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| An image of Bruce Banner, but with eyes green to represent the Hulk too. Image source. |
[content note: abusive Christian theology]
I really need to pray, Bruce thought. He sat on the floor of his new home, which was even cheaper and dirtier than the previous one, leaned against his bed, and closed his eyes. God, help, he began. God, I need you so much.
Maybe I could worship with music, he thought, and he turned on his mp3 player. He closed his eyes again and listened.
I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from you
The words seemed to sink into him, convicting him. He was so bad at following God, so rebellious all the time. Selfish, stubborn, proud.
I am the king of excuses
I've got one for every selfish thing I do
This was Bruce's prayer. He knew those words were all true. He was always straying so far from God.
What's going on inside of me
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I'm still a man in need of a savior
The words washed over him, and there he was, guilty and ashamed before God. He was so low, so sinful, so in need of God.
I wanna be in the light
As you are in the light
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh Lord be my light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the light
He wanted it so bad. He wanted to get rid of his sinful nature, this green monster that lived inside him, and just be with God. Why was it so hard to just be with God? Why did the other guy have to get in the way? He loved God so much, so why was it such a struggle? Like Paul said in Romans 7, "what I hate I do." Who will rescue me from this body of death? thought Bruce.
The disease of self runs through my blood
It's a cancer, fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
It was true, it was all true... He'd failed so much. He'd run away to South America, left behind everything he cared about. Running from his responsibilities, maybe even running from God. And what did it get him? The other guy was inside him- running away was useless.
The other guy... Bruce could feel the other guy getting a little angry. No, he wouldn't let him out. This was his quiet time; he was listening to God and praying. Keep it under control, he told himself. Why did the other guy have to act up when Bruce was having such a deep worshipful moment? Just shows how the devil tries to get us distracted and away from God.
No, he thought, have to push the other guy down. Keep it inside. This is just me and God. Oh God help!
He turned up the volume, so the sound would surround him and overpower the temptation he was feeling. And then he was singing, because this was his prayer, the only thing he could do:
"Tell me what's going on inside of me!
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicion
That I'm still a man in need of a savior!
"I wanna be in the light," he sobbed, "as you are in the light..."
I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens
But he was hiding in Brazil, not "in the light at all" ...
Oh Lord be my light, and be my salvation
"... cause all I want is to be in the light..." he managed to say, hiding his face in his hands. How could he even pray that? Did he even want God or not? Why was he running from his problems? Why was he not fighting his sin? Why did he have this thorn in the flesh? (A messenger of Satan, to torment me... yeah if that wasn't a description of the Hulk...) Why was it so hard to keep the Hulk down? Why couldn't he just "take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ"?
So sinful. And he knew he had always been like this. Gamma rays don't have morals- his failed experiment didn't make him a rage monster, it just revealed the sin that had always lived inside him.
God, he started to pray, God ... I need you.
But why would God want him? Why would God show him unconditional love when he was such a failure?
God, I don't know why you love me... I'm unworthy... but I need you so much. Just help me get through another day. Help me not sin.
It was all he could do. It was all he had. He was a pathetic sinner, but he would cling to God.
To be continued...
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