"This advice isn't meant for abusive relationships"

Silhouette of a man and woman holding hands. Image source.

[content note: abuse, rape, victim-blaming]

Here's a good post from Sheila Wray Gregoire: Why You Can’t Say: “This Advice Isn’t Meant for Those in Abusive Marriages”. Gregoire has written many blog posts and books criticizing the harmful marriage advice that is constantly being promoted in Christian spaces, pointing out how this advice is often so bad, it will make an abusive relationship even worse. And sometimes people respond by saying this criticism isn't valid because the advice was only intended for normal, healthy relationships, not for abusive relationships.

(Here's a link with a bunch of examples of Christian marriage books with this kind of unhealthy advice.)

In her post, Gregoire says this response doesn't make sense, because statistically, something like 25% of the readers of these books are in abusive relationships. And people in abusive relationships often don't recognize the abuse until years later. They just read these Christian marriage advice books, and try so hard to follow the advice and fix their marriages.

This is a really good point and I'm glad Gregoire is writing about it. I want to add a few of my own thoughts here.

When people say we shouldn't criticize harmful marriage advice because "this advice isn't meant for those in abusive marriages," to me it sounds like they believe abuse is something so alien, so far away, so rare, something that we wouldn't expect to ever encounter. Abuse is happening in another universe, where everything is different and weird, and we're just giving advice about normal things in our own normal universe. How absurd, to criticize this marriage advice for not taking into account such a remote, otherworldly possibility.

But this is not true at all. Abuse is, unfortunately, common. Every church will have some abusive marriages. 

This is something that surprised me a lot, when I first started learning about feminism. The feminist blogs I read were constantly talking about rape and abuse. Talking about rape culture- how our culture acts as though rape is okay. It was so surprising, because I thought rape and abuse were happening in a different universe, very unlikely to have any intersection with anything that I could relate to. Turns out that's not true.

But actually, the problem isn't "these books have advice that is fine for healthy marriages, but bad for abusive marriages." No. These books are all about how, if your marriage is having problems, *you* can fix them by following all the advice the authors give. If one spouse is just perfect enough, the marriage problems will be solved. There's no acknowledgement that two people are making choices here in this marriage; there's no acknowledgement that it's truly impossible to fix the problems if one spouse has no interest in fixing them.

The advice in the books is all about what *you* should do, not about what behavior you should expect from your spouse. Or, to put it more bluntly, the books do not say that your spouse should treat you decently, and that if your spouse doesn't treat you decently, they are the one in the wrong and you are right to be unhappy about that. (They do say a husband should treat his wife well, but they also say that if he doesn't, the wife can't actually hold him to any kind of standard.) Instead it's about changing your own behavior- if you could just be perfect and follow all the rules, your spouse would magically change their behavior. If you could just stop having the expectation that your spouse should treat you decently, you wouldn't be so upset when he didn't do that.

And really, it has to be this way, because conservative Christians believe that divorce is never the right answer. So you're never going to get advice about how to recognize that the problems in your marriage are so bad that you should get divorced. Instead, the advice is about how to be an even more submissive wife, in the hopes that this will inspire your husband to change his behavior, or about how to be okay with the fact that your marriage is unhappy.

Personally, I find it bizarre when people claim "but this wasn't intended for abusive relationships!" in response to critics pointing out how bad the advice is. How can you say it wasn't intended for abusive relationships, when these books are claiming that they know the secrets of marriage and following their advice can solve any problem? Logically, doesn't it seem like if you have a big problem, you should follow their advice even more? Are people supposed to realize on their own "the problems in my marriage are too big, therefore I shouldn't follow this advice that claims to work for all marriages"? Don't you think it's the people with the biggest problems who are the ones looking the hardest for advice?

But it's not just "when these authors were writing their Christian marriage advice, abusive scenarios never occurred to them, they never imagined people would try to apply their advice to abusive relationships." No, these books have actual anecdotes describing abuse, but not recognizing it as such, and claiming that the problem was then solved by following their advice. For example, an anecdote where a woman's husband treats her badly, always yells at her about things that aren't her fault, refuses to listen to her, gets angry all the time and she has to try to calm him down- and then she follows the advice, she prays for him, she works really hard to give him respect and never make him mad by disagreeing with him, and then after years and years of suffering, it finally works and he becomes a good and loving husband. 

This scenario *is* abusive. Is an abuse victim going to read this book and say "well, this advice doesn't apply to me because I'm in an abusive relationship", or are they going to read this book and say "this is exactly what it's like- okay, so, I just have to try harder to be a good wife and never make him mad, and eventually God will change him" and have no idea that they are experiencing abuse?

It doesn't really work to claim that it's not the author's fault because they never imagined that abuse victims would read their book, when the books literally describe abusive situations!

And there's a very similar dynamic going on with purity culture and rape. So far in this post, I've been talking about Christian books for married people, but I also have some things to say about Christian books for unmarried people, which talk about the importance of being "pure."

I was very surprised the first time I came across feminists saying that purity culture is rape culture. I thought, no, of course we think rape is bad! Of course we believe people should be pure and not have any sexual experience at all- so, part of that is, don't rape anyone.

But purity culture books for girls are full of anecdotes describing rape but saying it's the victim's fault, rather than recognizing it as rape. For example, there's a girl whose boyfriend wants to have sex with her. She says no. He asks her again. She says no. He keeps asking. He is pressuring her. It's really annoying. Finally she says, okay fine, and they have sex. And the lesson that we should take from this is, she failed to protect her purity. She should have worked harder to say no. She should have known that boys are like this, that when you have a boyfriend, he *will* try to pressure you into sex, and you need to be ready for that, and be strong in saying no, every single time.

What's being described in this anecdote is rape. This is rape. But the leaders who teach purity ideology don't call it rape- they say this is a totally normal dynamic, and girls should expect boys to always do this. And that one of the most important components of protecting your purity is making sure you always clearly say no, and never put yourself in a situation where you're not in the right frame of mind to clearly say no- because boys will try to get away with doing things to you that you don't want, and then claim plausible deniability, and it will be your fault, you should have known all boys are like that.

When I was dating my first boyfriend, he said he wanted to kiss me, and I said no. A while later, maybe days or weeks later, I found out he *still* wanted to kiss me, but he had never brought it up because he didn't want to pressure me. And I was completely shocked- I had no mechanism for understanding the concept of a boy not wanting to pressure a girl. Purity culture said that was impossible.

It would have been much better to frame the advice like this: There are boys who will pressure you and not respect your boundaries- so, be aware of that, and think about how to stay safe. In particular, if you meet a boy like that, don't date him! There are boys who are good people, who respect women. Yes, they really do exist! If you date someone, it should be someone who genuinely cares about consent- and that means they genuinely do not want to do things to you that you don't want. It doesn't mean they see what they can get away with, when you have a moment of weakness and you fail to enforce the purity rules. 

This is the standard we should hold our romantic partners to. But instead, purity culture resources portray it as normal that boys will always push girls' boundaries. Purity culture gives anecdotes about rape and doesn't identify it as rape, but as a lesson in what girls need to do to protect their purity.

And another thing: When I first read on a feminist blog that "consent can be withdrawn at any time," I was shocked and I didn't believe it. In purity land, I had always been told that boys just can't stop. If you start kissing, well, you should know that this might lead to sex, with no way to put a stop to it- so make sure you don't even kiss a boy, make sure you're never alone with your boyfriend in his bedroom, make sure you're never in a situation that could conceivably escalate and lead to sex. I read on a feminist blog "just because you consent to one thing doesn't mean you consent to everything" and I was completely shocked.

But purity culture tells these stories- a girl went into a boy's bedroom because she was attracted to him, and then they had sex that she didn't want, and the lesson to be learned here is that she shouldn't have put herself in that situation. She didn't do a good enough job protecting her purity. Purity culture tells anecdotes about rape and doesn't call it rape, but says this is just normal behavior for boys.

So anyway. The Christian books about marriage and purity don't give healthy advice- and you can't just claim "well, this advice wasn't meant for abusive relationships" because the advice is always about how 1 person can fix the relationship problems by just being such a perfect wife, without discussing the fact that a relationship requires 2 people, and if your spouse isn't even trying, then it is actually not possible to fix the problems. The advice is to look at your own actions and try to be even nicer and more submissive- nothing about holding your partner to a standard of how you deserve to be treated. Even if we're not talking about abuse, this is not a helpful way to frame the concept of a relationship. And, more than that, these books literally do give examples describing abuse and rape, but they don't identify it as such. They tell stories where 1 spouse is abusive, and the other spouse fixed the problem by enduring the abuse for years, while working so hard to be a perfect wife who never does anything to upset her husband (such as having her own opinions). They tell stories about a boyfriend raping his girlfriend, and blame the girl for allowing herself to even be in that situation- she should have known all boys are like that.

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Related

If One Partner Doesn't Want to Fix the Relationship, Then It's Just Not Fixable

6 Ways Purity Culture Did NOT Teach Me About Consent 

"Boys Can't Stop"