[content note: anti-gay bigotry]
---
Sunday morning, Judas was at the door of the church, greeting people as they walked in. The church lobby was crowded that morning, as people scurried around with their bibles and coffee cups. When he heard the music start inside the sanctuary, Judas made his way in and found a seat in one of the pews near the back, next to a young woman with two braids and a pink skirt.
"Oh hi!" she said. "Good morning! I'm Jamie, that's my brother John, and that's Joshua," she spoke over the music and gestured at the two guys on the other side of her.
"I'm Judas Iscariot," answered Judas. John, whose hair was the exact same shade of brown as Jamie's, leaned over to shake his hand. Joshua, who was taller and skinnier than John, waved from the end of the pew.
"It's our first time here, and these two are too shy to talk to anyone," continued Jamie. "What would they do without me?"
Judas was always excited to see new people at church. And after the service was over, Jamie chatted with him for a while, and invited him for dinner with the three of them at her apartment.
---
Judas arrived at the address that Jamie had given him. At the door of the apartment building, there was a name directory on the wall, and he pressed the button next to "421 J Fisher." He went up in the elevator to Jamie's apartment, where she was in the kitchen with John and Joshua, assembling plates of nachos. Her hair was still in two braids, like he had seen it at church, but she was wearing jeans now. Jamie handed him a plate, and after Judas got his nachos ready, he and Jamie went to the living room.
She put her plate on a small white table, and sat on the floor with the tv remote. Judas sat on a large purple bean bag chair. She started scrolling through menus, and said, "Okay, so I'm thinking we should watch Star Wars. I always like to watch Star Wars with new people. You can tell a lot about a person by watching Star Wars with them."
"Oooh!" said Judas. "Wow it's been a long time since I've watched these. Yeah, let's do that. Which episode do you like?"
"Okay," Jamie turned and faced him. "Unpopular opinion: I actually like the prequels."
Judas was intrigued. "Weren't they mostly about trade routes being blockaded, or something? Something very boring?"
Jamie scrunched her nose. "Okay, yeah, there was way too much of that in episode 1. But. Listen. Qui-Gon Jinn was right about everything."
Just when Judas started to consider that, he heard John's voice from behind him, "Oh no."
Judas turned to look at John, who had sat down on the couch with his nachos and glass of water. Judas asked, "You don't like the Star Wars prequels?"
"I just don't like hearing her talk about them all the time!" John said, and Jamie gasped like she was pretending to be offended. "I'm not watching Star Wars with her."
"I bet Josh wants to watch it," Jamie said. "Hey, let's not even watch the prequels, let's watch Empire, everyone knows that one's the best."
"No," said John.
"You're no fun," said Jamie.
"So, uh, it's okay, we can watch something else," Judas said, unsure about whether he should try to stop their bickering.
"Yes," said John. "Judas should pick."
Jamie handed the remote to Judas, and he started clicking through the menus. Jamie was happy to offer her opinion on every single movie.
As Judas was looking through the list of comedy movies, Jamie suddenly exclaimed, in a fake high voice, "Oh my god, look how cute!" She wasn't looking at the tv; she was looking at something behind him.
Judas flinched a little, hearing her take the Lord's name in vain. He turned and looked behind him, where John and Joshua were sitting on the couch. Joshua was leaning close to John and had his arm around him, and John was glaring at Jamie. The way they were sitting together... it was like they were a couple. Judas suddenly felt panicked- were they...? If they were... He had come here, to Jamie's apartment, not suspecting anything like that at all, and... if... but it's a sin, don't they know that? But he had to make sure he didn't act different toward them because of it. He couldn't act like he was judging them. Suddenly things had become very difficult to navigate.
"Look at these two lovebirds!" Jamie gushed, and Judas was even more concerned and horrified, because that confirmed it.
"Stop it," John said to Jamie, clearly annoyed, and Joshua pulled away from him, looking uncertain.
"So," Jamie said to Judas. "Okay, this is such a cute story. So, after John graduated, he moved in with me here. But then, look who he met! And now he has moved into Josh's apartment. Wow, that's wonderful! Weirdly, though, all his stuff is still here!"
"Ugggh, can you stop telling people I moved? I still live here," said John.
"Listen to him, he's hilarious," she said to Judas, as she gestured at John. "'I still live here.' When was the last time you spent the night here?"
John stopped, seemingly unsure about what to say to that. Joshua spoke up, "So, how about we watch the movie?"
They started up a comedy movie, and Judas thought about the situation. So, John and Joshua were in a relationship. And, they were living together. Definitely not okay. Judas didn't know what to do. He was sure he shouldn't say anything about it to them directly. He needed to "hate the sin, love the sinner"- he needed to earn their trust before they would be willing to listen to him about it.
Besides this issue, the three of them seemed like fun people. Judas was actually really curious to hear what Star Wars opinions Jamie had which annoyed her brother so much. Maybe he could hang out with them more, and become friends. And maybe they would keep coming to church. Once they were more committed to following God, maybe it would be easier to talk to them about this sin.
As he drove home that night, Judas prayed and asked God to help him know what to do.
---
The next day, Judas texted Jamie. "So, you said you like qui gon, what about Mace Windu?"
Less than a minute later, her reply came. "Okay. The thing about Mace Windu. we all love Samuel L Jackson obviously, and people fall into the trap of thinking that means mace windu is also a total badass. But he's not. It's a trap!"
Judas smiled. The way she talked, the way she had so many things to say about Star Wars, it was fascinating to him.
They texted about it for several hours that day.
---
"I'm not playing monopoly with you," said John.
"Come on," Jamie said. "Monopoly is a great game! I'll even let you be the hat."
"I don't want to be the hat, and I am not playing monopoly," said John.
"Josh wants to play it," answered Jamie. "Hey, remember that time it was just me and Josh and we played monopoly, that was fun, right?"
"Yeah, I mean, it was fine. Sort of a case of managing my expectations. I knew you weren't gonna go easy on me," said Joshua.
"See? He loved it!" Jamie said to John. John rolled his eyes, and Jamie continued, "I am an absolute delight to play monopoly with."
"Okay, not true," said John.
"Hey, um, guys..." Joshua tried to interrupt.
"Wait wait wait, I know what game we should play!" announced Jamie. "It's a really fun game called Pack Up Johnny's Stuff Because He Doesn't Live Here Anymore."
"Jamie-" John started to say.
"Hey, guys," Joshua said. "Are we going to play something or not? If you can't pick, me and Judas are gonna pick. Now," he looked at the stack of board game boxes. "what's parcheesi?"
"Oh man, remember when we used to play parcheesi at Grandma's?" said Jamie. "Oh we are SO playing parcheesi."
"I just said me and Judas are gonna pick," said Joshua, looking at Judas.
"Well I don't know what parcheesi is, but okay," Judas answered.
Parcheesi turned out to be a game about moving little colored tokens around a board. Jamie played it like it was the most high-stakes, cutthroat strategy game.
---
"Here's what I don't understand," said Jamie, a week later when they were having dinner at her apartment again. "Hypothetically. Just, let's imagine a hypothetical situation here. Now. Why would someone need two guitars?"
"Oh great," said John.
"What...?" Judas started to ask.
"Two guitars," she continued. "That seems like a lot of guitars to have. Especially for someone who DOESN'T EVEN LIVE HERE."
"Okay, first of all, I live here," said John. "And second, they're not my guitars, they're Josh's."
"Oh!" Jamie gasped. "Oh, well, that's totally different. We love Josh. Josh can leave as many guitars here as he wants. You know what," she turned to John again, "you should really move your stuff out so Josh has more space for his guitars."
"Oh, sorry, I just, I just left them here last time..." Joshua said.
"It's okay! No worries!" said Jamie. "Hey can you play us a song?"
Joshua looked embarrassed. John smiled at him and asked, "Do you want to play something? You should."
So Joshua got one of the guitars, and the three of them watched as he started to strum it. He seemed nervous at first, but after a minute he started to sing a worship song:
"Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend."
It was beautiful- the way the whole room was quiet except for Joshua's voice, the way they all sat there enraptured, in an atmosphere of worship to God. Joshua closed his eyes, and started to sing louder and more passionately as he got to the chorus:
"You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near."
He went back and sang the beginning of the song again, and the rest of them joined in. Judas felt great, like he was really feeling the presence of God. He thought about how happy he was to have met Jamie, John, and Joshua.
And he saw Joshua's love for God. It seemed that Joshua was getting closer to God, and Judas was happy to see that. And, Judas thought, maybe soon Joshua would realize that being in a homosexual relationship was a sin. Judas wouldn't need to say anything to him about it; God would convict him. That would be the best way for it to go.
---
Every week, Judas saw the three of them at church. Jamie would sit next to Judas and make comments which annoyed her brother.
"John. Johnny. Johntober. I made up a song for you," she was saying.
John shushed her; one of the pastors was up front making announcements about events going on at the church. "We're be starting these community groups next month," said the pastor. "If you're interested in volunteering, email the church office."
---
When Judas arrived at Jamie's apartment on Friday night, she met him at the door, and closed it behind her as she stepped out into the hallway. "Hey," she said, very seriously, "Josh lost his job at the furniture store. He's really broken up about it."
"Oh no," said Judas.
She narrowed her eyes angrily. "They made some bullshit excuse about his 'lack of people skills' or something. Ridiculous, right? But it's really messed him up. ... He doesn't even want to play parcheesi, can you believe that?" she asked. Judas was pretty sure that Joshua and John had no interest in parcheesi to begin with, and only played it with Jamie so she wouldn't force them to play monopoly, but, okay, sure.
Judas and Jamie entered her apartment, and found Joshua and John in the kitchen, with 2 pizzas. Joshua did look a bit upset, as Jamie had said. John was putting pizza on plates for both of them, while Joshua looked down with a forlorn expression.
"Hey guys, look who's here!" Jamie announced.
"Hi Judas," said John. "This one's pepperoni and that one's mushroom and extra cheese." Then he balanced the two plates on one arm and put his other hand on Joshua's arm. "We're gonna go pick a movie," he said as he led Joshua out of the kitchen. As Jamie started to say something, John called back from the living room, "We don't need any suggestions, Jamie!"
"Move your stuff out!" she yelled back to him.
"Was that a suggestion?" came his answer, and Jamie rolled her eyes.
The four of them got their pizza and settled onto the living room couches to watch some comedy movie that John and Joshua had picked. Partway through the movie, John leaned closer to Joshua and started stroking his shoulder, while Joshua continued to stare at the tv. Judas felt a little uncomfortable, and wondered if John was touching him because of his sinful desires, or just to encourage Joshua when he felt sad.
When the movie ended, Jamie got up and started to pick up their plates. Joshua stood up too, and said, "No, no, I can do that."
"See, this is what I mean when I said you are like, the nicest person," said Jamie. "You are definitely gonna find a new job. Don't worry." The two of them went into the kitchen, leaving John and Judas sitting around on the couch and bean bag chair.
"Maybe I can help him," Judas said to John. "I sometimes interview people at work." (Judas worked in the financial industry.) "I can help him with his resume and interview skills."
"That would be great. Thanks, man," John answered.
Joshua and Jamie came back into the living room. Joshua sat down, and John put his hand on Joshua's knee. "Babe, Judas is gonna help you with your resume."
"Yeah, let's meet up on like, Monday, maybe?" said Judas. "And... I'll pray for you. It's gonna be okay."
When Judas went home that night, he did pray for Joshua. He prayed that God would help Joshua find a new job. And he prayed that Joshua would be open to God's plan for his life.
---
On Monday afternoon, Judas arrived at Joshua's apartment building, and texted Joshua to come down and let him in. Joshua showed up in a white T-shirt and jeans, with slippers on his feet. As he and Judas got into the elevator, Joshua said, "My apartment is kinda small... I don't know if maybe we should go to the Starbucks across the street instead..."
It was a studio apartment, big enough for a bed and basically nothing else. The bed had a wrinkled blue blanket. Next to the bed was a desk with a laptop computer and piles of papers, and a small chair. Judas looked around and saw a kitchen area on the left. The stove had a small stack of plastic boxes with half-finished baked goods inside, and several coffee mugs sat on the counter.
Judas's first impression was a bit of disgust at seeing the bed. This was where Joshua and John were... together. His second thought was, "Well now I understand why John doesn't move his things into here- there's no space at all. Does Jamie know that?" His third thought was, "Why does John even come here? It's a mess. Well, I guess, temptation."
Joshua pulled out the desk chair a bit, careful not to hit a box of books on the floor next to it. "Here, sit down," he said, and Judas awkwardly sat in the chair.
Joshua smoothed the blanket and sat down on the corner of the bed. "Okay. Umm. You know, actually, do you want to go to Starbucks? There's not really a good place for both of us to sit here."
So they took Joshua's laptop and went down to the Starbucks across the street, and Judas felt much better. Judas ordered coffee for both of them, and paid for it himself. He felt that he should do that, since Joshua had just lost his job.
Joshua opened up his resume document and passed the computer to Judas. Judas was glad to have something to focus on. He was glad to be able to help Joshua. This was something he could do to show God's love to him. Hate the sin, love the sinner.
They worked on it for a few hours, discussing Joshua's work history and skills and how to convey that in a way that potential employers would like. He didn't just need help with writing the resume; he also needed encouragement. Losing his job had really damaged his confidence, and he seemed hesitant to even talk about his strengths now.
"I don't even know why I got fired," Joshua said. "They didn't give a real reason. They just said my people skills weren't very good, but... that doesn't even make sense. That's not a real reason..."
"Yeah," Judas agreed. "I think it sounds like their own problem, and doesn't really have to do with you at all. ... Most people have lost their jobs, at some point in their life. You will move on from this and get a better job." And Judas really believed that too. There was nothing wrong with Joshua's professional skills. He was sure Joshua would be able to find a better job, and he was happy to support him in this.
---
A few days later, Judas spent most of the afternoon texting with Jamie about Doctor Who. She had never watched it, and clearly that needed to be remedied. When Judas showed up at Jamie's apartment for dinner and game night, he found Joshua and Jamie talking in the kitchen.
"...Okay, great, that'll work great," Joshua was saying.
"Yeah," Jamie said. "Hey look, Judas is here." She nudged Joshua with her elbow. "Tell him, tell him."
Joshua looked at Judas. "Oh. It's not that big a deal. You know how the church is going to launch those community groups, and we'll be reading a book on prayer? I just volunteered to host one of the groups. And Jamie said I can use her apartment. The living room here is great. I mean, you saw my apartment, I don't have space to have people over."
"Wow, cool," said Judas, but it didn't feel right. Joshua was going to be a small group leader? He couldn't do that, not when he was so obviously living a sinful lifestyle.
Judas was sure somebody at the church would refuse, if Joshua tried to volunteer for it.
---
Judas was on the schedule to be a greeter the next Sunday, so he was at the Wednesday night church meeting.
Molly, the church secretary, was clicking through the powerpoint slides as the meeting went along. "Okay, so the next thing," she said, adjusting her glasses. "The small group leaders have to pick up the books this Sunday. We're just gonna have a table in the lobby. If you need the books but you won't be here on Sunday, you can stop by the church sometime next week and get them."
He saw Joshua's name on the powerpoint slide with the list of small group leaders. Oh no, thought Judas. He thought somebody at the church would have ... somebody would have screened him out.
"Umm, wait," Judas spoke up. "Umm... you have Joshua Lamb on the list. But... he's... actually..." Everyone was looking at him. "... same-sex attracted." Wait, the issue wasn't the attraction, there's nothing wrong with being same-sex attracted on its own, the sin is that he was acting on it... "I mean... he's... he's not submitting to Christ in that area of his life."
The room was totally silent. The other church leaders looked horrified.
"So, you mean he's a practicing homosexual?" asked the pastor, Caiaphas, from the back of the room.
"Yes," said Judas, timidly.
"Oh, wow, thanks for telling us this," Pastor Caiaphas said. "Take him off the list. Judas, can you just let him know we took him off the list?"
Judas agreed, but he had no idea what he would say to Joshua. How do you "hate the sin and love the sinner"?
---
Judas sat next to Jamie at church. When the service ended, they started to gather their things, and she asked him, "So. I've heard there are a bunch of Doctor Whos. Doctors Who? Like 10 or 12 or 13 or something. Which one are we gonna watch?"
"Well, mostly I've watched the episodes with David Tennant, so I guess we would start there," said Judas.
"All right, and which of us is going to talk John into making nachos?" she said.
Judas looked past her and caught a glimpse of John and Joshua filing out of the sanctuary with everyone else. Suddenly, Judas realized he had forgotten to tell Joshua about the small group thing. The small group leaders were supposed to pick up their books in the lobby right after the service. Judas had to get to Joshua before Joshua got to the lobby.
In a panic, he tried to weave his way around the other churchgoers. Up ahead, he could see John and Joshua. "Oh no," he thought. He hadn't even had time to figure out what to say. He hadn't had time to pray about it. "Help me, God," he prayed. "Help me know what to say." He was terrified, dreading the awkwardness of telling Joshua he couldn't be a small group leader because of his... homosexuality.
He wondered if he should have taken Joshua out for coffee and discussed it there.
So many things ran through his mind as he tried to get past people and catch up with Joshua. There wasn't time to figure out what to say. He would just need to focus on speaking the truth in love. Whatever he did, it had to be about love.
Joshua was already at the table, where a woman named Cindy was sitting with several stacks of books and a name list. She was checking the list and telling him that his name wasn't on it. John stood nearby, fiddling with his jacket and looking a bit bored as he waited for Joshua.
"Hey, uh, hey, Joshua," Judas started to say. Joshua turned around so fast, not realizing Judas was right behind him. His face was so close to Judas's, Judas had a fleeting terrified thought that Joshua was going to kiss him. No, he realized, his mind was being ridiculous because he was so nervous. He tried to breathe and calm down. He looked at Joshua and managed to say, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Joshua looked at him, mildly concerned but not as panicked as Judas was. "Yeah, I just, they're saying they don't have my name..."
"Hey, so, uh," Judas lowered his voice and took a step away from the table, and Joshua followed him. "So it's... the church decided you..." He was so scared, but he knew he needed to tell the truth, that's what God would want. "...you can't lead a group... because... you know..."
Wide-eyed and shocked, Joshua asked, "Because... why?"
Judas didn't want to say it. He wished he could be anywhere but here. But, he reminded himself, the most loving thing we can do is warn people about their sin. "Because of your... struggles... with... same-sex attraction."
"What?" asked Joshua.
Judas had to do this, for God. God was watching. God needed him to warn his friend about sin. "We care about you... we don't want you to feel bad... but it's just... I can't condone your lifestyle... and the small group leaders need to be more spiritually mature..."
John came up behind Joshua and put his hand on his shoulder, but Joshua shrugged him off.
Cindy was watching, Jamie was watching, everybody was watching, and Judas felt so bad. Like he was hurting Joshua. Why did he feel so bad for obeying God?
"You don't think I'm spiritually mature enough?" Joshua asked, looking more and more pained.
"Well... you... God's design for sex," Judas said, a bit too loudly in the middle of the church lobby. He felt so awkward. Everyone was looking at them. "It's supposed to be one man, one woman." He almost said something about "Adam and Steve" but he stopped himself. This was all happening so fast and he felt like he was doing it all wrong. Racking his brain for anything else to say, he finally got out, "And... you need more time to work on looking for a new job now. And also your people skills."
A new wave of shock and sadness came over Joshua's face. John stepped forward and put his hand in front of Joshua, protectively. "I'm going to ask you this one time," John said, his voice low with barely-concealed anger. "Are you saying that, no matter what we do, this church is never going to accept our relationship?"
Judas felt trapped. Why did God put him here? Why did God have to send him out to stand in front of his friends and tell them what God said about their sin? All this time, Judas had thought that if John and Joshua just came to church and got to know God, they would figure out themselves that it was a sin, and they would break up, and Judas wouldn't even have to say anything, and wouldn't that just be better for everybody?
It was so hard to walk that line between "hate the sin" and "love the sinner."
But he had to say it.
"No," Judas answered. "We can't." And his voice shook, but he knew he had to say it, for God. "It's just what the bible says."
"Okay," John answered. With his bible in one hand, he started to guide Joshua out of the church.
Judas watched them go, feeling so awful. People were staring. He had tried so hard, but it felt like it had all come out wrong. Well, he just had to pray that God would use his imperfect words to somehow speak to Joshua.
And then suddenly, Jamie was right there in front of him. "I can't believe this. I thought you were his friend," she said angrily, and she turned and strode to the door of the church.
Judas wanted so bad for her to understand. He didn't want her to say he wasn't Joshua's friend. He hurried after her, and finally caught up to her in the parking lot.
"Jamie, wait-"
She spun around and pointed her finger at him. "No, you listen, Judas Iscariot. You come to my home, you eat my nachos, and now you're throwing my brother's boyfriend under the bus."
"It's not throwing under the bus! It's just the church policy! And, and, it's a sin! I'm just telling you what the bible says!"
"You don't know!" she yelled, and her braids bounced against her shoulders. "You don't know where John was before he met Josh! You don't know what Josh has done for him!"
"Yeah, but, I mean, he could have done it without dating..."
Jamie shook her head in disgust, turned, and started to walk away. "You don't know," was all she said.
As he watched them drive away, he had a nagging feeling like he had done something wrong. Like he shouldn't have said those things to Joshua. But he had done it out of love. See, Judas was the one who actually cared about Joshua, unlike his boyfriend. Judas was the one who cared enough to tell the truth about his sin. Right? Then why did he feel so bad?
That evening, Judas wanted to text Jamie and ask if she still wanted to watch Doctor Who. But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was sure she didn't want to talk to him.
---
Judas ran through it in his head, over and over. Part of him was sure he had done the right thing. He had spoken the truth in love. Of course Joshua couldn't be leading a small group if he didn't repent. That was just the simple truth of it. Judas hadn't said anything wrong. He had just told the truth about sin.
But, he felt terrible. Honestly, he had never wanted to talk to Joshua or John about... homosexuality. All this time, he had been hoping he would never need to say anything about it, and they would figure out it was a sin on their own.
"God, I did what you wanted," he prayed. "I did my best. But I feel so bad. Help me."
---
On Saturday night, Judas texted Pastor Caiaphas, to ask if they could talk before the Sunday morning service.
The pastor would know how to help with this problem, Judas thought. He would help him figure out what to say to his friends, to make things right. So they could be friends again. The pastor would know how to strike the right balance between "hate the sin" and "love the sinner." How to say to John and Joshua, in a loving way, that the church loves them but it's a sin to... to... to act on their homosexual desires.
Basically, advising them to break up, right? Judas rubbed his eyes with his hands. Of course that would be an awkward conversation. Of course they wouldn't take it well. Of course they wouldn't accept what he said. Because they were stuck in their sin... Judas really really didn't want to talk to them about any of this. Why couldn't God just tell them Himself? Why did Judas need to be involved, trying to tell them what to do with their sex lives? But now this had already happened, so he had to tell them something.
Pastor Caiaphas would know what to do.
He got to the church early on Sunday morning, and took the small hallway behind the foyer to get to Pastor Caiaphas's office. He saw light from the small window in the office door, streaming into the dimly-lit hallway. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door.
The door opened, and Pastor Caiaphas was there, wearing his glasses and suit and tie. "Come in, come in," he said, motioning to Judas to sit down in a chair. "Now, what did you want to see me about?"
Judas sat in the chair, and looked down at the edge of the pastor's desk, trying to gather his thoughts. "Well," he began nervously. "It's about... my friend... Joshua. You know the one I, uh, mentioned in the meeting last time. Last week. Uh, a week and a half ago."
"Hmm?" The pastor didn't seem to remember.
"You know, when we were... the list of the small group leaders..."
"Oh, the homosexual." Pastor Caiaphas suddenly looked worried. "You did tell him he couldn't lead the group, right?"
"Yes, I told him," said Judas, wishing that he hadn't.
"Oh," Pastor Caiaphas nodded, relieved. "Great."
Judas looked up at him, desperate for some answer to this. He remembered how Joshua had looked at him, how heartbroken he seemed to be, and Judas wanted so badly to make it better.
"So," the pastor said, glancing at his watch, "is that it?"
"Uh," Judas said. "I just... he hasn't talked to me since then. I feel really bad, like maybe I said the wrong thing. Maybe I ruined our friendship. ... I just want to... like... I want him to know that I still care about him... you know... we are all sinners, and we want to show love to people who are struggling with ... that..."
"Ah, I think I have something that could help you," said Pastor Caiaphas. He picked up his leather-bound bible which was on the corner of the desk, and started to flip through it.
Finally, thought Judas. There was going to be some answer in the bible. There would be a verse about how to "hate the sin and love the sinner." How to make his friends really understand that he cared about them and wasn't judging them even though their lifestyle was sinful.
The pastor continued to flip through the pages of his bible, than stopped and looked off into the distance as he tried to remember which verse he was looking for. "Hang on, let me search it on the computer."
Judas sat there and waited as Pastor Caiaphas sat down at the desk, opposite to Judas, and typed away at his keyboard. Judas felt more hopeful than he had in days. He was going to find some bible verse, and it was going to answer Judas's questions.
"Here we go, okay." Pastor Caiaphas started flipping the pages of his bible again. "Ah. Here it is." He slid the open bible across the desk, with his finger pointing to a specific verse. "Leviticus 18:22. You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination."
Judas just stared at him, completely dumbstruck. What did this have to do with anything?
After a few long seconds, Pastor Caiaphas helpfully added, "That means it's a sin, Judas."
"I know it's a sin," said Judas. He wanted to say more, but couldn't quite find the words to tell him why this verse didn't really help at all.
The pastor gave him an encouraging smile. "Nowadays, our culture has strayed so far from what God said. People think, if it feels good, it must be right. But," he tapped his finger on the page of the bible, "always gotta come back to God's word. This is where we find truth."
Judas felt so lost, like his chance at fixing his friendship with Joshua, John, and Jamie was slipping away. He felt like the pastor was totally missing the point- or maybe he was the one who was missing the point...
Pastor Caiaphas started to stand up. "Anyway, I've got to go up and get ready for the service. Hey, you know what, I have a book that might be helpful for you. You can borrow it if you want." He stood up, pulled a book from his bookshelf, and handed it to Judas. Some title about what the bible says about homosexuality.
"All right, well, I'll see you in there," the pastor said, as he started to walk out the door, leaving Judas sitting in the office alone.
"Bye..." Judas managed to say.
Judas slowly got up, and came out of the office to stand in the narrow hallway. What was he going to do? He really thought Pastor Caiaphas would have answers for him, but what if there were no answers? What if he really had messed things up? What if the church didn't want him being friends with Joshua at all?
He looked down at the book in his hands. It didn't seem to be remotely helpful at all. He didn't need anyone to tell him that homosexual relationships were sinful. He already knew that. The actual issue was, how should he interact with people who were stuck in that lifestyle? How would he love them, as God loves them, without accepting their sinful lifestyle?
He opened the book to somewhere in the middle, and started reading. For some reason, the book was talking about teletubbies. One of the teletubbies was male and carried a purse, Judas read, and this was a sign of how the liberal media is trying to indoctrinate children into the homosexual lifestyle.
What on earth?
Judas's vision blurred as he tried to hold back tears. This is what I betrayed my friends for? Because some teletubby has a purse, and we're scared of that? He had come to the church for help, to learn how to love his friends, but all that he found was condemnation of sin, and culture wars about teletubbies.
Enraged, he threw the book against the wall and stormed out of the church. When he got to his car, he sat in the driver's seat and cried in the parking lot.
---
After another week, he finally got up the courage to call Jamie. She answered her phone, "What do you want?"
"Hi, Jamie, I just want to say I'm sorry, I guess, to Joshua..." Judas said.
"You're sorry for what exactly?" asked Jamie.
So many things raced through his mind- about how he cared about Joshua, about "hate the sin, love the sinner," about "speaking the truth in love," about nachos and guitars and Star Wars and parcheesi and resume writing in Starbucks, and how he didn't want to lose all that. But none of it answered Jamie's question. Judas was sorry for what, exactly? He didn't quite know.
"I..." he started to say. He was going to tell her "I shouldn't have said those things," but, shouldn't he? He was just telling the truth about their sin. It had felt so wrong, but it had to have been the right thing to do- it's what the bible says.
He was sorry for what, exactly? He had no idea.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," said Jamie, and hung up on him.
---
6 months later, Judas hadn't gone back to church at all. One day, he was scrolling through Facebook and saw that John and Joshua were engaged. He was happy for them- and it surprised him, that that was his first reaction. He really was happy for them. He was glad they had each other. That was good- unlike what he had done to Joshua. (Distantly, he wondered if John had ever gotten his stuff out of Jamie's apartment.)
"Should I give it a like?" thought Judas. It seemed so weak and inadequate, to show up out of nowhere and "like" their Facebook post, after not talking to them for 6 months. After... what he had done.
Weak and inadequate, yes, but at the same time, it would be crossing a line that he had never crossed before. He had never ever ever said anything positive about John and Joshua's relationship. He had always been careful to never do or say anything that could be interpreted as "condoning sin." But now he genuinely felt happy for them. That was new.
Does "love" mean a struggle to find the exact right level of judgment one should have toward one's friends? Don't judge them so obviously that they notice you're doing it, and they stop hanging out with you- but don't be too nice and "condone their sin." What if "love" means something different than that?
Judas wanted to learn to do better. Even though he didn't think he could talk to John or Joshua, he could at least be a better person the next time he met an LGBT person. He was going to read, he was going to listen, he was going to learn, and he was going to believe in a God who was love, rather than a God who would be angry at him for not judging people enough.
He clicked "like" and vowed to do better.
---
More bible fanfics:
Mary's Choice
Love Wins (an Ezra fanfic)
Strange Fire
What Would Abraham Do? (a bible fanfic)
Related:
Unaffirming Church Bingo
Searching for a Less Terrible Way to Express Your Hateful Theology Doesn't Count as "Love"
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This post is part of a series on the gospel of Matthew.
Previous post: Sheep and Goats (Matthew 25:31-46)
Click here to go to the beginning of the series.
