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| Book cover for "The Woman They Wanted" |
When I heard that Shannon Harris, ex-wife of Josh Harris, had written a book, I was very interested in reading it. Recently I was able to get ahold of it, and here's my review. The book is The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife, published in 2023.
If you don't know who Josh Harris is: In 1997, he published the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," which is *the* purity culture book. It says that not only is it bad to have sex before marriage, but dating is *also* bad, and kissing before marriage is *also* bad, and so on. I've never actually read this book, but I was in purity culture long enough that I definitely internalized all of its ideas and also I've seen excerpts.
It's not like Josh Harris *started* purity culture, or anything like that- the cultural trends were already there. But his book became a focal point, and its popularity pushed this "sexual purity" ideology forward, spreading it to more and more churches. Personally I don't blame him, because he was extremely young (late teens or early twenties) and he was just going all-in on what the Christian adults were saying. The blame lies with the whole conservative Christian culture, which picked up a book by a very young, single guy, and trumpeted it like he had found the secrets about how dating is supposed to work. Seriously?
Long long ago, when I had just been through a breakup and I decided I was going to do things "God's way" from now on, I read Josh's second book, "Boy Meets Girl," which is about courtship. Yes, this is a thing in purity culture- dating is bad, and courting is good. [I never used that language myself though- I just called all of it dating, and didn't view "dating" as inherently bad.] Courting means you go about it for the sole purpose of finding someone to marry, under advisement from God and your parents, and basically you should have as little physical contact as possible (no kissing until the wedding day), and try not to have feelings or enjoy yourself. The more you allow yourself to feel feelings of love/attraction to your partner, the more you lose your "emotional purity."
And the book "Boy Meets Girl" is about how to do courting the right way, and how Josh decided to court Shannon, and they followed all of God's rules and therefore they will have a perfect marriage forever.
ANYWAY, 20 years later, Josh Harris made public statements saying he no longer agrees with the things he wrote in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye." And, he is deconstructing and is not a Christian any more. And he and his wife are separating.
There was quite a reaction from the ex-purity-culture community. Some people were very angry at him. I wasn't angry, but I agreed with the criticism that he was making it too much about himself, and he should spend more time really listening to people who were hurt by purity culture.
Anyway I wrote these blog posts back then:
Wishing the Best to Josh Harris and His Ex (2019)
So I Watched Josh Harris's Documentary (2018)
And now we have a book from Shannon, to hear her side of the story.
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Expectations put on Christian wives by the church
The book is mainly about how Shannon was required to fit into this role, the "good Christian wife." (And she was also a pastor's wife, so she was under even more scrutiny.) She wasn't allowed to have her own career, or follow her dreams, or to want things that were outside of this role. She had always wanted to have a career in music, but in the conservative Christian culture she was in, it was just not an option.
In other words, the husband is supposed to follow whatever dream God gives him, and the wife is supposed to support him. The wife can't have dreams of her own, or any kind of meaningful life outside her role supporting her husband and taking care of the home.
So, the book is mainly not about purity culture. There are a few parts which are about purity culture- about her courtship and wedding, about how the reality of marriage didn't match the promises that purity culture gave- but mostly it was about how the church told her she had to fit into this role, as a Christian wife. And a lot of it was enforced by the other pastors' wives.
I should point out, Josh Harris was a pastor at Sovereign Grace Ministries, which is an extremely patriarchal, authoritarian church, led by CJ Mahaney. This church had a scandal about covering up child sexual abuse. This church is much more patriarchal than the churches I've been part of.
On page 53, Shannon says,
In my fifteen-plus years of ministry, I am not certain that a woman at my church, under the leadership of my pastor, would have been supported in leaving her husband for any reason. Not for physical abuse. Not for sexual abuse. Not for emotional abuse, neglect, financial abuse, not even for child abuse, God help us all.
And when the scandals became public and the church split, and different pastors ended up on different sides of the split, Shannon's friendships with those pastors' wives just completely vanished into nothing- these people who had been her closest friends, who had spent years supporting each other and being involved in each other's personal lives. Shannon says this on page 132:
The church split and all that came with it devastated me. My whole world just crumbled in an instant. Relationships I'd build my life around just turned to dust in my hands. CJ and Carolyn were not the people I thought they were. The abrupt loss of friendship felt like multiple deaths at once. And the hypocrisy of it all was too much to take. To have heard the words forgiveness and grace in hundreds of sermons, thousands of prayers, in every quote, every song, at every meeting and then to discover that in real life it had no impact on our actual relationships... I had never experienced something so deeply and profoundly disturbing in all my life.
I will say- though I haven't been in churches as patriarchal as this one- in my experience in Christian culture, it's definitely *a thing* that "pastor's wife" is a job. Like, it's just taken for granted that when a church hires a pastor, they will also get his wife doing a bunch of work- for free- for the church.
(You might ask, but what about women pastors? What about queer people? What about unmarried men? What if the pastor gets divorced? Well, the churches where "pastor's wife" is a job are also the churches that don't want to hire women, queer people, or unmarried men, and where a male pastor would likely lose his job if he gets divorced.)
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On their courting, wedding, and marriage
In the book, Shannon talks about when she and Josh were "courting," and how their relationship wasn't about them, it was about all the expectations put on them, and the way that other Christians would see them. Here's Joshua Harris, the poster child for purity culture, the one who told everyone else all the things they were doing wrong while dating, and he's now in a romantic relationship. He has to do everything perfectly. Everyone is watching. He has to be a role model. No mistakes.
They did not have any physical contact, "except for hand-holding and the occasional hug." (page 58) This was a more restrictive rule than Josh had advocated in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," but he was seen as a role model so he had a higher standard for himself. Notice the underlying purity-culture logic here: Any amount of touching at all, while dating, is bad. There's a tension between following the rules (don't touch, don't fall in love, don't enjoy yourself), and following your own feelings and desires. The "feelings and desires" part is inherently bad and should be minimized as much as possible, but people aren't perfect, people are weak, and realistically the average purity-minded couple is going to settle in some middle ground (for example, hug and kiss but don't have sex)- but it would be *better* if they did *less* physical stuff. A leader should be more to the "don't do anything" side than the average person.
Okay, but try this on for size: What if it's *good* to touch each other when you're dating? What if you're causing unhealthy patterns in your relationship by repressing yourself and viewing your desires as bad? But these questions are so far outside the logic of purity culture. In purity culture, less touching is automatically better.
(And they got engaged after just 10 weeks of courting.)
Shannon says she didn't buy into purity culture, but she followed the rules because she was in love with Josh, and this was what was required in order for her to be with him. At their wedding, the pastor gave a speech about how they hadn't even kissed, and how great that was, and Shannon was really unhappy about it. She had invited friends who weren't part of the church, and she felt it was "an evangelistic or moral sales pitch" (p 83) that made them uncomfortable.
It's interesting how Shannon didn't have a church background, and didn't seem to really believe all of the teaching about purity, about what women are supposed to do, about being required to read the bible every day, etc. She just did it because she was married to Josh and so this is the role that their church put her into.
The way this book portrays the reality of marriage, it's so different from what purity culture says. (The book doesn't discuss this comparison; this is just my take here.) In purity culture, it's like, when you're single and unattached, you're safe, and when you're married and it's totally guaranteed you're going to be with your spouse forever, you're safe. But in the middle, the process of getting from "single" to "married," the part where you're dating, and you're getting emotionally close to this person that you might later break up with, that's a tightrope walk, fraught with danger. Every action you take that gets you closer to your partner erodes your purity. Stick to the mission- gathering information that will tell you if it's a good idea to marry this person or not/ if God wants you to marry this person or not. Keep emotional and physical intimacy to a minimum. If you break up, that's horrible.
In purity logic, all that matters is how much "purity" you have (and how much "purity" you've lost), listening to God telling you if this is the person you're supposed to be with, and whether you're in a relationship structure that has the risk of breakup or not. (Ie, dating/courting has the risk of breakup, marriage does not, so once you're married, you're safe.)
But "The Woman They Wanted" is about what marriage was *actually like* for Shannon. It's not like, just because you marry the person you love, everything is great. Shannon says their marriage wasn't healthy for her because she was never fully accepted for who she was. Her whole self. She was forced to fit into this role, the good Christian wife. Before meeting Josh, she had friends outside the church, she had dated other guys and had sex, she had a ring from an ex-boyfriend that was special to her- and all of those things were treated as bad and wrong, like she had to just pretend those parts of herself didn't exist, or at least feel shame about them. She was pressured into getting rid of the ex-boyfriend's ring. She wasn't allowed to have her best friends at her wedding. She was shamed for not being a "virgin."
From page 85:
I wish I could have seen that I was not respected, or accepted as the real, whole me. Not by the church or my husband. The only parts of me they accepted were the parts that were useful or made these men look good. I was accepted provided that I threw away any visible signs of the past me. I was accepted as long as I did what I was told.
Yeah, in purity culture, anything you did in your past that was against "the rules", you have to confess to your spouse, and you have to feel guilty about it. It's seen as all bad. There's no 'those experiences mattered to me, and made me who I am.' No, it's just all bad.
One more thing I want to say about the wedding. Also from page 85:
What I can tell you is that it was crowded on the stage where I gave my vows. The man I chose was already betrothed to an audience and a pastor. Our relationship was subservient to those two relationships, and unfortunately, it remained that way throughout our marriage.
This reminds me from a scene in "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," a bride and groom standing at the altar, and then a line of women come up and stand beside the groom. These are his ex-girlfriends, and he has given each of them a piece of his heart, and therefore can't fully love his bride. She is heartbroken, and he feels so guilty but there's nothing he can do. This is supposed to terrify the reader and convince us that it's bad to date and break up. The idea that when you get married, all these exes still have some kind of hold on you or your spouse.
But the real reason it was "crowded on the stage" when Josh and Shannon got married doesn't have anything to do with "purity" at all. Nothing to do with who may or may not have had sex with whom. It was because Josh was doing what his pastor and his church wanted him to do, and therefore couldn't fully support his wife with all of her needs and her dreams. The reality is a lot more complicated and boring than what purity culture says. It's not like if you just don't have sex, don't kiss, don't fall in love too early, then your marriage is automatically great. You actually have to value your spouse for who they are, accept them, support them.
(Finding a partner who does that is a completely different thing than finding a partner who is a "virgin.")
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"It's fine"
My favorite part of the book was this section from pages 157-158. This is after Josh and Shannon were feeling really burned out from their pastoring job(s) and decided to take a break. They moved to Vancouver and Josh started going to seminary- a seminary which was *not* super conservative. They got out of that bubble and began to experience a different kind of life.
Beliefs and principles we'd spent years of our life upholding were slipping away with no acknowledgement or fanfare, and it made me angry, since I'd exhausted myself upholding these ideas. For instance, kids and communion. Our church wanted children to wait to take communion until they were old enough to make a profession of faith. Before then, it was discouraged. When my children were young and would ask why they could not take communion, I struggled to make sense of this for them. It felt like I was saying, Well, honey, Jesus died for everyone, but for some people we need to see some proof of ID first. It just didn't sound right coming out of my mouth.
My daughter and I must have had a hundred bedtime conversations where she would share her fears about her faith with me. She was so afraid that she wouldn't reach or attain this proof that our religion insisted was the one and only sign of true faith. She was anxious she would never come to believe the same things as her own family. I hated to watch her struggle in this way, and at the same time I loved her honesty.
Fast-forward to some random church in Vancouver we've visited maybe three times, and out of nowhere their dad tells the kids to go ahead and take communion because it's fine. It's fine? I felt gut punched. I had held her off for fourteen years because she was supposed to be "born again" and all of a sudden that didn't matter? My daughter was confused and angry.
That wasn't the only place where the rules seemed to change overnight. The issue of women and work was another one that I couldn't just brush off. This was the defining feature of our church back home and the reason I set my dreams down on a block of cold ice.
But when my husband began suggesting it would be a good idea for me to get a part-time job, I felt an intense anger rise up in me instantly. Each time we'd end up in a circular argument headed for nowhere. It wasn't that I was against working or helping. I was against changing on a dime, beliefs that had come at great cost to me without a note of appreciation or an acknowledgement that we were ditching them. What happened to "This is a God-ordained belief" signed by Jesus in red-blood ink? Now that we needed the money, God was suddenly willing to renegotiate the terms?
These beliefs had cost me dearly. I'd been "busy at home" our entire married life. I'd modeled this kind of wife to thousands of women. I had given so much of myself to be the woman they wanted and I wouldn't, I couldn't pretend that it didn't matter.
This is so real. Following rules that you don't totally agree with, but you do them anyway because people are making a big huge deal about how important they are, and you sacrifice a lot to follow these rules, and you even enforce them on other people, and then suddenly the powers-that-be say we're not doing that- like pretending it never happened. Of course you would be angry about that.
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Where was God in this book?
God is not mentioned much in this book. It's not like "my church told me I have to follow all these rules- but then God showed me that God wants me to be free instead." Instead, Shannon's advice about becoming free is about knowing yourself, knowing your own needs, making the choices that are right for you- doing that just because you are allowed to do that, not because God gives you permission. You don't need permission.
Probably the book will get criticized for that. Christians want the story to be about one church misrepresenting what God said, and if you are *truly* following God then it's a *different* set of rules which is good and life-giving. That's very much not the story in this book! And Shannon seems to be way past the point of caring if Christians like it or not- good for her!
There is some language in this book about how following your dream is "what you were created to do." But nothing that *explicitly* says God helped her / wanted her to get out of that restrictive environment.
Page 235 says,
I don't know if God exists, but if so, then I have a feeling God is like music.
Good for her!
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Conclusion
This book has a lot of good things to say about being allowed to have feelings and follow your dreams. You deserve to have people care about that. (And, now that Shannon is divorced, she *does* have her own music career, under the name Shannon Bonne.)
Shannon was part of a Christian culture which explicitly taught that wives are supposed to just support their husbands' dreams, and can't have dreams of their own, or a career. My experience wasn't like that- I wasn't really in church spaces where that was stated explicitly, but I *was* taught that God made men and women differently, for different roles- and all of us have to give up our dreams and desires and follow God's plan- but what that ends up looking like for women is it's seen as invalid if she has a desire to do something that's a "man's" role, like being a leader, whereas if a man has that same desire, it must be from God and he should pursue it.
So I bet different churches end up at different places in terms of the question "how much of it is the idea that every Christian must sacrifice things which are truly important to them, and submit to God's plan, and how much of it is the idea that women's role is to support men?" At any rate, I *don't* think it's healthy that a religion teaches people it's normal and expected that they can't have the things they deeply desire- that God wants them to sacrifice that- whether it's being taught in a gendered way or not.
The book also did a good job showing the subtleties of how Christian wives within this culture are limited. Many times, it wasn't like the church explicitly said "women can't do this", but created a setting where women would internalize this idea of not trying to do anything for themselves, and therefore it wouldn't even occur to them to think about what options and choices they had.
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Related:
Wishing the Best to Josh Harris and His Ex
So I Watched Josh Harris's Documentary
Men have no idea what it's like for women in complementarian churches
Yep, That's Exactly What a Perfect, Godly, Pure Relationship Would Look Like
"Pure": A Book About the Aftermath of Purity Culture
The World of "Pride and Prejudice" is Not the World of Purity Culture
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