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| A church building. Image source. |
All of this has me thinking about myself and how much better my mental health is now than it was a few years ago.
When I was in the process of leaving evangelicalism, I was so angry. And I had good reasons to be angry: I was discovering that the belief system I'd dedicated my life to was built on a foundation of blatantly lying about people who were different from us. And that when we start to realize this and point it out, our "church family" responds by accusing us of not caring about the bible or God, not being a real Christian, just wanting to take the easy way out, just wanting to sin. Of course I was angry.
And I had depression, because I lived with Hendrix when we were not married and obviously that means God thinks I'm dirty and bad.
My whole religion and worldview and value system was changing. I was angry and depressed and didn't feel safe. And I now see that there were times I got in arguments with people, when that really wasn't a useful thing to do. I lashed out at them because I saw them as representations of the things I was angry about.
Even though that wasn't a good thing to do, maybe it was unavoidable- so I can't necessarily say I "regret" it. But I wasn't in a healthy place, and I'm glad I'm doing so much better now.
What's different now? I can sum it up like this: boundaries. Now I know about boundaries. Now I know that I am in charge of myself. I have the right to make my own decisions, to define my own identity, to accept myself. If other people don't like it, well, whatever. They can't do anything to me. It's my life, not theirs. Boundaries.
I used to believe that everybody could just be all up in everybody else's business. Barge into people's lives and ask them personal questions and demand that they give an explanation for choices they've made in their own personal lives. That's what Christian "accountability" is about, and that's what evangelism is about. (And also my family's love language is teasing and pestering each other about everything... which is fun and hilarious and not something I'd want to change, but it very much did NOT teach me boundaries.) I thought that my choices and my identity were up for public scrutiny and debate, and it was my responsibility to offer arguments refuting anyone who told me I wasn't allowed to make the choices I made.
And so I was so stressed and anxious about the problem of not being able to convince church people that I'm a Christian. I thought they were in a position to judge me. I thought my worth and my identity was based on my success in convincing them.
None of that is true. Boundaries. Boundaries means I'm in charge of myself, and I'm not responsible for other people's opinions or feelings about things that I'm within my rights to do. I have nothing to prove to them. It's a game I can't win, and so what? Boundaries means I can opt out of playing.
A few years ago, I was searching far and wide for a Christian group that would accept me and tell me I am a real Christian. I cared so much about their opinions, and therefore I was extremely stressed and had depression symptoms and got into arguments.
But now I don't need church people to tell me if I'm good enough or not. And now I'm able to attend my parents' church (the church where I grew up) every now and then, without getting angry. I don't see myself as part of that church; that ship sailed a long time ago, and it doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm more like an anthropological researcher checking in on them. Occasionally I speak up and comment on something I disagree with, but I don't try to offer a grand refutation of every last bit, just a few sentences.
Used to be, when I spoke up like that in church, my goal was to get them to agree with me, or get them to tell me I'm allowed to believe what I believe, or get them to change their mind. But I don't need their approval anymore, and so I'm not trying to actually convince anyone. Instead, my goals now are to make onlookers aware that not all Christians agree with what was said, and maybe prompt people to think about it more on their own time and change their minds in the future. And so I'm not interested in getting into a whole argument. All that's needed is 1 or 2 sentences to summarize what I want to say.
I can sum up what's changed by saying "I know about boundaries now" but the reality wasn't that easy. Not caring what church people think about my personal life was a gradual change that took a lot of time. I don't want anyone to take this as "well just stop caring what they think, it's easy" because our church friends were our closest friends, so of course there's a lot of pain in being cut off from them. That pain is real, and it truly does take time to get past it.
And another thing that was ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL for my healing was being completely out of Christian culture for years. Like when did I stop trying to go to church, 2015? 2016? SUCH A GOOD DECISION. Since then, I have gone to church a few times here and there, but it's been on my own terms. Not "I am dependent on these people to meet my need to have my Christian identity affirmed."
Also, really glad I went to therapy back when I had depression.
All of this has me thinking about my current feelings toward evangelicalism and what I want to write about on this blog in the future. I find I don't care as much about whatever backwards nonsense thing some evangelical pastor tweeted. Like, oh look, John Piper posted a bad take about hell. Well, of course he did. What else is new. I can't find it in me to really care that much.
I don't want to write about "here's a detailed explanation of this or that specific evangelical belief and why it's effed-up." I got out of that world and it doesn't affect me any more, so why spend my time on it? In the past, I needed to write those posts; as I said, the angry part is an important phase we need to go through. And I know there are people out there who need to read posts like that. That's completely valid. But it's not necessarily what I want to focus on.
I want to write more positively about "here's what Christianity means to me" and things like that. I like writing about asexuality because there are very few other bloggers talking about it. I want to talk about the bible. I've written several posts lately on culture and objectivity, and I want to keep exploring that; being an immigrant in China has given me a unique perspective on that. I have a baby now, so I have a lot of opinions about pregnancy and parenting. And I have a bunch of other ideas, but lololol I don't necessarily want to say yet because maybe it'll take me years to actually get them written, and I'll feel like I'm letting you readers down by teasing them. I have ideas that have been cooking for years...
So that's where I am right now. Reading Field's post got me reflecting on how my own feelings toward evangelicalism have changed, and how my mental health is so much better now than it was a few years ago. It's because of boundaries. It took a lot of time, therapy, and avoiding Christian culture, but now I really do believe that my beliefs belong to me and I don't need anyone else's approval. I don't need to get into arguments to prove myself to anyone. If they want to judge me for things that are none of their business, well, whatever. I can't be bothered to care.
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Related:
From "Virtues Morality" To "Boundaries Morality"
Accepting Myself (or, I'm Great, and It Doesn't Matter What God Thinks)
Boundaries and Lunch
Captain Marvel, Boundaries, and Why I Don't Go To Church
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Thank you to everyone who participated in the 2019 Reader Survey last May. One of the top-voted topics was mental health~ hence this post.
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