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| Image text: "Are the straights okay?" Image source. |
[content note: it's about how childbirth is gross. also NSFW because I used the word "vagina" a lot]
Here in China, some women don't want their husbands to be there with them in the delivery room while giving birth, and some hospitals don't allow men to be there, because of this reason: What if the man sees how gross it is, when all manner of disgusting things are coming out of his partner's vagina (amniotic fluid, blood, a slimy baby), and then he is no longer sexually attracted to her, and never wants to have sex with her again? Wouldn't that just be terrible???
Who knows if this has ever actually happened, but it is definitely a concern I've heard from women in China.
I find it really offensive and misogynistic, to be concerned about this. Like, the woman has to be there, she's the one who has to actually do the whole intense, painful, gross process of labor and giving birth, and for the man it's like "oh, let's coddle him, the poor dear, his heterosexuality is so fragile that it can't withstand exposure to the reality of what childbirth actually is."
Why isn't anyone concerned that pregnancy and childbirth might have some sort of negative effect on the woman's feelings about sex? She had sex with her male partner, and as a result, she had to spend 9 months throwing up, gaining weight, having all kinds of weird pains in different body parts, going to so many doctors appointments- where are the men who are saying "oh no, what if my wife no longer wants to have sex with me after all of this"? Where are the men warning each other "oh, you better make sure you do everything you possibly can to help your wife during pregnancy, make sure it's a good experience for her, so that she will still have positive feelings about sex"?
I mean, I support everyone's right to not have sex for whatever reason- don't take this as me saying "if a husband really doesn't want to have sex because of this, he's in the wrong and should be required to have sex anyway"- but this is just so obviously sexist, because childbirth is a much more difficult experience for the actual person giving birth. If we're really so concerned that something is going to ruin somebody's sexual attraction, I think we're focusing on the wrong person.
My sister has a hot take about "people think straight men don't actually exist." She was talking about all the things that women are supposed to do, to curate our bodies, in order to be attractive to men. Like, you have to shave, because if a man sees a woman with body hair, he'll be like "oh gross"- men aren't attracted to that. If your thighs are a little fat, you have to cover that up, eww, men won't be attracted to that. If your stomach got all saggy due to pregnancy, you have to do exercises to get it to be flat again, because men aren't attracted to that. Society pushes these expectations on us, as if straight men don't exist. As if there are no men who are attracted to women, ie, to what women's bodies actually look like. They're just attracted to this mask that women are told we're required to put on.
And this idea, which I've heard in China, that your husband might be so grossed out seeing what's going on with your vagina during childbirth, that he won't be able to bring himself to have vaginal sex with you any more... this also falls under the category of "straight men don't actually exist." Apparently- if this has ever actually happened- the guy didn't actually like vaginas, he just liked 1 aspect of what a vagina can do, and if he finds out that it can do other things, that it can BRING LIFE INTO THE WORLD, well his heterosexuality just can't handle that.
I mean seriously, the wife struggles through hours of labor, finally gives birth to his beautiful big-headed slimy child, she is amazing, victorious, and the husband's reaction is "I'm not attracted to her any more"? We're really concerned that is a real thing that's going to happen? We're really concerned men are that shallow, and that they're not actually attracted to women, they're just attracted to the illusion that the purpose of the wife's body is to be sexy for her husband all the time?
Like, for this hypothetical man, vaginal sex is so important to him that he would leave the marriage if he's not able to have vaginal sex, but also, not with his wife's vagina because eww, it was involved in the incredibly gross process of childbirth. Like, my dude, what did you think a vagina was?
Again, I know of no reports of actual men claiming this happened to them. I've only heard of it as something that Chinese women are warned they need to worry about.
And I, for one, do believe that straight men exist.
I don't like how this is framed like it's her responsibility, to shelter her husband from the reality of what goes on with the vagina during childbirth- she's responsible for maintaining his feelings about sex, and his enjoyment of sex.
So I tried to turn it around, to give a parallel example of what it would look like for a husband to be concerned about his wife's feelings in this way- but unfortunately, I ran into a different trope where it's also her fault and her problem. I wanted to say, "why isn't anyone concerned that pregnancy and childbirth would make her want to have sex less"- but then I realized, people are concerned about that. They're concerned about in a way that makes it her problem.
Because yeah, I've heard people talking about "you're a new mom, and you're so tired taking care of the baby all the time, the baby who never sleeps for longer than 2 hours, but you still have to make sure you're having sex with your husband frequently enough. He has needs."
Ugh, so if the man doesn't want to have sex after his wife gives birth, it's her problem, and if the woman doesn't want to have sex after giving birth, it's also her problem. In both cases, it's framed like she owes it to her husband to give him a positive experience of sex, and she has failed.
It's like, her husband is just a task on her never-ending to-do list, not an equal partner to share her entire life with- including the good, the bad, and the exhausting task of caring for a newborn.
The idea that "sex is something a woman does for a man" is the undercurrent of everything.
Except in the queer community. I'm glad I'm queer, because that's how I found out there are way better ways to view sex than "something a woman does for a man." This is extremely useful to me, though yes I am straight (I'm straight and asexual) and in a hetero relationship.
Also along these lines, in the past I had the subconscious assumption that "if the man doesn't have an orgasm, it's her problem- and, if the women doesn't have an orgasm, it's also her problem." That the man's enjoyment of sex is the goal, an intrinsic good in itself, and the woman's enjoyment of sex is just a means to that end. Women are told we're supposed to enjoy sex, because wouldn't it be sad for the man if he felt like you weren't enjoying it, and that ruined that mood for him? (At the very least, she should pretend she's enjoying it.)
I was taught this by complementarian Christians, but it's everywhere, it's not just a "conservative religion" thing. I was taught that it's supposed to be all about him, that men have needs women can't possibly understand, and so she needs to make every detail of sex a perfect experience for him, and don't ruin it by speaking up about "this is painful" or other concerns she may have. Sex is something a woman does for a man. Even though she doesn't like it, well, it's not that bad, it doesn't take that long, even though it's painful you have to do it because you love your husband, right?
Yeah, my advice is, don't do this.
How about this: Both partners put in the effort to make sex enjoyable for their partner, and also expect that it should be enjoyable for themself too? To view it like, we are equals, rather than "I don't like this but I'm doing it for you because I love you."
The idea that being a straight woman means you always have to maintain the illusion that your body is sexy all the time for your male partner, that the main purpose of your body is to satisfy his sexual "needs." The idea that men's heterosexuality is so fragile that it can be destroyed by exposure to the truth that women's bodies do other things that don't revolve around men, and that women have their own feelings and opinions and desires about sex besides just "do whatever the man wants." All of this is absurd- let's not live this way. Women deserve better than that.
(And I really believe straight men do exist.)
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