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| Little kids taking a test in school. Image source. |
And I was a good kid, so that's what I did.
(I guess I'll give a definition of "report card" here, because maybe other school systems around the world don't use the same terminology: A report card is the thing each student gets, 4 times a year, to tell them what grades they got in their classes. ... Umm, also I think in British English, "grades" are called "marks"?)
Then the next time we got report cards, the teacher didn't say we couldn't look at them. So all the kids opened theirs and looked at them. Except me. See, I felt like, even though the teacher didn't specifically say we should let our parents see our report cards first, that's still what a good kid should do.
I seem to recall even in high school, when the report card wasn't in an envelope but was just a single sheet of paper, I very carefully kept it facedown so I wouldn't look at it. Did I? Maybe I'm not remembering that correctly; it was a long time ago. Even in high school, did I feel like the "right thing to do" was wait until I got home and then let my parents see it first?
I look back on that now, and I cringe. Because I believed that being a good kid meant giving up something that belonged to me... And even though I didn't feel like it was required, even though I didn't feel like it was something I had to do, I still felt like it was better to do it than not to. I felt like, sure, a good kid can look at their report card right when they get it, but an even better kid will wait and let their parents see it first.
Ohhh, cringe cringe cringe. That is NOT good.
I believed it was good to give up my rights. I believed it was good to take something that was mine and hand it over to an authority figure- to let them own it to an even greater extent than I had ever owned it. To hand over something that I myself don't even have knowledge of- I don't even know what I'm handing over. To let them know my grades before I did. Sure, it wasn't required, but it was a good and godly thing to do.
Now I have a son, and if he tells me (several years from now when he's old enough to talk and go to school and understand what a report card is) that he didn't look at his report card because the teacher said I should see it first... I'll tell him actually, it belongs to him and it's his right to look at it first, and it wouldn't be right for me to take that from him. I'll tell him that since the teacher said the kids should let their parents see the report cards first, we will interpret that to mean the kids aren't allowed to open them at school- but once you're home from school, the teacher's rules don't apply, and it's your right to look at your report card before anyone else. It belongs to you. It is right and good for you to see it first.
Sure, there might be some special circumstances where the parent should see the report card before the kid does. Maybe the kid is irresponsible and if we let them open the envelope, they'll lose whatever's inside. Maybe the kid is scared to look at their grades and wants someone else to look first, for emotional support reasons. Sure, there could be valid reasons. But "it's good to hand control of my life over to an authority figure" is very much NOT one of them.
As a college student and young adult, I felt the same way about my medical records. Authority figures like doctors and insurance companies could see them, but I'm not supposed to see them. And now I'm writing this blog post and trying to put into words why I thought I shouldn't see my own medical records. Why indeed? Why? I guess because I thought authority figures know what's best for me, and I don't. I'm not qualified to look at my medical records. Maybe they use some medical jargon and I won't understand them anyway- I should just let authority figures read them and tell me what they think I need to know.
One time I was applying for health insurance, and they wanted to see medical records so they could make a list of my pre-existing conditions. After I sent the records and they replied with their list of pre-existing conditions that wouldn't be covered, I noticed that one of the "pre-existing conditions" was something I'd never actually had. It was suspected I might have it, this one time when I was sick and didn't have a diagnosis yet, but it turned out I didn't. Yet there it was, on my list of "pre-existing conditions."
And I didn't want to tell them "this is wrong, could you remove it?" Why not? Thinking about it now, trying to write this blog post, I'm asking myself why not? Like, clearly it was incorrect and so it should be changed- why didn't I want to tell them to change it?
I guess I didn't want to make trouble. I didn't know if it would turn into a big argument, if it would end up causing a lot of trouble for me to not "submit" to an authority figure. I imagined what if I later did have that medical problem, imagined myself in the future trying to make the case "I knew this was wrong when I signed the contract, but I didn't say anything because I was being nice, so now they should be nice to me in return, and cover the costs for this."
I really did think that way- think that if I didn't agree with something but I signed it anyway, that would benefit me in the future. Let them win this round, and it'll be my turn to win in the next round. Sometimes I still catch myself thinking like that. To be clear, NO, this is NOT HOW THE REAL WORLD WORKS. Whatever it says in the contract you sign, that's the way it is, and nobody cares about "here are the complex feelings I was having when I signed this."
To be clear, if you sign something, that means you are saying you're okay with it. It means you agreed with it, and things will proceed accordingly. It does NOT mean "I'm not really okay with this, but I am being so nice to you and signing it anyway, so that means you should be nice to me too and not really enforce it."
Why do I think that way? Why? Is it because of Sunday School lessons about "submission" and "obedience"?
I wish that, as a little kid, I'd also had lessons about standing up for myself. I wish I'd been taught that if you don't agree with something, then you don't sign the contract. Because yes, I have signed things I didn't totally agree with. I felt like I had no other option- the authority figures say "here is the contract, you need to sign it" and I was always a good kid, so... what else is there to do? I wish I'd known that just because an authority figure says "here are your options" that doesn't mean those are my options. There are other options. And negotiating is about figuring out what's important to them and what's important to me, and how to find a solution that's good enough for both of us. And that's how it works in the real world. You don't sign things because you're "supposed to"; you sign things only if they benefit you.
But I learned in church that it's selfish and sinful to ask "what's in it for me?" We should do something because it's the right thing to do, from an objective, outside standpoint. Not out of a biased desire to benefit our own selves. And yes, I still agree with that, to an extent- as an abstract ideal, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one- but the problem was that my understanding of "this is the right thing to do" was tangled up with "an authority figure said this is what I'm supposed to do". And I still find myself thinking that way.
In reality, just because someone is "an authority figure" doesn't mean they're more moral than me, more objective than me, more competent than me, more intelligent than me, more trustworthy than me. They're human too, and they're looking out for their own biased interests. Yeah, when I was a kid I thought authority figures used "this is the right thing to do" as the inspiration for the rules they put on us, but nope, they're just as "selfish" and "biased" as anyone else.
There's a happy ending to this "pre-existing conditions" story: I did email them to say it was wrong, and then they changed it, and it wasn't a big deal.
Another health insurance story: They wanted to see medical records from when I was seeing a psychologist for depression. I asked the doctor, and he emailed me his notes. (And I was a bit shocked, because I had always felt like I wasn't supposed to see my own medical records. It was quite surprising how he just emailed them to me like it wasn't a big deal at all.) I read them, and was very surprised to discover that the things he wrote were actually a slight misrepresentation of the things I had said in our sessions. All this time, I had assumed that, since he was a doctor, he understood everything- but it turns out he had misunderstood some things in the normal ways that people typically misunderstand some things.
That's when I learned that I should treat doctors as a useful resource that I can use as I take responsibility for my own health, not as infallible authorities who tell me what I need. They're good at their job, but they don't know my specific situation. And so I need to be there, be active and involved and stand up for myself, rather than just passively accepting everything.
So yes, of course I should be allowed to see my own medical records. They are mine, and my life is mine. And at the end of the day, the responsibility for my health is mine. There's nothing good or godly about leaving that in the hands of an authority figure. It's mine.
Another health insurance story: They wanted to see medical records from when I was seeing a psychologist for depression. I asked the doctor, and he emailed me his notes. (And I was a bit shocked, because I had always felt like I wasn't supposed to see my own medical records. It was quite surprising how he just emailed them to me like it wasn't a big deal at all.) I read them, and was very surprised to discover that the things he wrote were actually a slight misrepresentation of the things I had said in our sessions. All this time, I had assumed that, since he was a doctor, he understood everything- but it turns out he had misunderstood some things in the normal ways that people typically misunderstand some things.
That's when I learned that I should treat doctors as a useful resource that I can use as I take responsibility for my own health, not as infallible authorities who tell me what I need. They're good at their job, but they don't know my specific situation. And so I need to be there, be active and involved and stand up for myself, rather than just passively accepting everything.
So yes, of course I should be allowed to see my own medical records. They are mine, and my life is mine. And at the end of the day, the responsibility for my health is mine. There's nothing good or godly about leaving that in the hands of an authority figure. It's mine.
And nowadays, I don't feel weird at all asking for my own medical records. Sometimes I want them for myself- for myself, not because some other authority figure tells me I need to get them from the doctor and pass them along. I ask for them simply because I want them, as part of my understanding of myself as being in charge of my own health. And the hospital just gives them to me, like it's not a big deal at all, like it's totally business as usual. I have to sign a consent form to give them permission to send them by email- see, a consent form, because they are mine and I get to say where they get sent or don't get sent. That's consent- we usually talk about "consent" as it relates to sex, but it's so much more than that. It has to be.
I thought there were things about myself that I shouldn't know, but that other people- people more qualified than me- should know. That's bullshit.
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[content note: in the next section I talk about my vagina. If you don't want to read it, skip down to after the picture of a queen of diamonds playing card]
To put it bluntly: The first time I went to the gynecologist, I did not understand what a vagina was.
She stuck some kind of tool (a speculum?) in my vagina, when I had never even stuck my own finger in there. Never. I had never- of course I had never! I was a good and pure girl, and good and pure girls did not touch their vulvas. Because that is like masturbating, and masturbating is bad and sinful. (Lol, I would like to point out that ACTUALLY, that is NOT like masturbating, and ACTUALLY masturbating is NOT bad or sinful- it's GOOD and ESSENTIAL for learning about my body.)
So no, I had never touched it. And no, I didn't even understand what my vulva was. Not a clue. Had never looked at it. Not a damn clue. I had used tampons before, but that always felt like a grand mystery- I poked the tampon around "down there" for a while, and then sometimes eventually it went in *somewhere* and sometimes it didn't so I just gave up. I don't think I ever considered using my fingers to feel around and get a better sense of how to put the tampon in. No, of course not. Pure girls would never do that.
The doctor stuck something in, and it hurt, and I didn't have the knowledge to understand what was happening, what was hurting, and why. I couldn't stand up for myself- of course I couldn't! I had no idea what was going on, and she was a doctor so surely she knew everything and she was doing everything right. Right?
And also, I had no sexual experience or anything that anyone might think might possibly be kinda sorta somewhat related to something like sexual experience, and that meant my genitals were perfect and pure, right? That's what Christians had taught me- the best-case scenario is having no experience whatsoever. That's how you have awesome sex. And the more experience you have had with other partners, the worse the sex is.
I had no experience or knowledge, and that meant I was all good. I never could have imagined that there might be something not-normal about my genitals. Fast-forward 10 years and it turns out I'm asexual and might have vaginismus.
Another time, I had to have a transvaginal ultrasound. Not when I was pregnant- this was years before I was pregnant. Before I had ever had sex. When I was completely and utterly HORRIFIED by the very idea of me having sex. (And that feeling with completely unaffected by and unrelated to the fact that I had a boyfriend. It never crossed my mind that it would make sense for me to be interested in having sex with my boyfriend. ...Yeah, turns out I'm asexual.) Before I'd ever put anything in my vagina besides tampons. (I was in my mid-20s.) And the ultrasound technician couldn't get the tool to go in, and she was asking me why, why is it not going in, what about my sex life. And eventually we gave up on the ultrasound.
Honestly, I felt betrayed. Perfect and pure and inexperienced, and doctors acted like there was something wrong with me. Doctors expected me to know how my own vagina worked. Doctors hurt me by accident because I didn't understand what was happening. And I was so confident that my body was pure and therefore perfect, it never crossed my mind that maybe there's something not-normal about my body and maybe that's the reason these doctor visits aren't going well. It would be years before I even started to wonder if maybe actually a pelvic exam isn't supposed to hurt like hell. If it hurts for me, and I'm pure, then surely for everyone else it must be at least just as bad. It must be normal that it hurts like this.
So. Anyway. Now my advice is this: Before you go to the gynecologist for the first time, try putting 2 of your own fingers into your vagina. (For best results, use lube or do it when your vagina is naturally wet. Ah, yeah that's another thing to mention: you'll want to get an understanding of when your vagina is naturally wet and when it's dry.)
I thought there were things about myself that I shouldn't know, but that other people- people more qualified than me- should know. That's bullshit.
---
[content note: in the next section I talk about my vagina. If you don't want to read it, skip down to after the picture of a queen of diamonds playing card]
To put it bluntly: The first time I went to the gynecologist, I did not understand what a vagina was.
She stuck some kind of tool (a speculum?) in my vagina, when I had never even stuck my own finger in there. Never. I had never- of course I had never! I was a good and pure girl, and good and pure girls did not touch their vulvas. Because that is like masturbating, and masturbating is bad and sinful. (Lol, I would like to point out that ACTUALLY, that is NOT like masturbating, and ACTUALLY masturbating is NOT bad or sinful- it's GOOD and ESSENTIAL for learning about my body.)
So no, I had never touched it. And no, I didn't even understand what my vulva was. Not a clue. Had never looked at it. Not a damn clue. I had used tampons before, but that always felt like a grand mystery- I poked the tampon around "down there" for a while, and then sometimes eventually it went in *somewhere* and sometimes it didn't so I just gave up. I don't think I ever considered using my fingers to feel around and get a better sense of how to put the tampon in. No, of course not. Pure girls would never do that.
The doctor stuck something in, and it hurt, and I didn't have the knowledge to understand what was happening, what was hurting, and why. I couldn't stand up for myself- of course I couldn't! I had no idea what was going on, and she was a doctor so surely she knew everything and she was doing everything right. Right?
And also, I had no sexual experience or anything that anyone might think might possibly be kinda sorta somewhat related to something like sexual experience, and that meant my genitals were perfect and pure, right? That's what Christians had taught me- the best-case scenario is having no experience whatsoever. That's how you have awesome sex. And the more experience you have had with other partners, the worse the sex is.
I had no experience or knowledge, and that meant I was all good. I never could have imagined that there might be something not-normal about my genitals. Fast-forward 10 years and it turns out I'm asexual and might have vaginismus.
Another time, I had to have a transvaginal ultrasound. Not when I was pregnant- this was years before I was pregnant. Before I had ever had sex. When I was completely and utterly HORRIFIED by the very idea of me having sex. (And that feeling with completely unaffected by and unrelated to the fact that I had a boyfriend. It never crossed my mind that it would make sense for me to be interested in having sex with my boyfriend. ...Yeah, turns out I'm asexual.) Before I'd ever put anything in my vagina besides tampons. (I was in my mid-20s.) And the ultrasound technician couldn't get the tool to go in, and she was asking me why, why is it not going in, what about my sex life. And eventually we gave up on the ultrasound.
Honestly, I felt betrayed. Perfect and pure and inexperienced, and doctors acted like there was something wrong with me. Doctors expected me to know how my own vagina worked. Doctors hurt me by accident because I didn't understand what was happening. And I was so confident that my body was pure and therefore perfect, it never crossed my mind that maybe there's something not-normal about my body and maybe that's the reason these doctor visits aren't going well. It would be years before I even started to wonder if maybe actually a pelvic exam isn't supposed to hurt like hell. If it hurts for me, and I'm pure, then surely for everyone else it must be at least just as bad. It must be normal that it hurts like this.
So. Anyway. Now my advice is this: Before you go to the gynecologist for the first time, try putting 2 of your own fingers into your vagina. (For best results, use lube or do it when your vagina is naturally wet. Ah, yeah that's another thing to mention: you'll want to get an understanding of when your vagina is naturally wet and when it's dry.)
Wow, this blog post has really veered off from what I thought I was going to write about. Honestly, I don't like blogging about this- but I feel like I should, because I wish I had read something like this, way back when.
But... let's be real. If I had read "before your first gynecologist appointment, try putting your own fingers in your vagina" back then, I definitely would have thought "no way." Good and pure girls don't do that. I wouldn't have even considered it for a single moment; it was just completely out of the question. But let's imagine a hypothetical alternate universe where I did consider it. I would have tried 1 time, without success, and then thought "no, this is too weird, I'm not doing this." So what I'm trying to say is, my advice cannot be "in preparation for your first gynecologist appointment, try putting your own fingers in your vagina." Instead, it has to be this: As a general life principle, you own your own body, and therefore it is right and good that you have looked at every part and have touched every part. Know every part. Your body is yours, and so of course you should know every part of your body. That's the way it should be.
And same for partnered sex: If you've never attempted to masturbate before, then you should NOT try to have sex with another person. Don't view your partner as an "authority figure" who has more of a right to access your body than you do. That's bullshit. No one deserves that kind of ownership over another person's body. You belong to you.
(Okay but also I hope I am not scaring people off from going to the gynecologist. Take care of your health! Get regular checkups and pap smears! Probably your experience won't be as bad as mine.)
So. It's all the same thing- from elementary school report cards to medical records to sex ed. It's about boundaries and consent and autonomy. I am in charge of my own life. And I didn't know that before. I really and truly believed that there existed authority figures who deserved access to my information and my personal life and my body in ways that I didn't deserve. Here's the truth: No. No, there is no such thing. And I wish someone had told me that when I was a child, so I didn't have to stumble into it as an adult.
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| Queen of diamonds playing card. Image source. |
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