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| Exasperated little blonde girl meme, with the text: "How much milk does your baby drink? Idk a boobfull?" Image source. |
But in the beginning, there were definitely things that I had a messed-up perspective on. So I'm writing this post about it.
So, some background about my views on breastfeeding, before I got pregnant:
- My mom breastfed me and my siblings, so I always believed that's what you "should" do, and that's what I wanted to do for my hypothetical future babies.
- However, whenever I read an article that mentioned breastfeeding, it was always about "hey don't shame moms who feed their baby formula, it's so terrible how we're making women compete with each other and feel like they're not good enough moms, don't say 'breast is best' because there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU if you feed your baby formula, you are NOT a failure" and "breastfeeding is SO HARD, physically and emotionally."
So overall, I wanted to breastfeed my baby, but felt extremely skittish about "shaming" the idea of giving a baby formula.
When I was pregnant, sometimes friends asked me "are you going to breastfeed?" and I answered "I hope I can." Because I thought, even though I really want to exclusively breastfeed, well, everyone keeps saying how breastfeeding is "so hard," so ... well maybe I just can't.
"I hope I can." Fully open to the possibility that, hey, maybe I just can't, and oh well, then I'll give the baby formula. I now see that this "I hope I can" attitude was all kinds of wrong. Believing that it was all out of my control and hey, if it didn't work out, well, *shrug*. No. Instead of "I hope I can", I should have been educating myself about how to breastfeed successfully.
(Really, it reminds me a lot of how, when I started studying Chinese, everyone was like "learning Chinese is SO HARD" and so I actually literally believed that maybe, as a white person, I'd just never be able to, no matter how hard I worked. Maybe I "just can't." Umm, spoiler: I am fluent in Chinese now.)
During the pregnancy, I read the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" [affiliate link] (which was very useful for me, but I'll warn you that it's extremely heteronormative and cisnormative). It had a lot of information about how breastfeeding is the best source of nutrition for babies, how it's good for their immune system, and gives all kind of other benefits. About studies that showed breastfed babies went on to live healthier lives than formula-fed babies.
And I was very surprised. I didn't know that before- I thought it was the same. I thought with modern technology, surely we've developed baby formula that's just as good as breast milk. Well, no, we haven't. (And after Square Root was born, I learned a lot more about the differences between formula-fed and breastfed babies- for a lot of our "what's normal" questions, there are actually 2 different answers: what's normal for breastfed babies and what's normal for formula-fed babies. About their poop- what it looks like, how often. About how often they eat. About weight gain. About whether or not they are likely to be constipated, or overfed. It's like there are 2 different types of babies. No, formula is not "the same" at all- formula is not as good for babies as breast milk.)
I'd read articles about "hey don't shame moms who don't breastfeed" so I thought it didn't matter one way or the other. But I don't want to get up and wash bottles in the middle of the night, so I hope I can breastfeed.
Yeah, I literally didn't know breastfeeding was way better for baby's health than formula-feeding. I'd heard too much rhetoric about "it's okay to not breastfeed, you're not a bad mom", so I thought it was the same.
Perhaps this is a more accurate way of putting it: If your only consideration is what the baby eats, then breast milk is SO MUCH better than formula. Formula is fine, but breast milk is just WAY BETTER. But there are other factors that should be considered too: like mom's mental health. If breastfeeding and pumping is taking a huge toll on you, that matters, and maybe it would be good to give your baby formula instead. And also: mom's pumping schedule. If you have to go to work, and your job doesn't allow you to take breaks and pump milk, then the breastfeeding is just not going to work. You can't make enough milk to exclusively breastfeed, while also going 8+ hours without getting the milk out. Your boobs will be giant and hard as rocks, oww. If you're in that situation, breastfeeding is just not workable. Don't feel bad about that; formula is fine.
Anyway, back to me when I was pregnant. Friends and family recommended that if I wanted to breastfeed, I should go to a class on it, or go to La Leche League meetings, or join social media groups where people discussed breastfeeding. I was like "Why? Like, what's there to learn, doesn't the baby just suck your boob? Seems pretty straightforward... how can there be a whole class on it?" But people told me, no actually it's not that straightforward. Sometimes there are problems. You have to learn how to do it, it doesn't *just happen*.
So I did. I read a lot of articles about how to have a successful breastfeeding relationship, and I joined a social media support group for breastfeeding. I'm so glad I did. I learned about how to teach your boobs how much milk to make. I learned about how you shouldn't pump until your baby is maybe 4-6 weeks old, because you want to establish your supply before you start pumping. I learned that a lot of people worry their baby isn't eating enough- because you can't see how much the baby is eating- but actually a lot of the signs that make people worry are completely normal and do NOT mean you have to give your baby formula. I learned about blocked ducts and mastitis and how to avoid them. I learned about a lot of the common misconceptions about breastfeeding.
So basically I knew what I'd do once the baby was born.
My husband, on the other hand... So when we were putting together our list of things to buy to get ready for the baby, my husband (Hendrix) said we should buy a can of formula, "as a backup." And I was concerned- if we have formula, then are people going to try to pressure me to give it to the baby, so we "don't waste it" or some nonsense like that? Hendrix reassured me that that wouldn't happen. So we bought the formula.
At our prenatal appointments, the nurses told us "Our hospital supports breastfeeding, so we don't provide formula. If you want to give your baby formula, you have to bring your own." I'm very glad I gave birth at a hospital that explicitly supports breastfeeding; apparently in China a lot of hospitals pressure you to give your baby formula. Which I think has a lot to do with formula companies trying to make money.
The issue, though, was that I was coming from a background of "breastfeeding is normal, and I've done a lot of reading and I know what I need to do in order to make breastfeeding work" but Hendrix and his mom (who lives with us) were coming from a background of "giving the baby formula is normal, of course you need to have formula as a backup in case the mom doesn't have enough milk." It was like my mother-in-law 100% expected that I wouldn't "have enough milk" and we would give the baby formula. (Apparently this "you don't have enough milk" is an extremely common misconception in China- the reality is that it's extremely rare that you're just biologically unable to produce enough milk.)
So we packed up our hospital bag, and Hendrix said we have to bring the can of formula. I was uneasy about that, but we brought it "as a backup." And looking back on it now, I wish I had communicated with my husband better about this.
Fast-forward to the day the baby was born. I breastfed him immediately after he popped out and the nurses wiped him off and weighed him. And that day, I breastfed him a bunch of times, and it went well.
And then that night, he was crying and he wouldn't sleep. And my mother-in-law was saying he's hungry and I don't have enough milk, and my husband was worried and wanted to give him formula, and I said no. I said no, but I felt so scared and weak. I'd just given birth 24 hours before and I couldn't even stand up without help. And everyone was speaking Chinese- and I can speak Chinese, but not about something as complicated as this... and I didn't even know what to say anyway. Just thinking that if we give him formula now, that means we're giving up on the whole breastfeeding thing, giving up on it so fast. I wanted to breastfeed until the baby is at least 1 year old, and we're just gonna give up on it now, 1 day in, because I'm too weak to stop it. I know what to do, I did the research and my husband and mother-in-law didn't, but here we are at 2 am and they just keep telling me "he's hungry" and I don't know what to say.
All I could do was tell my husband "this is really important to me." And keep trying to feed the baby, keep putting him on my boobs and hope something was coming out. And eventually the baby fell asleep, and we got through the night. Without giving him formula.
Looking back on it now, I wish I had discussed this with my husband more beforehand. Not just "I want to breastfeed" because we did discuss that- but "we need to do x, y, and z, and here are the reasons why." I now see that it wasn't enough that I knew what to do- I needed to make sure my husband knew too. Because he loves the baby too, and if he thought the baby was hungry and needed it, it's understandable that he might have fought me and insisted on giving our baby formula, and unknowingly screwed up my milk supply. (Like, it's not the end of the world if you give the baby formula at the beginning- you can still exclusively breastfeed, but it's harder; you've dug yourself into a hole.)
When you give birth, you NEED to have someone with you who knows what you want and fully supports you. Your partner, a family member, a doula, someone. Someone who can stand up for you, because you'll be in pain and full of hormones, and you might not be able to stand up for yourself.
I wish I had thought more about the reasons that one might choose to give their baby formula. Because I now see that there are lots of good reasons. But "the mom is right here and wants to breastfeed the baby, but her husband's family is telling her 'no, you can't, you don't have enough milk'" is NOT one of them. That's effed-up. And I still feel bad about having been in that situation, even though in the end I "won." And I feel bad thinking about other moms who did get pressured into giving their baby formula when that's not what they wanted.
And I wish I could have viewed the formula as a tool that is possibly useful to me in some situations. But I didn't- I just had this very emotional "formula is bad" feeling about it. But now I see that formula could have been a very useful tool for me, for situations where I had to go out and leave the baby with my mother-in-law, and there wasn't enough pumped breast milk in the fridge. See, that's what we should have used the formula can for. As a backup for if I'm PHYSICALLY NOT THERE and baby needs to eat.
After that first night, though, things have gone very well with the breastfeeding. I love it because it's such a beautiful, loving bond with my baby, and it's so convenient. (I don't like pumping milk at work though... that's a pain, but I have to do it.)
And I was very surprised. I didn't know that before- I thought it was the same. I thought with modern technology, surely we've developed baby formula that's just as good as breast milk. Well, no, we haven't. (And after Square Root was born, I learned a lot more about the differences between formula-fed and breastfed babies- for a lot of our "what's normal" questions, there are actually 2 different answers: what's normal for breastfed babies and what's normal for formula-fed babies. About their poop- what it looks like, how often. About how often they eat. About weight gain. About whether or not they are likely to be constipated, or overfed. It's like there are 2 different types of babies. No, formula is not "the same" at all- formula is not as good for babies as breast milk.)
I'd read articles about "hey don't shame moms who don't breastfeed" so I thought it didn't matter one way or the other. But I don't want to get up and wash bottles in the middle of the night, so I hope I can breastfeed.
Yeah, I literally didn't know breastfeeding was way better for baby's health than formula-feeding. I'd heard too much rhetoric about "it's okay to not breastfeed, you're not a bad mom", so I thought it was the same.
Perhaps this is a more accurate way of putting it: If your only consideration is what the baby eats, then breast milk is SO MUCH better than formula. Formula is fine, but breast milk is just WAY BETTER. But there are other factors that should be considered too: like mom's mental health. If breastfeeding and pumping is taking a huge toll on you, that matters, and maybe it would be good to give your baby formula instead. And also: mom's pumping schedule. If you have to go to work, and your job doesn't allow you to take breaks and pump milk, then the breastfeeding is just not going to work. You can't make enough milk to exclusively breastfeed, while also going 8+ hours without getting the milk out. Your boobs will be giant and hard as rocks, oww. If you're in that situation, breastfeeding is just not workable. Don't feel bad about that; formula is fine.
Anyway, back to me when I was pregnant. Friends and family recommended that if I wanted to breastfeed, I should go to a class on it, or go to La Leche League meetings, or join social media groups where people discussed breastfeeding. I was like "Why? Like, what's there to learn, doesn't the baby just suck your boob? Seems pretty straightforward... how can there be a whole class on it?" But people told me, no actually it's not that straightforward. Sometimes there are problems. You have to learn how to do it, it doesn't *just happen*.
So I did. I read a lot of articles about how to have a successful breastfeeding relationship, and I joined a social media support group for breastfeeding. I'm so glad I did. I learned about how to teach your boobs how much milk to make. I learned about how you shouldn't pump until your baby is maybe 4-6 weeks old, because you want to establish your supply before you start pumping. I learned that a lot of people worry their baby isn't eating enough- because you can't see how much the baby is eating- but actually a lot of the signs that make people worry are completely normal and do NOT mean you have to give your baby formula. I learned about blocked ducts and mastitis and how to avoid them. I learned about a lot of the common misconceptions about breastfeeding.
So basically I knew what I'd do once the baby was born.
My husband, on the other hand... So when we were putting together our list of things to buy to get ready for the baby, my husband (Hendrix) said we should buy a can of formula, "as a backup." And I was concerned- if we have formula, then are people going to try to pressure me to give it to the baby, so we "don't waste it" or some nonsense like that? Hendrix reassured me that that wouldn't happen. So we bought the formula.
At our prenatal appointments, the nurses told us "Our hospital supports breastfeeding, so we don't provide formula. If you want to give your baby formula, you have to bring your own." I'm very glad I gave birth at a hospital that explicitly supports breastfeeding; apparently in China a lot of hospitals pressure you to give your baby formula. Which I think has a lot to do with formula companies trying to make money.
The issue, though, was that I was coming from a background of "breastfeeding is normal, and I've done a lot of reading and I know what I need to do in order to make breastfeeding work" but Hendrix and his mom (who lives with us) were coming from a background of "giving the baby formula is normal, of course you need to have formula as a backup in case the mom doesn't have enough milk." It was like my mother-in-law 100% expected that I wouldn't "have enough milk" and we would give the baby formula. (Apparently this "you don't have enough milk" is an extremely common misconception in China- the reality is that it's extremely rare that you're just biologically unable to produce enough milk.)
So we packed up our hospital bag, and Hendrix said we have to bring the can of formula. I was uneasy about that, but we brought it "as a backup." And looking back on it now, I wish I had communicated with my husband better about this.
Fast-forward to the day the baby was born. I breastfed him immediately after he popped out and the nurses wiped him off and weighed him. And that day, I breastfed him a bunch of times, and it went well.
And then that night, he was crying and he wouldn't sleep. And my mother-in-law was saying he's hungry and I don't have enough milk, and my husband was worried and wanted to give him formula, and I said no. I said no, but I felt so scared and weak. I'd just given birth 24 hours before and I couldn't even stand up without help. And everyone was speaking Chinese- and I can speak Chinese, but not about something as complicated as this... and I didn't even know what to say anyway. Just thinking that if we give him formula now, that means we're giving up on the whole breastfeeding thing, giving up on it so fast. I wanted to breastfeed until the baby is at least 1 year old, and we're just gonna give up on it now, 1 day in, because I'm too weak to stop it. I know what to do, I did the research and my husband and mother-in-law didn't, but here we are at 2 am and they just keep telling me "he's hungry" and I don't know what to say.
All I could do was tell my husband "this is really important to me." And keep trying to feed the baby, keep putting him on my boobs and hope something was coming out. And eventually the baby fell asleep, and we got through the night. Without giving him formula.
Looking back on it now, I wish I had discussed this with my husband more beforehand. Not just "I want to breastfeed" because we did discuss that- but "we need to do x, y, and z, and here are the reasons why." I now see that it wasn't enough that I knew what to do- I needed to make sure my husband knew too. Because he loves the baby too, and if he thought the baby was hungry and needed it, it's understandable that he might have fought me and insisted on giving our baby formula, and unknowingly screwed up my milk supply. (Like, it's not the end of the world if you give the baby formula at the beginning- you can still exclusively breastfeed, but it's harder; you've dug yourself into a hole.)
When you give birth, you NEED to have someone with you who knows what you want and fully supports you. Your partner, a family member, a doula, someone. Someone who can stand up for you, because you'll be in pain and full of hormones, and you might not be able to stand up for yourself.
I wish I had thought more about the reasons that one might choose to give their baby formula. Because I now see that there are lots of good reasons. But "the mom is right here and wants to breastfeed the baby, but her husband's family is telling her 'no, you can't, you don't have enough milk'" is NOT one of them. That's effed-up. And I still feel bad about having been in that situation, even though in the end I "won." And I feel bad thinking about other moms who did get pressured into giving their baby formula when that's not what they wanted.
And I wish I could have viewed the formula as a tool that is possibly useful to me in some situations. But I didn't- I just had this very emotional "formula is bad" feeling about it. But now I see that formula could have been a very useful tool for me, for situations where I had to go out and leave the baby with my mother-in-law, and there wasn't enough pumped breast milk in the fridge. See, that's what we should have used the formula can for. As a backup for if I'm PHYSICALLY NOT THERE and baby needs to eat.
After that first night, though, things have gone very well with the breastfeeding. I love it because it's such a beautiful, loving bond with my baby, and it's so convenient. (I don't like pumping milk at work though... that's a pain, but I have to do it.)
We do a disservice by putting so much emphasis on "you're not a failure if you give your baby formula" without also providing the education and support that is needed to successfully breastfeed. I wish people could just see it for what it is: here are the advantages, here is the work you have to do, here are the things you'll need to buy, here is the knowledge you need for if you run into problems. (And same for formula-feeding or mixed-feeding: here are the advantages, here is the work you have to do, etc.) But there's this fear that the entire topic of breastfeeding is so emotionally-charged and tied to people's identity of being a "good mom", so we can't discuss it in an objective, informative way.
Let me sum it up like this: If you're pregnant and you're wondering if you'll breastfeed or not, first of all, know that it is your decision and it is a very personal decision. Next, I strongly recommend you research the options- exclusive breastfeeding, formula, or mixed-feeding. Learn about how they each work in practical terms and how much work each of them would end up being for you. Learn about the benefits of breastfeeding for the baby's health. Decide what you want to do- and if you want to exclusively breastfeed, don't phrase it like "I hope I can, but eh I understand if it doesn't work out". No, that's ridiculous to have that kind of defeatist attitude when your baby isn't even born yet. Do your research, arm yourself with information, communicate with your partner, and be confident.
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