The Great Sex Rescue: Porn

"Is this a pigeon?" meme template, where it's evangelicals looking at "any amount of porn use" and asking, "Is this a porn addiction?" Source: I saw someone share this on twitter years ago, I don't have the original source, so I remade it myself here.

Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"

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[content note: this post discusses porn/masturbation/sex, but it's not explicit. also it discusses abusive ideology where men are supposed to use their wives as a substitute for porn]

So, we're now in chapter 6 of The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended [affiliate link], the chapter about porn.

I wasn't really sure what to write about this, because I don't really know that much about porn. I read fanfiction, and some of that is porn, but I don't know anything about other types of porn. So my plan for this post is to write about some of my thoughts tangent to this, but not really address whether evangelicals are right or wrong about porn. [Editor's note: yeah, Perfect Number said that, but then look how long this post is.]

Basically, I have seen 3 main schools of thought on porn:

1. Evangelical: Porn is always bad. Your entire sex life is supposed to belong to your spouse (and if you're not married, it belongs to your hypothetical future spouse), so porn is selfish, a betrayal of your spouse. People who watch porn are always getting addicted to porn. It's a huge danger that will destroy your marriage!
2. Mainstream society: It's normal to watch porn, everyone does it. But maybe we are a little bit concerned about kids thinking that porn is sex ed, and boys assuming that their girlfriends will be totally okay with performing whatever weird acts they see in porn (and pressuring them into it because those things are seen as "normal").
3. Feminist: There is debate about the ethics of porn. Are the actors being exploited? How can you really know if the actors are participating in it consensually, or if they are being coerced? Also, if you share sexy images or videos of someone without their consent, that is NOT OKAY.

(I'm sure there are other perspectives out there, but these are the 3 that I've seen.)

I guess my opinion is somewhere near the "mainstream society" view. (But obviously it's not true that "everyone" watches porn.) I don't really know enough about the feminist arguments to have an opinion there, though I suppose that is something that would be worth learning more about. (Though obviously yes, if it's not consensual that's NOT OKAY.)

But, I feel that behind each of these 3 points of view, there's this sort of background assumption that yes, we have all seen porn, we understand why it's enticing, we are familiar with what it's about... which is why a lot of the discussion about porn feels off, to me, as an asexual.

I do appreciate that "The Great Sex Rescue" asks this question: "How old were you when you first saw porn (if you have)? Did it affect how you saw sex? Did it affect how you saw yourself?" They allow for the possibility that some readers are so extremely sheltered that they've never actually had any real-life experience with porn at all. As an asexual, I appreciate that.

(And yes, "The Great Sex Rescue" definitely matches that "evangelical" view of porn I described above.)

Generally I think evangelicals' entire ideology about sex is wrong, so I lean toward the "evangelicals are totally wrong about porn and it's actually no big deal" side, but I really don't know enough about it to actually make an argument for that.

So I want to reframe this by talking about 2 different motivations for doing sexual things:

1. For yourself. For your own curiosity/ enjoyment/ satisfying your sex drive. (Apparently sex drive is a real thing, idk, I'm asexual, don't ask me.)
2. For your relationship with your partner. For your emotional and romantic intimacy with your partner. To express love to each other. To enjoy being with them.

(And sure, there are other possible motivations too, like having a baby, but let's keep it simple and just talk about these 2.)

In my opinion, both of these motivations are valid. And each person might prioritize them differently. Perhaps sometimes, you just want it to be about feeling good yourself- and that situation would correspond to using porn and masturbating. And sometimes, you want it to be about your partner, and so you have sex with your partner in a way that is loving and putting a high priority on making it a good experience for them. (Sex with a partner can be a combination of reason 1 and reason 2.)

(And in this post, I mention "using porn and masturbating" together because it seems like, from the way most people talk about them, those things go together????? But this is not intuitive to me at all.)

And I'm oversimplifying it here, but my point is, there's a time and place for both of those motivations. Or perhaps you're only interested in reason 1 and don't care about reason 2, and therefore you just masturbate and don't need a partner. Or you're not interested in anything sexual, for any of these reasons at all. Also fine! Where we run into trouble, though, is if you want to have sex that's always reason 2 and never reason 1. 

Yeah, evangelicals- including the writers of "The Great Sex Rescue"- believe that reason 1 is NOT a valid reason for doing sexual things. No. It can never be about you- that would be selfish! Masturbating is selfish and sinful because sex is supposed to be about your spouse, and you're taking that away from them (whether they exist or not) and using it for your own pleasure!

Back when I was evangelical, I believed masturbating was cheating. And watching porn was cheating. (And even if you're single, masturbating is still cheating, on your "future husband.") I don't remember if I ever heard anyone directly use the word "cheating" to talk about this, but they definitely say things like "betrayal" and "he invited hundreds of women into our bed."

Some quotes from this chapter of "The Great Sex Rescue", to show you what I mean about these writers believing reason 1 is NEVER an okay motivation for sex:

[In the "Every Man's Battle" books] There is no depiction of God's design for sex as an ultimate, personal knowing of each other rather than just intercourse during which she feels like a receptacle. It is just accepted that men can't experience sex the way God intended.
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You can't defeat porn by simply having a husband transfer his lust and objectification to a "safe" source-- his wife. You defeat porn by rejecting the kingdom of darkness view of sex, that it is only about taking and using someone to meet your needs, and adopting a kingdom of heaven view of sex: that it's about a mutual, passionate knowing and sacrificial serving.

"The Great Sex Rescue" is criticizing evangelical resources like "Every Man's Battle." Let me sum up these different sides, as they relate to reason 1 and reason 2:

Evangelical resources about how men can "fight" lust and porn, like "Every Man's Battle": These resources talk about sex like it's only reason 1. Men have needs, and it would be wrong for men to use porn, and therefore the wife is REQUIRED to have sex with the husband to take care of his "needs." Instead of dealing with his reason-1 type of desire by watching porn and masturbating, he needs to deal with it by using his wife. So it's still reason 1, it's still selfish and all about him and not any awareness about "maybe you should care about if this is a good experience for your partner." Use your wife the same way you would use porn.

(It reminds me of the way that Josh Duggar reportedly had sex with Danica Dillon, a sex worker. She says he was violent and she was scared. I feel like... in evangelical/ purity ideology, men are told "you've been working so hard holding yourself back, and then when you're married you can finally stop holding back and just follow your desires and have everything you want, this is your reward from God" and there's no "you have to pay attention to how your partner feels." [And wouldn't that logic apply to both a wife and a sex worker? You paid for her, what reason could there be to put any restrictions on your behavior toward her?] It raises some scary questions about how he treated his wife.)

"The Great Sex Rescue": This chapter of "The Great Sex Rescue" criticizes evangelical resources like "Every Man's Battle" for telling wives they need to have sex to treat their husband's "addiction" and prevent him from watching porn. The writers of "The Great Sex Rescue" talk about how NOT OKAY it is that they don't seem to care at all about the wife's pleasure, and how they're making it her responsibility to keep her husband from watching porn. And telling women that sex is about being used as a substitute for porn. Rather than about, you know, love. In other words, "The Great Sex Rescue" says sex should always be with your spouse, never on your own, and when it's with your spouse, it has to be reason 2, not reason 1.

(And, can I just say, in mainstream secular society, I've encountered the idea that if a straight man prefers porn rather than having sex with an actual real woman, he is a pathetic loser. Like, dude, what the hell is wrong with you, you've got an actual wife or girlfriend, naked and consenting, and you'd rather just watch porn by yourself? And that it's normal to watch porn, everyone does it, but obviously "the real thing" is better. I don't agree with this view because I don't think we should judge people as "pathetic losers" based on their sexual preferences [and also this is tied up with the idea that being able to attract and pleasure a sexual partner is an indicator of how awesome a man is, and being a "virgin" is bad]. I don't agree with it, but I believe it's very very useful to know that this perspective exists. If you're coming from an evangelical background, where the assumption is "yeah men all have this weakness where they get addicted to porn and then they don't want to have sex with their wife, so wives have to step up their game to keep their husband interested"- no, that's not some axiomatically-true assumption about how the world works. No. Many people see it QUITE DIFFERENTLY. Many people believe that if the husband prefers porn, that's a problem with him. He is the one who is a loser, and it has nothing to do with his wife's sexual skills. Mind-blowing, if you're coming from an evangelical/purity background.)

And I would say, both "Every Man's Battle" and "The Great Sex Rescue" are too narrow. ("Every Man's Battle" is worse though!) How about, sometimes it can be reason 1, and sometimes it can be reason 2? Both partners should discuss their desires as related to reason 2, and come up with something that works for both of them. For reason 1 motivations and how you handle them, that's your own business.

Or, actually, it's not exactly true that "that's your own business." A couple should discuss with each other the question "what is our definition of cheating?" Evangelicals seem to just assume that porn and masturbation are cheating, but personally I think that's not a very realistic place to draw the line.

If you have discussed it with your partner and agreed that watching porn is cheating, and then you discover that your partner is watching porn, of course that's a betrayal. Of course you would feel upset about that. But it's not because porn is inherently bad- it's because of the broken promise. The dishonesty.

I feel like it's realistic and healthy to allow people to masturbate and use porn, and that's fine and it's not cheating. That's my own opinion, feel free to draw the line in a different place. If a porn habit starts to cause problems in your relationship with your partner, well, you have to stop and think about what your priorities are, and what kind of relationship you and your partner agreed you want to have, and then make changes that will help you reach those goals.

What I think is completely unreasonable, though, is that evangelicals have drawn the line such that ANY sexual activity AT ALL that is solely for your own enjoyment is NOT OKAY. CHEATING! They say that every single sexual experience you ever have, in your whole entire life, has to be with your spouse.

(I've told this story before, but here, I'll tell it again: I read an fanfic about 2 characters in a kinky dom/sub relationship, and the dom character said to the sub character, "you are not allowed to masturbate, you are not allowed to have orgasms without me." And it was presented like a kinky power-dynamics thing, that is not the norm but some people may choose to do it because they find it exciting. And I was SHOCKED, because in purity culture I was taught that that's just what every normal marriage is supposed to be like. Like of course it's normal that no one masturbates, and all orgasms must occur in your spouse's presence. And people who aren't married shouldn't be having orgasms at all, ever. This fanfic showed me no, that's not normal, that's a kinky dom/sub thing- "normal" would be that everyone is in charge of their own body and can masturbate if they want. See, this is why I say that reading fanfic porn has been helpful for me.)

This is not reasonable, even for me, an asexual, who never had any interest in sex in and of itself, but cluelessly saw it as nothing more than a means to have romantic, loving experiences with another person. I definitely believed there was no need to do any exploring on my own, no need to have sexual experiences that were just for myself, because that would be SELFISH and BAD, and that's not what sex is SUPPOSED TO BE. It's bad if you want sex for the sex. You're supposed to want sex because you love your partner.

So... when we started having sex (before marriage!) and I was completely clueless... it didn't go well. Purity culture said that a man would appreciate how clueless I was, because that meant I was pure, and I hadn't had any sexual experiences that weren't about him, and that's the way it should be... No, it wasn't a good thing that I was clueless.

And you know, people say "when a man and woman love each other very much..." then sex happens... well it's not true. It doesn't happen naturally for me, because I am asexual af. Like, we love each other, hooray... okay but now we're supposed to do something with our genitals???? Why????? How??????

So when I read in "The Great Sex Rescue" that sex is supposed to be this beautiful mutual intimate connection, and it should never be anything else... this doesn't work for me. Because I can't get to the "beautiful mutual intimate connection" if I don't even know what the hell I'm supposed to do- the mechanics of it- and if I don't even know how my own body works.

My point is, you need to masturbate.

(Obviously you don't "need" to masturbate- some people live their lives without having sex at all, and without masturbating at all. That would be fine! What doesn't work is thinking you're going to have sex successfully with another person, if you don't have any experience masturbating.)

This is something that's really important to me, and I think this should be one of the key pieces of sex ed we teach to teenagers: First, you have to figure out the individual ("selfish") aspects of sex, for yourself. Figure out your body, your desires, your interests, your overall goals. (And perhaps you figure out that you're ace and never want to have sex at all- that is a valid answer.) And then, you can decide on whether you'd want to share those experiences with another person. Under what circumstances, and what would your motivations be, and how would you like it to happen, and what are you hoping to get out of it.

And I'm not saying you literally have to fully complete the first step before moving on to the second step. I'm not saying you have to know everything there is to know about your own desires, before you can have sex with another person for the first time. No, there can be some overlap in this process. Maybe your experiences with other people help you figure out what you want. But my point is, figuring out sex for yourself is a crucial step, a prerequisite to having a good sexual relationship with another person.

And obviously, if you are involving another person, you have to care about how they feel, and make sure you pay attention to their needs and make it a good experience for them. (Even if your motivation is reason 1, you still have to care about how your partner feels. You don't "use" your partner.) But you'll be able to do that much better if you're coming from a place of confidently knowing what you want and how your body works, rather that just having no idea what the **** is going on.

Anyway, let's get back to some of the things that this chapter of "The Great Sex Rescue" says. 

So, this chapter talks about some physical problems caused by porn use- for example, a man being unable to get an erection when having sex with his wife. Like he's not able to just have sex with her- the only way he can get it to work is by watching porn. Like I said, I don't know very much about porn, so I can't comment on how likely this scenario is- but I feel like the reason it's a problem is because the husband's approach to sex is not meeting the wife's needs. She wants sex to be a certain way, but he's not able to do that because porn has gotten him into the habit of doing sex a different way. The problem is the mismatch, not the porn itself.

Because, imagine this: Suppose there is a couple where 1 partner is asexual and the other partner is not, so they decide that what works for them is that they will never have sex with each other, and they can individually use porn or masturbate if they want. Or, maybe they decide they will have an open relationship, or some sort of arrangement like that. Yeah, most people wouldn't be okay with that. *I* wouldn't be okay with that. (I really want to emphasize this: If you are not okay with having an open relationship, then be confident and don't let anyone talk you into it. Know yourself. Just because it's a valid relationship structure for some people doesn't mean you have to be willing to try it yourself. No. If you're not okay with it, then stand firm and absolutely refuse.) But for some people, depending on their feelings about sex and the role they want it to play in their lives, this works for them. And if it works for them, that's great. 

And... yeah I've said this in previous posts... "The Great Sex Rescue" feels to me (as a queer person) like it's presenting a view of sex which is very narrow, and saying this is the only correct way to view sex. Sex *has* to be in a monogamous hetero marriage, and it *has* to be about intimacy and connection with your partner. It feels extremely narrow- but at the same time, I recognize that my solution- both partners know themselves and know what they want and confidently advocate for that- is just not realistic for women from a conservative Christian background. 

See, if you're evangelical, which of these comes across as a stronger argument?

1. "The Great Sex Rescue" says a husband not being able to get an erection because he used porn too much is a problem because he is required to make sex a pleasurable and intimate experience for his wife, because that is what sex was DECREED BY GOD to be.
2. Me, Perfect Number, saying "if the husband isn't able to have sex with his wife, that's not a problem in and of itself, it's only a problem if having emotionally-intimate sex with him is really important to her, and yes, if it's really important to her than she absolutely should stand up for herself and say 'this is not working for me' and they should take it very seriously and come up with a plan that works for both of them."

I understand that for women with a conservative Christian background, who have been told their entire life that it's selfish and sinful to want things... they can't ask for what they want, they can only argue "we have to do this because it's the correct way that God designed."

It's sad, it's really sad, is what it is. And I hope that people coming out of that kind of background can eventually get to a place where they believe that their emotions matter, their desires matter, in and of themselves and not because of whether or not they're following God's rules or something. And maybe to get there, they have to go through a phase where they come up with biblical arguments about "actually if you really interpret the bible correctly, it says you should do these things"... but eventually I hope people get to a place where it doesn't matter what the bible says, or what God says. 

You matter, because you're a person, and that's enough by itself. That's enough, by itself, to say that you deserve to have people care about how you feel and what you want, and you shouldn't be forced into things you don't want.

Anyway, here's another thought I just had: I think I've figured out what the actual problem with porn is, that evangelicals are always mislabeling as "a porn addiction." The actual problem is, for some people, porn exploits some of their natural psychological quirks and causes them to develop bad habits, which then mess up other areas of their life. (For example, a man who wants to have a healthy sexual relationship with his wife, but his experiences with porn cause him to have certain assumptions and behaviors during sex which make it not possible to have the kind of positive experience they both want to have.)

This is similar to how people can get stuck wasting so much time on social media sites, because of the "infinite scroll." The design of the social media feed exploits human psychology, to cause people to develop the bad habit of spending way too much time on there.

Or, another example, perhaps fast food restaurants are very convenient, and that causes people to develop the bad habit of eating too much fast food.

These are things that, because of human nature, will inevitably happen to a certain percentage of people. Not everyone- there are plenty of people who just use social media a normal amount and don't want to waste hours and hours on it every day.

So, overall my view on porn is, you should be a mature adult, and recognize if it's causing problems for you, and then take action to change your habits. I want to say, the existence of porn is not a problem in and of itself, and using porn is not a problem in and of itself, but it can become a problem for some people. And instead of scaremongering like evangelicals do, claiming everything is "a porn addiction", how about we be mature adults who can honestly evaluate our own lives and identify our bad habits and do the work to change those habits.

(And perhaps this is an argument for why teenagers shouldn't have access to porn- because they actually aren't capable of doing the "mature adult" thing and being aware of whether it's having harmful effects on their lives.)

At the same time, though, maybe I shouldn't put all the responsibility on the individual, who needs to "be a mature adult." If something is designed to exploit human nature in a way that causes people to develop bad habits, shouldn't some of the blame be on the thing itself (and/or the companies making money off it)? (Wait do people make money off of producing porn? I guess? Maybe I'm too ace to talk about this.)

So... hmm. If it is the case that porn commonly does cause people to develop bad habits/ unhealthy ideas about sex, then we should do something to address that. And not just say porn is always bad and it will destroy your life, etc, like I always heard in purity culture. (Fun fact, I tried watching porn, and my overall feeling was just complete bafflement that *this* is what Christians had been warning me about all these years, that it's so DANGEROUS and it's going to ensnare me and RUIN MY LIFE... I'm like... so... it's people having sex for no reason? I don't get it?? Why would I want to watch that??? This is what y'all've been scared of, all this time????) I don't think it's possible to ban it- so instead, we should teach people how to have a healthy attitude towards it, how to recognize if it's causing harmful effects in their lives, how to get rid of bad habits, etc.

But like I said, I'm asexual so I can't speak to questions like "How likely is porn to cause problems for people who use it? How hard is it to quit?" etc. So I really have no idea about the practical aspects of this. Probably I'm wrong about some of the things I've said in this post.

But here's the main point I want to make: "The Great Sex Rescue" says sex has to always be about having a mutual loving relationship with your spouse, and it's wrong for sex to ever be something you just do by yourself, for yourself. I very much disagree with that. I think your sex life and your sexuality belong to you- not your spouse, not anyone else- and you have to figure out yourself first, and after you've built that foundation, then you can decide whether you want to involve another person. Even in marriage, your sex life is for you first, and then you choose to share it with your spouse. (And also you should discuss how you define "cheating" and then don't break that promise.)

"The Great Sex Rescue" criticizes books like "Every Man's Battle" for telling men to use their wives as an alternative to using porn- and yes, I agree with "The Great Sex Rescue" here. Having sex with a person is a completely different thing than using porn. You can't expect that you can easily substitute one for the other. (And that's really cruel to the wife... Christians basically telling wives that the only way a husband will enjoy sex with her is if the wife makes it a similar experience to what he gets from porn- rather than having sex because they both want to and they love each other and he wants her to genuinely enjoy it.)

My opinion is, there's a time and a place for both. It depends on your motivations and what you're hoping to get out of it. You have to figure that out for yourself. But "The Great Sex Rescue" says no, there's not a time and a place for both- sex ALWAYS has to be about loving your partner. This feels so incredibly narrow to me.

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I wish I had a link to an article about the problems with the way evangelicals view porn (thinking *everything* is "a porn addiction")- there must be some ex-evangelical/ ex-purity-culture person/ queer Christian who has written about that. I do have a few links to some short threads on twitter which point out this problem though: this one from @emilyjoypoetry and this one from @emilykmay.

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Links to all posts in this series can be found here: Blog series on "The Great Sex Rescue"

Related:

My Husband Is Not The Entire Focus Of My Sex Life 

I Wanna Preach the Good News of Masturbation 

A Post About Masturbation

"Is it Okay for Christians to Use Sex Toys?" (An Exercise in Missing the Point)