The Checklist: Purity Culture's Alternative to Actually Getting to Know Someone

Groom Squirtle and Bride Pikachu wedding cake topper. Image source.

Libby Anne has a really good article about purity culture, marriage, and checklists: Checklist: An Evangelical Approach to the Marriage Market. It's about the "checklist" of requirements she believed she needed to satisfy in order to be "marriageable", and the "checklist" that boys in purity culture are also expected to fulfill. Her post even includes an example list from some purity website- a list of questions a boy would have to answer in order to be good enough to marry somebody's daughter. It's 30 questions long, and it's weirdddddd.

One of the items on this ridiculous list is: "10. Tell me everything you know about the Protestant Reformation." Which led to this conversation just now between me and my husband:

me: Tell me everything you know about the Protestant Reformation. 

Hendrix: [glances over at me without pausing his video game] What is that?

me: Uhh Protestant is 新教 [xīn jiào] ... hang on let me get the Chinese name ... [opens Google Translate] It's 新教改革 [xīn jiào gǎi gé].

Hendrix: [completely uninterested voice] Is that some religion thing?

me: [nods and smiles expectantly to prompt him to say more]

Hendrix: ... I don't really know much about it.

me: ... [starts laughing]

Hendrix: [glances over from his video game, trying to decide if he should even ask]

And then I laughed so much, and I had to explain that somebody on the internet wrote a huge list of questions that a purity-culture boy would have to answer, blah blah blah, I explained the whole thing and I LAUGHED SO HARD.

(Note: I did NOT explain what the Protestant Reformation is though. Guess he's still not marriage material.)

(It was almost as funny as the time that some complementarian pastor tweeted that a wife should "protect" her husband by being the outlet for all his lust, and so I said to Hendrix, "hey babe, how about I *protect* you?" and we weren't even married back then hehehe.)

Libby Anne then talks about how the "checklist" approach assumes that if 2 people "match" on paper then they'll have a good marriage, and how that's not how the real world works. Also she recounts the advice she got from a relative about marriage- the relative asked just 3 questions: "Do you love him? Does he love you? Does he treat you right?" Which is mind-blowing because of how different it is from this "checklist" teaching in purity culture, and it's so good and healthy it's astonishing. Libby Anne says that those checklists never included questions about how to actually treat each other. The checklist approach doesn't have any way to screen out "abusive narcissistic control freaks."

Yep. She's so right. The whole post is very good; go read the whole thing.

Back when I followed purity ideology, I also had a checklist of the qualities I was looking for in a "future husband." Unlike Libby Anne, I didn't have a checklist for myself- I believed me being super 100% devoted to God was all that was required. (I was in a different strand of purity culture than Libby Anne- in mine, there wasn't such a HUGE emphasis on gender roles- like obviously I believed the husband is the wife's leader, OBVIOUSLY, that's what the BIBLE SAYS, but I didn't translate that into specific household tasks that each gender should do.)

My checklist had 3 categories, actually:

1. Absolutely necessary, non-negotiable. This category included "he has to be a Christian 100% devoted to Jesus." (Like, not just someone who "claims" to be a Christian, but someone who is the correct type of Christian.) Not sure if there was anything else in the category?
2. Maybe not 100% necessary, but probably should have these qualities, like seriously be reaaaaally cautious about picking a guy who doesn't meet these requirements, it's not a definite no but really think about it. In this category, I included things like "smart" and "generous with money."
3. Preferences. Things that I think are attractive but they're not what *really matters* when choosing a partner. Like "funny", "good at math", "cute."

Umm, why did I have category 2? Like what on earth was going on with that? Well see, here's the thing. I deeply believed my heart was unreliable. I believed that when I was thinking in an abstract sense, about hypothetical boys that I should hypothetically choose, then I could be objective and set up my checklist in a good and godly way. But when I had a crush- well, when I had a crush, wouldn't I make excuses for why it was okay for me to be with this guy even though he didn't meet the checklist requirements? So I needed to be really really clear about which ones I should never ever ever allow myself to remove from the list. Category 1 could never change. Category 3 I was allowed to throw away without a second thought. Category 2, well, I was pretty sure should never change, but I thought maybe there was a chance that somehow it would be okay for me to be with a guy who didn't necessary meet the requirements in category 2. But if that was the case, I'd have to make sure I prayed about it A LOT and analyzed all my feelings to figure out if my motivations for changing the list were good or bad.

To be clear, the "3 categories" thing was my own idea- nobody in purity culture taught me to do that; I came up with it myself, based on my belief that my emotions and desires couldn't be trusted, and the belief that people often make up excuses to "justify their sin." Both of which were EXPLICITLY taught to me in purity culture.

Fast-forward a couple years, and I started dating Hendrix, for a bunch of reasons, none of which were related to the checklist. Basically I was super-attracted to him, and he did not seem to be a creep, so that was enough for me to at least give him a chance. (Which of course would not have been okay under purity ideology.)

Category 1 he doesn't meet at all; he's not a Christian. Category 2, he meets a bunch of the requirements in there. Category 3, the one I thought was the least important because it was just about fun and attraction rather than deep "important" things ... it's those fun things that make me so happy every day to be married to him. Years ago, I imagined marriage was all about serious things like praying together and having the correct beliefs about this or that, but now we've been married about 1 year and I'm honestly so surprised by how fun it is. I get to see him every day, in our apartment, being cute. We make noises at each other. Sometimes I get milk for myself and then he drinks some of it and then I give him a look like, 'how could you do this to me, I am such a good wife,' and he gives me a look like, 'how could you be mad at me, I am so cute,' and then we just stare at each other, trying to outdo each other with our sad puppy eyes, and whoever laughs first loses. I love marriage. We have the serious stuff too, we know how important it is to communicate about EVERYTHING, we support each other when we're stressed or sad... but more than that, being married to him is just fun.

When I decided to marry him, I believed it was a good decision because of the relationship we already had. We had already been together for several years, supporting each other through all kinds of things- sickness, changing jobs, moving, etc. We lived together. We loved each other. (Of course we still love each other now- but my point is that we loved each other before we were engaged.)

It wasn't because of some list, some abstract ideas about what kind of person I *should* marry. It was because we already had a relationship. We already knew and loved each other. And we wanted to have that for our whole lives. (Still do.) We knew our relationship would work because it already did work.

But in purity ideology, none of this is allowed. You can't just date someone unless you're pretty confident you'll marry them. Because, they said, breaking up means you "lose part of your heart" and you'll never be able to fully love your future husband. Because your future husband will be heartbroken at the idea of you ever having done romantic things with an ex. Because purity means having as little experience as possible, and obviously purity is the most important factor in whether a marriage is healthy or not.

In purity land, experience is the WORST thing you can have. So you have to make this major life decision before you've gotten to know someone enough to actually make a good decision about them. Because the process of getting to know someone erodes your purity, so you should only do it with the person you're going to marry.

In fact, kids in purity culture are discouraged from even having close friends of the opposite gender, because if they get too close then they might develop crushes and wouldn't that just be terrible. (Also, hilarious how this ideology assumes everyone is straight.)

That's why we needed checklists. We weren't allowed to use the normal, natural process of getting to know someone, dating someone, and just seeing if it worked or not. We had to gather information from a distance. We had to check things off a list. We had to pray about it and weigh the importance of different qualities. We had to imagine if we could live with this person for a lifetime, without ever even living with them for 1 day.

(Back when I followed purity ideology, I actually was ALWAYS baffled at how that was supposed to work- how do you get to know someone enough to decide to marry them, if you're not allowed to get to know them until you're sure you're going to marry them? I basically believed the answer was to gather what information I could, then pray about it and God would tell me. The information I could gather would be helpful but definitely wouldn't be enough on its own. God would need to step in and make the final decision. In other variations of purity culture, the answer is to have your parents heavily involved in the decision.)

For Hendrix and I, the reason he's the right partner for me isn't because our "lists" match up. Instead, we are the right partners for each other because we have spent years getting to know each other. Now he knows me better than anyone else, and vice versa. We've changed and grown into the perfect match for each other. It's not because of some thought experiment where you imagine what a relationship between us might potentially be like- it's because that relationship already does exist, here in reality, and it's good.

And none of that is possible if you follow the purity rules.

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Related:
In Purity Land, a First Date is a Bigger Decision Than Marriage 
I Know We'll Have a Good Marriage, BECAUSE We're Not Pure