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| Stamp that says "Approved." Image source. |
If you don't like something, can you just not do it?
Some things, yes, I can avoid without needing to think about it, and without anyone thinking I'm weird for it. I don't wear skinny jeans, because they're so tight, the fabric is touching me, I can't have fabric touching me like that, I just can't. But nobody cares whether or not I wear skinny jeans. Nobody tries to make me wear them. I avoid skinny jeans because of autistic reasons, but this behavior is invisible to everyone. And for myself, it wasn't like I agonized over it, like "am I allowed to not buy skinny jeans?" For clothes, I just buy whatever I want, obviously.
For a lot of other things, though, I want to know "am I allowed to not do this?"
Am I allowed to go to an amusement park and not ride roller coasters? Am I allowed to not watch a fireworks show?
Am I allowed to choose to work in a job where I don't have to interact with tons of people? Am I allowed to take sensory issues into consideration when choosing a job? For these questions, I literally had never even thought about that, until I read the book "Asperger's on the Job" which I reviewed on the blog in 2017. It was so shocking to me, how the book asked readers to think through their specific autistic needs- about social interaction, need for structured routines, sensory stuff, etc- and take that into account when choosing a job. Really? Take that into account? Is that allowed? I had always thought... if you just can't work in some certain kind of environment, well that is just a silly thing you have to get over. Just get over it and be a normal person about it. Don't treat it as an actual real need that should be treated seriously and accommodated.
When you're an undiagnosed autistic child, you get forced into lots of stuff that you're not comfortable with. The adults say you have to learn to get used to it, you can't avoid it forever. The adults look into the future and imagine how limiting, how embarrassing it would be, if you lived your whole life, into adulthood, so immature that you can't tolerate some normal thing that everyone else is fine with. No no no, they won't let you grow into someone so pathetic. You have to get used to these things, as a child. Get used to them, and become a normal person, seeing your future of normalcy and non-wimpiness laid out before you. See, that's the future you want, right?
Am I allowed? Am I allowed to treat my sensory pain as a real thing, and take real steps to avoid stimuli that cause it? No, you're not allowed- if you do that, you're going down the path to being the wimp. No, get on the path to being a normal person instead.
At some point, as an adult, I had this wild idea that maybe I *could* just avoid things that cause me sensory pain. Could I? Who would give me permission? This is something I have discussed with 2 different therapists before, maybe because I was working off a model of therapy that says the therapist is the person who can give this kind of permission. (But now I no longer think this is a correct view of what therapy is.)
When I told them about it, I was coming from a framework of "Common thinking is that I should try as hard as I can to be normal, and it's not okay that I have these sensory issues. But I just thought of this groundbreaking new idea, it sounds totally wild but hear me out, what if I avoid these things, and (if necessary) politely explain to people that I just can't- I know this idea is so strange and unheard-of, but I've really thought through it and here are my reasons, do you think it's okay?" I didn't say all that, obviously- those were background assumptions that I had, that I didn't even realize it was possible to have different beliefs on.
And they didn't really give me the response I wanted- they treated it as pretty unremarkable that I could take care of myself in this way. They didn't take it like some huge controversial thing that I would need permission for. Okay...
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Sometimes on the internet, I happen across articles that people have written which explain the habits they use to help them get things done/ think more clearly/ be healthy/ etc. Sometimes this is in the context of ADHD (or similar), like "I've always had trouble focusing and getting things done- but here is the system I came up with that works for me." And sometimes they don't mention any kind of neurodiverse reason that they needed to come up with such a complicated system- but umm honestly, the kind of person who develops a whole quirky system to manage their daily life, and then writes a long article about it... I mean, I have my suspicions about whether that's a neurotypical thing to do.
I think it's great that people find their own unique system that works for them, and great that they write about it, to show readers an example. I don't think I've seen any such articles that had suggestions that were directly useful to me personally, but I love the idea of structuring your life in a way that's extremely weird, just because that's what's helpful for you. A lifetime of experience living as yourself will teach you what common "productivity tips" don't work for you, and will make you the most qualified person to find the ones that *will* work for you.
I love the idea of finding what works for you, and doing it, without needing permission.
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Is it okay to not try to be "normal"? Is it okay to know myself and my own needs, and take deliberate action that doesn't fit with society's opinion about how people "should" act? How do I know if it's okay? Who can give this permission?
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Related:
Is Therapy About Becoming "Normal"?
"Color Taste Texture" (a cookbook for autistics/ anyone with food aversions)
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