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| A bunch of pins colored like various LGBTQIA flags. Image source. |
Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"
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2 weeks ago. I wrote The Great Sex Rescue: Lust (about chapter 5 of The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended [affiliate link]) but I have 1 more thing I want to say about this chapter.
So, the writers of "The Great Sex Rescue" are responding to the common evangelical teaching that lust is a "battle" that "all men" have to fight every day. Evangelical resources about lust have all kinds of anecdotes about how distressing it is for men to see women existing in public "immodestly." Well, the writers of "The Great Sex Rescue" don't buy this. They say it doesn't have to be a "battle":
The route to lust is not straightforward, and there are many, many chances to avoid lust that don't need to lead to stress. It is possible to notice a woman is beautiful, and even to feel a flash of attraction, and then to think nothing more of it and go on about your day.
I also found a blog post on their site, LUST SERIES: Noticing is Not Lusting! We Need to Free Men from this Fallacy (2019), which says it this way:
Do you believe that a man can notice a woman is beautiful or is nicely shaped but then do absolutely nothing else with that information?
I understand the point they are making- people can notice that other people are attractive, without it becoming a big huge obsession that overtakes all of your thoughts as you try to repress it. I agree with this point, but since I'm asexual I really have no idea if that's how "lust" works or not.
But I just want to point this out because of the way it's worded. "Think nothing more of it." "Do absolutely nothing else with that information." I understand that when they use the word "nothing", what they mean is "don't be a creep" and "don't drive yourself crazy obsessing over whether or not you're 'lusting'", and things of that nature.
But. Let me tell you something. The way queer people experience attraction is not "think nothing more of it."
Hoo boy. No. In a society that tells us what kinds of attraction we're supposed to have, queer people don't simply feel attraction and then move on with life like it's no big deal. No, we feel attraction and question our entire identity. Or, for ace and aro people- we DON'T feel attraction, and then question our entire identity. We feel attraction- or don't feel attraction- and then wonder "is there something wrong with me?"
We go looking for answers, and then we come upon a word, a label- and many queer people can tell you this- the way that suddenly everything can click into place when you find that label. How good and life-giving it is when you find people who have experienced the same things as you. Finding your identity.
And then, how good and life-giving it is to come out. To say the words, "I'm gay", "I'm bi", "I'm asexual", and so on.
Even for bi people who are in a monogamous relationship with an opposite-sex partner. One might think that they don't need to come out, they can just let everyone think they're straight- but no, I've seen many bi people talking about how important their bi identity is, and how they want to come out. (For example, this thread from a bi woman married to a man.)
And I've seen women who are married to men, who got married young while they were still in purity culture and never had a chance to explore, and these women are realizing they're bi, and just... the way they gush about how amazing women are. The bisexual joy. It's so beautiful.
And I've also heard this story many times: "When I was 15 and I saw [whatever movie] with [whatever celebrity], that's when I realized I was gay" or "that's when I realized I was bi."
We don't notice someone is attractive and then "think nothing more of it." We build our identities on it.
And for aces and aros... we have words for so many different kinds of attraction. When you're going through the process of questioning if you're asexual, it's all about analyzing "I feel something for this person- is it sexual attraction? Is it romantic attraction? Is it sensual attraction? Is it aesthetic attraction?" We spend SO MUCH TIME analyzing our feelings and picking apart the differences between these different types of attraction. In my case, it turns out that when I thought I was experiencing sexual attraction, it was actually sensual attraction, and I was able to figure that out only because I stopped repressing myself and just allowed myself to feel my own desires- and discovered that they didn't lead to sex.
Queer people know how important it is to explore, to analyze, to know yourself, to take pride in your feelings of attraction or lack thereof. We don't just experience attraction and then move on with life like it doesn't matter. Perhaps after we've gone through the whole process, all the angst, the coming out, and we are confident in our queer identity, and then we notice someone attractive, at that point maybe it really is no big deal, like what is described in "The Great Sex Rescue." But wow, the amount of work it takes to get there.
And, actually, even if we're not talking about queerness, even if we're just talking about straight allo people, it can still be useful to notice what kind of people you are attracted to, and see if there are any patterns that could be unhealthy. For example, what does it mean if you're only attracted to people of a certain race? In the international community here in Shanghai, interracial relationships are very common. And I'm white and my husband is Chinese. And that's great- but we should be aware that there are problematic reasons why someone might be attracted to people of a certain race. Like if you're viewing them as "exotic" rather than as people. So instead of just experiencing attraction as little isolated incidents that don't mean anything, it can be useful to examine your feelings and see if you have biases that are affecting your feelings of attraction.
Another example: The book "Boundaries in Dating" had a chapter about the problem of being attracted to the wrong types of people- people you have intense feelings for, but they don't really have the personality traits to be a reliable partner in a healthy relationship. "Boundaries in Dating" said you should notice this pattern in your feelings of attraction, and you should think about what it says about you, psychologically. And make changes to yourself so you're no longer drawn to people who aren't good for you. I had never heard anything like that before, but I think it's true.
So even if you're not queer, it can still be useful to do some analysis on your feelings of attraction. Perhaps you will discover you have some unhealthy ways of thinking, and you can make changes to address those problems.
But you know what you shouldn't do, when you experience attraction? You shouldn't build a system of rules that other people need to follow so you won't feel those feelings. You shouldn't go around telling people what turns you on, so they can change their behavior to avoid those things. You shouldn't expect that other people will change the way they dress, just for you.
I'm talking about "modesty" here. The whole system of modesty exists because good Christian men feel attraction and then instead of "thinking nothing of it", they believe their feelings are the objective authoritative perspective that should therefore dictate what women are allowed to wear.
Yeah, don't do that. Not cool. Your feelings of attraction are your own business. Go ahead and analyze them, find other people with similar experiences, don't repress yourself, be proud of your identity. But don't use those feelings as a justification for making rules to control other people's lives. And don't be a creep.
So, my point is: "The Great Sex Rescue" says it's possible to feel attraction to someone, and then do nothing with it and move on with your life. What they mean is, you don't have to constantly "fight lust"- you can just act normal, instead of spending all your time obsessing over how hard it is to repress all your feelings. I agree with the overall message, but as a queer person, I have a huge problem with the wording. "Think nothing more of it"? That is so NOT how it works if you're queer. We don't "think nothing more of it" when we feel attraction (or when we realize that we haven't been feeling the attraction that we're expected to). We struggle. We look for answers. We find labels, find community, and celebrate that. We take pride in our identities.
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Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"
Related:
In Purity Land, Only Straight Men Are Allowed To Have A Sexuality
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