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| The groom puts a wedding ring on the bride's finger. Image source. |
[content note: sex, vaginismus, coercive sex, marital rape. Purity culture is rape culture.]
I came across this article by Rebecca Lindenbach, Research Deep Dive: How does a couple's first time affect her libido? (October 2022). (This website is "Bare Marriage" and it used to be called "To Love, Honor, and Vacuum"- it's Sheila Wray Gregoire's site. I've written about her before. I am very interested in her book, The Great Sex Rescue.) This article is about a study on women's libido and how that was related to whether or not they had an orgasm the first time they had partnered sex.
This article is really off-base- it's acting like this study means that your first time having sex will determine your level of libido for your whole life. Like oh you have to make sure the first time is a really good experience and you have an orgasm, and then you'll be destined to have a good sex life. I'm reading this like, what on earth, that is completely bizarre and not at all what the study said.
(Also I find it very weird that if a woman is "just as likely to have a high libido as men" that's treated as if it's like, self-evidently a good thing, like that's the ideal situation in marriage. Maybe that should be explained a little more? I'm too asexual for this article...)
Like, for me it's hard to imagine having an orgasm the first time I had sex. I had NOT A CLUE what I was doing. I had heard that "female orgasm" was a thing that existed, but had 0 practical knowledge about what it was like or how to go about causing it to happen. I naively thought that if you just really love your partner a lot, all those things will just magically happen and you don't actually have to have any sex ed. (Turns out this is not true!)
So, like, I'm confused about the women in the study who had an orgasm their first time having partnered sex. Like, wow, what an unusual situation, I wonder what specific thing about these women enabled that to happen. Probably they had a lot of experience masturbating. Probably they already knew what orgasms were. Unlike little Perfect Number. Good for them- it's good to understand your own body and know what you want.
Anyway so, reading this article I'm just like "????? no that's not what the study said..." but what I really want to talk about is the comments section, because a few commenters had really insightful things to say about vaginismus. (A few commenters also pointed out that the article's take on the causality was totally backwards. Good.)
So anyway, here are the comments I want to highlight:
Rebecca Lindenbach (writer of the article):
What our research found was that among Christian couples who only ever had sex with each other, if the first time they had sex was after they were married, their risk of vaginismus went up considerably. In other words, those who had sex before they were married were less likely to have vaginismus in their marriages. When we took that finding and went through our focus group data and our survey data and looked at what made women with vaginismus different from women who did not experience vaginismus, a big trend was how they felt the first time they had sex. Almost every single woman we talked with who had vaginismus and had sex for the first time after the wedding had sex for the first time while unaroused. In essence, “time’s up”–you got to put out because he’s waited this long! So a woman who has been waiting, looking forward to sex, and excited for sex, then has an arbitrary deadline placed on it–and she forces herself to have sex before she’s aroused. Which leads to a lack of orgasm and, worse, pain. Thus, vaginismus rates going up.
Whereas people who have sex before the wedding who are Christians are statistically speaking, likely to be trying to wait until after they tie the knot! So why would a couple who is waiting for sex actually have sex? Often it’s because they are really aroused and can’t stop themselves. That level of arousal is more likely to lead to enjoyable sex for her, so less vaginismus. So we didn’t outright measure whether or not a couple orgasmed the first time, that is our theory based on our data and our focus groups data. 🙂 But we think it makes sense, and it is in line with what other research on determinants of orgasm and sexual pain disorders have found, as well!
So what’s the solution to all of this? I think it’s proper sexual education that includes the arousal cycle, and to tell couples that the wedding night is not a deadline. Don’t just wait until you’re married–wait until you’re married and aroused! I think if we stop seeing sex as an “event” and more as a relationship, where you’re exploring and discovering each other and truly connecting in an intimate way, we’ll also have fewer wedding nights where it’s a quick encounter with very little foreplay that leaves her frustrated and confused. Not a great start, and it’s not surprising that it can have ramifications long-term.
HOOOOOLLLYYYYYYYYY SHITTTTTTTTTT.
I was just totally BLOWN AWAY by this comment. First of all, THE MOST shocking thing, is that this site, "Bare Marriage", is explicitly a Christian site, and as far as I know, they do believe that sex before marriage is always a sin. (I could be wrong about this? I think several years ago I saw a post from Gregoire that says she believes sex before marriage is a sin- but also, I know she has said recently that a lot of her ideas have changed.) Like, obviously I expect to see feminist blogs and ex-purity-culture blogs being real about the damage that "don't have sex before marriage" does, but I NEVER expected a Christian site like this to say that in some ways, it is BETTER to have sex before marriage than to wait for marriage. Specifically, people who had sex before marriage were less likely to have vaginismus.
Also, talking about the wedding night as a "deadline"- oh my god, this is SPOT-ON. I can't believe I've never heard it put this way before. In purity ideology, the idea is very much "you WANT to have sex with your partner ALL THE TIME, and you're working so hard to hold back until the wedding night, and then at that point, hooray you don't have to hold back anymore" as if there would be absolutely no reason to not have sex once you're married. As if no one can imagine any possible reason that you would not be totally ready to have sex immediately as soon as "God" says you can.
People who ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT SEX IS and what arousal is know that women are not just always up for sex. (Also men! Also people of any gender at all! But I'm a cis woman so I'm talking specifically about that.) Now this is the point where my asexuality starts to show, but apparently the way it typically works is people have sex based on their "sex drive" (???) and the way society typically views it is that you need to have both people's sex drives making them want to have sex, at the same time, in order for sex to work. (I mean, idk, I'm asexual, and I don't seem to have a sex drive, so I just decide to have sex when I want to. I feel this is much more convenient than needing some mysterious "sex drive" feeling to enable you to have sex. This was my main point of confusion when I reviewed the book "Come As You Are.")
But anyway, yeah, when I was a naive teenager in purity culture, I could not imagine any possible reason to not want sex once it was "allowed."
So the idea that YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX ON YOUR WEDDING NIGHT- this is HUGE. This is, it is hard to even explain how much this goes against everything in purity culture. Like, purity culture makes a big huge deal about how wedding-night sex is going to be AWESOME and MIND-BLOWING and that's your REWARD for waiting till marriage.
But yes, absolutely, we SHOULD be teaching kids "you don't have to have sex on your wedding night." (Or, any time at all, really.) Honestly, if I were in charge of all the sex ed (lol), I would tell people they should expect that they will not have sex on their wedding night.
Also, Lindenbach's scenarios about a couple that "waits" till their wedding night vs a couple that has sex before marriage seem very reasonable to me. I will say, though, that I had sex before marriage (and I'm proud of it- it's not a sin) but my reasons were nothing like what she's describing here. (Lol, my reasons turned out to be very asexual.) And I did have vaginismus. And yes, the first time I had sex, I was not aroused. I did not even know what arousal was.
Oh... and 1 uncool thing I need to point out: "So why would a couple who is waiting for sex actually have sex? Often it’s because they are really aroused and can’t stop themselves." NOPE, there is no such thing as being so aroused that you're literally unable to respect your partner's consent.
CONSENT, PEOPLE!!!!!!
All right, on to another very good comment:
Jo R:
[content note for this comment: descriptions of painful and coercive sex]
Can any man really understand what PIV [penis-in-vagina] is like for so very many women, especially Christian women?
First, a woman can have PIV without being aroused. A man cannot, by definition.
Second, very few men experience pain during PIV. How can a man even begin to understand? Imagine that at the end of every thrust, a pin or nail pokes the tip of his penis, or that that sharp tip rakes down the side of his penis with every thrust. Or that he’s kicked in the testicles with every thrust, both on the inward and outward stroke.
Third, imagine the man has PIV without ever, EVER having an orgasm.
Fourth, imagine the man being told ad infinitum and ad nauseum that he must have sex on his wife’s demand while experiencing the issues described above.
Fifth, imagine that every time he tries to explain his difficulties to his wife, she trivializes them and declares that it’s all in his head. And that she tells him he’s in actual sin if he ever says no.
Sixth, wash, rinse, and repeat for a decade or two.
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Does any of that help the guys understand where so many of us women are coming from?
Oh my god, this is such a perfect description/analogy for what it's like having vaginismus and also living under this "you have a duty to have sex with your husband" ideology. And you believe that's just what marriage is. You believe that's normal.
somuchregret:
This whole article is very interesting. My wedding day/night story….We went back to our house after the wedding, and I was changing out if my wedding dress into something more comfortable. I had barely started to unbuttom my dress and my husband asked “can I?” I new exactly what he was asking and didn’t want to disappoint him, after all I wanted to be a good wife. About 3 minutes later it was over. He was so happy and I was left wondering why I had agreed to that. Later that evening once we checked into our hotel, again he wanted to be in the shower with me. I was the blushing, self-conscious bride and felt very awkward just jumping naked into the shower, (I had pictured things going much slower and differently) but he wouldn’t stop asking/coaxing, so finally I agreed, I wanted to be the good wife. Again he enjoyed himself, I did not. It was several days of this on our honeymoon until I finally was comfortable enough to orgasm during sex. This was not how I had envisioned things would go and it was very indicative of what was to come for us in the bedroom.
We had been teens during the purity movement and had soaked in every word taught to us in youth group and church. We had exchanged our purity rings in our wedding ceremony and had anxiously waited for our wedding night. We had been given “The Act of Marriage” a month or so before our wedding so we would be prepared and I would know how to meet his needs as his wife.
We’ve been married almost 20 years now….things have been very difficult for us in this area of our marriage. And now I am perfectly happy with very little or no sex. I’ve just gotten to the point where I’m done and I don’t care any more how much he wants it or needs it. Most days I just don’t want to be touched.
Finding this website has been a little earth shaking for me…I thought this was just the way things were supposed to be but I am slowly learning there is a different perspective out there and that maybe, just maybe, things could change. I have such a long way to go and I find myself very angry after reading these posts. Angry I believed what I was told, angry at Christian culture for teaching this stuff, angry at the people I was told to repect and never question because questioning the Bible was heresy, angry at my husband for buying into all of this and treating me this way (even though I bought into it too).
Yeah... this feels very real. The idea that, you've waited so long, and now you're finally "allowed" to have sex so you immediately just jump right into it, no awareness that there could be any reasons to slow down. That's basically what I always imagined the wedding night would be like, when I was in purity culture and didn't know anything about what sex actually was. And as you can see from the above story, reality doesn't work that way.
It makes me think of this very good 2016 post from Samantha Field, purity culture and the wedding night. "I thought I'd be lucky not to marry a rapist."
Anyway. Just want to share these comments from Lindenbach's blog post. It's fascinating to me that these are a lot of the same things I blog about (my experiences with purity culture, Christian marriage teaching, and vaginismus) but I do it through a lens of asexuality, whereas the "Bare Marriage" blog still feels very much like it follows the conservative Christian sex rules- except for any rules which are unequal between men and women. (Also I *think* they don't believe masturbation is a sin? I haven't seen an explicit statement on it, but it feels like they are being very real about what sex actually is and how to make it good for women, and honestly I don't think you can do that without masturbation. They seem real enough to be aware of that fact.) Alas, they appear to be the type of conservative Christians who have no awareness that queer people exist. In my opinion, asexuality would be an extremely helpful concept to a lot of women with this kind of background.
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Related:
Here's an article about evangelical women and sex
How Pregnancy and Childbirth Changed My Asexuality (or, actually, A Post About Vaginismus)
My Husband Is Not The Entire Focus Of My Sex Life
I’m Really Really REALLY Glad I Had Sex Before Marriage
He Just Loves Me (a post about Sex, Pregnancy, and My "Wifely Duty")
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