Would I follow the Old Testament God?

I'm a Christian, so I've always had to pretend to be okay with it. I've always had to pretend that everything God did in the Old Testament was just peachy.

In college, at bible studies with other Christians, it was okay to ask questions like "why does this seem so terrible?" Any question was okay. But all the while, in the back of my mind, I had the assumption that by the end of the night, we'd have to slap some answer on it- some "this is perfectly okay because..." like a band-aid. We could ask the questions, but it seems we weren't allowed to insist that those answers were inadequate and frankly, terrible. That's the assumption I had at the time, anyway.

And when I invited non-Christian friends to study the bible with me, it was hard to pick Old Testament passages to study. All through the Old Testament, people keep getting killed, and I won't know what to say if my friends ask why. Dude, I'm trying to show them that the God of the Bible is great and totally worth believing in. But if he's a God who kills people for no good reason? Yeah, my friends would probably want to stay as far away from that as possible.

But I don't have a choice, because I'm a Christian. I have to pretend it's fine- that it's even, somehow, a good thing.

But now, for the first time in my life, I'm willing to ask this question: If I was unbiased, if I wasn't required to profess love for him, would I choose to follow the God of the Old Testament?

If I just read the Old Testament like it was any other book, would I think, "wow, I hope this is true- I really want to follow a God like this!"?

Let that sink in for a moment.

"They devoted the city to the Lord and destroyed with the sword every living thing in it- men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys." Image source.

To be honest, Psalm 80 reads like a desperate cry for help from someone emotionally tangled up with and dependent on another person who doesn't care. Yeah in the past, things were good ("You transplanted a vine from Egypt; you drove out the nations and planted it") but now, where is God?

And God hurts them ("Your vine is cut down, it is burned with fire; at your rebuke your people perish") and doesn't answer and doesn't save, and yet the psalmist is so wrapped up in this idea of God's care... he has nowhere else to go. He's helpless. He feels his only option is to beg God for help- a God who is under no obligation to answer or do anything.

If I were an outside observer, would I start asking excitedly "oh man, how do I convert to this religion?!!!"

Image source.

To be honest, there's so much I love about the Old Testament. How people are made in the image of God, and God called it "very good." How he set up laws to help the poor. The prophets who spoke against oppression. The verse that says God wants us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with him. And all of Isaiah 58. Etc.

But you have to sift through a lot of horrifying violence- much of it commanded by God- in order to find those fantastic bits.

Is it worth it?

I guess I need to find out. I guess I need to read the Old Testament all over again, but this time without making excuses for God's behavior.

I've heard Christians say many times that God wants us to be honest with him. 

Let's see just how far I can push it. Let's see if the Old Testament God is any good.

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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 80. To read other people's posts, click here: Make Your Face Shine on Us.

Blogaround

Resistance is futile. Image source.

1. My Face is Not a Halloween Costume (posted October 29) "They tell their parents they're scared or hide behind their parents' legs. Honestly, this saddens me; I don't want to scare anyone. I think that it's because they've not seen people with visible differences before, but I also believe it's because they have seen masks and screen characters who are depicted as evil."

2. Did Jesus have a wife? I wouldn’t touch that with a 10-foot shepherd’s staff, but I know someone who will (posted October 28) "I kept waiting for the professional historians to step into the conversation and tell us that marriage for romance is a recent invention and that Jesus’ marital status would have been in the hands of his parents."

3. Single and not waiting (posted October 24) "I’ve wasted my time, my energy, and my emotions on this concept that singleness is just a waiting room for a relationship. I’m tired of this view that my life begins when I wake up next to my husband, because I’m pretty sure my life began 23 years ago when my mom gave birth."

4. Evangelical 'Hell Houses' Still a Thing This Year, Now With Additional Creepiness (posted October 29) So... what the hell? I did not know that was a thing.

5. Trans blogger catches California Christian group in second harassment lie (posted October 29)

6. To Flatten A Heroine: Artist Puts Disney Princess Filter On 10 Real Life Female Role Models (posted October 31)

7. Is “God’s Not Dead” The First Movie Based On A Facebook Meme? (posted October 24) Cringe.

8. This horse's Halloween costume:

Image source.

9. Even Klansmen have their angels. (posted October 30) "At least the man's son had the decency to thank Ms. Thomas for literally saving his father's life."

10. No, Christianity Today, These Women Do Not Have a ‘Porn Problem’ (posted October 25) "The problem isn’t that they’re addicted to porn. The problem is that they fear any kind of sexual pleasure that doesn’t involve a husband. That’s *far* more damaging that wanting to watch late-night HBO when you’re a teenager."

Adventures in Sexy Halloween Costumes

Of course I had never worn a sexy Halloween costume before this year. Because they are "immodest" and therefore evil.

But, you know, I'm on tao bao (Chinese equivalent to ebay) trying to pick out a costume for my school's Halloween party. (We teach the students English, and we also teach them a bit about Western culture, so OBVIOUSLY there needs to be a Halloween party.) There are so many cute costumes... and you know I'm thinking those women are so beautiful, and those costumes would look so good on me... I'm young and skinny and beautiful and I really love how I look. I want to wear stuff like that.

(You know, ever since I ditched modesty, I've been so happy that I'm free to say, "She's really beautiful" rather than judge other women for wearing the "immodest" stuff I wish I was allowed to wear.)

So, encouraged by my coworkers, who assured me I would look incredibly cute in many of those costumes, I picked one out and ordered it.

Here's what I bought, female Captain America:

Image source.

I mean, she's beautiful, right? (No no, she's totally evil for wearing that and being so inconsiderate to the men whose minds are being attacked by her sexiness, plus she doesn't respect herself, she just wants attention from men.) (Wow I'm so glad I ditched modesty culture so I don't have to think stuff like that any more.)

It came in the mail, I opened up the package and my first thought was "oh no, I ordered a child's size by mistake." Haha, no this is the adult woman costume, honey. "One size fits most."

Okay so I tried it on. Well goodness, I look freaking beautiful. I pretty much look like the woman in the picture- tall and skinny (and no cleavage). Put on my high heels and everything. Oh man I felt so good, strutting around my little apartment.

However. The skirt is incredibly short. My underwear might show when I sit down or move or whatever. So I reasoned that I had 3 options:

1. Wear something under it- shorts or leggings, maybe, so no one sees my underwear.
2. Make peace with the fact that people might happen to catch a glimpse of my underwear.
3. Be paranoid and careful throughout the entire party, avoiding any movement that might perhaps cause my skirt to move slightly.

And wow, I suddenly realized, every woman who dresses "immodest" (normal people use words like cute, hot, sexy, beautiful) probably thinks carefully about stuff like that, and makes a decision about what exactly she wants to show and not show. 

Of course I used to imagine she would just think "haha I don't respect my body, WHATEVERRRRRRR" and totally not care who saw what.

Like, you're already wearing this evil immodest thing, you have no right to set a boundary and not let people see your underwear. (Wow if that's not rape culture, I don't know what is. Asking for it...)

So I talked it over with my sister, who said the dress would be fine as-is just for a regular party, but since I was going to a party at my job, with my boss there and me being a teacher and stuff, I should get some leggings. She said if it was her, she wouldn't want her boss to see her underwear. (My boss is a woman- is that relevant here? No, still wouldn't want my boss to see my underwear.)

I've never had to think about stuff like this before, you guys!

I told my sister, "but I want to be sexy" and she said "if you get some tight leggings it will still be sexy." OH MY GOODNESS! Do you know how many rules I broke by saying "I want to be sexy"? And wow, the idea that tight clothing is good- completely mind-blowing. Completely immodest.

Okay so I bought some blue leggings. And I still look great, I'll have you know.

So the day of the Halloween party came. When students started showing up in costumes- my students are adults, mostly in their 20s and 30s- I went into the back room and got changed into mine. I came out and was immediately made aware of Captain America's Chinese name (美国队长 měiguó duìzhǎng) because the students were all impressed and telling me I was beautiful and such- I was turning heads. And everyone was taking pictures with their phones. (Not just me- anyone with a good costume got mobbed by paparazzi.)

I knew I was beautiful. And I totally didn't worry at all about "what if my skirt comes up" or whatever- actually I totally forgot about it. I had the blue leggings so no worries. So happy.

And there you have it. My very very first time daring to be sexy in public. My very very first time unashamedly, explicitly saying I want to look sexy. Sure, there have been formal dances I've attended, where I wore amazing dresses and looked incredibly beautiful- but I always felt guilty for indulging my desire to be beautiful. It's mean to the guys, you know.

My body is freaking beautiful and I want to look amazing- something totally not allowed in Modesty Land.

It feels so good to be immodest.

It feels so good to dress for myself, not for guys.

Maybe the Old Testament God isn't the Worst God Ever?

So here's a question: What if the violence God did in the Old Testament was to punish people for doing bad things to other people, instead of being the wrong religion?

As Psalm 79:6-7 says,
"Pour out your wrath on the nations
    that do not acknowledge you,
on the kingdoms
    that do not call on your name;
for they have devoured Jacob
    and devastated his homeland."

Not "for they follow the wrong gods" or anything like that. No, it's because of the war crimes committed against Israel.

Another example: Amos 1. Judgment is prophesied against many of the nearby nations, and the reasons given are all massive human-rights violations: killing civilians, forcing people into slavery.

(However, Amos 2 gets around to condemning the nation of Judah- God's people- for not keeping God's law. Seems like they're held to a different/higher standard?)

When Israel's God commanded his people not to follow other gods, perhaps it was because of what other religions did, not because "hey if you refer to God by the wrong name then you make him very angry." The Old Testament mentions two incredibly shady aspects of the other religions at the time: temple prostitution and human sacrifice.

Temple prostitution:

Passages explicitly mentioning temple prostitutes: Deuteronomy 23:17 ,1 Kings 14:24, 2 Kings 23:7 (why are all of these about male prostitutes? I'm assuming it's because female prostitutes were normal, so they didn't bother to write that part down?)

Passages which used terms related to prostitution as a metaphor for following other gods: Exodus 34:15-16 plus commentary, 2 Chronicles 21:13, Isaiah 57:5 plus commentary, Jeremiah 2:20, etc, this theme comes up a lot. So, I'm going with the assumption that talk of lust and adultery was not just a metaphor for God's people chasing other gods, but that their religious practices actually involved having sex.

(Wait a minute... I'm starting to think this is totally not a metaphor at all... wow I've been reading the bible completely wrong.)

I'm not sure how exactly the temple prostitution worked, but given the patriarchal culture of the time, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was not very nice to women.

(see also the wikipedia page on sacred prostitution)

Human sacrifice:

Worship of the god Molech involved sacrificing children. That is MESSED-UP, dude.

See this list for biblical mentions of Molek.

Also this list of references about sacrificing sons and daughters.

This is not really the best thing to be googling late at night. Image source.

So, if this were true, if the people God killed in the Old Testament were all guilty of horrific human-rights violations, that would make the God of the Old Testament kind of reasonable and not the worst God ever.

But.

But this can't account for everything. Sure, crimes like this were occurring- but do you really think every single man, woman, and child killed by God's punishments was personally involved in these crimes?

Why was God's response just about killing and punishment? What about trying to help the victims?

Does it make any sense to say, "Some of the people in [place] are mistreating other people in [place], so we should punish this crime by killing everyone in [place]"?

It's like God/ the biblical authors see it as "well these things are happening so that society is totally messed up- gotta totally get rid of it."

And the religion that Israel's God established still commanded genocide and horrible stuff like that. This theory doesn't make it all better.

But I really do think the problem was that different religions were actually different, and had religious practices that hurt other people, and that's what made God angry. Not worshiping in a temple that's a different shape or whatever.

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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 79. To read other people's posts, click here: Where is Jesus?

Blogaround

Image source.

1. ordeal of the bitter waters, part five (posted October 15) "To me, that’s the only thing this passage could mean; God had created a ritual that forced abortions in order to prove a woman’s guilt."

2. The 12 Types of Procrastinators (posted September 14) Yep.

3. Happy Reformation Sunday!

Source.

4. Beyond Tribal Theology (posted October 24) I like this graphic because it says I'm still a Christian, just as Christian as conservative Christians.

The People Are Many

The subway pulled into the station, and the doors opened. It was packed- people all the way up to the doorway, and none of them got off. So we pushed. The people in front of me, who had been waiting, pushed into the subway car, and I pushed them, and people behind pushed me, and I heard “Move! Move!” in Chinese.

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In English we say “It’s crowded.” In Chinese we say “人多(rén duō).” 人(rén) means “people” and 多(duō) means “a lot.” Literally, “The people are many.”

But it bothers me. Complaining that “it’s crowded”- this place is crowded- it’s a problem with the place. But when you say “人多(rén duō),” 人(rén) is the subject of the sentence. Like it’s a problem with the people. Like we don’t like people or something. It feels so dehumanizing to me. (Yes I know that Chinese people don’t think of it that way, because this is a completely normal thing to say in Chinese. I’ll get used to it eventually.)

I didn’t get a seat on the bus because 人多(rén duō). I had to wait in line and missed my train because 人多(rén duō). There’s so much traffic because 人多(rén duō). The concept of “personal space” doesn’t exist in China because 人多(rén duō). I took one look at the line outside the museum and decided it wasn’t worth it because 人多(rén duō). People stampede onto the subway car in the hopes of grabbing one of the few seats (AND IT TERRIFIES ME) because 人多(rén duō). Hang on tight to your purse because 人多(rén duō).

So when I go out with friends, we hope that 人(rén) aren’t 多(duō). Going to the park in the daytime is nice because 人(rén) aren’t 多(duō). We had a great time sightseeing because 人(rén) weren’t 多(duō). I hope 人(rén) aren’t 多(duō) on the subway so I can get a seat.

Doesn’t it kind of sound like I hate people? Like, these people are just trying to get to work, or enjoy their vacation, or go to a restaurant, just like me. They didn’t do anything wrong. But we don’t like how they’re so 多(duō).

The way I see it, it’s not that there are too many people in China, it’s that the space is too small.

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There are little sparrows here, just like in America. They look exactly the same. And it’s nice, something familiar, a reminder of home.

And when I see a sparrow flitting about, I remember what Jesus said: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care." Sometimes I feel so small and lost in a sea of people, but God cares about me. He sees every sparrow. And he cares about every person. Each and every one of the 1.3 billion people in China.

And I want to love like God, but I know I just can’t. I just can’t. Not when the people are many.

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You know what’s annoying? When I’m trying to buy myself an ice cream cone, but there are too many fearfully-and-wonderfully-made people, created in the image of God, each one with their own desires and dreams and fears, completely known and loved by God, and so it takes freaking FOREVER to get my ice cream.

I live in a huge city. I’ve never lived in a city as big as this. And the reality is, I have to view random strangers in public mainly as obstacles I need to navigate in order to meet my day-to-day needs. As much as I’d love to see people as God does, I just can’t. No human brain can do that. It’s completely mind-blowing and overwhelming.

Because the people are many.

I’m not God, I can’t be God, and I think it would be very unhealthy to even try. Every time I see a person, to think “here is a person created in the image of God, known and loved by him, isn’t that great, let’s pray that God would bless him/her,” and then feel guilty when I can’t keep up with it when 12 people get out of the elevator... No, my brain can’t handle that. No human can.

(Also I have to think about my own safety, before just trying to "love everyone." There's a small minority of people who would like to take advantage of me... I have to be aware of that rather than just naively thinking I can "love everyone"- because I'm not God.)

On the one hand, maybe this is good because it shows me how God’s love is so unimaginably massive. You know, more unimaginably massive than the population of China.

But on the other hand, I don’t want to see people as obstacles. I don’t want to be so overwhelmed that I can’t feel love toward my brothers and sisters.

I can’t love everybody. I just can’t. God can, but I can’t. And I know that it’s okay- God made humans limited like that. Just love a few people at a time- friends and family- and that will be enough. (And maybe pray, “God, bless EVERYBODY. Amen.”) That’s all I can do.

Because God made the people many.

Chinese Food (Photo Dump)

And here's this month's edition of "what Perfect Number has been eating in China":

番茄炒蛋 (fānqié chǎo dàn) Fried tomatos and eggs.

Whoa cool, ice cream! That looks really good! Ummm, no actually, this is mashed potatoes. That was not a typo: this is mashed potatoes. Cold mashed potatoes with some kind of sweet blueberry sauce and a cherry on top. WHYYYYYYYY WOULD YOU DO THAT????? My 2 Chinese friends who were with me also thought it was incredibly bizarre.

Kiwi and yogurt for breakfast.

Fancy coffee.

奶茶(nǎi chá) In English, I guess this is called "milk tea" or "bubble tea," but uh, I haven't had it in America so I don't know.

Some fast food from a cafeteria-style place. Tofu, horrible-tasting veggies with eggs (I thought they were green peppers. They are not), and rice. Always gotta have rice.

鸡蛋 (jīdàn) Eggs. In a bag? Idk, man. You can also buy them in plastic cartons, which seem much more normal to me as an American.

青椒炒蛋 (qīngjiāo chǎo dàn) Green peppers and eggs. AWESOME!

My attempt at making 番茄炒蛋 (fānqié chǎo dàn) fried tomatos and eggs. They came out okay.

鱼香肉丝 (yú xiāng ròu sī) Shredded pork and veggies.

芒果冰沙 (mángguǒ bīng shā) Mango smoothie.

炒饭 (chǎofàn) Fried rice.

Okay so there's this place that makes really awesome crepes. (可丽饼 kě lì bǐng in Chinese, but it's from France so most Chinese people don't know what a 可丽饼 kě lì bǐng is.)

Doesn't that look freakin' delicious? Banana, vanilla ice cream, custard, whipped cream, caramel.

Here is the finished crepe.

TOTALLY AWESOME ICE CREAM!

Pineapple fried rice.

宫保鸡丁 (gōng bǎo jī dīng) Kung pao chicken.

土豆丝 (tǔdòu sī) Shredded potatoes. And some mysterious type of meatball.

I bought this mysterious vegetable. I have no idea how to cook it.

Fancy coffee.

Pig ears. Kind of chewy... I only ate one.

You guys! Look what I bought!

I'm so freaking happy!

In Chinese, Harry Potter is 哈利波特 (hā lì bō tè). This book is "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets," aka "哈利波特与密室 (hā lì bō tè yǔ mìshì)."

And here's the inside:

So cool! I'm totally gonna read this and be AWESOME at Chinese.

An Illogical Prayer?

You know, we Christians pray this way a lot. And I'm not sure it makes any sense at all.

Basically, the writer of Psalm 77 is crying out to God for help. Pretty desperate- he seems to have some serious problem, though we're not told what it is. Then he gets super-honest, which is great:

"Will the Lord reject forever?
    Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
    Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"

And then he begins to talk about what God has done for the nation of Israel in the past- bringing them out of Egypt, parting the Red Sea, sending Moses and Aaron to lead them. And he finds comfort in that. God's past actions prove him to be faithful, powerful, and loving. Fantastic.

Image source.

But... uh... here's the problem. So... God did an amazing, powerful miracle to rescue all those people... and therefore he should help me? What if he only sees people from a distance and can't see an individual's needs? I mean, yeah he loves people so he'll do these big things that benefit large groups, but what does it matter if one person here or there is suffering?

And that miracle- bringing the Israelites out of Egypt- is such a big deal precisely because it's the kind of thing that doesn't happen every day. How does it make any sense to pray "God help me like you did when you did that miracle"? It's a miracle precisely because God doesn't really ever do that for people.

But I've prayed like this so many times. Something in my life reminds me of a bible story, and I pray for God to move with power like he did in the story. As if my life is so important that it can compare to a biblical epic.

Okay, wait. What if the point of miracles, the meaning behind them, isn't "we're bending the laws of physics how cool is that" but in what they reveal about God's character? And that's why they were written down for us? The bible has these accounts of huge miracles not so we can say "something really amazing happened to a handful of people back in the day, good for them" but so we can learn about who God is- the living God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Maybe? I don't know, just throwing some ideas out here.

Because it is a leap of logic to think that something that happened to a small minority of people in the past should determine how God acts toward me right now. And that's what the writer of Psalm 77 does.

Should we pray like that or not? Why were the miracles in the bible recorded? Miracles are so rare (that's why they're miracles) so do they even matter in our lives at all? And how do we know if God's love is for people in general or actual individual people?

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This post is part of a link-up on the topic of Psalm 77. To read other people's posts, click here: When We Don’t Feel Like Worshipping.

Blogaround

Source.

1. 50 People On ‘The Most Intellectual Joke I Know’ (posted October 1) My favorite is "Q: What does the 'B' in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for? A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot."

2. The Shooting Room, a fascinating math problem/paradox, and here is the reddit discussion on it. Blows my mind.

3. Once Upon a Cheap Hotel Room (posted October 5) "If you ever hear a purity culture Christian saying, 'I’ve never heard of anyone who had premarital sex and didn’t regret it!' you can send them this blog post. I had premarital sex. I don’t regret it."

4. Star Trek Tribble Nerdcraft (posted October 10) I want to make one!

5. How Malala, Teen Activist Shot By Taliban, Made Jon Stewart's Jaw Drop (VIDEO) (posted October 9) Wow.

6. ordeal of the bitter waters, part two (posted October 10) "And that’s when I understood that being pro-life and advocating for the rape exception was wrong. Because, if I’d lived in a system where you have to prove you were raped? I wouldn’t have been able to do it. ... And the thought of living in that world ... it sickens me."