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Here's a recent article by S. Baum, on the blog "Erin in the Morning": 11th Circuit Court Finds Florida School Was Not Obligated to Forcibly Out Trans Students. It's about a case related to whether or not a school should be required to notify a student's parents if the student starts using a different name/pronouns. I'm glad to see that in this particular news story, the court ruled that the school is not required to out trans students.
I want to talk about this topic because everybody is missing the point of these kinds of policies, and why trans people and allies don't want schools to forcibly out trans kids.
Basically, this is being misrepresented like this: When we say schools shouldn't be required to notify the parents, that means we *want* this to be kept from the parents. That means school counselors are saying, to kids who are exploring gender and transness, "don't tell your parents!"
It's very reasonable that parents see news articles about this and don't like it! A parent is imagining that their kid is going to school, being pressured into exploring a different gender identity, and everyone is being all shifty about it, going to great lengths to keep it a secret from the parents. Of course parents are unhappy about policies which are described in these terms.
But here's what trans people and allies actually want: In general, kids SHOULD tell their parents, if they're questioning their gender identity.
- For kids who have parents who are openly supportive of trans people, yes, absolutely, the kid should tell their parents.
- For kids who have parents who are supportive of their kid in general, but maybe don't know very much about trans issues, yeah the kid should tell them- but also, you can understand why the kid would be nervous about it, and should think about the best way to go about it.
- For kids who have some anti-trans views, but are generally open to listening to their kid, and maybe would end up changing their minds and being accepting when it's their own kid, yes, probably the kid should tell them. But this is sort of a difficult situation. It makes sense if the kid wants to wait a little bit before telling them.
- For kids whose parents would kick them out/ cut them off from all their friends/ make them go to conversion therapy/ pull them out of school if they found out their kid was trans, the kid should NOT tell their parents. This is about safety. It is not safe for the kid, if the parents find out the kid is possibly trans.
When we say schools shouldn't forcibly out trans kids to their parents, mainly we are thinking about this last category- the parents who are going to punish the kid or force them to pretend they're not trans. We are thinking about safety, for trans kids who are in a bad situation like that. Yes, this is a real thing- parents really do kick their kid out for being trans or queer, or make their home life so unbearable that the kid decides to leave. And also, for the other situations I mentioned, where the kid *should* tell their parents, it should be the kid who tells them, not the school. The kid has to carefully consider when and how to tell them.
In general, the kid *should* tell their parents. It should be the kid who does it, not the school. Maybe not immediately- let the kid figure out for themself when it's the right time. And there are some situations where it's not safe if the parents find out- in those cases, you do need to keep it a secret from the parents.
THIS should be our messaging about this. I am so boggled about why it's not. Conservatives- and also normal parents horrified by the idea of their kid being pressured into living a double life- misrepresent or misunderstand this as "don't tell your parents!" Why aren't trans people and allies consistently responding with "In general, the kid SHOULD tell their parents, on their own time- we are just concerned about rare cases where it's not safe to do so"? What is going on here?
We want kids who are exploring their gender identity to tell their parents! We want the parents to support and help them. Why is the message not coming across?
Is it because trans people and allies think it's obvious that in general kids should tell their parents about this, and the concern is only about situations where that wouldn't be safe? No, it's not obvious. People hear "the school shouldn't notify the parents when the kid wants to use different pronouns" and understand that to mean "we don't want the parents to find out"- can you blame them? I think it's very understandable that people would interpret it that way.
Are we trying to make it clear that in general kids should tell their parents, and the message just isn't getting through? It's getting drowned out by the right-wing media deliberately misrepresenting this? Maybe that's what's going on. Maybe people are trying to emphasize this point, and I just haven't seen it?
Or is this some kind of... hesitancy to make claims about what's "normal" or true "in general" or what's a "rare situation"???????
Or is it because the people who are most upset about schools not being required to notify them are the exact people that it's not safe to tell about this- and so the "but what if it's not safe for these trans kids if their parents found out" argument is sort of lost on them?
(The real message should be: Parent your kid in such a way that your kid knows it's safe to talk to you about this, and that they should talk to you because you'll help and support them.)
I see this same kind of thing with so many different issues:
- No-fault divorce: Does this mean that we think people *should* get divorced for no reason? No. Obviously people should have a reason if they choose to get divorced- but they shouldn't be required to prove before a court that it's a "good enough reason"- this is harmful to people trapped in abusive marriages.
- Abortion at any time during pregnancy: Does this mean that we *want* 9-months-pregnant women, 2 days before their due date, after months of feeling their unborn baby's little feet kicking them, to suddenly get an abortion for no reason? No! Of course not! No one should do that! And, good news, no one is doing that. When people talk about abortion late in pregnancy, this is about rare and tragic situations where there's suddenly some terrible health problem.
- Permission from the husband when a woman wants to get her tubes tied: No, it should not be a policy to require permission from the husband. Does this mean that a married woman *should* be sneaking off to get surgery to get her tubes tied, without her husband knowing about it? No, of course not. In general, this should be something that the couple discusses together and comes to an agreement on. But in those rare situations where they can't, the woman should be allowed to make her own choices about her own body.
When we say "you shouldn't be required to get approval from [person who has a close relationship to you and is likely affected by what you are doing]" we don't mean "you SHOULDN'T tell them, you should sneak around and lie about it." No, don't do that! You should tell them! In most circumstances, of course you should tell them! You know the status of your own relationships with your family/partner/etc, and you are the one who should make the decision on how and when to tell them- or, in rare cases, if it's not safe to tell them at all. There shouldn't be an external system *requiring* this, though, because that's harmful for people in these bad edge cases.
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