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| The topic of this post is not happy, so I'll give you this photo of a cute bunny. Image source. |
Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"
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[content note: marital rape]
We are now in chapter 10 of The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended [affiliate link]. This post will cover the first part, pages 179-187.
This section was hard to read, because a lot of the anecdotes in it are horrifying. It's about husbands who rape their wives, and claim that it's right for them to do so, because of the bible or whatever. It's about Christian marriage books that teach that all men are like that, and don't mention that marital rape is A REAL THING- so the women in these situations don't even know that what's happening to them is rape and it's wrong.
The authors of "The Great Sex Rescue" take a stand here and say that rape is wrong, that consent is important, that just because you're married doesn't mean you can do whatever sexual things you want to your spouse. And, yeah, it's horrible that we actually need to say that. It should be obvious. But yes, it really really does need to be said, because popular Christian marriage books say the exact opposite.
(Also, usually sex ed resources about consent don't mention marriage specifically- when I started reading stuff like that, good healthy advice about consent, I kind of assumed it only applied to unmarried people, and marriage worked differently. So maybe there needs to be more discussion about rape and consent in the context of marriage. Glad to see "The Great Sex Rescue" talking about this.)
So in this blog post, I will mostly just post quotes from this section of "The Great Sex Rescue." Because all of this is very real, and hard to read, and people coming from a conservative Christian background need to hear it.
The chapter starts out with this:
Nothing could have prepared us for how many horrific stories of marital rape we heard in the one-on-one interviews for this book.
Yeah. So that's what this chapter is. Trigger warning.
Okay here we go.
First, "The Great Sex Rescue" rounds up some quotes from mainstream Christian marriage books which downplay rape:
We hope we can all agree that forcing someone to have sex is wrong. But to our amazement, and our great dismay, far too many Christian books include incidents of marital rape or other forms of sexual assault and then dismiss these incidents as unimportant. Several books, for instance, mention spouses who feel as if a rape has occurred-- but then give no commentary that rape is unacceptable:
- Every Heart Restored recounts a woman saying, "Without foreplay, he raped me-- if that can happen when you're married," and then just leaves that hanging, not saying, "Yes, rape can happen in marriage."
- Later again in Every Heart Restored, the authors warn, "We've heard stories about some husbands who coerced their wives into sexual intercourse one, two, and sometimes three times a day! ... If your husband is demanding sex more than once a day, he likely has a lust problem that needs to be dealt with." Coercing someone into sex apparently isn't wrong; the only problem seems to be if he exceeds his daily limit.
- Every Man's Battle has multiple depictions of sexual assault (one of which is the rape of a minor) and simply writes them off as the natural consequence of a man's struggle with lust, without explaining the harm done to the women (or even the illegal nature of many of the acts).
- His Needs, Her Needs includes this: "Many men tell me they wish their sex drive wasn't so strong. As one thirty-two-year-old executive put it, 'I feel like a fool-- like I'm begging her or even raping her, but I can't help it. I need to make love!'" We are supposed to have sympathy for the man who feels like he's raping his wife, but not for the woman enduring it.
We want to say (and we are flabbergasted that we apparently have to) that if you ever feel like you are raping someone, you probably are. Consensual, mutual, life-giving sex and rape feel very different from each other. If you feel something is off, trust that feeling and stop.
Yes.
Yes, I grew up evangelical, and all of this checks out. We were explicitly taught that all men are bursting with sexual desire they can barely control. (The poor dears! We women/ teenage girls/ 8-year-old girls need to help them by dressing modestly!) And even though typically I didn't hear it spelled out so directly- I didn't hear anyone literally say the words "men can't stop themselves from raping their wives"- that idea is always kind of there, lurking in the background of what we were taught about men and marriage and sex. Marriage is when you're finally allowed to have sex. Marriage is God's solution for men's lust problems. What reason would there be for a husband to hold back?
Continuing on with "The Great Sex Rescue":
When Christian resources fail to discuss marital rape appropriately, it leaves women without the words to describe what is happening to them. While Erika was taking a shower on her wedding night, her husband barged in and attacked her. "We hadn't had sex before we were married, and I wasn't ready yet. I remember freaking out in my mind, crying and praying, 'What is going on?' and 'What is this? I can't live with this for the rest of my life.'" The "this" that she couldn't name was repeated many times over the next few years. And it wasn't until her divorce lawyer showed concern that Erika realized that "this" was rape.
...
Erika's reality in her first marriage is the horrible, gut-wrenching conclusion that many women have come to after reading these books: if she doesn't give her husband sex, he'll have to rape her to get it.
Well... yeah.
Of course this is how the logic works.
I remember years ago, way back before I met my husband, way back before I figured out I'm asexual, back when I was a good pure girl and I was sure I would really love sex because I had heard it was "a beautiful gift from God" and didn't know any practical details- I happened to hear that for some women, sex might be painful (especially the first time), and I wondered about how it would play out, if that happened to me. I imagined my hypothetical Christian husband sitting me down and saying "Here's the situation, here's what has to happen, you have to have sex with me, that's what our marriage vows mean, and you're in sin if you don't do it." I imagined that he would have empathy for me, to some extent- feeling sad for how difficult and painful it would be for me to hold up my end of the deal- but he would believe that's no excuse- I STILL have to hold up my end of the deal.
We girls were taught that "men need sex", and so wives need to have sex with their husbands, even if the wives don't want to. That was the side of this teaching that the girls heard, and as I've said before, the boys might not even have been aware that that's what girls were being told. ("The Great Sex Rescue" has anecdotes in previous chapters about good men who had no idea that their wives were only having sex out of obligation, and when these men found out, they were horrified because they wanted sex to be something their wives enjoy.) But wow, if you get a man who's an abuser, who's a rapist, and *he* buys into that teaching... that's the worst situation.
Yeah... like I've said before, here's what happens to girls who grow up with a "purity" background, if they end up marrying a man: Either she marries a man who's a good person, and then she is SHOCKED at how loving and compassionate and respectful he is toward her, because she was taught that men aren't capable of being that good. Or she marries an abuser, and all of his behavior reads as completely normal to her. She doesn't recognize that it's wrong, because she was taught that's just how men are.
Fortunately for me, I married a man who's a good person. I'm glad he's not a Christian, because he doesn't believe any of that "purity" or "wifely submission" stuff. And yes, I went through that phase of just being ASTOUNDED at how my husband treats me with respect- it's mind-blowing, because I was taught that men aren't capable of that.
But, yeah, in these anecdotes from "The Great Sex Rescue," these are the women who weren't so lucky. (And ... yeah, "lucky" is the right word here, because in purity culture they don't teach you ANYTHING about how to evaluate a potential partner and figure out if he's an abuser. All that matters is that you didn't have sex before marriage; that automatically means it's a healthy relationship, right?) These are the women who were taught that a man just isn't capable of treating his wife decently if she's not "submitting" to him, and giving him sex all the time, and never disagreeing with him about anything- all of us "pure" girls were taught that- and then they happen to marry a man who really acts that way, rather than a normal man who is a mature adult.
All of this is to say, yes, of course these kind of horrific things are happening as a result of conservative Christian teaching on marriage. The stories in this chapter of "The Great Sex Rescue" are hard to read, but I know that these kinds of things are real.
Another quote from "The Great Sex Rescue":
The way many Christian marriage and sex books handle the topic of marital rape can cause women to not trust men, even men who deserve their trust. Men are portrayed as unable to control their sexual urges: one little slipup and they might rape fifteen-year-olds or masturbate in the open. Multiple books tell women that if she doesn't have sex and he has an affair, it's her fault. They tell her that he can't control himself without her help. They even tell her "faithfulness is a two-person job."
Most men are not one slipup away from raping an underage girl. Most men do not find it difficult to refrain from masturbating in public. Most men do not have affairs. But when women are being told this lie that she must give her husband sex or he'll lose control of himself, men-- even the one she is in love with-- can become very frightening. And sex can feel like a threat.
Men are not more evil simply by being men. Most men are respectful people who do not harm women. But the more we unfairly portray all men as potential predators or potential rapists, the less we are able to notice when a man actually becomes one of those things.
Preach.
Men are fully capable of being decent human beings. There are some men out there who are abusers and rapists- and they should be held accountable for that, and if you meet a man like that, you need to NOT MARRY HIM.
But purity culture/ complementarianism/ Christian marriage resources teach the opposite. Christian marriage resources teach that if your husband isn't treating you right, probably it's because you didn't "submit" to him, or you didn't give him sex enough, and obviously a man would treat you badly in that situation, that's how God made men to be.
Like I said, lucky for me that I married a man who's not a Christian. He had no idea that he's apparently incapable of being a decent human being if I'm not having sex with him or whatever. Lucky for me, he's a normal human who loves me and cares about how I feel. He's not the magical godly Christian man I always dreamed about. He's way better.
(And yes, of course Christian men can also be decent human beings. It's just nice for me that I didn't have to deal with a partner who was also unlearning purity culture at the same time I was.)
Next, "The Great Sex Rescue" has an anecdote from a woman whose husband insists on having sex with her every day, sometimes multiple times a day, even when she's having her period and she doesn't want to. "When I had our babies, he googled and told me it's okay after four weeks, we don't have to wait for six." What the actual ****. Oh, he GOOGLED. Consent doesn't matter, only GOOGLE. WTF, this guy. She also says, "I actually feel abused." And, "I tell him it hurts me when we have sex too often or when I'm on my period, but he says, then why would God say to NEVER deny each other?"
WTF, this guy. He doesn't care about how his wife feels, he doesn't care about her pain, he doesn't care about consent- all that matters is "God said" you can never say no to your spouse.
The authors of "The Great Sex Rescue" have this response to the above anecdote:
How can a man force intercourse on his wife when she's curled up in a ball, stiff and in emotional turmoil, and not think this is wrong? Or, to put it more bluntly, how can this man rape his wife and think he's morally right in doing so? We believe it comes from this faulty "Christian" teaching that this behavior is actually biblical.
Yeah... this is just like what I was describing above, the way I imagined my hypothetical "good Christian" husband would sit me down and explain why the bible says my consent doesn't matter. He would present a logical argument about why my pain doesn't matter. And he would be right- that's what the bible says, right?
And next, "The Great Sex Rescue" has quotes from actual real male commenters on their blog, literally making that argument:
Referring to the 1 Corinthians 7 passage ["Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent"], Tony commented, "Consensual is a key word. If he didn't consent to going six weeks [after a baby] or even one week a month [during her period], then unilaterally imposing that on him is certainly not consensual." Another man echoed him, "The period of abstinence after pregnancy and during the wife's period is not by mutual agreement so that the couple can devote themselves to prayer. It is being forced on us men because we are being told to give our wives a break." You need mutual consent to say no, these commenters feel-- but apparently you don't need mutual consent to say yes.
!!!!! Ladies, don't marry Tony!
Wow this is ****ed up! These men think you need 2 people to consent in order to *not* have sex, but if 1 spouse wants sex and the other doesn't, the non-consenting spouse should be overruled.
If you meet a guy who says that, don't marry him!!!!!!!!
And part of me wants to be like, "How can a husband have no empathy, like this- forcing his wife into sex because 'that's what the bible says' regardless of how she feels?" But... actually, there are a lot of situations in evangelicalism that get framed as a conflict between your fallible human emotions and the absolute truth of the bible, and you have to be strong and do the right thing and disregard your emotions. For example, Abraham was commanded by God to sacrifice his son Isaac- and so Christians should also be willing to sacrifice our children if God commands it. (WTF. If God tells you to kill a child, you quit religion right then and there, okay?) For example, evangelicals feel sad about how they have to tell queer people "we don't support your lifestyle", and have to vote against their rights, but that's simply what they must do- don't let your compassion lead your astray and convince you to reject what the bible says about homosexuality!
So killing your conscience in order to do what "the bible says" is very much a normal part of being evangelical.
That earlier anecdote from the woman whose husband believes that google overrides consent... like he's just thinking in terms of "right and wrong" as presented by the bible, and he can't see that his wife is an actual real person, right there in front of him, who is in pain. But that's... to put it bluntly, that's an essential part of what it means to be evangelical. (See also: hell, divorce, sexual abuse, and so many other issues.)
All right, one last big block quote from "The Great Sex Rescue":
Abusive men are using our evangelical resources as weapons. That's why Christian resources simply must do better. Not one of the books we looked at, except our secular control book, John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, even mentioned the idea of consent. This isn't acceptable. And so let's be clear: marital rape and sexual assault, whether by physical force or coercive threats, are real and are wrong. These all count as forms of sexual assault:
- If a spouse is angry and potentially violent or verbally abusive, and you feel you have to have sex in order to protect yourself or your children.
- If a spouse routinely physically abuses you, and you find this happens less often if you have sex more.
- If a spouse routinely verbally abuses you and tells you that you are worthless or tells you that you will be disobeying God if you refuse sex.
- If a spouse doesn't give you any access to money or groceries or toiletries unless you regularly have sex.
- If a spouse has sex with you while you are sleeping (whether or not your spouse wakes you up in the process).
- If a spouse forces a sexual act that you do not want, that is also sexual assault, even if the rest of the sexual encounter was consensual. We received a letter from a woman saying, "I told my husband I wasn't comfortable with sex toys, but in the middle of sex, he'll use one on me suddenly, with no warning, after whipping it out from under a pillow."
- If a spouse threatens that if you do not have sex, he or she will look at porn, go on sex chat websites, go to strip clubs, or visit prostitutes.
These are all evil, even if not all are prosecutable in a court of law. And compliance does not equal consent either. Even if you did not physically fight or verbally say no, that does not mean you went along with it willingly. If any of these are happening to you, please call a domestic abuse hotline, or reach out to a licensed counselor who specializes in domestic violence.
Yes. I feel it's important for me to type up this entire list, in case someone hasn't heard this before and needs to hear it. (Also they wrote the list in a gender-neutral way. Yes, people of any gender can be rapists or rape victims, though the focus of this chapter is specifically the problem of husbands raping their wives.)
So, to sum up this section of "The Great Sex Rescue": Yes, all of this is very real and needs to be said. Yes, Christian marriage books teach women that this kind of behavior from men is to be expected, because men "need" sex, and "God says" you're required to meet your husband's sexual needs. The truth is, men are fully capable of being better than that. If a man is an abuser or rapist, he should be held accountable for that, because that's not "just how men are."
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Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"
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