But, you know, I'm on tao bao (Chinese equivalent to ebay) trying to pick out a costume for my school's Halloween party. (We teach the students English, and we also teach them a bit about Western culture, so OBVIOUSLY there needs to be a Halloween party.) There are so many cute costumes... and you know I'm thinking those women are so beautiful, and those costumes would look so good on me... I'm young and skinny and beautiful and I really love how I look. I want to wear stuff like that.
(You know, ever since I ditched modesty, I've been so happy that I'm free to say, "She's really beautiful" rather than judge other women for wearing the "immodest" stuff I wish I was allowed to wear.)
So, encouraged by my coworkers, who assured me I would look incredibly cute in many of those costumes, I picked one out and ordered it.
Here's what I bought, female Captain America:
It came in the mail, I opened up the package and my first thought was "oh no, I ordered a child's size by mistake." Haha, no this is the adult woman costume, honey. "One size fits most."
Okay so I tried it on. Well goodness, I look freaking beautiful. I pretty much look like the woman in the picture- tall and skinny (and no cleavage). Put on my high heels and everything. Oh man I felt so good, strutting around my little apartment.
However. The skirt is incredibly short. My underwear might show when I sit down or move or whatever. So I reasoned that I had 3 options:
- Wear something under it- shorts or leggings, maybe, so no one sees my underwear.
- Make peace with the fact that people might happen to catch a glimpse of my underwear.
- Be paranoid and careful throughout the entire party, avoiding any movement that might perhaps cause my skirt to move slightly.
Of course I used to imagine she would just think "haha I don't respect my body, WHATEVERRRRRRR" and totally not care who saw what.
Like, you're already wearing this evil immodest thing, you have no right to set a boundary and not let people see your underwear. (Wow if that's not rape culture, I don't know what is. Asking for it...)
So I talked it over with my sister, who said the dress would be fine as-is just for a regular party, but since I was going to a party at my job, with my boss there and me being a teacher and stuff, I should get some leggings. She said if it was her, she wouldn't want her boss to see her underwear. (My boss is a woman- is that relevant here? No, still wouldn't want my boss to see my underwear.)
I've never had to think about stuff like this before, you guys!
I told my sister, "but I want to be sexy" and she said "if you get some tight leggings it will still be sexy." OH MY GOODNESS! Do you know how many rules I broke by saying "I want to be sexy"? And wow, the idea that tight clothing is good- completely mind-blowing. Completely immodest.
Okay so I bought some blue leggings. And I still look great, I'll have you know.
So the day of the Halloween party came. When students started showing up in costumes- my students are adults, mostly in their 20s and 30s- I went into the back room and got changed into mine. I came out and was immediately made aware of Captain America's Chinese name (美国队长 měiguó duìzhǎng) because the students were all impressed and telling me I was beautiful and such- I was turning heads. And everyone was taking pictures with their phones. (Not just me- anyone with a good costume got mobbed by paparazzi.)
I knew I was beautiful. And I totally didn't worry at all about "what if my skirt comes up" or whatever- actually I totally forgot about it. I had the blue leggings so no worries. So happy.
And there you have it. My very very first time daring to be sexy in public. My very very first time unashamedly, explicitly saying I want to look sexy. Sure, there have been formal dances I've attended, where I wore amazing dresses and looked incredibly beautiful- but I always felt guilty for indulging my desire to be beautiful. It's mean to the guys, you know.
My body is freaking beautiful and I want to look amazing- something totally not allowed in Modesty Land.
It feels so good to be immodest.
It feels so good to dress for myself, not for guys.