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| Expectation vs reality. The "Expectation" image is a beautiful cake with layers in a rainbow of colors. "Reality" is a cake that looks like a mess. Image source. |
I want to analyze the concept of sexual attraction and how it connects to reality. Or, rather, not sexual attraction exactly, but feeling like you're attracted to someone and on some level you have a desire to have sex with them. I have feelings like that, but I don't think they are actually sexual attraction. We'll get to the reasons why.
So, if part of you says "I want to have sex with this person" and part of you says "but I'm not really going to" that's what I want to analyze. In some sense wanting it, but in another sense knowing that it wouldn't actually be a good thing if it actually happened in reality.
(Disclaimer: I feel like I have to put a disclaimer here... I use a lot of "you" pronouns in this post, and usually I try not to do that. In general, I don't think it's good to tell people "you feel like this" when actually I feel like that and I'm just hiding behind the "you" to make it less obvious, and perhaps nobody else feels like that. But this is difficult to talk about, and I haven't managed to write it in a way that's careful about the "you" pronouns like I usually would. Really it's about me or about hypothetical situations that I've heard about or that I can imagine. Perhaps not like anyone else at all, even though I say "you.")
There are several levels to this, with more and more narrow gaps between fantasy and reality.
Level 1: Morals
So, you feel like you have a desire to have sex with someone, but you believe it's a sin. Or you're in a monogamous relationship with someone else. So even though you feel sexual attraction (or whatever it is) to this new person, you know it's just never going to happen; it's just totally out of the question.
So you don't think about any of the practical aspects of what it would really be like if it really happened. The whole thing is fantasy. Nothing about it is real at all.
Level 2: Consequences
So, you feel like you have a desire for sex with someone, but you know it would be a bad idea because of what kinds of consequences it may cause.
We have physical consequences: pregnancy, STDs. We have emotional consequences: you may develop more feelings for this person, feelings that don't fit the actual type of relationship you have in reality, and that will set you up for heartbreak when this person turns out not to be the ideal that you wanted them to be. We have social consequences: what will other people think of you if they know you had sex with so-and-so?
These are basically the things that they warn you about in sex-ed class.
This level still has quite a big gap between fantasy and reality. Or, at least for me it does...? These negative consequences are not things that I have actually experienced, but I see that they are certainly big issues and need to be taken into account if you choose to have sex.
Level 3: Setup
Okay, say you're not concerned about the issues mentioned in levels 1 and 2. The next barrier to having sex is the setup. How would you actually go about getting it to happen?
First of all, how do you even tell a person that you're interested in having sex with them? Okay, there are only certain settings in which you can bring this up, otherwise you're being creepy. I guess the appropriate circumstances are: if you're already dating the person in question, or if you're flirting with them at a bar or a party or something (??? apparently this is a thing people do? have sex with someone they just met at a party?).
For simplicity, let's assume this is a person you're already dating. That's the typical situation where sex happens.
Okay, but, seriously, I'm trying to even imagine how to bring this subject up, and it just feels so extremely awkward. I guess maybe like if you're already kissing them...? Then it would feel less weird to bring up the topic of doing sexual things? I don't know????
Uhhh... now you may be saying "But Perfect Number, aren't you married, and you have sex with your husband? So how can you act like this is so awkward that it's totally impossible- clearly you have figured it out, right?" Well, yes, because we had a foundation of knowing each other and understanding each other and sharing our lives, and then within that context we could little-by-little do these things without being awkward. But I just totally can't imagine attempting to have sex with someone that I didn't have that level of trust with. It would just be SO UNBELIEVABLY AWKWARD.
(Like... yes, I know it's a real thing, hooking up with people you don't know very well. I know it's a real thing. I am not judging. I am just trying to make sense of it. I feel like it's hard to express what I mean about this because it sounds very similar to how conservative Christians judge people for having sex. I'm really not judging! Have as much sex as you want! It's great! And please explain it to me, I don't get it!)
And there are some other setup-related issues: You need to bring a condom, you need to have a location where you can be alone, etc.
So the gap between fantasy and reality here is like... you feel like you want to have sex with this person, but the overwhelming awkwardness of how to actually communicate that to them in order to make it happen just completely shuts down any possibility of it actually happening. Like you think "wow wouldn't it be great if I had sex with this person" but then you realize that in order for that to happen, you'd have to, you know, somehow talk to them about sex, and obviously you don't want that, oh hells no. So, in reality you don't want to have sex.
And, don't misunderstand me- don't take this to mean "asking for consent is awkward, therefore it's better to just go ahead and do sex things without asking for consent" because OH GOODNESS that would be even more awkward. Oh holy crap, what if someone just like, starting sticking their hands under someone else's clothes, without even asking first? Oh my goddd that would be so much worse. Whoa, not cool.
Level 4: The process
All right so let's say you have communicated with this attractive person and you have agreed that you both want to have sex. Now the next issue is the actual process.
Like, you have to take your clothes off? In front of another person? Oh wow that sounds so awkward. Or maybe just take off some of your clothes? Maybe kinda dim the lights, does that make it less awkward? Oh my goodness, the whole thing just sounds so awkward, I can't even imagine it.
And then there's the issue of, is this person going to judge your body? Is this person going to judge what kind of underwear you wear?
And then you have to discuss what sex position you want to do... and figure out how to move your limbs around... and also it's kinda cold... and the blanket doesn't cover your feet...
Like, a lot of very practical issues that would make sex weird and unpleasant and completely different than whatever perfect fantasy you have.
OH WAIT, I just realized, maybe uh... for most people, arousal is what makes this whole weird thing seem like something that's actually realistic and desirable...? Ahhhhh maybe arousal is what typically bridges the gap between the idea of wanting to have sex, and the actual action of doing something with your genitals. Ohhhh... (For me, arousal is not really connected to attraction, so I forgot to consider it in this context.)
Level 5: The actual sex
Okay so what if you get past all of those previous levels, and you actually are having sex, and you realize, the actual physical act of putting your genitals together with someone else's genitals is confusing and painful...?
Like, at this point, there shouldn't be any more gap between fantasy and reality. There shouldn't be any more "I have a desire for sex, but I'm not going to actually do it because of all these other issues surrounding it"- we've gotten past all those issues (or, perhaps, decided to ignore them because we just think the sex will be SO GOOD it's WORTH IT), and all that's left is the actual sex, the actual genital stuff.
Important note: Masturbation can help with this... this problem of being totally caught off-guard by the reality of what sex really is. My advice is, do NOT attempt to have sex with another person if you've never tried masturbating before.
So... this is what led me to start wondering if I'm asexual. Because I felt like I wanted sex, but then when I actually had sex, it was nothing like I expected. What I actually wanted had a lot more to do with the feeling of being desired and passionately touching each other- and none of that has anything to do with anyone's genitals. Why bring genitals into that at all? Just because that's what society says it means when you're attracted to someone and want to be all over them... So this whole post is kind of about sexual attraction, and kind of about something that I thought was sexual attraction but now I don't think it is.
But, also, it turns out I had vaginismus, so that's why penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex was painful. That's why I was like "why would anyone have a desire for THIS?" So, maybe we have to redo level 5:
Level 5, again: The actual sex, if you don't have vaginismus
Hooray, I don't have vaginismus now. I was pleasantly surprised to find that now, PIV sex actually feels good.
So, now do I still have a gap between fantasy and reality? I'd say it's more like, the "fantasy" part has changed... now the "fantasy" part is more like, remembering good experiences I've actually had with sex. So because those are real things that really happened, there's not a gap there any more.
(That's specifically about my husband, though. Sometimes I feel attracted to other men too, and in those cases, all of the above levels would apply, and there would be those same huge gaps between fantasy and reality. That same "in my head it sounds desirable, but in reality it wouldn't be good because of all these very practical aspects.")
So, I have wondered if, back when I had vaginismus, that was such a different situation than now... that it doesn't really even count as having sex. Like, that was painful, and it was impossible to believe that it could feel good or be something that people would desire. My experiences now fit a lot better with what people say sex is like... so could someone make the argument that that wasn't "really" sex?
In other words, maybe someone would make the argument "you say 'I wanted to have sex, but then I found out sex was painful and confusing, so no I don't want that' but actually that's not how sex really is, so actually you still do want sex, it's just that what you've experienced isn't sex, and the actual experience of real sex isn't accessible to you because you have vaginismus."
I mean... I got pregnant from it, so... yeah... and then giving birth vaginally is what cured the vaginismus. So can't really say it wasn't "real" sex...
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So... I guess the reason I'm writing this is it helps me to have all of this laid out here. Organized. As a teenager I was always warned that "one thing leads to another" and people are always having sex accidentally because they "fell into temptation" even though they were trying to "wait for marriage." I really thought I was at risk of... just... accidentally having sex. I thought to myself, "but, to have sex, don't you have to like, be naked with another person? I cannot imagine any realistic set of events that could lead to that." So it was hard to really believe there was actually any risk of having sex. But I didn't trust myself, because the good Christian role models said this totally happens to people when they least expect it. I should have trusted myself.
It helps to have these all categorized here like this... I think it helps show something about my asexuality. Because, I'm sure most people have feelings like "I have a desire for sex with this person, but obviously I won't do it because it's a bad idea for many reasons"- and analyzing those specific reasons, I think maybe my feelings on them are different than for allosexual people ("allosexual" means not on the asexual spectrum). Specifically, level 5 was what led me to figure out I'm asexual.
If, for example, you're at level 2, and you say "I want sex, but I am not going to really do it because there's a risk of pregnancy" then that seems like a pretty normal thought process that a lot of people would have. But if you're at level 5, like "I want sex, but I don't like the part where you do stuff with your genitals" uhhhh you're probably asexual. (Possibly-related term: autochorissexual.)
I'm kind of curious what other people think of levels 3, 4, and 5. Levels 1 and 2 are what everyone talks about when they teach kids sex-ed, but to me those are not the main barriers to sex. For me, the main concern is how extremely weird it is to show your body to another person.
Whenever people seem to be interested in sex, I want to ask them, "Do you know sex means, like, being naked with another person and doing stuff with each other's genitals? Just want to check- that's what you're interested in?" As if I'm gonna give them a reality check and they'll realize "oh, right, that's what sex is in reality, it's totally different from this fantasy I have in my head, so actually I don't really want sex." Well, what can I say, I'm asexual.
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And here's another exercise: What about kissing? In my opinion, levels 1-2 would have basically the same concerns for kissing as for sex, level 3 would be fine with no issues if it was someone I was dating, and a bit awkward but doable if it was just some attractive person in a romantically-charged setting, and levels 4-5 I would have no issues at all. Curious what other people would think about how the levels of "I want to do it but I don't want to do it" would differ between kissing and sex.
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Related:
How Pregnancy and Childbirth Changed My Asexuality (or, actually, A Post About Vaginismus)
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