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| A painting of the angel Gabriel appearing to Mary. Image source. |
"How will this be," she asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
"The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. For nothing is impossible with God."
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Susanna imagined it, imagined being pregnant, giving birth, unmarried. She felt trapped, more than anything else. She couldn't do it. She couldn't be pregnant, she just couldn't. She was only 14.
She had seen other pregnant girls who weren't married. She saw how people judged them, she saw how they barely had enough money to take care of their babies. She had heard of one girl who had actually left Nazareth because of the shame. People gossiped so much. They all judged her.
And what would she tell Jacob? She was betrothed to him, and if she suddenly ended up pregnant, what would he do? He would be angry. He would never believe that it was... an angel... a virgin birth. Who would believe that? Would Jacob tell everyone she had been unfaithful to him?
Or... suddenly a worse thought occurred to her. What if Jacob stayed with her? What if he stayed, and the baby was born, and he never let her forget that he was providing for a baby that wasn't his? If he threatened to throw her out, he would be able to force her to do anything.
Susanna hadn't wanted to marry him, but now it seemed more urgent than ever to get away from him. And no, she couldn't handle being pregnant right now.
She had plans. She had a life. She was learning quilt-making from her mother, hoping she could earn some money with that. Would she have to stop? How could she deal with pregnancy right now? Being sick, being exhausted, hiding from the villagers who would gossip about her... it just felt impossible.
She felt like she was at the bottom of a hole. And the angel had said "For nothing is impossible with God," but Susanna knew what the real world was like. Who would help her, when she had no money, and a newborn baby to take care of? Who would help her, if Jacob felt he could control her life? It's easy for the angel to talk about how God chose her, but is the angel going to wake up in the middle of the night to hold the baby when he cries? It was just too overwhelming, thinking of how much work she would have to do, how exhausting, how alone she would be.
It was a nice idea, maybe, but she would have to say no.
But still, for a second, when the angel had said "you have found favor with God," Susanna felt special. Like part of her wanted to do it. Wanted it to work. But she just couldn't, not right now.
Maybe in 5 or 10 years, when she was in a better place in life. When she had more money, and a man who treated her better than Jacob did. If another angel came then, and told her she was chosen for the task of giving birth to the Son of God, maybe then she would say yes.
"I can't do it," she said to the angel. "I'm sorry, I can't."
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Mary was astonished. The idea that God had chosen her, it was amazing. For her whole life, she had done her best to be devoted to God, just like the teachers had said. Finally, she was being recognized. Finally, her devotion had paid off. God had chosen her. It was incredible!
It would be hard, she knew it would be hard. Giving birth, raising a child, it would be hard- but God would be with her. God had chosen her, so that must mean he knew she could do it.
She remembered the stories of the prophets, called by God to do incredible things for him. They were called to go to faraway places and preach. Some of them were killed because they preached against the wicked kings. As a little girl, Mary had imagined what it would be like if she was called by God too. She wanted it; she prayed for it. It was dangerous, she knew that, but it was heroic and amazing, and they got to really know God, really hear the voice of God, rely on God, see miracles. Wouldn't it be wonderful, she had always thought, to live an exciting life like that? It's hard, but it's worth it.
And now here it was. She was 14, and she was really being called by God. She was scared, but she knew she had to say yes.
"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered the angel. "May it be to me as you have said."
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6 months after the angel came, Susanna finally got Jacob to divorce her. Even though they weren't married yet, the betrothal could only be broken with a divorce. It had been so tedious- talking to her parents, talking to Jacob's parents, saying all the right words to soothe Jacob's ego.
She was still a virgin, and that was the only way she was able to convince her parents that she'd be able to find someone else. If she had been pregnant... It was terrible to think about. Either Jacob would have dumped her on the street, or he would have stayed with her and made her life miserable.
But finally, she was free. And she never would have been able to do it, if she had taken the angel's offer and gotten supernaturally pregnant. It horrified her to think about that. How much worse her life would be, how she would be trapped.
And 9 months after the angel came, she thought, "this is when the baby- Jesus- would have been born." And part of her wished she could have that... But she knew it would have been impossible. Her life had gotten so much better in these 9 months- but if she had been pregnant, it would have gotten worse.
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Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem on foot, when she was 9 months pregnant. She had never been so exhausted in her life.
They arrived in Bethlehem, and when they found out there was no room in the inn, Mary broke down crying. "Why does everything have to be so hard?"
"Don't worry, we'll find somewhere," Joseph tried to reassure her. He found a place for her to sit, and tried to calm her down.
"I think... I think I might be having contractions right now," Mary said.
Joseph suddenly looked panicked. "I'll go talk to him again," he said. "There has to be somewhere we can stay."
Mary sat and waited for him. Back when she had said yes to the angel, she never would have thought it would be like this. Being pregnant was hard- and it was hard in a bone-weary way that she didn't know about before. Where was God in all this? She knew God had chosen her, she knew God had given her the baby... but all those times that she had to throw up, she didn't feel like God was with her. All those times she felt hungry, or sick, or exhausted. All those times she felt the baby kicking her organs. She didn't know it would be like this.
And on top of that, she had to worry about Joseph's feelings too. He had said he was fine. He had said he would still marry her, and he believed the baby was from God. But she knew this wasn't what he wanted. Some part of her felt guilty- it was her fault for getting Joseph into this situation.
Sure, God had sent an angel to convince Joseph that the baby was from God. So God hadn't totally left her alone. He had done one thing, at least. But it felt like... not enough. She didn't know it would be this hard.
And she felt the baby kick inside her... for months, she had felt the baby kick inside her, and she loved that baby already. She couldn't imagine making a different choice.
Joseph came back, breathless. "Mary, there's a barn. It's the best we can do." He took her hand and helped her stand up.
She gave birth in the barn, and laid her baby in the manger. They named him Jesus.
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Susanna's mother got her an apprenticeship with Sarah, the best quiltmaker in Nazareth. Sarah's shop was large, with quilts and reams of fabric stacked in piles everywhere. Sarah was experienced and efficient, bustling around the shop in a plain dress with her hair pulled back into a bun.
Susanna was, basically, starstruck. She had always been impressed by Sarah's business and success, and getting the chance to work with her and be taught by her was a dream come true. She found that Sarah wasn't just good at the quiltmaking itself, but at the business side of things- the customer experience, sourcing materials, communicating with other sellers, setting up efficient processes for the girls who worked for her.
Susanna vowed to work hard and learn everything she possibly could. She needed to earn money and provide for herself. She had seen how poor women in Nazareth had to beg or had to find a man to provide for them. She was terrified that she would be stuck in that life too. This apprenticeship could be her way out.
One afternoon, when Susanna was working at the shop, a tall man walked in. He looked around, spotted Sarah, and walked up to her with a smile. Sarah looked up from her work and greeted him, "Hi darling."
"Who's this?" Susanna whispered to one of the other girls.
"That's Elias, her husband."
"Hey, I'm going to need you to travel up to Capernaum for me," Sarah said to him. "Remember that vendor there with the special dye? Someone is asking me for a quilt made with that dye. I told him, it's expensive, but that's what he really wants. Would you be able to go try to buy the dye for me, maybe tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow..." said Elias. He nodded. "Okay, yes, tomorrow morning I can set off."
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"Where do you think we're supposed to get the pigeons?" Mary asked, carrying Jesus and sticking close to Joseph as they wove their way through the crowd around the temple in Jerusalem.
"Uh, I think usually there are some livestock sellers outside the main gate," Joseph said, not sounding very certain.
They found a place to buy 2 live pigeons, and Joseph handed over the money, even though the pigeons were more expensive than they expected. Mary wondered if they would have to skip meals on the journey back to Bethlehem. What if they didn't have enough money? She needed to breastfeed Jesus; it wasn't good for her to skip meals. Jesus slept soundly, resting against her body in the baby wrap that she wore.
They went into the temple, offered the pigeons as a sacrifice, and the priest circumcised Jesus. Jesus cried, and Mary held him and tried to calm him down.
Just then, an old man walked up to them. When he saw Jesus, he broke into a huge smile. "This is him? Yes! Come here, come here, young lady," he said. putting his hand on Mary's shoulder and leading her forward. Then he stopped in the open area in the temple courts, looked up to the sky, and prayed,
"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
you may now dismiss your servant in peace.
For my eyes have seen your salvation,
which you have prepared in the sight of all nations:
a light for revelation to the Gentiles,
and the glory of your people Israel."
Wow! Mary couldn't believe it. It was just like the angel had said! Her baby was bringing salvation, to Israel and all other nations too! She and Joseph looked at each other, thrilled.
The old man put his hand on Jesus' head. He seemed to be so moved, just seeing the baby Jesus. "This child..." he said, "this remarkable child." Then he turned to Mary, and said, "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed."
Incredible! Jesus was going to grow up to do amazing things, and Mary would get to see it all, firsthand.
He continued, looking Mary in the eye, "And a sword will pierce your own soul too."
Wow, that was a little bit terrifying, but she was sure she was ready. God would be with her. Even if it was hard, it would all be worth it. Sure, they might not have enough money for food on the journey back to Bethlehem, but somehow they would be okay. She was right where she should be, doing what God had called her to do.
"Anna!" the old man called out, waving to an old woman he saw walking nearby. "Anna, come come come! Come and see this child, who was prophesied about."
The woman, who had white hair that hung down in big loose curls, hurried over to them. She looked at Jesus, and then at the old man, and asked him, "Is he...?"
"Yes, yes!" answered the old man.
"Oh!" she exclaimed. She put one arm around Mary, and the other arm stroked Jesus' small shoulder. Jesus looked up at her with round, curious eyes. "We always knew this day would come. We have been waiting for the one who will bring salvation to Jerusalem. Thanks be to God!"
Anna also gave them some bread and fruit, for the trip back to Bethlehem. As Mary and Joseph walked along the dusty roads, Mary thought about everything that had happened. It was hard, it was so hard caring for the baby, breastfeeding him, waking up in the night. But even though her feet were tired, and her arms were tired, she felt so much excitement. She was part of God's plan, to bring salvation to the whole world. What could be more amazing than that?
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Things were going well at the quilt shop. Susanna had learned a lot of skills, and was proud of the quilts she made. When she started earning money of her own, she gave some to a blind woman she saw begging on the street.
One day, as Susanna and her mother were cooking, her mother said, "You should think about marriage."
Susanna grimaced. "Oh, no. I'm doing pretty well right now, and if there was a man in my life, he would want to change all this. I want to have my own shop someday, but if I was married, my husband wouldn't let me."
"Honey, I don't want you to think all men are like that, just because of what happened with Jacob--"
"No, they are, Mother."
"What about Elias and Sarah? You see how they are together. She asks him to run all kinds of errands for him, and he does it. She manages the shop, and he does whatever little tasks she tells him to."
"Yeah..." Susanna answered. "Okay fine, some men, out there somewhere, will let their wife run a business. But that doesn't help me, because where would I even find them?"
Her mother smiled. "I guess you didn't know- Sarah has a son."
Susanna looked at her, shocked. "She does?" Wow, now this could be a good thing.
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Joseph woke her in the middle of the night. "Mary, get up! Where's the baby?"
Half-asleep, Mary answered him, "He's in his bed... obviously... What's going on?"
Joseph was already throwing clothes into a bag. "We have to go."
Mary just looked at him, too sleepy to understand what was going on. Beside her, Jesus slept peacefully in his bed.
"Come on!" said Joseph. "It's, it's ..." He looked terrified, but he made himself slow down and look at her and say it. "Herod wants to kill him. We have to run."
And suddenly she was fully awake too. She jumped out of bed and picked up Jesus and held him close, horrified that anyone would try to take her precious baby from her. She tried to use one hand to pull on her clothes and shoes, and Jesus woke up and started to cry. "Shhhh, my baby, shhhhh, Mama's here."
And minutes later the three of them were rushing out the door, into the clear night. She couldn't even think straight about what she should bring, just grabbed some clothes, grabbed Jesus, and they ran. Joseph had put the gold, frankincense, and myrrh in the bag he carried on his back. Beyond that, they had nothing of real value.
All night they walked, in the silence, under the stars, away from that one brightest star that had led the Magi to their home. All night, Mary held Jesus close to her, thinking of how she would protect him no matter what.
It took weeks, but they finally arrived in a small town in Egypt, where Joseph felt they would be safe. And then... there was no danger anymore, just the day-to-day drudgery of trying to make a life in a foreign country. Joseph went out early every morning looking for work, and Mary stayed with Jesus, watched him learn to walk and then run. She talked to the other women there, tried to fit in, but it was hard because their lives were so different from hers. She couldn't cook the foods she used to cook in Nazareth or Bethlehem. Everything was different.
Some days she didn't want to get out of bed. Jesus would run to her and say "Mama, Mama" and she just couldn't take it. It was just too hard, being so far away from home. She remembered the night they had fled from Bethlehem, and somehow that night had been the easiest. She had been driven by her fear, and she knew she would do anything to save Jesus, she knew she would lay down her life for him... and something about that was easier, simpler, than the way she had to live in Egypt.
When she had said yes to that angel, several years before, she didn't know it would be like this. She didn't know she would end up in a foreign land, isolated and hopeless. She thought... she thought God would always be with her. She thought there would always be people who would help.
But she just... it was too much, it was too hard, and she had told Joseph several times, "I can't do this anymore," but he always said that Jesus wouldn't be safe if they took him back to Israel.
And then... she started feeling different. Started feeling nauseous every day. And she thought she might be pregnant again, but couldn't bear to think about it. She couldn't do it. Life was already too hard, and where was God? This was supposed to be an amazing adventure of faith and obedience and seeing God's power, but instead she just felt the weight of caring for her child and being so far from home. Feeling like she was stuck at the bottom of a hole. Every single day. And if she really was pregnant, that would be another weight on top of her. How could she keep going, in Egypt, giving birth and caring for a second child?
She didn't know how to tell Joseph. She couldn't face it. Couldn't tell him. She just tried to hope it wasn't real.
Then one day, Joseph woke her up with a huge smile. "Mary, we can go back to Israel. Herod has died." He hugged her, and she cried and cried. It was like, she didn't even realize how bad it was, how hopeless she had been, until she was able to start to get out of it.
They went back to Nazareth. She gave birth to a son- Joseph's son. They named him James. Life was still hard, and they were still poor, but it felt so good to be home.
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Susanna overheard two of the customers in the shop. "Terrible, what happened in Bethlehem."
"What, what happened?" she asked, as she worked carefully with her needle to sew a quilt together.
"Well, the king sent soldiers, to kill baby boys. Trying to kill all the baby boys in Bethlehem. Honestly, it just makes him look insecure, if you ask me."
"Oh... that's awful," said Susanna.
What if she had gotten pregnant back then, when the angel came? And what if she lived in Bethlehem, instead of Nazareth? Then it would be her baby in danger- she would be up against Roman soldiers, trying her best to protect him.
It was horrifying to think about. Made her feel like, there is no way she's ready to have kids, because terrible things like that can happen.
She was betrothed to Micah now- Sarah and Elias's son. She and Micah had discussed it, and were planning to have kids in a few years. She hoped she would be strong and brave enough to be a good mother and protect the kids from all the harsh things in the world.
But, fortunately, she didn't have to worry about it yet. She focused on her sewing again.
Terrible, what happened in Bethlehem, though.
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James was an easier baby than Jesus was. Maybe it was because Mary and Joseph had more experience and knew what they were doing. Maybe it was because they had family in Nazareth who could help them. Maybe it was because Mary had always felt guilty over how much work Joseph had had to do for a child who wasn't even his- but James really was Joseph's son, so the guilt was gone.
The years passed, and Mary had 3 more sons: Joses, Simon, and Judas. 5 sons in all; 4 of them were Joseph's. She felt good, to be able to give him 4 sons. She felt like she owed him. Even though Joseph never complained, Mary still felt bad that he had been dragged into this whole virgin-birth thing. It hadn't been his choice at all.
Joseph trained Jesus and James to work as carpenters, just like him. They were good at it, and were able to earn enough money... but still, Mary always worried. 5 children was a lot of mouths to feed. One of her cousins was a butcher, and occasionally sent her some meat for free. Mary was so grateful; it was the only time they were able to eat meat.
Her days were filled with the hard work of carrying water and cooking. Raising her sons, making sure they didn't run off, teaching them to be good children. Worrying about money. It was hard, and it was exhausting, and sometimes she felt like things would have been so much easier if she hadn't had her first child so early.
She had been so young back then. She hadn't been ready- she could see that now. If only they could have waited till after Joseph got his carpentry business established in Nazareth. If only they hadn't had to flee to Egypt. If only she and Joseph could have had time to focus on their own marriage first.
When the angel came to her, all those years ago... could she have said no?
One night, when Jesus was 10 years old, and Mary lay in bed unable to sleep, she realized that she could have said no. At the time, of course she didn't know that. She only knew that God was calling her, and wasn't that just the best and most exciting thing, to have God Himself calling her? She didn't know what it would really be like.
Of course she hadn't realized she had a choice, back then. But God must have given her a choice, right? If she had said no, she didn't want to give birth to the Son of God, then ... that wasn't the kind of mother he would want. And to have her body changing from the pregnancy, which she didn't even want... fighting against and hating what was happening to her own body... she didn't believe that God would do that.
She had said yes so fast to that angel. It was because she didn't know anything, she thought bitterly.
But... if she had said no to the angel, then she wouldn't have Jesus. She thought about his excitement as he worked on making furniture with Joseph. She thought about his creativity, carving animals in the leftover pieces of wood in the shop. Just that day, he had carved a dove, and he had run home to show her.
She couldn't imagine life without him. The timing hadn't been ideal, but... if she had said no, then she wouldn't have Jesus. She wouldn't have the long conversations where he asked her all kinds of questions about society and life and babies and cooking and everything else. She wouldn't get to see his enthusiasm for working with Joseph, his hands covered in sawdust. She wouldn't get to hold him when he cried. And she wouldn't have his little wooden dove.
It was hard, and if she had known back then how hard it would be, she probably would have said no. But she loved Jesus and she couldn't imagine life without him.
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Susanna and Micah got married, and started their own quilt shop together. Business went well, and when Susanna got pregnant, she hired a young girl to help with some of the physical tasks that she couldn't do.
Her first child was a boy. They named him Jethro. When he was born, relatives came from all over Nazareth to help Susanna and Micah- cooking for them, washing clothes, holding the baby so Susanna could rest. She hired a second girl, Abagail, to take over some more tasks at the shop. Abagail was very young, but eager to learn, and had a lot of energy to run around and carry things, when Susanna just felt exhausted.
After a few years, Susanna gave birth to a girl, Joanna, and then another girl, Hannah.
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Joseph passed away, and Jesus and James took over the carpentry business. The other boys were too young; Joseph hadn't had a chance to train them yet. Mary hoped that they might be able to work as apprentices for their relatives or neighbors. They needed the money.
Jesus was a good kid, but sometimes Mary thought he was almost too good. Too idealistic.
He talked about his father- and he meant God, not Joseph. He talked about how important it was for him to be doing his father's work, but he didn't mean making furniture to earn money, he meant things like sitting outside talking with the crippled men at the city gate.
It was like... he thought everything was going to be okay, that he was going to put "God's work" first, and everything else would magically fall into place.
But what could Mary say? That was exactly what she was like when she was young. Before she was beaten down by reality, by the day-to-day struggle to feed her family. It didn't matter how hard you believed that "God will provide" or some nice things like that- that's not how the real world works. Sometimes you go to bed hungry, and that's just the way it is.
But Jesus really believed that love was the answer. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. He believed that God is with us... and actually, Mary believed that too. She had to; she was the one who had gotten pregnant and given birth while still a virgin. Of course that was from God, and the child was the Son of God. She had experienced it herself, of course she had to believe it.
But that was so long ago, and life was so hard, raising 5 sons. It didn't feel true anymore.
One day when Jesus was 30 years old, he announced that he was going to quit carpentry because God had called him to preach the good news. Mary groaned. "Honey... can we take some time to think about this? Is this really realistic?" she asked.
"I have to do my father's will," he said.
She knew there was no way she could talk him out of it. No point even trying. And she had been the exact same way when she was young.
Jesus left a few days later. After 2 months, he came back home and told Mary, "So they tried to throw me off a cliff!" He laughed as he said it.
"They what? Who?" she asked, shocked.
"I went to the synagogue, and I preached from the scroll of Isaiah, proclaiming freedom for the prisoners, healing for the blind, setting the oppressed free!" He looked so glad and hopeful as he said it; she knew he believed it with all his heart.
"And then," he continued, "they didn't believe that I had come to fulfill the prophecy. They said, 'Isn't this Joseph's son?' Well, you know that a prophet is not accepted in his hometown. Think about the widows in Israel during the time of Elijah- but God didn't send him to any of them, he sent him to a widow in Zarepath." (Mary regretted ever telling him about Elijah and the widow of Zarepath.) "And then, they got up and tried to throw me off a cliff! But I got away!" he said triumphantly.
Mary was speechless, and for a fleeting moment she wished that she had never told him about the whole ... virgin birth thing. Wouldn't everything have been easier if he just believed Joseph was his father? But no, that wasn't reasonable, of course she had told him.
"Honey..." she began, unsure of what to say. "This sounds dangerous. Don't you think maybe you shouldn't preach... such provocative..."
"Mother, I have to do my father's work," he said.
There was no use arguing with him. He really believed it, just like she used to believe it.
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They were at a wedding, and Susanna had a headache. She told Micah she had to get away from the crowds and partying for a few minutes.
She wandered around to the back of the tents, where the servants would be preparing food. There was a small stool there, and Susanna sat down and closed her eyes. It was good to be away from the noise.
After a few minutes, she heard voices nearby. "Jesus, come here, come here! They have no more wine!"
Susanna tried to ignore them. She tried to rest her head, as people poured water in the background. A lot of water. Then a commotion, and servants exclaiming, "It's wine! It's turned into wine! Taste this, it's incredible!" At first she wished they would be quiet, because of her headache, but then she started to wonder what was going on. Had that man- Jesus- just... made wine, somehow?
Finally, it seemed that they had all left, and it was quiet. Susanna glanced up, and saw just one woman still standing there, near the huge jars.
"Wow..." the woman said. "Wow, it's wine, it's really wine." She ran her hand along the rim of the jar, seemingly amazed.
And then, a minute later, the woman said quietly, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you... it's real..." And Susanna sat straight up and gasped.
Why would this woman be saying the exact same thing that the angel had said to Susanna? Could she have known about it somehow? But Susanna hadn't told anyone. Her mind raced. And this woman, she thought, and the man she had spoken to, oh goodness, she called him Jesus, and that was the exact name that the angel had said she should name her son, and, and, and-
The entire world seemed to stop. What if- what if- all those years ago, when Susanna had said no, what if God went and chose someone else, and here she was, and here was her son Jesus, oh wow.
Could it be? No, no... Susanna told herself to calm down, and not jump to conclusions. But she felt so excited and desperate- she just had to know.
She stood up, and she could see the deep red of the liquid in the jars. It looked like wine- but where had it come from? She was pretty sure that earlier, the servants had been pouring water in. Maybe they were pouring wine in, and she hadn't been paying attention? But why would they do that? But if it had been water, it couldn't just turn into wine... but everyone had been so astonished and said that's exactly what happened. And now there was a woman talking about the power of the Most High, just like the angel had said to Susanna... This was very weird, and she had to figure out what was going on.
She saw one of the servants walking by, and she recognized him. His name was Hosea, and he had come to her shop to pick up a quilt a few months before. A big one with a flower embroidered on it. Susanna rushed over to him and asked, "Who was that man? The one who told you to pour the water into the jars?"
"That's Jesus."
"How old is he?" Susanna demanded.
"He's 30," Hosea answered. Susanna quickly did the math- and yes, that's the age her baby would have been. Hosea continued, "And he's single. If you want me to introduce him to your daughter, I can, but to be honest I don't think you'll have much luck. His mother has been trying to find a girl for him but he refuses. My opinion, not that anyone asked me, I would say his head is kind of in the clouds. This wine is really good though, I can see why you'd want him around."
Susanna only half-listened, as she tried to think of what else she could ask, to confirm it.
Hosea continued, "Listen, here's what I would do, I would try to set your girl up with one of his brothers. You probably have a much better chance-"
"Brothers?" Susanna sputtered. If he had an older brother, then it wouldn't have been a virgin birth, and then... "Are, are, is he older or younger?"
"He's the oldest of 5 brothers," Hosea answered.
The oldest! "And, and, his mother-" Susanna started to say.
"Mary."
"Mary. Does she have any, any, does she, does she have any daughters who are older than him?"
Hosea looked a bit puzzled, then said, "Oh, for your son. Ah no, sorry to say, no daughters in their family."
She felt that her thoughts were going in all different directions. His name was Jesus. He was 30 years old, which was the right age. He was Mary's oldest son, and- well, of course a virgin birth is impossible, but if it did happen, it would be the oldest child. He had turned water into wine- a miracle. And she had heard his mother say the exact words that the angel had said to her, all those years ago.
It had to be true. After Susanna turned the angel's offer down, he must have found this other girl, Mary, and she had actually done it. And that meant, as the angel had said, this Jesus was the Son of God.
"Have you tried the wine, though?" asked Hosea. "It's really the best I've ever had. Hey don't stress so much, I'm sure you'll find a wife for your son." And with that, he handed her a cup of wine, turned around, and left.
She stood there, and thought about how her life could have gone. It had been years since she had thought about that weird visit from the angel when she was 14 years old. But, wow, someone else- Mary- had really said yes to that, and then Mary got to raise the Son of God. She got to breastfeed him, to teach him to walk, teach him to behave... to watch him grow into a man. And see him turn water into wine.
For a moment, Susanna wished that she had that. But then she would never have met Micah. She wouldn't have her quilt shop. She wouldn't have her 3 kids- Jethro, Joanna, and Hannah. She thought about her son, Jethro, and how he looked so much like his father, except that Micah kept his beard looking nice, and Jethro's was a mess. Susanna had tried for years to tell him to take care of his beard, but now she had basically given up. And now, Jethro had just bought a house, and Susanna had been helping him move his things there, and actually there was one section of the roof that Jethro thought should be fixed, and Susanna had told him that she would contact someone to look at it, ah, she had forgotten to do that, she would have to do it right away when she and Micah got back to Nazareth...
This was her life; Jethro, Joanna, Hannah, and all the joy and work of raising them. Beards and houses and roofs, that was her life, and it would have all gone differently if she had said yes to that angel. And, she reminded herself, way back when she was 14, there was no way it would have worked. It wasn't really a real possibility.
For a moment, here at this wedding, she wished that she had been the one to give birth to Jesus. But it was just a wild dream, nothing more.
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Mary heard that Jesus had stirred up some trouble by healing on the Sabbath, and by preaching against the Pharisees' hypocrisy.
Part of her was glad to hear that he had healed on the Sabbath. He was doing good, helping people, and making a statement that doing good was more important than following all the little rules. At the same time, though, she worried, because she knew that people would be mad about it. Of course there would be people who were threatened by the idea that doing good was better than obeying their rules.
Did Jesus know what he was getting himself into? It was like he was just naively wandering into this politically volatile situation, with the Romans and the temple leaders, and thinking that something as simple as caring for a person in need could magically solve all of society's problems.
He wasn't just healing someone; he was making a statement. And he knew it. And Mary agreed with that statement, but wished Jesus hadn't made it, because it was risky. What could she possibly say to him though? She had already tried, and he always told her that he needed to do his Father's will, he had no other choice.
But she worried about him, every day when he was traveling somewhere, preaching. He didn't even have a real job. He relied on the hospitality of the crowds who followed him.
One evening, her son James came to see her after working in his shop all day. "Mother," he said. "Today I heard rumors that Jesus said our society is worse than Ninevah. At the judgment, the men of Ninevah will condemn this place, because they repented when Jonah preached, and we have not. People were talking about it today, Mother. It's not good that he's saying these things. I have to try to go talk to him."
Mary was terrified... but it absolutely did sound like something that Jesus would say. And she agreed with the general sentiment, though she would never say it in those words in public. She shook her head. Where was he now? Her son, her baby. Why couldn't he just come home and be safe? Why couldn't he just be a carpenter like Joseph and James?
When the angel had told her that the baby would be the Son of God, she didn't know it meant he would be preaching provocative things and getting himself in trouble all the time. That he couldn't just... be a normal human.
"Mother," James said, putting his arm around her. "I have to go and talk with him."
"I'll come with you," she said softly.
So Mary and her sons James, Joses, Simon, and Judas all set out to find Jesus and try to convince him to come home.
They asked around, and found out which house he was preaching in. When they got there, there was no way to get to him, because of the huge crowd. There must have been hundreds of people- men, women, and children- all trying to get a glimpse of him and hear what he was saying.
"Let us through," James said, trying to get to the door of the house. "We're his brothers, and here is his mother. We need to talk to him."
They couldn't get through, but people in the crowd noticed them, and someone near the front was able to get Jesus' attention and tell him that his mother and brothers were there.
"Who are my mother and brothers?" Mary heard Jesus say. "These are my mother and brothers! Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother."
The crowd seemed to love this answer; Mary heard some people cheering and clapping. Apparently they were delighted at the idea that they could be Jesus' mother and brothers. They don't know anything, she thought angrily. They don't know what it's really like. It's awful.
James led the group of them back out of the crowd. They walked home, some of them angry and some of them sad. Joses was muttering to himself, "Who does he think he is?"
That night, Mary thought of the angel's words: "For nothing is impossible with God." That idea now seemed so far away, disconnected from anything real. She thought of what the old man at the temple had said: "A sword will pierce your own soul too." Yes, that was a much more accurate description of her life.
She felt like she had lost Jesus. He was so focused on this mission from God, and he didn't even want to talk to her. Why couldn't he come home and be safe and be her little boy again? They used to laugh together, and he used to carve animals in the scraps of wood at the shop. He used to play games with his brothers, running around outside, chasing each other and squealing. He used to help care for his brothers Simon and Judas, right after they were born and Mary was overwhelmed and needed help- Jesus was there and he knew how to hold them and care for them.
But now he had all these ideas about how he had to "do his Father's will," and she had lost him.
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Susanna was aware that Jesus was out there, preaching, gaining followers, performing miracles and healings. She knew he was the Son of God.
But then she went to listen to him teach a few times, and she saw him heal people, and she knew he was more than the Son of God.
He was unlike anyone else. The way he taught- about the kingdom of God, the least of these, loving your neighbor- it was so real and true and what the world needed to hear. The way he interacted with people, the way he stopped to talk with those who came to him asking for help, not paying attention to whether they were poor or disabled or unclean- he treated them like they really mattered, and like God really did love them. He was focused on the kingdom of God, a vision of how the world could be better, could be completely different, and he preached it everywhere he went. And he was so dedicated to God, so confident in his mission, so awed and desperate for God, he would sometimes go off alone for hours or days, just to pray.
He was the Son of God- Susanna knew that simply because the evidence all pointed to Mary having accepted the call to give birth as a virgin- but he was more than that. He was the Light of the World. He was the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He was going to change the world.
She could have been the one to be his mother, but now that she knew Who he was, it was an overwhelming thought. An incredible task, being the one to raise such an amazing and world-changing man. Mostly, she was glad she hadn't accepted the angel's offer. It was too huge; she didn't know if she would really have been able to handle it.
But she did what she could to support him. She sent money for him and his disciples to buy food when they traveled. A few times, she hosted them in her home. She was so glad she had her quilt business and the steady income that came with it, enabling her to send money to Jesus without worrying about her own needs.
One day, Susanna and Abagail (who was now in charge of communicating with customers outside of Nazareth) were visiting customers in Jerusalem. While they were there, they heard Jesus had been arrested, and Susanna knew she had to go and find him. She left Abagail- she would have no problem handling the business deal on her own- and, still carrying her bag of fabric samples, hurried to the public square where Jesus was on trial before Pilate.
The crowd was so big, so loud and agitated. "What's going on?" she tried to ask the people around her. She couldn't see Jesus at all.
People were shouting, "Crucify him! Crucify him!" Susanna couldn't believe it. This couldn't happen; Jesus was the Son of God. He couldn't be crucified. They needed him, they all needed him! He was going to be the one to save them and change the world!
"What happened?" she frantically asked the people near her in the crowd.
"He wants to set himself up as a king!" one answered.
It wasn't true, no, it wasn't true! Why wouldn't someone do something? This couldn't happen. Where was God?
The crowd started to move forward, in a frenzy, as Jesus was led away to be crucified. Susanna still couldn't see anything that was happening. She clutched her bag tightly as she was pushed along by the crowd.
They walked all the way out of the city, to Golgotha. Finally the crowd thinned out, and Susanna could see what was going on. 3 crosses. 3 men were crucified, and Jesus was there on the cross in the center.
She knelt down on the ground and cried. She could barely even look at him; he had been beaten so badly, completely covered in blood. How could this happen? He was the Son of God! He had healed so many people, performed so many miracles- why couldn't he have stopped this and saved himself? We need him, she thought. He was supposed to be the one to save us.
Some distance away from her, she saw a man and woman standing there, also looking at Jesus. Susanna recognized the woman as Mary, Jesus' mother, and the man as one of his disciples. In a raspy, belabored voice, Jesus called out to them, "Woman, here is your son," and to the man, "Here is your mother." He sounded like he could barely breathe.
He was telling the disciple to care for his mother. And Susanna realized, it could have been her. She felt like she was losing everything, kneeling at the cross where Jesus was crucified, but Mary was losing everything in a completely different way. At least Jethro, Joanna, and Hannah were safe.
After a while, Jesus cried out, "It is finished!" The sky grew darker and darker. Susanna stayed there at the cross, crying. Her bag of fabric samples lay on the ground beside her.
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Mary saw his body when he was taken down from the cross. Lifeless, covered in blood, his back completely torn up from the flogging, a crown of thorns on his head.
Her son. She had worried about him for so long. She had feared this. He was gone... Why couldn't he have just stayed in Nazareth and worked as a carpenter? Why did he have to try and do all these grandiose things for God?
She should have tried harder to convince him to come back home. She should have... but... He wouldn't have listened. Even after he was arrested, he didn't even try to defend himself. He had stood before the chief priest and declared that he was the Son of Man, who would be seated at the right hand of God. He had stood before Pilate and said that he was a king, but his kingdom was not of this world. He had even told the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise."
Why? Why didn't he even try to defend himself? Didn't he see that this was real, this was life-and-death, not one of those cute stories they tell children about doing the right thing. In the real world, innocent people are targeted and killed, and the best way to survive is just... just try to stay out of the way.
Wow, Mary thought, when had she become so cynical? She remembered when the angel had visited her at age 14, and she was so eager to say yes to God. She thought it was an amazing adventure, and God had chosen her, and all those warm fuzzy feelings. And then, real life had happened. God put a miracle in her, and then sent her off into the cruel world, where that miracle was beaten down over and over, until they killed him, because he didn't belong here.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
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A week later, Susanna was back in the quilt shop in Nazareth. Life seemed to go on. She continued to do her job- measuring the fabric, sewing, keeping everything in the shop organized. The sadness was there in the back of her mind- how everything that Jesus preached about had been lost. His vision of making the world right, the first will be last and the last will be first, was just a fantasy.
But she was okay. She had to be okay.
Until the day she heard two of her regular customers talking in the shop. One of them, a tall woman, said, "Some of Jesus' followers are saying they saw him alive! Can you believe that?"
"Alive?" the other customer answered, and laughed.
Susanna answered without even thinking. "Where?" Her voice was louder than she intended, and she stared at them with wild eyes. Abagail also stopped what she was doing, bent over a table examining her quilt pattern, her long hair braided all down her back.
When no one answered, Susanna asked again, "Where?!"
"Jerusalem..." one of them said.
And somehow, somehow Susanna believed it. She believed that Jesus was alive again. He was the Son of God- if anyone could do it, it was him. Like the angel had said, "For nothing is impossible with God."
"I have to go see him..." she said.
"I'm coming with you," said Abagail.
The two of them packed a few things and hurried to Jerusalem as fast as they could.
When they got there, Susanna contacted Rachel, a rich woman who had hosted Jesus in her home before. "Yes, it's true," she said to Susanna and Abagail. "Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, he was buried, he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures. He is alive. I've seen him."
But things were still dangerous, Rachel told them. The disciples wanted to keep Jesus' location a secret from the authorities, while still allowing his followers to see him. Rachel told them about a gathering that would be happening outside the city, where it was rumored that Jesus might appear.
They got there early in the morning, when the dew was still on the ground, but there was already a large crowd. And standing on top of a hill in the distance was Jesus. He was alive! The crowd around them was buzzing with excitement and happiness, and they couldn't hear anything Jesus was saying, so far away.
People pushed to try to get closer to Jesus. Susanna had experienced that many times before- people pushing to get to Jesus- but this time it was even more intense. Abagail was also pushing to get closer to him, and as the people jostled, she was pushed further and further away. Susanna strained to see Abagail's long braid, until eventually she had to give up, lost in the crowd.
But Susanna was excited just to see Jesus from a distance. He was alive! It was true, it was all true! Where, o death, is your victory? Jesus really was the Resurrection and the Life, and he was changing the world.
Hours later, Abagail finally met up with Susanna again, and they started on their way back to Nazareth. "I saw the nail marks in his hands," said Abagail. "I touched his hands." There were tears in her eyes. "He is the Son of God."
Susanna believed it. She hadn't gotten to touch him herself, but she believed it with all her heart.
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Mary couldn't stop hugging him and crying. He was alive! He had come back to her.
"It's just as Moses and the prophets said, Mother. I had to suffer and die and rise again."
He still had that pure, idealistic faith, and she loved him for it.
She thought of everything that had happened. How she had said yes to that angel, how she had given birth in a barn. How she tried to keep him from crying at night, always worried he would wake up Joseph, always worried that Joseph resented her for dragging him into this. How she had carried him and fled to Egypt. All the nights that she went hungry so that her children could have food to eat. All the arguments that she and Jesus had had, and how she constantly worried for his safety. How "a sword will pierce your own soul too."
It was all worth it, Mary thought, as she held her risen Son in her arms. It was real, what the angel had said, "For nothing is impossible with God."
And when Jesus told her that he was leaving to go up to heaven and sit at the right hand of his Father, she knew it was what he needed to do. She didn't try to stop him. She was just glad she had been able to know him, to be his mom, to experience miracles firsthand, to hold him again after he conquered death.
"My soul glorifies the Lord," Mary said, "and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior."
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She always wondered, what if she had made a different choice? But this was her life; she was proud of what she had done, the person she had become, and everything she had lived through. She wouldn't trade it for anything.
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