"Moon Knight" and Boundaries With God

Layla, in her superhero outfit. Image source.

[content note: spoilers for the Marvel tv show "Moon Knight"]

Okay I want to talk about one part of episode 6 of "Moon Knight" (the final episode of season 1). After Marc/Steven is killed (don't worry, he gets better), Layla finds the stone statue of the Egyptian god Khonshu, and breaks it to release Khonshu. Khonshu had previously used Marc/Steven (this is one physical person with several personalities) as his "avatar", but he was no longer using him as an avatar due to being imprisoned in a stone statue. After Layla frees Khonshu, Khonshu says he needs an avatar, in order to fight against the Egyptian goddess Ammit. He wants to use Layla as his avatar. She says no.

She says no.

She says no! I love it!

(Actually the first thing she says is, "Are you joking?" I love it!)

Layla had seen how much Marc had suffered as Khonshu's avatar. (Being an "avatar" of an Egyptian god means you get superpowers from the god, but also they control your life to some extent. Some gods seem to be nicer about it than others.) She tells Khonshu, "Marc didn't trust you. I don't trust you." She says no.

Khonshu tells her he needs a human avatar to save the world or whatever, and she still says no. 

As an ex-evangelical, I feel like there's a lot you could say about "Moon Knight" and the evangelical Christian concept of having "a personal relationship with God." A bit of background about me: I had a "personal relationship with God" for a long time. I was so devoted, desperate, passionate, submissive... It was all about him, all the time, I was so obsessed. I woke up early every day to read the bible. I prayed on my knees in my dorm room. I "took captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ"- any wisp of a thought I had that could be sinful, I stamped it down and then threw myself on his mercy and repented of it. I sacrificed so much for him. Anything I wanted, anything I cared about, anything I had worked hard for, I knew I had to throw it away at a moment's notice if that's what God told me to do, and if I felt sad about it, well that was a sin.

That relationship... it was overwhelming, it was my entire life, and after I got out of it, I concluded that it had been abusive.

There were 2 big things that damaged my relationship with God, and led to my leaving it behind:

1. I found out that Christian leaders had lied to me about a lot of things- the biggest one being LGBTQ rights. I listened to queer people's stories, and found that actually, the "traditional" teaching about being queer- which is that it's wrong and you need to repress yourself, and if you pray hard enough then God will turn you straight- actually leads to depression and suicide. And accepting yourself leads to life. I discovered that queer people weren't evil and trying to destroy marriage or whatever. They're just normal people.

And more than that, I discovered that evangelicals had lied to me about so many different groups of people. They said non-Christians can't ever be happy because they have a "God-shaped hole" in their hearts- well, that's not true. They said atheists secretly know that God exists, but pretend they don't believe in him, because they want to sin. They said everyone who gets an abortion will regret it. They said everyone who has unmarried sex will regret it and never be able to have a good marriage. (It ROCKED MY WORLD the first time I happened across a blog post where someone wrote "I had premarital sex and I don't regret it." That's also why I published my own post after I got married- I’m Really Really REALLY Glad I Had Sex Before Marriage.) They said all other religions are about trying to earn your way to heaven, and that can never really satisfy people, but Christianity is different.

So much of evangelical Christian teaching is built on the idea that "these other groups of people are wrong about their own personal lives, and we know better." It was all stereotypes and strawmen- no one ever said "let's actually listen to people who are different from us, to find out what they think"- of course no one ever said that, and it never even occurred to me that that's what we should be doing. You can't give those false teachers a platform and actually listen to their voices- that could lead us astray! We need Christian leaders to act as translators to make sure the message gets packaged in a way that doesn't challenge our existing beliefs. 

We only "listened" so that we could tailor our evangelism sales pitches better.

Anyway, I found out about all this, and so I changed my beliefs. But God didn't change. I changed because I discovered new information- but what was God's excuse? He knew all this, all along, and he used me to preach bigotry against queer people.

I discovered my God was a monster, and I had to leave him, and it hurt because that was my whole self- my identity was in Christ.

2. I found out about systemic racism. Yes, it turns out, as a white American I have privilege that people of color don't have. (This was when I lived in the US- I'm in China now, and it's different.) Racism is a sin that's built into the structures of American society- and I prayed to God every day and God NEVER SAID ONE WORD TO ME ABOUT IT? WTF??? Police brutality, mass incarceration, underfunded schools, wage gap, wealth gap, redlining, maternal mortality, discrimination in various places in everyday life, etc etc etc... Our whole culture is full of the sin of racism, and I didn't even know about it??? 

God was extremely busy giving me rules about what romantic feelings I was or wasn't allowed to have, but he never told me that I benefit from centuries of white supremacy? WTF????

On paper I believed that God loved everyone of all races equally. All people of all races are equally made in the image of God. But my God sure didn't act like it.

For example: Christians pray for God to help them find a new job- but how could I pray for that, now that I had found out that candidates with "black-sounding" names are less likely to get called for job interviews? How could I believe that me getting a job was somehow caused by God, when in reality white privilege also played a role in it? Maybe God should focus less on helping me, and more on eliminating the racism that exists in the hiring process.

So, those 2 things are the main reasons my personal relationship with God ended.

It turns out, I wasn't simply in a relationship with "God" or even "the Christian God" or "Jesus." I was in a relationship with one specific version of God. One specific version of Jesus, the version preached in the white American evangelical church. I thought He was the only God- it was Him or nothing, Him or no God at all. That's not true. There are many versions of God to choose from. Even within Christianity, there are many different versions of Jesus.

And now I choose Them myself. I don't let any church or pastor choose my God for me and say that's my only option. I only choose a God that I can in good conscience follow.

(And of course, the reason I thought there was only 1 option for which God to believe in was because of evangelicals completely misrepresenting and lying about people who believe differently than them. [See above, point number 1 of why I ended my "personal relationship with God."] Of course I knew that some people "claimed to be Christians" but didn't believe all the same things we did. I was taught that those people were rebelling against "the clear teaching of Scripture" and didn't actually care about the bible or God or truth or right and wrong. They were "watering down the gospel" to make it "inoffensive." They were "capitulating to the culture" instead of "standing firm for God's truth." They "made God in their own image" whereas we followed the real God even when it cost us. Those people were fake Christians who were just trying to take the easy way out. I'm sure that's what the evangelicals are saying about me now.)

After that, I decided I will never have a "personal relationship with" a god again. I will never worship again. Yes, I believe in God, and I like to think I follow Jesus' teachings- but I do it on my own terms. I believe things because they make sense to me, because I can see the reasons why they are moral and right. No more of this "God is making me do something and I don't know why but I just have to trust and obey"- never again. I was taught that was the definition of "faith" and it was a very important part of being a Christian. No, I don't believe that any more. That's not "faith", that's "giving cover to authoritarian leaders who want to control everyone's lives and use God as an excuse."

I'm never going to have a "personal relationship" with a god again, because the power imbalance just makes it impossible for it to not be abusive. (For me personally. Maybe for other people, it works because they have a different understanding of what "personal relationship with God" means.) Imagine trying to make major life decisions, about getting married, moving to a different place, finding a new job, having kids- and there's Someone in your mind and in your heart who knows everything, every detail of every possible outcome, and They give you some indication of which option to choose. It means you have no choice anymore, because how can you go against a suggestion from an omniscient being?

(Or rather, in practice, it becomes a game of trying to figure out whether random happenings and weird thoughts that pop up in your head are "signs from God". [And guess what, if you get it wrong, it's YOUR FAULT! Probably you're so sinful that, even though on some level you knew what God was telling you to do, you selfishly chose what you wanted instead!] Rather than, you know, actually comparing the actual real-life facts you have about your options.)

I don't want Them here, in my head. I set a boundary, and I engage with Them on my own terms. I don't pray because it's too intimate; that's a boundary I have.

I love Them. I still do. Of course I do. And any God who can't accept this boundary is not worthy of being my God.

There was a period of time when I was going to a "small group" at an international church in Shanghai, and we were reading a book about "spiritual disciplines" and there was one chapter about how you should dedicate your whole life to God, 100%, don't hold back, and it went on and on and on about how it's so HARD but it's the RIGHT choice... And I didn't like it. I told these church people, it's NOT necessarily a good thing to devote your life to Jesus, if it's a bad version of Jesus. Make sure you really do the work beforehand to investigate whether that god is worthy of your devotion. Because I was devoted to a bad version of Jesus before, and it was bad.

SOOO ANYWAY. Moon Knight. Marc definitely had a "personal relationship with god" and it was toxic and he wanted to get out. (Arthur Harrow, the main villain from the show, had also been Khonshu's avatar before, and Harrow says it devastated and broke him too.) Layla knows all this, and so when Khonshu says he needs to use her as his avatar, she says NO.

Even when Khonshu tries to tell her she needs to do it because the world is at stake or whatever. She says no. Here's a lesson I wish I had learned a lot sooner: When someone tells you that you *have to* do something, that doesn't necessarily mean you *have to* do it. You should only do it if it benefits you. I'm thinking specifically of things like jobs and contracts and being told "you have to sign this"- well, just because someone says "you have to sign this" doesn't really mean you have to. First make sure you understand what it is you're agreeing to, and if there's any part that you're not okay with, you can say no. Obviously, if you say no, then that means the other party also doesn't have to hold up their end of the deal- but make sure you understand all of it before agreeing to anything. And sometimes they want you to sign something that doesn't benefit you- don't sign it. Even if they say "you have to."*

Layla is willing to work with Khonshu, but not willing to give herself to him as his avatar. Boundaries.

Later, the Egyptian gods resurrect Marc/Steven, and Marc/Steven negotiate with Khonshu before agreeing to be Khonshu's avatar again. I love it. (However, in the after-credits scene we find that Khonshu is still lying to Marc/Steven, so, uh, still didn't totally work out...) Also, Layla becomes the avatar for the goddess Taweret- see, she considered her options and found a god who would be better for her than Khonshu.

It also makes me think about Mary, the mother of Jesus, when she was visited by the angel and told that she would become pregnant and give birth to the Son of God. Could she have said no? Would she have been better off if she had said no? I kind of want to write a fanfic where God chose a different young woman, but when the angel goes to tell her, she turns him down, and Mary is the second choice. (Maybe God wanted to pick someone who didn't have a good understanding of boundaries, who didn't know she could say no.) (UPDATE: And here it is! Mary's Choice.)

(And don't get me started on Jonah.)

So this is my advice: Set boundaries with God. Don't do things just because "God said"; only do things that have good reasons to back them up. That requires using your own mind to evaluate the situation, rather than just "obeying" or "submitting to God." Because honestly, there's no such thing as simply "submitting to God"- you're submitting to a specific version of God, and you have to do the work first to make sure it's a god that is worth that.

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Related:

Captain Marvel, Boundaries, and Why I Don't Go To Church 

They Prayed About It (a post about the #NashvilleStatement)

I Didn't Like the Ocean in "Moana" Because it was Too Much Like God

It Was Beautiful When Star-Lord Rejected the Gospel

If Thanos Tells You To Build An Ark, You Say No 

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* Okay I want to elaborate about this career advice, since nobody ever explained it to me clearly. This is way off-topic so I'm just putting it here in a footnote at the end:

If there are things you have to sign to start a job, and you refuse to sign them, then that probably means you lose the job. So, in most cases, yes, you would sign everything they want you to sign. But there is a possibility that the documents they want you to sign would put you in a bad position, and actually you're better off without that job. So do be aware of that possibility, and read everything, just to make sure. Typically, though, it is normal that when you start a job, you have to sign a bunch of things- I don't think you need to be scared that they're trying to screw you over- typically these are all very normal: contract, non-compete agreement, confidentiality, those types of things. Definitely read them all and make sure you understand, though. And maybe it would also be useful to do research to get an understanding of what's "normal", so you know when something doesn't seem right. And then go ahead and sign them.

(Yes you will definitely have to sign things to start a job. Of course! And it benefits you to sign a contract; otherwise what guarantee do you have that the company will pay you? The contract obligates you to do things, and the company to do things. You need that. Just make sure that the things it obligates you to are reasonable.)

On the other hand, if you are leaving a job on bad terms, and they want you to sign something that seems a little shady, what benefit is there to you? If you don't sign it, what are they going to do to you, since you're leaving anyway? Only sign it if it benefits you. (I'm thinking of this example from Workplace Stack Exchange. The entire situation is a disaster, please don't take any of it as a model for normal behavior- but in particular, there was one part where the company wanted the developers to all sign something to say they are not the one who sabotaged the code, and a senior developer told them all not to sign it because there was no benefit to them. I very much recommend Workplace Stack Exchange- you can learn a lot about how the real world works and how to have boundaries and a realistic view of what's what.)

Please don't let "I am supposed to be a good kid and sign it because they said I have to sign it, and I should follow the rules" be a factor. Seriously, forget about that, that should not influence your decision at all. HR is just people, same as you; they're not some kind of objective authority figure who deserves your obedience. 

Of course, "if I don't sign it, they will be mad at me/ it will burn bridges, and that could cause problems for me in the future" could be a factor in your decision. Because of how it could affect you in the future. 

(If you're leaving a job on good terms, then yeah you'll likely sign everything they want you to sign. No need to make problems for them, if they haven't made problems for you. Be good to people.)

(And obviously if there are bigger moral issues like "this will harm innocent people," that would also be a factor in your decision. I'm not saying "be a caricature villain who says 'screw everyone else, I only look out for myself.'" I'm saying that there's nothing inherently good about following rules for the sake of following rules.)

This is all very different from being a student in school. I did what the teacher said because they're the authority figure and I'm a good kid- but then you shouldn't view HR that way. HR is completely different. And here's the piece I was missing: You do what the teacher says, because then the teacher will give you a good grade, which benefits you. See? So it is in your best interest to follow the teacher's rules in terms of requirements for your homework or whatever. It benefits you. But sometimes someone who is "in charge" might say you "have to" do something, but you shouldn't just believe that really means you "have to" do it. You evaluate what the results will be, and decide if it's a good idea or not. And don't let "I'm a good kid so I am supposed to do what they say" be a factor. AT ALL.

Obedience is not a virtue.

Just a little career advice from Perfect Number.