Wednesday, January 31, 2024

Blogaround

1. Reach, Throw, Row, Go (January 18) "A lesson in 'How to Save a Drowning Person' that started with an argument for Why You Should Want To Do That would meet with a kind of puzzled anger." It's about this: Feds demand Texas stop blocking Border Patrol agents access to border 

Also from The Slacktivist: We Don’t Live In ‘Bubbles’ (January 25) "Heck, if Chester A. Arthur had even said something so completely stupid in such an arrogant tone, then that’s all he’d be remembered for today. Historians would refer to President Arthur as 'the magnets guy' instead of just as, um, one of those guys who came between Grant and Teddy and probably won’t be on the final."

2. The Lives of China’s Hidden Workers, Through Their Own Camera Lens (January 25) "Instead, it is narrated by the people Sun calls the documentary’s 'co-directors,' from truck drivers and construction workers to fishermen and rice farmers — typical users of Kuaishou, which is more popular in China’s smaller cities and countryside than rival platform Douyin, the Chinese version of TikTok."

(One quibble there: Tiktok is the international version of Douyin. Not the other way around.)

Also from Sixth Tone: Endangered Xizang Cattle Cloned For the First Time (January 30) "The latest national survey of livestock found only 19 Zhangmu cattle and 39 Apeijiaza cattle left in the country, with just one breeding bull remaining. According to Xinhua, the breeds are considered strategic resources for the country due to their ability to live on the snowy plateau at altitudes of more than 3,500 meters."

3. China, Singapore agree visa-free deal for travel stays of up to 30 days (January 25) China keeps adding more countries to the list! Great news for people from Singapore who want to travel to China.

4. American Family Radio Drops Alistair Begg Following Controversial Remarks About LGBTQ+ Weddings (January 24) "After confirming that the woman’s grandson understood that she doesn’t affirm his choice to marry a trans person, Begg said, 'Well then, okay. As long as he knows that, then I suggest that you do go to the ceremony. And I suggest that you buy them a gift.'" Oh look, pastor Alistair Begg, who very much believes being trans is wrong, advises a grandma to go to her grandson's wedding to a trans person. Apparently this is not good enough for American Family Radio- what if someone thinks that attending the wedding means Grandma thinks being trans is okay? We can't have that!

Remember when I said that being evangelical means you have to throw queer people under the bus? This is exactly what I'm talking about.

5. Alabama man shook violently on gurney during first-ever nitrogen gas execution (January 27) [content note: death penalty]

6. From Scrooge McDuck to Zacchaeus to 21st century wealth inequality (January 29) "For far too long we’ve sequestered Zacchaeus inside a children’s song."

7. Brittany Watts, Ohio woman charged with felony after miscarriage at home, describes shock of her arrest (January 26) [content note: miscarriage] New details about how the hospital did not give her the medical care that she needed.

8. Uranus and Neptune are actually similar blues, 'true' color images reveal (January 5) Cool!

9. Red Lake considers a future without blood quantum (2023, via) "It's really not our traditional way. And in fact, it's a tool that was meant to divide our people to eliminate our people."

Saturday, January 27, 2024

The Great Sex Rescue: Transaction

Top image shows a lightsaber-like knife with text "This toasts bread while you're slicing it." Bottom image is the "Shut up and take my money" Futurama meme. Image source.

Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"

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We are now in chapter 9 of The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended [affiliate link], "Duty Sex Isn't Sexy." This post will cover the first part of chapter 9- pages 158 to 161. This section is about how it's not good to view sex in transactional terms. (And yes, I agree- in a loving, long-term relationship, it's not good to view sex in transactional terms.)

What does it mean to view sex as "transactional"? One example the book gives is the sitcom "WKRP in Cincinnati," where Lucille tells her husband, "Better mow the grass, Herbie, or no num-nums tonight." The idea is that women don't really *want* to have sex, but a woman is willing to do it for her husband if he does something that she wants (like housework).

"The Great Sex Rescue" says this:

Assigning a price for sex says, "I don't really want to do this. I see it as a means to an end-- a means to get what I really want, which is this behavior from you. So I will hold myself back from you until you give me what I want." This feels like a rejection-- I don't really want you; I only want what you can give me. It changes the nature of sex, and it ruins intimacy.

Yes, I agree with this. (Later in this post I will talk about how this gets more complicated if one partner is ace and genuinely doesn't want sex for the sex.) Typically, when people want sex, it's not just about wanting an orgasm- it's about wanting to have an intimate experience with someone they love. If their partner is going through the steps to give them an orgasm, but isn't enjoying it, well that's not really what they wanted. It "feels like a rejection."

The thing is, this transactional view of sex is EVERYWHERE in evangelical teaching on marriage. I've heard jokes in church about how a man should "help" his wife with the housework and then he'll be rewarded for it, wink wink nudge nudge you know what I mean you know what I mean. Married Christian women are told that they need to have sex because men "need" it- and there's no mention of the possibility of a woman liking sex. Just a lot of "look at how hard your husband works, he takes care of your needs [financially, opening jars, etc], now you should take care of his needs too." And teenage girls in purity culture are given lots of warnings about how you shouldn't have sex before marriage because as soon as the boy gets what he wants, he'll disappear, he won't be committed to you- you need to lock him down in marriage first before you give him sex. The girl wants a long-term commitment, and the boy wants sex, and marriage is the transaction they do to get those things. And then there's the idea that marriage is the solution for lust- it's telling men "you've worked so hard to avoid lust, now that you're married you can finally have sex with your wife as a reward, and you don't have to hold yourself back anymore" with no mention of, like, making sex a good experience for your wife.

Yeah, the transactional view of sex is EVERYWHERE in evangelical culture. So it's good that "The Great Sex Rescue" is pointing this out.

"The Great Sex Rescue" points out that there is a little bit of truth to the "if men help with housework, their wives will be more likely to want to have sex with them" idea. But it's not about "owing" each other; it's not about keeping track of who did what and who needs to repay the other spouse. It's about being a team. The kind of person who treats you as an equal, who recognizes that you both live there so you both need to do housework, who notices and cares about how much work you do- that's the kind of person that (typically) people want to have sex with.

Yes, I agree that if you're in a committed, loving, long-term relationship, sex should be something you both enjoy, not something you do because you "owe" your partner. (At the same time, though, I generally don't feel comfortable making statements about the way sex "should be." Everyone has their own priorities, and that's fine. As an example, for sex workers, sex is literally transactional, and that's not necessarily a bad thing.) But for aces, this is more complicated- I'll get to that later in the post.

One thing that I felt was a bit weird in this chapter of the book is the idea that the lower-desire partner has more power in the relationship. The book says, if Partner A has a higher desire for sex than Partner B, then Partner A is depending on Partner B to meet their sexual needs, and isn't allowed to get those needs met anywhere else, so Partner B has this power over Partner A, and could use it to manipulate them.

I mean, I guess that could be true? I can see how Partner A might see it that way. But I think most people in the "Partner B" role don't feel like they have power over their partner; they feel like they're being pressured into sex they don't want, and they can't necessarily say no because in marriage you have to have sex with your spouse, right? I don't think Partner B feels "powerful"; I think they feel vulnerable. 

If Partner B really could manipulate Partner A all the time and get away with it, then you could say Partner B has the power, but in reality that's not how it works. In reality, Partner B gets constantly told that she is not a good enough wife because she is not having enough sex, and she should be worried that Partner A will cheat on her, and it will be Partner B's fault, etc.

And isn't that what most of "The Great Sex Rescue" is about? I find it odd that this one part of the book says the lower-desire partner has the power in the relationship, because most of the book is about how the lower-desire partner is mistreated by the church (or rather, how women are assumed to not want sex, and told that a key part of marriage is having unwanted sex), and how wrong that is. Chapter 10 is an entire chapter about marital rape- how marital rape is a direct result of evangelical teachings on marriage.

So I'm not sure what to make of this section of chapter 9 which says the lower-desire partner has the power. I *guess* the higher-desire partner might feel that way, and I *guess* in the one specific context of "your spouse is not allowed to get their sexual needs met anywhere else, it HAS to be you" then the lower-desire partner has a bargaining chip, but overall, in reality, it doesn't really work out like that. More likely that both of them feel unhappy and powerless.

Okay, so that's basically what this first part of chapter 9 is about. Now let me tell you my asexual take on it.

The difficult thing here, for a relationship between an ace partner and an allosexual partner (ie, not asexual or asexual spectrum) is that the ace partner might actually not want sex. It might genuinely be true that the ace partner is not interested in sex for the sake of sex, but is willing to do it for "transactional" reasons. Willing to do it because they feel it's a requirement for maintaining the relationship, and they are getting a lot of benefits out of the relationship, so overall it's worth it.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with having sex for other reasons besides "I really like sex." I know there are aces in this kind of situation, and it's not necessarily a bad thing. It *might* be a bad thing. You should examine the specifics of your situation carefully, because it could be a bad thing, or it could be okay.

Here's the question that the ace partner should ask themself: "When I have sex with my partner, is the experience positive, neutral, or negative for me?" (I'm not talking about the categories sex-favorable/ sex-indifferent/ sex-repulsed because that's a different thing than what I'm trying to discuss here.) I mean it like this:

  • positive: "I want to have sex because I enjoy the actual sex itself"
  • neutral: "I don't really care if we have sex or not, it's fine if we do, it's fine if we don't"
  • negative: "There are some parts of sex that I actively dislike"/ "There are some parts of sex which I dread and I want them to be over as fast as possible"/ "This is painful but I love my partner so it's worth it"

(This "positive/neutral/negative" framing reminds me of how I don't love the concept of "enthusiastic consent"- people often define "enthusiastic consent" like it only counts as real consent if you're in the "positive" category I've made up here. This is not inclusive of aces, or anyone who consents to sex for reasons more complex than "I really want to have sex." See Siggy's post on that: I’m not enthusiastic about enthusiastic consent.)

In my experience, it can be difficult to even know one's own feelings. There was a period of time when I thought I felt neutral, but I actually felt negative. And I now see that if I had kept going on like that, it would not have been good for me long-term. (Fortunately, in my case, getting pregnant totally changed my whole entire perspective on sex. When I was pregnant and I felt horribly sick all the time, that was the first time in my life that I felt I had a "good enough reason" to say no to sex. [Or rather, for most of my life I definitely knew there was no way I would ever consent to sex, because I was "protecting my purity", not because I felt like I actually had a choice- but once I stopped "protecting my purity" I moved right into the "men need it" paradigm. So I still felt I didn't have much of a choice.] Pregnancy helped me get away from the "obligation" mindset. And then after I gave birth, I no longer had vaginismus, so PIV [penis-in-vagina] sex was not painful anymore and WOW THAT MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE.)

My advice is that if you feel that your experiences having sex with your partner are negative- if you feel like "I don't like this but I'm still choosing to do it because I get benefits from the relationship/ because I want my partner to be happy/ because I love my partner"- my advice is not to do this. My advice is to stop having bad sex. Even if you feel like "it's worth it because [whatever reason]", this is going to end up being really bad for you in the long term. 

And about the "neutral" category: I remember I talked to a married ace woman one time who said, "I don't mind having sex with my husband. It's a chore just like any other chore. It's fine." So, she is saying her feelings are neutral. It may be the case that her feelings truly are neutral. If so, that's fine. If she continues doing that long-term, I don't think it will be harmful for her (as long as she's getting benefits from the relationship in other ways).

But for me, years ago, I thought I felt neutral, but... I was actually in pain, from the vaginismus. And I thought "it's painful but it's worth it because I love my partner, and men need sex." No, don't do this. If the sex itself is actually a bad experience for you, then even if you are getting benefits from the relationship that outweigh that... I... no, don't do this. The belief that "love" means regularly subjecting yourself to something that hurts you, and your partner is experiencing pleasure because of your pain, and your partner wants it to be about intimate, loving connection but for you it's a sacrifice that you convince yourself is worth it, and you have to pretend to be happy about it... this is just really unhealthy in the long term.

So if the experience of sex is negative, then no, don't do that. If it's neutral, then that's fine- but the difficult thing is, what if you're deceiving yourself into thinking it's neutral, when it's actually negative? And if your experience of sex is positive, if you find yourself actually looking forward to it and desiring it, well that's the best-case scenario, good for you.

Also, if you want to have sex with your partner, but your experience of sex is negative or neutral, I recommend making changes so that your experience can be neutral or positive. Talk to your partner about what would need to be different in order to make it a better experience for you. Your partner has an obligation to care about that. Here are some examples:

  • If PIV [penis-in-vagina] sex is painful because you have vaginismus, then don't do PIV sex. Do other sex things that don't involve vaginal penetration.
  • If you feel neutral about sex, maybe there's something you and your partner could add to it, to make it positive instead of neutral. Maybe you want to cuddle more. Maybe you want your partner to constantly tell you that you're beautiful. Add things that change it from a neutral experience to a genuinely pleasurable experience (and the pleasurable aspects don't even have to be sexual in and of themselves).

(Disclaimer: I'm a sex-favorable asexual. For sex-repulsed aces, maybe this advice won't work. Please do leave a comment on this if you're sex-repulsed and have an opinion about it.)

And, I think, if your experience of sex is neutral and you're more or less doing it for "transactional" reasons, the important thing is it shouldn't feel like "my partner did something for me, so I will respond by having sex with them." Don't keep count of specific things and who owes what to whom. Instead it should be like, both of you always have an attitude of caring for each other and loving each other, and you genuinely want to do things to bring happiness to your partner. And see, this works exactly the same in both directions, because it's not specifically about sex. Whatever your partner enjoys, you do it for them. Maybe it's sex, maybe it's going to the library together, whatever it is, you do it for them. (Unless, like I said, it's a horrible experience for you.) Sex shouldn't be seen as more important than the things the lower-desire partner values.

There have been times in my marriage, when both me and my husband were under a lot of stress and I felt like my needs weren't being met (this was totally unrelated to sex) and that made me start to think in transactional terms, like "he's asking me to do something for him, I want to make him agree to do something for me, before I agree to this." That's a sign that there are problems in the relationship. In that situation, you have to honestly communicate with each other about how you feel and what you need, rather than playing games about who does what for whom. A relationship should be like, both of you are prioritizing each other's needs and happiness, to such an extent that you don't feel it's necessary to keep track of every little detail about who did what and who owes whom for it.

One more thing I want to showcase, from this section of "The Great Sex Rescue." I like the definitions presented in this diagram, from page 161:

Transaction, Obligation, and Coercion

Transaction: I did this, so you owe me.

Obligation: You owe me.

Coercion: You owe me, so I'm going to take what I want.

The first part of chapter 9 looked at transaction, the second part (which we'll look at in a later blog post) is about obligation, and then chapter 10 is on coercion and marital rape.

In summary: This section of "The Great Sex Rescue" is about how it's not healthy to view sex in transactional terms, like it's something a wife does for her husband as a reward for good behavior, or like a husband should do more housework in order to get his wife to have sex with him. I basically agree with this, but it's complicated in a relationship between an ace partner and allosexual partner.

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Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"

Related:

Reasons

Being Asexual in Pregnancy World 

Bucket List (a post about being a sex-favorable asexual)

Thursday, January 25, 2024

Blogaround

1. The Performative Sexuality of Matt Walsh (January 19) 8-minute video from Jessie Gender. "Okay, obviously on its face this is the funniest ****ing thing I've seen this man say, and I have seen this man say some really fun, dumb ****, amongst all the horrible horrific fascist nonsense that he says and [transmisic] bullshit."

2. This Cat Is NOT "Totally Normal"!! (January 20) 1-hour-37-minute sudoku solve video. Wow, this is amazing. "It's absolute nonsense and yet you can actually find a way through this!"

3. 7 Ways to Be An Ally to Autistic People (January 2) "Joking around and whatever is perfectly fine, but sometimes when I can’t figure out if people are being serious or just joking and ask for a quick clarification, they either refuse to answer or actively make my question part of the banter like it wasn’t meant to be serious.  Don’t do this to people, it’s rude."

4. Google promised to delete location data on abortion clinic visits. It didn’t, study says (January 17, via) "A year and a half has passed since Google first pledged to delete all location data on users’ visits to abortion clinics with minimal progress. The move would have made it harder for law enforcement to use that information to investigate or prosecute people seeking abortions in states where the procedure has been banned or otherwise limited. Now, a new study shows Google still retains location history data in 50% of cases."

5. What It's Like to Be Denied an Abortion in Your State (January 18, via) [content note: pregnancy loss] "I just could not believe it. It was already hard enough dealing with the fact that my baby wasn't going to make it. This was a wanted pregnancy; this was a planned pregnancy."

6. Tim Scott Quoted Fannie Lou Hamer At A Trump Rally And Now I Want To Punch My Fist Through A Wall (January 22) "At that time in Mississippi, if you registered to vote, your name and address ran in the paper for two weeks so the Ku Klux Klan and other white supremacists could terrorize you if you were Black."

7. Ohio pastor charged for housing the homeless in his church sues city in federal lawsuit (January 24)

8. The Biden Administration Is Ending Bank Overdraft Fees as We Know Them (January 18) "Under the new rule, overdraft fees at large banks will be limited to the service's cost–expected to be as low as $3 per incident. Currently, the typical consumer is charged $35 for each overdraft."

9. Focus on the Family's Scary Stance About Men Jailed for Domestic Violence (January 22) [content note: abuse, domestic violence] "Why is there no testimony from a man saying, 'I learned that trying to control my wife wasn’t okay'?"

10. Take a Hint! How Chinese Officials Are Subtly Promoting Having Children (January 24) "The challenge even prompted the China Family Planning Association — formed in 1980 to help implement the one-child policy — to seek the public’s help in formulating new propaganda slogans for the three-child policy in 2021." Oh yeah that's what we need, propaganda slogans. That'll do it. [/sarcasm]

I find it a bit goofy that this article is framed like "the Chinese government is promoting these images of families with 3 children, hoping it will convince people to have more kids" [my paraphrase, not an exact quote] which is, uh, how shall I put this, obviously ridiculous. Can you imagine any parent being like "well I have 1 child, and WOW childcare is expensive, but oh look here's a statue of a family with 3 children, I should totally have more kids!!!" LOLLLLLL.

It would make a lot more sense to frame it as "Because the one-child policy was in place for 30-some years, in Chinese culture it's now seen as 'normal' to only have 1 child (for example, the typical image of a family is a mom, dad, and 1 child). Now that China has changed to a 3-child policy, the government is trying to promote more images of families with 2-3 children, to show that this should also be seen as 'normal.'" Like not with the expectation that this is going to *convince* people to have more kids (lol what on earth), but simply as a way of helping people see that there can be different sizes of families and that's all fine.

11. Journal Club: Has Virginity Lost Its Virtue? (January 24) "Study 2 took data from a national survey to see how likely people were to consider a relationship with a virgin."

12. Raped, pregnant and in an abortion ban state? Researchers gauge how often it happens (January 24, via) [content note: rape statistics] "As an abortion provider in Montana, Dr. Samuel Dickman has seen patients routinely who tell him they became pregnant after a rape." This study estimates 64,000 pregnancies from rape in states where abortion is banned, since Roe v Wade was overturned.

13. Call for Submissions | February 2024 Carnival of Aros | The Meaning of “Romance” Across Time and Place (January 18) Good topic! I haven't written anything for the Carnival of Aros before, but I will probably write a post for this one, because I have some things to say about the differences in romantic traditions in Chinese and American culture.

Wednesday, January 24, 2024

Donating to Charity

Piggy bank. Image source.

Hi readers! It's January, and I do this thing where every January I write a blog post about setting up recurring donations. So here it is.

I personally have a good enough income that I feel I have a responsibility to give money to help people who need it. And I think this responsibility is something I should be deliberate about; I should have a plan, a goal. Not just wander through life and then when I see some charity ad that makes me sad, then I donate to that. No, it should be intentional. Figure out what your priorities are, and then donate your money in a way that reflects that. Research the actual things that different organizations are doing, and pick charities that are really making a difference.

And furthermore, I believe that as your income increases, the amount you donate should increase. But that's not just going to magically happen unless you plan it. So my suggestion is every year in January, set a goal about how much money you want to donate that year, then think about which issues are the most important to you, find charities which are working in those areas and doing good work, and set up monthly automatic donations to those charities. Automatic monthly donations are great because then you're still donating even if you don't have time to think about it.

And then the next year in January, maybe you'll be able to increase your donation amounts! If your salary has increased during the year, then you should increase your donations too.

For me personally, immigration is the issue I care most about. I am an immigrant in China, and so I want to help other immigrants and refugees. One organization I donate to is RAICES. (And there are other issues and charities I also donate to; I'm just giving 1 example here.)

So if you have a good enough income, I encourage you to do this! The more money you have, the more you should donate, but that won't happen unless you actually make a plan and then do it.

Saturday, January 20, 2024

Blogaround

1. It’s Year-end Party Season For Chinese Companies — Do Workers Like Them? (January 15) Ha. Yeah, so this is a thing in China. Every company has a big party for Chinese New Year. Lots of fancy food, dance performances, "lucky draw" prizes, managers giving speeches about how great the company is, going around to everyone else's table to drink with them, it drags on and on for hours...

I remember at my first job in China, another international employee astutely asked, "Why do parties always need to have performances?" Why indeed.

At my current job, we have annual parties which are a lot more casual than that, and I really like that. Just rent a party room and hang out and eat, some people can play mah jong or do karaoke if they want, and maybe win "lucky draw" prizes, and that's it.

Also from Sixth Tone: For China’s Plus-Size Women, Going Out Is a Daily Struggle (January 19)

2. There’s A Version of A Christmas Carol Where Scrooge is an Attempted Rapist (December 27) "The tremendous irony is that this adaptation adds so much darkness and evil to the Scrooge story but does not add more meaning. A worse Scrooge does not produce greater redemption – it produces less."

Also from Dr. Laura Robinson: How Much Exodus is Too Much Exodus? The Prince of Egypt and The Ten Commandments (December 31) It's an analysis which compares the movies "The Prince of Egypt" and "The Ten Commandments." Oh I am so here for this.

3. Wheaton College restricts employees’ ability to state preferred pronouns (January 10, via) This is just ridiculous. What if your name is Alex or Sam or something? Also, using a trans person's correct name and pronouns is BARE MINIMUM level of human decency.

4. Michigan’s new anti-poverty effort: $7,500 for Flint moms, no strings attached (August 1) "Beginning in January, Flint moms will receive up to $7,500 to help boost their infant’s footing in the first year of life — a one-time $1,500 payment in mid-pregnancy, followed by $500 per month for the first year of a child’s life." Great news!

5. China to grant Ireland unilateral visa-free treatment (January 17) and Swiss travellers to be allowed to enter China visa-free (January 16)

I tried to find a source from a more well-known western news outlet, but I only found this one from Bloomberg and it's paywalled: China Has Scrapped Visa Requirements for 11 Nations in Past Year (January 18)

Very interesting! China is very intentionally trying to improve relations with other countries, and encourage tourism. This is good news, from my perspective as an immigrant in China, but also I'm American so none of these new policies actually apply to me directly.

6. A few articles on Biden not taking a stand against genocide in Gaza:

Why is Biden engaging in disinformation on Gaza? (January 10) [content note: infant death]

Joe Biden Wants You To Believe He Is Opposed To Genocide In Gaza (January 17) "But his statement, which emphasized the Israeli deaths on October 7 and the hostages who remain in Hamas’s custody, made no mention of the 10,000 dead Palestinian children and what they never should have gone through."

US Democrats push Biden administration over civilian toll in Israel's Gaza campaign (January 20)

7. Enforcing the Law to Disqualify a Violent Insurrectionist Is Good, Actually (January 16) "Even if you wish really hard, Clarence Thomas is not going to recuse himself from this case; Donald Trump is not going to stop claiming everything is rigged because the liberal justices joined an unanimous opinion; and Senate Democrats are not going to betray every single warning they’ve raised about Trump being a threat to democracy for the past eight years to give him a special exemption from the Constitution’s insurrection ban. Donald Trump exists in the real world, not a law school exam hypothetical, and strategies for opposing him need to be rooted in reality."

Also on that topic: Catching up on Donald Trump (January 8) "But whether or not the Constitution bans him from holding office again is a question of law, not politics. The whole point of including things in the Constitution is to take them out of politics. If constitutional provisions are subject to politics, then all the rights the Constitution supposedly gives us are up for grabs. Your right to do any particular thing will depend not on the Constitution, but on whether your action is politically popular."

8. In Juneau, Alaska, a carbon offset project that’s actually working (January 4) "In an effort to mitigate a portion of that CO2, some of those going whale watching or visiting the glacier are asked to pay a few dollars to counter their emissions. The money goes to the Alaska Carbon Reduction Fund, but instead of buying credits from some distant (and questionable) offset project, the nonprofit spends that cash installing heat pumps, targeting residents like Roberts who rely upon oil heating systems."

Thursday, January 18, 2024

"When Helping Hurts" (I wanted to like this book but it didn't work out)

Book cover for "When Helping Hurts", 2014 edition. (This is not the one I have- the one I have is the 2012 edition.)

So I started reading the book When Helping Hurts: How to Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting the Poor . . . and Yourself [affiliate link], by Steve Corbett and Brian Fikkert. (I have the 2012 edition.) And... I read about one third of it, and decided I'm going to stop there. And I want to just blog about my reaction to this book real quick.

What I was expecting

So, I first heard about this book back when I was in college- and I was very evangelical. I knew this was an evangelical book.

Since the title is "When Helping Hurts" and it's about charity, I assumed it would be anecdotes about how rich Americans sent a bunch of stuff to some overseas tsunami victims, and it was stuff the recipients didn't need, so it was all a waste and the recipients had to deal with the problem of how to dispose of it. Or about how rich Americans make genuine sacrifices to do these things, and therefore there's an emotional component to it, which makes us unwilling to objectively evaluate if the results were actually beneficial or not. Things like that. 

I feel like... I don't really have a good perspective on what my approach should be for giving to charity- from an ethical standpoint, and as a Christian. I mean, John the Baptist said that anyone who has 2 coats should give 1 away. Does anybody do that? Can anybody do that? I really want to have a better framework for thinking about this- but also, maybe that's just impossible because no matter what I do (even moving to China), I'm complicit in the massive economic inequality in this world. But anyway, I shouldn't just be paralyzed by lack of certainty and do nothing- and so, a few years ago I picked some charities and set up automatic monthly donations to them. That's my current approach, and that's what I recommend to people who have a high enough income that they have a responsibility to give some of it away.

Anyway, yeah I knew this book is coming from an evangelical perspective, so there would be parts I wouldn't agree with, but I thought it would be good to see what it has to say. Especially since it's a book I had heard mentioned many times in evangelical spaces.

Okay let's get into what the book says, and my reactions to it.

The preface

The preface of the book is good. Basically it says this book is about how to help without hurting. ie, it's not just "here's all the ways that charity can go wrong" but it's about how to actually do it right. Great! The authors recommend that churches use this book for small group discussions, and every chapter has discussion questions.

In the preface, there are discussion questions about how your church would go about planning a trip to Indonesia to help tsunami victims. You can discuss it in groups and write down your plans, and in a later chapter you'll revisit the plans. I mean, personally, my take on this is, maybe don't plan a trip to Indonesia? Probably not worth it to spend so much money on plane tickets to get your untrained volunteers to go there and, uh, do what exactly? Before you make any plans, you should talk to people who are actually there about what they actually need and what would actually be helpful.

I'm guessing that's the direction the book's going to go with it. But I gave up on this book 1/3 of the way through, so I guess I'll never know. But anyway, I felt like the book was off to a good start here.

The introduction- a story about a "witch doctor"

In the "Introduction" section of the book, there's a story from one of the authors, about when he was in Uganda teaching classes for refugees about small businesses, at a church. The curriculum he used was "biblically based," ie, I guess this is about telling people they have to be Christians, and also giving them training about running a small business.

One person in the class, Grace, says that she is a witch doctor, but she decided to quit that and follow Jesus instead. The local church leader, Elizabeth, tells Grace to bring all her witch-doctoring herbs and burn them right there in the church, and Grace does this. Later, as Grace continues attending the classes, she seems to have changed for the better since becoming a Christian (and this is a big sacrifice for her, because she was making a lot of money as a witch doctor selling questionable products to women to get their husbands to not cheat on them). But then Grace gets sick- and the author of the book talks about how he went to her home to find her, and the appalling conditions she lived in- and he saved her life by buying her penicillin. So, overall it felt like a happy ending, but later the author had some feelings about whether he had actually done more harm than good toward the refugees he was teaching in that class.

As I was reading this, I had 2 main thoughts:

  1. Is "witch doctor" the right term here? I'm thinking it's probably not. "Witch doctor" sounds like the kind of incredibly skewed and biased term that an evangelical would use, to make this sound very negative and bad. Perhaps there's a whole religious system, with meaningful culture around it, and perhaps it serves some beneficial function in their society. I personally don't know, but using the term "witch doctor" just reduces it to a one-dimensional "this is obviously bad" sort of thing.
  2. This story assumes that it's self-evidently a good thing that Grace decides to not be a "witch doctor" anymore and be a Christian instead. (Also, very manipulative of Elizabeth to tell Grace to burn up all her herbs immediately. Not cool!) Okay, well, I understand this book is coming from an evangelical perspective, I understand that evangelicals think everyone should convert to Christianity, I understand that evangelicals see that as so self-evidently true that they wouldn't even think to question it. So I'm reading this, and thinking, "well, maybe the authors just never even thought about how they have this unquestioned assumption that everyone should convert to Christianity. But as long as that's not something the book focuses on and consciously tries to argue for, I'll let it slide."

(Unfortunately, later the book focused on and argued for that...)

Chapter 1 has some very good things to say about Jesus (but also some red flags)

Chapter 1 starts out with these discussion questions:

  1. Why did Jesus come to earth?
  2. For what specific sin(s) was Old Testament Israel sent into captivity? Do not just say "disobedience." Be specific. For example: "The Israelites were constantly robbing banks."
  3. What is the primary task of the church?

Yes! Love this! These are questions that ABSOLUTELY need to be addressed when trying to talk to evangelicals about poverty. I'm really happy with how the book handles this section. 

See, evangelicals would answer the question "Why did Jesus come to earth?" with something like "to die for our sins so we can go to heaven." Like all the things Jesus did during his life don't matter, it's all about the crucifixion. (Also, in this ideology, the Resurrection may or may not matter- which is BONKERS.) 

This is a big deal to me, because my answer to these questions has changed SO MUCH, now that I'm not evangelical. I now believe Jesus came to bring the kingdom of heaven to earth- and that means we need to work on bringing the kingdom of heaven to earth. We need to fight for justice, for equality, for a world where everyone is able to live a flourishing life, each as a unique and amazing person created in the image of God.

And yes, the book agrees with me on that. It cites chapter and verse, about how Jesus came to "preach good news to the poor" and "proclaim freedom for the prisoners", and how "in him all things hold together." It's not about the abstract far-away idea of going to heaven when you die; it's about renewing this world we live in right now.

Love that!

And yeah, I know a lot of evangelicals would be very resistant to this idea, because it sounds like "watering down the gospel" or it sounds "liberal" or it sounds like "putting too much emphasis on social justice instead of the gospel." That's why it's SO IMPORTANT that the book makes a case for this, right here in chapter 1. This part is very well done. It's absolutely necessary to challenge this evangelical idea, that all that matters is getting people into heaven. This is definitely a very major obstacle in getting evangelicals to care about people in poverty.

Next, there's an anecdote about a pastor named Reverend Marsh, who lived in the South during the Civil Rights Movement. He believed the KKK was bad, and racism was bad, but he never talked about it in his sermons. (I conclude that he must be white...) Those were political questions, and he thought the church should only preach on the personal, spiritual aspects of people's lives. (The book portrays this as being very wrong.)

Instead of speaking out against actual lynchings that were happening, Reverend Marsh preached a sermon called "The Sorrow of Selma," which was about "the lack of personal piety and unbelief of some of the civil rights workers."

The book says this:

In one sense, Reverend Marsh was right. Many of the civil rights protestors longed for the peace, justice, and righteousness of the kingdom, but they did not want to bend the knee to the King Himself, which is a prerequisite for enjoying the full benefits of the kingdom. In contrast, Reverend Marsh embraced King Jesus, but he did not understand the fullness of Christ's kingdom and its implications for the injustices in his community. Both Reverend Marsh and the civil rights workers were wrong, but in different ways. Reverend Marsh sought the King without the kingdom. The civil rights workers sought the kingdom without the King. The church needs a Christ-centered, fully orbed, kingdom perspective to correctly answer the question, "What would Jesus do?"

Umm.

Uh.

Umm.

Really not comfortable with how this is framing it like both Reverend Marsh and the civil rights workers were equally wrong. See, Reverend Marsh had the correct religious beliefs, but he didn't actually do anything about racism, and the civil rights protestors didn't have the correct religious beliefs, but they fought for justice, so, see, both had it partly right and partly wrong. Uh. Umm. (Just gonna drop the parable of the sheep and the goats here- Jesus pretty clearly takes a side on the question of whether it's more important to have the correct religious beliefs or to do actual things that help people, and it's NOT the side that "When Helping Hurts" takes!)

But, as I was reading this, I thought, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt... maybe they didn't really mean both of these things were equally bad. Maybe they meant like... like if someone has different religious beliefs than I do, then of course I am of the opinion that they are wrong about those religious beliefs. It's just objectively true that I disagree with them. Maybe the authors just meant that they disagree with people who have different religious beliefs than they do, but they weren't necessarily saying those differences in religious beliefs are important.

(But, unfortunately, later the book makes it clear that those religious beliefs are dealbreakers...)

The next weird bit is when the book is talking about how the early church cared for the poor. This is in contrast with the pagan culture of the Roman Empire:

[Sociologist Rodney] Stark explains that the Christian concept of self-sacrificial love of others, emanating from God's love for them, was a revolutionary concept to the pagan mind, which viewed the extension of mercy as an emotional act to be avoided by rational people. Hence, paganism provided no ethical foundation to justify caring for the sick and destitute who were being trampled by the teeming urban masses.

WHAT.

What. What the what.

Christians were the first ones to come up with the idea of helping poor people? Really? They expect their readers to buy that? "Paganism" just couldn't comprehend the idea of caring about poor people?

Seriously?

This is a very one-dimensional, oversimplified view of the pagan worldview in the Roman Empire. (Like, I don't even know anything about paganism in the Roman Empire, but I know it must be more nuanced than that.) Really these authors should stop trying to make statements about other religions- they're just embarrassing themselves.

(Unfortunately, they did *not* stop making statements about other religions...)

Continuing on. This chapter has a lot of really good stuff to say about how evangelicals wrongly believe they don't have a responsibility to care about the world. Yes, lots of very good stuff, which evangelicals really need to hear. Makes me want to say "I definitely recommend this book to evangelicals" but ... well... the Christian-supremacist stuff gets so much worse, so, I don't.

Chapter 2 is about what poverty really is

I like how chapter 2 starts. The discussion question is "What is poverty? Make a list of words that come to your mind when you think of poverty." Next, it has some quotes from "Voices of the Poor," a project in the 1990s where actual poor people around the world were asked for their views on what poverty is. A lot of these quotes are about feeling helpless, feeling shame, feeling inferior, being dependent on other people. It's not just about not having material things; it's about being trapped in a situation where you can't control your own life, you can't make your own choices, you can't live the life you want to live.

I think this is an important exercise- contrasting the reality of poverty with what well-off Americans *think* poverty is.

The book says that, when you want to help poor people, it's very important that you understand what their real needs are, rather than acting on what you *think* their needs are. Otherwise, the "help" you give them won't help. Yes! Very much agree with this.

But I don't feel good about this example:

Similarly, consider the familiar case of the person who comes to your church asking for help with paying an electric bill. On the surface, it appears that this person's problem is the last row of table 2.1, a lack of material resources, and many churches respond by giving this person enough money to pay the electric bill. But what if this person's fundamental problem is not having the self-discipline to keep a stable job? Simply giving this person money is treating the symptoms rather than the underlying disease and will enable him to continue with his lack of self-discipline. In this case, the gift of money does more harm than good, and it would be better not to do anything at all than to give this handout. Really! Instead, a better-- and far more costly-- solution would be for your church to develop a relationship with this person, a relationship that says, "We are here to walk with you and to help you use your gifts and abilities to avoid being in this situation in the future. Let us into your life and let us work with you to determine the reason you are in this predicament."

I'm reading this, feeling really uneasy about how it veers extremely close to conservative Republican talking points about how those lazy people need to just take responsibility and get a job, and therefore we shouldn't do anything to help them.

But, I thought, maybe the authors don't realize that it's going to read that way to their Republican readers. Just taking this section at face value, it may indeed be true that there are some situations where a person is capable of getting a job, but they don't want to, and they need a little push to get them to actually do it. (Republican folklore says that's the situation for *most* people on welfare, and that's just NOT true- but okay, maybe it is true occasionally, so, okay, this example from the book isn't necessarily bad...)

I'm just... really really suspicious of people (evangelicals, Republicans, etc) saying "oh these people are asking for money, but actually that's not the right way to help them, the right way to help them is [some other thing that we're also not going to lift a finger to do]." It's just a way to sit around feeling superior for having the "correct" opinion about what poor people really need, without doing anything that actually helps.

But I thought, maybe the authors don't realize this is coming across that way. I'll just let it slide.

Then the authors lay out their "biblical framework" of what poverty is. They say that when God created the world, humans were made to have good relationships in the following 4 areas:

  1. Relationship with God
  2. Relationship with self
  3. Relationship with others
  4. Relationship with the rest of creation

But, because of the Fall (Adam and Eve's sin), all 4 of these relationships are broken. All of us have "poverty" in these 4 areas of life. (For example, "poverty" in one's relationship with God would be something like, not believing God exists. "Poverty" in the area of relationship with self would be low self-esteem, or, alternatively, having a God-complex and feeling like you're superior to the poor people you're trying to help. And so on.)

The authors use the word "poverty" here, to describe the situation that all people are in- but they also say that material poverty is a whole different thing. Like, we all experience "poverty", so you shouldn't act like you're better than anyone else- but also, if you haven't experienced material poverty, then you don't know what it's like, it's so much worse.

I don't really think it's useful to define "poverty" in this way. It muddies up the definition. But okay, whatever, let's keep reading.

Then there's this equation:

Material Definition of Poverty
+
God-complexes of Materially Non-Poor
+
Feelings of Inferiority of Materially Poor
=
Harm to Both Materially Poor and Non-Poor

And also a few anecdotes to show how "poverty" in the 4 different relationship types can all come together to make it more difficult for the "materially poor" to improve their lives.

Yeah, this "equation" makes sense, and I think it's useful that the book presents it like this. If rich people think the problem is simply "they don't have [thing], so let's give them [thing]" then it's quite possible that the rich people don't realize how they're coming across (ie, treating poor people like they don't know anything, can't do anything for themselves, etc)- and this can do more harm than good.

Chapter 3 is where I noped out of this book

Chapter 3 starts out with this anecdote:

During the 1990s, Alisa Collins and her children lived in one of America's most dangerous public housing projects in inner-city Chicago. Alisa had become pregnant at the age of sixteen, had dropped out of high school, and had started collecting welfare checks. She had five children from three different fathers, none of whom helped with child rearing. With few skills, no husband, and limited social networks, Alisa struggled to raise her family in an environment characterized by widespread substance abuse, failing schools, high rates of unemployment, rampant violence, teenage pregnancy, and an absence of role models. 

From time to time, Alisa tried to get a job, but a number of obstacles prevented her from finding and keeping regular work. First, there were simply not a lot of decent-paying jobs for high school dropouts living in ghettos. Second, the welfare system penalized Alisa for earning money, taking away benefits for every dollar she earned and for every asset she acquired. Third, Alisa found government vocational training and jobs assistance programs to be confusing and staffed by condescending bureaucrats. Fourth, Alisa had child-care issues that made it difficult to keep a job. Finally, Alisa felt inferior and inadequate. When she tried to get vocational training or a job and faced some obstacle, she quickly lost confidence and rapidly retreated into her comfort zone of public housing and welfare checks. Alisa felt trapped, and she and her family often talked about how they couldn't "get out" of the ghetto.

So, in the first paragraph, the "started collecting welfare checks" was a bit suspect to me because, again, it veers uncomfortably close to Republican mythology about how "those lazy inner-city [black] people are freeloaders living easy lives on welfare." I quoted two whole paragraphs here to show you that overall, this anecdote is not like that- I think the second paragraph is very fair, showing that getting out of poverty is much more difficult than the simplistic Republican mythology of "they need to just get a job." The authors clearly show that there are a LOT of factors trapping Alisa in a system of poverty, and that churches have a responsibility to help people like her.

This chapter of the book also makes it clear that poverty is partly about individual choices, and partly about systems that are stacked against people. It's very good that the book is talking about this! Evangelicals are likely to buy into the idea that if people just worked harder and stopped being lazy, they could pull themselves up by their bootstraps, etc. Evangelicals are likely to not believe in any kind of systemic injustice, taking away people's opportunities and setting them up to fail. It's very good that the book is explicitly pointing out the ways that systems trap people in poverty.

Then the authors start talking again about healing the 4 key relationships, and how, to put it bluntly, you have to be a Christian or else it doesn't work:

Ultimately, the profound reconciliation of the key relationships that comprise poverty alleviation cannot be done without people accepting Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Yes, people can experience some degree of healing in their relationships without becoming Christians. For example, although it is typically more difficult, unbelievers can often stop drinking, become more loving spouses, and improve as employees without becoming Christians. And as these things happen for unbelievers, they are more likely to earn sufficient material things. However, none of the foundational relationships can experience fundamental and lasting change without a person becoming a new creature in Christ Jesus. Furthermore, simply having sufficient material things is not the same as "poverty alleviation" as we defined it above. We want people to fulfill their calling "to glorify God and enjoy Him forever" in their work and in all that they do. Again, this requires that people accept and experience Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

What the actual ****.

"although it is typically more difficult"- what on earth?

And then saying that if people improve their lives so they are no longer poor, but they don't become Christians, it doesn't really count as "poverty alleviation"- WHAT?

This right here, this is called Christian supremacy. The idea that only Christians can live life the correct way, and everyone else is automatically living inferior lives because they don't know Jesus or whatever. This idea is EVERYWHERE in evangelicalism- you can't have a good marriage if it's not centered on Jesus, you can't live a meaningful life without Jesus, everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart, etc. (And full disclosure, I definitely believed it when I was evangelical. I had no idea how offensive it was, because evangelicals view it as a completely normal thing to believe.) This idea is EVERYWHERE, and it's WRONG. It's WRONG. I want to be very clear here, this is WRONG.

Let me be very clear about what I believe: I am a Christian. I believe that all people are made in the image of God- our creativity, ambition, compassion, conscience, all of that comes from God. And God made this world- all of the potential this world has for good things, for growth, for enjoying your life, for finding meaning and joy, all of that is from God. All of it is from God, and is accessible to people regardless of whether they agree with me about it being from God. Regardless of their religious beliefs (or lack thereof).

I believe those things are from God, but if other people don't believe that, I won't argue with them about it. It's fine if people don't believe the same religious things as I do. Whatever. Okay, so we disagree about it, but so what? What actually matters is how you live, how you treat other people.

(And also, my husband is not a Christian, so this is personal. When Christians say non-Christians just can't be as good as Christians- this is personal to me.)

Okay... so... moving along with the book. Basically, I want to share 3 anecdotes from chapter 3 which show how incredibly Christian-supremacist this book is, and made me decide to just quit reading it. Each of these anecdotes is about how, when you help poor people, if you're not also getting them to convert to Christianity, you're "hurting" rather than helping.

Anecdote 1: Pachamama and the llama fetuses

A Christian relief and development agency attempted to improve crop yields for poor farmers in Bolivia's Alto Plano. Although successful in increasing output, the impact on the farmers' incomes was far less than hoped because of the farmers' deep reverence for Pachamama, the mother earth goddess who presides over planting and harvesting. Seeking Pachamama's favor, farmers purchased llama fetuses, a symbol of life and abundance, to bury in their fields before planting. At the time of the harvest, the farmers held a festival to thank Pachamama. The larger the harvest, the larger the celebration was. In fact, a large percentage of the farmers' income was being spent on the fetuses and on the harvest festival, thereby contributing to the farmers' material poverty. Furthermore, by increasing agricultural output without worldview transformation, the development agency realized it was actually adding to these farmers' idolatry, as the farmers were giving increasing levels of praise to Pachamama for her benevolence.

Okay, this sounds to me like a case where the relief agency didn't get the results they expected because there were some key things they didn't know about the culture and society of the people they were trying to help. They didn't know that even if the "science" part succeeds- ie, even if the agricultural output is increased- it doesn't necessarily cause an increase in the farmers' incomes in a straightforward way, because of these societal/religious factors about what the farmers would then spend the money on. 

This sounds like the relief agency failed to do their research. They should have talked to someone familiar with the culture, who could address questions like "What would success look like for this program? What kind of outcome would have the most meaningful impact on people's lives?" and so on.

The book is framing it like the problem is the Bolivian farmers' religious beliefs, and the relief agency should have, I don't know, manipulated them into converting to Christianity??? 

Wait, wasn't there a whole section earlier in the book about how sometimes your perspective on people's needs and problems is actually wrong, and it will cause you to act in ways that don't really help them? And now the authors are saying what these farmers actually need is to become Christians- where are they getting that from? Just because that's what evangelicals believe about EVERYONE, not because there's any practical evidence for it. Kind of sounds like a case of COMPLETELY MISJUDGING OTHER PEOPLE'S NEEDS and then DOING MORE HARM THAN GOOD.

When I read that part earlier about having misconceptions about poor people's needs, I really thought what they meant was "this is why you need to actually listen to them, before trying to help." But maybe they meant it like... "as Christians, we KNOW what everyone's needs are- they need to have the correct beliefs about Jesus, that's the most important thing."

Ugh.

Also, the thing about the llama fetuses... Perhaps this is a case where the local religious leaders are manipulating the farmers for their own financial gain. Maybe they're jacking up the price of llama fetuses, and pressuring people to buy them. This sounds like it could be an unhealthy power dynamic- and you can find this kind of unhealthy power dynamic everywhere. It doesn't necessarily have to have any connection to religion.

But also, I can very easily imagine an alternative anecdote that would go something like this:

We tried to help these poor Americans, but it turns out that they are Christians, and they watch televangelists on TV, and these televangelists say "you have to give money to me, so God will bless you- the more money you give me, the more God will give you!" So even though we were able to increase people's incomes, it didn't actually help them, because they just gave the extra money to televangelists. See, this is why it's so important to get people to stop being Christians. Otherwise there's just no way you can help them.

Is this not the EXACT SAME THING that the book is saying about the Bolivian farmers' religion?

Yeah, I know at this point, evangelicals would take issue with me equating "Christianity" with "donating to televangelists." Someone will argue, "Hey, I'm a Christian, and I disagree with televangelists. I DON'T think people should give money to them. The people in your anecdote don't need to stop being Christians, they just need to learn that being a Christian doesn't mean you have to give money to predatory leaders."

Oh, so you're saying Christianity is a whole diverse religion, that has some predatory leaders but also has a lot of good in it? Don't you think the same thing could be true of the Pachamama religion?

Ugh. Anyway. On to anecdote 2.

Anecdote 2: Non-Christians don't know how to not let rats eat their food

For example, the Pokomchi Indians are some of the poorest people in Guatemala. Through the efforts of missionaries, many of the Pokomchi converted to Christianity. Unfortunately, the missionaries failed to communicate a biblical worldview concerning human stewardship over the rest of creation; hence, the Pokomchi continued in their fatalism, literally just waiting to die in order to be delivered from the horrors of this life. Over the years, a number of development organizations tried to help the Pokomchi by building schools and latrines for them, but these largely went unused.

Arturo Cuba, a pastor and community development worker, decided to confront the worldview that lay at the foundation of the Pokomchi culture. Arturo noticed that the Pokomchi failed to use adequate crop storage facilities, allowing rats to eat the harvest and contributing to widespread malnutrition. Artuo [sic] asked the Pokomchi farmers, "Who is smarter, you or the rats? Do you have dominion over the rats, or do the rats have dominion over your lives?" The farmers admitted that they were allowing the rats to get the best of them. Arturo then explained the biblical worldview that humans are created to have dominion over the rest of creation. As the Pokomchi began to embrace the biblical worldview, dramatic changes took place: better food storage facilities were created, children went to school, women learned to read, and the men adopted improved agricultural techniques.

Uh. Yeah I don't buy this.

The part about "schools and latrines" that "largely went unused" makes me think this is a problem where people building these things to "help" the Pokomchi Indians didn't talk to them first to find out what would actually be helpful. Very not cool how the book is blaming it on the Pokomchi "worldview" rather than outsiders' ignorance about what their actual needs were.

Also, yeah it is possible that there is a really pessimistic idea that's widespread in a certain culture, which stops people from trying to do anything to improve their lives. Sure, that can happen. (I could give a lot of examples from evangelicalism! Like, let's not do anything about climate change, because the bible says Jesus is coming back soon anyway so it doesn't matter.) I very much do NOT think the answer is "they need the bible." You need to talk to someone who knows that culture, to find out what can be done about it. Probably there's some reason behind this "fatalistic" worldview- maybe the Pokomchi have tried to change things before, but it never did any good. You need to do your research and find out what kind of thing would actually be able to create change, to inspire people to believe that they can improve their lives.

(Hey readers: If any of you are non-Christians, and also you don't let rats eat your food, you are welcome to leave a comment and explain how you figured that out without using the bible. Apparently it's a real tough one!)

The book presents it like, "oh the rats are eating our food" and then some Christian comes along and says "well the bible says you can stop the rats from eating your food" and then they're like "oh my goodness we never thought of that."

Come on.

Anecdote 3: Jobs training needs Jesus

For example, I once served on the board of an inner-city ministry that serves an African-American population. We applied for federal funds to pay for part of our jobs preparedness training program for unemployed people. As part of this program, our ministry was very committed to using a curriculum that communicated a biblical worldview concerning work, including the need for Jesus Christ to restore us to being productive workers. 

The government's grant administrator, who happened to be a Christian, informed us that the law prohibited us from using the government's money to cover the costs of such an explicitly gospel-focused curriculum. He was doing his job in informing us of this law. No problem with that. However, he then said, "Brian, just remove the explicitly Christian material from the lessons. You can teach the same values that you want to teach-- responsibility, punctuality, respect, hard work, discipline, etc-- without articulating their biblical basis. These values work whether people see them as coming from God or not." [Note from Perfect Number: hey I agree with this guy!] In essence, the grant administrator was encouraging us to apply evangelical gnosticism, separating Christ from His world, encouraging us to use Christ's techniques without recognizing Him as the Creator of the techniques and without calling on Him to give people the power to employ those techniques.

We decided not to use the federal funds to pay for the curriculum. Teaching the values of a "Protestant work ethic" without teaching about the Creator of those values and about the transforming power of Jesus Christ is like giving out penicillin without ever explaining the source of the penicillin's power. [There was an earlier anecdote about how it's bad if people benefit from penicillin without being told that penicillin is from Jesus.] Yes, like penicillin, these values work. But how sad it would have been if we had ended up communicating to the program participants: "You can pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps. Become more disciplined, hardworking, and responsible, and you too can achieve the American dream of material prosperity." 

Wow, I have newfound sympathy for all the atheists who just want to improve their lives by going to a job training program/ addiction recovery program/ therapy, without having Jesus pushed on them all the time.

The book is like, oh wouldn't that just be terrible if we improved people's lives but they didn't become Christians. 

NOT COOL.

Conclusion: I quit reading there

This book is called "When Helping Hurts," and I thought it was going to be about when well-meaning donors have completely wrong ideas about what poor people need, so they end up butting in with their big well-meaning charity projects which do more harm than good. But after seeing how extremely Christian-supremacist chapter 3 is, I'm becoming very concerned that these authors actually think "doing more harm than good" would be if you help people but don't pressure them into changing their religious beliefs.

Where's the part about how you need to actually listen to people to find out what they need, instead of assuming you know what they need? That's what I thought this was going to be about. Really, that's the whole reason that charity efforts can do more harm than good. Has the book even mentioned listening to people at all, up to this point? Listening to them, and believing them? I thought it was so obvious, and I was so sure that would be what the book said, that I've been reading it through that lens, and now I'm like, wait, maybe they actually never said that at all???

Anyway. So that's my review of "When Helping Hurts." Hey maybe I'm wrong and it gets better from here, who knows. I decided it's not worth my time to read the rest of it and find out. The Christian supremacist stuff is so bad.

---

Related:

Recurring Donations

Evangelicals Agree With What Chau Did (And It Makes Me Angry): Here Are The Receipts

"My Evangelism Isn't Working" is a Very Creepy Thing to Say 

This is so normal. We just don't usually say it in front of other people. 

God of Bad Snaps

Monday, January 15, 2024

Blogaround

1. I’m a “Gray Asexual.” My Partner Isn’t. (January 10, via) "'Mainstream media rarely covers gray asexuality,' says Tristan Miller, director of the Ace Community Survey team. 'When they do, they rarely go beyond providing a definition—and the definition is often bad.'"

2. UN warns Gaza is now ‘uninhabitable’ as war continues (January 5, via) [content note: war, genocide] "He said the humanitarian community is facing an 'impossible mission' – trying to help more than 2 million people while UN staff and aid workers from partner organisations are killed, communications blackouts continue, roads are damaged, truck convoys are shot at and vital commercial supplies 'are almost nonexistent'."

3. Republicans are torturing pregnant women with lethal diagnoses.... (January 2) [content note: pregnancy loss, all of this is really tragic] 24-minute video from Mama Doctor Jones, an obgyn who grew up in Texas. She talks about her own journey to becoming pro-choice, and about the lawsuit against the state of Texas for denying abortion care to women with medical emergencies or fetal anomalies where the baby would not survive.

4. OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE THIS SO MUCH:

(Some background info: Flamy Grant is a Christian drag queen, queer Christians love her, and "Testify to Love" is a Christian song from the 90s.)

5. Help A Queer Couple Rebuild Their Lives in Safety. A GoFundMe for a lesbian couple in Ethiopia. This link was sent to me by a queer friend who used to live in China and is living in Ethiopia now- she knows the organizers of this fundraiser personally. Please donate if you can!

6. Yes, can confirm this is true:


Sunday, January 14, 2024

What do we do with Christians who are never going to accept queer people?

A church with a rainbow flag and trans flag. Image source.

Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"

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So, I've been doing this blog series about the book "The Great Sex Rescue," by Sheila Gregoire, Rebecca Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky. These writers also have a site called Bare Marriage, where they have a blog that updates several times per week (most of the posts are from Gregoire). As I've been writing my blog series on their book, I've also been following their blog, and commenting sometimes.

A lot of what they're saying on their blog is very good, and the church needs to hear it. They call out examples of sexism in the church, the ways that evangelical and complementarian teaching is harmful toward women, how the church covers up abuse, and so on. They're doing good work in that area.

But the thing that's glaringly obvious about their blog is the complete absence of queerness. Seriously, article after article after article about how purity culture is harmful, about how evangelical teachings on marriage and gender roles are harmful, and no mention of how these things are harmful toward queer people in uniquely bad ways? Yes, really, no mention at all. It's like the blog exists in a universe where everyone is cisgender and heterosexual.

(Or, rather, it's not true that there's *never* any mention of queerness. Sometimes, for example, they'll be discussing an academic study about marriage, and they'll say "these researchers surveyed heterosexual women"- which does imply that not all women are heterosexual, so, I guess that's something. And I also remember one post that said something like "all people desire sex, except some people who are asexual" so that was nice to have a mention there. So, very very occasionally there's a tiny mention of something that implies that maybe people might exist who are not heterosexual.)

It's just... reading their blog, it's just so obvious. So obvious that if you're talking about this topic, you should bring up the fact that these church teachings are especially harmful toward queer people. But they never do.

Even if they specifically want to focus on cisgender, heterosexual women because that's where they have the most experience and knowledge, that would be fine with me, if they said something like "in this post we're just focusing on how xyz affects heterosexual women, but it also affects queer women in different ways, but we don't have the expertise to talk about those aspects." Or, even better, "and here are a few links to some queer writers who have things to say on this topic." Yeah, if Gregoire and her co-bloggers don't know that much about the specific ways that purity culture is bad for queer people, that's fine, nobody is required to be an expert in everything- but what gets me is there's just no acknowledgement whatsoever that queer people exist in the church and are affected in uniquely bad ways by those same teachings.

I'm an ex-evangelical, and so this reads to me like Gregoire and her team are very deliberately not taking any kind of "stance" on the "issue" of queerness. They're not saying "marriage must be 1 man and 1 woman" and they're not saying "we fully accept and affirm same-sex relationships." They are not taking either "side", and I very much understand this, as a strategy. If they said anything one way or the other, it would become a huge controversy on social media, and everyone would either love them or hate them based on their "stance" on queer acceptance, rather than listening to their actual message about the ways that conservative Christian marriage teachings are harmful to women. 

I get that. The final blow that made me quit being evangelical was The World Vision Debacle of 2014, where the evangelical sections of social media totally blew up upon discovering that World Vision, a Christian charity which helps poor children around the world, employs people who are in same-sex marriages. Seriously, it was such a huge internet drama, people were so mad, people were talking about dropping their child sponsorships that they had through World Vision- and then a few days later, World Vision put out a statement that changed their policy, requiring all employees to live in accordance with "marriage is 1 man and 1 woman." World Vision threw queer people under the bus, because evangelicals just couldn't possibly be convinced to help poor children, if a gay person might also be helping those poor children. 

And I've seen the same thing happen with Eugene Peterson- he made a statement in support of same-sex marriage and then it was such a huge controversy that he reversed it a few days later. Jen Hatmaker- she made a statement supporting same-sex marriage, and Lifeway immediately stopped selling her books. (To her credit, she did NOT change her position because of this backlash.) InterVarsity Christian Fellowship threw queer people under the bus in 2016. More recently, we saw what Christianity Today had to say about pastor Andy Stanley saying that straight Christians can learn from gay married Christians- even though Andy Stanley still believes marriage is "1 man and 1 woman", his partial acceptance of gay married Christians is just TOO MUCH for Christianity Today (I wrote about that here).

You need to throw queer people under the bus, in order to be seen as a good evangelical. That's just a fact. That's just an undeniable fact. This is how it works.

So I read Gregoire's blog, and it's so glaringly obvious that she should be talking about queer people but she's not, and it reads to me as a very deliberate choice, because she wants to avoid that controversy and instead focus on her specific message, which is about how evangelical teachings are bad for heterosexual women.

I get that. As a queer person, I don't like it- if evangelicals hate queer people so much, why should we play by their rules?- but I understand it as a strategy. 

Anyway. So, on October 23, Gregoire published a post called Sex is Important in Marriage, which says things like "Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage." I'm mad because this post is extremely hostile toward asexuals. What if you have a marriage where both spouses are asexual, and they never have sex- that would be fine if that's what they want. And even in my marriage, I'm asexual but I do have sex, but I don't really view it as a super-important component of a healthy marriage. I view it like, we both decided we wanted this, so, in our marriage, this is a good thing. But it totally makes sense to me that some people would choose differently.

(And she did get pushback in the comment section, not just from me, but also from people saying things like "my husband and I have a good marriage and we have sex less than once a week, and it's fine, why are you saying we have to put pressure on ourselves to do it more often?" Because there was also a section of the post that said statistically, the happiest marriages have sex once per week- and implied that if you're having sex less than that, you should try to increase your frequency to once a week. The post didn't exactly say that directly [and it's a really bad misreading of the statistics] but it said people need to make sex a higher priority.)

I read that post right around the time I was working on my blog post about chapter 8 of "The Great Sex Rescue"- the chapter where it's not okay to be asexual. (I write these posts several weeks in advance.) And... I don't know why, but it really affected me emotionally. Like, why do I bother reading her blog, reading her book, writing a blog series on it... Why am I even engaging with this, when it's so incredibly hostile to queer people? Why did I fool myself into thinking I could engage with Christians who don't accept queer people, without getting burned?

Here's the thing: I agree with a lot of what Gregoire says, about the way the church treats women, etc- but I'm coming at it from a different angle than she is. I'm coming from a queer perspective here, and this is how I define that: "queer" means you are the only one who can know yourself. Your own identity, your own feelings, your own desires, your own priorities- nobody else can waltz into your life and tell you "you feel this and that"- no, that's absolutely ridiculous. And the process of discovering your own identity and what you want, and then building that kind of life for yourself, that is a beautiful thing. As a queer Christian, I also believe that this is what the image of God is about- there is so much diversity among human beings, and God Themself is complex and diverse and reflected in every little unique trait of every one of billions of people, and that's beautiful. Why would you want to make rules to say "everyone has to be this way, everyone has to have these feelings, everyone has to believe that sex is an important part of marriage" etc- why would you want to limit the image of God like that? And just as God is the Creator, and delights in Their creation, we create our own lives the way we want them to be, and the happiness we get from that is a beautiful and godly thing.

(And this is why I believe that even for people who aren't queer, it can be really beneficial to learn from queer people. Being straight because you've thought about it and you know what you want is so much more wonderful and life-giving than being straight because everyone told you "you're straight and here's how straight people are supposed to live," and you just went along with it.)

But when I read "The Great Sex Rescue," and when I read Gregoire's blog, the perspective that she is coming from is more like this: The church teaches these things about what marriage is supposed to be, and what sex is supposed to be, claiming "this is what God says, this is what the bible says" but actually these teachings put men at the top, and harm women, and that's not how God wants it to be. Actually, what the bible actually says is, here's what marriage is supposed to be, and here's what sex is supposed to be, it's supposed to be something which is equally good both for cisgender heterosexual monogamous men and cisgender heterosexual monogamous women.

It still feels so narrow to me. Like, instead of these rules, it's supposed to be these other rules! Instead of "sex is just PIV [penis-in-vagina]" it's "do foreplay first, so the woman can have an orgasm, and then do PIV." It's so narrow. It's not about knowing yourself and knowing what you want.

(I should clarify that there are *some* areas where Gregoire says you should make decisions based on knowing yourself- like how you divide up housework between the husband and wife. She says it shouldn't be based on rules about gender roles, it should be based on what's fair and what works for your marriage. Yes, this is absolutely right.)

So anyway, reading her blog post about why sex always has to be important in everyone's marriage, it really made it clear that she's coming at it from a perspective of "it's not these rules, it's these other rules" rather than "it's not these rules, it's figuring out for yourself what you want." And I guess that's why it affected me so much emotionally- I can see that so many of the things she writes about are important and it's good that she's talking about them, and so I fool myself into thinking her reasons for believing those things are similar to mine, but they're not, they're really not. And... well, like I said, being evangelical means you have to throw queer people under the bus. Don't lose sight of that.

I've mentioned several times throughout my blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue" that I understand that my advice of "figure out what you want and then advocate for yourself" is just not workable for a lot of people coming from an evangelical background (especially women). We were taught that everything we do has to be centered around Jesus, everything we do has to be about serving God, that if we want something just because we want it, that's bad and sinful and selfish. To put it bluntly, growing up evangelical, you're not allowed to have desires. You're not allowed to want things- that's "selfish." And so I understand that "it's not these rules, it's these other rules" can be a lifesaver, a crucial first step away from that anti-self ideology. Because if you're been taught your entire life that it's wrong to want things, then it's just not possible to get any benefit from the advice "it's not these rules, it's figuring out for yourself what you want." At that point, you don't even know how to know what you want. At that point, it's unimaginable to stand up for yourself and say "this is what I want, and my feelings matter"- no, you only know how to make the argument "this is what God wants me to do."

And in my own journey toward accepting queer people, I also had to go through an "it's not these rules, it's these other rules" phase. All my life I had heard "the bible is clear, same-sex relationships are sinful" but then I read some articles from gay Christians, saying "okay let's do a bunch of research on this specific Greek word, let's spend a lot of time discussing how best to translate it, let's learn about how homosexual relationships worked in ancient Roman culture, and if you do all that, then you can make an argument that actually the bible wasn't saying that same-sex relationships are sinful." Very painstakingly going through the process of clarifying what exactly "the rules" are, according to the bible- rather than celebrating the image of God as we see it in a same-sex couple.

So yes, I understand "it's not these rules, it's these other rules" may be a necessary first step for a lot of people coming from that background. I can't fault them for being in that place right now. But I hope that people are able to move on from that. It's very "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!" There's a whole big queer world out here, come and enjoy it.

And for myself, I'm thinking about when Jesus said to "shake the dust off your feet." Don't keep waiting around for non-queer Christians to change their minds and accept queer people. 

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Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"

Related:

It Doesn’t Actually Matter What Jesus Said About Divorce

Go ahead and say I'm not a Christian. I don't care anymore. 

Katy Perry's God-Given Freedom 

So I Watched Josh Harris's Documentary 

So I've Discovered That (For Me) Church Culture Causes Depression

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