On Not Knowing the Baby's Gender

Two sleeping babies. One is wrapped in a pink blanket, one is wrapped in a blue blanket. Image source.

I recently announced the birth of my perfect son, Square Root. Here's something I wrote when I was 18 weeks pregnant.

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I always thought it was strange that, when people announce the birth of their baby, they always include these pieces of information:

1. Name- first, middle, and last
2. Gender
3. Weight in pounds and ounces

Isn't that weird, that it's always THESE EXACT things? It's not even like these are particularly important things to know about a person. Like, middle name, and weight in ounces? Do those really matter? Why are these insignificant bits of information treated with such seriousness as they are passed around from one person to another, as news of this baby's birth spreads?

And then I realized, it's because there is literally no other information available about this person. In the entire world, in the sum of all knowledge that we could possibly have access to, there is NOTHING. We literally know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about this person- except their name (first, middle, and last), gender, and weight (pounds and ounces).

(If they're born with any health problems, there's that too. But if they're healthy then there's really not much to say about that either.)

People are so happy about the baby finally coming into the world, and they want to get to know this baby. So they latch on to the the only tiny pieces of information available, and treat those things as very important. 

I get it now, because I'm pregnant and I love my baby so much, but I haven't even met them yet. It's such a weird thing, to love someone that I don't even know. How is that even possible?

(And now I want to cry for some reason, probably hormones.)

I also felt very weird, when I was in the US earlier in my pregnancy, and my mom took me shopping to get some clothes for the baby. All the clothes were so cute, but ... how can I shop for clothes for someone when I don't even know them? I don't know what Baby will like. It was such a weird experience, and I felt so stuck, no idea how to make a decision. I think I only picked out 1 thing, and my mom picked the rest. (Mom says that babies don't have preferences about their clothes, you just dress them in whatever and it's fine. She says it doesn't make sense to be like "but I don't know what Baby would want." I guess that's true.)

I'm so excited about having this baby, so eager to finally meet them and love them. I don't know anything about what kind of person they are, and I wish I did. I want it so bad. And so at first I wished I could find out their gender.

Hendrix told me that in China, doctors are not allowed to tell you the baby's gender, until the baby is born. (I guess it's to prevent sex-selective abortions.) So we're just not going to know. (Though I have heard rumors that some international hospitals will tell you anyway? So we'll see.) [Update: Yes, in China there are ways of getting around the rules. There are ways of getting an ultrasound technician to spill the beans.]

(I'm using the term "gender" in this post, but remember that genitals aren't the same thing as gender, and trans people exist. I'm thinking the way to do Baby's gender is just go with the one they're assigned based on their genitals, and then if a few years later, the kid says actually they are a different gender, then we support and accept that.)

Then I realized, when I was imagining my baby being a girl or boy, I started with the gender and constructed a whole imaginary person from it. Oh, if it's a girl, we're going to watch Disney princess movies, and she'll wear pink dresses. And she'll be like me, an engineer, and we'll build legos together. If it's a boy... okay I don't really know anything about boys, I don't have any brothers. But if it's a boy that will also be great.

I don't think it's a good thing, to have all these expectations for my child, when I haven't even met them yet. Especially if those expectations are based on their gender. Of course I want to allow my kid to be interested in whatever they're interested in. I don't want anyone to limit them. Especially based on gender. But at the same time, it's understandable that I would make up these imaginary scenarios. I love this baby so much but I don't even know them. I wish so much that I just knew something about them. ... so I want to just make something up.

And all of this reinforces the idea that you know, maybe it's a good thing we can't find out the gender until the baby is born. I don't want people putting all kinds of gendered expectations on my child before the child has even taken their first breath. The world will put so many gendered expectations on them as soon as they're born- but not before, not if I have anything to say about it.

So those are my feelings on my not-born-yet baby's gender. I want them to be free to have whatever interests they have, and wear whatever they want. But the world will try to limit them. Even I find I have a desire to make up an imaginary personality for them, just because I'm so eager to have this baby. And because of that, I think it's good that no one will know my baby's gender until they're born.

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Follow-up post: Why Don't I Want to Put My Baby Boy in a Dress?