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| Book cover for #ChurchToo |
I read #ChurchToo: How Purity Culture Upholds Abuse and How to Find Healing by Emily Joy Allison (published 2021). This book is very good. If you want to read 1 book to understand purity culture, it should be this one.
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What is #ChurchToo?
Sometime around 2017, when people were discussing #MeToo and sharing stories about sexual abuse and assault, Emily Joy Allison posted on twitter to share her experience being groomed by an adult youth leader at church when she was a teenager. She and a friend decided to use the hashtag #ChurchToo for #MeToo stories which happened in Christian settings. There are certain dynamics that exist in conservative religious spaces, which contribute to the ways that sexual abuse happens, how the victims understand what happened, and how people respond to it- so it's worth talking about this as a distinct subcategory within #MeToo.
I followed Allison on twitter back then, and her takes about purity culture were always spot-on. She grew up in that environment and she really gets it. She knows the logic that purity ideology uses, she knows the bible verses. And also she is queer- she has done the work to get completely out of that ideology, and is now married to a woman. She truly knows what's what.
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Being naive and vulnerable because we didn't get any sex ed
The book emphasizes the fact that young people who are raised in purity culture are extremely vulnerable, because we don't get any sex ed besides "don't do it", no teaching about consent, and we know we can't go to adults for help because we'll be shamed for having normal sexual desires (and this is doubly true for queer kids).
So if an abuser wants to find a victim, churches that promote purity culture are an ideal place to look.
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There is no healthy way to teach that abstinence is the only answer
Christians often say "yes, we recognize that purity culture was bad, *but* we still believe it's a sin to have sex before marriage." They want to find a way to teach kids, which doesn't shame them, doesn't tell them "you're a worthless piece of chewed gum if you have sex", but still tells them they should not have sex before marriage.
Allison says, unequivocally, this is not possible.
No, you cannot promote abstinence as the One Correct Answer, and not cause this kind of shame and dysfunction. You have to give kids sex ed which gives them accurate information and allows them to make their own decisions. Yes, really.
I completely agree with this, because it is not actually true that having sex before marriage is always bad, and that waiting until marriage is always good. For some people, it genuinely is a good decision to have sex before marriage- and the only way to teach "we should still wait for marriage" is to cover up this fact with misinformation and shame. Which is exactly what purity culture is, and is going to have the same bad effects that purity culture does.
(But I would want to add this caveat: I want to make sure we give kids sex ed which is truly inclusive of asexuals. If, as a teenager, I had believed "sex is something I could be doing right now- should I? am I missing out?" it would have stressed me out so much- it wouldn't have been healthy for me to feel like I had to consider that. What teenage aces need to hear is, if you can't understand what's supposedly so appealing about sex, and why everyone seems so into it, that is a sign that it is NOT the right thing for you right now. Don't worry, you're not missing out, and it would be bad for you to try to force yourself to try it.)
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Accepting and celebrating LGBTQ identities
Allison says, she often gets Christians who agree with her about the need to address the harms done by purity culture, but when she starts talking about how full acceptance of LGBTQ people is a necessary part of dismantling purity culture, suddenly people don't want to talk to her any more.
!!! Yes! This! She's 100% right- it is NOT possible to dismantle purity culture and still hold to beliefs like "everyone is supposed to be straight and cis." It is extremely important to recognize the unique ways that purity culture is harmful to queer people- that's a huge part of seeing what's wrong with it, and fighting back against it. You can't just talk about how purity ideology is harmful to straight cis people and act like that's that.
The book also mentions ethical nonmonogamy a few times- it doesn't go into detail, but it treats it as just another normal variation in human sexuality. I totally agree with this.
Also I like this quote from page 110:
For reasons I cannot comprehend, it is still considered appropriate and polite in many Christian communities to "disagree" with LGBTQ identities.
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Forgiveness
One of the unique aspects of how Christian communities deal badly with sexual abuse and assault is that they think the victim needs to "forgive" the abuser. Sure, the abuse was a sin, but the abuser says he's sorry, so God forgives him and that sin has been wiped clean now. But the victim is still making a big deal about it, criticizing the church on social media, refusing to forgive, etc- that's a sin.
Instead of giving victims whatever support they need, churches tell victims they're supposed to forgive. This is extremely common, and extremely messed up.
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Deciding for yourself what to do about Christianity
In the section of the book about how to heal from purity culture, Allison says that you have to decide for yourself what your relationship to Christianity is going to be. I totally agree with this. We were taught this harmful ideology about sex, and we were taught that it was central to what it means to be a Christian. Freeing yourself from purity culture means detangling that and finding a different way to be a Christian. Or, deconverting entirely. Everyone's journey is going to look different, and that's the way it should be- it has to be your own.
I know there are plenty of Christians saying "yeah I know you were hurt by these purity teachings, but they were a distortion of what the bible *really* teaches- you still have to believe the bible, you still have to be a Christian, this is not a good enough reason to deconvert" and, like, eff that.
Also, Allison very explicitly says that she is not going to make a case about bible interpretation in this book. She is not going to talk about what this or that Greek word means, she's not going to get into whether the bible "really teaches" that sex before marriage is always a sin, she's not going to make a case for a sex-positive Christianity. You don't need to do that! I mean, okay, sure, maybe if you want to still be a Christian, those things might be of interest to you (and the end of the book lists some resources for readers who want to learn more about that), but this book is *not* operating under the assumption that we are bound by the bible and we're only allowed to have a healthy sexual ethic if Christianity okays it. !!! Yes, I totally agree with this!
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Loving your body
Another aspect of healing from purity culture is to connect with your body. We were taught that our bodies were bad and sinful- we weren't taught to pay attention to our body's needs and desires- they are temptations that could lead us astray. But those needs and desires actually matter! Allison recommends things like yoga and meditation as ways to connect with and love your body.
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In conclusion, this book really understands what's wrong with purity culture, and makes the case that there are unique aspects of what rape culture looks like in Christian environments, so it is useful to have #ChurchToo as a movement within #MeToo.
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Related
"Pure": A Book About the Aftermath of Purity Culture
I’m Really Really REALLY Glad I Had Sex Before Marriage
Kinda Tired of Talking About the Greco-Roman Household Codes
The World of "Pride and Prejudice" is Not the World of Purity Culture
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