lack thereof. COME ON. Women are not just potential romantic partners. If you can't even speak to half the people you encounter, that's just unacceptable at school, at work, or in any other setting where people talk to each other. (Reminds me of the "Billy Graham rule.") Also I hate all the jokes about how nerds can't get a girlfriend. Like when Sheldon is making his youtube series about flags and brings in his girlfriend to prove to all the doubters in the comment section that she really is real- because a nerd boy having a girlfriend is apparently something unbelievable. Or when Penny is signing autographs at some nerdy convention and the nerd boys who come and ask for her autograph don't believe that Leonard is really her husband, because how could a man like him ever get a woman as hot as her? Both Penny and Leonard have to tell the fans repeatedly that it's true, he really is her husband- and then a giant group of nerd boys gathers around to hear the tale of how on earth that could be possible. (And to learn how they can achieve the same result.) It's disgusting because it says that women and nerds are completely separate and it's unimaginable that they would ever have anything in common. It erases the existence of nerd girls. (And I hate how in the first few seasons of "The Big Bang Theory", none of the main characters were nerd girls.)

5. Harvey Is What Climate Change Looks Like (posted August 28)

6. And also I started a Patreon a month ago~ so if you've benefited from reading my blog and you're able to support, that would be great! Thanks~~~

The "Groom's Cake" Tradition is So Sexist

Enterprise cake. (Star Trek.) Image source.

From the moment I heard about the "groom's cake" tradition, I hated it.

Basically here's how the tradition goes: At the wedding, there's a second wedding cake, called a "groom's cake." They are often decorated according to the groom's interests and hobbies- go ahead and look on Google Images for some examples. Common themes include sports teams, video games, and Batman.

Yeah, not cool.

Because if the second cake is a "groom's cake", then what's the regular wedding cake? The bride's cake? This plays right into the cultural expectation that women have tons and tons of detailed opinions about EXACTLY how their wedding should be, and women are good at planning weddings, and men don't really care and don't have a responsibility to be involved. As if the wedding belongs to the bride, and the groom just kind of goes along with it.

I hate that stereotype. A wedding is for a couple. The wedding belongs to both the bride and groom, and the wedding cake belongs to both the bride and groom. (Note: I'm specifically talking about a wedding between opposite-sex partners, but don't forget that same-sex weddings exist too! And non-binary people exist!) Hendrix and I have talked about the cake design we want, and agreed on it. It's not "my" cake, it's our cake.

But here's the thing I hate the most about the "groom's cake" tradition: The "groom's cake" gets to be AWESOME. Like, seriously, look at those images on google. Cakes shaped like all sorts of colorful, fun, nerdy things. I love that! But if you call it a "groom's cake," you're saying I'm not allowed to have a cake like that, because I'm a woman.

If the regular wedding cake is the "bride's cake," that means that, if you're a woman, you're only allowed to have a cake that looks like what society expects a wedding cake to look like. White, layers, frosting piped like lace or flowers. You'll probably have people criticizing you if you have a cake that doesn't look wedding-y enough, or even claiming that it's just not allowed to have your wedding cake be Batman-themed, with no white, layered cake anywhere to be found at your wedding. I can easily imagine parents or relatives being like "well that's a nice idea, but not for a wedding cake."

As a nerd girl, this "groom's cake" nonsense is particularly hurtful to me, because I've had to spend so much effort purposely avoiding "feminine" interests, out of concern that people will see me as some kind of girly stereotype, and won't think I'm a nerd. The "groom's cake" tradition says that only grooms are interested in nerdy things; that brides certainly aren't nerdy enough to want a Star Trek cake instead of a white cake. This is not okay.

If you're a bride, your cake needs to look like what people think a wedding cake should look like. If you're a groom, your cake can be AWESOME. The whole "groom's cake" tradition says that women have to fit some feminine stereotype, and men get to be real people with unique interests. That's so sexist. We are NOT doing that.

I Do Care About the Invitations

Wedding invitations. Mine look way better than these. Image source.

Here's something exciting: my mom and I ordered the wedding invitations! They are super cute.

So basically here's how it happened: I was browsing around online for invitations, and I found a design I really liked. It was about $200 for a set of them. Later I thought, well maybe I can find some that are cheaper than that. So I went back to the invitation website and set filters so it would only return results that were in the lowest price range. But I didn't like those ones as much.

It makes sense, right- the prettier ones will be more expensive. You're paying for the artists' and designers' work, and it takes time for them to make something that looks really good.

But is it okay to choose to pay extra just to get something pretty?

I kind of felt like it wasn't. For two reasons:

1. That's kind of more "feminine" that I want to be.

So there's this stereotype that women are all into decorating and making things pretty and planning out all the cute little details of weddings, and men don't care. From the time I was little, I didn't really want to be seen as "feminine" [even though I'm a woman] because then I wouldn't "look like" I was good at math and science. Wearing cute clothes would take away from my nerd cred.

It was internalized sexism. I did buy into the idea that the more "girly" someone looks, the less talent she has in STEM. Sure, girls can be good at math and science- of course they can! (I would get very angry at anyone who suggested otherwise.) But if they are good at those things, their appearance will be less "girly" and more "nerdy." Glasses, t-shirts, long hair that they never styled. No cute dresses, no revealing tank tops, no high heels, little or no makeup.

So when I was in high school, my identity as a math nerd was very important to me, and therefore I stayed away from interests that are seen as more "feminine." In college I decided I could embrace my "feminine" side more, that I could like pink and wear cute things and it didn't make me any less of a math nerd.

But apparently I still have this idea that I'm not into things that "girls" are into. In a lot of cases, this "I'm not like other girls" attitude is a form of internalized sexism- and I think that's at least partly true for me. Theoretically, I should just like the things that I like and not care about if society says they are "girl things" or "boy things"- but in reality, I find that I don't want to be interested in certain things, because there are lots of gender-related stereotypes attached to them.

Basically, society has certain ideas about what a girl who prefers to spend more money on pretty invitations is like. Those ideas are not true about me, and my reflex reaction is to pretend I don't care about the prettiness of the invitations- in other words, to agree that the stereotype is true and then deny part of whom I am. But that's so messed-up. I like the prettier invitations and I think it could be worth it to spend extra money on them. But just based on that, you can't assume other things about my personality. It doesn't mean I'm "shallow" or "high-maintenance" or whatever.

(I'm finding I actually do care about many different "pretty" aspects of the wedding, but I want to pretend I don't care. So... yeah...)

Challenge the stereotype. There's nothing wrong with liking things that are seen as "feminine." It doesn't limit who you are as a person.

2. Is it immoral?

I used to believe in a Christianity that said my desires don't matter. The less-pretty invitations are perfectly fine, they tell the guests when and where the wedding is, and that's the only thing invitations need to do. If I want to buy more expensive ones, just because I like them, well, that's selfish. I want to spend money just to make myself happy- that's SO not okay, not in the Christianity I learned.

For the past few weeks, we've been talking about radical Christian missions here on the blog. This ideology teaches that, because some people in the world don't have food and water, it's wrong for me to spend any money on myself, beyond the bare minimum needed to survive. It would be immoral- very, very immoral- to pay extra to get prettier invitations, when that money could have gone to feed a starving child somewhere.

I don't believe that anymore. I don't believe it's wrong to spend money just for the sake of making ourselves happy. My happiness matters. And it's so incredibly unhealthy to live in a constant state of guilt over the fact that I have nice things. It's okay not to deny myself. Yes, I should donate money to help other people, because I'm able to- but I don't have to donate ALL the money I possibly can. It's okay to make myself happy.

-------------

So anyway. I should tell you that my parents are paying for the wedding, so actually it was my mom making the decision about getting pretty vs cheap invitations. She seems to be of the opinion that it's not a big deal to pay a little extra- she wants me to have the ones that I like. (Aww isn't that nice?) So that's what we did. If I were paying for it, though, I'd have to think about whether it would be better to save that money for future living expenses. Not because it's immoral to spend money on myself, but because I might be better off spending it on myself in a different way in the future.

It's okay to care about pretty things. It's okay to have interests and desires that society reads as "girly." That doesn't make me illogical (y'all know I want to be a Vulcan)- my emotions are real, and it's logical to take actions to satisfy those desires. My happiness matters and is worth spending money on.

Shanghai Comic Con

Shanghai Comic Con was held on November 5-6, and it was so cool! This was my first time going to a comic con. I totally loved it! Please enjoy my photos:

Superman (超人 chāo rén) and Batman (蝙蝠侠 biān fú xiá) books in Chinese.

There was a cosplay competition.

I loved seeing so many people in costume. And it was really cool how people would just go up and talk to each other, say things like "wow you look so cool" and "can I take a photo with you?" As if we're all already friends because we are fans of these characters. There was one guy- who I had never met before- that I called "Obi-Wan" as if that was his name and we totally knew each other because, well, he was Obi-Wan.

And if you see someone dressed as a character from the same movie that your own costume is from, you don't even have to say anything. Excited pointing is enough to communicate "YOU LOOK SO COOL AND WE SIMPLY MUST TAKE A PICTURE TOGETHER." That crosses language barriers. I speak Chinese and English, but if I didn't, there still would not have been any trouble communicating that.

Nathan Fillion was the big special guest.

Nick Wild cosplay (from "Zootopia"). I love this.

Jedi Spiderman and Sith Deadpool.

There were tons and tons of these Avengers statues.

A Spock and a Harley Quinn.

This tiger is a really cool robot that's used for some TV show- Game of Thrones, I think? All different parts of its face can be moved by remote control.

Such a cool environment to be in. People were all admiring each other's costumes, and so many different characters were represented. (The costume I saw the most, by far, was Deadpool. Second place was Harley Quinn.)

(So there's a feeling of closeness with strangers because you like the same characters, but, it's not really real, obviously. I didn't have any conversations that went deeper than "wow I really love your costume/hair/ears, can I take a picture?")

Cosplay competition.

Magneto cosplay.

The Winter Soldier Lego cosplay.

Also, I'd like to talk about the ratios of men and women I saw at Comic Con. I didn't actually count, this is just based on my overall impression, so it might not be accurate, but here it is: It seemed like about an equal number of men and women attending Comic Con, but among those wearing costumes, there was a greater number of women. Specifically, I saw tons of women dressed up as male characters- Deadpool, Harry Potter, Spock, Thor, etc. (Probably because, in comics and sci-fi movies in general, there are way more male characters than female characters, but in real life- and among fans- it's a 50/50 ratio.) Among random people walking around in costumes, there seemed to be more women. But in the cosplay competition itself- these are the people that are super-serious and spend hundreds and hundreds of hours creating their outfits- it was about an equal number of men and women. (With more men in the "armor" category and more women in the "needlework" category.)

I wonder what kind of gender ratios comic cons typically have. (Again, I didn't actually keep detailed statistics, so it's possible I'm wrong about those ratios.)

And I noticed the English ability of comic con attendees was much higher than the average for Chinese people in this age group. A lot of random strangers talked to me in English, and it was good English, not "I haven't used this since high school and I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing it right" English. At the panels I went to, many of the speakers were from the US and there was a translator to translate between audience questions and panelists' answers- but actually, most of the Chinese audience members who asked questions asked in English. (And then the translator would be like "okay can you also say it in Chinese" so the whole audience would know what the question was. Lol. Translator doesn't want to do any more work than he has to.) At the cosplay competition, the host (the Asian woman you see in the photos) mostly spoke in English- she's not from China but she can speak some Chinese- and then the other guy with her translated to Chinese.

It makes sense that comic con attendees would have much better English ability than other Chinese people in their age group. Comic con is for fans of Marvel, Star Wars, and other sci-fi stories or comic book stories, most of which come from the US. (Also Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings, from the UK.) These things are not native to Chinese culture, so the Chinese people who follow them are probably also very interested in western culture (and studying English), much more so than the average Chinese person.

Rey as a Sith.

And it was really interesting for me to see Chinese people who had such an in-depth knowledge of things like the Star Wars universe or the many many Marvel superheroes. People were asking questions to the panelists about this or that character in the Star Wars comic books- I didn't even know there were Star Wars comic books. Most Chinese people I know aren't familar with Star Wars at all (until last year when "The Force Awakens" was released and all kinds of related merchanise appeared here). And Hendrix (who is a huge Marvel fan) says Marvel didn't get popular in China until the first Ironman movie (2008). For Americans, there is a much longer history and definitely a huge nostalgia component in the fandoms surrounding things like Star Wars and Marvel. That's why I'm really glad I was in the US last year when "The Force Awakens" was released and I got to see it in the theater. The audience cheered when they saw Han and Chewie on the big screen. It was such a cool experience, and I could not have gotten that in China. Yeah, I could have seen "The Force Awakens" in a Chinese movie theater, in English with Chinese subtitles, but the whole culture surrounding Star Wars doesn't exist here. It's just not the same.

“很久很久以前，在一个遥远的银河系。。。。。。“ A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

Star Wars books in Chinese.

(As a side note, it's kind of interesting, when I see movies from the US in Chinese movie theaters, how the audience may or may not react to the jokes in the movie. Like in "Zootopia," when Judy was calculating how much income Nick didn't report on his taxes, she says, "I'm just a dumb bunny, but we are good at multiplying" and I LAUGHED OUT LOUD because that is HILARIOUS. Complete silence from the whole Chinese audience. That joke just did not translate at all. But they LOVED the sloths and their slow-motion facial expressions. And in "Finding Dory," there was one bit where somebody asks Marlin, "Are you okay? You look nervous" and he answers "I always look like that", and that got a huge laugh from the Chinese audience.)

ANYWAY. My point is, nowadays, the big action movies from the US are also released in China, but it wasn't that way, say, 20 or 30 years ago. (I suspect that "Titanic" [1997] was the first one that did extensive marketing in China because SO MANY Chinese people are HUGE fans of "Titanic." It's bizarre. Like back when I taught English, any time we talked about movies, we had to talk about "Titanic." They LOVE "Titanic.") So, because of recent movies, Chinese people my age at least know what Star Wars, Star Trek, and Marvel are, but I hadn't seen anything resembling the whole nerdy fandom surrounding those things until I went to comic con. So that was pretty cool.

Although comic con and the associated fandoms are very new in China (the first Shanghai Comic Con was just last year), cosplay has a much longer history here. People all know what "cosplay" means- actually, it seems like there isn't really a Chinese word for "cosplay"; they just say "cosplay." (Sort of like how the Chinese word for "iPhone" is "iPhone.")

This slide says "SHCC Cosplay 冠军赛". That's not an English and Chinese translation side-by-side; nope, it's just Chinese. "SHCC" is Shanghai Comic Con, the Chinese word for "cosplay" is "cosplay", and "冠军赛 [guàn jūn sài]" means championship.

Two Deadpools playing a video game.

Four Deadpools fighting a dinosaur.

Interestingly, many of the competitors in the cosplay competiton were dressed as characters from video games or anime that I'm not familar with. In contrast, most of the regular comic con attendees walking around in costumes were characters from DC, Marvel, etc- from media that's more western. Seems like the people who are most dedicated to cosplay and spend hundreds of hours on it tend to be more into the fandoms that originated in Asia or at least have a long history in China.

This cosplay, of a character from Starcraft, was the eventual  winner of the cosplay competition. All the joints- including fingers- actually moved. Wow.

All of the cosplay winners.

This guy was the champion of the cosplay competition.

In summary, Comic Con was great! I loved it so much- it's kind of ridiculous how I had never been to a comic con before this, because this is SO TOTALLY my thing. I hope you all enjoyed my photos and cultural musings.