But I don't feel like that anymore. I don't feel close to God. I don't like to pray because ... how can I? And what's the point? Things are more confusing now. How can I write about Psalm 63?
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Perfect Number, wait. And read it again.
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you...
I do seek him. I'm very happy to be a Christian. And I could blog about anything in the whole world, but I write about Christianity most of the time. (And occasionally post photos of cakes, obviously.)
And I just said "I don't feel close to God"... because I wish I did.
...my soul thirsts for you...
And oh how I thirst. For truth, for answers- better answers than the ones I hear at church. I want to believe in a gospel that actually is "good news." I will keep asking questions about what the deal is with hell, because IT CAN'T BE what I thought it was.
And I want God, I want to pray but I don't know how anymore. And I want to know what's God's role in my life- I want him to have some role, but what? Does it make sense to pray for things like getting a job? And what about my relationship with my boyfriend? Did God "put us together"- no, I don't think I believe in that anymore. But what is God's role? Does God "have a plan for my life"? What does that even mean?
And isn't it true that I ask because I want to know? And I want God in my life, and I trust that there are answers... my soul thirsts for you.
...my body longs for you...
My body longs for God's love and power and justice to make things right. In a literal sense (you know, health issues...) and figurative sense. When I read about things happening which should never happen- violence, discrimination, suffering, etc- my eyes want to cry and my heart hurts and I wish I could hug people to make things better... My body longs for this to end, for the world to be a better place, for God to redeem everything.
...in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
Kind of like how I ask where God is when bad things happen. It feels like "a dry and weary land" devoid of God's love.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Oh I have seen God's power. Oh yes. But now I don't know what it means anymore. It's not like "oh, I believe in God's power AND THEREFORE this set of very specific statements that I learned in evangelical Christianity are all true." Believing in God's power is only one piece. I have no idea how it fits in with everything else.
And in the rest of this psalm, there's a whole lot of the word "will." Looking forward to what will happen- acknowledging that things aren't right at the moment, but God has to come change it. I'm totally on board with that.
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
Can I really pray this prayer, claim it as mine, like I used to? I've just gone through every line and shown that it does apply to me. But... I hesitate. I'm not a "good Christian" anymore. I ask annoying questions at church. I get really upset when Christians say incredibly ignorant and hateful things about LGBT people. I've completely ditched purity culture and modesty culture- and I asked a guy to be my boyfriend because I thought it was a good idea (and it was!), not because God told me to.
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you...
Maybe the reason I don't feel close to God is I still believe I'm not allowed to, now that I no longer qualify as a "real Christian" by the standards of what I used to believe. In another post, I asked "Can I love Jesus too?" and I'm still stuck on that question.
I can talk, blog, and argue about God, Christianity, love, people, and the gospel all day long. But actually coming before God and talking to him? I can't, I can't. I've "rejected the bible's clear teaching" about EVERYTHING.
Will God even believe me when I say...
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 63. To read other people's posts, click here: Craving the Divine.