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| A set of 5 asexual flags, with a few other small pride flags pictured under them. Image source. |
The topic for this month's Carnival of Aces is "Comparing Ace Spaces." This has got me thinking of the diversity of asexual experiences, what types of ace experiences I've seen represented in ace groups, and what I want to see more of.
Specifically, I am an asexual straight woman, married to a man. And I think there are a lot of women in that same situation, but they don't even know what asexuality is- the concepts and the language would be so helpful for them, but they just don't know it.
This is the little niche I am in, in the asexual community- I choose to be in a "normative" relationship structure- married, monogamous, opposite-gender partner, expected to have sex. I am interested in how to navigate that as an asexual, and I want to reach out to people (especially women) who are in the same situation.
Also, I grew up in Christian purity culture, so my writing about asexuality comes from that perspective. I've actually had a lot of comments from readers saying they also have that same background, and my perspective on it is very helpful. It's not something I've seen many bloggers talking about, the intersection between purity culture and asexuality. Maybe you would think that purity culture would be no problem for asexuals- isn't the entire point to not have sex? But no, purity culture is much more than that- it's "men want sex all the time, and women don't really want sex ever" (which taught me to be afraid of men, and also made me unable to recognize my own asexuality). It's "don't be alone with your boyfriend, because one thing leads to another and before you know it, you've had sex and ruined your purity" (which made me afraid of my own desires, which turned out to NOT ACTUALLY EXIST). It's "we are all sexually broken." (Note: this "sexually broken" is not referring to the common ace experience of feeling "broken" because we don't have sexual attraction. Purity culture's use of the term "sexually broken" means that everyone has sinful sexual desires- so first of all, it erases the existence of asexuality, and on top of that, it makes everyone feel like there's something wrong and shameful about completely normal desires. Fun!)
And I want to see more people talking about things like this in the asexual blogs and online spaces. Really I want to see representation from the whole diverse range of asexual experience. We need the single aces, the married aces, the poly aces. We need straight, gay, bi, and pan aces. Aro aces. Demisexuals and gray aces and people who wonder if maybe they're asexual, people who hope they can identify as asexual but aren't sure if they fit all the criteria (spoiler: if it would be helpful to you to identify as asexual, then yes you are allowed to identify as asexual). We need the aces who have sex, the aces who have never had sex, and the aces who are still trying to figure out what they want. Trans aces and nonbinary aces, aces of every gender. The aces who knew something was different when all their middle school friends were having crushes, and the aces who didn't figure it out until years after they started having sex.
I don't know, maybe I'm not looking in the right places- but a lot of asexual discussion I've seen online centers around singleness. And yes, that's good and important! Definitely we should talk about that! But the asexual world is so much bigger than that.
The set of people who identify as asexual, or who would identify as asexual if they could see themselves represented in asexual spaces, is extremely diverse. I want to see ace spaces where all of this is more accessible. And the way that will happen is for all of us to keep talking about our experiences and keep lifting up each other's voices.
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Related:
Miss me with your "we are all sexually broken" hot takes. I'm asexual.
On Purity, Asexuality, and Timing
For This Asexual, Purity Culture Was All About Fear
My Husband Is Not The Entire Focus Of My Sex Life
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This post is part of the February 2021 Carnival of Aces. The topic is "comparing ace spaces."
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