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| Scene from "Captain Marvel", where Yon-Rogg is training Carol to fight, and her fist is glowing with energy as she looks at him with determination. Image source. |
I loved the movie "Captain Marvel" so much! This post is full of SPOILERS from this point forward, so, you have been warned.
In this movie, our hero lives on an alien planet (the inhabitants are called Kree) where she does military training and goes on secret missions. But she has no memory of the part of her life before all that. And the movie is about how she discovers who she really is. She finds out that she is NOT a Kree; her name is actually Carol Danvers, and she is a human from Earth, who used to be a pilot in the US Air Force.
Also, she discovers that the Kree ideology, which she had been fighting so hard to uphold, was actually violent, imperialistic, and wrong. She was taught lies about the Skrulls (which is another race of aliens)- she was taught they were terrorists and Kree need to fight them, but later she finds out the truth is that Skrulls are victims of war, who are living as refugees scattered around the galaxy, just trying to survive.
My FAVORITE SCENE IN THE ENTIRE MOVIE is near the end, when Carol is fighting Yon-Rogg, a Kree that had been a mentor to her. She is extremely angry with him because he lied to her about everything (and actually he's the one who kidnapped her from Earth in the first place). He tries to stop her by saying she needs to fight without any weapons, without using photon blasts from her hands- just like what he used to tell her when he trained her. He says she should fight him without weapons to "prove" that she can.
And she says "I have nothing to prove to you" and blasts him with a photon blast.
YES!
YES! I was so happy. I was like "Boundaries!" Because I believe in boundaries morality now, and one aspect of that is you don't have to play by other people's rules. Just because somebody says "you need to do XYZ" doesn't mean it's actually true. You don't have to change yourself to fit into somebody else's idea of what you're supposed to be.
And this is why I'm so glad I don't go to church anymore. It's so incredibly healthy for me, not being involved in Christian culture at all.
Because, I'm a Christian, but I know that good evangelicals have been trained to label someone like me as a "fake Christian." I used to try so hard to present my beliefs in a way that would prove to them that I really do love God and the bible and I really am a real Christian, that I didn't "fall away" because I'm "selfish" and "just want to sin." I know that if I use language like "feminism" or "mental health" or "I deserve good things", those are giant red flags which immediately get me branded as a "fake Christian." So instead I tried to use evangelicalese, terms like "legalism" and "the gospel is good news" and "by their fruit."
I tried so hard. I kept trying various churches and churchy small groups, tried so hard to play by their rules and find Christians who would accept me. It didn't work. Instead, I would just get so nervous every time. I would be sweating, with my heart racing, rehearsing things over and over in my head so I could say them in just the right way... trying so hard to push the discussion in a more feminist direction and correct some of the anti-human Christian-supremacist ideas that people were sharing, while still staying within the confines of their opinion of what a "real Christian" believes.
And I realized, back then, that I was starting to develop depression symptoms because of this. I was trying so hard to make myself into something they could accept, and I saw that it was going to lead to depression.
And eventually I realized, I don't need their approval. I don't need Christians' approval, and I don't need God's approval. I know I'm a Christian, and that's all the approval I need. So I stopped trying to go to church. I stopped trying to prove myself to them. And wow. Wow. That was SUCH A GOOD DECISION. No depression anymore. Everything is so much better, now that I'm not spending so much emotional energy trying to gain acceptance from people that are never going to accept me.
(Note: In my case, this is what cured my depression. Oh, and also I went to a lot of therapy. Everyone is different, so please don't interpret this as "this is what you have to do to quit being depressed, and if it didn't work then you should feel bad about yourself and it's your fault" or any of that nonsense that ignorant people are always saying about depression.)
And I could give a lot of examples like this, related to church and getting accepted by Christians. LGB Christians are always asked to explain how they can "reconcile" their LGB identity with the bible- like they gotta play some kind of bible-verse-go-fish game, like they have to explain their whole personal life to any random Christian who is "concerned" about their "sin." No. You don't have to play by their rules.
Or when I've been in a Christian small group and some man says something about how he doesn't agree with how this or that church "lets" women preach, and the group is supposed to treat that like it's an okay opinion for Christians to hold. Like we all have to be polite and respectful while we tell him we disagree. No, I don't play that game any more. I will not attend a church that acts like sexism is fine if the bible says it.
Or any time some random Christian on the internet pops up and asks you to justify how you can be a Christian and believe XYZ. And they'll only take you seriously if you have the same general approach to biblical interpretation as they do. Blah, nope, you don't have to play by their rules. You don't have to "debate" them.
Here's the thing, though: If you don't play by their rules, then you won't be able to earn their approval. Setting this boundary and refusing to play their games means giving up on the possibility that they'll accept you. But if they're not willing to accept you the way you are, if they want you to limit and censor and filter yourself to fit their expectations, then I would say their approval isn't worth it anyway. In my case, it was so damaging to my mental health, the way I forced myself to try to play that role, and it never worked anyway. So no, I don't try to get acceptance from church people any more. I've given up on that, and that means I get to be me and I don't have to prove anything to anyone.
In "Captain Marvel," Carol discovers her true identity, and she decides she doesn't have to follow rules made by people who have lied to her and tried to control her life. Just because Yon-Rogg says she should fight him without weapons, to "prove" that she can, doesn't mean it's true. She doesn't need his approval. She doesn't need to play by his rules. I love it.
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Related:
It Was Beautiful When Star-Lord Rejected the Gospel
From "Virtues Morality" To "Boundaries Morality"
Dr. Strange's Ways Are Higher Than Our Ways
