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| A dentist working on a child's mouth. Image source. |
So recently I went to a dentist for teeth-cleaning and x-rays. It was a Chinese dentist office, the one my husband goes to. (We live in Shanghai, China.) Now, normally I don't go to Chinese hospitals; I go to international hospitals, international dentist offices, etc. (More on that in this post: On Immigration and Double Standards.) But anyway, this time I went to this Chinese dentist office.
So, while the dentist cleans your teeth, the dentist assistant holds that suction tube thing to suck the water out of your mouth. And, I don't know, seemed like this assistant wasn't doing a very good job, because I kept having water in my mouth and I had to either interrupt them and sit up and spit, or swallow it (and I'm laying there thinking "we're in China, don't drink the water").
(I asked my husband about it, and he said he had never had that problem at this dentist. So, I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm autistic. Or maybe it's because something about my posture or reactions wasn't compatible with the methods they use. Who knows.)
And there were a few other things they did, that made me feel like they weren't being careful enough... And at one point it got so bad that I actually put my hand over my mouth. Like a safeword. I said I had to take a minute before I would be ready to continue, and I asked the dentist how much longer the teeth-cleaning was going to take.
You know, speaking of safewords: There have been many times where I was at a dentist appointment, and the dentist says, "If you want me to stop at any time, just put your hand up." The safeword of dentistry. I always assumed this was because you shouldn't try to talk while they're sticking things in your mouth, because it will screw things up. I never really thought of it as ... like... my consent matters, and I have the right to stop if I feel uncomfortable. I only ever used the safeword when I had... like... a reason that other people would think was "good enough" like for example I just need to shift my posture in this chair real quick before we start, or something.
So anyway, here's what I want to say. So I'm at this dentist, and I had to put my hand over my mouth to make them stop because it was that bad, and I'm thinking about what to do. And, now I know about boundaries and consent- I used to not know about those things, but now I do. And I knew, I can choose to say no, get up, and walk out of here, and no one will stop me. As long as I pay the money for the appointment, they can't do anything to me. I can get up and walk out of here, and no one will force me to sit in this chair and endure whatever they're doing to my teeth.
Like knowing that it was a real choice. Knowing about consent.
In the past, I didn't know about boundaries and consent, and therefore I believed that I had to convince them- to get them to "let" me say no. I had to present a logical argument about why it's unreasonable that they expect me to just sit there and take it while they do things to my body. And if I can't make a good enough case, if I can't persuade them, I'm trapped. Because of that, I would get angry, and I would argue... But now I know that I don't have to persuade anyone. I can just say no, and get up and leave, and they can't do anything to me. Therefore I don't have to get mad at anyone, I don't have to accuse them of being unreasonable, none of that.
And it was because of that, knowing I had that freedom, that I was able to let them continue doing stuff to my teeth. And so we continued and were able to finish.
My husband and son were also there, and I wasn't sure if they were in the room when this happened, or if they were wandering around in the hallway. I worried... what if my son sees me covering my mouth and not letting the dentist do stuff? Am I setting a bad example for him?
But then I thought, don't I want him to know that if he feels overwhelmed by something, he's allowed to take a break for a minute to calm down?
And so we get into the question of how to teach consent to kids. In particular, in a medical context.
I've seen people on the internet saying, "I told my kid 'your body belongs to you' and then the next day she wanted to wear her Halloween costume to preschool" as if that was an unexpected, unintended result, and I'm just like, what? So, you said to the kid "your body belongs to you" but you didn't really mean that, what you really meant was "don't let anyone sexually abuse you" and you believe it's a misinterpretation to think it meant "my body belongs to me, therefore I can wear my Halloween costume whenever I want."
HOWWWW, I ask you, HOW is it a misinterpretation to think that "my body belongs to me" means "I can dress up as a dinosaur whenever I want"? Where is the error in logic? Ah, see, the error in logic is that adults all know that "your body belongs to you" is simply a euphemism intended for preventing sexual abuse, that's all it means. It has nothing to do with one's body actually belonging to oneself in non-sexual ways.
Like, what on earth?
How is a kid supposed to know "your body belongs to you" doesn't actually mean "your body belongs to you", it only means "don't let anyone sexually abuse you"???
People typically talk about consent like it's all about sexual things, but I don't see it that way. Consent should be about everything.
And we can't teach consent to kids the same way we teach adults, because children literally do not have the right to consent about things that happen to their body. Specifically, I sometimes override my son's consent if it's a health/safety issue. For example, holding him still while he gets a vaccine.
I don't want to physically force him- that's the last resort. I always talk to him first and explain why we have to do this or that medical procedure, why it will benefit him. I offer rewards that he can look forward to after it's finished. I give him choices like "do you want to sit on this chair or that chair when you get the vaccine?"
All of those things make him feel better, and make the experience better for all of us, but all of those things are still nonconsensual. If this wasn't about a child- if this was a situation with 2 adults, and Person A is saying they have to do things to Person B's body, and Person B doesn't want to, so Person A offers all sorts of ways to help Person B feel better about it, to convince them, and then acts like Person B is the one being unreasonable because look how kind Person A is being, offering so many options Person B can choose from as they submit to the thing they don't want to do. This is coercion. It's nonconsensual.
But the absolute truth of it is, children really don't/can't have the right to own their own bodies. There are things that are necessary, for the child's health and safety, that the child would never consent to. You do have to use nonconsensual methods.
And, my son is preschool age- he needs to have limitations on what choices he's allowed to make. He's not developmentally ready for the level of responsibility needed when you're just allowed to do whatever you want. Limitations are healthy for him at this age. It's good for him to be able to make some of his own choices- like what clothes he wants to wear- but there are other things where he just has to do it, he doesn't get a choice- like going to school. And as a child grows, gradually the range of choices they can handle also grows.
I think the important thing here is to put very obvious restrictions on what circumstances people can override the child's consent. Here are some I've thought of:
- Only the parents can override the child's consent. To some extent, maybe other guardians (relative, teacher, babysitter) can too, when the parents are not present, but only in a "doing their best to act according to what the parents would have wanted" sort of way. Definitely DO NOT teach the child that all adults have the right to override their consent.
- When you make the child do something they don't want, the child has a right to know the reason why. The child can always ask questions about what's going on, and you have to explain it to them.
- This is a temporary situation. When the child becomes an adult, there will be NO MORE overriding their consent. Make sure the child very clearly understands this. And give them more freedom as they grow up, so that they're ready to handle that when they become an adult.
My thinking now is I need to teach him these 3 points, and make sure he understands them. And someday I'll teach him to be very suspicious of someone who's acting like they're offering him a choice but they're really not ("do you want to sit on this chair or that chair when you get the vaccine?").
He's just preschool-age, so I don't really know what I'm doing yet. I'm just thinking about myself as a child and how I never had any concept that my body belongs to me... instead all the adults said I was "good" and "brave" when I submitted to things I didn't want, and they acted like I was causing trouble when I wasn't able to force myself to endure whatever medical things I was supposed to.
And... like I said, the thing that gave me the confidence to let the dentist keep going was knowing that I had the freedom to just get up and walk out of there. My son doesn't have that- so he is stuck in the "I need to convince them that I have a 'good enough reason' to say no" territory.
Yeah... being required to perform your discomfort in a way that will read as "real" to other people. This is hard to explain, but I'm autistic and I think other autistic people know what I'm talking about. Being in a sensory environment that you just CANNOT tolerate, but in order to be "allowed" to leave, you need to strategize about how to perform your emotions so that other people will believe you really are in pain. For example, you need to drop several hints that you're not feeling good, so that people can't counter with "but we've been here this whole time, and you've been fine! How can you suddenly have a problem?" I'm so glad that as an adult, I don't have to do that any more. I can just know my own needs, politely tell other people what my needs are, and if there are any practical issues that arise from my needing to leave, try to handle them in a responsible way. (Though, actually, as an adult there still could be situations where you're not free to make your own choices, for example, at your job- so sometimes you do need to do this dance to convince your boss that you have a "good enough reason" to refuse to do something.)
So, this is not ideal, but it has to be like this because he's a child. The best I can do is give him that freedom in situations where it's reasonable to do so, and also take it very seriously when he is telling me the reasons he doesn't want to do something. To really listen and understand those reasons, because I am judging if his reasons are "good enough" and that is a very serious responsibility.
That's the best I can do, I guess.
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Related:
I Don't Want My Baby To Be "Brave"
Doctors (part 3 of Autism & Teaching Kids to Protect Themselves)
Tickling, Consent, and The Way It Works
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