I'm Not a Baby Ace Anymore

A small airplane (looks like only 1 seat) that says "Baby Ace" on the side. Idk, I searched google images for "baby ace" and this is what popped up. Image source.

So. It's been almost 2 years since I announced I'm asexual. And I'd like to tell you, I feel so good and comfortable IDing as ace. ("Ace" is another word for asexual.) At the beginning, as a baby ace, I was unsure; I actually questioned for about a year and a half before coming out. But over these two years, as I've blogged more about asexuality and my experiences, as I've participated in the Carnival of Aces and read posts from a huge variety of ace bloggers, as I've participated in the queer community here in China, I've felt better and better. I feel very happy about being ace. Really proud.

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Back when I was first wondering if I could be asexual, I imagined that everything hinged on this definition- "'asexual' means someone who never experiences sexual attraction." And so there were 2 big problems for me as I tried to figure out my sexuality:

1. But, what is "sexual attraction"? Like if I really have never experienced it, then how could I understand what it is? And if I don't know what it is, then how can I know whether I've ever experienced it?
2. Asexual means I've never experienced sexual attraction. Never. But... what if I did experience it one time and I didn't realize it, or I forgot? How can anyone ever be sure that they've never EVER EVER had a certain feeling? (I reassured myself that gray aces are also on the ace spectrum- so even if I can't say "never", I can still get a label to help me understand myself and understand why having sex with my husband isn't the transcendent, life-changing experience I always was told it would be.)

Eventually I decided yes I am ace. Because the ace community is the only place I found answers to why sex is so weird and confusing for me. Yes, I asked several doctors to help me figure out what I'm doing wrong with sex, and they weren't any help at all. (They were like "just relax"- wtf does that mean? Spoiler: the ACTUAL problem was that I didn't know what arousal was and I was trying to do penetrative sex when my body wasn't actually aroused at all. Oww.) But the online ace community, that was the only place I found people talking about sex in a way that made sense.

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I really wanted to have sex with my husband, and enjoy it. I didn't see IDing as ace as something that would work against that goal; I saw it as extremely helpful information. Because if I'm not asexual, that would mean I'm heterosexual, which would mean I'm supposed to already understand this. I'm supposed to already desire sex, and just kind of follow along those desires in obvious and natural ways, and it will work. And then when it doesn't work, as a heterosexual I would have no clues, no indications, no idea of where to start in my quest to figure out why it doesn't work.

But if I ID as ace, then I know why it doesn't work. It's because even though I love my husband and intellectually I want to have sex with him, I don't actually experience sexual attraction. Sex isn't something that will come naturally to me; it's something I have to learn. Start with nothing and build on top of that, one step at a time, to learn how to have sex.

See, that means I have a starting point, and a basic idea of what to do to solve this "why is sex so confusing" problem.

I need to be free from the expectation that I'm supposed to already understand this. Otherwise everything would be so much harder.

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At first, I guess I subconsciously thought that being ace meant I would only enjoy the emotional or romantic parts of sex, and it wouldn't feel good in a physical way. And being ace meant my stance on masturbation had to be "yeah, I tried masturbating, but, eh, I don't really get the point, I didn't really like it." I limited myself, didn't want to be honest with myself when I actually did enjoy something. But when I realized I was thinking along those lines, it was a giant red flag. No, we should never be limited by our labels. I should never try to convince myself I don't feel things I really do feel.

And so I try stuff. Masturbate. Use sex toys. Read sexy fanfiction. Think of different options I can try with my husband so it's not painful. I feel like I'm making progress and things are getting better and better.

I let myself feel my feelings, without analyzing every little one to make sure it's not sexual attraction. I don't carefully classify all my feelings like "okay that was sensual attraction, that was romantic attraction, see everything can be explained away and I'm still ace." That's just... not the point.

I'm very comfortable identifying as ace. I'm very happy with it. But for me, it's no longer primarily about that definition I read so long ago- "'asexual' means someone who never experiences sexual attraction." I'm not so focused on that part anymore.

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So what is it about then? Yes, I still will tell you I don't ever experience sexual attraction. I'm still fairly sure that none of these feelings I have are sexual attraction. But... for me that's not the point anymore. Maybe it's more complicated than that.

So here's what it's about. Here's what "asexual" means to me now: It means I don't have to pretend I *get* sex. I don't have to smile and nod and hide my confusion when someone makes a sex joke and I don't understand it. (Or when I understand, intellectually, that the joke is about implying some relation between sex and whatever mundane topic we are talking about... but like why is that funny though? It's like sex is this big fandom that people love to reference. Whyyyyy?) I'm allowed to not understand. I'm allowed to come across as way too naive. I don't have to participate in this mythology that says sex is the best thing ever. I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not.

I'm thankful to the ace community for showing me there are so many different ways to be ace. I've met ace people from different backgrounds online- some are straight, married, and do have sex, like me, but that's only one way to be ace and there are tons of other ways out there. I'm really glad to have the Carnival of Aces to gather blog posts from such a diverse bunch of aces. I'm glad I found so many asexual blogs. I really appreciate all those posts I read when I was a baby ace, posts that said "aces who have sex are still ace, aces who don't have sex are still ace, aces who enjoy sex are still ace, aces who masturbate are still ace" and so on and so on. About not policing the label, about how it's valid for people to identify with it if it helps them, how it's not necessarily about fitting a strict definition.

When I first IDed as ace, I was worried about words like "sexual attraction" and "never." I wondered if I was really allowed to claim the label. I subconsciously wanted to police my own emotions to make sure I never felt sexual attraction, make sure I had an answer to "but how could you be asexual if you like [xyz]?" But it's not like that anymore. I've gotten more and more comfortable with myself and my own desires and attractions, and more and more comfortable with IDing as asexual.

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This post is part of the November 2018 Carnival of Aces. This month's topic is the Carnival of Aces (so meta).