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| Image text: "I ship it." (In fandom, "ship" is a verb which means you want 2 fictional characters to be in a relationship.) Image source. |
So the topic for this month's Carnival of Aces is "Inside the Frame, Outside the Frame"- about asexuality and fiction. I want to talk a little about my experiences reading fanfic, and how fanfic has been really helpful for me because it shows many many examples of the feelings people might have about sex and relationships. Really helped me because before, I only knew the conservative Christian "sexual purity" understanding of how relationships and sex are supposed to work.
There was this one fanfic where two characters- let's call them Person A and Person B- ended up in an arrangement where Person B was required to regularly do sexual things for Person A, because of, like, some science fiction reasons, anyway, it was required. The whole fic was about how they dealt with it, how they felt about it. Neither of them wanted to be in that arrangement in the first place; actually, Person A was really uncomfortable with having that kind of power over Person B, and felt really conflicted about it because Person A did enjoy the sex and was attracted to Person B.
I liked this fic because I felt like I could relate to it. Really, I read a lot of fics where someone needs to have sex because of some kind of external motivation, not because they specifically want the sex itself. I feel like I understand that.
A few years ago, I really felt that way about my relationship with my husband (Hendrix). I thought, "I'm asexual, I don't understand what the point of sex is, but apparently he needs it." I love him so much, and back then I was always worried about if I was "good enough" for him.
I had heard so much Christian teaching about marriage that said sex was the most important thing that a man needs from his wife. That apparently having good sex is essential to his self-confidence and mental health, and I'm responsible for that. And apparently if I don't do good enough, well, don't be surprised if he cheats on me. There were always caveats about "oh of course it is totally not okay for a man to cheat, of course that is 100% his own fault, but also, like, what did you expect?"
So back then, a few years ago, that's how I viewed my marriage, like I was Person B in that fanfic. It meant a lot to me, reading that, because in so many ways I felt like that's the situation I was in.
Another interesting aspect is that, throughout the fic, the two characters never have penetrative sex. Person B says many times that they are okay with it, they're willing to do it, and Person A definitely has a desire for it, but Person A is determined to always say no. Person A strongly believes that it would be wrong, because Person B isn't really able to give consent in that kind of situation. They do other sexual things because that's what the arrangement requires of them, and sometimes Person A feels guilty for enjoying it and for the fact that Person B is doing more than just the bare minimum- encouraged by Person A's desire and enjoyment. But anyway, Person A draws the line there, and they don't have penetrative sex.
I had a lot of feelings about that, because I just hate the idea that since I'm asexual, my consent isn't valid. Like I can say "yes I want to have sex" but somebody is going to judge me and say it was for the wrong reasons and therefore it's not real consent. (Though yes, if we're specifically talking about the "Person A" in the relationship, they totally have the right to not consent for any reason they want, and feeling uncomfortable about Person B's consent is a reason.) I recognized that I often did have sex for problematic reasons- mostly to get rid of my own fears of not being "good enough" for my husband. But there have also been times that I chose to not have sex, and my reasons there were problematic- like choosing to not have sex because I was still so scared of all the Christian purity teaching that "unmarried sex is the worst sin and will ruin your life" even though I knew that intellectually I didn't believe that any more. (And yes, Hendrix and I did have sex before we got married, which was A GOOD DECISION, and I intend to never stop talking about that.) Like, my point is, in both cases, my reasons were based on my own emotional needs at the time, and certainly it was true that those emotional needs weren't necessarily coming from a healthy place, but in the short term, the best way to handle it was indeed to consent or not consent to sex. That was my decision.
But the conversation on consent I've seen in feminist spaces doesn't really allow that. And actually, I feel a bit weird even talking about this, because someone is going to say that my marriage is bad, or something, if I'm having sex for reasons other than "I really want to have sex."
Maybe I'm only willing to blog about it because the situation is totally different now- much better now. See, things changed when I got pregnant. At the beginning of the pregnancy, I felt so sick all the time, so we didn't have sex... and at the same time, my husband was so caring and affectionate and doing everything he could to help me feel better. I was shocked, because those Christian marriage books basically said men aren't capable of that- like if I'm not giving him sex, not holding up my end of the deal, then he won't do nice things for me.
And when I was pregnant, I felt like I finally had a "good enough reason" to not have sex. Okay, this is another problematic line of thinking that I had. I felt like, if sex is painful for me, well, that's not a good enough reason to say no (that's what the Christian marriage books said). But suddenly there's a worry that sex could hurt the baby (in particular, pain could be a sign that something is wrong and could potentially affect the pregnancy) and suddenly I felt like I could actually say no.
And then after little Square Root was born, at first we never even had time to have sex (due to, you know, having a newborn baby), and then when we did, I discovered that penis-in-vagina sex was SO MUCH EASIER than before. Kind of a long story (I blogged about it here, it's about vaginismus) and then because it felt so much different (better!) physically than it had pre-pregnancy, I started to actually enjoy it and desire it. And that's great. My sex life is so much better now! And I'm not worried about "am I having sex with him frequently enough for his *needs*" and all that- I don't even think about that any more.
So that's good news, but ... I'm not sure if it means I'm framing the "before" part in a bad way. Like "oh, a few years ago, I felt like the 'Person B' in this fanfic, like I was required to have sex because those were the terms of the arrangement, and I love my husband so much and I worried about if he would think I was good enough, but DON'T WORRY GUYS, IT'S OKAY, everything is different now, now I enjoy sex because it actually feels good and I actually like it, phew thank goodness." Like yes, my situation now is definitely better than back then, but I still don't believe that the "I am required to have sex with my partner, whom I really love, because that's the expectation for the relationship structure we have" is necessarily a bad thing. I think that's just the reality that a lot of asexuals are in. I have talked to other asexual straight married women in that situation.
And that fic I mentioned- how did it end? Well, they eventually found a way to break out of the arrangement they had been forced into for science fiction reasons. After that, Person B left, and was away for a long time, healing from it. Then eventually, Person B comes back and decides- on their own terms- to have a relationship with Person A. Then you know the consent is real. Yay, good ending for everyone. But in real life, there are asexual/allosexual relationships where that kind of ideal solution isn't really an option. The asexual partner chooses to have sex for various reasons that may be good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, and I believe that's okay. That doesn't mean their relationship is bad/wrong/rapey.
(Or... actually, I should say, maybe it's okay, maybe it's not. But you have to look at the whole picture; you can't make a judgment on it just based on the fact that one partner is consenting to sex for "problematic" reasons.)
So. Just wanted to give one example of a fanfic I really liked because I could relate to how one of the characters felt about sex. I think fanfic is great- there is so much out there, so much variety, you can find anything, and it's a great way to see a lot of examples of different ways that people might approach sex/relationships. I needed that because I grew up with Christian purity ideology which presented only a very narrow view.
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Related:
On Purity, Asexuality, and Timing
He Just Loves Me (a post about Sex, Pregnancy, and My "Wifely Duty")
How Pregnancy and Childbirth Changed My Asexuality (or, actually, A Post About Vaginismus)
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This post is part of the November 2021 Carnival of Aces. The topic for this month is "Inside the Frame, Outside the Frame."
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