Tuesday, December 18, 2012

The Future of Christmas Trees

I'm calling it right now: In the future, people will have artificial Christmas trees that don't even resemble trees.

Perfectnumber, what are you talking about? Well let's have a look at how this tradition of Christmas trees has developed, shall we?

First we have the real Christmas tree.

Image source.

So, once a year, people chop down an evergreen tree, bring it in their house, and decorate it, then throw it on the curb a month later. When I was little, I thought "well this is really weird, but everybody does it, so no problem, it's not that weird." Then I found out, nope, in other countries (like China) they totally DON'T, and they're probably all laughing at how completely bizarre it is.

Then people started getting artificial trees.

Image source.

So, these are more convenient because you don't need to buy a new one every year, and it doesn't drop pine needles everywhere.

And there's something incredibly weird about killing a whole tree just so it can be a decoration in your house for a month. The artificial ones are less wasteful.

Then there were other colors of artificial trees.

It's really common to see white ones. Obviously at this point we're not fooling anyone- there's no REAL pine tree with pure white needles like that. Also, a quick google image search for "artificial christmas tree" shows other colors- blue, red, purple.

Because, hey, other colors look nice too. If it's not a real tree anyway, why does it need to be green?

And at some point, someone is going to realize, why does it even need to be shaped like a tree?

First, we'll have hipsters and artist types who put up some odd-looking structure in their living room and decorate it with Christmas ornaments. It just needs to be tall and have places to hang things.

Then that idea will catch on in mainstream culture. People will buy Christmas "trees" in all sorts of different shapes, designs, and colors- not resembling any tree at all.

Children will be befuddled as to why these structures are called "Christmas trees", the same way I was befuddled when I learned that early computers did not have mice. ("But how did you CLICK ON things? Oh, must have been a touch screen.") Then they will learn the origin of the term "Christmas tree", and the history- how not long ago, people used to actually chop down real evergreen trees and bring them into their houses.

People will look with astonishment at the photos of their parents and grandparents, smiling on Christmas morning in front of a real evergreen tree. They'll wonder how that could ever have been practical- doesn't it drop pine needles everywhere? Don't you have to water it every day? And their parents will tell them yes, we watered the tree everyday, right after we were done walking to school uphill both ways.

I'm calling it right now. When this happens- when a generation of kids grows up laughing at how silly and nonsensical it is to use the term "Christmas tree", then you just remember, perfectnumber628 predicted this, back in 2012.

Pictured: Christmas tree of the future. Image source.

Merry Christmas! I'll be in my time machine if you need me.

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