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Monday, November 4, 2019

Because of an Idea

A girl carrying a backpack and looking at a map. Image source.
"6 Years Later": A blog series reflecting on the fact that I, a white American, moved to China and have been living here for the past 6 years

Part 1: I Didn't Know I Had a Culture Until I Lost It
Part 2: On Immigration and Double Standards
Part 3: Because of an Idea
Part 4: Culture, Objectivity, God, and the Real Reason I Moved to China

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As I was working on this '6 Years Later' blog series, about how I left behind my entire American life and moved to China, I came upon this GQ article: The American Missionary and the Uncontacted Tribe. It's about John Chau, the American missionary who was killed in 2018 by the Sentinelese islanders he was trying to "share the gospel" with. (I wrote 2 posts about Chau in 2018: This Is Exactly the Martyr Fairy Tale We Aspired To and Evangelicals Agree With What Chau Did (And It Makes Me Angry): Here Are The Receipts.)

The GQ article tells Chau's story in more detail than any of the news articles I had previously read. It talks about Chau's background, his family, his beliefs, his friendships, and the years and years of research, training, and planning he did to prepare for his mission on North Sentinel Island.

The article details every step that Chau took to prepare- from wilderness survival training, to making multiple trips to India to build a network of contacts, to researching what sorts of gifts a hunter-gatherer tribe might appreciate, to revealing his (very illegal) plans to Christian friends, and so on and so on. And as I read it, reading about how he spent years considering every little detail and doing the best he could to plan for it ... I have 2 thoughts:
  1. This is so tragic
  2. Well, yes, of course he did that
It all started with one idea, an idea I know all too well. An idea that was wrong. Because of this idea, he made it his goal to go befriend the people of North Sentinel Island. And because that was his goal, he made this whole years-long plan of all the practical steps he would need to take to get there. Every step misguided and wrong because the initial idea was misguided and wrong.

Every step was tragic, but inevitable. Because of the idea that started it all.

Here's "the idea": Every person in the world needs to hear a specific story about Jesus ("the gospel"), and this is so important that it's worth sacrificing one's life.

Chau believed this with all his heart. And I used to believe it too. Christians say it all the time- but usually they don't truly believe it the way Chau believed it.

 It's not true.

 It's not. It's very wrong.

But it was this one idea that inspired Chau to take all these steps that led to his death. He believed it so hard, so there was no stopping him. (The GQ article mentions Chau's father and other Christian friends trying and failing to talk him out of it.)

I read about all the things he did, all the little practical things to get ready, and it sounds so familiar, like, yes of course he did that. I've been in that world, to a certain extent. Well, let me lay out my missionary credentials for you:
  1. I went to InterVarsity's Urbana conference (a giant missions conference held every 3 years) in 2009 and 2012. This is a conference for college students where we get all gung-ho about missions. Every evening there's a speaker who gives a grand inspiring talk about how God is calling us to "GO!" and we sing worship songs about how God loves the whole world and we want God to send us out. During the day there are workshops that give practical advice about how to be a missionary. And there's a big hall with booths from all these different missions organizations- kind of set up like a career fair. In 2009, I totally bought into all that missions ideology. In 2012, I was starting to question a lot of things.
  2. I went on a 6-week mission trip to China in 2010. And that experience inspired me to devote myself to learning Mandarin Chinese and coming back to live in China long-term. But it wasn't for the normal "missionary" reasons- it wasn't because I "felt called" to "share the gospel" with Chinese people or whatever. It wasn't related to the idea I talk about above, the idea which inspired Chau. Instead, it was about a desire to get out of my own culture and learn a whole new one. (More on that in part 4 of this series.)
  3. I spent the next few years preparing- studying Chinese, befriending a ton of Chinese students at my college, praying and agonizing over the possibility of living in China long-term, applying for jobs in China. 
  4. Some of the jobs I applied for were with missions organizations. Looking back on it now, I'm glad none of those worked out, because I was in the process of questioning a lot of evangelical beliefs, and it would not have been good for me to be in a job which required me to pretend I believed certain things.
  5. I moved here in 2013 and I've been living here ever since. But not in any sort of missionary role.
I know what it is to long so hard to go, go far away and leave behind my home and my culture to live in a new world. Being willing to give up everything for that dream. I know what it is to spend years preparing, praying, working towards that goal. To have friends and family who want to support me but feel uncertain about if it's a good idea or not.

I read about Chau, and I feel like we are almost the same- giving up everything and moving to the other side of the world just because of one simple idea. Years of determined preparation just because of that one idea. 

But my idea was different than his. As I said, his idea was "Every person in the world needs to hear a specific story about Jesus ("the gospel"), and this is so important that it's worth sacrificing one's life." Mine was ... well I'll get into that in part 4.

His idea inspired him to go to North Sentinel Island, which was dangerous and illegal. My idea inspired me to come to China, which is not dangerous/illegal, and so fortunately I was successful, and here I am 6 years later.

Chau's story is so tragic because it's the result of sincere, determined, good-hearted pursuit of an idea that was so completely wrong. And in my case ... I think I was also inspired by an idea that was wrong.

I don't regret it. I love living in China. But it's been hard in so many ways I didn't expect. And now, 6 years later, I'm able to see that I was wrong about some of the things that inspired me. Ironically, if I had never moved away from the US, I never could have realized those ideas were wrong.

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