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| The colors of the asexual flag. Image source. |
So 2 months ago I wrote How Pregnancy and Childbirth Changed My Asexuality (or, actually, A Post About Vaginismus), which was a big deal for me; I had a lot to say, and it was a very long post. (To sum up: It was about how, after I recovered from childbirth, penetrative sex became so much easier it's like unbelievable, it's like a completely different thing, and I actually enjoy sex now in completely different ways. Which also leads to wondering if maybe I'm not asexual.)
Since I published it, I've been thinking about things more and more, and I feel like I have so much more to say. There is potential for a lot of future posts, once I'm able to organize my thoughts a little more. But for now I just want to say this: I'm still asexual.
Towards the end of that post, I said "So what's left then? Asexual? Well, yeah that fits, that feels right. Okay then." I wasn't super-confident- but now, the more I think about it, the more I am confident I'm asexual.
I know the textbook definition of asexual is "never experiencing sexual attraction" but that's not really the way I personally view it now. I identify as asexual because I don't *get* sex. When people talk about it, or make jokes, or I see it referenced in songs or movies, none of it feels like anything I can relate to at all. I understand having sex with Hendrix (my husband) specifically, but sex as a general abstract concept? Like something that can be generalized and can apply to other people? No, that doesn't make any sense.
And I feel like a lot of this is related to how I grew up in Christian purity culture, super repressed about everything, was terrified that sex would ruin my life, and then when I finally did have sex, it was painful and confusing and I now see that it was a physical problem along the lines of vaginismus. And all of that has laid the groundwork for how I view sex; maybe that's the reason pop culture references to sex make no sense to me. Maybe if my whole life experience had been different, then I wouldn't feel like "I don't *get* sex".
Maybe not, though... I used to think I *got* sex, way back before I had ever done anything sexual, and then I attempted it for the first time and it was completely different than I expected. Because of vaginismus- but, I believe, also because I'm asexual. But if I didn't have the vaginismus problem, I wouldn't have realized I was asexual.
And sometimes I look back on things I thought or did back then, when I was a teenager or college student, and some of it is just extremely asexual. So I believe I still do fit the definition "never experiencing sexual attraction" even though that's not the definition that's meaningful to me.
Ugh it's hard to put my reasons into words, but I'm still asexual. My whole experience of sex and ability to have sex and desire for sex has changed, but I'm still asexual.
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Related:
How Pregnancy and Childbirth Changed My Asexuality (or, actually, A Post About Vaginismus)
LOLLLLL yep should have known right then I was asexual
3 Reasons I Need To Identify As Ace
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This post is part of the May 2021 Carnival of Aces. The topic is Words and Conceptualizations
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