Straight Aces

A man and woman holding hands. Image source.

Being a straight asexual (straight ace) is ... interesting. In this post I want to talk about the unique challenges that straight aces face. The asexual community is diverse- there are gay aces, bi aces, aro aces, trans aces, cis aces, and so on, and each group has its own needs. I can't speak for the other groups within the asexual community; this post is just about my own experiences and observations as a cis straight ace.

Here are 3 difficulties that straight asexuals may have to deal with:

1. Finding out asexuality is a thing

Straight aces are less likely than lesbian/gay/bi/pan aces to even have access to information about asexuality. If you're already in the queer community because of what gender(s) you're attracted to, then it's likely that you will hear about asexuality because it's also a queer identity. But for straight people... if they haven't really dedicated themselves to learning more about queerness in order to be a good ally, then would they even hear about asexuality at all?

Knowing asexuality exists, and coming out to yourself- that's the first step, and that can be a hard step for straight aces.

2. Being straight in queer spaces

I don't know of any meetup groups specifically for asexuals where I live, but fortunately there are some queer groups that I enjoy being part of here. But I always feel like, am I taking up too much space as a straight person here? I talk about my life, I'm married, I have a husband, I have a son- is that something I shouldn't talk about too much in queer spaces?

Nobody has ever said anything negative to me about it, but I still worry. And I am sure that a lot of people who attend these queer groups don't realize that it's possible to be both straight and queer. It takes a certain amount of confidence to just be honest and not hide my straightness and not let it bother me if some people have misconceptions about it. (Also depends on the culture of the group itself- it helps that the group leaders have explicitly said that asexuals are queer.)

I feel like, if it was a group just for asexuals, then being straight and asexual is totally not an issue at all- like, nobody would think that was unusual. But if it's a group of people from various queer identities, some of them are going to wonder what is up with the straight person.

3. You can fit into all society's expectations about gender and relationships- except the sex part- and that makes it so difficult to figure out what's "wrong"

Some aces don't figure it out until they're already married and have been having sex for years. 

Some aces- like me- come from a conservative religious background, and are taught "of course you won't have sex before marriage, and then when you're married, you HAVE TO have sex with your husband. Women don't like sex, but TOO BAD, you have to." And I think it can be too easy and tragic for straight women aces to buy right into that, to think this is just the way it is, women just don't like sex, but you have to have sex with your husband.

Or, I have heard a lot of aces talk about how as teenagers, they couldn't figure out why everyone seemed so interested in sex. Was everyone just pretending to be interested in sex because of peer pressure? And they end up having sex they don't want, because they don't realize that the reason other people are having sex is THEY ACTUALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX... Pro tip: If you don't understand why people would want to have sex, that's a sign that having sex is not the right thing for you. I would say, don't worry that you're missing out on some amazing experience and feel like you should try it anyway... if you're really worried about that, then try masturbating, and then think about if you would like to do that same sort of thing but with another person. If it still doesn't make any sense, then yeah, not having sex is the right choice for you.

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In my unscientific opinion, I would guess that the majority of asexuals and people who would benefit from IDing as asexual if they knew what it was, are straight and cis. Simply because the majority of people in general are straight and cis. (Though no, I don't believe the proportions are exactly the same- the asexual tendency to question and analyze everything probably leads to more aces IDing as not straight and not cis than in the general population...) 

I worry about the straight aces, because our straightness makes us blend in "too well", makes us very nearly "not queer enough" to have access to extremely necessary information about asexuality.

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Related:

Finding My (Asexual, Straight, Married) Place in the Queer Community

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This post is part of the January 2022 Carnival of Aces. The topic is "Divergence and Convergence."