One Of You Will Betray Me (a bible fanfic)

Clipart image of a church. Image source.

[content note: anti-gay bigotry]

---

Sunday morning, Judas was at the door of the church, greeting people as they walked in. The church lobby was crowded that morning, as people scurried around with their bibles and coffee cups. When he heard the music start inside the sanctuary, Judas made his way in and found a seat in one of the pews near the back, next to a young woman with two braids and a pink skirt.

"Oh hi!" she said. "Good morning! I'm Jamie, that's my brother John, and that's Joshua," she spoke over the music and gestured at the two guys on the other side of her.

"I'm Judas Iscariot," answered Judas. John, whose hair was the exact same shade of brown as Jamie's, leaned over to shake his hand. Joshua, who was taller and skinnier than John, waved from the end of the pew.

"It's our first time here, and these two are too shy to talk to anyone," continued Jamie. "What would they do without me?"

Judas was always excited to see new people at church. And after the service was over, Jamie chatted with him for a while, and invited him for dinner with the three of them at her apartment.

---

Judas arrived at the address that Jamie had given him. At the door of the apartment building, there was a name directory on the wall, and he pressed the button next to "421 J Fisher." He went up in the elevator to Jamie's apartment, where she was in the kitchen with John and Joshua, assembling plates of nachos. Her hair was still in two braids, like he had seen it at church, but she was wearing jeans now. Jamie handed him a plate, and after Judas got his nachos ready, he and Jamie went to the living room.

She put her plate on a small white table, and sat on the floor with the tv remote. Judas sat on a large purple bean bag chair. She started scrolling through menus, and said, "Okay, so I'm thinking we should watch Star Wars. I always like to watch Star Wars with new people. You can tell a lot about a person by watching Star Wars with them."

"Oooh!" said Judas. "Wow it's been a long time since I've watched these. Yeah, let's do that. Which episode do you like?"

"Okay," Jamie turned and faced him. "Unpopular opinion: I actually like the prequels."

Judas was intrigued. "Weren't they mostly about trade routes being blockaded, or something? Something very boring?"

Jamie scrunched her nose. "Okay, yeah, there was way too much of that in episode 1. But. Listen. Qui-Gon Jinn was right about everything."

Just when Judas started to consider that, he heard John's voice from behind him, "Oh no."

Judas turned to look at John, who had sat down on the couch with his nachos and glass of water. Judas asked, "You don't like the Star Wars prequels?"

"I just don't like hearing her talk about them all the time!" John said, and Jamie gasped like she was pretending to be offended. "I'm not watching Star Wars with her."

"I bet Josh wants to watch it," Jamie said. "Hey, let's not even watch the prequels, let's watch Empire, everyone knows that one's the best."

"No," said John.

"You're no fun," said Jamie.

"So, uh, it's okay, we can watch something else," Judas said, unsure about whether he should try to stop their bickering.

"Yes," said John. "Judas should pick."

Jamie handed the remote to Judas, and he started clicking through the menus. Jamie was happy to offer her opinion on every single movie.

As Judas was looking through the list of comedy movies, Jamie suddenly exclaimed, in a fake high voice, "Oh my god, look how cute!" She wasn't looking at the tv; she was looking at something behind him. 

Judas flinched a little, hearing her take the Lord's name in vain. He turned and looked behind him, where John and Joshua were sitting on the couch. Joshua was leaning close to John and had his arm around him, and John was glaring at Jamie. The way they were sitting together... it was like they were a couple. Judas suddenly felt panicked- were they...? If they were... He had come here, to Jamie's apartment, not suspecting anything like that at all, and... if... but it's a sin, don't they know that? But he had to make sure he didn't act different toward them because of it. He couldn't act like he was judging them. Suddenly things had become very difficult to navigate.

"Look at these two lovebirds!" Jamie gushed, and Judas was even more concerned and horrified, because that confirmed it.

"Stop it," John said to Jamie, clearly annoyed, and Joshua pulled away from him, looking uncertain.

"So," Jamie said to Judas. "Okay, this is such a cute story. So, after John graduated, he moved in with me here. But then, look who he met! And now he has moved into Josh's apartment. Wow, that's wonderful! Weirdly, though, all his stuff is still here!"

"Ugggh, can you stop telling people I moved? I still live here," said John.

"Listen to him, he's hilarious," she said to Judas, as she gestured at John. "'I still live here.' When was the last time you spent the night here?"

John stopped, seemingly unsure about what to say to that. Joshua spoke up, "So, how about we watch the movie?"

They started up a comedy movie, and Judas thought about the situation. So, John and Joshua were in a relationship. And, they were living together. Definitely not okay. Judas didn't know what to do. He was sure he shouldn't say anything about it to them directly. He needed to "hate the sin, love the sinner"- he needed to earn their trust before they would be willing to listen to him about it. 

Besides this issue, the three of them seemed like fun people. Judas was actually really curious to hear what Star Wars opinions Jamie had which annoyed her brother so much. Maybe he could hang out with them more, and become friends. And maybe they would keep coming to church. Once they were more committed to following God, maybe it would be easier to talk to them about this sin.

As he drove home that night, Judas prayed and asked God to help him know what to do.

---

The next day, Judas texted Jamie. "So, you said you like qui gon, what about Mace Windu?"

Less than a minute later, her reply came. "Okay. The thing about Mace Windu. we all love Samuel L Jackson obviously, and people fall into the trap of thinking that means mace windu is also a total badass. But he's not. It's a trap!"

Judas smiled. The way she talked, the way she had so many things to say about Star Wars, it was fascinating to him.

They texted about it for several hours that day.

---

"I'm not playing monopoly with you," said John.

"Come on," Jamie said. "Monopoly is a great game! I'll even let you be the hat."

"I don't want to be the hat, and I am not playing monopoly," said John.

"Josh wants to play it," answered Jamie. "Hey, remember that time it was just me and Josh and we played monopoly, that was fun, right?" 

"Yeah, I mean, it was fine. Sort of a case of managing my expectations. I knew you weren't gonna go easy on me," said Joshua.

"See? He loved it!" Jamie said to John. John rolled his eyes, and Jamie continued, "I am an absolute delight to play monopoly with."

"Okay, not true," said John.

"Hey, um, guys..." Joshua tried to interrupt.

"Wait wait wait, I know what game we should play!" announced Jamie. "It's a really fun game called Pack Up Johnny's Stuff Because He Doesn't Live Here Anymore."

"Jamie-" John started to say.

"Hey, guys," Joshua said. "Are we going to play something or not? If you can't pick, me and Judas are gonna pick. Now," he looked at the stack of board game boxes. "what's parcheesi?"

"Oh man, remember when we used to play parcheesi at Grandma's?" said Jamie. "Oh we are SO playing parcheesi."

"I just said me and Judas are gonna pick," said Joshua, looking at Judas.

"Well I don't know what parcheesi is, but okay," Judas answered.

Parcheesi turned out to be a game about moving little colored tokens around a board. Jamie played it like it was the most high-stakes, cutthroat strategy game.

---

"Here's what I don't understand," said Jamie, a week later when they were having dinner at her apartment again. "Hypothetically. Just, let's imagine a hypothetical situation here. Now. Why would someone need two guitars?"

"Oh great," said John.

"What...?" Judas started to ask.

"Two guitars," she continued. "That seems like a lot of guitars to have. Especially for someone who DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE."

"Okay, first of all, I live here," said John. "And second, they're not my guitars, they're Josh's."

"Oh!" Jamie gasped. "Oh, well, that's totally different. We love Josh. Josh can leave as many guitars here as he wants. You know what," she turned to John again, "you should really move your stuff out so Josh has more space for his guitars."

"Oh, sorry, I just, I just left them here last time..." Joshua said.

"It's okay! No worries!" said Jamie. "Hey can you play us a song?"

Joshua looked embarrassed. John smiled at him and asked, "Do you want to play something? You should."

So Joshua got one of the guitars, and the three of them watched as he started to strum it. He seemed nervous at first, but after a minute he started to sing a worship song:

"Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend."

It was beautiful- the way the whole room was quiet except for Joshua's voice, the way they all sat there enraptured, in an atmosphere of worship to God. Joshua closed his eyes, and started to sing louder and more passionately as he got to the chorus:

"You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near."

He went back and sang the beginning of the song again, and the rest of them joined in. Judas felt great, like he was really feeling the presence of God. He thought about how happy he was to have met Jamie, John, and Joshua. 

And he saw Joshua's love for God. It seemed that Joshua was getting closer to God, and Judas was happy to see that. And, Judas thought, maybe soon Joshua would realize that being in a homosexual relationship was a sin. Judas wouldn't need to say anything to him about it; God would convict him. That would be the best way for it to go.

---

Every week, Judas saw the three of them at church. Jamie would sit next to Judas and make comments which annoyed her brother.

"John. Johnny. Johntober. I made up a song for you," she was saying. 

John shushed her; one of the pastors was up front making announcements about events going on at the church. "We're be starting these community groups next month," said the pastor. "If you're interested in volunteering, email the church office."

---

When Judas arrived at Jamie's apartment on Friday night, she met him at the door, and closed it behind her as she stepped out into the hallway. "Hey," she said, very seriously, "Josh lost his job at the furniture store. He's really broken up about it."

"Oh no," said Judas.

She narrowed her eyes angrily. "They made some bullshit excuse about his 'lack of people skills' or something. Ridiculous, right? But it's really messed him up. ... He doesn't even want to play parcheesi, can you believe that?" she asked. Judas was pretty sure that Joshua and John had no interest in parcheesi to begin with, and only played it with Jamie so she wouldn't force them to play monopoly, but, okay, sure.

Judas and Jamie entered her apartment, and found Joshua and John in the kitchen, with 2 pizzas. Joshua did look a bit upset, as Jamie had said. John was putting pizza on plates for both of them, while Joshua looked down with a forlorn expression.

"Hey guys, look who's here!" Jamie announced.

"Hi Judas," said John. "This one's pepperoni and that one's mushroom and extra cheese." Then he balanced the two plates on one arm and put his other hand on Joshua's arm. "We're gonna go pick a movie," he said as he led Joshua out of the kitchen. As Jamie started to say something, John called back from the living room, "We don't need any suggestions, Jamie!"

"Move your stuff out!" she yelled back to him.

"Was that a suggestion?" came his answer, and Jamie rolled her eyes.

The four of them got their pizza and settled onto the living room couches to watch some comedy movie that John and Joshua had picked. Partway through the movie, John leaned closer to Joshua and started stroking his shoulder, while Joshua continued to stare at the tv. Judas felt a little uncomfortable, and wondered if John was touching him because of his sinful desires, or just to encourage Joshua when he felt sad.

When the movie ended, Jamie got up and started to pick up their plates. Joshua stood up too, and said, "No, no, I can do that."

"See, this is what I mean when I said you are like, the nicest person," said Jamie. "You are definitely gonna find a new job. Don't worry." The two of them went into the kitchen, leaving John and Judas sitting around on the couch and bean bag chair.

"Maybe I can help him," Judas said to John. "I sometimes interview people at work." (Judas worked in the financial industry.) "I can help him with his resume and interview skills."

"That would be great. Thanks, man," John answered.

Joshua and Jamie came back into the living room. Joshua sat down, and John put his hand on Joshua's knee. "Babe, Judas is gonna help you with your resume."

"Yeah, let's meet up on like, Monday, maybe?" said Judas. "And... I'll pray for you. It's gonna be okay."

When Judas went home that night, he did pray for Joshua. He prayed that God would help Joshua find a new job. And he prayed that Joshua would be open to God's plan for his life.

---

On Monday afternoon, Judas arrived at Joshua's apartment building, and texted Joshua to come down and let him in. Joshua showed up in a white T-shirt and jeans, with slippers on his feet. As he and Judas got into the elevator, Joshua said, "My apartment is kinda small... I don't know if maybe we should go to the Starbucks across the street instead..."

It was a studio apartment, big enough for a bed and basically nothing else. The bed had a wrinkled blue blanket. Next to the bed was a desk with a laptop computer and piles of papers, and a small chair. Judas looked around and saw a kitchen area on the left. The stove had a small stack of plastic boxes with half-finished baked goods inside, and several coffee mugs sat on the counter.

Judas's first impression was a bit of disgust at seeing the bed. This was where Joshua and John were... together. His second thought was, "Well now I understand why John doesn't move his things into here- there's no space at all. Does Jamie know that?" His third thought was, "Why does John even come here? It's a mess. Well, I guess, temptation."

Joshua pulled out the desk chair a bit, careful not to hit a box of books on the floor next to it. "Here, sit down," he said, and Judas awkwardly sat in the chair. 

Joshua smoothed the blanket and sat down on the corner of the bed. "Okay. Umm. You know, actually, do you want to go to Starbucks? There's not really a good place for both of us to sit here."

So they took Joshua's laptop and went down to the Starbucks across the street, and Judas felt much better. Judas ordered coffee for both of them, and paid for it himself. He felt that he should do that, since Joshua had just lost his job.

Joshua opened up his resume document and passed the computer to Judas. Judas was glad to have something to focus on. He was glad to be able to help Joshua. This was something he could do to show God's love to him. Hate the sin, love the sinner.

They worked on it for a few hours, discussing Joshua's work history and skills and how to convey that in a way that potential employers would like. He didn't just need help with writing the resume; he also needed encouragement. Losing his job had really damaged his confidence, and he seemed hesitant to even talk about his strengths now.

"I don't even know why I got fired," Joshua said. "They didn't give a real reason. They just said my people skills weren't very good, but... that doesn't even make sense. That's not a real reason..."

"Yeah," Judas agreed. "I think it sounds like their own problem, and doesn't really have to do with you at all. ... Most people have lost their jobs, at some point in their life. You will move on from this and get a better job." And Judas really believed that too. There was nothing wrong with Joshua's professional skills. He was sure Joshua would be able to find a better job, and he was happy to support him in this.

---

A few days later, Judas spent most of the afternoon texting with Jamie about Doctor Who. She had never watched it, and clearly that needed to be remedied. When Judas showed up at Jamie's apartment for dinner and game night, he found Joshua and Jamie talking in the kitchen.

"...Okay, great, that'll work great," Joshua was saying.

"Yeah," Jamie said. "Hey look, Judas is here." She nudged Joshua with her elbow. "Tell him, tell him."

Joshua looked at Judas. "Oh. It's not that big a deal. You know how the church is going to launch those community groups, and we'll be reading a book on prayer? I just volunteered to host one of the groups. And Jamie said I can use her apartment. The living room here is great. I mean, you saw my apartment, I don't have space to have people over."

"Wow, cool," said Judas, but it didn't feel right. Joshua was going to be a small group leader? He couldn't do that, not when he was so obviously living a sinful lifestyle. 

Judas was sure somebody at the church would refuse, if Joshua tried to volunteer for it.

---

Judas was on the schedule to be a greeter the next Sunday, so he was at the Wednesday night church meeting.

Molly, the church secretary, was clicking through the powerpoint slides as the meeting went along. "Okay, so the next thing," she said, adjusting her glasses. "The small group leaders have to pick up the books this Sunday. We're just gonna have a table in the lobby. If you need the books but you won't be here on Sunday, you can stop by the church sometime next week and get them."

He saw Joshua's name on the powerpoint slide with the list of small group leaders. Oh no, thought Judas. He thought somebody at the church would have ... somebody would have screened him out.

"Umm, wait," Judas spoke up. "Umm... you have Joshua Lamb on the list. But... he's... actually..." Everyone was looking at him. "... same-sex attracted." Wait, the issue wasn't the attraction, there's nothing wrong with being same-sex attracted on its own, the sin is that he was acting on it... "I mean... he's... he's not submitting to Christ in that area of his life."

The room was totally silent. The other church leaders looked horrified.

"So, you mean he's a practicing homosexual?" asked the pastor, Caiaphas, from the back of the room.

"Yes," said Judas, timidly.

"Oh, wow, thanks for telling us this," Pastor Caiaphas said. "Take him off the list. Judas, can you just let him know we took him off the list?"

Judas agreed, but he had no idea what he would say to Joshua. How do you "hate the sin and love the sinner"?

---

Judas sat next to Jamie at church. When the service ended, they started to gather their things, and she asked him, "So. I've heard there are a bunch of Doctor Whos. Doctors Who? Like 10 or 12 or 13 or something. Which one are we gonna watch?"

"Well, mostly I've watched the episodes with David Tennant, so I guess we would start there," said Judas.

"All right, and which of us is going to talk John into making nachos?" she said.

Judas looked past her and caught a glimpse of John and Joshua filing out of the sanctuary with everyone else. Suddenly, Judas realized he had forgotten to tell Joshua about the small group thing. The small group leaders were supposed to pick up their books in the lobby right after the service. Judas had to get to Joshua before Joshua got to the lobby.

In a panic, he tried to weave his way around the other churchgoers. Up ahead, he could see John and Joshua. "Oh no," he thought. He hadn't even had time to figure out what to say. He hadn't had time to pray about it. "Help me, God," he prayed. "Help me know what to say." He was terrified, dreading the awkwardness of telling Joshua he couldn't be a small group leader because of his... homosexuality.

He wondered if he should have taken Joshua out for coffee and discussed it there.

So many things ran through his mind as he tried to get past people and catch up with Joshua. There wasn't time to figure out what to say. He would just need to focus on speaking the truth in love. Whatever he did, it had to be about love.

Joshua was already at the table, where a woman named Cindy was sitting with several stacks of books and a name list. She was checking the list and telling him that his name wasn't on it. John stood nearby, fiddling with his jacket and looking a bit bored as he waited for Joshua.

"Hey, uh, hey, Joshua," Judas started to say. Joshua turned around so fast, not realizing Judas was right behind him. His face was so close to Judas's, Judas had a fleeting terrified thought that Joshua was going to kiss him. No, he realized, his mind was being ridiculous because he was so nervous. He tried to breathe and calm down. He looked at Joshua and managed to say, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Joshua looked at him, mildly concerned but not as panicked as Judas was. "Yeah, I just, they're saying they don't have my name..."

"Hey, so, uh," Judas lowered his voice and took a step away from the table, and Joshua followed him. "So it's... the church decided you..." He was so scared, but he knew he needed to tell the truth, that's what God would want. "...you can't lead a group... because... you know..."

Wide-eyed and shocked, Joshua asked, "Because... why?"

Judas didn't want to say it. He wished he could be anywhere but here. But, he reminded himself, the most loving thing we can do is warn people about their sin. "Because of your... struggles... with... same-sex attraction."

"What?" asked Joshua.

Judas had to do this, for God. God was watching. God needed him to warn his friend about sin. "We care about you... we don't want you to feel bad... but it's just... I can't condone your lifestyle... and the small group leaders need to be more spiritually mature..."

John came up behind Joshua and put his hand on his shoulder, but Joshua shrugged him off.

Cindy was watching, Jamie was watching, everybody was watching, and Judas felt so bad. Like he was hurting Joshua. Why did he feel so bad for obeying God?

"You don't think I'm spiritually mature enough?" Joshua asked, looking more and more pained.

"Well... you... God's design for sex," Judas said, a bit too loudly in the middle of the church lobby. He felt so awkward. Everyone was looking at them. "It's supposed to be one man, one woman." He almost said something about "Adam and Steve" but he stopped himself. This was all happening so fast and he felt like he was doing it all wrong. Racking his brain for anything else to say, he finally got out, "And... you need more time to work on looking for a new job now. And also your people skills."

A new wave of shock and sadness came over Joshua's face. John stepped forward and put his hand in front of Joshua, protectively. "I'm going to ask you this one time," John said, his voice low with barely-concealed anger. "Are you saying that, no matter what we do, this church is never going to accept our relationship?"

Judas felt trapped. Why did God put him here? Why did God have to send him out to stand in front of his friends and tell them what God said about their sin? All this time, Judas had thought that if John and Joshua just came to church and got to know God, they would figure out themselves that it was a sin, and they would break up, and Judas wouldn't even have to say anything, and wouldn't that just be better for everybody?

It was so hard to walk that line between "hate the sin" and "love the sinner."

But he had to say it.

"No," Judas answered. "We can't." And his voice shook, but he knew he had to say it, for God. "It's just what the bible says."

"Okay," John answered. With his bible in one hand, he started to guide Joshua out of the church.

Judas watched them go, feeling so awful. People were staring. He had tried so hard, but it felt like it had all come out wrong. Well, he just had to pray that God would use his imperfect words to somehow speak to Joshua.

And then suddenly, Jamie was right there in front of him. "I can't believe this. I thought you were his friend," she said angrily, and she turned and strode to the door of the church.

Judas wanted so bad for her to understand. He didn't want her to say he wasn't Joshua's friend. He hurried after her, and finally caught up to her in the parking lot.

"Jamie, wait-"

She spun around and pointed her finger at him. "No, you listen, Judas Iscariot. You come to my home, you eat my nachos, and now you're throwing my brother's boyfriend under the bus."

"It's not throwing under the bus! It's just the church policy! And, and, it's a sin! I'm just telling you what the bible says!"

"You don't know!" she yelled, and her braids bounced against her shoulders. "You don't know where John was before he met Josh! You don't know what Josh has done for him!"

"Yeah, but, I mean, he could have done it without dating..."

Jamie shook her head in disgust, turned, and started to walk away. "You don't know," was all she said.

As he watched them drive away, he had a nagging feeling like he had done something wrong. Like he shouldn't have said those things to Joshua. But he had done it out of love. See, Judas was the one who actually cared about Joshua, unlike his boyfriend. Judas was the one who cared enough to tell the truth about his sin. Right? Then why did he feel so bad?

That evening, Judas wanted to text Jamie and ask if she still wanted to watch Doctor Who. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was sure she didn't want to talk to him.

---

Judas ran through it in his head, over and over. Part of him was sure he had done the right thing. He had spoken the truth in love. Of course Joshua couldn't be leading a small group if he didn't repent. That was just the simple truth of it. Judas hadn't said anything wrong. He had just told the truth about sin.

But, he felt terrible. Honestly, he had never wanted to talk to Joshua or John about... homosexuality. All this time, he had been hoping he would never need to say anything about it, and they would figure out it was a sin on their own.

"God, I did what you wanted," he prayed. "I did my best. But I feel so bad. Help me."

---

On Saturday night, Judas texted Pastor Caiaphas, to ask if they could talk before the Sunday morning service.

The pastor would know how to help with this problem, Judas thought. He would help him figure out what to say to his friends, to make things right. So they could be friends again. The pastor would know how to strike the right balance between "hate the sin" and "love the sinner." How to say to John and Joshua, in a loving way, that the church loves them but it's a sin to... to... to act on their homosexual desires.

Basically, advising them to break up, right? Judas rubbed his eyes with his hands. Of course that would be an awkward conversation. Of course they wouldn't take it well. Of course they wouldn't accept what he said. Because they were stuck in their sin... Judas really really didn't want to talk to them about any of this. Why couldn't God just tell them Himself? Why did Judas need to be involved, trying to tell them what to do with their sex lives? But now this had already happened, so he had to tell them something.

Pastor Caiaphas would know what to do.

He got to the church early on Sunday morning, and took the small hallway behind the foyer to get to Pastor Caiaphas's office. He saw light from the small window in the office door, streaming into the dimly-lit hallway. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

The door opened, and Pastor Caiaphas was there, wearing his glasses and suit and tie. "Come in, come in," he said, motioning to Judas to sit down in a chair. "Now, what did you want to see me about?"

Judas sat in the chair, and looked down at the edge of the pastor's desk, trying to gather his thoughts. "Well," he began nervously. "It's about... my friend... Joshua. You know the one I, uh, mentioned in the meeting last time. Last week. Uh, a week and a half ago."

"Hmm?" The pastor didn't seem to remember.

"You know, when we were... the list of the small group leaders..."

"Oh, the homosexual." Pastor Caiaphas suddenly looked worried. "You did tell him he couldn't lead the group, right?"

"Yes, I told him," said Judas, wishing that he hadn't.

"Oh," Pastor Caiaphas nodded, relieved. "Great."

Judas looked up at him, desperate for some answer to this. He remembered how Joshua had looked at him, how heartbroken he seemed to be, and Judas wanted so badly to make it better. 

"So," the pastor said, glancing at his watch, "is that it?"

"Uh," Judas said. "I just... he hasn't talked to me since then. I feel really bad, like maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe I ruined our friendship. ... I just want to... like... I want him to know that I still care about him... you know... we are all sinners, and we want to show love to people who are struggling with ... that..."

"Ah, I think I have something that could help you," said Pastor Caiaphas. He picked up his leather-bound bible which was on the corner of the desk, and started to flip through it.

Finally, thought Judas. There was going to be some answer in the bible. There would be a verse about how to "hate the sin and love the sinner." How to make his friends really understand that he cared about them and wasn't judging them even though their lifestyle was sinful.

The pastor continued to flip through the pages of his bible, than stopped and looked off into the distance as he tried to remember which verse he was looking for. "Hang on, let me search it on the computer."

Judas sat there and waited as Pastor Caiaphas sat down at the desk, opposite to Judas, and typed away at his keyboard. Judas felt more hopeful than he had in days. He was going to find some bible verse, and it was going to answer Judas's questions.

"Here we go, okay." Pastor Caiaphas started flipping the pages of his bible again. "Ah. Here it is." He slid the open bible across the desk, with his finger pointing to a specific verse. "Leviticus 18:22. You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination."

Judas just stared at him, completely dumbstruck. What did this have to do with anything?

After a few long seconds, Pastor Caiaphas helpfully added, "That means it's a sin, Judas."

"I know it's a sin," said Judas. He wanted to say more, but couldn't quite find the words to tell him why this verse didn't really help at all.

The pastor gave him an encouraging smile. "Nowadays, our culture has strayed so far from what God said. People think, if it feels good, it must be right. But," he tapped his finger on the page of the bible, "always gotta come back to God's word. This is where we find truth."

Judas felt so lost, like his chance at fixing his friendship with Joshua, John, and Jamie was slipping away. He felt like the pastor was totally missing the point- or maybe he was the one who was missing the point...

Pastor Caiaphas started to stand up. "Anyway, I've got to go up and get ready for the service. Hey, you know what, I have a book that might be helpful for you. You can borrow it if you want." He stood up, pulled a book from his bookshelf, and handed it to Judas. Some title about what the bible says about homosexuality.

"All right, well, I'll see you in there," the pastor said, as he started to walk out the door, leaving Judas sitting in the office alone.

"Bye..." Judas managed to say.

Judas slowly got up, and came out of the office to stand in the narrow hallway. What was he going to do? He really thought Pastor Caiaphas would have answers for him, but what if there were no answers? What if he really had messed things up? What if the church didn't want him being friends with Joshua at all?

He looked down at the book in his hands. It didn't seem to be remotely helpful at all. He didn't need anyone to tell him that homosexual relationships were sinful. He already knew that. The actual issue was, how should he interact with people who were stuck in that lifestyle? How would he love them, as God loves them, without accepting their sinful lifestyle?

He opened the book to somewhere in the middle, and started reading. For some reason, the book was talking about teletubbies. One of the teletubbies was male and carried a purse, Judas read, and this was a sign of how the liberal media is trying to indoctrinate children into the homosexual lifestyle.

What on earth?

Judas's vision blurred as he tried to hold back tears. This is what I betrayed my friends for? Because some teletubby has a purse, and we're scared of that? He had come to the church for help, to learn how to love his friends, but all that he found was condemnation of sin, and culture wars about teletubbies.

Enraged, he threw the book against the wall and stormed out of the church. When he got to his car, he sat in the driver's seat and cried in the parking lot.

---

After another week, he finally got up the courage to call Jamie. She answered her phone, "What do you want?"

"Hi, Jamie, I just want to say I'm sorry, I guess, to Joshua..." Judas said.

"You're sorry for what exactly?" asked Jamie.

So many things raced through his mind- about how he cared about Joshua, about "hate the sin, love the sinner," about "speaking the truth in love," about nachos and guitars and Star Wars and parcheesi and resume writing in Starbucks, and how he didn't want to lose all that. But none of it answered Jamie's question. Judas was sorry for what, exactly? He didn't quite know. 

"I..." he started to say. He was going to tell her "I shouldn't have said those things," but, shouldn't he? He was just telling the truth about their sin. It had felt so wrong, but it had to have been the right thing to do- it's what the bible says.

He was sorry for what, exactly? He had no idea.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," said Jamie, and hung up on him.

---

6 months later, Judas hadn't gone back to church at all. One day, he was scrolling through Facebook and saw that John and Joshua were engaged. He was happy for them- and it surprised him, that that was his first reaction. He really was happy for them. He was glad they had each other. That was good- unlike what he had done to Joshua. (Distantly, he wondered if John had ever gotten his stuff out of Jamie's apartment.)

"Should I give it a like?" thought Judas. It seemed so weak and inadequate, to show up out of nowhere and "like" their Facebook post, after not talking to them for 6 months. After... what he had done. 

Weak and inadequate, yes, but at the same time, it would be crossing a line that he had never crossed before. He had never ever ever said anything positive about John and Joshua's relationship. He had always been careful to never do or say anything that could be interpreted as "condoning sin." But now he genuinely felt happy for them. That was new.

Does "love" mean a struggle to find the exact right level of judgment one should have toward one's friends? Don't judge them so obviously that they notice you're doing it, and they stop hanging out with you- but don't be too nice and "condone their sin." What if "love" means something different than that?

Judas wanted to learn to do better. Even though he didn't think he could talk to John or Joshua, he could at least be a better person the next time he met an LGBT person. He was going to read, he was going to listen, he was going to learn, and he was going to believe in a God who was love, rather than a God who would be angry at him for not judging people enough.

He clicked "like" and vowed to do better.

---

More bible fanfics:

Mary's Choice

Love Wins (an Ezra fanfic)

Strange Fire 

What Would Abraham Do? (a bible fanfic)

Related:

Unaffirming Church Bingo 

Searching for a Less Terrible Way to Express Your Hateful Theology Doesn't Count as "Love"

---

This post is part of a series on the gospel of Matthew.

Previous post: Sheep and Goats (Matthew 25:31-46)

Next post: Was Jesus' Death a Good Thing or a Bad Thing? (Matthew 27)

Click here to go to the beginning of the series.

Everyone Else's Nadab and Abihu Fanfics

A picture of flames, with the text "What is strange fire?" from a good Christian webpage about how God killed people in the Old Testament for worshipping him wrong. Image source.

When I was working on writing Strange Fire, I did some googling to see if maybe there were some other sources, ancient Jewish traditions, stuff like that, stuff I could maybe incorporate into my story. Back when I wrote my Noah's ark fanfic, I used "traditional" names for the wives, even though they are not given names in the bible. I figured maybe I could do the same thing for Nadab and Abihu's story.

But wow. The whole first page of google search results was all about why Nadab and Abihu totally deserved to die for "offering unauthorized fire." I was blown away by how vicious all these articles were. There were no cute details about "did they have wives, what were the wives' names", or at least, I wasn't willing to wade through all that nastiness in order to find out. (So I invented Daniela, Bekah, and Daniela's unborn baby myself. We know the baby will be a girl because the bible says Nadab and Abihu had no sons.)

Wow, it was bad. But really, I should have known that. The whole reason I wanted to write this fanfic is because for a long time it has bothered me how good Christians read the story of Nadab and Abihu in Leviticus 10 and then immediately invent all kinds of fan theories to reassure ourselves that yes, these guys really did deserve to die. For a long time, I've felt there was something really f***-ed up about that. (Wow, yes, a long time- I even mentioned it in this post from 2015.)

Seriously, here's what the bible says:

Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the Lord, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord.

Then later in the chapter it mentions priests aren't supposed to drink alcohol on the job, so, you might infer from that that they were drunk. But that's it, this here is the sum total of what the bible says they did wrong. Apparently, they deserved to die for it.

So yeah, back when I was an evangelical, I would read this story, be very confused because it's unclear what "unauthorized fire" is and why exactly that's a bad thing, and feel like "it looks like God did something unjust here." It was okay for me to think that, temporarily, but then my next step had to be convincing myself that, no, everything is fine, God was totally right to kill them, wow they did such a bad thing, they were very bad people, and so on and so on, embellishing it with things the bible doesn't say at all. Fan fiction.

I'm coming at this from an evangelical background, where one of the most important beliefs is that the bible is authoritative in a way that nothing else is. Yes, the story of Nadab and Abihu is also in the Jewish bible, and Jewish people have probably been grappling with it for thousands of years. Non-evangelical denominations of Christianity surely have their own take on it too. And maybe some of this "they were really bad people" is valid if there's another ancient source regarded as canon that says so. Perhaps these other religious traditions have something like that, so then it's not as much of a problem for them. But not evangelicals, who firmly believe that the bible is the only thing we can trust, and all that "ancient tradition" is just made-up nonsense. Evangelicals who then respond with their own made-up nonsense about Nadab and Abihu's supposed contempt for God or whatever.

It says something really ugly about us, that our first response to "God killed them because [confusing, suspicious reasons]" is to invent additional reasons. Reasons that are not confusing or suspicious, that help us believe that their sin really did deserve the death penalty. Reasons that are completely fictional. Nothing more than fan theories.

It's a Black Lives Matter story, really. We read this passage from Leviticus, and we search desperately for a bible commentary to help us - "Someone, convince me that Nadab and Abihu really were bad people who deserved to die! I can't handle the idea that the bible is wrong about something. I can't handle the idea that I should judge the God that Christian leaders present to me, and I should decide if he is worthy of worship or not."

Oh, it's okay that he was killed, he deserved it. Because he was a suspect in a robbery. Because he had done drugs in the past. Because he was arrested for something, years ago. Because he took goofy photos of himself pretending to make gang signs. Because he didn't do exactly what the police officer said. Because he was "acting suspicious."

All these reasons, some of them based in reality, some of them completely made up, none of them worthy of the death penalty, but this is what we do. We have to convince ourselves, because the alternative is to face the reality of the white supremacist violence that's embedded in our society. 

I have seen the way good evangelicals treat Nadab and Abihu, and the way white people treat black victims of police brutality, and it's the same. We can't ever let ourselves consider that the bible is wrong about something, and we can't ever let ourselves consider that the US is not "the greatest country in the world", built on "liberty and justice for all." So we need to blame the victims. Please, someone, help us believe they deserved it, so we can continue with our lives and we don't have a responsibility to care about injustice.

So I hope the next time you're in a bible study and you read the story of Nadab and Abihu (okay it's not really one of the popular ones that get read in a lot of bible studies...), you're angry like Daniela. I hope you read Moses's line about "Do not leave the entrance to the tent of meeting or you will die" and hear it as an extremely creepy threat, and you think about the impossible pressure that Eleazer was under, and the choice that he made. Wow, I had always read that line as "the Lord is justifiably angry right now, let's lay low for a bit" but now I can't hear anything besides "Nice two remaining sons you got there, be a shame if anything happened to them."

And Bekah. Oh poor Bekah. (A character I completely made up, btw.) The decision she makes at the end is just tragic. Her faith was so strong, she chose her petty, murderous God over her loving husband. I know something about having a faith like that- though I've never, uh, thrown dead relatives under the bus in the name of God. A faith that strong can't last. It will burn so powerful and passionate for a while, and then when it breaks it will break into a million pieces. At some point she will realize she was betrayed- that they took advantage of her trust and innocence and they fed her lies and she actually bought them. And once you realize that, there's no going back.

Another thing I wanted to do in my story is offer a different understanding of what "God's holiness" means. As an evangelical, I learned in Sunday school that "holy" means "set apart" (whatever that means) but really, the way people used it in practical terms, "God's holiness" means "you make 1 mistake, and YOU DIE." And this is, apparently, a good thing. Apparently, God is so incredibly good that he destroys anything that's not perfect. Apparently, that's what "good" means. 

Yeah, I say that's f***-ed up, and I hope my fanfic was able to give a glimpse of Nadab's and Eleazer's understanding of "holiness"- it's more about the respect and awe that they felt at being allowed to come into God's presence and act as a bridge between humanity and God. Not "you make 1 mistake and YOU DIE"- like what on earth? Why did I ever believe that? (Well I guess because the "gospel" I received when I asked Jesus into my heart was "every sin is an infinite offense against a holy God"... like I said, "holy" apparently means "you make 1 mistake and YOU DIE." ... I put "gospel" in scare quotes because that sure as hell ain't good news.)

So yeah, I wrote a Nadab and Abihu fanfic because I don't like everyone else's Nadab and Abihu fanfics. And if you're gonna write fanfic or fan theories about the bible, at least be honest with yourself that the things you're saying are not actually in the bible. You want to reassure yourself that Nadab and Abihu totally deserved to die for the cryptic sin of "offering unauthorized fire"- maybe instead of inventing fan theories to reassure yourself, you ask yourself why you need that. It reveals something inside us that isn't good.

----------

Related:

Reading US History Inerrantly 

Blaming the Biblical Victim (And More Horrifying Implications of Scripture) 

Yes, I Want Justice (A post about white evangelicals and #BlackLivesMatter)

Strange Fire

A priest burning incense in a censor, in front of an altar. Image source.

"Bye, sweetheart," Nadab said as he leaned down and kissed his wife, Daniela. She was 8 months pregnant and hadn't slept well at all. Felt too huge to get comfortable. She tried to roll on her back, but it was worse, so she rolled back to her side.

Her husband was going to the tabernacle very early that day. He worked as a priest along with his brother Abihu; they were sons of Aaron, the brother of Moses. Always very busy, but he always talked about how blessed he was to be able to participate in the worship of God. After a few minutes, Daniela went back to sleep.

-

"Daniela?" a voice said. 

Who on earth could it be this early in the morning? And who would be coming into her tent? "Daniela?" It was Eleazer, Nadab's brother. He looked extremely concerned as he poked his head in through the doorway of her tent. 

"I..." He looked between her face and her huge belly. "Do, uh, do you need some water to drink...?" he asked, then awkwardly started to look around, probably searching for a cup.

"What is it?" she asked. "Are you okay?" 

Eleazer looked at the ground. He ran his hand through his dark hair. "There was a fire... at the tabernacle. Nadab and Abihu..."

Now Daniela was awake. "Is he okay?"

Eleazer bit his lip. "He... no... I'm sorry... they didn't make it."

"What?" she asked, and he shook his head. She sat up and started to breathe faster and faster, and realized she was crying.

"Here, sit down," Eleazer said, which made no sense because she was still sitting on her bed. "Or... let's go see Bekah...? Can you walk?"

Of course she could walk, she didn't need everyone treating her like a delicate flower just because she was pregnant. He offered his arm, and she waddled out with him to find Abihu's wife Bekah.

-

They sat in Abihu's tent. The two widows- Daniela and Bekah- and the two remaining sons of Aaron- Eleazer and Ithamar. 

"They were serving the Lord," said Bekah, her face wet with tears. "How could this happen? They always worked so hard, always getting up early, doing everything Aaron and Moses said."

Daniela nodded, leaning against Bekah's shoulder. "Nadab ... he always said it was such an honor to be presenting offerings to the Lord." Her baby kicked her, and she thought about how her child would grow up without a father. It was too much, too overwhelming.

"Martyrs," said Eleazer, and Daniela realized it was true. Her baby kicked again, and she started to cry again. Bekah put her arm over Daniela's shoulders.

"How will I take care of this child without him?" said Daniela. "How... how can I without him?"

Eleazer's eyes were soft and compassionate. "We're all here for you," he said. "I know it's not the same, it can never be the same... we're here for you and your baby. You'll always be part of our family and eat at the priests' table."

"He's the child of a martyr," added Ithamar. "The people will always respect that." Ithamar was very young, 15 years old, only a boy, really. He was timid, always following his older brothers' lead.

A young man appeared at the entrance of the tent. "Hello? I'm looking for Eleazer and Ithamar?" The two brothers stood up and went to see what he wanted, leaving Bekah and Daniela still sitting there together.

Bekah sighed. "I can't believe it. I just, how could the Lord let this happen to his priests?" Daniela rested her head against Bekah's shoulder and didn't answer.

After a minute, they heard Eleazer's voice, from the entrance of the tent. "No, no, I think there's been a mistake. ... No, there's no way they're being taken outside the camp. They died in service to the Lord."

"What is it? What? Outside the camp?" Daniela said as she struggled to her feet and went over to where Eleazer was talking to the messenger.

"Oh, it's fine, I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding," Eleazer reassured her.

"Okay..." said the messenger, appearing unsure, "I'll tell them you're not going to carry the bodies outside the camp."

"OUTSIDE THE CAMP?!" cried Daniela. "WHAT? Outside- like, like, like they were some kind of traitors? What on earth?! Oh my, oh my-"

"Sit down, sit down, sit down, calm down, it's okay," said Eleazer, helping her onto a stool. "It's just a mistake. He's going to go back and tell them that Nadab and Abihu were martyrs. Of course no one is taking them outside the camp."

The messenger still looked uncertain, glancing between Eleazer, Daniela, and Ithamar. Finally he sighed, said "okay," and left.

- 

Bekah and Daniela went out at midday to get water. As they stood waiting, they heard a group of women near them talking.

"Well, just goes to show that's why you have to follow exactly what the Lord said. So arrogant, going in there, thinking they could burn incense their own way. They had it coming, I say," said one of the women.

Another added, "Yeah, and they always acted like they were better than everyone else. I guess the Lord finally had to put a stop to it."

Another person said, "I heard they were drunk," and the whole group started giggling.

Bekah and Daniela froze, looking at each other. "Are they talking about..." Bekah started to say.

"I can't believe this," said Daniela, shaking her head. 

As they walked back to Bekah's tent (Bekah carrying water, Daniela not carrying anything because she was 8 months pregnant) they heard a group of three men talking. One of them said, "You know, I heard they weren't even supposed to go to the tabernacle today. They just did that themselves. They thought they could do it their own way."

Bekah turned to Daniela. "That's not true!" she whispered. "Aaron told Abihu to be there this morning! What is happening?"

They heard another man say, "Nadab was kind of a jerk anyway. One time he yelled at my brother. Probably deserved it."

Daniela gasped. "Hey!" she called out, and the three men turned to look at her, a bit surprised and awkward. She marched right up to them and yelled, "How dare you say that! How dare you!"

Bekah was at pulling at her shoulder. "Come on!" she whispered. "Let's not make a scene, let's figure out what's going on." Daniela continued to glare at the men, but she let Bekah pull her back a few steps to where Bekah had left her water jug.

"I can't believe this, I can't believe this," Daniela was saying, and she realized she was shaking, so angry.

"Let's just get back and tell Eleazer. He will know what to do," Bekah answered.

-

"The official story," Eleazer said somberly, "is that they were not authorized to be at the tabernacle this morning, and that they directly disobeyed the Lord's command by burning incense improperly. The Lord is the one who sent the fire. And also, our family is not allowed to mourn publicly."

Daniela was speechless. She couldn't believe it. Only hours after their death, and already people were making all these baseless accusations. Not supposed to be there? Burning incense improperly? She knew her husband would never do that. He was so dedicated to serving the Lord as a priest. Doing everything exactly the way the Lord commanded.

Daniela and Bekah were sitting down, hugging each other and crying. Ithamar was also there with them, in Bekah's tent, sitting on a stool by himself.

"We have to do something!" said Daniela. "We have to tell everyone the truth, before this fake story spreads too far."

"Yes, absolutely," said Eleazer firmly. "My brothers deserve that."

-

Daniela and Bekah went to talk to the women, and Eleazer and Ithamar went to talk to the men. Daniela wished she could rest, wished she could just have some time by herself to grieve, but it wasn't possible. She was so angry. How could people be saying these things about her husband- a martyr who had lived his whole life in devotion to the Lord? How could people say that the Lord had been the one to kill Nadab and Abihu? 

How could they say that Nadab and Abihu had offered incense the wrong way? There hadn't been any witnesses. How could anyone even know? But Daniela knew her husband, how he had worked so hard to memorize all the precise details of every kind of offering. That was his duty, because of God's holiness, Nadab had always said. The Lord deserves that kind of honor, deserves to have priests who devote hours and hours of their time to learning exactly how to prepare the offerings and incense. And Nadab had always been awed by it. God's holiness, and his own position as just an ordinary man who had been chosen for the incredible job of coming into the presence of a holy God. Nadab has been obsessed.

He had even found a perfect white goat, and was raising it to offer in worship to the Lord after their baby would be born. He wanted everything to be the best, because the Lord was holy and deserved it, he always said.

And now, in less than a day, it seemed all that was gone. That Nadab and Abihu's reputations had completely changed, and now everyone was saying they were sinners, they were blasphemers, they were arrogant and disrespectful, and they deserved what happened to them.

She was so angry.

All afternoon, Daniela and Bekah went from one tent to the next, announcing the truth to any group of women they met. It was excruciating. Over and over, people answered with "I heard they were drunk" and "but they disobeyed the Lord" and "sit down, you need to calm down for your baby."

Yes, her ribs hurt. Yes, the muscles all around her pregnant belly hurt, as the baby weighed her down. She felt sick and exhausted, and then remembered that when she got home, Nadab wasn't going to be there. All she could do for him now was continue to try to convince people that he had been innocent. 

And then, at one of the tents, while Daniela was making her case, someone interrupted to say, "You're not supposed to be saying this." When Daniela just stared at her, confused, she continued, "The Lord told Moses they died for their sin. You can't go against the Lord."

Well, what on earth? thought Daniela. How dare anyone say that! But Bekah pulled her to the side and said, "We've done enough for now. We should go."

They made their way back home, through the rows of tents and the campfires. It was starting to get dark. Bekah held Daniela's arm to support her; she was so exhausted.

"Well, well, well, look who it is," said a voice behind them. "It's the traitors' wives! Hey, shouldn't you be at home mourning? Oh, I forgot, we can't mourn because they deserved it! Hahaha!"

Daniela and Bekah turned and saw Mishael and Elzaphan (Nadab and Abihu's cousins). Mishael strode over to them and continued, "I heard you two are on some valiant mission to tell everyone they weren't sinners. Try to convince everyone that the Lord made a mistake! Ha! Good luck with that!"

"Shut up!" Daniela yelled at him, taking a step toward him. "You don't know anything." 

Mishael laughed at her, and then Elzaphan said, "Oh I'd be careful, little girl. You go around saying these things, the Lord might think you're a blasphemer too, just like your husband."

"Haha, we wouldn't want that!" answered Mishael. "Better watch out for any fire the next few days! Don't want the Lord to burn you too!"

Bekah had shrunk away from them, but Daniela stood up straight and angrily pointed her finger in their faces. "Shut up," she said through clenched teeth. "You're just jealous you'll never be as faithful as them."

Mishael put two hands on her shoulders and shoved her backward. She stumbled, and would have fallen down, but Bekah caught her.

"Oh look at that, not so brave now, are we," said Elzaphan. "Now why don't you go back to your own tent and mourn like good little widows." He smirked at his brother Mishael.

"You - you -" Daniela started to say, while Bekah pulled at her arm, urging her to just go home.

"Hey!" Suddenly they heard Eleazer's voice. "Leave them alone!" Eleazer came and stood between his cousins and the women. "What do you two think you are doing, shoving around a pregnant woman like that? You-"

"Ah ah ah," interrupted Mishael. He put his hand up, but didn't touch Eleazer. "You know, you should be careful too. Sons of Aaron-"

"GET OUT!" roared Eleazer. "GET OUT! I mean it!"

"Have it your way, then," said Mishael. "But don't act too surprised when Moses tells you this isn't the kind of behavior a priest should have." Then the two of them turned and left.

Eleazer stood there, tense and seething. He took a few deep breaths. "Those jerks. I'm sorry you... I'm sorry they're like that," he said to Daniela and Bekah. "It's late, let's continue this tomorrow."

The three of them walked back to Daniela's tent. 

-

After Eleazer left, Bekah hesitated. 

The low lights of the nearby campfires flickered over her face, and she put a hand on Daniela's arm. With tears in her eyes, she said, "I don't understand how the Lord could let this happen. It doesn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense."

Daniela just shook her head. There's nothing to say that can make it better.

"The Lord..." Bekah continued, "he is supposed to protect his servants." Her voice broke into a sob. "What happened?"

"Yes, I know," said Daniela. She was exhausted from walking all day. Also thirsty.

"How... where was God?" cried Bekah, burying her face against Daniela's neck.

"I don't know, Bekah, I don't know," said Daniela.

-

That night, Daniela lay awake for hours. She couldn't get comfortable. Nadab used to give her massages because she was pregnant, but now she was alone. 

She thought of the song he used to sing to their unborn baby. Of course it was a song about the Lord; what other song would a priest sing to a baby? "Among those who approach the Lord, he will be proved holy." He used to sing it at night to help her and the baby sleep. He used to talk about how much he looked forward to teaching their child all about the Lord and his greatness and holiness. How he could train the child to be a priest, if it was a boy.

Now Daniela just lay on her side, and felt the baby kick. She had been so distracted most of the day, she hadn't paid attention to the kicking. Now she felt the life inside her, and realized it was all she had left of Nadab. She turned her head and cried into her pillow.

At least she still had Nadab's white goat. She would take that goat to be offered to the Lord after the baby was born. She would do that for Nadab.

She thought of Bekah, poor Bekah, so young, with such innocent faith. Bekah was having a really hard time with this, because she actually believed that bad things don't happen to good people because the Lord protects them. Daniela knew better. Daniela had seen enough suffering and pain. She knew the Lord protected their nation, brought them out of Egypt, made them his chosen people... but that didn't mean he protected every single person 100% of the time. 

Nadab had known that too, and had always said we need to continue to honor the Lord, in good times and bad. The Lord's holiness is unchanging, he always said. Poor Bekah. Daniela wondered if Bekah's faith could handle that.

Everything was too hard, but Daniela told herself she just had to focus on what she needed to do. Keep speaking up in support of Nadab and Abihu, and take care of her baby.

-

Bekah came to see her in the morning. "Daniela," she said, with a very serious and troubled look on her face, "Eleazer and Ithamar have decided to go with the official story. That our husbands died for the sin of making unauthorized fire."

"WHAT?!" said Daniela, fully awake now. She couldn't believe it. "What? Their own brothers? They're - ugh!" She started to stand up, determined to go find Eleazer and tell him how wrong he was.

"But, wait a moment," said Bekah timidly. "Doesn't it..." She looked scared. "Doesn't it... kind of make sense?"

"WHAT?!" Daniela shrieked, turning to face Bekah. Bekah took a step back, clearly scared of making Daniela angry.

"I just... it's the only thing that makes sense!" Bekah said. "How could the Lord really let them die, if they were doing their job correctly? Maybe they were burning the incense in disobedience."

"Ugh!" exclaimed Daniela. Why was everything so hard? "How could you turn on your husband like that? You - you - you said yourself that Abihu told you his father asked them to be there!"

"Well, maybe he didn't! Maybe I was wrong! Maybe he lied!" Bekah shouted back.

"Ugh, you just, you just sell out like this! Just because you're too naive and you think God really protects everyone all the time!"

Bekah recoiled. She looked down, shaking her head. Finally she said, quietly, "It's the only thing that makes sense."

"Fine," said Daniela. "Forget you. I'm going to do this myself. I'm going to find Eleazer and talk some sense into him. I'm-" she clutched at her side; it was suddenly painful.

"Do you need to sit down..." asked Bekah.

"NO! No! I'm going to find him." Daniela hobbled out of the tent.

-

She came to the tent of meeting. Eleazer and Ithamar were there, wearing their priestly robes instead of mourning clothes. She was so mad; it's like they were just pretending nothing had happened.

She marched right up to Eleazer and yelled at him. "You! You're really going along with this? What kind of brother are you?" 

"Daniela..." Eleazer began, "please take it easy, sit down, think of your baby."

"No! No! I am the only one who can see what's really going on here! I can't believe you are selling them out like this! They're good people, and now... people are saying this about them."

He took a deep breath, looking troubled. "Daniela, I would lose my position as a priest, if I go against the official story. People will say I am going against the Lord. I could even be labelled a blasphemer and be stoned. And if you do this, they won't let you eat at the priests' table. I... it's not an easy thing, don't talk to me like it's so easy. You should think of your baby and how you'll provide for him if you are cut off from the priests' share."

"But it's wrong!" she said. "Doesn't anyone care about the truth? What, all you care about is saving yourself now, saving your job."

He hesitated, then said, "There's something else I should tell you... we are using the white goat as an offering." He winced, bracing himself for her reaction.

"WHAT? WHAT? That is Nadab's goat! Oh my goodness! You- ughhh!" She paced back and forth, so angry. She glared at Ithamar as she walked past. "That was- he was going to offer it to the Lord in worship after our baby is born! EVERYTHING IS BEING TAKEN FROM ME!"

"Moses needed it," said Eleazer. "He says it's the best one we have, and we have to do something big to reassure the people. They're scared. This is really a terrifying thing that has happened, and people need something to restore their trust in the Lord and in the priesthood."

"I can't believe this," said Daniela, sitting down because of the pain around her ribs. "I can't believe this. Do you know how Nadab checked that goat to make sure it had no blemishes? Do you know how many goats he looked at, to find that one perfect one? He was so careful, doing everything the way the Lord commanded. He was going to use it to worship the Lord after our baby is born."

"I know that," said Eleazer. Then he knelt down beside her and took her hand. He lowered his voice. "I know it was Nadab's goat. And... actually, I refused. When Moses told me to go get it for an offering, I refused. I agree with you."

He continued, "But..." He glanced at Ithamar. "But, if we don't do this, then our cousins are going to be the priests. Mishael and Elzaphan. Daniela, it would be a disaster. I can't let that happen."

Eleazer continued, "Being a priest, it's not just about knowing all the precise details for making the offerings. It's about mediating for the people. Coming into the presence of God. God's holiness. Playing a role in the people's worship. When they come and bring their offerings, they're nervous. A lot of them want something. They're praying for something, and a good priest should be compassionate about that, you know, reassure them that God sees them and God cares. Nadab knew that.

"He was a better priest than I'll ever be. He really understood the significance of it. The job is not about following the directions exactly- though of course Nadab did that; of course he paid great attention to all those details that the Lord gave us. And it's not about the perks, getting the best meat for ourselves. It's so much more than that; it's about connecting the people to God. And Nadab knew that better than anyone, and, and" he clenched his hands into fists, "and I won't be able to say any of this at his funeral." He turned away. "I can't even go to his funeral! I'm not allowed to mourn."

Eleazer stood there for a moment, with his back to Daniela and Ithamar. Then he sighed and turned toward them again. "I need to do this-" he paused and gestured to Ithamar, "we need to do this, because we can't let Mishael and Elzaphan fill that role. They're greedy. When people come to us to make offerings, they're nervous, they're vulnerable, and Mishael and Elzaphan would exploit that. You saw how Mishael talked to you yesterday. Threatening a widow. It's like he has no compassion at all. He just sees an opportunity for himself."

He turned to address Ithamar directly. "None of this leaves this room, okay? But you already know all this." Then back to Daniela. "The people need priests like Nadab and Abihu. And I can't be them, but I promise I will try. I can't let my cousins have the job, though."

Daniela sat with her head in her hands. She felt defeated. Without Eleazer's support, what could she do? Just fight this battle herself? And he had his reasons for the decision he had made, but that didn't mean she had to make the same decision. She wasn't a priest, maybe she could keep fighting for Nadab. Alone. As a widow. With a baby. Maybe not.

"But how can I do it without you?" she said.

"I'm still here for you," he said. He knelt down beside her again and held her hand. "You need anything, just tell me or Ithamar. But I just, I won't be allowed to say anything to support Nadab. It's awful, it's so awful, I'm sorry."

She looked down at her hands, and at her pregnant belly. Maybe this was the best option she had.

Just then, Aaron came in, from another room in the back of the tent. He wore his best priestly robes, not mourning clothes, and he looked exhausted. "Sons," he said, "I need you to come help with the goat for the sin offering." 

Eleazer and Ithamar both answered, "Yes, father," and Aaron went back inside.

Slowly Daniela began to realize what Aaron had said. "Sin offering...?" Then suddenly she tore her hand away from Eleazer's, disgusted. "Sin offering?! You, you, you are taking his goat, as a sin offering?! Ugh!" she said, standing up quickly.

She paced back and forth inside the tent, so angry. "It's like you're telling everyone that yes, he did die for his sin. Like he deserved it, like he really was that bad of a priest. A blasphemer. You're taking his goat, that he was saving to offer to the Lord, and you're using it to tell lies about him!"

"Daniela, your baby..." Eleazer tried to say.

"No! I will not sit down! Stop telling me to sit down! I'm fighting this, I don't even care! I don't need you! Ah!" She stopped and clutched at her ribs because of the pain. Eleazer and Ithamar nervously exchanged a look, but didn't dare to say anything.

"I'm going to Moses!" she announced. "I am going to march right in there and tell him the truth."

"No no no no no no," said Eleazer, and he looked truly scared.

"I'm going!" she said.

"No, listen," Eleazer said, frantic, reaching out to her, "Moses is -" he stopped and lowered his voice "- Moses is the one behind all this!"

"Well then, I'm going to tell him it's wrong! My husband was a good man!" And she walked out of the tent.

Eleazer continued to yell after her, "No, Daniela, no!" She kept walking, maybe too fast, because now her back was hurting. She heard Eleazer's desperate voice again. "You know I'm not allowed to leave this tent!" She kept walking.

Moses would help. He was a man of God. If anyone could help, it would be him.

-

Daniela pulled the tent flap open and marched right in. Moses was sitting on a stool, with some parchment in his hand. He didn't seem upset about her bursting in; he seemed very calm. "Please, sit," he said, gesturing to another stool with brown fabric draped over it. Daniela sat down. Her back was really hurting now.

"Sir," she began. "My husband Nadab was performing his duties as a priest, when... when this happened." She took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. "People are saying he was burning incense improperly. They are saying he was arrogant and disrespectful to the Lord. They are saying he was drunk."

Moses looked at her for a moment. "The Lord proves his holiness," he said. "It is a grave sin to approach him in and unworthy way. The Lord intends for this to serve as a lesson for the people. They need to respect and honor him."

"But Nadab did that!" she said. "He did respect and honor the Lord! He took his job very seriously!"

"Child," Moses said. He gazed at her calmly. "I know you don't mean to suggest that the Lord erred in his judgment. That would be quite a thing to claim."

She sputtered, too shocked to answer. That was not how she expected this to go.

Moses continued, with that same calm look on his face, "Some might even call it blasphemous. People have been stoned for less."

"But- you-" Daniela tried to say. 

"Why, imagine what would happen if the people believed one could be struck down even when acting in obedience to the Lord. Imagine the mass panic that would cause. Child, I don't expect you to understand the difficulties of leading this whole nation of people. They need certainty. They need something to keep them anchored. They need to know that these things don't happen to people who are following all of God's commands precisely."

The pieces were all falling into place, in a horrifying way. "You mean all of your commands," she said, glaring at Moses.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," he answered smoothly. "Pregnant women often get carried away by their emotions and say things they don't really mean." He smiled.

More and more rage was building up inside her. She was determined to fight. This was shocking; this was unbelievable, and it was not okay. She would tell people. She would expose and fight this.

"Now," Moses said, "think of what your husband would have wanted. Would he want his child to become destitute, cut off from the priests' share? Would you do that to your child, just because you keep fighting back against the truth about your husband?"

And just like that, all her vows to fight came to a stop. Because Moses was right about what Nadab would have wanted.

Daniela felt trapped. It wasn't fair. She felt the baby kick inside her, and she loved that baby so much. Everyone kept telling her to give up on Nadab's memory, to play nice so that her baby would have food. She was a priests' widow; she and her child would always have a share of the offerings that were brought to the tabernacle. Plenty of food to live on. But only if she went along with the official story, which said her husband was a blasphemer who despised the Lord and deserved to die. A disgusting lie. Nadab deserved better.

Her baby kicked again.

"Think about it, child," said Moses. "What will you do, you and your baby, with no one to support you? Would Nadab want that?"

She knew what Nadab would tell her, if he were here. She knew he would do anything for their child, including sacrificing his own reputation. Daniela saw her future stretched out ahead of her, begging for scraps from strangers, begging for anyone to listen when she said her husband was a good man. What kind of life would that be for her baby?

Moses continued to sit calmly and look at her. "I trust you'll make the right decision," he said, and then turned slightly and looked down at the parchments in his hand.

She struggled to her feet, with the weight of her baby, and the weight of her shame pulling at her. Slowly she walked out of the tent. Moses called after her, "You may mourn, but don't say anything against what the Lord did."

She would give up anything to save her child, even the truth about her husband. She had to. She stared at the ground as she walked out, and she wondered if anyone would ever think she was brave.

-

Moses wrote:

Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the Lord, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord. Moses then said to Aaron, “This is what the Lord spoke of when he said:

“‘Among those who approach me
I will be proved holy;
in the sight of all the people
I will be honored.’”

Aaron remained silent.

Moses summoned Mishael and Elzaphan, sons of Aaron’s uncle Uzziel, and said to them, “Come here; carry your cousins outside the camp, away from the front of the sanctuary.” So they came and carried them, still in their tunics, outside the camp, as Moses ordered.

Then Moses said to Aaron and his sons Eleazar and Ithamar, “Do not let your hair become unkempt and do not tear your clothes, or you will die and the Lord will be angry with the whole community. But your relatives, all the Israelites, may mourn for those the Lord has destroyed by fire. Do not leave the entrance to the tent of meeting or you will die, because the Lord’s anointing oil is on you.” So they did as Moses said.

Then the Lord said to Aaron, “You and your sons are not to drink wine or other fermented drink whenever you go into the tent of meeting, or you will die. This is a lasting ordinance for the generations to come, so that you can distinguish between the holy and the common, between the unclean and the clean, and so you can teach the Israelites all the decrees the Lord has given them through Moses.”

Moses said to Aaron and his remaining sons, Eleazar and Ithamar, “Take the grain offering left over from the food offerings prepared without yeast and presented to the Lord and eat it beside the altar, for it is most holy. Eat it in the sanctuary area, because it is your share and your sons’ share of the food offerings presented to the Lord; for so I have been commanded. But you and your sons and your daughters may eat the breast that was waved and the thigh that was presented. Eat them in a ceremonially clean place; they have been given to you and your children as your share of the Israelites’ fellowship offerings. The thigh that was presented and the breast that was waved must be brought with the fat portions of the food offerings, to be waved before the Lord as a wave offering. This will be the perpetual share for you and your children, as the Lord has commanded.”

When Moses inquired about the goat of the sin offering and found that it had been burned up, he was angry with Eleazar and Ithamar, Aaron’s remaining sons, and asked, “Why didn’t you eat the sin offering in the sanctuary area? It is most holy; it was given to you to take away the guilt of the community by making atonement for them before the Lord. Since its blood was not taken into the Holy Place, you should have eaten the goat in the sanctuary area, as I commanded.”

Aaron replied to Moses, “Today they sacrificed their sin offering and their burnt offering before the Lord, but such things as this have happened to me. Would the Lord have been pleased if I had eaten the sin offering today?” When Moses heard this, he was satisfied.

--------------

Other fanfics:

Noah's Evangelism
Achan's Sin
In Your Anger Do Not Sin (a Hulk fanfic) 

Follow-up post: Everyone Else's Nadab and Abihu Fanfics

"The Author of Leviticus Would Have Been Cool With It"

An image showing a hand holding some kind of old-fashioned pen and writing on a scroll. Image source.

So let's suppose I'm writing the bible, and God "inspires" me to write this:

Kids played soccer outside the church.

Let's assume we believe that the bible is the inerrant, inspired word of God. So, based on this one sentence, can we make any conclusions about God's opinion on the pressing issue of "is it called 'soccer' or 'football'"?

Well, you might say, this passage uses the term "soccer" because the author was an American. But the passage doesn't say that "soccer" is the only correct term and that "football" would be incorrect.

All right let's say I'm "inspired by God" to write this:

Kids played soccer outside the church. Some people think it's called "football" but they're wrong.

So here we find, in the inspired word of God, the statement that referring to soccer as "football" is, in fact, wrong. And, you know, the bible is inerrant, so that means this is The Definitive Truth on the "football vs soccer" debate. It's a sin to call it "football." The bible is clear.

Let's suppose I'm "inspired by God" to write it like this:

Kids played soccer outside the church. There was a British man there who was not very intelligent, and he called it "football."

Heh. Now what can we say about this? The text- the inerrant text- tells us two things: the British man was not intelligent, and the British man called it "football." Clearly the author intends for readers to link those two things together- the author is saying that people who call it "football" are less intelligent, and just plain wrong. But if you look at the actual words of the text itself, it does NOT explicitly say those two facts are at all connected.

So my question is, what part is "inerrant and inspired by God," exactly? Just the text, or also the not-exactly-explicit messages that reflect the author's own biases?

Yeah I'll admit my own biases on this- I'm not a fan of British English because I'm an American and I'm living as a minority here in China, where the English that's taught in schools is way more British than American. I'm homesick and I'm tired of recalibrating my English so it's compatible with silly British stuff that Chinese people learned in school. I'm tired of trying to explain that this is pudding and this is jello and this is jelly but the translation software might tell you otherwise because British people have a totally different understanding of what's pudding and what's jello and what's jelly.

(But on a rational level, I do realize that the rest of the world all calls it "football" and there's no objective right or wrong about language. And obviously the bible wasn't written in English.)

But here's my point: If you believe "the bible is inerrant and inspired by God, and God used imperfect people to write it", then why is there so much study and debate over "what the author intended"? Maybe "what the author intended" was actually wrong. When people claim that the bible is inerrant, are they actually claiming the author's thoughts and intentions and opinions while writing were inerrant? That is quite a claim.

(And again, let me be upfront about my biases: No, I no longer believe the bible is completely inerrant and inspired by God. Maybe some parts are, but definitely not the whole thing.)

Here's an example from the bible: Genesis 30:25-43 describes how Jacob put striped branches in the water the goats were drinking, so then they gave birth to striped offspring. (Jacob did this because he had made an agreement with Laban that all the striped or spotted goats in Laban's flock would be Jacob's.)

Now, the text itself only says that Jacob did this, and then the offspring were striped. It doesn't technically say that striped branches actually cause goats to give birth to striped baby goats. And I used to be an apologetics nerd; I know that when somebody comes along and says "hey that's not how genetics works", the correct answer is "well yes, we know from genetics that striped branches won't cause the offspring to have stripes. Really it was God who made the offspring striped, because God wanted to bless Jacob. Jacob thought it was because of his little striped-branches scheme, but that really had nothing to do with it."

But let's imagine we're interested in "what the author meant" and we're having a conversation with the author:

So, what did you mean when you said Jacob put striped branches in the goats' drinking water, and then they gave birth to striped offspring?

I meant that when female goats look at striped branches, they are more likely to have baby goats that are striped.

Did you mean like, just in this one particular case that's what happened, or did you mean that's something that's true in general?

Yes that's how it always works. Anyone who wants striped goat babies can try this at home.

I believe that, based on their ancient understanding of science, the above hypothetical conversation is "what the author of Genesis meant." Would Christians who believe in inerrancy accept that this incorrect understanding of science is "what the author meant" but then claim it doesn't matter because it's not what they wrote? What they wrote can still be interpreted as inerrant. So... no issues for inerrancy?

Or, let's suppose the apologetics explanation I mentioned is actually "what the author meant." Let's see how that conversation might go:

So, what did you mean when you said Jacob put striped branches in the goats' drinking water, and then they gave birth to striped offspring?

I meant that Jacob thought his striped branches were causing the baby goats to be striped, but actually that's not how science works. Actually it was God intervening to make them striped.

What do you mean by "God intervening"?

I mean that God favored Jacob- not Laban, not Esau- so he chose to bless Jacob by giving him more goats.

What do you mean by "God favored Jacob"? Why would God like Jacob better than Laban or Esau?

"Jacob" is just a way cooler name, obviously, so that's why God liked him better.

Okay it's a silly example, but my point is, you can keep asking "what did you mean by" questions- to anyone, about any topic- and sooner or later you will inevitably hit upon some bizarre/ignorant/nonsensical belief that they hold. Because we all have beliefs and biases that aren't really rational or true. So what I'm asking is this: For those of you who believe the bible is inerrant and are SO INTERESTED in "the author's intended meaning", where do you draw the line between what's inerrant and what's just the writer's own flawed beliefs?

The only solution that could potentially make sense is to say the literal words of the text are inerrant, but "what the author meant" is NOT necessarily inerrant- though it is certainly useful and informative to discuss "what the author meant." I don't see any way to separate out "what the author meant" about one particular bible passage they wrote, such that their opinions on that specific passage form a closed, inerrant system of beliefs that is in no way connected to their imperfect understanding of reality.

But what does it even mean to say the words of the biblical text are inerrant, but "what the author meant" by those words is not? How can words have a meaning which is separate from what the author meant by them? I'll give you an example: Suppose I use the term "red shirt." What does "red shirt" mean? Well it's a reference to the characters on "Star Trek: The Original Series" who wore red shirts and always died in attacks or accidents, and the main characters didn't care about them- their deaths were just a way to show the audience that our heroes were in a dangerous situation.

But then you say "no no, apart from the context of Star Trek, what does 'red shirt' mean?"

That question doesn't make any sense. If I, as a trekkie, say "red shirt", there is no possible way to understand it besides as a Star Trek reference. You can't remove it from the context of my experience watching Star Trek and expect to understand my meaning. It's not like I'm using some intrinsic, context-independent definition of "red shirt" and then adding the Star Trek thing on top of that. No, the Star Trek thing is the entire meaning.

In the "red shirt" example, it's easy to see how it's possible for a word or phrase to literally not have any meaning at all if one attempts to separate it from the opinions and lived experience of the writer or reader. But it's not just because it's a term from a TV show. I believe ALL OF LANGUAGE is like this. ALL OF LANGUAGE has no meaning apart from the lived experiences of people.

See, I know this because I speak Chinese. And in the process of learning Chinese, I didn't just read a dictionary and memorize an abstract definition for each word- no, if you want to learn to speak a language, you have to study by speaking the language. It's about being in situations where you use the words. It's about talking to people. It's about experiencing the culture. How can you talk about what a word means just by itself, without situations, people, and culture? There is no meaning apart from those things.

In sci-fi movies, characters can "download" a language into their brain, or there's a "universal translator" so everything is in English- but here in the real world, languages don't work that way. Tell me this, after you "download" Chinese into your brain: What is a 发票 [fā piào]? A dictionary will tell you it means "invoice" but I'm here to tell you it doesn't. Personally, if I absolutely have to translate it into real English words, I call it a "fancy receipt"- it's a special kind of receipt that serves as proof that the seller paid tax on the income from the sale. There are regular receipts, and then there are fapiaos. At a restaurant they'll give you a normal receipt when you pay, but if you are getting reimbursed by your company or something, that receipt isn't good enough- you need to ask your waiter to give you a fapiao. And usually the waiter will direct you over to a cashier with a special printer just for fapiaos, and the cashier will ask you if they should print your name on it, or your company's name, or what. The fapiao is usually printed on narrow paper like a receipt, and always has a very officially-looking red stamp. For some people, depending on how the salary structure works at their job, some of their income may be tax-exempt if they can submit fapiaos for it- for example, at one place I worked in China, I submitted fapiaos for the rent I paid on my apartment, and then I didn't have to pay tax on that part of my salary. It's a very special, very official type of receipt, and there is no equivalent concept in the United States.

Try downloading that into your brain. It's impossible to really understand what a fapiao is without that lived experience. Without ever having the feeling like you're lost in a giant bureaucracy and you're just screwed because you don't have the right fapiao. (International people living in China actually say "fapiao"- we don't really try to translate it to English. Whereas a lot of Chinese people call it "invoice" when they're speaking English because they don't realize that we don't have that concept in English- they don't realize it's not something you can just easily translate like that.)

Here's another example: I was talking to an American friend, let's call him Mark, who also learned Chinese. He mentioned the fact that the Chinese word for "giraffe" is "长颈鹿 [cháng jǐng lù]", which, if you translate each character individually, is literally "long neck deer." He said, "Before I started studying Chinese, I never thought of a giraffe as being like a deer, but ya know, it kind of is." Then I told Hendrix (whose first language is Chinese) about what Mark said, and how it was true for me too- it had never occurred to me that a giraffe is like a deer. Hendrix was SHOCKED. How could someone live their entire life without realizing that a giraffe is like a deer????!!!!!

My point is, language is connected to the way we think. If someone's first language is Chinese, they probably conceptualize a giraffe as being like a deer but really tall and with a long neck. Whereas if their first language is English, they think of it as just an unusual animal that's not really similar to any other animals. Obviously no matter what language you speak, you are able to study biology and find out what animals a giraffe is actually like- but those biological facts will be layered on top of the implicit assumptions you were taught when you learned your first language. Language affects the way we think. And vice versa.

All of language is like this. Words mean nothing without culture, without people, without experiences. So how can someone say the literal words of the bible are inerrant, but the "author's intended meaning" is not? The "literal words" have no meaning by themselves. And how can someone say the "author's intended meaning" is inerrant, but the author is still a flawed person with an imperfect understanding of reality? Where is the line between the author's thoughts on the bible passage they wrote, and the rest of their opinions about the world?

I titled this post "the author of Leviticus would have been cool with it" in reference to the argument, made by some queer Christians and allies, that "in the bible, where same-sex relationships are condemned, it's always in the context of rape or pedophilia or other exploitative relationships, not consensual relationships between equal partners. If the writers had known about consensual same-sex relationships, they wouldn't have condemned them." I don't agree with this argument- though I do believe it can be an important first step for people coming from a "the bible is clear" background.

Because, who cares how the author of Leviticus would have reacted in this hypothetical situation? Seems like the only reason someone would even be talking about this is if they believed all the author's opinions were inerrant- not just the ones they wrote in the bible. But that's ridiculous- I've never heard a Christian make a claim like that. Usually they say "the bible is inerrant and inspired by God, who used imperfect humans to write it."

Maybe the author of Leviticus would not have been okay with same-sex consensual sex, but God was okay with it so God didn't "inspire" them to write that particular opinion of theirs in the bible. [That is, if you interpret what they did write as only referring to coercive relationships- which the text doesn't say explicitly, so again this gets into what the author wrote vs what the author meant.] Or, we could invent all kinds of hypotheticals about "God's opinion was this, the writer's opinion was that, this particular aspect is inerrant and this one is not." Maybe it's a fun game, but I'll just put my cards on the table here and say it doesn't actually matter to me because I don't believe the bible is inerrant. I believe the bible got lots of things wrong.

When you actually start to think about how "inerrancy" would work, how it could be that imperfect people wrote a perfect book, you'll see it doesn't really make sense. And it makes even less sense for Christians to be so concerned about "what did the author MEAN by this?" Are they really claiming that not only the bible is inerrant, but also everything the authors "meant" when they were writing the bible is inerrant? How can that be? That's not how language works, and it's not how humans work.