Wednesday, November 5, 2025

Blogaround

I know I just published a blogaround 2 days ago, but more things keep happening.

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Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Crisis calls among Oklahoma LGBTQ+ youth drop after Ryan Walters quit his job as the state’s schools chief (October 30, via) "Before his exit, nearly two-thirds of Oklahoma callers, 64 percent, identified Walters as a source of distress, according to Rainbow Youth Project."

2. “The Dark Side”: Dick Cheney’s Legacy from Iraq Invasion to U.S. Torture Program (November 4)

3. How megachurches twist the Bible to defend billionaires and wealth inequality (October 21) "'He's not talking about financially poor people, he's talking about spiritually impoverished people,' said the pastor."

Yes, this whole article very much rings true. In my experience in white evangelicalism, the teaching is that it's not *bad* to be a rich person- it would only be bad if you end up putting your trust in your money rather than in God. It's all about your heart, your attitude.

4. AI Isn’t Always Helping Chinese Office Workers Either (November 5) "AI helps generate proposals efficiently, but these things reek of that unmistakable ‘AI smell.’ Finally, I end up reworking them so they read as if a real person had written them."

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Image source.

Links related to the antichrist:

1. White House releases list of donors for Trump’s multi-million-dollar ballroom (October 23) Here's the list- companies and private donors. They all should be ashamed of themselves. Boycott them if you can.

  • Altria Group, Inc.
  • Amazon
  • Apple
  • Booz Allen Hamilton
  • Caterpillar, Inc.
  • Coinbase
  • Comcast Corporation
  • J. Pepe and Emilia Fanjul
  • Hard Rock International
  • Google
  • HP Inc.
  • Lockheed Martin
  • Meta Platforms
  • Micron Technology
  • Microsoft
  • NextEra Energy, Inc.
  • Palantir Technologies Inc.
  • Ripple
  • Reynolds American
  • T-Mobile
  • Tether America
  • Union Pacific Railroad
  • Adelson Family Foundation
  • Stefan E. Brodie
  • Betty Wold Johnson Foundation
  • Charles and Marissa Cascarilla
  • Edward and Shari Glazer
  • Harold Hamm
  • Benjamin Leon Jr.
  • The Lutnick Family
  • The Laura & Isaac Perlmutter Foundation
  • Stephen A. Schwarzman
  • Konstantin Sokolov
  • Kelly Loeffler and Jeff Sprecher
  • Paolo Tiramani
  • Cameron Winklevoss
  • Tyler Winklevoss

2. Could a Third Term Happen? (November 3) "The main reason to take it somewhat seriously is this: If Trump floated an idea like this and nobody pushed back, before long he’d be doing it."

3. No One Is Safe (November 3) "Seconds after the crash, agents abruptly stopped their vehicle and exited with weapons in hand pointing at Figueroa, a U.S citizen. Agents then forcibly opened her door and pulled her out of the vehicle by her legs without identifying themselves, presenting a warrant or informing her that she was under arrest. As bystanders yelled, “You hit her! We have it on video!” agents ignored the crowd and forced Figueroa into a red minivan and drove away."

4. USDA tells grocery stores: No special discounts for SNAP recipients (November 3) "The U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) emailed grocery stores prohibiting them from offering discounts to Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) recipients amid the government shutdown." 

I want to be like "Don't these people claim to be Christians? Aren't they worried about how they're gonna explain this to Jesus when he separates the sheep from the goats?" but, ah, it would be very naive to think that when these MAGAs talk about Christianity, it has any relation at all to the teachings and character of Jesus. Obviously we should all realize by now that it doesn't.

5. Some election results:

Mamdani wins New York City mayoral race, in a historic victory for progressives (November 5)

California voters OK new congressional lines, boosting Democrats ahead of midterms (November 4)

AP Race Call: Colorado voters OK income tax increase to fund free meals for public school students (November 5)

"A Stunning Rebuke Of Anti-Trans Politics"—Dems Win Elections Nationwide Despite Anti-Trans Ads (November 5) "For all the centrist consultants urging Democrats to “moderate” or sacrifice transgender people for political gain, the results suggest the opposite: conviction, not capitulation, is what wins."

Democrats didn’t just rebound. They dominated. (November 5)

6. More American Nazis in the news (November 3) "On Thursday night, the president of the Heritage Foundation — the MAGA right’s leading think tank — welcomed an open Nazi into his political coalition."

7. They’ve Won in Court, But ICE Is Still Detaining and Trying to Deport Them (September 22) "Lawyers and advocates nationwide say the practice of keeping people in detention after they win in court has become much more entrenched in recent months. 'ICE officers are no longer using their discretion, but just applying this blanket policy of, ‘We’re just not going to release you at all unless, basically, a court tells us that we have to,’' Benz says."

Tuesday, November 4, 2025

Good Christians Know My Problem is I was Doing it Wrong

A woman praying. Image source.

I recently wrote a post called The Power Dynamics of the "Personal Relationship With God", and... here's the thing: When I write something like this, it's difficult because I know that the response from good evangelicals will be to say that I was just doing it wrong. That I must have been in the wrong church, or I understood Christianity wrong, or I believed a slightly incorrect version of the "personal relationship with God" ideology that got me totally off-track, and so on.

(I like when people share different interpretations about how to think about God, prayer, etc! Keep 'em coming! I don't like when they do so with the subtext that my experiences are not valid and I need to change and believe the same thing as them.)

I have only experienced this a handful of times- some nice Christian who doesn't know me but very confidently butts into my life and tells me I understood Christianity wrong. My feelings about this don't really come from actually experiencing it myself, but from being on the other side of it when I was evangelical. Oh, we judged people so much. All the time. We were so totally sure that "so-and-so had a bad experience with Christianity, because it was the wrong kind of Christianity, and what so-and-so really needs is to get over it and believe in our version of Christianity instead." Yeah. When we did evangelism, this was a really common thing. Really really common to meet people who had bad experiences with Christianity, and then we schemed about how to get them to just get over that and get in line with the "right" version of Christianity. We didn't know many details about their lives, but we were totally sure we knew what they were supposed to do.

It's an ideology which isn't able to actually care about the religious trauma that people have experienced. Whatever bad thing happened to you in a Christian environment, it's just an annoyance that we have to get past as fast as possible, to get you to where you're supposed to be, which is believing in Jesus in the "right" way.

If you believe in hell, and if you believe in a God whose criteria about who goes to hell is whether or not you have a "personal relationship with God", then yeah, this is what it leads to. You can't care about someone's religious trauma, you can't care about someone's very legitimate reasons to refuse to go to church ever again. You can't care about all the reasons I said I'll never be in a personal relationship with a God again, and I'll never give my life to Jesus- I am in charge of myself. "I'll never give my life to Jesus" comes across like, them's fightin' words, rather than a suggestion that maybe I actually have good reasons for making that decision.

(When I say "I'll never give my life to Jesus," I mean I want to be like the first son in the parable of the two sons. I refuse to swear loyalty, but I'll do the work.)

You believe in a God who doesn't care, so you can't care either. Just rush past all that and funnel people into the "correct" beliefs, otherwise they're in danger of going to hell.

As I said in my 2015 post, When Christians Say "We're Sorry":

If Christians want to really apologize, it has to come with the acknowledgement that because Christianity has hurt this person, Christians never again have the right to tell them what to do.

Let me say that again: If Christians really are sorry, then it means recognizing that the victim's pain and anger are legitimate. It's not something you just "get over." It's something that actually matters.

If Christians really are sorry, they know that people need to heal on their own terms.

But of course, like I said earlier, believing in hell screws this all up. Because how sorry can you really be, and how much freedom can you really allow a victim to have, when you believe in a God who won't care about that on judgment day? When you believe in a God who doesn't care that church people hurt this person, and for their own mental and emotional health, they never went to church again... when you believe in a God who says you're out if you don't believe these specific doctrines about Jesus- no excuses.

How sorry can you really be when you worship a God who puts "the gospel" above caring for victims?

How sorry can you really be if you still believe you have all the right answers and everybody better listen to you?

Maybe try believing in a God who does care. Maybe consider the possibility that people know their own life and their own needs, and your religious answers fall flat.

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Related:

When Christians Say "We're Sorry" 

Cut Out the Middleman (or, why I am the master and commander of my own life) 

"You Weren't There, the Night Jesus Found Me" 

Yep, I Totally Did This Creepy Evangelism Strategy

Evangelism and Blabbing About People's Personal Lives

Monday, November 3, 2025

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Reading Halloween (1978) Through the Lens of Labor (October 30, via) "Parents, historically, have been the most recurring threat to babysitters in their capacity to exploit and prey on them, and yet with Michael on set, the threat of the predatory employer-parent gets completely displaced."

2. Scientists thought this fossil was a teen T. rex. Turns out it's a new tyrannosaur (October 30) 

3. Hundreds killed in Darfur hospital massacre, 'hero' doctors abducted (October 30)

4. Israel still blocking most Gaza aid as military carries out more attacks (November 1, via) "This is an average of 145 aid trucks per day, or just 24 percent of the 600 trucks that are meant to be entering Gaza daily as part of the deal, it added."

5. Too many rats? Birth control is one city's answer (November 1) "For all these reasons, Somerville is trying something else — an anti-fertility chemical that targets the mature eggs in female rats."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. America's immigration crackdown is disrupting the global remittance market (October 28) "What leads Yang to argue this is that immigrants in the United States send a jaw-dropping amount of money back home to their families. These remittances, as they're known, have dwarfed the size of official foreign aid that the U.S. spends on things like economic development, health, and humanitarian assistance."

2. America’s Assault On Real History Comes For The Staff Of The Charles Lindbergh House And Museum (September 3, via) "As of the end of August, it’s all gone."

3. Trump administration sets lowest-ever cap on refugee admissions to U.S. (October 30) "'It is egregious to exclude refugees who completed years of rigorous security checks and are currently stuck in dangerous and precarious situations,' said Sharif Aly, president of the International Refugee Assistance Project. He said that the number of those with confirmed travel plans to the U.S. is greater than the new refugee cap."

4. Trump Admin Attempts To Ban Trans Youth Care Nationwide With New Federal Rules (October 30) "Now the administration is escalating with a blitz of three new rules that could effectively end most transgender youth care nationwide if enacted—pressuring many medical institutions to drop trans patients from receiving the care they need out of fear of federal reprisal, and punishing those who do not comply."

5.  The Myth of the Woke Right: A Response to the New York Times (October 24) 36-minute video from Big Joel about how that felon never actually understood "free speech" to mean "free speech"; how the New York Times wrote an article about "The Work Right" but that's not really a thing, and the people who use the term use it to mean all sorts of different things; and the difference between cancel culture and government censorship.

6. Food Stamps are Good, Actually (Here Comes the Science) (October 30) "In the meanwhile, I urge you all to reach out to your local community to help out, or to find help if you need it."

And: Trump administration faces Monday deadline on use of contingency funds for SNAP (November 3) "The situation leaves millions with uncertainty about how they will feed themselves. Benefits will be delayed in November regardless of the outcome of the court cases because many beneficiaries have their cards recharged early in the month and the process of loading cards can take a week or more in many states."

7. US carries out new strike in Caribbean, killing 3 alleged drug smugglers (November 2) "The U.S. military has now killed at least 64 people in the strikes."

8. They were promised a lifeline to 'graduate' from poverty. Then it was taken away (November 2) "But just as you are about to receive that support, it gets canceled."

Saturday, November 1, 2025

My Ex-Evangelical Take on "The Year of Living Biblically"

Book cover for "The Year of Living Biblically"

I read the book The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible by A. J. Jacobs, and here are my thoughts on it. I wasn't planning to blog about this- I don't blog about every single book I read- and I thought the premise of this book was kinda silly and wasn't going to cause me to have any profound insights to post on the blog. But now that I've read it, it turns out that I do have things to say. 

(Judging whether these are "profound insights" is left as an exercise for the reader, I guess.)

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Overview

Jacobs sets out on this weird experiment/ performance art, where he decides he is going to extract every single command from the bible and try to follow them all literally, for 1 year. He also interviews a lot of Jews and Christians who claim to be following the bible- to some extent, he participates in the ways that they follow the bible, but overall he wants to be true to the literal text itself rather than later interpretations of it.

Jacobs is Jewish but wasn't religious before this. He felt this experiment would also help him connect with his heritage.

This book was published in 2008. I remember I saw this in a bookstore, years and years ago, when I was evangelical, and I kind of scoffed at it. I thought, "Here's a book where someone tries to 'follow the bible literally' to prove how ridiculous the bible is. This is NOT how you're supposed to follow the bible. Some rules apply to us now and some only applied to the original audience, and we have logical, reliable ways of knowing which is which. We're supposed to use this framework and only follow the ones that still apply to us now, not take every single command literally. He's totally missing the point."

Please note, Jacobs's goal was NOT "to prove how ridiculous the bible is." His initial thinking was, yeah some of the commands are silly and he's not going to get anything out of following them, but a lot of the commands really are meaningful, and it could be good for him to become more religious, and maybe he'll learn something.

I've heard that this book was part of the inspiration for Rachel Held Evans's book "A Year of Biblical Womanhood," (2012) where she spent a year literally following the bible's commands to women. (I have not read it, and I really want to. It's on my list.) Her goal was different from Jacobs's- she was coming from an evangelical background, where she constantly had to deal with other Christians claiming that women need to do certain things and be restricted in certain ways, because that's "biblical womanhood," that's "what the bible says." And she was making the point that no, these modern American Christian "biblical womanhood" people very much are NOT "just following what the bible says."

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The main thing I want to say is, Christians should learn from Jewish people

The bible is divided into 2 sections: the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament. (Christians call the Hebrew Bible the "Old Testament" but here I am going to call it the Hebrew Bible because it belonged to Jewish people first.) Jacobs spends the first 9 months of the year focusing on the Hebrew Bible, and the remaining 3 months on the New Testament. The New Testament is the part about Jesus and the early Christians.

This makes sense, proportionally. The Hebrew Bible is much longer than the New Testament. But, reading this as a Christian, it surprised me. Jacobs wants to follow the bible literally, and then he spends 9 months seeking out Jewish people who are extremely dedicated to their faith, and he listens to them and follows their advice.

Why on earth did this surprise me? Isn't it OBVIOUS, if you think about it for a second or two, that if you want to take the bible very seriously and learn from it, you should talk to Jewish people? They were taking the bible very seriously for thousands of years before Christians came along.

In the section of the book focused on the Hebrew Bible, most of the experts that Jacobs talks to are Jewish, and there are only a few Christians. He interviews young-earth creationist Ken Ham (a Christian) in an early part of the book about the creation of the world. He talks about modern Christians who are obsessed with the "end times" and prophecies about a red heifer- and there are also Orthodox Jews obsessed with this, and they are working together with the Christians, even though they have very different beliefs about whether it will be good or bad for the Jews when they finally get that red heifer. And maybe a few other Christians here and there, but overall, in the section about the Hebrew Bible (which is the majority of this book), he's learning from Jewish people.

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The evangelical take on why Jewish people are wrong about the bible

In all my years growing up in the church, I don't think I ever came across the suggestion that we should learn about the bible from Jewish people. Obviously, Christianity is the right religion, and all the other religions are wrong- why on earth would we listen to other people's wrong religious beliefs?

(I thought it was so cool, when I was reading the book "Womanist Midrash," how author Wilda Gafney brought in Jewish and Muslim sources, in addition to Christian ones. Other religions have useful things to say about the bible, and we can learn from them! I don't think I had ever seen anything like that in a Christian book.)

In general, Christians believe that the laws in the Hebrew Bible don't apply to us anymore, because Jesus changed all that and set up a whole new system. Christians have various schemes for how to define which laws from the Hebrew Bible still apply- basically if it's a "moral law" (rather than a "ceremonial law"), and if it's reaffirmed in the New Testament, then it still applies. I always got the impression that this categorization scheme was uncomplicated and self-evident and totally made sense, and therefore the people who are trying to score points on the internet by pointing out weird laws in the bible are just uninformed and missing the point. But NOPE, turns out that stuff about "moral law"/"ceremonial law" is just somebody's fan theory

So my point is, Christians believe we don't have to worry about all those bizarre laws. Just the obvious things, like pray, and love your neighbor, and don't be gay. Just the simple obvious things. (sarcasm)

More important than following the laws, though, is to believe the right things about Jesus. I thought it was very interesting when Jacobs discussed this in the book. When he got to the last 3 months and started to work on following the New Testament, he wondered if it was enough to just follow the laws, or if he would also have to believe in Jesus. He got different answers about this from the different Christians he asked- on the more evangelical end, people told him that the most important thing was to believe in Jesus, and if you're not doing that, the rest is meaningless. On the moderate/mainline side of Christianity, people told him that following Jesus' teachings is a good thing and can help us be better people, even if you don't believe in Jesus. For his part, Jacobs didn't want to believe in Jesus, because it felt like abandoning his heritage as a Jewish person. (In contrast, when he followed the rules in the Hebrew Bible, he felt like he was connecting to his family heritage.)

And in my experience, Christians have nothing but eye-rolling and mockery and pity when we see Orthodox Jewish people following strict religious rules. Rules about what to wear, what to eat, not doing any work on the Sabbath. We always looked at it like, they're spending so much effort keeping all these meaningless rules that are just silly and don't matter, and they're missing the whole point of what God wants us to do.

I had a Jewish friend in college that I used to discuss the bible with, let's call him Isaac. He told me that he had gone through phases in his life where he tried to be really serious about keeping the Sabbath and eating kosher foods, and also phases where he didn't do all of that. Thinking about it now, I would love to ask him what motivated him to sometimes choose to follow those rules, and does he think he benefitted from it? But at the time I didn't ask him anything like that; I was evangelical, and evangelicals don't want to actually understand people, they want to talk them into converting.

He told me about some of the rules for kosher foods. Exodus 23:19 says, "Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk." Whenever I had read that in the bible, I thought to myself, well I'm never cooking any young goats at all, so I don't have to worry about if I'm breaking this rule or not. But, Isaac explained, the principle behind this rule should apply not just to goat meat but other meat too. And, it doesn't just mean don't literally boil the meat in milk- it means don't eat the meat of an animal together with dairy products made from its mother's milk. And really we should just never eat any meat and dairy together, because you never know. Like, what if by some coincidence, the cow your burger came from is the offspring of the cow that produced the milk used to make the cheese on your cheeseburger? You never know! So that's why you can't eat meat and dairy together.

And I thought to myself, this is ridiculous and overly-literal and misses the point, and is like the Pharisees. Ah, yes, Christians have this stereotype about the Pharisees (whom Jesus interacted with in the bible), that they were working so hard to keep all these meaningless religious rules, and they were missing the point of how God actually wants us to live. I believe this is an anti-Semitic stereotype- yeah, I know it's in the bible, but it's still an anti-Semitic stereotype.

Evangelical Christians believe that, when people follow religious rules which are more strict than the ones we follow, they are being legalistic and missing the point, and that's bad. And when they are less strict than we are, they are being wishy-washy and watering down the gospel and being led astray by our sinful culture. *Our* rules were the exact right level of rules. *Our* rules had actual good reasons, unlike those legalistic people who were just following rules for the sake of following rules.

Here, a sampling of some of the evangelical rules: You shouldn't say "oh my god." Girls shouldn't wear a 2-piece bathing suit. Girls shouldn't wear tank tops that don't cover up the bra straps. Probably you shouldn't lay on a bed near your boyfriend because what if "one thing leads to another"? Also, every day you need to read your bible. And there was a whole culture war about the Harry Potter books and how they PROMOTE WITCHCRAFT and so you SHOULDN'T READ THEM. 

Well, those things aren't "legalism"! When *we* make weird little rules, they have good reasons behind them! When *other people* make weird little rules, it's for no reason and it's legalism.

Here, I'm gonna blow your mind: What if other people's weird little rules also have deep reasons behind them? What if they are the same as us- they are doing their best to follow the bible, out of a genuine desire to obey God, like us?

Even if we think they're wrong, we should still learn from them. They are the same as us. If they're wrong, maybe we're wrong in the same ways.

The Jewish experts that Jacobs talked to in this book, who walked him through the nuances of how they understand and obey obscure biblical rules- I think if I had read this as an evangelical, I would have been really dismissive of this. Like, the whole thing is pointless. All the effort they are putting into following these literal rules, which God doesn't require us to follow. But now I feel like... I can recognize their motivations, their feelings. I know what it is to feel like "I would do anything for God" and "God must have a good reason for this rule, so it truly is in our best interest to obey it." To feel connected to God as I put in the work to obey Their rules.

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The literal words vs the traditions

Jacobs's main goal was to literally follow the bible. In pursuit of this goal, he felt it would be useful to interview Jews and Christians who also claim to be following the bible, so he could get insight on how to interpret and obey the biblical rules. 

There were many cases where Jewish people told him about traditional interpretations of bible passages, which don't follow the literal meaning but soften it or apply it to totally different situations. (Seriously, Jewish people have been discussing this for thousands of years. They have a lot of insights!) Sometimes he ended up following his own understanding of what the literal words said, and sometimes, if that was impractical, or if a later tradition seemed interesting or meaningful, he followed the later interpretations.

Evangelicals make a big deal about how we're simply following the bible, NOT imperfect human traditions. We're Protestants. Those Catholics are all wrong, the way they treat their church history as important and meaningful, rather than only following the bible. Sola scriptura.

What this means in reality, though, is evangelicals *do* follow our own traditional interpretations, built up over generations, very much influenced by our own culture, rather than just "following the bible"- but we can't be honest about it. We don't even realize we're doing it- we've tricked ourselves into thinking that we're just following the bible, that our modern American [white] way of reading the bible is the obvious one and there aren't other interpretations.

I want to share a quote from the book here. This is the part where Jacobs was hosting a Passover dinner with his relatives. He made sure to follow the rules that Moses gave for the first Passover- eat with your sandals on and your staff in your hand, paint blood over your door, etc. (Turns out it is illegal to sell lamb's blood, so Jacobs used the drippings from the meat instead.) But he also learned about his own family's memories of Passover dinners over the years, and found that was more meaningful than just following the literal commands himself. This is from pages 235-236:

I close my Bible and let the story sink in. "Does anyone else have anything they want to say?" I ask.

My dad does. He has brought a packet of photocopied handwritten pages. They are a collection of childhood memories that his mother-- my grandmother-- had written before she died. My dad reads the section about her memories of family sedars in the 1920s.

Before the sedars, my mother would buy a very large live carp and bring it home (how, I don't know). She put it into the bathtub to swim until it was time to prepare the gefilte fish we all relished so much. We kids loved watching it swim, but it was so big it could barely (and sometimes not at all) negotiate a turn at the end of the tub. We all took our showers downstairs until after the fish was removed.

She wrote about how the kids would file up and down the stairs carrying kosher-for-Passover dishes, "all of us like ants, trip after trip, one after the other." And about how Uncle Oscar once ate a dozen hard-boiled eggs on a dare. About how, when the sedar dragged on, the prayers went "express, no local stops."

Her writing is vivid, fresh. The references to the customs are no longer confusing or foreign. The whole thing felt familiar. My Biblical rituals-- the door painting and sandal wearing-- were interesting on an intellectual level, but, frankly, I wasn't as moved as I hoped I might be. I didn't feel like I had been swept back to the time of the Pharaohs.

But this writing from my grandmother-- that did sweep me back. Perhaps to make a ritual resonate, I can't skip directly from my stain-resistant dinner table in New York to a desert three thousand years ago. I need some links in between. I need my grandmother and her memories of the leviathan-sized carp of Hinsdale Street in Brooklyn.

Maybe religious rituals are meaningful because they connect us to other people, to history, to our ancestors, to our culture. Maybe the point isn't that God said to do this, so you as 1 individual have to do it, following the exact instructions found in the bible.

It's not "just you and God" (as evangelicals like to say). You live in the context of your culture, and that matters, and you connect to God through that culture. Through your family, your history, your traditions. Through people, and the things that have been emotional and meaningful to people for many generations.

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A few weird commands I want to mention

Leviticus 19:23-25 says that when you plant a tree, you shouldn't eat the fruit from it until the 5th year. I've never spent any time thinking about how to follow this command because I don't plant fruit trees, I just buy fruit from the store, so surely it doesn't apply to me. But Jacobs wanted to follow it, so he contacted fruit companies to ask them about how old their trees were. He received replies that said they aren't able to tell him the ages of the specific trees that specific pieces of fruit came from.

He did more research into the life cycles of fruit trees, and found that some kinds of trees will bear fruit after just 2-3 years- he then avoided those fruits. But cherry trees take over 5 years to mature and bear fruit, so he would be safe if he only ate cherries.

Another weird one: Deuteronomy 22:6-7 says, "If you come across a bird’s nest beside the road, either in a tree or on the ground, and the mother is sitting on the young or on the eggs, do not take the mother with the young. You may take the young, but be sure to let the mother go, so that it may go well with you and you may have a long life." In this book, Jacobs says this is generally interpreted to be about kindness to animals. *But* some Jewish people have a ritual related to this, explained in this quote from page 186:

But the actual wording of Deuteronomy 22:6 is solely about birds and nests, and it is this formulation that Mr. Berkowitz-- along with others in his community-- has taken to the literal limit. He has set up two pigeon nests on his third-floor windowsill in his northern Manhattan apartment. Whenever there's a newly laid egg, he allows a faithful seeker to come over, pay one hundred dollars to charity, shoo the mother pigeon away, pick up the egg, hold it aloft, say a prayer, place it back in the nest (or, in some cases, eat it), and thereby check off this commandment as officially "fulfilled."

Jacobs goes and actually does this. It's so strange and I love it.

And one more thing I want to mention: In researching some of the biblical commands, Jacobs found that the intention behind them was to help the poor. For example, locusts are kosher. You can eat them. The bible says you can eat them. In this book, Jacobs buys chocolate-covered crickets and eats one. 

He says, even though the bible says people are allowed to eat locusts, that doesn't mean it was actually a common thing back then. He came across one interpretation that says maybe the purpose of this bible passage is to provide for people if their crops have been eaten by locusts. Instead of starving, you are allowed to eat the locusts. So, commands which seem extremely weird might actually be based in a desire to help people.

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Conclusion

The reason I wanted to blog about this book is because Jacobs got a lot of good input from Jewish sources, which felt surprising to me, but then I realized, well, OBVIOUSLY. You want to talk about how to take the bible extremely seriously, you need to talk to Jewish people. When I was evangelical I never did that, though, because only Christians had the "truth" and all other religions were wrong, so why would we listen to them.

Also, I was interested in how this book explores religious traditions and rituals as a way to connect to a tradition, a culture, a history, a family. Maybe the point is not just doing it so you as an individual can be a person who obeys God correctly. Maybe it's about human connection and knowing our history.

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Related:

"Ceremonial Law/ Civil Law/ Moral Law" is Just a Fan Theory 

Maybe Jesus Was A Pharisee

Thursday, October 30, 2025

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Elon Musk’s Grokipedia launches with AI-cloned pages from Wikipedia (October 28, via) "Entries also claim that Grok has fact-checked them — a controversial idea, given how large language models tend to make up false “facts” — and how long ago the “fact check” happened."

2. Audrey Hepburn’s Son Wins Lawsuit Against Chinese Restaurant (October 28) "The court ordered the restaurant to cease use of Hepburn’s image, full name, issue a public apology, and pay 200,000 yuan ($27,600) in compensation."

3. Shakira - Hips Don't Lie (Official 4K Video) ft. Wyclef Jean (2009) I like this song~

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. The PSF has withdrawn a $1.5 million proposal to US government grant program (October 27, via) "In the end, however, the [Python Software Foundation] simply can’t agree to a statement that we won’t operate any programs that “advance or promote” diversity, equity, and inclusion, as it would be a betrayal of our mission and our community."

2. What I Need You To Understand, Notes from Chicago in Late October (October 24, via) "What I need you to understand is that nobody is letting them go quietly. The Feds' every movement is announced by a chorus of whistles, by a parade of cars honking in their wake, neighbors rushing outside to yell to film to witness these kidnappings that are unfolding in front of us. Neighbors running towards trouble."

3. American Border Religion (June 10, via) "At the heart of this paradox is the conviction that borders must be rigorously defended even as America is celebrated as borderless and all encompassing. Borders are technocratic fantasies and places of extreme violence. They are efforts to escape the ordinary. They exist within and beyond the law."

4. The Moral Stupefaction of the American Public (September 29, via) "These memos are not particularly difficult to draft; a reasonably competent second-year law student with a Westlaw account could write one. It wouldn’t be compelling as a matter of law—in fact, it would be legal drivel—but it’s not meant to be compelling. It’s meant to establish conclusively the appearance of lawfulness."

5. Judge indefinitely halts shutdown layoffs noting human toll (October 28) "'The constant threat of being fired, which has persisted for months, has caused me tremendous physical and mental distress,' she wrote, elaborating that she experienced a severe stress-induced seizure while on administrative leave this spring."

6. The Cost of Silence: The Erasure of Black Progress Threatens Our Democracy (October 30) "Imagine waking up in a country where the stories of its greatest struggles and triumphs have been deleted—where the record of who built, shaped, and defended democracy is erased."

Wednesday, October 29, 2025

My Toddler's Experience With Baby Sign Language

A drawing showing a person signing "butterfly" in baby sign language. Image source.

I have 2 little kids. The younger one is a toddler and is learning all kinds of new things, including some baby sign language.

What is baby sign language? The way I heard it explained was, before babies are able to talk, learning some signs can help them communicate. The signs for baby sign language are pretty similar to American Sign Language, with some of them simplified to make it easier for babies. It's very easy to look these up on YouTube, just search "pig baby sign language" if you want to learn the sign for "pig", and so on.

American Sign Language is an actual language. With a grammar and everything. Baby sign language is not. Baby sign language is just some words.

A few years ago, when my first child was a baby, I learned a bunch of signs for foods and toys and various things, and tried to consistently make the signs while talking to him. I did that a lot but I don't remember him ever responding by signing back. So uh I guess that failed. (But now he speaks both English and Chinese fluently so I guess he turned out okay.)

(Well, also I have a full-time job, so I wasn't with him for most of the day, and the other adults in his life weren't doing baby sign language with him.)

For my second kid, I wasn't really showing her signs intentionally. But when she was around 18 months, we noticed that she was copying the hand motions from different songs that people would sing to her. We noticed that she's really good at associating a song with a hand gesture. She constantly demands that I sing specific songs to her, by gesturing. Oh my goodness, it's so adorable how she makes a little flower shape with her hands when she wants me to sing "Edelweiss." (Or, for some songs, she says a word, like if she says "ro ro" it means she wants to hear "Row Row Row Your Boat." Or she roars ferociously when she wants me to sing Katy Perry's "Roar." [Fact check: She is a small child and is not anywhere near as ferocious as she imagines.])

So after I realized that she's good at learning signs, I decided I should do more baby sign language with her.

I think my problem before was that I conceptualized this as a really all-or-nothing thing. I thought it was like, during their first phase of life, the baby can't talk or do signs. And then, the next phase- I read on the internet that babies might start doing signs at 8 months, if you're been consistently showing them the signs for a while- so during this phase they do baby sign language, and they don't talk. And then the next phase of development is when the baby talks, and there's no need for baby sign language any more. As if there's a clear line between when the baby "can't talk" and "can talk", and baby sign language is only useful during the "can't talk" phase.

For my little daughter, it's not like that at all. She's learning to talk- she can say a bunch of words, some of them English and some of them Chinese (and a few that she just made up herself)- and that's going great, and the baby sign language can supplement it. Some words are too hard for her to say when she's this little, but she can definitely learn a sign for them. And there are plenty of words she can already say, like "mama", so we're not doing baby sign language with those.

So it's like, a way to help her out while she's learning to talk. So she can communicate, even about things that she's not able to pronounce yet. And the more she can communicate, the better- she's getting to that age where she's starting to have her own opinions, and she often tries to tell us what she wants, and it's hard to understand sometimes.

This all sounds great, but in practice I haven't really done a lot yet. Like I said, I have a full-time job. She can definitely learn more signs, it's just a matter of me thinking of a word that might be of interest to her, and looking up the sign on the internet, and then signing it with her enough times that she'll understand what it means.

This could also be a good way to sort of bridge the gap between English and Chinese. She has some people in her life who speak English with her, and some who speak Chinese- maybe the baby sign language can be something that both sides will be able to understand. 

Anyway, I'll just finish this post by telling you about how cute it is when she does the sign for "butterfly." The sign for "butterfly" is you cross your hands and hook your thumbs together to make a butterfly, and flap your fingers a little bit. She doesn't quite get the sign right- she just crosses her arms in front of her chest, Wakanda-forever-style, and curls the fingers on one hand in and out. Oh my goodness it's so cute.

The other day I saw her flipping through the book "The Very Hungry Caterpillar," and when she got to the page with the surprise twist ending where the caterpillar turns into a butterfly [spoiler warning, I guess], she looked at the picture and then crossed her arms and did the sign for butterfly. She also knows the sign for "caterpillar," and when we read that book together, she does the caterpillar sign and then the butterfly sign at the end. It's just the most adorable thing. You can tell she knows many things. Many thoughts in her little head.

Anyway, my point is, baby sign language can be a useful tool! Don't stress about it if you feel like "oh, I haven't done enough, oh, we should have done more"- you can use it a little or a lot, it's no big deal.

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Related:

I wonder what my toddler thinks about being bilingual

Tuesday, October 28, 2025

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Whiteout: Trapped Trekkers Discover Dangers of ‘Hidden Gems’ (October 22) "As hiking and other adventure sports grow in popularity across China, enthusiasts have begun seeking out undeveloped or little-known spots, often promoted among online communities as “hidden gems.” As a result, accidents and disappearances are increasingly common, with trekking-related emergencies reported nationwide during this year’s eight-day National Day break at the beginning of October."

(Note, this is an entirely different incident than the other link I posted recently about hikers who had to get rescued from a mountain in China because of heavy snow.)

2. Shielding Chart (October 22)

Also from xkcd: Emperor Palpatine (October 20)

3. Why TERFs Don't Like Asexuals Either: An Analysis (October 25) "This is very similar to TERF explanations for trans men and transmasculine people.  In fact, as seen above, TERFs believe the same process causes women to identify as both.  It’s not a legitimate identity; it’s a response to misogyny, an attempt to escape misogyny by identifying out of it."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. Trump’s Gutting Sex Ed. Here’s Why That Matters (October 22) "More than 90% said that if they had had more education on those topics, their life would be better now: they thought they would have more sexual confidence, a better understanding of their own body, a better understanding of how to be a good partner, healthier relationships, a better understanding of their own sexual health, a better quality of life, or the resources to make more informed decisions."

2. Exclusive: Trump's demolition of the White House East Wing is nearly complete (October 22) Oh my goodness, he's actually destroying the White House.

3. ICE keeps detaining pregnant immigrants — against federal policy (October 20) [content note: miscarriage] "While the agency said in a statement in August that pregnant immigrants are receiving sufficient care in custody, medical professionals say the conditions in these facilities can heighten the risk for complications. Limited food can impact nutrition at a vulnerable time; access to medical appointments is spotty and often not aligned with standards of care; and pregnant, postpartum and nursing detainees also face the stress of arrest and separation from their families."

4. Taylor Swift, The White House Demolition, And Pathways Of Persuasion (October 24) "An astute commenter on BlueSky put it this way: Democratic outrage over the White House demolition was 'not as strong as the [Republican] pushback against the change in the Cracker Barrel corporate logo.'"

5. NYC Public Schools Becomes Latest To Defy Trump Trans Bathroom Ban Demands, Launches Lawsuit (October 18) 

Sunday, October 26, 2025

2025 Ace Community Survey


The 2025 Ace Community Survey is now open:

The Ace Community Survey is run by the Ace Community Survey Team–a community-based volunteer organization–in collaboration with Northwestern University.  It collects valuable information on the demographics and experiences of members in the ace community, including asexual, demisexual, gray-asexual, and related identities. Participants also have the option to make data available to external researchers, or only to our team.

The survey is open to anyone: ace, non-ace, or still questioning. As long as you are 15 years of age or older, we want to hear from you! We want to get a wide variety of responses from as many parts of the community as possible, so we encourage you to share this link with any other potentially interested individuals you know or any ace communities you participate in.

Click here to take the 2025 Ace Community Survey: 

https://redcap.fsm.northwestern.edu/surveys/?s=44EAW3J8FRWXMNTC or https://tinyurl.com/AceSurvey2025

You will be able to view any published results from the survey at https://acecommunitysurvey.org. If you would like to receive an automatic email update when new results or announcements are posted, you can subscribe here.


Thursday, October 23, 2025

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Air Bud Pt. II: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Web Exclusive) (October 20, 20-minute video) I love when people take the details of a fictional universe way too seriously.

2. From definitions to motivations (October 21) "Educators must be on guard against the shitty imaginations of skeptical audiences."

3. An explainer about kiwi farms. (October 21) "Kiwi farms has always existed as a community designed to foster, celebrate and encourage online harassment of vulnerable people."

4. Iceland reports the presence of mosquitoes for the first time, as climate warms (October 22) [content note: article has a close-up photo of a mosquito]

5. Reversing peanut advice prevented tens of thousands of allergy cases, researchers say (October 21) I'm kinda surprised to read this- I have little kids and so I've been through the whole process of how to introduce new foods to a baby, and the concerns about allergens, and the impression I got was basically "Don't give foods that are possible allergens to your baby until they are 1 year old! Oh, but wait, there's this other scientific evidence that giving potential allergens to the baby earlier can actually prevent allergies, and that also makes a certain kind of sense. Hmm, both sides have good points here, hard to say which one is right." But this article is saying yeah that standard advice has changed, now we are telling parents they should introduce potential allergens to their babies earlier, and this is a real thing with scientific evidence to back it up, and wow look how many allergies it has prevented. I'm really surprised to hear that "U.S. health guidance changed in 2015 and 2017"- that was before my kids were born, but when I was doing this for my kids, I very much did not get the impression that this advice was well-supported by evidence. I have always seen it talked about in parenting social media groups like "well, there's a certain logic to the idea that introducing these foods earlier can avoid allergies, but who's to say?" 

Could be that different countries have different standard advice? The groups I'm in are moms from all different countries, currently living in China. Or it could be that parents are overly-cautious, and view delaying introducing these foods as the "safer" move- even though that's not what the research says- but I can understand how intuitively it "feels" safer.

6. ‘Huge Lesson’: A Beijing Farmer Learns to Live in Climate Extremes (October 22) "It was 4 a.m. on July 28, when record-breaking downpours struck the mountains in Miyun District, northern Beijing, part of a storm system that swamped valleys overnight. By dawn, the flood had erased his 30-hectare farm."

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Links related to the antichrist:

A lot of bad stuff going on... don't get discouraged by all of it; instead, find ways to take action. Protest, donate money, connect with people near you to see how you can help.

1. Trump’s college compact is a trap (October 17) "The only reasonable response for now is for colleges to show solidarity and refuse."

2. We Found That More Than 170 U.S. Citizens Have Been Held by Immigration Agents. They’ve Been Kicked, Dragged and Detained for Days. (October 16) "'If the officers learn that the individual they stopped is a U.S. citizen or otherwise lawfully in the United States,' Kavanaugh wrote, 'they promptly let the individual go.' But that is far from the reality many citizens have experienced."

3. Millions Show Up AGAIN To Tell Trump They Hate Him (October 20) Photos and videos from No Kings protests across the US. [content note: one of the photos shows a giant penis costume]

4. Trump posts AI video showing him dumping on No Kings protesters (October 20) "President Donald Trump on Saturday posted an AI-generated video depicting him in a fighter jet dropping what appears to be feces on U.S. protesters." What on earth.

5. Why the State Department handed U.S. informants over to El Salvador (October 21) "So a core part of an informant relationship is that the United States says, you know, if you give us some information, we're not going to turn around and send you to the very government that you are giving us information about. That just doesn't happen."

6. White House begins demolishing part of East Wing for Trump ballroom (October 21, via

7. Legal experts question Rep. Goldman’s call for NYPD to arrest ICE agents if they act unlawfully (October 21) "'It is abundantly clear that the Trump administration is unwilling to police its own officers or hold them accountable for gross misconduct,' the letter states. 'Accordingly, NYPD — pursuant to the department’s own mission, values and oath of office — has an obligation to intervene and take appropriate action, including arrest, when federal immigration officers engage in conduct that is unlawful under state law and beyond the scope of their federal enforcement authority.'"

Also from Gothamist: Federal judge in NYC rules ICE can keep detaining people at immigration court — for now (September 13)

8. Arizona Attorney General’s Office confirms lawsuit against House Speaker Johnson (October 21) "Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva has still not been sworn in four weeks after her win. Arizona Attorney General Kris Mayes is suing House Speaker Mike Johnson, citing 'taxation without representation.'"

9. Home missions (October 21) "For 21st-century white evangelicals, Hudson Taylor and Lottie Moon are too 'woke.'"

Also from the Slacktivist: Get angry. Stay angry. Do better. (October 22) "That anger is the thing missing from all of the recent stories of more than merely 'problematic youthful indiscretions.' These stories involve plenty of defensiveness and dismissal and diminishment, but no self-reproach. No anger."

Wednesday, October 22, 2025

My Parasocial Relationship With God

Photo of a large electric fan, with the text "I'm a big fan." Image source.

I recently wrote a post called The Power Dynamics of the "Personal Relationship With God". It was about why the evangelical Christian concept of a "personal relationship with God" is not healthy for me and I'm not going to have that kind of relationship again. 

So instead, I have a parasocial relationship with God.

What is a "parasocial relationship"? It's a sort of one-sided thing where a fan follows a celebrity, and the fan knows all sorts of things about the celebrity's life, but the celebrity doesn't know the fan, and they don't have an actual relationship of any kind. They don't actually know each other.

And it doesn't even have to be a real celebrity- people have parasocial relationships with content creators on the internet all the time. Some youtuber or blogger posts a lot of things about their life, and people follow their content, and people feel like they know them, even getting emotionally invested into the details of their life.

Typically when people talk about parasocial relationships, they are seen as a negative thing. Like, you feel like you know this person because you watched all their youtube videos, but hold up, let's have a reality check: They do not know you. You are not friends. And it can be an extremely weird thing for the celebrity/ influencer/ internet person to have random strangers making references to the minor details of the celebrity/ influencer/ internet person's personal life. You posted it online, so all these people know about it, but you have no idea who they are.

I mean, I don't think a parasocial relationship is necessarily a negative thing. (And maybe I don't have the terminology right here- maybe "parasocial relationship" is specifically referring to the unhealthy version of this, where you incorrectly believe that you're friends with this celebrity, and there should be a different term for just being a normal fan? Not sure on that.) The key thing is, though, you have to keep it in perspective: You are not friends. And they are a person with a regular person life, not whatever larger-than-life image about them you have in your mind.

Anyway, so, that's how I think of God. (Well, except the part about the "regular person life" I guess.) I don't talk to Them, but I'm a big fan of Their work. Just spending my time following Their work, but I don't want any actual personal connection.

It's just like how I'm a fan of Taylor Swift but I don't think I really want to meet her. Like, what would I even say? It would be a cool experience to tell other people about, but ... not really meaningful beyond that.

And here's another thing: maybe God has a parasocial relationship with me. God knows all about my life. God loves all of us, individually.

Wait, can 2 people both have a parasocial relationship with each other? What does that even mean? Yeah, sure- what if they are both celebrities, and they both know who the other person is and maybe have some kind of opinion about them, but they've never interacted directly. Or what if someone follows my blog, and I also follow their blog, but we've never actually talked to each other? Like that.

Actually, I think there are Christian denominations that *do* believe people have this kind of parasocial relationship with God. (Not that they would use those words though.) They don't have the evangelical habit of praying and then listening to see if God speaks to them. They don't believe God gives them individualized commands that they're supposed to follow. 

I've been in churches where I judged them for the way that they prayed, like they were just sending the prayers off somewhere far away and weren't expecting a response. And I judged them for the way that they relied on their church's teaching about the bible to tell them what to do, rather than each individual asking God for the details on "God's plan for your life" and expecting God to tell you what specific choices you're supposed to make. And the way their church felt like just a tame ritual that you do, rather than the Creator of the universe coming down and grabbing you by the heart and overwhelming you, and it's wild and thrilling and emotional, and you feel that the only response that makes sense is to devote every part of your life to this God.

I'm not judging them any more. Maybe what they were doing was more healthy than telling everyone "you need to have a personal relationship with God." But also, I don't really know much about that variety of Christianity; it's so different from evangelicalism. I'm actually really curious about this but I shouldn't say too much here because I probably have a lot of misconceptions about it.

(I mean, obviously I know they're not standing in church saying "we have a parasocial relationship with God.")

It might seem weird and paradoxical, that I say I love God and I think about Them all the time and They are very important in my life, but also I don't want to talk to Them or have any kind of "personal relationship." But the way I think of it is, it's a parasocial relationship. I'm a fan.

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Related:

The Power Dynamics of the "Personal Relationship With God"

I Deserve God's Love 

"Maybe God Is Like That Too" (kids' book review) 

God and the Overton Window

Tuesday, October 21, 2025

Blogaround

Links not related to the antichrist:

1. Michael Tait | CCM's Biggest Star Abused Others For Decades [re-upload] (August 2) 1-hour-46-minute video from Fundie Fridays. I've posted other links about this before. Here is a long video which explains the whole entire thing. It's really horrifying the way he sexually abused people.

2. Israel strikes Gaza as both Israel and Hamas accuse each other of breaching ceasefire (October 19) 

3. Story of The Split: a zine about ace community history (October 19) "This term—this specific string of words—does not come from the ace community. It comes from people framing ace community vocabulary writ large as a threat to gay people."

4. Never Too Late: China’s Takeout Apps Remove Tardy Delivery Fines (October 20) "Under the pilot rules, drivers will no longer face immediate cash deductions for late deliveries."

5. Enchanted Capitalism (2023, via) "In the past, humans generally believed that the metaphysical structure of the world was determined by God. In a capitalist society, money plays that role: without money, you, or at least your needs as a human being, don’t exist."

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Links related to the antichrist:

1. No Kings, October 2025 (October 18) "If you google 'how to prepare for a protest', I think the advice is overly cautious, preparing for the worst.  But the median protest is entirely safe."

Also: Photos: Scenes from the No Kings Protests (October 18)

Photos: ‘No Kings’ Anti-Trump Protests See Massive Turnout Across the Country (October 18)

2. As tensions rise in Chicago, volunteers patrol neighborhoods to oppose ICE and help migrants escape (October 17) "Witnessing ICE arresting people in this area has become an almost daily occurrence over the last few weeks, Ivan says. A few days ago, he took a video of an enforcement operation happening at the nearby grocery store." (I posted a different link about this same group a few weeks ago.)

3. The Pro-Massacre, Pro-Segregation, Pro-Eugenics Administration (October 17) "Put another way, we’re no longer in the usual realm of Republicans whitewashing or downplaying the darkness in our history, e.g., the Supreme Court saying we don’t need voting protections because racism isn’t so bad anymore. This administration has upgraded the earlier model, showing through word and action that it believes the shameful sides of America’s past were, in fact, good—even examples to follow today."

4. In Shambles (October 20) "Petro tweeted that 'US government officials have committed murder and violated our sovereignty in our territorial waters. Fisherman Alejandro Carranza had no ties to drug traffickers and his daily activity was fishing.' He added, 'We await explanations from the US government.'"

5. Unfettered and Unaccountable: How Trump is Building a Violent, Shadowy Federal Police Force (October 18, via) "Speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of retaliation, the official rattled off scenes that once would’ve triggered investigations: 'Accosting people outside of their immigration court hearings where they’re showing up and trying to do the right thing and then hauling them off to an immigration jail in the middle of the country where they can’t access loved ones or speak to counsel. Bands of masked men apprehending people in broad daylight in the streets and hauling them off. Disappearing people to a third country, to a prison where there’s a documented record of serious torture and human rights abuse.'"

6. Adelita Grijalva was elected to Congress. But she's having trouble doing her job. (October 20) "Democrats in both Washington and Arizona have ramped up pressure on Johnson to schedule Grijalva's swearing-in ceremony, with House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, D-N.Y., on Friday sending a letter to the speaker demanding he swear in Grijalva during a short session, as the speaker has done in the past with Republican members-elect."

Sunday, October 19, 2025

The Power Dynamics of the "Personal Relationship With God"

Image text: "A personal relationship with God", with a hand reaching down from the top of the frame, and another hand reaching up from the bottom. Image source.


"He must become greater; I must become less." 

- John 3:30

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In romantic/intimate relationships, it can be a red flag when there's a big power difference between the 2 people. A relationship between a boss and an employee, between a professor and student, etc- these are recognized as totally unethical because of the power difference. It's a situation where one person can be coerced into things they don't want in the relationship, because the other person holds such power over their life. 

But what if it was a relationship between a person and God?

I'm talking about this in the framework of romantic/intimate relationships, because the evangelical concept of the "personal relationship with God" is supposed to be that intimate. Actually, more intimate than that, I would say. God knows you completely. God knows every thought in your mind. God knows all your motivations for all the choices you will ever make. And you are supposed to dedicate yourself completely to God. Sacrifice whatever things in your life God doesn't like. Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. Pray more- however much you are praying now, it would be better if you were praying more. Pursue God all the time, with all you have. No matter the cost. 

It's hard to imagine a more one-sided relationship than that. God is perfect, we are the ones who are imperfect, so anything that goes wrong in the relationship must be our fault. We are sinful. We didn't pray enough. We didn't love God enough. We are weak, and we are flawed, trying to reach through the haze to access the power of God and the goodness and joy of God, if only we would get our act together.

Oh, and in this ideology, God is all you need. Anything else in your life, if you lose it, it will be okay because you still have God. Rely on God to be your everything.

When I had a "personal relationship with God"... it was... I loved him. I was obsessed with him. I wanted to do whatever he wanted me to do, and I was willing to give up anything. I wanted God to speak to me, I wanted to feel his power, I wanted to see the amazing things he was doing in the world, I wanted to be part of it. 

If only I could know what God was telling me, what God wanted me to do- but it was so hard to hear him. It was so hard to know what I was supposed to do. I worried about making the wrong choice- I was supposed to do what God wanted, but what if I really didn't know what that was? Why couldn't he just choose for me? Why couldn't he just take away all my choices- wouldn't that make it easier for everyone? We're working with a belief system that says there *is* one specific absolute right thing to do, and God knows what it is, and I don't know what it is but I'm the one who has to do it. And I tried so hard to sit and pray and listen to God, this distant and noisy communication channel- doesn't this seem inefficient? Why doesn't God just take over my life and make all my choices for me- wouldn't that be the ideal?

And the way I had to police my feelings because of him. If I was in a situation where I felt "God wants me to forgive this person" then that was it, I had to forgive them. I had to. God wants it, and God is absolutely always right. I couldn't think it through, couldn't process my feelings on it, because we already know the right answer. To seriously think it through would be to entertain the possibility of not obeying God. My obedience must be absolute- how can there be any hesitation, when we already know God is right? If I question it, if I have feelings of not wanting to do it, that would be a sin.

Many many times, I had feelings about something, and I had to stomp them down immediately because they weren't what God would want. To linger on those emotions would be a sin- and every little sin is "an infinite offense against a holy God." I deserve to go to hell for that.

When you're in a relationship with a person, and you disagree about something, there's some give and take. You both are right about some things and wrong about some things; you both should listen to each other and learn from each other. Even if it turns out one person was pretty obviously right and the other was wrong, you still talk it through and work to empathize with each other and understand each other. I don't even know if it's possible to have a healthy relationship with Someone who is always right. Like, you already know it's pointless to try to tell them why you disagree with them on something. You're automatically wrong. To continue to talk about your wrong feelings and wrong opinions, as if they matter, wouldn't that be a sin?

And I believed that, if anything bad happened in my life, it was okay because it was God's plan. He could do anything to me, and it would be right- somehow, from God's absolutely correct point of view, it would actually be a good thing, even if it seemed bad to me. 

Maybe God would take away the things- or people- that I loved, in order to teach me to trust him more. Yes, plenty of evangelicals have anecdotes along those lines- something bad happened to them, and they eventually came to believe that God had deliberately caused it, in order to teach them something. Or, perhaps God destroyed something because you sinfully loved it too much, and it was distracting you from loving God. Yeah, the God I believed in back then would totally do that kind of thing. He was a jealous God, and we believed that was a good thing.

OH AND I almost forgot to mention, this God believed I was disgusting and dirty and never deserved anything good. All humans deserve to go to hell right now, but luckily God has a bit of a weakness and loves us, so we're able to get a sort of temporary delay in getting the punishment we deserve- we're living our lives here on earth instead of going to hell right now. And for those of us who believe the correct things about Jesus, Jesus covers up our sin well enough that God can finally bear to look at us. So basically, my natural self is really bad, but fortunately Jesus is changing me into someone that can maybe kinda sorta please God. I just have to pray all the time and pursue God with everything I have. Any deviation from this, and I'm a dirty sinner that God can't even look at.

(And I won't even get into this other goal that the "personal relationship with God" is supposed to accomplish: We believe there is a spiritual world, which we can't see but it's more real than the physical world that we can see. And the closer your "personal relationship with God" is, the more in-tune with God you are, the more you will be able to sense the actual real reality of the spiritual world. Sure, we believe it exists, but it doesn't feel real- but if you have a really really good personal relationship with God, you can get to the point that the spiritual world does feel real- and that's what we should be trying to do. You want to get yourself to where it's intuitive to interpret things that happen to you in terms of what's going on in the spiritual world, and ignore the common-sense physical-world understanding of what's happening.)

I'm describing it this way, and it probably sounds pretty bad, the way God treated me, the way I sacrificed my feelings and independence and personality for him. But at the time, I was happy. I was so happy, and I loved God so much. I was happy because I 100% believed in this ideology that says God is right about everything. It was so hard, all the things I had to do to obey him, but I genuinely believed that those were the right things that I should do, and that any alternative would by definition be worse. And all that stuff about me being a dirty sinner, it didn't bother me because I believed it was true. If someone calls you a dirty sinner, why would you take offense to that, if you know that you really are a dirty sinner?

(Years later in therapy it turned out it DID bother me!)

I loved this quote from John the Baptist, talking about Jesus: "He must become greater; I must become less." I worked so hard, trying to be that perfect pure conduit that God's power could flow through, trying to get rid of my own weakness and sinfulness. I've heard evangelicals say- and I believed this back then- it's not that God is getting rid of your personality and uniqueness; instead, the personal relationship with God is the ideal environment where your natural personality can blossom, and you really become the person God made you to be, when you're following God rather than being weighed down by sin. And yeah, to some extent that was true. I did devote my life to God in a way that was uniquely mine. But living that way, I wasn't allowed to have any real choices. That really cuts off a lot of one's personality and identity- not being able to think about what you want, and choose to do something just because you want to, not because you're "supposed" to.

And this whole time, I chased God and wanted God and listened for God, and also I believed all the evangelical ideology. All the culture war issues, I had the "correct" evangelical view, and I was sure that God did too- of course he did. All this time that I wanted to know him, and I believed he knew me completely, I was totally sure I had the right beliefs about all these things, and I talked to him with the assumption that he believed those things too. It all fit together seamlessly- my personal relationship with God, and my taking evangelical talking points as if they were just self-evidently true.

My "personal relationship with God" fell to pieces as I gradually realized that so many evangelical beliefs were wrong- but God cannot change- God still believed those things, and I couldn't any more. He was revealed to be a heartless bigot who bought into misinformation.

It was so bad, going through that. My whole identity had been in this God, and he turned out to be a monster and I needed to separate from him. Everything I had thought was certain, everything I had thought I didn't need to worry about because evangelical ideology had a pat little answer, suddenly all these questions sprang up like a whirlwind, all these reasons that showed God is not worthy of worship. And my whole life I had believed I deserved to go to hell but I wasn't worried about that because Jesus covered me so it was fine- but now that I was leaving this God, the full burden of my sinfulness in God's eyes fell on me... I couldn't stop thinking about how I was so bad, I was so dirty- because I had always believed that was everyone's default state if they didn't have a "personal relationship with God."

And here I was, no longer even *trying* to have a personal relationship with God. Hard to imagine anything more dirty and sinful than that.

Yes, evangelicals very explicitly believe that if you do not have a personal relationship with God, you are not a Christian. You are going to hell.

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It may come across as strange that I'm talking about the personal relationship with God in the language we use to talk about abusive relationships. The idea that the partner with more power can coerce the other into things they don't want- well, that's totally different when it's God we're talking about. God is always good and right, so if God coerces you into something, that's actually a good thing. The control that is a bad thing in a human relationship is a good thing in the relationship with God. ... Right?

(And yes, it is very common for evangelicals to talk about God coercing them into things. Giving testimonies along the lines of "God wanted me to do [something] but I didn't want to. Silly me, I'm so sinful and selfish, haha, you guys know how it is, lol. And then God caused bad/annoying/inconvenient things to happen to me, until I finally gave up, and agreed to do the thing that God told me to do. God always gets us in the end, haha. [audience laughs]")

I don't think that any more, because I don't have a God I can trust. The God I used to worship, I don't believe in him any more, but he was very real to me back then, and he controlled my life. There are many gods that people believe in- how can you give up control of your life to a God if you don't even know if it's the right one?

I believe in a God now, and I love Them, but I don't want to talk to Them. The power dynamics are too... I just can't, I just can't deal with anything that hints in the direction of an absolute "this is what God wants me to do"- it feels coercive. I can't deal with "here's God's opinion on this or that topic"- because if I agree with it, I can arrogantly feel like I'm automatically right, and if I disagree with it, I should be forced to change immediately. The absoluteness of it is just incompatible with thinking with my own mind and feeling my own feelings. 

I need some space away from God, to think my own thoughts and feel my own feelings. Let me be wrong, let me figure things out on my own, let me change and grow. I don't want to talk to Them.

Any time I say something like "God wants us to [whatever]", that's my own opinion, based on a bunch of reasons that I've thought about. It's not "these words were handed down to us from heaven and are automatically right"- I don't want that in my religion.

The power difference between a person and God is so huge, and we are told me must give ourselves fully to him, give up everything for him, obey him even when it hurts. And I used to do that. But I can't any more. I'm never going to be in a personal relationship with a God again. It's not safe to have a relationship that intimate with that big of a power difference.

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Follow-up posts: 

My Parasocial Relationship With God 

Good Christians Know My Problem is I was Doing it Wrong

Related

They Prayed About It (a post about the #NashvilleStatement) 

"Moon Knight" and Boundaries With God

Used By God 

My Identity was in Christ

This is what a "personal relationship with God" looks like. Be very afraid. 

I Deserve God's Love 

God and the Overton Window

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