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| A man and woman reading a bible together, with the man holding the woman and looking over her shoulder. Image text: "The wife must submit." Image source. |
It's not a very positive or healthy perspective on marriage or sex.
In this post, I have gathered a bunch of "receipts"- a bunch of blog posts from conservative Christians who are teaching this exact thing.
I also found some writers who said it's not always true that the husband wants sex more than the wife, and that the whole "you need to have sex when you don't want to or else you're ruining your marriage" thing goes both ways. That kind of teaching is ALSO a problem, but I'm not going to put examples in this post; in this post I'm just focusing on the ones that are specifically directed toward women.
(Though I am including some that mentioned "oh, and if the wife wants sex more, then the husband has a responsibility to say yes" but it felt like just a little disclaimer thrown in on the side, and the advice was really targeted at women.)
Anyway, here are the receipts:
Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs
The lack of regular sex is a significant barrier to emotional connectedness and intimacy for men. Likewise, sex is perhaps the most powerful force bonding a man emotionally and relationally to his wife. Beyond just the act of having sex, sharing and embracing your husband's sexuality is perhaps the most powerful way to build the intimacy you so desire in your marriage. How can you truly be connected with him if you ignore or minimize the one aspect of his life that dominates him physically, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally?Submitting to Your Husband: The Basics
Speaking of taking off pants…get intimate! Are you tired of hearing about this one yet? Well, if you are…get used to it. I have said it once, and I will say it again…The Duggars' 7 tips for keeping your marriage sexy, even after (a lot of) kids
Opening my heart and allowing God to work on the intimacy in our marriage has been the best thing I have ever done.
Men NEED sex. Now, I know that’s blunt, but hear me out. Intimacy isn’t just something in our marriage that we can wave off and discredit as, “Oh, he’s just being a guy.” Sex is very much tied to the emotional part of a man’s brain. I’m not going to go way deep into it, but if you haven’t already, check out the experiment I did in my own marriage! (Read: My Intimacy Experiment)
Now, how exactly does getting intimate = submission in marriage? When we submit to our husband’s desire and NEED to have an intimate, emotional connection with us in the marriage bed, we are showing him that we respect the ways in which he feels love. Each and every time that we have sex with our husbands, we are validating the marriage vows said on our wedding day. We are saying, “I care about you, and I want to prove it.” It’s not about getting it over with or just doing it because that’s all that men want. It’s about acknowledging his need for intimacy and deciding to be obedient to God by submitting to our husbands.
1. Say yes to sex, even when you're tired. Michelle says a friend gave her advice to live by before she and Jim Bob married in 1984: "She said, 'In your marriage there will be times you're going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day's work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you.'" — she's talking about sex, just so everyone's clear — "'Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.'"Key Truths about a Husband and Wife Needing and Desiring Sex – Part 2 – Is It Just About Sex for the Man?
At the time, as a young bride-to-be, Michelle says, she couldn't imagine ever not wanting to "be available" for some quality married nookie. But with kids, she soon realized, exhaustion can easily extinguish romance. So she's made an effort to follow her friend's advice — and with no birth control and 19 kids, it would seem she's succeeded. "That has been such a lifesaver for our marriage," she tells TODAY Moms.
Seems to be working for Jim Bob, too: "We're like a newlywed couple every day!" he enthuses.
On the other side, thinking of the good-willed husband, few things wound a husband more than being met with sexual rejection despite his consistent love for his wife (C.O.U.P.L.E.). Not only does he feel deprived sexually, but more profoundly, he feels disrespected and possibly unloved. Most husbands know their wives love them, but when rejected like this, it goes to the core of their being, and they feel dishonored. And in a male’s world, this is colossal. This is less about sex and more about honor. He has a need that only she can meet, and when she rejects him sexually, she leaves him feeling without worth and importance. She shames him, and Proverbs 12:4 says, “She who shames him is rottenness to his bones.”Is It Reasonable to Say “No” to Oral Sex?
What about wives who just don’t like oral sex, but don’t really have any strong reason for saying no?How Your Husband Feels When You’re Too Tired For Sex
My challenge to wives who have flat out refused any kind of oral sex, whether it be giving or receiving, is to really look at why they feel that way.
Are you trying to argue it from a biblical standpoint?
In my opinion, you won’t get very far. Most theologians and people who have thoroughly studied the book of Song of Songs believe it includes positive references to marital oral pleasure. Also, there is no scripture in the Bible that specifically says a husband and wife cannot include oral sex in their intimacy.
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My hope would be that a wife who is unwilling to budge would do a bit of introspection to see if her steel-clad refusal is really reasonable.
If you are that wife, are you being reasonable on this?
It might seem that putting dear hubby off for another night isn’t that big of a deal. As Leslie puts it, it isn’t personal. In other words… we women tend to think that, for him, sex is primarily a physical need. In the same way that sleep is a physical need! Right? Well, actually, for him…. no. It’s much more than that.Lori Alexander writes about this a lot. Like, go over to her blog and you will find an endless amount of horrifying misogynist posts about how wives need to just get over themselves and have sex. Here's a post from her: Premarital Sex Is SO Detrimental To Marriage
Sex is a powerful emotional need for men.
I was shocked in my research with thousands of men that sex is actually primarily a powerful emotional need for men. It meets a very deep need in a man to feel that his wife desires him—a need that hits at the core of who he is, and is thus far more central to his sense of emotional well-being (and thus the marriage relationship!) than most women realize. (Ladies, if you have the higher drive in your marriage, check out our special article series “When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive.”)
Being intimate with your husband tells him he’s desirable, which, believe it or not, gives him that oh-so-necessary sense of confidence and well-being in all the other areas of life. One husband I interviewed explained, “What happens in the bedroom really does affect how I feel the next day at the office.”
Being physically intimate is as important to your man as being emotionally intimate is to you.
And it works the other way, too. Your (spoken or implied) “please leave me alone” probably makes your husband feel like “you are so undesirable you can’t even compete with my pillow.” Looking at it from his standpoint, that is a depressing message. Do you see how responding—or not responding—tells your husband something emotionally important in a way you might never have realized?
The men often used this analogy: a lack of being physically intimate is as emotionally serious to a man as a lack of togetherness or communication would be to you. It would be similar to how lonely and abandoned you would feel if he suddenly started giving you the silent treatment and stopped communicating.
One man posted this question on his Facebook wall: “Should a wife have sex with her husband even when she is not in the mood?”And here's one where Alexander reposts something from a blog commenter saying wives need to just fake it: Your Husband's Sexuality is a Gift From God to You
I answered, “Yes, because a wife who loves the Lord and His ways certainly will, since she is not led by her moods or emotions but by the perfect Word of God.”
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Actually, it’s a strong woman who isn’t being led by her moods and emotions but instead is living in obedience to God’s command to not deprive her husband sexually. This takes strength whereas doing as you please takes no strength at all.
Why do women act so profoundly disgusted at the thought of giving themselves freely to their husbands sexually even if they’re not in the mood?
When I speak to younger wives, I am quick to correct them for expressing exasperation about their husbands’ sex drives. This is because an older, wiser woman did me the same favor years back. She taught me that my husband’s sexuality is a gift for me from God and that I was to joyfully receive it, enjoy it, and cherish it, rather than dreading it or resigning myself to it.And this tweet from Alexander too:
It’s mind boggling to think that many husbands have never known their wives’ complete, unbridled, uninhibited sexual response and sadly this has been wasted in past fornicating experiences and the wives now selfishly couldn’t be bothered to offer their husbands anything more than duty sex if any.
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I remember being on an island to island flight with only one flight attendant. It was a red eye flight and I could see that the attendant was having a rough morning. Her hair was not as neatly coiffed as they usually have it. Her eyes were slightly bloodshot. Her makeup was meh and her suit was creased in parts. I had a little baby on the flight and the attendant was helping me secure our seat belt so I asked her if she was fine. She said it was her day off but her colleague had been taken ill so she had been given an hour’s notice to cover the flight. She was kind and smiling the whole time. She made the requisite announcements cheerily and treated the passengers with congeniality. If this woman could show up at short notice and against all odds make every effort to treat strangers with affability, how much more should a wife rise above the usual demands of motherhood and life in general to joyfully anticipate and fully meet her husband’s sexual needs?
It’s a matter of putting God and His Word first rather than ourselves.
1 Corinthians 7:5 pic.twitter.com/GL2fs3TSVu— The Transformed Wife (@laalex2) December 9, 2018
Mark Driscoll’s Oral Fixation
She [the wife] says, “I’ve never performed oral sex on my husband. I’ve refused to.” I said, “You need to go home and tell your husband that you’ve met Jesus and you’ve been studying the Bible, and that you’re convicted of a terrible sin in your life. And then you need to drop his trousers, and you need to serve your husband. And when he asks why, say, ‘Because I’m a repentant woman. God has changed my heart and I’m supposed to be a biblical wife.’”My Spouse Doesn’t Enjoy Sex
The need is to grow up and learn to be bathed in grace at this moment. And this especially applies in the marriage bed. Don’t say “yes” to your husband’s desire tonight by complying, and then in a half a dozen ways communicating: “I wish I weren’t here.”The Benefits of Being a Sexually Obedient Wife
You don’t have to have the same kind of pleasure to make him feel loved. If you are not enjoying the actual physical realities of touch and sexual union, take joy in him. Take joy in the fact that you can give him pleasure. Take joy in the fact that he only wants it from you. Take joy in the privilege that he trusts you with his naked, emotional, physical, ridiculous abandon that he would be embarrassed in any other context to display. And he trusts you with this. Take joy in the grace of God that you can give yourself to him in these situations.
A mature, growing, gracious wife, who does not find physical pleasure in sexual relations, can find lots of pleasures in the event because of the way God set it up to be. There are ways that a mature wife can delight in that sexual moment.
On the issue of the change in your husband’s ambition and demeanor – Absolutely you giving your body freely and with a good attitude to your husband would definitely help with his ambition and attitude toward life. Have you have heard the phrase “he just needs to get laid?” I know it sounds crass but it absolutely true. When a man (or even a woman) feels sexually frustrated or they are not getting sexually feed at home it will affect every part of their life. Often times it will result in men being less ambitious and more irritable.This is what I was taught about marriage: that one of the most important aspects of being married is that wives have to frequently say yes to sex they don't want.
When a man feels like he can have sex with his wife whenever he wants and he feels like she desires him and he pleases her that same man will often feel like he can go out and conquer the world!
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On the issue of you being tired all the time before – that is absolutely true for many women. The greatest lie of feminism is telling women “You can have it all”. That is utterly untrue. There are only so many hours in day and you only have so much energy to give. If you spend 40 hours a week at your job and then another 10 hours a week commuting you are going to have very little energy left to give to your husband, your children and your home.
Many women today save little to no energy for their sex lives with their husbands. Their jobs get their energy and what little energy they have after going out to their career they give to their children while they husband is left scrounging for scraps of energy from his wife for their sex life.
As you correctly point out – yes it is a sacrifice but I think you would agree based on the changes you have seen in your husband’s life that it was a sacrifice worth making.
I think it is great that you recognize your own rebelliousness and your desire to control your time and your body. At the same time though – don’t beat yourself up. Recognize your sinful inclinations and then give those things to God. We all face different types of sins and as men we have our own sinful inclinations as well that we must recognize and fight through God’s grace.
I just want to admonish you to keep up what you have been doing and realize that your sexual obedience is not just to your husband – but truly it is an act of worship to God himself for all he has done for you. This is also a great testimony that other women can learn from and I want to thank you for sharing this with me and my audience – it is truly a blessing.
I honestly don't know how to form a healthier view on the "one partner wants sex more than the other" issue. I'm an asexual woman married to a heterosexual man, so this is definitely relevant to my life. I don't have a complete answer- but I do know that it has to involve both people being honest with themselves and with each other about their needs and desires. It has to involve communication. It has to involve the actual needs of the actual people involved- not gender stereotypes.
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Related:
If A Wife Is Required To Have Sex, That's Not "Intimacy"
Scripts
I Wanna Preach the Good News of Masturbation
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