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[content note: abusive dating relationships, "Fifty Shades of Grey"]
So for some reason, "Fifty Shades of Grey" has been on my mind. (Maybe because I watched some videos about why "Twilight" is about an extremely unhealthy relationship.) I never read the book, but I watched the movie a few years ago, and wrote a post about it: How would we even know 'Fifty Shades' isn't normal? Basically, I was so EXTREMELY CREEPED OUT by how much that guy (Christian Grey) used language about "choice" and "consent" as if it was a healthy relationship, while also stalking and manipulating her. It SCARED me, imagining a girl like me, with a purity-culture background and barely any sex-ed or teaching on what a healthy relationship looks like... if she walks away from purity culture and then immediately finds Christian Grey, she will see ZERO RED FLAGS. She has no ability to recognize that the way he treats her is shady as hell.
Thinking about being extremely naive, and how easy it would be to get caught up in a bad situation like that. And that's what I want to talk about in this post too.
The point I want to make is, I can easily imagine how a naive girl [like me] would see this situation and see a power dynamic in it, which is actually exactly backwards from the power dynamic that exists in reality.
He buys her all kinds of expensive gifts. He tells her he's so attracted to her that he can't control himself. He stalks her.
And she might interpret it this way: Wow, I'm such an attractive/beautiful/interesting person, that I've got this rich guy wrapped around my finger. He wants me so much, he's so desperate, that I could ask him for anything and he'd give it to me. I have so much power here.
But if you know a little more about how the real world works, you see it's actually like this: He has enough money that he's able to maintain a habit of impulsively buying whatever he wants. If some shiny toy catches his attention, he can buy it, it's no big deal. Currently, this girl is the "shiny toy" that he wants. He spends money on her because he always spends money on things; it's no big deal to him. But he never risks anything that he actually values. He has years of experience being a rich businessman, of course he knows how to calculate where the line is between "having fun doing whatever I want" and "throwing away things that are actually of value to me, which are going to affect me." He's not going to throw away everything on a whim, just because he's attracted to someone.
All that stuff about "not being able to control himself"? That's bullshit. He can certainly control himself enough to avoid, say, making a scene in front of his colleagues/ business partners. Because that's something that actually matters to him. But apparently he "can't control himself" when he's cornering a girl in an elevator, because it's a situation where there won't be any consequences for him.
So I can easily imagine that she thinks he's so infatuated with her, that he would do anything for her, and she's the one with power. But that's completely backwards. In reality, he manipulates her, while not allowing any risk to the things that actually matter to him.
(For example: Does he introduce her to his friends? Does he talk to her about what's important to him, and value her perspective on it? Does he want to share his life with her, as an equal? Idk, maybe in the sequel, the relationship develops a bit more. At the beginning, though, he sees her as an object rather than a person.)
And actually, her naivete may be one of the reasons that he is drawn to her. He doesn't do these romantic gestures for her because she's so beautiful and kind and intelligent and interesting, and he's just in awe of what a wonderful person she is- he does this because she's inexperienced and will be easy for him to manipulate.
I have another example of having the power dynamics backwards. It's about modesty culture.
So, in Christian purity culture, girls are taught that we have to dress "modestly" because boys just can't think straight when they're in the presence of an attractive girl, the poor dears. The boys are so weak, and need the girls to help them.
I used to imagine it like this: Wow, as a girl, I possess in me this amazingly potent feminine power to control boys, but I must never use it. Oh, but if I did use it- if I let a bra strap show- if I wore a tight shirt- I could get the boys to do whatever I wanted. I would have a line of boys following me around while I teased them. They would stand at a respectful distance and look at me with hearts in their eyes, awed at just being in my presence. They would beg- beg me for a date, a kiss, etc- and I would say no, and they would never violate that "no." All they could do would be continue to beg, or maybe bring me gifts, etc. I would have so much power.
But it's not like that, it's actually opposite. Sexual harassment... women getting catcalled by men on the street... A creepy guy notices a girl, and it can be a scary thing for her, because she doesn't know what he'll do if she rejects him. Maybe he'll call her names, maybe he'll attack her or rape her.
There are people who think that sexual harassment is "a compliment" and don't understand why women complain about it. I think the reason for this misconception is that they imagine a power dynamic completely different than what's actually going on. They imagine a more equal power dynamic, where one person says "you're sexy/beautiful/whatever" and the other person says "thank you" and then they part ways and nothing else happens. In reality, though, it's not "a compliment." In reality, the person who's being "complimented" may fear- "what does this guy want from me? if I say no, is he going to become dangerous? would I be able to get away from him?"
"Modesty" was supposedly about how women are so powerful and men are so weak, but the reality is that powerful men who rape women often get away with it, and people defend rapists by asking about the victim's modesty. "What was she wearing?" Modesty is a way to control women. As a naive teenage girl, I had the power dynamics totally backwards.
(I specifically mentioned "men who rape women" there, because it relates to my point about "modesty", but obviously rapists can be any gender, and victims can be any gender, and it's a PROBLEM that society doesn't take it seriously when a man is raped.)
And, actually, in my fantasy about boys following me around and respecting my boundaries, well, that kind of sounds like celebrities with their fans and paparazzi. But here's the key thing: Celebrities hire bodyguards for exactly that reason. If you have obsessive fans stalking you, they don't stop just because you say "no", they stop if someone (your bodyguard) has the power to stop them. They stop if they are going to face consequences that actually matter to them.
Naively, one might think that it's about attraction. It's about if Person A is so incredibly attracted to Person B, that Person B therefore has the power to make Person A do anything they want. But no, in reality it's not about that at all. It's about who has power, in the real world, not in a sexy/romantic way. Who has the power to do whatever they want and get away with it. Who has the power to stop the other person.
Now, the exception to this is extreme romantic infatuation which drives a person to make unwise decisions as they pursue the person they're infatuated with. A person falls in love and then wants to make sacrifices and give up things they've worked hard for, just for the chance of being with the person they're infatuated with. And perhaps this is what Ana thinks Christian's situation is, in "Fifty Shades of Grey." She thinks he's so in love with her, that it drives him to act reckless. No. He's not actually being "reckless"- he's identifying situations where he won't face any consequences for his behavior, and specifically when he's in those situations, he takes whatever he wants.
In my own experiences being young and naive, I can understand how a very naive person would think that attraction necessarily means romantic infatuation. But... after the second time you fall in love, you understand that just because you feel something, doesn't mean it's true. Doesn't mean it's a good idea. People who actually have practical experience in the real world know that there's more to life than romantic feelings. After experiencing crushes a few times, we learn to keep them in perspective. So just because someone is attracted to you, and they're performing romantic gestures for you, doesn't mean that they're overtaken with obsession for you, and you hold all the power over them. Maybe that's how it works for a teenager having their first crush, but that's not how it works as an adult in the real world.
When I was young and naive, I wish I had been taught how to take a step back and see the actual power dynamics at work. It's not about the strength of one's attraction, it's about how far you can go before someone's able to put meaningful consequences on you.
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Another excellent example of getting the power dynamics backwards is the idea that "women make men do things" which Dr. Laura Robinson describes here:
Do Women Make Men Do Things? Part 1
Do Women Make Men Do Things? 1A, "Feminizing the Church"
Do Women Make Men Do Things? Part 2
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Related:
How would we even know 'Fifty Shades' isn't normal?
8th item in this May 25, 2022 Blogaround
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