This "Do Not Intermarry With Them" Stuff Hits Different Now

A white man and Chinese woman, dressed in very traditional red robes for their traditional Chinese wedding. Image source.

A few days ago, I posted Love Wins (an Ezra fanfic). As I was writing it, I realized that I had never really thought much about what all those Old Testament "do not intermarry with them" commands actually meant. All those times that God apparently commanded his people not to marry people from other nations. 

Sure, I was a good church girl back in the day, I knew all the apologetics, I knew the right answer was "it was because those other nations followed the wrong religions, and those religions were like, really bad, like with forced prostitution and human sacrifice."

(Okay, yes, I now see that it's more complicated than just "here is what the bible says." My fic was inspired by the Slacktivist's posts about Ezra, and he points out that there are other places in the bible [such as the book of Ruth] which say "STFU, Ezra." But of course, when I was an evangelical, I believed there was such a thing as "the biblical view" on marrying people from different religions, as if the bible was totally consistent on it. I also didn't really distinguish between the Old and New Testaments- I felt like converting to the correct religion was seen as more of a possibility in the New Testament, but other than that, the rules were the same. If they're the wrong religion, then nope you can't marry them.)

Yeah, that was all the thought I had ever put into it, way back in the day. Just a one-dimensional stereotype to convince myself that those other religions were "like, really bad" and rules are rules. And then I moved to China, and then I quit being evangelical, and then I married a non-Christian Chinese man, and then years later I decide to write this fanfic, and oh crap, I realize that all the "do not intermarry with them" stuff was about families like mine. Turns out I "intermarried with them."

Also, I had never viewed those commands as being about race or culture at all. Yeah sure, the bible said "don't marry people from other nations" but I always thought "that's because you're not allowed to marry people from different religions, and the other nations had different religions." Like it was solely about religion, that was all. That's how I understood it, back then. Recently I discovered that there are racist white Christians who use verses like these to say that white people shouldn't marry people from other races- but fortunately I never heard anything like that back when I was an evangelical. I really understood it as being only about religion.

Like I thought it was saying "oh it's totally fine to marry people from other races and cultures! Yes totally 100%! No problem there! Why would there be a problem? But absolutely do not marry people from the wrong religions, and oh my, by SHEER COINCIDENCE, those people from other cultures all follow the wrong religions, so that's why the Old Testament says don't marry people from other nations."

So then here I am writing this fanfic and realizing, a cross-cultural marriage is about so much more than religion. It's two complex people with completely different backgrounds, coming together and making a life together. And there's so much to it- there's love, there's fascination with learning about one's partner's world, there's miscommunication, there's confusion and astonishment when you realize your partner just sees things totally different, and there's distance in some aspects- like "you have your own thing, your own culture, you enjoy it but I am not involved in it." Like how my husband doesn't know how to yell at the tv correctly while watching football.

To flatten it down and say it's just about "oh they had bad religions, with like, human sacrifices I guess"... that just so completely misunderstands it.

And my marriage... my marriage is beautiful, and the idea that the Old Testament God (as portrayed in the book of Ezra, at least) wanted a whole society where no one had a cross-cultural marriage... it's just... like, the idea of isolating yourselves so completely from other cultures, so that you can never get to know them enough to run the risk of falling in love with someone. Completely missing the beauty and complexity in the diversity of human experience, missing out on the image of God that lives in every culture. That's what was commanded back then? Really? I never thought about it that way, when I was "on fire for God" and reading the bible every day. But now I really am married to a partner from a different country/ race/ religion/ culture. Now I know.

Now at this point you might be saying, "Surely, in the book of Ezra, there was more to it than just 'don't marry them because they're the wrong demographic'- surely there must have been something really bad that those Canaanite women were doing, right? Surely Ezra wasn't making a whole big scene mourning over something that mundane." But no, I've seen literally this exact thing. I've seen Christians getting all bent out of shape over other people's marriages, other people's personal lives, other people just going about their business in a way that Christians believe is wrong. 

I've seen Christians protesting same-sex couples' right to marry. I've seen Christians getting angry over an ad that showed a same-sex couple just having a normal family life. I remember the time I was at church and the pastor said, "My niece just got engaged... to a woman" and there were gasps of horror from the congregation, like it was an example of how messed-up "the world" is. Literally just queer people going about their lives, and Christians fight and mourn like it's some big tragedy. 

(And I've heard the "success stories" about "a gay person started coming to our church, and we did not say ONE WORD about how it's a sin for them to be with their partner, we just accepted and loved them, and then eventually they broke up, yay what a happy ending!")

I've seen Christians making rules about being "unequally yoked"- ie, a Christian should not be in a relationship with a non-Christian. A podcast where a bunch of concerned Christians fretted over a stranger's personal life, trying to figure out the best way to "speak the truth" that it was wrong for her to get married to a non-Christian man. The missionary I met in China who told me I couldn't come to her Christian group because the Chinese members would think that, as a foreign person, I was a Christian role model, and they just simply couldn't have that, because I was dating Hendrix, a non-Christian. ("And sleeping with him," this nice missionary lady added. I didn't correct her and tell her no, I had never had vaginal sex. I was sure she wouldn't believe me.)

So yes, I 100% can believe that Ezra sat outside wailing and making a scene just because somebody married somebody from a demographic he didn't like. Not because they were actually doing anything actually bad.

Ezra reminds me of the conservative Christians who don't want trans children to be able to use the bathroom.

And Shimei and Nikkal from my story are like the queer American couples who worry that the Supreme Court is going to un-marry them.

Like seriously, look at this:

After these things had been done, the leaders came to me and said, “The people of Israel, including the priests and the Levites, have not kept themselves separate from the neighboring peoples with their detestable practices, like those of the Canaanites, Hittites, Perizzites, Jebusites, Ammonites, Moabites, Egyptians and Amorites. 2 They have taken some of their daughters as wives for themselves and their sons, and have mingled the holy race with the peoples around them. And the leaders and officials have led the way in this unfaithfulness.”

3 When I heard this, I tore my tunic and cloak, pulled hair from my head and beard and sat down appalled. 4 Then everyone who trembled at the words of the God of Israel gathered around me because of this unfaithfulness of the exiles. And I sat there appalled until the evening sacrifice.

Ezra 9:1-4

People are just going about their lives, and then Ezra "sat there appalled" about it. Like, get a life! Mind your own business! Yes, I have 100% seen Christians do this. I used to be one of them.

And realizing it was families like mine- me, and my husband, and our precious little son- that Ezra targeted and tore apart... I bet those self-righteous leaders felt all sad about it too, like "oh it's so hard for us, our heart breaks for your family being torn apart, but, rules are rules, hate the sin love the sinner." I bet they felt like "look how hard it is for us to follow God's command- God will reward us for this."

This wasn't a community coming together to repent of their collective sin. This was a community scapegoating a minority, to make them feel like they themselves were godly. Easy to judge people when it's not a "sin" that you "struggle with" yourself.

I wonder what those "detestable practices" were, that the Canaanites apparently did. I have to say splitting up families is a detestable practice. (Also, why is the Slacktivist the only one I have ever seen pointing out how ****ed up this is? I even looked for some bible commentaries on Ezra recently, and they all basically just said "those other religions were, like, really bad.")

I wrote a story about a character, Nikkal, who always fears rejection. Then Ezra's God comes along and says "yes, you should be rejected." Fortunately her husband loved her more than God.

(Ah, well, whatever, I know the good "bible-believing" Christians have already decided they can ignore everything I say on this, because I am married to a non-Christian. And more than that, I don't see it as a problem AT ALL that my husband is a non-Christian. My Christianity is compatible with that, therefore I'm following the wrong kind of Christianity and no one needs to listen to me.)

And another thing I want to say about my fanfic. At the end, [spoilers!] when Shimei decides to leave behind his home, his culture, his religion, and run away with his foreign wife, and I wrote it like it's a happy ending, it's so romantic and exciting... Well, I ended the story there, and I do believe he made the right decision, but man, it's not as simple as that. Leaving behind your culture, moving to a whole new place where no one understands you- it's hard, it's hard in so many ways that I never knew about before I did it.

(Yeah, for me it happened in a different order- first I gave up my culture and moved to China, and then later I met Hendrix and married him.)

Anyway. The reason I wrote a fanfic about it is to show people, wow, this is really in the bible. Sometimes I'm astonished at the things I used to just brush past, reading the bible as an evangelical. "Ah well, God had clearly said they shouldn't marry the Canaanites" and just move on like that's that. But now I am married to a partner from a different culture and different religion. Now those verses are about us.

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Related:

My Marriage Is So Good, I Forgot "Unequally Yoked" Was Supposed To Be A Problem

What My Marriage Is Actually About (It's Not Sex And It's Not Jesus)

I Didn't Know I Had a Culture Until I Lost It