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| Checkboxes that say "yes" and "no." Image source. |
I saw this tweet from @emilyjoypoetry:
If you grew up in #purityculture, when were you first taught about the concept of consent?— Emily Joy (@emilyjoypoetry) November 5, 2019
I voted for "Never/as an adult". But this got me thinking, when we talk about "when did you learn about consent", what do we mean exactly?
As a child I certainly knew the word "consent", and I would have defined it as agreement, permission, something along those lines. I knew that typically when people use the word "consent" they're using it in the context of sex. I knew that nonconsensual sex is rape. I knew that if Person A says no but then Person B physically forces them to do sexual things and there's no way for Person A to escape, then that's rape, and it's not Person A's fault. I knew that if Person A says no but Person B tries to talk them into it anyway, then Person B is doing a bad thing.
And while all of that information is true, I would now say, no, I didn't get the concept of consent until very recently, as an adult.
So in this post I'd like to discuss 6 aspects of consent that I very much was NOT taught in purity culture:
1. Saying yes
Purity is all about saying "no." Don't have sex before marriage. Don't kiss. Don't go your boyfriend's house alone. I was taught all about how to say "no", but of course I wasn't taught anything about saying "yes."
Yeah that's not what real consent is. Consent actually means you have the freedom to say yes or no, and both are valid options.
2. Basing my "yes" or "no" on my own desires, rather than rules about what is or isn't "sinful"
I knew I had to say "no" to unmarried sex because it was a sin. (Note: I no longer believe it's a sin.) That's what it was always about, in purity culture- saying "no" because the rules say you have to say no. My own preferences never ever entered into the equation.
And on the flip side of this, sometimes girls from a purity-culture background want to say no, but they feel like they can't, because the thing in question isn't a sin. For example, if a good Christian boy asks you on a date, you feel like you're obligated to say yes, at least give him a chance. If your boyfriend wants to do something you don't want to do, something totally nonsexual like eating at his favorite restaurant, well in a relationship the woman is supposed to "submit" to the man, so she should say yes. A big deal was made about how "respect" is the most important thing for men, and how you totally destroy a man's confidence if you "reject" him.
You can only say no if the thing in question is explicitly sinful. You say no to protect your "purity", for the sake of God and your "future husband." Saying no had absolutely nothing to do with you personally deciding you did not want something.
Yeah, that's not what "consent" means. In reality, consent means you get to choose based on what you want, not based on what some authority figure says you're supposed to do.
3. Marriage does not equal consent
Conservative Christians teach that married women have a duty to have sex with their husbands. (Here are the receipts.) There was a lot of talk about how women don't really want sex but they have to do it anyway. If you're married, you don't get to say "no" to your husband.
Yeah okay that's not what consent is. Marriage is not consent. You always have the right to say no.
4. My body belongs to me
I was taught that I belong to God. I'm not allowed to have sex because "my body is a temple" and God wouldn't want me to do that with his property. Also, I was taught that I belong to my husband- even if I'm not married, I belong to my "future husband" (who may or may not actually exist). I can't have unmarried sex because that would be "cheating on my future husband." (Please note: the concept of "cheating on your future husband"- when you don't even know who this "future husband" is- is complete nonsense.)
In this ideology, there is no consent. You don't have the right to make your own choices about relationships and sex. And it gets even worse when you apply this to a rape victim- instead of having compassion for the victim, people judge and blame them for failing to protect God's property. In this ideology, rape isn't a crime against the rape victim, but a crime against God and/or the victim's spouse (who may or may not actually exist), and so it makes sense to question the victim about how they could "let" that happen.
Yeah, that's not what consent is. Consent means that my body belongs to me.
5. The definition of rape
Before I became a feminist, I defined "rape" like this: Person B forces Person A to have sex.
But now I define "rape" like this: Person B has sex with Person A, without first making sure that Person A consents.
In the first definition, the focus is on Person A (the victim)'s actions- were they truly "forced", or was there a way out? Because, if there was a way out, then it doesn't count as rape. Person A should have tried harder! Should have fought to protect their purity!
In the second definition, the focus is on Person B. Did they communicate clearly and make sure that their partner actually wanted to do those sexual things? Did they respect their partner and allow them to make their own choice?
(In other words, the first definition is wrong.)
Because, see, if Person A says no but then Person B badgers them about it forever and ever until finally Person A says yes, that's not consent. That is sexual assault.
But in purity culture I was taught that as a girl, of course I don't want to have sex, and as a boy, of course my boyfriend will try to badger me into it. And so I have to say no. And this is the normal way that things go. This is what I should expect when I'm in a relationship. Just the way it is. Then, years later, I became a feminist and I learned actually, if your boyfriend badgers you into having sex, that's sexual assault, and it is NOT the victim's fault.
The typical example that purity culture gave about a girl who didn't try hard enough to "protect her purity" was actually a story about rape. Wow, that is messed up.
6. Boys can stop
Purity teachings are always warning us that if you have any physical contact at all with an attractive person, then you'll desire more, it's a slippery slope, one thing leads to another, you fall into temptation, and that's how people end up making the mistake of having premarital sex. If you hold hands, then you'll want to hug. If you hug, then you'll want to kiss. If you kiss, then you'll want to have sex. If you have sex, well then you aren't pure and your life is ruined.
There were so many warnings about how strong "temptation" is, how once you get going, it's too hard to stop. Specifically, boys just have such a huge uncontrollable desire for sex, they certainly aren't able to stop. Don't make out with a boy because you might not be able to just make out without also having sex.
Imagine how utterly shocked I was the first time I read, on a feminist blog, that yes, boys CAN stop. That if you consent to some things, that doesn't mean you consent to everything. Consent can be withdrawn at any time. If you're making out with a boy, and you say okay let's stop there, then he has to stop. Sure, he might desire to go farther, and there's nothing wrong with that desire, but he is perfectly capable of respecting your "no" and stopping. This is like "bare minimum of human decency"-level stuff. If he doesn't stop, then that's rape.
Hahaha, no that's totally the opposite of what I was taught in purity culture. But yes, it's true: In reality, boys can stop.
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So when I say "purity culture didn't teach me about consent," this is what I mean. In these 6 aspects, what I was taught was the exact opposite of a healthy understanding of consent.
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Related:
Conservative Christians Teach That Wives Are REQUIRED To Have Sex Even When They Don't Want To. Here Are The Receipts.
Used By God
Feminism 101: Rape
"Boys Can't Stop"
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