Modesty is Causing Women to Stumble

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It's that time of year again. The weather is getting hot, people are showing more skin, and other people feel the need to condemn them for doing so.

Guys, I know you just like to be comfortable and tell everyone your opinions about women's clothing, but you need to show some compassion for your sisters in Christ.

First of all, you need to understand that women are visual. This means that we are always judged- by others and by ourselves- against cultural standards of what "beauty" is supposed to mean. We are constantly bombarded with photoshopped images and unrealistic expectations. No matter what kind of success a woman achieves, people criticize her if she's not "attractive" or "feminine" "enough". So women are taught to base their self-worth on whether or not they're meeting cultural beauty standards. That's how they're wired. By society.

It's a battle every day. We want to believe that we are loved and we are valuable just the way we are, but everywhere we turn, there's an advertisement about how we need to improve our appearance and then magically have a perfect life.

You'd think that in church, girls could at least have a break from this pressure. Nope. Summer comes around, and there are always pastors and well-meaning church people laying down more and more rules about how women are supposed to dress. If you don't follow the rules, apparently you are a bad person- prideful, insecure, selfish, manipulative, etc. Again, women are taught that their character and self-worth can be determined by their appearance, by the way they follow your standards of beauty.

How is the church so much like the world in this regard? Why isn't it a place where women can feel safe, where they are not judged on their appearance?

Of course, I'm not blaming the modesty police for women's thoughts. If you say something that causes a woman to stumble- to believe the lie that she's not good enough and she should feel shame because of her body- that's her own responsibility. Of course it's not your fault. Except that it totally is, and you have a responsibility to not contribute to a culture that heaps this kind of shame on your sisters in Christ.

So the next time you want to make a comment on what women should or shouldn't wear, stop and think first. Will my words cause someone to stumble? (Your opinions on what's sexy are good and God-given, but they are meant to be shared only with your spouse, not the general public.) When in doubt, you can ask your mother or sister for their advice.

I know it's a sacrifice to make- not being able to give your judgey opinion about somebody else's life- but didn't Jesus say we should put others first? Is it really worth it to feel like you're an expert on everyone else's clothing choices (and body type) and what it says about their character, if you're hurting your sisters in the process?

Let's show compassion for each other. Let people just be who they are without having to worry about their body being "good enough." And maybe pray that your sisters in Christ would know that God loves them no matter what they wear.

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See also:
The Story of Me and Modesty
The Male Equivalent to Modesty

Blogaround

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1. I married a sex offender (posted February 2014) "He told everyone who would listen his manipulative version of the abuse, with no regard for the privacy or feelings of the victim or even his own family."

2. Euclid The Game. For the math nerds like me. See if you can do some compass-and-ruler constructions in this game.

3. Brazilian prostitutes and Christian evangelicals play soccer match on World Cup sidelines (posted June 15) "Rights must be the same for everyone. We're no different from anyone else just because we're sex workers."

4. Cat And Lynx Become Inseparable Friends (posted June 8) Oh my goodness you guys this is the most adorable thing.

5. Why We Need More Movies About Abortion (posted June 19) "Despite the fact that 1 in 3 women will have an abortion before age 45, judging by the content of mainstream movies and TV, it seems more likely a woman will try on ten thousand bridesmaid dresses, accidentally fall for a trained assassin, or change bodies with her teenaged self than terminate a pregnancy." So... I'm pro-choice in theory but this really really scares me/ makes me really uncomfortable and I can't explain why.

6. When Suits Become a Stumbling Block: A Plea to My Brothers in Christ* (posted June 19) "When you choose to exist in public looking well-groomed and sharp, you are basically extending an invitation for me to lust after you." Well amen.

7. Not Everyone Is Beautiful (posted June 9) "Because if everyone is beautiful or everyone can be beautiful or everyone is beautiful to someone, it’s okay to base a civilization around it."

8. Bathsheba and the myth of unconscious seduction (posted June 13) "A woman is in the wrong merely for having a body, for being beautiful, for being visible. To be sinless and safe, she must cover up."

9. These curious animals:

Image source.

10. Inflatable Unicorn Horn for Cats (posted June 25) "Cats love it!"

Adventures in Sexy Halloween Costumes

Of course I had never worn a sexy Halloween costume before this year. Because they are "immodest" and therefore evil.

But, you know, I'm on tao bao (Chinese equivalent to ebay) trying to pick out a costume for my school's Halloween party. (We teach the students English, and we also teach them a bit about Western culture, so OBVIOUSLY there needs to be a Halloween party.) There are so many cute costumes... and you know I'm thinking those women are so beautiful, and those costumes would look so good on me... I'm young and skinny and beautiful and I really love how I look. I want to wear stuff like that.

(You know, ever since I ditched modesty, I've been so happy that I'm free to say, "She's really beautiful" rather than judge other women for wearing the "immodest" stuff I wish I was allowed to wear.)

So, encouraged by my coworkers, who assured me I would look incredibly cute in many of those costumes, I picked one out and ordered it.

Here's what I bought, female Captain America:

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I mean, she's beautiful, right? (No no, she's totally evil for wearing that and being so inconsiderate to the men whose minds are being attacked by her sexiness, plus she doesn't respect herself, she just wants attention from men.) (Wow I'm so glad I ditched modesty culture so I don't have to think stuff like that any more.)

It came in the mail, I opened up the package and my first thought was "oh no, I ordered a child's size by mistake." Haha, no this is the adult woman costume, honey. "One size fits most."

Okay so I tried it on. Well goodness, I look freaking beautiful. I pretty much look like the woman in the picture- tall and skinny (and no cleavage). Put on my high heels and everything. Oh man I felt so good, strutting around my little apartment.

However. The skirt is incredibly short. My underwear might show when I sit down or move or whatever. So I reasoned that I had 3 options:

1. Wear something under it- shorts or leggings, maybe, so no one sees my underwear.
2. Make peace with the fact that people might happen to catch a glimpse of my underwear.
3. Be paranoid and careful throughout the entire party, avoiding any movement that might perhaps cause my skirt to move slightly.

And wow, I suddenly realized, every woman who dresses "immodest" (normal people use words like cute, hot, sexy, beautiful) probably thinks carefully about stuff like that, and makes a decision about what exactly she wants to show and not show. 

Of course I used to imagine she would just think "haha I don't respect my body, WHATEVERRRRRRR" and totally not care who saw what.

Like, you're already wearing this evil immodest thing, you have no right to set a boundary and not let people see your underwear. (Wow if that's not rape culture, I don't know what is. Asking for it...)

So I talked it over with my sister, who said the dress would be fine as-is just for a regular party, but since I was going to a party at my job, with my boss there and me being a teacher and stuff, I should get some leggings. She said if it was her, she wouldn't want her boss to see her underwear. (My boss is a woman- is that relevant here? No, still wouldn't want my boss to see my underwear.)

I've never had to think about stuff like this before, you guys!

I told my sister, "but I want to be sexy" and she said "if you get some tight leggings it will still be sexy." OH MY GOODNESS! Do you know how many rules I broke by saying "I want to be sexy"? And wow, the idea that tight clothing is good- completely mind-blowing. Completely immodest.

Okay so I bought some blue leggings. And I still look great, I'll have you know.

So the day of the Halloween party came. When students started showing up in costumes- my students are adults, mostly in their 20s and 30s- I went into the back room and got changed into mine. I came out and was immediately made aware of Captain America's Chinese name (美国队长 měiguó duìzhǎng) because the students were all impressed and telling me I was beautiful and such- I was turning heads. And everyone was taking pictures with their phones. (Not just me- anyone with a good costume got mobbed by paparazzi.)

I knew I was beautiful. And I totally didn't worry at all about "what if my skirt comes up" or whatever- actually I totally forgot about it. I had the blue leggings so no worries. So happy.

And there you have it. My very very first time daring to be sexy in public. My very very first time unashamedly, explicitly saying I want to look sexy. Sure, there have been formal dances I've attended, where I wore amazing dresses and looked incredibly beautiful- but I always felt guilty for indulging my desire to be beautiful. It's mean to the guys, you know.

My body is freaking beautiful and I want to look amazing- something totally not allowed in Modesty Land.

It feels so good to be immodest.

It feels so good to dress for myself, not for guys.

Blogaround

Image source.

1. when this is a post about rape and virginity, part one (posted February 24) "We cannot gloss over how horrifying this is."

2. Twitter (posted February 26) Xkcd answers the questions, "How many unique English tweets are possible? How long would it take for the population of the world to read them all out loud?"

3. Beauty and Reality (posted February 24) "What we correlate Taylor Swift as being in our minds is not even REAL."

4. We Aren't the World (posted February 25) "96 percent of human subjects in these studies came from countries that represent only 12 percent of the world’s population." Really interesting article about how culture drastically affects the way people reason.

5. I Am Not Abraham's Mistake (posted February 27) "According to my well-meaning brother at the gym and those whom he represents, this whole conflict in the Middle East could have been avoided if Abraham had just been patient and not fathered Ishmael—and the Arabs never existed. Sweet. Thanks guys."

6. "I Give Myself Away." I love this song.

7. Poisoning the Well (posted February 25) "I couldn’t shake off the message drilled into my head as a child, that people abandon 'difficult' and 'challenging' faith in a divine judge because they want a God who signs off on whatever they do."

8. when it matters because of two gardens (#femfest day two) (posted February 27) "She preached the redemption first.​"

9. Why It Matters: Feminism is for my little sisters (posted February 27) "One in six American women will be a victim of sexual assault at some point in their life. There are six daughters in my family."

10. Is abolition "biblical"? (posted February 28) "As you can see, Christians advocating for the preservation of slavery did not characterize their abolitionist opponents as simply disagreeing with them on the interpretation of the biblical text, but instead tended to accuse them of not taking the Bible seriously at all."

11. What Is God's Will for My Life? (posted February 28) "What if God the Father has not sent his children on a cosmic Easter egg hunt to discover his will while he sits back in heaven saying, 'You’re getting colder ... warmer ... colder ...'?"

12. An Unholy Evil: Ignorance, Silence, and Abuse (posted February 28) [trigger warning: child abuse] "It is horrific. It is beyond the pale. And it is the farthest thing from 'Christian' one could possibly be."

13. Of church, feminism, and safety. (posted February 28) "It is the church that told me that my body is toxic poison to any and all men, to the point that I’ve heard it hinted that perhaps breast reduction surgery could be in order for women endowed the way I am, to help brothers in Christ not stumble."

14. Procrastination Is Not Laziness (posted February 26) "So when you consider taking anything on, the promise of praise or benefit from doing something right are overshadowed by the (disproportionately greater) threat of getting something wrong."

The Story of Me and Modesty

Some girls grow up in an extremely conservative subculture, where the lengths of their skirts are measured with rulers and they are punished if it's an inch "too short." But that's not my story.

Some women from feminist backgrounds argue against the emphasis on "modesty rules" because it teaches than women are responsible for men's behavior, and that if a woman gets raped, well it must be because of what she was wearing, and the guy just couldn't help it. Obviously feminists have a few things to say about that. But that's not my story.

Nope. For me, modesty was something I was taught about but never with concrete or strictly-enforced rules. Instead, I really did want to "help my brothers" and was attempting to do so by myself, out of the goodness of my heart, not because anyone was forcing me to. And the result? Well I found the whole thing makes no sense because, at its core, the teaching about "modesty" says that there is something evil and dangerous about femininity.

Here's my story...

So my background is conservative/evangelical Christianity, and I've heard teaching about modesty and why it's apparently so important. The argument goes like this: When a guy sees a girl wearing something "immodest" he'll be distracted and tempted to lust. (Because gay men don't exist, ya know.) So women should help out our brothers by not wearing revealing clothes.

So, okay whatever. It didn't really affect my life, besides a bit of uncertainty over whether God was okay with me buying a cute "immodest" swimsuit. But overall, I didn't really worry about it because how I was supposed to know what is and is not going to "cause" lust? I'm not a straight guy. And this "problem" that guys apparently have, where they're mentally tortured by seeing an "immodestly-dressed" woman, is something I can't relate to at all. So it didn't really seem like something to worry about.

But I always wondered. Because, ya know, I really did want to help my brothers out. So it would be nice to have a better understanding of what is and is not "immodest."

And then I found The Modesty Survey.

What is The Modesty Survey, you may ask? Well it's a survey of a bunch of (mostly) homeschooled American Christian teenage boys, in which they answer 148 questions about what is and is not modest for girls to wear/do.

And I thought, "Perfect! Finally I'll get to find out which things are and are not modest, and the question will be settled and I won't have to wonder about modesty anymore."

And it was all in the form of statistics! I'm a math person so this is wonderful.

So I read the whole thing. It started off pretty positive...

"Girls can dress attractively without being immodest."

Overwhelming agreement for the statement "Girls can dress attractively without being immodest." Awesome, just what I wanted to hear.

(Although now that I read it again, I am incredibly disturbed that 9 idiots said "disagree" or "strongly disagree.")

Moving along, I found some other results that were pretty much expected:

Lots of agreement for the statement "A girl's underwear should never show." No problem there.

Lots of agreement for "Miniskirts are immodest."

Lots of agreement for "Showing any cleavage is immodest."

Okay, so far so good. These are things I can easily avoid. No problem.

But then we get into some other questions that never in a million years would have occurred to me:

Half of these guys think that "Shirts with messages across the front draw too much attention to the bust."

Okay well... uh... that's kind of unreasonable...

Half the guys think "Seeing a girl take off a pullover (i.e. a shirt that must be pulled over her head) is a stumbling block, even if she is wearing a modest shirt underneath."

Apparently taking off a sweater- though I'm wearing something underneath- makes a decent (heh) percentage of guys think I'm about to get naked. Okay...

(Oh by the way, for those not familiar with the term "stumbling block": Some Christians talk like this. It means a temptation.)

A majority of the guys think that "Seeing a girl stretching (e.g. arching the back, reaching the arms back, and sticking out the chest) is a stumbling block."

So now I can't even stretch?

So I read and analyzed these results, paying particular attention to the statements that the majority of those guys agreed with, trying to figure out how I could modify my lifestyle to accommodate all this.

Okay, can we just stop and look at what we're doing here and how COMPLETELY MESSED-UP it is?

So we're asking a bunch of horny teenage boys to fill out a survey to describe in vivid detail their sexual fantasies and what turns them on, so that the girls can take detailed notes and structure their lives to avoid those things.

Right, because male sexuality is absolute truth. Whatever a horny teenage boy thinks when he looks at a random woman is clearly the authoritative perspective on the matter.

Is there no room to say, "Sorry, but you're wrong. When you saw me bend over and pick something up, you thought I was doing it to show off my butt, but you're wrong. You're wrong." No, instead "modesty culture" teaches that if men have misconceptions about whether I'm dressing to "flaunt my body" then I'd better change how I dress so they don't assume that. The horny guy's perception of the situation is the only one that matters.

But at the time I wasn't thinking along those lines. (Hadn't realized I was a feminist yet, ya know.) I was trying to make sense of all this new information. And then...

About 15% think that "Jeans are generally immodest, even if they aren't too tight."

Jeans?! Seriously, jeans?! I mean, I'm happy that it's only a minority of guys supporting this unreasonable standard, but...

(trigger warning for discussion of rape in the next 2 paragraphs)

For every single question, there were a few that thought that the item in question was "immodest." And from reading some of the comments that explained their answers, I found out what that meant. As it turns out, no matter what I wear, some minority of guys out there is raping me in their heads.

No longer was I worried about "causing a brother to stumble." I was horrified at the idea that no matter what I wore, it was going to "cause" some guy to think about raping me. That is completely evil and offensive and 55 levels of NOT OKAY. No longer was I interested in modesty because I wanted to "help" the guys- no, I wanted to save my own dignity and not be thought of as a sex object.

And I remember looking at the survey results over and over again, trying to make sense out of any of it. All the optimism I had upon seeing the overwhelming agreement on "Girls can dress attractively without being immodest" was gone. What to do, what to do?

After being horrified and appalled for a few days, I couldn't take it any more. I decided to just forget about it. Evidently there was nothing I could do- I'm better off not thinking about it.

But it had changed my understanding of modesty. Before, I thought it was binary- some outfit was either "modest" or "immodest." (And the "immodest" ones were really revealing outfits that I wasn't going to wear anyway.) But now I saw that there was a whole range of responses. Maybe if I didn't show any cleavage, most guys wouldn't "stumble." But if I wore something totally baggy and not feminine at all, maybe that would help out a few more of the guys.

Suppose I made a list of the clothes that over 50% of the guys in the survey thought were "immodest", and I avoided wearing those. Well, what about some OTHER piece of clothing that only 30% of guys said was immodest- should I avoid wearing that too? Do I care about that 30% of the guys? Gotta care about them- you know, Christian women are supposed to help out our brothers. Okay, what about something that 10% said was immodest? Where do you draw the line? If you try to go all the way and only wear things that were okayed by 100% of the guys, well... then you can't wear anything. And apparently THAT'S immodest too.

The only solution is to not be a girl.

And this way of thinking is what I described in Modesty as she is taught. The idea that "this cute outfit is 'modest', but wouldn't it be even MORE modest (and therefore better and more godly) to wear some horrible ugly sweatshirt, so I don't look feminine at all?"

For a long time I was completely confused about modesty. I saw beautiful women at church and wondered how they justified wearing something so beautiful. Sure, it wasn't revealing, but wouldn't it be even BETTER to wear something that looks horrible?

There were mornings I wanted to wear a cute little shirt (not tight or revealing- except that it reveals the fact that I am a girl) but chose a loose t-shirt instead. Because, I had been taught, "Is looking great in that sexy outfit really more important to you than your Christian brothers' staying out of sin?" Let me repeat: My cute and feminine clothes were NOT "sexy." But since I want to help out the boys as much as I can- Jesus says we're supposed to sacrifice our own desires and help others- sometimes I guilted myself into wearing a dumb-looking shirt.

(Not all the time, though. In my humble opinion, I look really freakin' awesome and beautiful, and I like wearing cute stuff. So I frequently did. But I could not give a logical argument for how it could possibly be okay for me to do so. And that really bothered me.)

There were times in church, I was enjoying the worship music and careful not to move my legs too much, because it might make guys think about my butt. There were times I was in a public place looking for a water fountain, and I walked farther than necessary so I could find one with fewer people around- fewer people to look at my butt when I bent over. And one time, a group of friends (including a few boys) wanted to video-chat on Skype, but I had pajamas on, so of course I said no.

And THANK GOD I'm skinny and I don't have a big butt or big boobs. Being skinny makes this a thousand times easier. But still impossible.

And I judged people. I judged other girls. Because now I had this new secret knowledge that said leggings with patterns on them were immodest.

I remember the first time I heard someone challenge the idea of modesty. She was coming from a feminist perspective, and said that requiring women to be "modest" is super-messed-up because it says women are responsible for men's behavior. I wanted to tell her "NO! You don't understand! Guys are being TORTURED mentally when they see a woman wearing something revealing. They are so weak and helpless! They need our help! Don't you care?" But how could I make that argument? I'm not a guy- how could I know whether any of that was even true?

But I accepted the "men are helpless" premise and believed that making modesty a requirement for women wasn't sexist, but was the only practical way to address the situation. Clearly, men are animals, powerless against their own lust, and women are the only ones with any ability to do something about this.

But like I said, the logical conclusion is that femininity is bad and dangerous. But no, that can't be right. And none of the women I talked to at church had any answer for me. In fact, people told me, "But perfectnumber, the way you dress is fine! You've got no problem looking beautiful and modest." I know... but I could not justify why it's okay for me to look beautiful like this, when I could wear something more baggy and less feminine- wouldn't that be BETTER?

The turning point for me was when I challenged the idea that "Is looking great in that sexy outfit really more important to you than your Christian brothers' staying out of sin?"- in other words, no matter how great the personal cost to me, I should cover up in order to help the boys. NO! Sometimes the cost is too great. 

If women are believing that it is bad for them to look beautiful, that cost is too great.

If women whose bodies are naturally more "curvy" are made to feel ashamed for it, that cost is too great.

If we are teaching that it is a woman's fault when a man objectifies her, that cost is too great.

So yes, it absolutely IS more important to "wear that sexy outfit" than to cover up all signs of femininity.

You can read more about what I think in Modesty: My Solution, which I wrote a few months ago. But I'd like to point out that I don't come at this issue from the usual feminist angle, which says the whole thing's ridiculous and out of the question because women are not responsible for men's thoughts and behavior. No, instead I really did want to help "my brothers in Christ" but found that it made no sense and was impossible.

So I'm done. I'm going to wear what I want to wear. And you know what? No one's going to know the difference. I'm not arguing against "modesty culture" because I want to wear a bikini to a funeral. I'm arguing against it because it makes no sense and should not be advocated by people who claim that women are created in the image of God.

As I said in Modesty: My Solution, "I personally don't care about modesty at all any more."

(Except, of course, to argue about how it makes no sense.)

Blogaround

1. Banned Books Change Lives. (posted September 30) "If To Kill a Mockingbird (or other books that contain 'the n-word') were banned, this conversation never would have happened. If we had never brought the 'n-word' into our classroom, all those students would still not understand why their hackles raise when they hear it, or why it is taboo to say it."

2. Sensitive Scientists Report 5 in 5 Women Don't Know How Beautiful They Are (posted October 4) It's The Onion, but still, this is adorable.

3. The A La Carte Bible (posted October 3)

4. Curiosity Finds... SOMETHING... on Martian Surface (posted October 9) Looks like a little piece of metal. On one hand, I think this is so cool, on the other hand, it's a bit bizarre that a robot finding a tiny bit of metal is front-page news.

5. 'Sesame Street' Asks Obama Campaign To Take Down Big Bird Ad (posted October 9)

6. What happens when Jesus is not the answer? (posted October 9) "When William Wilberforce set out to end the slave trade, no one asked ‘how many got saved?’ Wilberforce worked for justice, to right a terrible wrong and to see people set free in this world."

7. Sex, women, and "giving" (posted October 10) A critique of the assumptions behind "why wives need to give their husbands more sex" and the statistics that supposedly support it.

8. Best Marriage Advice We Received (posted October 10)

9. Sign you might listen to a lot of Christian music (posted October 11). LOL!

10. "Boys Will Be Boys" Is No Excuse For Bad Behavior (posted October 7) "I know it's a lurid metaphor, but I taught my daughter the preschool block precursor of 'don't get raped' and Boy #1 did not learn the preschool equivalent of 'don't rape.'"

11. Treadmill Kittens (posted in 2007) Youtube video of 2 cats on a treadmill. I lolled.

12. Skydiver lands safely after historic jump from edge of space (posted October 14) Well, that's just awesome.

13. In Defense of the 4-Letter Word (posted October 3) "And upon hearing of a friend’s cancer diagnosis, I might go so far as to suggest that it’s more profane to say God never gives you more than you can handle than it is reach across the table, grab her hands, whisper the word fuck."

Blogaround

1. Soul Mates (posted August 28) I love you, xkcd! This post asks "What if everyone actually had only one soul mate, a random person somewhere in the world?" and comes at it with logic and data on world population- to show how totally ridiculous that notion is. Yes!

However, I still have to deal with Christian version of this myth- "God will set you up with that one perfect person!" which is much tougher to address... See also my post on how the Christian version of this myth is a much stronger beast.

2. How child sponsorship through World Vision works (posted September 4) This is a very very informative post, by a blogger who visited Sri Lanka with a team from World Vision. The child sponsorship program sounds great- it helps the community as a whole, not just one child at a time.

3. The Incomplete Politics of Poverty (posted August 31) According to the bible, there are 3 causes of poverty. This makes a lot of sense.

4. This video: Jesus Wants the Rose.

The church's teaching on "purity" flies in the face of the gospel, and this video communicates that better than anything else I've seen.

5. The amazing speeches of women in the conventions makes the silence of women in the Church that much more deafening. (posted September 5) Yes. This.

6. Defriended Over a Wedding, a Straight Man Gains Perspective (posted September 3)

7. Dear Pro-Lifers: STOP ERASING WOMEN (posted September 6) "Because that's the problem, isn't it? If zygotes didn't live inside women's bodies, this wouldn't be an issue."

8. Seeing Faces, Not Statistics (posted September 6) "And what would it have hurt for me to hear it? Why, in all of those abstinence-only speeches, where they scared you on the failure of condoms and condemned Planned Parenthood, why did they not explain that some people need them?"

9. The myth of how the hijab protects women against sexual assault (posted September 6)

10. Please Don't Tell Me I'm Beautiful (posted September 7) "I can tell you from over 35 years of first-hand experience, from when my face first got smashed with a baseball bat and my teeth were ruined, that it's a mind-f*ck to be told 'you're beautiful' when nearly every single consequential, real-world factor tells you otherwise." I totally agree with this article, and I wrote something similar a while ago: We CANNOT say "everyone is beautiful".

Bullying, Beauty, And Plastic Surgery You Don't Need

Nadia Ilse, a 14-year-old girl, received $40,000 in free plastic surgery to get her ears pinned back and her nose and chin modified. Why? Well the simplest answer is because kids in school bullied her, but I think it goes much deeper than that.

Here and here are some links about this story.

There are so many problems I have with this; where do I start?

First of all, it would be the wrong response to read this story, look at the "before" photo, say "ah come on, there's nothing wrong with her, she looks fine" and conclude that she was wrong to get the surgery.

It's TRUE that there was nothing wrong with her. But if you go tell her some cliche about being beautiful, why should she believe you? Why should she believe you when bullies make her ashamed to walk around in public with her ears sticking out? Why should she believe you when the media is full of images of women with a certain body type, implying that those images are the ideal, and that a woman's worth is based on her appearance?

You can't solve this by giving girls some cliches about self-esteem or inner beauty or whatever. (See also: We CANNOT say "everyone is beautiful.") You need to address the culture that perpetuates these stupid sexist ideas about what women are "supposed" to look like.

So maybe in her situation, getting the surgery did make sense. I don't know. I don't know what level of bullying she was dealing with. But even if it was "the right decision", it's not supposed to be this way. People are not supposed to bully other people. Women are not supposed to hate their bodies. High-school kids are not supposed to be getting plastic surgery.

I don't know; maybe it was the right decision in her situation. But it shows something is terribly, terribly wrong with society.

Also: Does anyone actually think this a guaranteed solution to her bullying problem? Do you really think bullies operate on logic? And the reason she was bullied was simply "her ears are big" and now that that's not the case anymore, there will be no more bullying?

Right...

Perhaps the most disturbing is the idea that you should solve your problems by changing yourself to fit a stereotype, to fit what other people say you should be. Apparently the bullies were right- her ears WERE too big, and something needed to be done. And now that she's changed herself, things are much better. This is not okay.

This is not okay. And I hope Nadia can get away from that environment of bullying. I hope she can love her body. I hope she will learn to be strong and fight against all the illogical criticism of women's bodies. I hope she can follow her dreams without being held back by any of this garbage.

Modesty: My Solution

Here is my previous post, in which I basically concluded that it would be most godly for me to not look like a girl.

And here is my answer, my personal stance on this whole "modesty" issue:

1. If modesty is for helping the boys, then it's ONLY for the decent boys.

If modesty is about helping boys not to lust, well, some boys are beyond help.  There are men who WANT to objectify women. Women have NO RESPONSIBILITY to "help" them not be perverts. There are men who stare at women on the bus. There are men who get on the internet and argue that women should take sexual harassment as a COMPLIMENT. There are men who make awful sexist superbowl commercials... Modesty is absolutely not for their benefit.

Because they don't want help. Because they're beyond help. Because the only way to stop them from objectifying you is to not let them know you're a girl.

Usually it gets worded a bit more crudely... Image source.

Because if you're a pervert, and you want to be a pervert, that's your own problem. It makes no sense for me to change my behavior for someone who doesn't even respect women. It's ridiculous that I would even CONSIDER that maybe I should change my behavior for them. Absolutely not.

The best I can do is try not to think about it, because that's the creepiest thing...

No, the boys we are trying to "help" by being "modest" are the decent ones. They're the ones who respect women and treat them like, you know, people. Treat them like friends, like sisters. They are the ones who want to have a friendly conversation with you, and know that it would be wrong to stare at your boobs, and they don't want to stare, so help them out by not showing cleavage.

The decent guys are the ones who have thought about this stuff before, who know what lust is, and know their own weaknesses and limits. They live in the same world you do- they have to live in society every day and interact with women. As long as your appearance is within the realm of what people typically look like, the guys have seen it before and if this is really a problem for them, then they have faced it before and know what they need to do to deal with it.

So, not as much of a big deal as we girls might think.

(Decent guys out there- am I right?)

2. Cost vs benefit

One of the ideas behind "modesty" is that yes, girls totally have the freedom to wear whatever, but we should give up some of that freedom, to help out the guys. So, you could see it like this:

Cost to me, as a woman: I don't get to look as sexy as I want.

Benefit to men: They don't have to worry about guarding their minds against lust when they're around me.

Maybe that sounds reasonable in principle, but how does that work in a practical sense? Do women have to agonize over all their clothing choices, feel bad about their bodies if they look more "feminine", question their motives all the time, and feel guilty for wanting to be beautiful?

"Oh no this t-shirt has an image on the front! I'm worried that it draws too much attention to my chest..." Image source.

How it actually works out:

Cost to me, as a woman: I feel like I'm not allowed to look cute/beautiful/feminine at all. The logical conclusion is that I should wear a tent, you know, in order to help the guys as much as possible.

Benefit to men: Impossible to measure. Maybe it all didn't matter.

But the bible says to treat others better than ourselves. So shouldn't I give up my rights, without limit, in order to possibly help someone else a little bit?

No. The cost to me/ benefit to you ratio DOES matter. This would be like if I walked 5 miles to Tim Hortons and back to buy you a coffee in case you didn't like the one you already had. Every day.

My first rage comic! Be nice.

This is clearly unreasonable. But this is exactly what it's like for a woman to worry about her clothes and feel bad and fear that she might "cause her brother to stumble", and by extension feel like something is wrong with the feminine way her body was made, and that she's not allowed to be beautiful. Huge cost, no apparent benefit.

(Decent guys out there- speak up if I've got this all wrong.)

3. What you wear should be about YOU

For all body types, there are some clothes that look really good for that body type. Women should go ahead and figure out what makes them look good and feel good, and wear that.  

As far as "modesty" is concerned, well, I guess don't show a ton of cleavage, and don't wear some super-tight catwoman suit, but other than that, don't worry about it. Seriously, don't worry about it. I personally don't care about modesty at all any more. As long as what you look like is within the realm of what people typically look like, it's fine.

The most important thing about what you wear should be that YOU like it. I want women to feel awesome about how they look. Wear clothes that make you happy. What you wear should be about you, it shouldn't be to please someone else, and it definitely shouldn't be to "help" boys with some vaguely-understood phantom problem that they might have.

(And I no longer have the patience to be super-extreme-conservative about a "problem" that I can never directly observe or understand.)

Also, one component of "what makes you feel good" is how other people perceive you. Yeah, it's true that people will give you a different amount of respect depending on what you wear. Ideally it wouldn't be that way, but whatever. Figure out how that makes you feel, and dress accordingly.  

Also don't try to "dress to get attention from guys" ON PURPOSE. But that's not the same thing as feeling awesome about yourself. Yes, I think feeling good because you look cute is somewhat related to being attractive to guys. But don't kill yourself trying to tease out and analyze your motives. (In other words, I don't require that the dot product of "I want to wear this because it's cute" and "I want boys to think I'm attractive" is 0.) You're fine. Looking awesome is awesome. Go ahead and be awesome.

Seriously. Yeah basically this is my stance on modesty: Don't worry about the boys. Just wear whatever makes you look and feel awesome. If you're not TRYING to manipulate boys by wearing revealing stuff, then I'm sure you're fine. Please, just don't worry about it. It's not fair for women to have that burden.

4. We absolutely DO NOT judge other women's clothing choices.

I can think of very very few situations in which it would be okay for one women to tell another that her clothes were too "immodest." Certainly it would only be okay between very very good friends- and even then, very rarely.

I'm not okay with the stories I hear about Christian camp counselors punishing/shaming girls for wearing a two-piece swimsuit. (For tall skinny people like me, one-piece swimsuits just DO NOT EXIST. I bet there are other body-types with that issue too.)

"Thank goodness- they've relaxed the requirements this year! I can bring a one-piece swimsuit, or a two-piece made of unicorn fur!" Image source.

And I'm not okay with girls making comments: "she needs to put some clothes on" referring to some stranger they see out in public. Even if it's a girl walking around in a bikini in the mall. Yes I know that does not fit my requirement above about being "in the realm of what people typically wear" but that doesn't matter. That's a guideline I've set for myself, not something I'd like to force everyone to follow. You don't know her- don't judge her.

I'm DEFINITELY not okay with making little comments about what someone wears to church. It's the freaking church! We need to accept people, not judge them. (You may have heard of someone named Jesus who advocated this...?) If someone comes to your church, and you say "wow I can't believe she's wearing a shirt like that" instead of saying "Hi, welcome to church", then you’re doing it wrong.

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So, that's my solution to modesty. This is meant to be advice for what to do as an individual woman- I haven't addressed how this shows some of the problems of society in general, I haven't offered a solution about what to teach young Christian girls (and boys) about modesty/lust/beauty. And I think different women may have different "solutions" than I do. That's fine. We can disagree about everything except point #4, about not judging people- I stand by that point.

Tell me what you think in the comments!

Modesty as she is taught

I especially want Christian men to read this, because every time I've tried to discuss "modesty" and all my confusion about it, the guys' response is along the lines of "what are you talking about?" I think Christian men don't know what Christian women are being taught about modesty, and if they did, they would think it was totally ridiculous. So here we go.

1. Men are visual.

What this apparently means is men tend to picture women naked. (Apparently gay men don't exist in this paradigm?) They can't help it. "That's how they're wired." (The first time I heard that, I thought it was a cool metaphor, because I'm an electrical engineer. By the thousandth time, I'd realized it's a way to say "this is just the way it is" without giving a real reason.) They see your bra strap sticking out and immediately a fantasy image of you being naked flashes (heh) in front of their eyes.

Is this true? To what extent does it go? Okay, I am not a straight guy. (If I see a bra, I don't think anything of it. That's a totally normal thing in my life- not sexual at all. But apparently my interpretation is wrong- I should be thinking of it the way a pervert does, duh.) I have ABSOLUTELY no way to directly observe whether this is true or not. Only straight guys can understand exactly how this bizarre phenomenon works. Also, I'm sure there is variation among the straight guys.

Oh, and also. If you are picturing me naked, I think that's creepy. I'm not okay with that.

But of course I can't attempt to understand this by actually having a conversation with a guy about it (well, I'd really need to talk to a bunch of guys to get a feel for how it works on average...) because that's super-awkward. No way I'm gonna have some guy tell me how this works in enough detail that I actually understand.

(The best I can do is read the comments on reddit... nope.)

So, we're starting out with a "problem" that I can never actually understand, and I'm responsible for helping the guys deal with this problem. Oh and I can't actually talk to them about it. Got it.

In other words, because guys think about sex all the time, I am assigned the chore of preemptively thinking about sex (haha just kidding, women don't want sex!) guessing what they are thinking about sex, in order to help them.

WAIT WAIT LET ME EDIT THAT. I am assigned the chore of preemptively guessing the creepy, perverted ways that boys might be objectifying and disrespecting me and my body. So I can attempt to prevent that.

And I would like to reiterate: I AM NOT A STRAIGHT GUY. Actually, all of the women who are taught this are, you know, by definition, not straight guys.

What could go wrong?

2. Women's bodies have power over men.

Yes, that's right. Men can't think straight (haha, straight) when they're picturing you naked. And lust is evil- we must do what we can to help keep our brothers from committing this terrible sin. Girls, you have the responsibility to save them from themselves!

Oh, and when they teach modesty, they always throw in the caveat that no, you are not responsible for a guy's thoughts. If he sins, that's his own fault. But you make it more difficult for him if you are "immodest." Shouldn't we help our brothers out as much as we can?

So much power. Boys apparently follow a girl around and give her attention if she's dressed "immodestly." I have actually never observed this phenomenon- is it real? Maybe that's because I'm generally oblivious to the people around me. Or maybe I don't have the right body-type for it to have all that "power"?

But anyway, the Christian women's groups told me my body had the potential to exert evil power over boys, and oh man, that sounds awesome. Yeah perfectnumber, you could be out there with this whole harem of guys, leading them on, they'd follow you around and want you (in a totally non-creepy way- this is my fantasy, I make the rules). I want boys to want me, I want them to serve me... that's my own personal temptation. That's not a good thing.

So you say I have this power, which I have never seen evidence of before, and which I would love to use for evil and manipulation if it did exist... Yep, this whole modesty thing seems pretty legit so far. -_-

3. And therefore, women must be careful about what they wear.

And maybe how they walk, and talk, etc. You can never be too careful. (Barf.)

Women, you know you have the freedom in Christ to wear what you want, and it's a guy's own fault if he lusts. But hey, Romans 14, don't use your freedom to cause your brother to stumble. Is it really worth it to wear that cute/sexy/whatever shirt, if it causes a brother to stumble?

So... in a practical sense, what do you want me to do?

Should I wear this

Image source.

or this

Image source.

I mean, the dress is cuter and I'd prefer that (heh, who am I kidding, I actually don't have a cute dress like that, but this is a thought experiment)... but... well, is it too low-cut in the front? And I can't guarantee that my bra straps will NEVER show. (Because PHYSICS. Not because I'm trying to "tempt" anyone.) Also, do you think it's too short? Are guys interested in my legs? Maybe? Who knows? Did I mention I'm not a straight guy? This might possibly "cause" someone to lust, I guess?

Perfectnumber, which do you care about more- doing the right thing or looking cute?

But...

Perfectnumber, didn't you commit your life 100% to Jesus? No matter what the cost, you obey him?

...Yes.

And he wants you to put others above yourself...

Okay, the dress is out.

How about that white t-shirt? Oh, actually, I don't know if that's okay either. Look how it doesn't come down far enough- you can see a tiny sliver of skin right at her waist. And you follow Jesus regardless of the cost, right? Right. Okay, you need to wear something under it. Cover up that skin.

And every time I have a tiny bit of uncertainty, I remember that I am ABSOLUTELY loyal to Jesus. If it comes at the cost of being cute, then that's my cross to bear.

But what if I'm doing all of this for nothing? What if it didn't actually matter to guys which one I wear? There's no way to get any feedback in this game.

And on the other hand, isn't it true that the more cute and beautiful and feminine I look, the more likely that a boy is going to lust? Why not going all the way to the extreme and wear an XXXL t-shirt, so my body won't look like a girl at all?

Why not go all the way to the extreme?

Why not go all the way to the extreme?

Why not go all the way to the extreme? There's a positive correlation between beauty and lust, right? Why not go all the way to the extreme?

Because me wanting to look awesome and beautiful pushes in one direction, and my concern for some mysterious problem that boys supposedly have pushes me in the other. It's godly to give up my rights in order to help other people, but is there anything godly about looking beautiful? Is it all just my selfishness that makes me not want to look like a tent?

They say God made beauty. Well he obviously did it wrong- we need to cover it all up before its evil power enslaves all the men.

 It's my cross to bear.  Image source.

Stay tuned for my answer to all this confusion, coming up in Friday's blog post.

edit: Here it is. Modesty: My Solution

We CANNOT say "everyone is beautiful"

Obviously there is a problem with self-image in our culture (particularly for women/girls).  The message is "you're not good enough because you don't look like this."  This is a lie and must be addressed, but I claim that the response "NO!  You ARE beautiful!  Everyone is beautiful!" is not right either.

Some of the particularly bad responses come in the form of images getting shared around Facebook:

Image source.

"When did this ... become hotter than this."

What this image is saying: "You know how everyone thinks super-skinny people are better than more average-sized people who have fat?  Actually, the average-sized people are better!  And by 'better' we mean 'more sexually attractive.'  Yay!"

Image source.

"Proof that you can be adored by thousands of men, even when your thighs touch."

What this image is saying: "Being beautiful is so important because it's all about getting men!  And even if you're not unreasonably skinny you still can!  Yay!"

Even when it's not presented badly like in those images, the message "Hey, all female members of the general public!  You are beautiful!" doesn't make sense.  It counters this line of reasoning:

1. Women only have worth if they're beautiful.
2. "Beautiful" means really skinny, white, etc etc- oh, and it's all about being physically/sexually attractive to men.
3. Therefore you're worthless if you don't look like that.

with this line of reasoning:

1. Women only have worth if they're beautiful.
2. "Beautiful" means... umm...
3. Screw it.  Everyone is beautiful!  Yay!

I hope you caught the obvious problem here.  Point #1 is what should be challenged.  And, on a related note, if you're going to claim that everyone is beautiful, you better be very clear about what your definition of "beautiful" is.

I remember as a teenager, reading a book written to Christian girls about how "the bible says God says you're beautiful" (which seemed to me like it was taking one obscure verse out of context and making a big deal out of it, but whatever) and as it went on and on about how apparently God thinks I'm beautiful, I seriously thought it was saying "you may feel lonely right now, but God says you have been made in such a way that somehow, someday, there will be a guy that's attracted to you."

Because I assumed "beautiful" meant "attractive to a boy."  And I wanted that so much.

The truth is that physical appearance isn't everything- and I wish we would say that instead of "everyone is beautiful."  Everyone looks like whatever they look like, and that's fine.  It doesn't have any bearing on whether your life has meaning and worth.

Instead of "everyone is beautiful," we could say everyone is valuable, or unique, or interesting.  (This works especially well with the Christian side of this issue- instead of saying "God thinks you're beautiful", how about we say "God thinks you're incredibly valuable and interesting and he'd never forget about you", because, you know, that's something THE BIBLE ACTUALLY SAYS.)

If that's what you meant when you claimed that "everyone is beautiful", well, I know your intentions are good but that's just not how language works.  The word "beautiful" is generally all about what something physically looks like.  Sure, there are a few cases where a story is "beautiful" or some really nice thing someone does is "beautiful", but that's not typically how the word "beautiful" is interpreted.

Seriously, if someone were to describe a woman to you and say "she's beautiful", how would you interpret that?  With the "everyone is beautiful" meaning of "beautiful"- which I guess means she's interesting and unique and worth getting to know?  No.  And I challenge you to come up with any other context in which "beautiful" means what it tries to mean in "everyone is beautiful."  Language just doesn't work that way.

Sorry, it's not true that "everyone is beautiful."  But guess what- that's totally fine.  Some people are more nice to look at than others, some people are more sexually attractive than others, etc- but none of that has any relevance to whether or not they have worth as a human being.  Every person in the world has a story, and the vast majority of them have done really interesting things I've never done.  Everyone (nearly everyone? trying to be accurate here) has people they love and goals/dreams that are important to them.

Why does it matter what they look like?

Or rather, why do people feel shame for what they look like?

So I claim that ideally, this is how it should be.  That everyone knows that your value is not at all related to your appearance.  But the connection between self-worth and physical appearance is so strong in this culture- it is completely not okay to say someone is old, or fat, or some other trait opposite to the typical image of what "beautiful" is- a comment like that is taken as a direct insult, as if it's something to be deeply ashamed of.  What do we do in a practical sense, to move people's thinking in the right direction?  I don't have an answer for that yet.

Also, I have not addressed the argument "beauty doesn't just mean abnormally skinny and whatever the stereotypical model looks like"- you see this argument in things like the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty.  Yes, it's totally true- a lot of women who do not look like "the stereotypical model" are nice to look at/ attractive to men/ whatever "beautiful" means.  But not everyone is, and as I already said, it doesn't have any relation to your worth as a person.

What do you think?  What did I miss?  This is a very complicated, nuanced issue.  Does our culture's definition of "beautiful" need to change?  Is it possible to separate self-worth from physical appearance?  How do we address this?

"You don't know you're beautiful"

I think this song is adorable.

"What Makes You Beautiful" by One Direction

But, now that I'm a feminist, I noticed a few things that could be interpreted as sending the wrong messages.  So let's take a look at the lyrics and see.

"You're insecure / Don't know what for"- Is it saying that women who have issues with how they perceive their own bodies should just get over it?  The whole "media tells women they're not good enough because they don't look like this" is all in your head?

I feel like, no.  He's just saying it doesn't make sense to him that she would be insecure.  No deep statements about culture and standards etc etc.  It's a compliment.

"Don't need make-up / To cover up / Being the way that you are is enough"- Is it saying that women shouldn't wear make-up, that they do it because they're insecure and they want attention from guys?

No, my answer to this one is no.  He just thinks she looks fine without make-up.  That's all.  He's not saying "you're wrong to be using make-up.  Oh, and I have the right to dictate what you should look like."

"You don't know you're beautiful / ... That's what makes you beautiful."- Is he saying he likes women that are insecure, and that confidence is unattractive?

No... you know how when you like someone, all of their little mannerisms are suddenly awesome to you?  Sounds like he really likes her, so whatever she does is cute.  If she acted more confident, he'd probably think that was cute too.

Basically the song is about how this boy feels like this girl is really awesome and beautiful.  It's just saying how he feels.  If it was trying to say "here, let me solve the body-image problem that's everywhere in our culture: You're beautiful.  Okay, so shut up about that insecurity stuff now" then we'd have problems.

If it was supposed to be directed at all girls instead of just one girl, then we might have problems.

There are a lot of boys out there that think girls are beautiful, and they should totally be allowed to say that.  ^_^  I don't expect them to understand the nuances of body-image problems that exist in our culture- so they better not think they can solve it.  (For example: Women care about their appearance for other reasons besides being attractive to men.)

But yeah, I don't think there are any problematic messages in this song.  I actually love this song and think it's adorable.  (Which is saying a lot, coming from me, because I have issues with how romance is portrayed in almost all popular songs.)  And the reason I like it is I want a cute boy to tell me I'm beautiful.  I could have said something that sounded more profound and philosophical, but nope, that's the reason I like it.  Psychoanalyze me if you like.

That's all I have to say.  If you were hoping for more of a rant, don't worry, in the future I'll totally be posting stuff about the bad messages about romance in songs, Disney movies, media, etc.