The Christian Version of "Poor Unfortunate Souls"

Ursula and Ariel. Image source.

[content note: abusive theology, altar call]

I present: The Christian version of "Poor Unfortunate Souls", from "The Little Mermaid." You can click on the video below to hear the original, then follow along with the lyrics I've written.



Ursula: The only way to get what you want is to become born again.

Ariel: Can you do that?

Ursula: My dear sweet child, that's what I do. It's what I died for. To help unfortunate humans like yourself. Poor souls with no one else to turn to.

I'm looking at your life and it is nasty
And your heart is all a sinful selfish mess
I'm the perfect holy king
Can't stand a hint of sin
And justice says you suffer forever in hell, for this
But I fortunately have a little weakness
It's my love for all you worthless human trash
I was crucified and died
To save the wretched lives
Of the miserable, lonely, and depressed (pathetic)

Poor unfortunate souls!
In pain, in need
This one longing for a purpose
That one cries herself to sleep
And do I help them?
Yes indeed.
Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
When I bring them to rock bottom
They cry "save me, Jesus, please"
And I help them
Yes I do.

There are some who fell away
When their minds were led astray
Tempted by the wisdom of the world
You can't trust your wicked heart
Better listen to my word
Those poor unfortunate souls

Have we got a deal?

Ariel: If I become a Christian, I'll never be able to make my own choices again.

Ursula: But you'll have me. Life is full of tough choices, isn't it?

Oh and there is one more thing, we haven't discussed the subject of payment

Ariel: But I don't have any

Ursula: It's a free gift, really. But grace isn't cheap. What I want from you is: lay down your life.

Ariel: But if I surrender, how can I

Ursula: You'll have my word
My perfect plan
And did you really think you could be in charge of your own life?

The world just doesn't get that you're so sinful
Preaching that we all need self-esteem
No, you mustn't love yourself
You're meant for hell and nothing else
I'm a holy God and that's just how it works
I know they say I put on way too much restriction
But you're no better off, trapped in your sin
Surrender everything you've got
Learn my rules for right and wrong
Only when you are my slave will you be free

Come on you poor unfortunate soul!
Go ahead
Make your choice!
Don't put off this decision, honey, you might die today
Pick your cross up
Follow me
Ya poor unfortunate soul
It's sad, but true
If you want to cross a bridge, to be with God and save your soul
bend your knees and bow your head
and come on pray these simple words
There's a party up in heaven now
Forever I'm your Lord
This poor unfortunate soul!

Romans 3:10
5:8, 6:23
Filthy rags and depravity
Nobody loves you like me

Now, pray!

Ariel: Dear God, I admit that I am a sinner...

Ursula: KEEP PRAYING!

Ariel: I believe that Jesus died for me. I ask you to come into my heart and forgive my sins and help me to live for you.

Amen.