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| Three women doing a workout routine. Image source. |
Something with clear goals. Where the number of repetitions or length of time is determined beforehand, so I push myself to finish it instead of stopping because "I'm tired." Something like "on Monday I'll do these exercises for 30 minutes, on Wednesday I'll do these, on Friday I'll do these." Probably there are apps that can recommend a plan and keep track of it all.
But whenever I start to think about making a plan, I feel like I'm trapped and I have to get out. I feel anxiety. And it's because of all the time I spent as a good Christian reading my bible every day.
See, here's the way it works: When you have a "personal relationship with God", you need to "spend time with God" every day, which means taking some time to be alone and away from all distractions, and reading the bible and praying. This is how you grow your relationship with God. This is how you be a good Christian.
We all knew that was the ideal: having a "quiet time" every day. But that's quite a high standard to reach, and most Christians don't actually do that. And so we need to perform guilt about it. People show up at bible study and "confess" their "sin" of not reading their bible every day. Pastors talk about "Jesus loves you so much that he came and died for you, and you can't even set aside 10 minutes every day to be with him?" Christians blame themselves for not having a better relationship with God, saying it's their own fault for being too busy and making excuses rather than spending time every day reading the bible.
It was an impossible standard- but "the gospel" we believed was all about impossible standards. We only deserve to go to heaven if we can be perfect- that is, never ever sin any time throughout our entire life. Never be mean to anyone. Never be selfish. Never be jealous. Of course that's impossible, and therefore we all deserve to go to hell. Those bad "worldly" people think that as long as their good deeds outweigh their bad deeds, they'll be able to go to heaven- well, my Sunday school teachers warned me about how wrong they were. See, the bible [supposedly] says it doesn't matter what good things you've done- all that matters is that you have done a nonzero number of bad things. And therefore you are bad and deserve to go to hell, but God loves you anyway and you should be forever grateful for that because you suck and there's no logical reason God should ever do anything nice for you.
I was the best Christian, back then. I did read my bible every day. Maybe I missed a day a few times a year.
I remember there were times I had so much anxiety- when I was traveling so my schedule was all weird and it would be evening already and I would be all stressed out, thinking "I haven't read my bible yet today", trying to find a time to sneak off alone and do it, worried about how I could explain to friends if they saw me sneaking off, telling myself "well maybe I don't need to get my bible out, I can just think biblical thoughts and we'll say that counts", giving up on it when I get to the hotel room and there are people sleeping so I can't turn on the light.
I remember when I had a really long streak, where I hadn't missed a day in a long time, but I still felt bad because, you see, sometimes I would put off my "quiet time" til the evening. I would be so tired, and sitting up in bed for a few minutes, just reading the bare minimum amount and then falling asleep. I believed that was a sin too- I should be making God a priority, not putting it off and then trying to do a "quiet time" when I was too tired to think straight. I felt a lot of guilt over that.
I was so sleep-deprived in college- one day I slept through my alarm and somehow didn't wake up til 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I had missed all my classes except one. But I decided to skip that last one, because I needed to read my bible. God would be my first priority, and since I was obedient, I trusted that God would deal with whatever consequences came from skipping class.
When I came to China... there's a 12-hour time difference, and I wondered how to count a "day" when I was traveling, because I needed to make sure I read my bible every "day." I don't remember what my solution was. Maybe I read the bible on the plane, just to be sure. Maybe I gave myself some leniency on that day.
I did love God, and I really did love reading the bible and praying. I don't want you to think that I did it just because it was a rule- it was much more complicated than that. But when "no" isn't an option, what does "yes" really mean?
Then, probably around 2013, my relationship with God was falling apart and I tried to keep reading the bible every day. The only thing that kept me going was the guilt- that if I don't do it, then I am a bad Christian, I am bad, I am bad. I would read a passage and be overwhelmed by a mountain of questions- the "clear" interpretations I learned in church didn't cut it any more- and be so stressed because of the questions, stressed because "quiet time" is supposed to be about feeling closer to God and I wasn't feeling that at all, stressed because stopping wasn't an option- that would mean I am a bad Christian.
Eventually I came to the belief that God's love for me is not affected by whether or not I do all the "good Christian" habits like praying, reading the bible, and going to church. And I decided that it would be healthiest for me to actually stop doing all those things, for a period of time- to really put my faith in my belief that God's love isn't dependent on them. I decided it's okay not to read the bible every day- and what's more, it's okay not to feel bad about it. And that has been so incredibly healthy for me, these past few years.
So fast forward to right now, and here I am thinking about making an exercise plan. And all I can think is I've never been very good at exercising, so I'm definitely not going to be able to stick to the plan 100%. Maybe I'll plan to exercise 3 times a week, but some weeks I'll end up not exercising at all. Maybe I'll lose interest entirely after 1 week and abandon the whole plan. And when I fail- because, anything short of 100% is a failure, our good deeds are like filthy rags and all that- then that means I am bad and I should feel bad.
When I think about having a plan, I don't feel like "this is a good thing because if I work hard I will be stronger and feel good." Instead the only thing I can imagine is all the shame, all the shame from each day that I miss. One after another after another. Just a pile of shame from all the things I've done wrong, all the good habits that I haven't kept.
(In my analysis of the VeggieTales movie "Rack, Shack, & Benny," I talked about how harmful it is to equate healthy habits with morality. Yeah, turns out that kind of teaching makes me not exercise because I'm too scared I'll "sin.")
Readers, can I let you in on a little secret? I don't really want to write blog posts about the gospel of Matthew. I'm just doing it because 5 years ago I said I would do it, and I feel guilty over the fact that I never finished. Like, don't get me wrong, I think the Matthew posts I've written recently have been good posts- but I would actually prefer to spend my time and energy blogging about other topics. But see, I have this guilt hanging over me. This thing I said I would do 5 years ago, and I still feel bad for not finishing it. I blog about Matthew to make the guilt go away. I wish I didn't have to.
Okay. I have to relearn this. Let's say I make an exercise plan that says I'll do this or that 3 times a week, but then one week I don't do any of it at all? What is the meaning of missing a few days? If it doesn't mean "I'm bad and I'm a failure", then what does it mean? How can I understand this? That belief needs to be replaced with something healthy- but I'm not really sure what.
Here's what I have so far: I don't have any urgent medical issues going on right now, and therefore it's a good time to start exercising. It doesn't matter what exercise I did or didn't do in the past- don't feel bad about the past, just look ahead to the future. I can always improve and get better, and that's a good thing. Don't compare myself to other people- instead, compare my current situation with my potential.
But what if I miss a day? Or a whole week? Or more? What does it meannnnnn? Does it mean I am bad? If I can miss a day without guilt, then what's the motivation to stick to the plan?
Or maybe if I miss a day it means on that day there were other things that were higher priorities than exercising. And that's also something people feel shame over- you're supposed to feel bad about "I would rather watch tv than exercise"- but why? Wouldn't it be better to be honest with yourself about it? To just accept that it's the honest truth about how you feel, and it's not necessarily good or bad? And then you realize that your short-term desires contradict your stated long-term goals, and you can decide how to handle that. Maybe you decide the goal isn't worth it- and that's fine, nothing wrong with making that choice, you don't have to feel guilt about it. Or maybe you decide the long-term goal truly is important to you, and therefore it's even more urgent that you alter your day-to-day behavior- and that's your motivation, instead of "I am bad." Ideally, you find a form of exercise you enjoy, so it doesn't feel like a giant pain to stick with it.
My point is, the first step has to be honesty about what you really want and how you really feel. Without that, all you have is socially-mandated guilt that doesn't actually motivate you to do better.
So. Years of believing that daily "devotionals" were REQUIRED in order to be a good Christian have left me too stressed to be able to set goals about exercise and other good healthy habits. Back then, it was all about impossible standards and sin and guilt; we weren't allowed to be honest about our priorities, because it just wasn't acceptable to have other things that were- even on the time scale of one day- more important than our "relationship with God."
Readers: Have you had similar experiences with "daily devotionals" and guilt? Any ideas about a more healthy perspective on what it means when you make a goal but it doesn't work out?
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