Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. 9 different density layers (April 18) 44-second video. Wow this is really cool! It's a science experiment about liquids with different densities, settling in layers on top of each other, and then you drop objects into it to see how far they sink.

2. Failed Soviet Venus lander Kosmos 482 crashes to Earth after 53 years in orbit (May 10) "Kosmos 482 launched toward Earth's hellishly hot sister planet in 1972, but a problem with its rocket stranded the spacecraft in an elliptical orbit around Earth. For the next 53 years, atmospheric drag pulled the probe down slowly but surely, leading to today's dramatic denouement."

3. Sell All You Have and Give to the Poor (May 3) "When Jesus then tells them that, effectively, none of the other rich and powerful are going to be persuaded to join them either, what is perplexing the disciples is how the Jesus movement can now possibly succeed."

4. Should A Woman Be Forced To Carry A Dead Fetus For Weeks? South Carolina Says 'Yes!' (May 9) "In an update, Weber explained that she was told both by the doctors and by a lawyer that the way the South Carolina law works is that, if she were to have gone to an appointment where the doctor detected a “heartbeat” (not a heartbeat), and then gone to a second appointment where they didn’t detect one, she would have been able to get the D&C or abortion pills right away. However, if you go to your first appointment and they tell you there’s no heartbeat and the fetus has been dead for three weeks, as happened with her, you have to wait two weeks to get one. If you go to the emergency room and get a more comprehensive diagnosis, they’ll shorten the waiting period to 11 days. Does this make sense? No, of course not. But it’s what happens when you have people with no medical background, who don’t know what they’re talking about, writing laws based on their own personal feelings."

5. Why Hospital Policies Matter in States That Ban Abortion (May 7) "ProPublica has documented widespread differences in how hospitals across the country have translated abortion bans into policy. Some have supported doctors in treating active miscarriages and high-risk cases with procedures technically considered abortions; others have forbidden physicians from doing so, or left them on their own to decide, with no legal backing in case of arrest."

6. The FDA approves first U.S. at-home tool as a Pap-smear alternative (May 10) !!!!!! This is great news! Instead of going to a gynecologist to have a pap smear, you can use this tool to collect your own sample and send it off to get screened for cervical cancer. Very excited to hear this, as a person who used to have vaginismus and has had a lot of problems and trauma related to gynecological exams.

(But also, I had complicated feelings reading this article, when it describes pap smears as "a procedure generations of women have dreaded and often found painful." Really? Generations of women? Since when? Then why did everyone act like *I* was the one being unreasonable when I found it to be painful and traumatic? ... I guess this is sort of a #metoo thing- it turns out that a lot of us have experienced this trauma, and we were all pressured to downplay it, and treated like something was wrong with us if we weren't able to pretend everything was fine. But it turns out that this is actually a widespread problem, and it's time to speak up about it.)

7. Pascal's Law (May 9)

8. The Moderate Case Against Transgender Sports Bans (May 12) Good article. I think for a lot of people, when they hear about the debate over trans women playing in women's sports, they imagine that the pro-trans side is saying that any man can just decide "I identify as a woman" and then immediately compete in any women's sport- and that seems really wrong. Well, no, fortunately, it doesn't work that way. That is NOT what trans people are arguing for. 

The guidelines should be different for different sports, and different for different levels (professional sports, high school teams, little kids just running around on a soccer field, etc). The sports organizations should be making their own rules based on what's reasonable and fair for their specific sport. That's not what these political trans bans are doing at all- they're just about hating trans people.

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. Zero ships from China are bound for California’s top ports. Officials haven’t seen that since the pandemic (May 10)

But here's an update about that: US and China agree to slash tariffs for 90 days (May 12)

2. MAGA melts down over ‘WOKE MARXIST POPE’ who is a ‘Never Trumper liberal’ (May 8) A reminder that normal human decency will have MAGAs shrieking that you are a "WOKE MARXIST"- so like, don't try to contort yourself in an effort to present yourself in a way that will not lead to them saying that- it's not possible, they're going to say that anyway.

3. Rümeysa Öztürk, Tufts student held by Ice, vows to continue legal action after jail release (May 11)

4. First, do no harm—unless you're intersex or trans (May 6, via) "Lurie, however, kept its “pause” in place even then. New York Presbyterian/Weill Cornell removed references to gender-affirming care from its website—even striking puberty-pausing medication from its list of services—but still promotes surgery to reduce “enlarged” clitorises on intersex six-month-olds."

5. Alliance Defending Freedom: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) (May 12) !!!! Really glad to see John Oliver doing an episode on ADF. I grew up evangelical- my family got the newsletters from Focus on the Family and ADF (back when its name was Alliance Defense Fund). I read them all. They sent us the book "The Homosexual Agenda" and I read it. I really believed all their bullshit back then.

ADF wasn't just about opposing the legalization of same-sex marriage. They opposed any kind of legal protections for LGBT people at all. Seriously. It is not just about same-sex marriage. It's about queer people existing at all.

When I was in high school in the 2000's, there was this thing called "Day of Silence" when some students who were LGBT/allies would not talk for the entire day, as a way to call attention to the struggles that LGBT people face. ADF came up with a competing event called "Day of Truth," where students could go to their school and hand out literature about how gay people need to just repress themselves and follow God's law, and God will help free them from that "lifestyle" and become straight. That's the sort of thing ADF was into.

This is why I'm so angry, whenever I talk about what evangelicals think about queer issues- because I really did believe all their bullshit propaganda back then. Gay people are one-dimensional villains twirling their mustaches and plotting to destroy marriage because they hate God and they are into disgusting obscene sex stuff. Then eventually- because of the internet- I started reading what actual gay Christians had to say, and it turns out none of that was true.

I had believed ADF because... we were Christians, right? The leaders of ADF were good Christian role models, working so hard to follow God, to live the way God wanted us to live, to fight for what was right. Just like little teenage Perfect Number. And then to find out that all of it was bullshit, that their entire schtick is spreading hateful lies about a group of people. They know it's lies. They know. Is that what Jesus would want? This is why I'm so angry, as a queer Christian.

So yeah, nowadays, every lawsuit that Republicans are involved in, trying to ban abortion or be mean to queer people or generally force Christian symbols on all parts of government/schools/society- yeah, it's ADF lawyers doing it. Of course it is.

(One thing I will say about John Oliver's take, though- about the part where the conservative cake shop guy says he won't make a cake for a gay wedding, just like he won't make a pedophile cake- and John Oliver is astonished at how bizarre of a concept it is, a pedophile cake. Uh, that's one of the huge talking points from evangelical anti-gay groups- that homosexuality is adjacent to pedophilia. That gay people are more likely to be pedophiles and therefore shouldn't be allowed near kids. That if same-sex marriage is legal, there's no reason it shouldn't also be legal to sexually abuse children- there's no actual meaningful difference that would lead society to allow same-sex marriage but draw the line at child sexual abuse. This is an extremely common anti-gay talking point. I am 0% surprised this cake guy talks about being asked to make a pedophile cake as if that's the natural thing that would happen next if he made a cake for a gay wedding.)

Oh, and in case it's not obvious: They also believe trans people don't really exist.

6. “They’re Trying to Kidnap Someone” (May 10, via) "Surrounding them are a few dozen community members who were tipped off about the ICE raid and got to it before the police did. Before I arrived, they demanded to see a warrant. The ICE agents refused to provide one, so they created a human chain, which the ICE officers eventually broke through."

7. Episcopal Church leader says helping Afrikaners over other refugees is 'unfathomable' (May 13) "And the idea that we would be somehow resettling Afrikaners at this point over other refugees, who have been vetted and waiting in camps for months or even years, is unfathomable to us."

8. Rabbi and Cantor Alums of Brown Write To the University: (April 17) "President Trump’s attack on Brown and other universities has nothing whatsoever to do with combatting antisemitism. It weaponizes antisemitism and could, ironically, evoke classical sentiments of resentment toward the Jewish community, whose name is being scapegoated as a conduit for an ulterior motive."

9. Trump administration's universal flu vaccine project puzzles scientists (May 13) At first I was like, "a universal flu vaccine? Hey, if it works, that would be great!" But then I read the whole article and now I'm like, "this sounds like a bad idea."

"'We're going back to technology that was used 40, 50 years ago or more. So this is a little surprising to me why you would go backwards to this technology? It's a very old technology,' Poland says. 'This is what influenza vaccines in the 40s, 50s and 60s looked like.'"

10. A matchmaking service with a twist: Connecting big givers to programs cut by USAID (May 13) "'I think it's clear that private philanthropy is not going to be able to fill all the gaps,' says Weiss. 'But what we can do is staunch the bleeding, keep projects functioning so that it's possible for local organizations or local governments to take them over.'"

"The Storm That Stopped" (kids' book review)

Book cover for "The Storm That Stopped."

I bought this book for my son: The Storm That Stopped [affiliate link], by Alison Mitchell. This book is from the "Tales That Tell the Truth" series, like "Jesus and the Lions' Den" which I also reviewed. The idea behind this series is taking bible stories which are not necessarily about Jesus and using them to teach a point about who Jesus is.

This book, "The Storm That Stopped," is an adaptation of Mark 4:35-41, when Jesus calms the storm. So this one actually is about Jesus. But it does more than just tell the story; at the end of the book, the last 5 pages tell us that the reason Jesus performed this miracle was to show the disciples who he is. Only God can calm a storm... and Jesus calmed a storm... therefore Jesus is God! So it's not just the bible story; it's the story plus an abstract point about who Jesus is.

This book is really good! If you follow my blog, you know I have a lot to say about how most bible stories have elements which are weird and problematic- but I don't think the story of Jesus calming the storm is problematic, so that's why this book rates so highly for me. I don't have a bunch of hot takes saying we shouldn't teach this story to children. No, this story is fine. So I think it works very well as a children's book.

There was one part I found extremely objectionable, though. So, Jesus and the disciples are on a boat in the middle of a lake, and there's a huge storm, and the disciples were terrified, but Jesus was sleeping. And here's what the book says:

The wind blew harder. The waves grew huger. The water filled the boat. But Jesus was still asleep.

"Jesus!"

"Wake up! Wake up!"

"We're drowning!"

"Don't you care?"

What a silly thing to say to Jesus! Of course he cared. He loved his friends so much that one day he was going to die for them.

I know this is my ex-evangelical trauma talking, but, this is beyond the pale. Policing people's emotions? Really? Someone's in a terrifying situation, and you shame them for having very reasonable feelings about it? Like they're wrong for observing that it seems like Jesus doesn't care what's happening. Like they should just "trust God" and not have feelings.

Evangelicalism is full of this kind of policing of emotions. God didn't answer your prayers because you didn't have the right kind of faith. Because you didn't have the right motives. God let bad things happen to you in order to teach you something, and if you didn't "trust God" in the middle of the situation, that's a sin. And if you come out of it angry at God, that's a sin. And if you do the right thing for the wrong reasons, that's a sin. And if something good happens, but you don't give credit to God, that's a sin, and God will probably sabotage your life to teach you a lesson. And if something makes you happy, better be careful that you don't end up loving it more than God, or else God will take it away. And if you really want something, then you're being selfish. And if someone hurts you, you have to forgive them right away; if you continue to be unhappy about it- if it causes you long-term trauma- then you're "bitter" and that's a sin too.

In evangelical ideology, it's a sin to have normal human emotions. People who quit being evangelical have to go through the whole process of learning how to feel their own feelings and know what they want. Because they were never allowed to have feelings (besides the feelings that God would want them to have) or want things.

So when I read this kids' book, and the disciples were scared and asked Jesus, "Don't you care?" and the book says that was "silly", I just... wow, this is not okay. I really do have trauma about this.

When I read this page to my son, I always stop and say that actually, it was totally fine for them to be scared and think that Jesus didn't care. So, as far as the impact on my son is concerned, I do think that fixes the problem. It's extremely harmful that the book says the disciples were being "silly" when they thought Jesus didn't care about them, but since it's just mentioned once and doesn't impact the rest of the story, it's an easy fix. I just tell my son that this part of the book is wrong, and it's totally normal for someone to feel like Jesus doesn't care, if they're in that situation. (And I think it's good for him to learn that just because something is in a book doesn't mean it's right.)

So overall, the book is good, but you DEFINITELY need to address that nonsense when you get to that page.

And let's talk about the part at the end, where the book says that the reason Jesus performed this miracle was to show the disciples that He is God. The last page says "Jesus is... GOD!" and I'm a Christian so I'm like "yeah!" but sometimes I also tell my son "yeah some people believe Jesus is God, but you don't have to." Honestly, I think this part of the book is too abstract for him and he doesn't get it. He's in preschool. He's more interested in the tangible parts of the story that he understands- boats, water, sleeping, etc.

In conclusion, this book has my ex-evangelical Christian stamp of approval- assuming, of course, that you stop and tell your kid it's okay for the disciples to be scared.

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Related:

"Jesus and the Lions' Den" (kids' book review)

"Who Is My Neighbor?" (Kids' Book Review) 

Not Sure I Want My Kid Reading the Bible

Blogaround

1. Journal Club: Trauma and Femininity in the DSM (June 21) "It doesn’t really matter what the women patients want. They’re trying to change their desires because that’s what their male partners want."

2. From Hot Pot to Milk Tea, Chinese Influencer Praised For Exposing False Advertising (June 21) "Some of his most popular videos see him and his friends using weighing scales to check whether hot pot restaurants are serving the same amount of meat as is advertised. More often than not, they find that the meat is not the advertised amount, despite promises from waiters that the meat has been weighed beforehand."

3. The Problems with Power of a Praying Wife: With Download (June 21) "Frames prayer as the key to changing a marriage, even a destructive one with alcoholism or abuse, placing the responsibility for ending a husband’s destructive behaviors on the wife."

4. We need to talk about Jessa Duggar and this "abortion" controversy… (March 4) 16-minute video from Mama Doctor Jones. Jessa Duggar had a miscarriage, and was treated with a D&C, and then people on twitter posted a lot of angry tweets about how Jessa had an abortion and this is so hypocritical because the Duggar family is very politically active in trying to deny people the right to have an abortion. Mama Doctor Jones talks about the words used- miscarriage, abortion, D&C- and how they have different definitions depending on if they're used socially, medically, or politically. And, she says, we need to have compassion for people who lose a wanted pregnancy, as well as compassion for people with an unwanted pregnancy.

5. I think it's always important to consider context and priorities when talking about strategies for advancing political goals. (June 21) "Because we really don't have to and definitely shouldn't be choosing between 'let me explain oh so politely why I deserve dignity and autonomy, or even just survival, but I'll stop if you think it's too annoying' and 'stop making me do emotional labor and Google it--everything I say is infallibly true and you should interrogate yourself if you disagree'."

6. Could You Not Stay Woke? (April 2) [content note: anti-black violence] "But folk did not stay awake. If you woke up when Tyre Nichols was chased down and hunted for sport in the street like an animal, you woke up because you were sleeping on police violence against black and brown folk when it wasn’t in the news every day. Could you not stay awake one hour? Could you not stay woke one hour?"

7. Misogyny, the SBC, and Beth Moore (June 16, via) [content note: mentions of Trump and sexual harassment] "I honestly think Beth’s fate was sealed from the moment that she disclosed she was a survivor of sexual abuse, and that women had been telling her their own stories of survivorship for decades – often for the first time. Beth did not say this to highlight the dangers of secularism, or to encourage women to stay home, or to advance any cause that patriarchy might have accepted. She said to advocate for women. To say that more care needs to be diverted towards women, that women are beings with needs and rights and things they deserve, was always an offense that Beth was going to pay for."

8. On the 11,000 virgin martyrs, iconography, and beauty standards (June 20) "This makes for some pretty incredible pictures where dozens upon dozens of completely identical women set out with St Ursula, who also looks exactly like them but has a crown."

9. Pastor walks out after Christian Reformed Church synod passes anti-LGBTQ+ resolution (June 20) "The next day, the elder Struyk walked to the podium and said, 'Because of the message we sent to many LGBTQ+ people—including my son—I will be leaving synod in protest' and, with that, he walked out the door."

Blogaround

1. Meet China’s High Heels King (February 24) Wow, I am really impressed about how this man actually understands how unworkable a lot of high-heeled shoes are, learning it through actual experience. And impressed at how well he's able to run and jump in heels.

2. Can pastors please stop salivating over women’s bodies in sermons? A response to Jonathan Pokluda’s objectification of the ‘perfect’ woman (February 24) "Women deserve better than to go to church and hear all that stops our pastors from having sex with total strangers is a Bible memory passage. We’re all for Bible memory, but we’re also for marriage vows, faithfulness and holding Christian men to at least the same moral standard as your average non-Christian husband at your local Applebee’s." PREACH!

3. Wall-E – Paradise Regained? Reflections on the Garden of Eden and Man’s Labor (January 23) "The movie causes us to ask, what do we think our future will be like? Wall-E, the movie, depicts a world that Man has destroyed through lack of stewardship, and in which they are relegated to living away from their home with technology serving their every need. At first sight, it may seem as though they live in a kind of paradise. Though they have been taken from the earth, they now live a life of pleasure. Is this heaven? Is this what some people, including many Christians conceptualize heaven to be like? No work, being served, just relaxing all the time?"

4. The Origins of the Parable of the Sower (and Other Seedy Riddles) (February 22) "This is not the parable you would tell if you were calling people to action, because it presents a deterministic view of humanity. ... However, at the meta-narrative level, this parable makes perfect sense if it is aimed at Mark’s community—especially those discouraged by a lack of success in their preaching and missionary work."

And another one from the same blog: Did Jezebel Murder Naboth? A Reassessment of Israel’s Most Notorious Queen (January 15) "This is not meant literally; we are not supposed to understand that anyone will actually be eaten by dogs and birds. Rather, such wording constitutes a curse of non-burial; telling someone that their corpse will be consumed by animals implies a shameful death and legacy. Such curses were 'a standard part of treaty and covenent formulas throughout the ancient Near East' (Cronauer, p. 26), and there are many examples outside the Bible."

5. 'Then' (February 28) "Whenever some people start talking about revival, other people will start quoting Isaiah 58." As they should. (This is another post from the Slacktivist about the Asbury revival. All of his posts on it have been extremely good.)

Mary's Choice

A painting of the angel Gabriel appearing to Mary. Image source.

"How will this be," she asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"

"The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. For nothing is impossible with God."

---------

Susanna imagined it, imagined being pregnant, giving birth, unmarried. She felt trapped, more than anything else. She couldn't do it. She couldn't be pregnant, she just couldn't. She was only 14.

She had seen other pregnant girls who weren't married. She saw how people judged them, she saw how they barely had enough money to take care of their babies. She had heard of one girl who had actually left Nazareth because of the shame. People gossiped so much. They all judged her.

And what would she tell Jacob? She was betrothed to him, and if she suddenly ended up pregnant, what would he do? He would be angry. He would never believe that it was... an angel... a virgin birth. Who would believe that? Would Jacob tell everyone she had been unfaithful to him?

Or... suddenly a worse thought occurred to her. What if Jacob stayed with her? What if he stayed, and the baby was born, and he never let her forget that he was providing for a baby that wasn't his? If he threatened to throw her out, he would be able to force her to do anything. 

Susanna hadn't wanted to marry him, but now it seemed more urgent than ever to get away from him. And no, she couldn't handle being pregnant right now.

She had plans. She had a life. She was learning quilt-making from her mother, hoping she could earn some money with that. Would she have to stop? How could she deal with pregnancy right now? Being sick, being exhausted, hiding from the villagers who would gossip about her... it just felt impossible.

She felt like she was at the bottom of a hole. And the angel had said "For nothing is impossible with God," but Susanna knew what the real world was like. Who would help her, when she had no money, and a newborn baby to take care of? Who would help her, if Jacob felt he could control her life? It's easy for the angel to talk about how God chose her, but is the angel going to wake up in the middle of the night to hold the baby when he cries? It was just too overwhelming, thinking of how much work she would have to do, how exhausting, how alone she would be.

It was a nice idea, maybe, but she would have to say no. 

But still, for a second, when the angel had said "you have found favor with God," Susanna felt special. Like part of her wanted to do it. Wanted it to work. But she just couldn't, not right now.

Maybe in 5 or 10 years, when she was in a better place in life. When she had more money, and a man who treated her better than Jacob did. If another angel came then, and told her she was chosen for the task of giving birth to the Son of God, maybe then she would say yes.

"I can't do it," she said to the angel. "I'm sorry, I can't."

---------

Mary was astonished. The idea that God had chosen her, it was amazing. For her whole life, she had done her best to be devoted to God, just like the teachers had said. Finally, she was being recognized. Finally, her devotion had paid off. God had chosen her. It was incredible!

It would be hard, she knew it would be hard. Giving birth, raising a child, it would be hard- but God would be with her. God had chosen her, so that must mean he knew she could do it.

She remembered the stories of the prophets, called by God to do incredible things for him. They were called to go to faraway places and preach. Some of them were killed because they preached against the wicked kings. As a little girl, Mary had imagined what it would be like if she was called by God too. She wanted it; she prayed for it. It was dangerous, she knew that, but it was heroic and amazing, and they got to really know God, really hear the voice of God, rely on God, see miracles. Wouldn't it be wonderful, she had always thought, to live an exciting life like that? It's hard, but it's worth it.

And now here it was. She was 14, and she was really being called by God. She was scared, but she knew she had to say yes.

"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered the angel. "May it be to me as you have said."

---------

6 months after the angel came, Susanna finally got Jacob to divorce her. Even though they weren't married yet, the betrothal could only be broken with a divorce. It had been so tedious- talking to her parents, talking to Jacob's parents, saying all the right words to soothe Jacob's ego.

She was still a virgin, and that was the only way she was able to convince her parents that she'd be able to find someone else. If she had been pregnant... It was terrible to think about. Either Jacob would have dumped her on the street, or he would have stayed with her and made her life miserable.

But finally, she was free. And she never would have been able to do it, if she had taken the angel's offer and gotten supernaturally pregnant. It horrified her to think about that. How much worse her life would be, how she would be trapped.

And 9 months after the angel came, she thought, "this is when the baby- Jesus- would have been born." And part of her wished she could have that... But she knew it would have been impossible. Her life had gotten so much better in these 9 months- but if she had been pregnant, it would have gotten worse.

---------

Mary and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem on foot, when she was 9 months pregnant. She had never been so exhausted in her life.

They arrived in Bethlehem, and when they found out there was no room in the inn, Mary broke down crying. "Why does everything have to be so hard?"

"Don't worry, we'll find somewhere," Joseph tried to reassure her. He found a place for her to sit, and tried to calm her down.

"I think... I think I might be having contractions right now," Mary said.

Joseph suddenly looked panicked. "I'll go talk to him again," he said. "There has to be somewhere we can stay."

Mary sat and waited for him. Back when she had said yes to the angel, she never would have thought it would be like this. Being pregnant was hard- and it was hard in a bone-weary way that she didn't know about before. Where was God in all this? She knew God had chosen her, she knew God had given her the baby... but all those times that she had to throw up, she didn't feel like God was with her. All those times she felt hungry, or sick, or exhausted. All those times she felt the baby kicking her organs. She didn't know it would be like this.

And on top of that, she had to worry about Joseph's feelings too. He had said he was fine. He had said he would still marry her, and he believed the baby was from God. But she knew this wasn't what he wanted. Some part of her felt guilty- it was her fault for getting Joseph into this situation.

Sure, God had sent an angel to convince Joseph that the baby was from God. So God hadn't totally left her alone. He had done one thing, at least. But it felt like... not enough. She didn't know it would be this hard.

And she felt the baby kick inside her... for months, she had felt the baby kick inside her, and she loved that baby already. She couldn't imagine making a different choice.

Joseph came back, breathless. "Mary, there's a barn. It's the best we can do." He took her hand and helped her stand up.

She gave birth in the barn, and laid her baby in the manger. They named him Jesus.

---------

Susanna's mother got her an apprenticeship with Sarah, the best quiltmaker in Nazareth. Sarah's shop was large, with quilts and reams of fabric stacked in piles everywhere. Sarah was experienced and efficient, bustling around the shop in a plain dress with her hair pulled back into a bun.

Susanna was, basically, starstruck. She had always been impressed by Sarah's business and success, and getting the chance to work with her and be taught by her was a dream come true. She found that Sarah wasn't just good at the quiltmaking itself, but at the business side of things- the customer experience, sourcing materials, communicating with other sellers, setting up efficient processes for the girls who worked for her.

Susanna vowed to work hard and learn everything she possibly could. She needed to earn money and provide for herself. She had seen how poor women in Nazareth had to beg or had to find a man to provide for them. She was terrified that she would be stuck in that life too. This apprenticeship could be her way out.

One afternoon, when Susanna was working at the shop, a tall man walked in. He looked around, spotted Sarah, and walked up to her with a smile. Sarah looked up from her work and greeted him, "Hi darling."

"Who's this?" Susanna whispered to one of the other girls.

"That's Elias, her husband."

"Hey, I'm going to need you to travel up to Capernaum for me," Sarah said to him. "Remember that vendor there with the special dye? Someone is asking me for a quilt made with that dye. I told him, it's expensive, but that's what he really wants. Would you be able to go try to buy the dye for me, maybe tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow..." said Elias. He nodded. "Okay, yes, tomorrow morning I can set off."

---------

"Where do you think we're supposed to get the pigeons?" Mary asked, carrying Jesus and sticking close to Joseph as they wove their way through the crowd around the temple in Jerusalem. 

"Uh, I think usually there are some livestock sellers outside the main gate," Joseph said, not sounding very certain.

They found a place to buy 2 live pigeons, and Joseph handed over the money, even though the pigeons were more expensive than they expected. Mary wondered if they would have to skip meals on the journey back to Bethlehem. What if they didn't have enough money? She needed to breastfeed Jesus; it wasn't good for her to skip meals. Jesus slept soundly, resting against her body in the baby wrap that she wore. 

They went into the temple, offered the pigeons as a sacrifice, and the priest circumcised Jesus. Jesus cried, and Mary held him and tried to calm him down.

Just then, an old man walked up to them. When he saw Jesus, he broke into a huge smile. "This is him? Yes! Come here, come here, young lady," he said. putting his hand on Mary's shoulder and leading her forward. Then he stopped in the open area in the temple courts, looked up to the sky, and prayed,
"Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
you may now dismiss your servant in peace.
For my eyes have seen your salvation,
which you have prepared in the sight of all nations:
a light for revelation to the Gentiles,
and the glory of your people Israel."

Wow! Mary couldn't believe it. It was just like the angel had said! Her baby was bringing salvation, to Israel and all other nations too! She and Joseph looked at each other, thrilled.

The old man put his hand on Jesus' head. He seemed to be so moved, just seeing the baby Jesus. "This child..." he said, "this remarkable child." Then he turned to Mary, and said, "This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed." 

Incredible! Jesus was going to grow up to do amazing things, and Mary would get to see it all, firsthand.

He continued, looking Mary in the eye, "And a sword will pierce your own soul too."

Wow, that was a little bit terrifying, but she was sure she was ready. God would be with her. Even if it was hard, it would all be worth it. Sure, they might not have enough money for food on the journey back to Bethlehem, but somehow they would be okay. She was right where she should be, doing what God had called her to do.

"Anna!" the old man called out, waving to an old woman he saw walking nearby. "Anna, come come come! Come and see this child, who was prophesied about."

The woman, who had white hair that hung down in big loose curls, hurried over to them. She looked at Jesus, and then at the old man, and asked him, "Is he...?"

"Yes, yes!" answered the old man.

"Oh!" she exclaimed. She put one arm around Mary, and the other arm stroked Jesus' small shoulder. Jesus looked up at her with round, curious eyes. "We always knew this day would come. We have been waiting for the one who will bring salvation to Jerusalem. Thanks be to God!"

Anna also gave them some bread and fruit, for the trip back to Bethlehem. As Mary and Joseph walked along the dusty roads, Mary thought about everything that had happened. It was hard, it was so hard caring for the baby, breastfeeding him, waking up in the night. But even though her feet were tired, and her arms were tired, she felt so much excitement. She was part of God's plan, to bring salvation to the whole world. What could be more amazing than that?

---------

Things were going well at the quilt shop. Susanna had learned a lot of skills, and was proud of the quilts she made. When she started earning money of her own, she gave some to a blind woman she saw begging on the street.

One day, as Susanna and her mother were cooking, her mother said, "You should think about marriage."

Susanna grimaced. "Oh, no. I'm doing pretty well right now, and if there was a man in my life, he would want to change all this. I want to have my own shop someday, but if I was married, my husband wouldn't let me."

"Honey, I don't want you to think all men are like that, just because of what happened with Jacob--"

"No, they are, Mother."

"What about Elias and Sarah? You see how they are together. She asks him to run all kinds of errands for him, and he does it. She manages the shop, and he does whatever little tasks she tells him to."

"Yeah..." Susanna answered. "Okay fine, some men, out there somewhere, will let their wife run a business. But that doesn't help me, because where would I even find them?"

Her mother smiled. "I guess you didn't know- Sarah has a son."

Susanna looked at her, shocked. "She does?" Wow, now this could be a good thing.

---------

Joseph woke her in the middle of the night. "Mary, get up! Where's the baby?"

Half-asleep, Mary answered him, "He's in his bed... obviously... What's going on?"

Joseph was already throwing clothes into a bag. "We have to go."

Mary just looked at him, too sleepy to understand what was going on. Beside her, Jesus slept peacefully in his bed.

"Come on!" said Joseph. "It's, it's ..." He looked terrified, but he made himself slow down and look at her and say it. "Herod wants to kill him. We have to run."

And suddenly she was fully awake too. She jumped out of bed and picked up Jesus and held him close, horrified that anyone would try to take her precious baby from her. She tried to use one hand to pull on her clothes and shoes, and Jesus woke up and started to cry. "Shhhh, my baby, shhhhh, Mama's here."

And minutes later the three of them were rushing out the door, into the clear night. She couldn't even think straight about what she should bring, just grabbed some clothes, grabbed Jesus, and they ran. Joseph had put the gold, frankincense, and myrrh in the bag he carried on his back. Beyond that, they had nothing of real value.

All night they walked, in the silence, under the stars, away from that one brightest star that had led the Magi to their home. All night, Mary held Jesus close to her, thinking of how she would protect him no matter what.

It took weeks, but they finally arrived in a small town in Egypt, where Joseph felt they would be safe. And then... there was no danger anymore, just the day-to-day drudgery of trying to make a life in a foreign country. Joseph went out early every morning looking for work, and Mary stayed with Jesus, watched him learn to walk and then run. She talked to the other women there, tried to fit in, but it was hard because their lives were so different from hers. She couldn't cook the foods she used to cook in Nazareth or Bethlehem. Everything was different.

Some days she didn't want to get out of bed. Jesus would run to her and say "Mama, Mama" and she just couldn't take it. It was just too hard, being so far away from home. She remembered the night they had fled from Bethlehem, and somehow that night had been the easiest. She had been driven by her fear, and she knew she would do anything to save Jesus, she knew she would lay down her life for him... and something about that was easier, simpler, than the way she had to live in Egypt.

When she had said yes to that angel, several years before, she didn't know it would be like this. She didn't know she would end up in a foreign land, isolated and hopeless. She thought... she thought God would always be with her. She thought there would always be people who would help. 

But she just... it was too much, it was too hard, and she had told Joseph several times, "I can't do this anymore," but he always said that Jesus wouldn't be safe if they took him back to Israel.

And then... she started feeling different. Started feeling nauseous every day. And she thought she might be pregnant again, but couldn't bear to think about it. She couldn't do it. Life was already too hard, and where was God? This was supposed to be an amazing adventure of faith and obedience and seeing God's power, but instead she just felt the weight of caring for her child and being so far from home. Feeling like she was stuck at the bottom of a hole. Every single day. And if she really was pregnant, that would be another weight on top of her. How could she keep going, in Egypt, giving birth and caring for a second child?

She didn't know how to tell Joseph. She couldn't face it. Couldn't tell him. She just tried to hope it wasn't real.

Then one day, Joseph woke her up with a huge smile. "Mary, we can go back to Israel. Herod has died." He hugged her, and she cried and cried. It was like, she didn't even realize how bad it was, how hopeless she had been, until she was able to start to get out of it.

They went back to Nazareth. She gave birth to a son- Joseph's son. They named him James. Life was still hard, and they were still poor, but it felt so good to be home.

---------

Susanna overheard two of the customers in the shop. "Terrible, what happened in Bethlehem."

"What, what happened?" she asked, as she worked carefully with her needle to sew a quilt together.

"Well, the king sent soldiers, to kill baby boys. Trying to kill all the baby boys in Bethlehem. Honestly, it just makes him look insecure, if you ask me."

"Oh... that's awful," said Susanna.

What if she had gotten pregnant back then, when the angel came? And what if she lived in Bethlehem, instead of Nazareth? Then it would be her baby in danger- she would be up against Roman soldiers, trying her best to protect him.

It was horrifying to think about. Made her feel like, there is no way she's ready to have kids, because terrible things like that can happen.

She was betrothed to Micah now- Sarah and Elias's son. She and Micah had discussed it, and were planning to have kids in a few years. She hoped she would be strong and brave enough to be a good mother and protect the kids from all the harsh things in the world.

But, fortunately, she didn't have to worry about it yet. She focused on her sewing again.

Terrible, what happened in Bethlehem, though.

---------

James was an easier baby than Jesus was. Maybe it was because Mary and Joseph had more experience and knew what they were doing. Maybe it was because they had family in Nazareth who could help them. Maybe it was because Mary had always felt guilty over how much work Joseph had had to do for a child who wasn't even his- but James really was Joseph's son, so the guilt was gone.

The years passed, and Mary had 3 more sons: Joses, Simon, and Judas. 5 sons in all; 4 of them were Joseph's. She felt good, to be able to give him 4 sons. She felt like she owed him. Even though Joseph never complained, Mary still felt bad that he had been dragged into this whole virgin-birth thing. It hadn't been his choice at all.

Joseph trained Jesus and James to work as carpenters, just like him. They were good at it, and were able to earn enough money... but still, Mary always worried. 5 children was a lot of mouths to feed. One of her cousins was a butcher, and occasionally sent her some meat for free. Mary was so grateful; it was the only time they were able to eat meat.

Her days were filled with the hard work of carrying water and cooking. Raising her sons, making sure they didn't run off, teaching them to be good children. Worrying about money. It was hard, and it was exhausting, and sometimes she felt like things would have been so much easier if she hadn't had her first child so early. 

She had been so young back then. She hadn't been ready- she could see that now. If only they could have waited till after Joseph got his carpentry business established in Nazareth. If only they hadn't had to flee to Egypt. If only she and Joseph could have had time to focus on their own marriage first.

When the angel came to her, all those years ago... could she have said no? 

One night, when Jesus was 10 years old, and Mary lay in bed unable to sleep, she realized that she could have said no. At the time, of course she didn't know that. She only knew that God was calling her, and wasn't that just the best and most exciting thing, to have God Himself calling her? She didn't know what it would really be like.

Of course she hadn't realized she had a choice, back then. But God must have given her a choice, right? If she had said no, she didn't want to give birth to the Son of God, then ... that wasn't the kind of mother he would want. And to have her body changing from the pregnancy, which she didn't even want... fighting against and hating what was happening to her own body... she didn't believe that God would do that.

She had said yes so fast to that angel. It was because she didn't know anything, she thought bitterly.

But... if she had said no to the angel, then she wouldn't have Jesus. She thought about his excitement as he worked on making furniture with Joseph. She thought about his creativity, carving animals in the leftover pieces of wood in the shop. Just that day, he had carved a dove, and he had run home to show her.

She couldn't imagine life without him. The timing hadn't been ideal, but... if she had said no, then she wouldn't have Jesus. She wouldn't have the long conversations where he asked her all kinds of questions about society and life and babies and cooking and everything else. She wouldn't get to see his enthusiasm for working with Joseph, his hands covered in sawdust. She wouldn't get to hold him when he cried. And she wouldn't have his little wooden dove.

It was hard, and if she had known back then how hard it would be, she probably would have said no. But she loved Jesus and she couldn't imagine life without him.

---------

Susanna and Micah got married, and started their own quilt shop together. Business went well, and when Susanna got pregnant, she hired a young girl to help with some of the physical tasks that she couldn't do.

Her first child was a boy. They named him Jethro. When he was born, relatives came from all over Nazareth to help Susanna and Micah- cooking for them, washing clothes, holding the baby so Susanna could rest. She hired a second girl, Abagail, to take over some more tasks at the shop. Abagail was very young, but eager to learn, and had a lot of energy to run around and carry things, when Susanna just felt exhausted.

After a few years, Susanna gave birth to a girl, Joanna, and then another girl, Hannah.

---------

Joseph passed away, and Jesus and James took over the carpentry business. The other boys were too young; Joseph hadn't had a chance to train them yet. Mary hoped that they might be able to work as apprentices for their relatives or neighbors. They needed the money.

Jesus was a good kid, but sometimes Mary thought he was almost too good. Too idealistic.

He talked about his father- and he meant God, not Joseph. He talked about how important it was for him to be doing his father's work, but he didn't mean making furniture to earn money, he meant things like sitting outside talking with the crippled men at the city gate.

It was like... he thought everything was going to be okay, that he was going to put "God's work" first, and everything else would magically fall into place.

But what could Mary say? That was exactly what she was like when she was young. Before she was beaten down by reality, by the day-to-day struggle to feed her family. It didn't matter how hard you believed that "God will provide" or some nice things like that- that's not how the real world works. Sometimes you go to bed hungry, and that's just the way it is.

But Jesus really believed that love was the answer. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, with all your mind, and love your neighbor as yourself. He believed that God is with us... and actually, Mary believed that too. She had to; she was the one who had gotten pregnant and given birth while still a virgin. Of course that was from God, and the child was the Son of God. She had experienced it herself, of course she had to believe it.

But that was so long ago, and life was so hard, raising 5 sons. It didn't feel true anymore.

One day when Jesus was 30 years old, he announced that he was going to quit carpentry because God had called him to preach the good news. Mary groaned. "Honey... can we take some time to think about this? Is this really realistic?" she asked.

"I have to do my father's will," he said.

She knew there was no way she could talk him out of it. No point even trying. And she had been the exact same way when she was young.

Jesus left a few days later. After 2 months, he came back home and told Mary, "So they tried to throw me off a cliff!" He laughed as he said it.

"They what? Who?" she asked, shocked. 

"I went to the synagogue, and I preached from the scroll of Isaiah, proclaiming freedom for the prisoners, healing for the blind, setting the oppressed free!" He looked so glad and hopeful as he said it; she knew he believed it with all his heart.

"And then," he continued, "they didn't believe that I had come to fulfill the prophecy. They said, 'Isn't this Joseph's son?' Well, you know that a prophet is not accepted in his hometown. Think about the widows in Israel during the time of Elijah- but God didn't send him to any of them, he sent him to a widow in Zarepath." (Mary regretted ever telling him about Elijah and the widow of Zarepath.) "And then, they got up and tried to throw me off a cliff! But I got away!" he said triumphantly. 

Mary was speechless, and for a fleeting moment she wished that she had never told him about the whole ... virgin birth thing. Wouldn't everything have been easier if he just believed Joseph was his father? But no, that wasn't reasonable, of course she had told him.

"Honey..." she began, unsure of what to say. "This sounds dangerous. Don't you think maybe you shouldn't preach... such provocative..."

"Mother, I have to do my father's work," he said.

There was no use arguing with him. He really believed it, just like she used to believe it.

---------

They were at a wedding, and Susanna had a headache. She told Micah she had to get away from the crowds and partying for a few minutes.

She wandered around to the back of the tents, where the servants would be preparing food. There was a small stool there, and Susanna sat down and closed her eyes. It was good to be away from the noise.

After a few minutes, she heard voices nearby. "Jesus, come here, come here! They have no more wine!"

Susanna tried to ignore them. She tried to rest her head, as people poured water in the background. A lot of water. Then a commotion, and servants exclaiming, "It's wine! It's turned into wine! Taste this, it's incredible!" At first she wished they would be quiet, because of her headache, but then she started to wonder what was going on. Had that man- Jesus- just... made wine, somehow?

Finally, it seemed that they had all left, and it was quiet. Susanna glanced up, and saw just one woman still standing there, near the huge jars.

"Wow..." the woman said. "Wow, it's wine, it's really wine." She ran her hand along the rim of the jar, seemingly amazed.

And then, a minute later, the woman said quietly, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you... it's real..." And Susanna sat straight up and gasped.

Why would this woman be saying the exact same thing that the angel had said to Susanna? Could she have known about it somehow? But Susanna hadn't told anyone. Her mind raced. And this woman, she thought, and the man she had spoken to, oh goodness, she called him Jesus, and that was the exact name that the angel had said she should name her son, and, and, and-

The entire world seemed to stop. What if- what if- all those years ago, when Susanna had said no, what if God went and chose someone else, and here she was, and here was her son Jesus, oh wow.

Could it be? No, no... Susanna told herself to calm down, and not jump to conclusions. But she felt so excited and desperate- she just had to know.

She stood up, and she could see the deep red of the liquid in the jars. It looked like wine- but where had it come from? She was pretty sure that earlier, the servants had been pouring water in. Maybe they were pouring wine in, and she hadn't been paying attention? But why would they do that? But if it had been water, it couldn't just turn into wine... but everyone had been so astonished and said that's exactly what happened. And now there was a woman talking about the power of the Most High, just like the angel had said to Susanna... This was very weird, and she had to figure out what was going on.

She saw one of the servants walking by, and she recognized him. His name was Hosea, and he had come to her shop to pick up a quilt a few months before. A big one with a flower embroidered on it. Susanna rushed over to him and asked, "Who was that man? The one who told you to pour the water into the jars?"

"That's Jesus."

"How old is he?" Susanna demanded.

"He's 30," Hosea answered. Susanna quickly did the math- and yes, that's the age her baby would have been. Hosea continued, "And he's single. If you want me to introduce him to your daughter, I can, but to be honest I don't think you'll have much luck. His mother has been trying to find a girl for him but he refuses. My opinion, not that anyone asked me, I would say his head is kind of in the clouds. This wine is really good though, I can see why you'd want him around."

Susanna only half-listened, as she tried to think of what else she could ask, to confirm it.

Hosea continued, "Listen, here's what I would do, I would try to set your girl up with one of his brothers. You probably have a much better chance-"

"Brothers?" Susanna sputtered. If he had an older brother, then it wouldn't have been a virgin birth, and then... "Are, are, is he older or younger?"

"He's the oldest of 5 brothers," Hosea answered.

The oldest! "And, and, his mother-" Susanna started to say.

"Mary."

"Mary. Does she have any, any, does she, does she have any daughters who are older than him?"

Hosea looked a bit puzzled, then said, "Oh, for your son. Ah no, sorry to say, no daughters in their family."

She felt that her thoughts were going in all different directions. His name was Jesus. He was 30 years old, which was the right age. He was Mary's oldest son, and- well, of course a virgin birth is impossible, but if it did happen, it would be the oldest child. He had turned water into wine- a miracle. And she had heard his mother say the exact words that the angel had said to her, all those years ago.

It had to be true. After Susanna turned the angel's offer down, he must have found this other girl, Mary, and she had actually done it. And that meant, as the angel had said, this Jesus was the Son of God.

"Have you tried the wine, though?" asked Hosea. "It's really the best I've ever had. Hey don't stress so much, I'm sure you'll find a wife for your son." And with that, he handed her a cup of wine, turned around, and left.

She stood there, and thought about how her life could have gone. It had been years since she had thought about that weird visit from the angel when she was 14 years old. But, wow, someone else- Mary- had really said yes to that, and then Mary got to raise the Son of God. She got to breastfeed him, to teach him to walk, teach him to behave... to watch him grow into a man. And see him turn water into wine.

For a moment, Susanna wished that she had that. But then she would never have met Micah. She wouldn't have her quilt shop. She wouldn't have her 3 kids- Jethro, Joanna, and Hannah. She thought about her son, Jethro, and how he looked so much like his father, except that Micah kept his beard looking nice, and Jethro's was a mess. Susanna had tried for years to tell him to take care of his beard, but now she had basically given up. And now, Jethro had just bought a house, and Susanna had been helping him move his things there, and actually there was one section of the roof that Jethro thought should be fixed, and Susanna had told him that she would contact someone to look at it, ah, she had forgotten to do that, she would have to do it right away when she and Micah got back to Nazareth...

This was her life; Jethro, Joanna, Hannah, and all the joy and work of raising them. Beards and houses and roofs, that was her life, and it would have all gone differently if she had said yes to that angel. And, she reminded herself, way back when she was 14, there was no way it would have worked. It wasn't really a real possibility.

For a moment, here at this wedding, she wished that she had been the one to give birth to Jesus. But it was just a wild dream, nothing more.

---------

Mary heard that Jesus had stirred up some trouble by healing on the Sabbath, and by preaching against the Pharisees' hypocrisy.

Part of her was glad to hear that he had healed on the Sabbath. He was doing good, helping people, and making a statement that doing good was more important than following all the little rules. At the same time, though, she worried, because she knew that people would be mad about it. Of course there would be people who were threatened by the idea that doing good was better than obeying their rules.

Did Jesus know what he was getting himself into? It was like he was just naively wandering into this politically volatile situation, with the Romans and the temple leaders, and thinking that something as simple as caring for a person in need could magically solve all of society's problems.

He wasn't just healing someone; he was making a statement. And he knew it. And Mary agreed with that statement, but wished Jesus hadn't made it, because it was risky. What could she possibly say to him though? She had already tried, and he always told her that he needed to do his Father's will, he had no other choice.

But she worried about him, every day when he was traveling somewhere, preaching. He didn't even have a real job. He relied on the hospitality of the crowds who followed him.

One evening, her son James came to see her after working in his shop all day. "Mother," he said. "Today I heard rumors that Jesus said our society is worse than Ninevah. At the judgment, the men of Ninevah will condemn this place, because they repented when Jonah preached, and we have not. People were talking about it today, Mother. It's not good that he's saying these things. I have to try to go talk to him."

Mary was terrified... but it absolutely did sound like something that Jesus would say. And she agreed with the general sentiment, though she would never say it in those words in public. She shook her head. Where was he now? Her son, her baby. Why couldn't he just come home and be safe? Why couldn't he just be a carpenter like Joseph and James?

When the angel had told her that the baby would be the Son of God, she didn't know it meant he would be preaching provocative things and getting himself in trouble all the time. That he couldn't just... be a normal human.

"Mother," James said, putting his arm around her. "I have to go and talk with him."

"I'll come with you," she said softly.

So Mary and her sons James, Joses, Simon, and Judas all set out to find Jesus and try to convince him to come home.

They asked around, and found out which house he was preaching in. When they got there, there was no way to get to him, because of the huge crowd. There must have been hundreds of people- men, women, and children- all trying to get a glimpse of him and hear what he was saying.

"Let us through," James said, trying to get to the door of the house. "We're his brothers, and here is his mother. We need to talk to him."

They couldn't get through, but people in the crowd noticed them, and someone near the front was able to get Jesus' attention and tell him that his mother and brothers were there.

"Who are my mother and brothers?" Mary heard Jesus say. "These are my mother and brothers! Whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." 

The crowd seemed to love this answer; Mary heard some people cheering and clapping. Apparently they were delighted at the idea that they could be Jesus' mother and brothers. They don't know anything, she thought angrily. They don't know what it's really like. It's awful.

James led the group of them back out of the crowd. They walked home, some of them angry and some of them sad. Joses was muttering to himself, "Who does he think he is?"

That night, Mary thought of the angel's words: "For nothing is impossible with God." That idea now seemed so far away, disconnected from anything real. She thought of what the old man at the temple had said: "A sword will pierce your own soul too." Yes, that was a much more accurate description of her life.

She felt like she had lost Jesus. He was so focused on this mission from God, and he didn't even want to talk to her. Why couldn't he come home and be safe and be her little boy again? They used to laugh together, and he used to carve animals in the scraps of wood at the shop. He used to play games with his brothers, running around outside, chasing each other and squealing. He used to help care for his brothers Simon and Judas, right after they were born and Mary was overwhelmed and needed help- Jesus was there and he knew how to hold them and care for them.

But now he had all these ideas about how he had to "do his Father's will," and she had lost him.

---------

Susanna was aware that Jesus was out there, preaching, gaining followers, performing miracles and healings. She knew he was the Son of God.

But then she went to listen to him teach a few times, and she saw him heal people, and she knew he was more than the Son of God.

He was unlike anyone else. The way he taught- about the kingdom of God, the least of these, loving your neighbor- it was so real and true and what the world needed to hear. The way he interacted with people, the way he stopped to talk with those who came to him asking for help, not paying attention to whether they were poor or disabled or unclean- he treated them like they really mattered, and like God really did love them. He was focused on the kingdom of God, a vision of how the world could be better, could be completely different, and he preached it everywhere he went. And he was so dedicated to God, so confident in his mission, so awed and desperate for God, he would sometimes go off alone for hours or days, just to pray.

He was the Son of God- Susanna knew that simply because the evidence all pointed to Mary having accepted the call to give birth as a virgin- but he was more than that. He was the Light of the World. He was the Way, the Truth, and the Life. He was going to change the world. 

She could have been the one to be his mother, but now that she knew Who he was, it was an overwhelming thought. An incredible task, being the one to raise such an amazing and world-changing man. Mostly, she was glad she hadn't accepted the angel's offer. It was too huge; she didn't know if she would really have been able to handle it.

But she did what she could to support him. She sent money for him and his disciples to buy food when they traveled. A few times, she hosted them in her home. She was so glad she had her quilt business and the steady income that came with it, enabling her to send money to Jesus without worrying about her own needs.

One day, Susanna and Abagail (who was now in charge of communicating with customers outside of Nazareth) were visiting customers in Jerusalem. While they were there, they heard Jesus had been arrested, and Susanna knew she had to go and find him. She left Abagail- she would have no problem handling the business deal on her own- and, still carrying her bag of fabric samples, hurried to the public square where Jesus was on trial before Pilate.

The crowd was so big, so loud and agitated. "What's going on?" she tried to ask the people around her. She couldn't see Jesus at all.

People were shouting, "Crucify him! Crucify him!" Susanna couldn't believe it. This couldn't happen; Jesus was the Son of God. He couldn't be crucified. They needed him, they all needed him! He was going to be the one to save them and change the world!

"What happened?" she frantically asked the people near her in the crowd.

"He wants to set himself up as a king!" one answered.

It wasn't true, no, it wasn't true! Why wouldn't someone do something? This couldn't happen. Where was God?

The crowd started to move forward, in a frenzy, as Jesus was led away to be crucified. Susanna still couldn't see anything that was happening. She clutched her bag tightly as she was pushed along by the crowd. 

They walked all the way out of the city, to Golgotha. Finally the crowd thinned out, and Susanna could see what was going on. 3 crosses. 3 men were crucified, and Jesus was there on the cross in the center.

She knelt down on the ground and cried. She could barely even look at him; he had been beaten so badly, completely covered in blood. How could this happen? He was the Son of God! He had healed so many people, performed so many miracles- why couldn't he have stopped this and saved himself? We need him, she thought. He was supposed to be the one to save us.

Some distance away from her, she saw a man and woman standing there, also looking at Jesus. Susanna recognized the woman as Mary, Jesus' mother, and the man as one of his disciples. In a raspy, belabored voice, Jesus called out to them, "Woman, here is your son," and to the man, "Here is your mother." He sounded like he could barely breathe.

He was telling the disciple to care for his mother. And Susanna realized, it could have been her. She felt like she was losing everything, kneeling at the cross where Jesus was crucified, but Mary was losing everything in a completely different way. At least Jethro, Joanna, and Hannah were safe.

After a while, Jesus cried out, "It is finished!" The sky grew darker and darker. Susanna stayed there at the cross, crying. Her bag of fabric samples lay on the ground beside her.

---------

Mary saw his body when he was taken down from the cross. Lifeless, covered in blood, his back completely torn up from the flogging, a crown of thorns on his head. 

Her son. She had worried about him for so long. She had feared this. He was gone... Why couldn't he have just stayed in Nazareth and worked as a carpenter? Why did he have to try and do all these grandiose things for God?

She should have tried harder to convince him to come back home. She should have... but... He wouldn't have listened. Even after he was arrested, he didn't even try to defend himself. He had stood before the chief priest and declared that he was the Son of Man, who would be seated at the right hand of God. He had stood before Pilate and said that he was a king, but his kingdom was not of this world. He had even told the thief on the cross, "Today you will be with me in paradise."

Why? Why didn't he even try to defend himself? Didn't he see that this was real, this was life-and-death, not one of those cute stories they tell children about doing the right thing. In the real world, innocent people are targeted and killed, and the best way to survive is just... just try to stay out of the way. 

Wow, Mary thought, when had she become so cynical? She remembered when the angel had visited her at age 14, and she was so eager to say yes to God. She thought it was an amazing adventure, and God had chosen her, and all those warm fuzzy feelings. And then, real life had happened. God put a miracle in her, and then sent her off into the cruel world, where that miracle was beaten down over and over, until they killed him, because he didn't belong here.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

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A week later, Susanna was back in the quilt shop in Nazareth. Life seemed to go on. She continued to do her job- measuring the fabric, sewing, keeping everything in the shop organized. The sadness was there in the back of her mind- how everything that Jesus preached about had been lost. His vision of making the world right, the first will be last and the last will be first, was just a fantasy. 

But she was okay. She had to be okay.

Until the day she heard two of her regular customers talking in the shop. One of them, a tall woman, said, "Some of Jesus' followers are saying they saw him alive! Can you believe that?" 

"Alive?" the other customer answered, and laughed.

Susanna answered without even thinking. "Where?" Her voice was louder than she intended, and she stared at them with wild eyes. Abagail also stopped what she was doing, bent over a table examining her quilt pattern, her long hair braided all down her back.

When no one answered, Susanna asked again, "Where?!"

"Jerusalem..." one of them said.

And somehow, somehow Susanna believed it. She believed that Jesus was alive again. He was the Son of God- if anyone could do it, it was him. Like the angel had said, "For nothing is impossible with God."

"I have to go see him..." she said.

"I'm coming with you," said Abagail.

The two of them packed a few things and hurried to Jerusalem as fast as they could.

When they got there, Susanna contacted Rachel, a rich woman who had hosted Jesus in her home before. "Yes, it's true," she said to Susanna and Abagail. "Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, he was buried, he was raised on the third day according to the Scriptures. He is alive. I've seen him."

But things were still dangerous, Rachel told them. The disciples wanted to keep Jesus' location a secret from the authorities, while still allowing his followers to see him. Rachel told them about a gathering that would be happening outside the city, where it was rumored that Jesus might appear.

They got there early in the morning, when the dew was still on the ground, but there was already a large crowd. And standing on top of a hill in the distance was Jesus. He was alive! The crowd around them was buzzing with excitement and happiness, and they couldn't hear anything Jesus was saying, so far away.

People pushed to try to get closer to Jesus. Susanna had experienced that many times before- people pushing to get to Jesus- but this time it was even more intense. Abagail was also pushing to get closer to him, and as the people jostled, she was pushed further and further away. Susanna strained to see Abagail's long braid, until eventually she had to give up, lost in the crowd.

But Susanna was excited just to see Jesus from a distance. He was alive! It was true, it was all true! Where, o death, is your victory? Jesus really was the Resurrection and the Life, and he was changing the world.

Hours later, Abagail finally met up with Susanna again, and they started on their way back to Nazareth. "I saw the nail marks in his hands," said Abagail. "I touched his hands." There were tears in her eyes. "He is the Son of God."

Susanna believed it. She hadn't gotten to touch him herself, but she believed it with all her heart.

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Mary couldn't stop hugging him and crying. He was alive! He had come back to her.

"It's just as Moses and the prophets said, Mother. I had to suffer and die and rise again."

He still had that pure, idealistic faith, and she loved him for it.

She thought of everything that had happened. How she had said yes to that angel, how she had given birth in a barn. How she tried to keep him from crying at night, always worried he would wake up Joseph, always worried that Joseph resented her for dragging him into this. How she had carried him and fled to Egypt. All the nights that she went hungry so that her children could have food to eat. All the arguments that she and Jesus had had, and how she constantly worried for his safety. How "a sword will pierce your own soul too."

It was all worth it, Mary thought, as she held her risen Son in her arms. It was real, what the angel had said, "For nothing is impossible with God."

And when Jesus told her that he was leaving to go up to heaven and sit at the right hand of his Father, she knew it was what he needed to do. She didn't try to stop him. She was just glad she had been able to know him, to be his mom, to experience miracles firsthand, to hold him again after he conquered death.

"My soul glorifies the Lord," Mary said, "and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior."

---------

She always wondered, what if she had made a different choice? But this was her life; she was proud of what she had done, the person she had become, and everything she had lived through. She wouldn't trade it for anything.

---------

More bible fanfics:

Love Wins (an Ezra fanfic)

Strange Fire

Noah's Evangelism

The Scars

It wasn't like that for Mary. Maybe it's never like that. 

Bathsheba's Son

Honest Lent: It's Okay Not to Read the Bible

Drawing of a man in front of Jesus' tomb saying, "As long as the tomb is closed, Jesus is both alive and dead!" Caption says, "Saint Schrodinger, the forgotten disciple." Image source.

Hi everyone, happy Easter! He is risen~ So I've been doing this series called Honest Lent, but for the past week I haven't posted anything about it, and that's fine. I've been busy, and also I wasn't really feeling inspired by any of the passages on the list. And that's totally okay.

I used to read the bible every day, just like good Christians are supposed to. In college, I set my alarm and got up early so I'd have about 40 minutes to an hour before classes, to read the bible and pray. I did it because I loved God, yes, but there was always this feeling like "if I miss a day, I'm being bad. God has done so much for me, the least I can do is set aside a little bit of time every day for him." If I missed a day, that meant I was ungrateful and I didn't value my relationship with God.

There was one day I slept through my alarm and didn't wake up til the afternoon. (Being a college student, I was constantly so incredibly sleep-deprived.) I had already missed several classes, but I decided to skip another one so I could read the bible. Because that was the most important thing. I trusted that if I put God first, God would make sure I didn't face any negative consequences for skipping class.

Years of living that way, putting all that guilt on myself if I missed a day, and the result is that now I can hardly read the bible at all. It causes so much stress- I feel like I have to read it, I have to spend time and focus, no distractions, I have to find some inspiring message, some positive truth that will help me as I go about my day, I have to like it, I have to pray, every day I have to treat the bible with the attention and respect it deserves. Or else I'm bad- I'm a bad Christian, I'm putting other things before God, God loves me so much and I can't even stop for half an hour and spend time with God, I'm so bad and ungrateful.

But Jesus said, "The Sabbath was made for people, not people for the Sabbath." Religious activities like reading the bible are meant to be good for us. They're not meant to be a huge burden that causes mental illness. And right now, the healthiest thing for me is to NOT read the bible, and to know that it doesn't make me a "bad Christian."

So when I decided to do Honest Lent, I was very clear about how it did NOT mean I would be reading the bible every day. I would only read the bible when I felt like it, and I would only write blog posts about it when I felt like it. And during Holy Week I didn't feel like it at all, and that's okay. I didn't "fail" at Honest Lent. There's nothing to feel bad about. I wrote a lot of good posts, I enjoyed writing them, and it was healthy and not stressful. Just because I didn't read the bible every day and I didn't write anything for Honest Lent during Holy Week doesn't mean I've done something wrong. The goal was never to read the bible every day- the goal was to read the bible in an amount that is healthy for me. And I did that.

Because I really do like the bible, and I want to read it more, but right now the only way I can do so is if I explicitly reassure myself that it's okay not to read the bible, and it's okay to not like certain passages, and it's okay to feel whatever feelings I feel- I don't have to be "inspired" and "fed" and learn some nice things about God or whatever.

The Sabbath was made for us, not us for the Sabbath.

Anyway, it's Easter, I'm not going to church and that's okay. I love Easter, and I believe in resurrection. Yes, I believe in The Resurrection, but more importantly, I believe in resurrection. Not just that it's a thing that happened one time 2000 years ago, but that the whole world looks forward to resurrection. Resurrection for everything and everyone.

Happy Easter, and remember, it's okay not to read the bible.

Honest Lent: Teacher's Pet, God's Pet

A little girl gives an apple to her teacher. Image source.

For Honest Lent, let's read Mark 10:35-45.

This is the story where James and John show up and ask Jesus if they can sit as his right and left in his kingdom. Jesus more or less says no, and uses it as an opportunity to talk about wanting greatness by being a servant, etc.

But the bit I want to talk about is where Jesus says, "but to sit at my right or left is not for me to grant. These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared." (Matthew's account of this story says, "These places belong to those for whom they have been prepared by my Father.")

I remember one time, long ago, reading that verse and wondering, "Wait, does that mean that 2 people actually will get to sit at Jesus' right and left? And God the Father will pick them? ... I wonder if it'll be me."

Because I used to be that good kid that got unexpectedly recognized and rewarded by teachers. Most of the time, I was just quiet, didn't really talk to anyone, kind of lonely, didn't really understand the entire concept of social interaction. I just did what the teachers said we were supposed to do. Do homework, don't make trouble, etc.

And most of the time, it felt like no one really noticed me. But every now and then, there would be a "one amazing student is getting this special reward/ opportunity" and suddenly the teacher was talking about how smart I was.

And I used to wonder if God saw me that way too. I was good little girl, I was following all the rules- but that meant I didn't stand out. Because in general, if you don't make trouble, the adults don't have to step in and deal with you. (The principal at my elementary school knew all the "bad" kids' names, but not mine.) But apparently my good grades and math ability spoke for themselves, and every now and then there was some pretty great unexpected recognition. And I wondered if God would do that for me too.

I read about Mary, how the angel visited her and said she had been chosen to give birth to the Son of God. Could that have been me? I wondered. Did God pick her because she was the best at following all the rules, getting good grades, and not making trouble, like me?

And I read the story of Noah, about how God killed everyone because they were all bad except Noah and his family. And I was scared- because what if, among the victims of the flood, there was a little girl like me, who was quiet and didn't attract attention, who was good all the time but most people didn't notice... and God didn't notice? God said everyone in the world was so bad they deserved to die, except Noah and his family, but ... could God have missed some of the quiet ones?

Like the times that our teacher would make a whole long speech about how our class was so bad and we need to get our act together. I hadn't done anything bad, but they hadn't noticed me. A bunch of kids in the class were "being bad," so the teacher said we were all being bad. What if God was like that?

One more thing I'd like to say: I no longer define "good" and "bad" in that way. Back when I was a little kid, my identity was very much based on "I'm smart" and I thought I was better than the other kids because of that. I don't necessarily think that was a bad thing for me at the time- I didn't really fit in or have friends, and the adults always said the most important thing was education, not something "shallow" like having a social life- so it would have been difficult for me to not see the world that way. But now I'm an adult, and nobody hands me a list of number theory problems and then tells me I'm so much smarter than everyone else when I get them all right. And "goodness" doesn't mean just avoiding bad behavior (though that's consistent with evangelical teaching on "sin" and how "God takes sin very seriously", blah), but it means actually making a difference in the world. And it's better to make mistakes in your efforts to do good in the world than to just lay low and not break any rules.

Honest Advent: Am I Above the Bible?

Image text: "Why we believe the Bible." Yeah, acting as if "believe the bible" is a well-defined statement is a HUGE red flag. Image source.

Today's Honest Advent reading is Mark 13:33-37:

"Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when that time will come. It’s like a man going away: He leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with their assigned task, and tells the one at the door to keep watch.

“Therefore keep watch because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back— whether in the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: ‘Watch!’”

All right. Well the context here is Jesus is talking about the end of the world or the destruction of the temple in 70 AD (take your pick). SO MUCH SIDE-EYE from me for whoever decided to include this in a list of "Advent readings." Like we're supposed to read it and think it's about how Jesus is coming, as in, Christmas will be soon, but it's not about that at all.

Unless- wait. Are there some Christians who draw some kind of connection between Advent and "the second coming"? Like, both are about "waiting for Jesus to come." Wow I have never thought of that before.

And this bit about "keeping watch"- yeah, I don't buy that. I don't expect "the second coming" to happen in my lifetime, so I'm not going to modify my behavior based on it. If we should be kind to people, well there are way better reasons to be kind to people besides "what if Jesus suddenly appears when you are being mean?" Really not a fan of fear-based obedience.

(And I don't necessarily believe in "the second coming" anyway. I believe in resurrection- someday the whole world will be resurrected, but I don't really have any specific beliefs about the details. ["Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven."] But no, it won't be like the Left Behind books.)

All right. So overall I feel kind of "meh" about this Mark 13 passage. But here's what I really want to talk about today: For Honest Advent I'm reading the bible and just saying what I think. I'm not forcing myself to feel certain things ("close to God", inspired, spiritually deep) or feeling like I'm a failure as a Christian when I don't feel them. Because- I mean for real, why on earth would anyone expect they can spend 10 minutes reading a few sentences from a 2000-year-old book translated from an ancient language and come away with some cute little positive life lesson for the day? Like why do I feel like I'm a bad Christian because I can't manufacture those feelings? I'm not the one who's weird- the weird ones are those who expect each bible verse to be a sentimental little Hallmark card. (But that's really how I read the bible when I was an evangelical. Read a chapter, certain that I can understand it and find some way that God is speaking to me and it totally applies to my life now. What a bizarre thing to expect.)

So I'm just reading it and telling you what I honestly think. Some parts I like, some parts I don't. Some parts I agree with, some parts I don't.

It's like the bible is a thing which I judge and criticize. Like I'm the one who's in control, and I get to decide which parts are good and which are bad. That feels so weird and heretical. Back when I was an evangelical, I very strongly believed that the bible was an authority that I had to submit to. Everything in the bible is right and good, and if there's something I don't like, well that's my problem, I need to learn to accept it and believe that yes, it is right and good.

I thought the bible was an authority over my life- as if the bible was able to say things on its own. I now believe that no, the bible doesn't just say anything "clearly"; it's always people interpreting it. And before, when I believed I was submitting to God because I forced myself to accept what the bible said even when I didn't like it, I wasn't submitting to God or the bible- I was submitting to one particular version of God and one particular interpretation of the bible, the one created by 21st-century white American evangelical culture. Created by people.

And since it's created by people, it's not above questioning. They created a way to interpret the bible and told me it wasn't an interpretation, that it was just what the bible plainly said. That was a lie. And then I found Christian feminists who have a different interpretation, and that interpretation makes way more sense. (But here's the key: I say it "makes way more sense" because it fits with the worldview I already have, and my intuitive sense of what words like "morality", "justice", and "love" mean. For someone with a different worldview, maybe a different interpretation of the bible would "feel" more "obviously true." Everyone can create their own version of Christianity- not the other way around.)

Anyway, so about the bible. All Christians choose which parts are the most important and which parts we don't need to worry about. All Christians do this. Even the evangelicals/fundamentalists who boast "I believe the bible"- do they wear clothes with different kinds of material? Do they only own one shirt? Now you're going to say "well of course we don't have to follow those commands- they don't apply to us today." And I'm saying, yes, that's my point exactly, you've decided that these particular verses can pretty much be ignored, but the Romans road is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN ALL OF CHRISTIANITY, so yeah, just like I said, all Christians pick which parts of the bible are more important than others. And that picking is done solely based on people's opinions. There's nothing in the bible that says "HEY this verse is the most important verse in the bible, and then these ones here are only for the people in this culture." No. People decide that.

It's not actually possible to let the bible be an authority over your life. It's certainly possible to let an evangelical interpretation of the bible be an authority over your life- I used to live that way. But the bible itself doesn't really say anything about my life in an obvious way- no, it's people who determine how we should connect the bible to our modern lives. I feel like such a heretic for saying "I like this verse, I don't agree with that verse", but isn't that exactly what the evangelical church does, except they use more spiritual-sounding language? "Oh this one is a ceremonial law, so it's only for ancient Israel. Oh this one is about same-sex relationships, which we all know are disgusting, so obviously it's true for all of time." And even though the bible has A LOT TO SAY about foreskins, I don't think I've heard one single sermon on them.

The bible can't direct my life. I can either submit to someone else's interpretation of the bible, or make my own. Those are the only options. Submitting to the bible itself is not possible.

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