And that's why I don't pray anymore

I read Libby Anne's post, Prayer That Can’t Go Wrong, and wow, that is exactly how I used to pray. In the post, Libby Anne talked about what her mother prayed as the whole family searched for missing glasses: "Lord Jesus, please show us where David’s glasses are. You know where they are, Lord, and he needs them. But if it is not your will for us to find them, we understand."

Image source.

Yep. Back in college, I used to pray so much and I TOTALLY had a relationship with God. Prayed about EVERYTHING. And I TOTALLY trusted God. God would protect me and bring good things. And even if he didn't, even if something bad happened, even if I died, it was all in his control and somehow it would be okay. He knew what was best for everyone and he would do it.

And as Libby Anne points out, this way of thinking means prayer can't fail. Yep. I always trusted God and was so happy. I was so confident that God would protect me, and everything would be okay. (Obviously you can't use it as proof that God exists, since anything that happens can be explained as "God's plan"- and I didn't try to use it as proof of that. Instead, it was the logical result of my beliefs about what God is like.)

Unfortunately, thinking like this can get kind of victim-blame-y. Because, you know, if I hear about something bad that happened to someone, I would think maybe it's because they didn't pray. If you pray, God will protect you. He wouldn't let things that are SO NOT OKAY happen.

I remember one time at a prayer meeting, we prayed for victims of a recent earthquake. My friend, who brought up the prayer request, mentioned that a lot of students were taking exams when the earthquake happened, and they were buried by it.

And I was shocked at the thought that some people just like me, college students taking exams, would die like that. That is SO NOT OKAY. How could this happen?

But they lived in a third-world country. Of course that kind of thing happens in third-world countries. They're not just like me. It's okay.

See? Blaming the victim. It's their fault for living in the third-world country. It happens. Because I couldn't bear the thought that someone like me or my friends could be killed like that.

America. Bad things don't happen here. (Full disclosure: I now live in China.) Image source.

And then, I got sick. Turned out it was my gall bladder. Every day I felt like I had to throw up. All I could do was lay on the couch and wonder how I would ever finish my masters thesis.

How could God let that happen? I had planned to graduate and move to China. Somehow that got delayed by a whole year. Turns out I can't trust God to not let my own organs bring my whole life and all my plans to a stop for an indefinite period of time. I had no idea that could happen to me.

It's not okay.

And it turns out, a lot of NOT OKAY things happen every day.

So what's the point of prayer? There is no "God will protect us and even if bad things happen, everything will be okay."

God never promised to keep this from ruining your life. Image source.

I should clarify that I do still pray, but not very much, and not about the same things I used to.

And I wish I could "have a relationship with God" like I used to, but all that certainty is gone now. I don't even know if it's possible anymore.

All the certainty is gone now.