Wow for some reason I found myself listening to Cece Winans's song "Alabaster Box" and I have FEELINGS.
[video above is a 2021 live performance, but the song is from all the way back in 1999]
I love it. Which surprises me, because I always have complicated ex-evangelical feelings about the worship songs I used to love. But for some reason, right now, this song, I just feel the joy of loving Jesus. And some of you wrote in your responses to my Reader Survey that you want to see more posts about the Christianity I believe in now, so, okay, sure, let's go ahead and blog about this, even though I'm not sure I really understand my feelings yet.
Normally on my blog, writing about a worship song, I would say something like, "I see myself back then, a girl giving everything she had in worship to God, and it's so tragic because her faith was so real and passionate but it wasn't really based in anything worth believing. It was an ideology founded in vicious lies against other people. And she really believed it, 100%. She fought for it, not caring about what it cost her. She loved that god with her whole heart, and he took advantage of it." (This post from 2015 was along those lines, and references the song "Alabaster Box.") And yeah, that's all true, but that's not how I feel about "Alabaster Box" now.
Or sometimes I take the approach like "I still believe in the things they taught me- only now I think that 'caring for the least of these' means black lives matter, and supporting all queer rights." Which is true, I do believe that. But my feelings about "Alabaster Box" right now aren't in that direction, the culture-war/ political direction. It's something more basic than that, more emotional.
"You weren't there, the night Jesus found me. You did not feel what I felt when he wrapped his loving arms around me. And, you don't know the cost of the oil in my alabaster box."
It's something that I experienced, and no one can take it away from me. When I experienced God, way back then, there was something real to it, even in the midst of ... an ideology taught to me by imperfect people.
It's choosing to pour out worship on Jesus. I know I said I'd never worship again- which is true- but I mean this in a different way. It's choosing to do it, this one time, because of how I feel. Celebration. Love. And that's real right now, but I make no promises for the future. I've said before, I'm never going to be in a personal relationship with a god again. But I see that maybe I can worship with no strings attached. Just enjoy it for what it is in the moment. It doesn't mean I'm giving my whole life to Them, or anything like that.
And 10 years ago, when I worshipped with this song, I imagined the "you weren't there" was a response to hypothetical atheists mocking me and saying religion is foolish. But now it's... Christians who say I'm not a Christian, or say my worship (or... whatever it is, maybe "worship" isn't the right word) isn't real because I very much refuse to submit my life to God.
I really do love Jesus, but I'm my own person. And ever since I came to see things that way, as an ex-evangelical, I've felt that there's a tension there. A conflict, a "but". That God wants to control my whole life, and I'm saying no to Them, and They're not satisfied with that. But maybe... maybe They could be. Can I worship God when I want, without commitment, and it's more meaningful because They know it's real every time, rather than being out of obligation?
(My first reaction is "but that's not worship"- hmm, is it?)
(And yes, commitment is totally out of the question, because the trust isn't there. I don't trust Them.)
Looking at myself from 10 years ago, I don't feel like "it's tragic", so maybe that means I've come far enough away from evangelicalism that I can start to see some of these things in a more positive light. I feel like, "She loved God with all her heart, and there's something real and beautiful about that. He inspired her, and He also held her back- and when she realized that He was holding her back, she left Him."
I don't know. Complicated feelings about this- or rather, complicated feelings as I attempt to make sense of the fact that I'm enjoying the song, just totally enjoying it without complicated feelings.
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Related:
"Moon Knight" and Boundaries With God
Katy Perry's God-Given Freedom
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